07x07 - Witch Way Out

[bunniefuu]

- Good morning, Sabrina.
- Hi, there.

Bye there. I'm off to work.

You're late for work again?

You better be careful
or you'll get sick.

And for goodness sakes,
put on a jacket.

And be sure to call and give us
an idea of when you'll be home,

otherwise, I'll just sit up and worry.

Isn't that neckline a little low,
young lady?

Guys, I appreciate your concern,
but I'm a grown-up.

I can take care of myself.

Fine, but it really is cold out there.

I can handle it.

Holy cheese and crackers.
Cold, cold, cold.

Now, do you wanna come in
and get your coat?

I said I could handle it.

Oh, great,
how am I supposed to get my keys?

[GRUNTS]

My neck is stiffer than my writing.

This is bad.

[SIGHS]

I've been working around the clock,
help me shake this writer's block.

Whew!

Not what I was going for,
but, uh, this is nice too.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oops.

How long have you
been standing there?

Long enough to realize
that you are a very beautiful woman.

That was forward of me. I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't be sorry.
Be, um, continuing. Heh.

- I'm Victor.
- Sabrina.

Yeah, I just bought this chair

because I'm, uh, researching
a story about loafing.

So are you a freelancer?

I own a record label,

and I was just dropping off
some promotional material.

Oh, well,
then we have something in common.

You own a record label,
and I own a label maker.

This is totally out of the blue,
but, um, do you have plans tonight?

Not really,
except for writing and vibrating.

I own this gallery,
and we're having an opening tonight.

Would you like to join me?

I was supposed to go for seafood
with my roommates.

I hear there's gonna be
really good food.

Let's see, going to a gallery opening
with a handsome single guy,

or fighting with Roxie
over a tiny bag of oyster crackers?

- I'll buy you a sculpture.
- Sold. Ha, ha.

Hey, Harv, what brings you by?

Oh, nothing special.

You know, I haven't seen you
in a while, and I miss you.

- What do you want to watch?
- Canadian celebrity hockey.

I'm gonna get cable
one of these days, I swear.

Well, watch away.
I'm not even gonna be here.

But I am. Dr. Dolittle's on tonight.

Something about a talking animal
just cracks me up.

Oh, no. It looks like
I'm getting crows feet right here.

[CAWING]

Oops.

- Why did that happen?
- Who knows?

Do I have to explain everything?

Ever since you've been on this
"I'm a grown-up" kick,

you've hardly used your magic.

It's pent up and it's gonna come out.

You know,
I've been doing fine without magic.

Maybe I'll just give it up.

Wait a minute.

How are you gonna quit magic?
Go to Witch Watchers?

No, I'll just store it in this container.

I can't believe
you'd give up your magic.

It's so much a part of you.

Well, I don't really need it anymore.

And lately, every time I try to use it,

like tonight at the office,
I almost get busted.

Are you sure that will hold it?

Yeah, Tupperware
is the only thing that can hold magic.

They say Houdini died
of locked-in freshness.

There. Good to the last drop.

I know what you're thinking.
I don't want you anywhere near this.

Oh, come on. Just a little?

I don't wanna be a cat anymore.

Harvey, you hold on to it.

Wow.

It doesn't want to leave you.

Aw, my magic goo
has separation anxiety.

Come on, Salem,
we'll have a great time.

We've got soda, we've got popcorn,

and we've got four hours of Canada's
brightest TV stars playing hockey.

Hey, Harvey,
want to come to dinner with us?

It's this really fun seafood place.

The bathrooms
are for wenches and mateys.

That sounds cool.

[GASPS]

Alan Thicke is about to sing
"O, Canada."

You guys go ahead.

Actually, um,
there's been a change of plans.

See, I met this guy,

and he told me about an opening
in an art gallery with music and food...

- Oh.
- We get what you're saying.

Good. I didn't wanna disappoint you.

Oh, don't worry.
We can go to dinner any old time.

- We'll be ready to go in two minutes.
- Guys.

Sabrina, it's okay.

We know how awkward it is to go to a
party where you don't know anybody.

That's what we're here for.

And don't worry,

I won't wear my best stuff,
so you'll still look pretty.

Sometimes, I swear, they are two
of the most dense people I know.

[SIGHS]

I wonder if we'll ever have
a Canadian president?

Maybe there's a gas leak
in this house.

I gotta say, this great gallery opening

you wanted us to come to
kind of sucks.

Yeah, and next time, do us a favor,
don't drag us to your artsy-fartsy party.

Okay, well, if this isn't your thing,

you still have time
to go to dinner without me.

[SIGHS]

No, I mean, we're here,
and I did my hair,

and Roxie put on deodorant.

Since we're stuck here
amongst these losers,

we should come up
with a safe word.

Safe word?

Code word,
in case we get cornered by some geek.

Or someone poor.

Okay, how about zoo?

Sabrina,
the whole point of a safe word,

is that it wouldn't come up
in normal conversation.

Zoo won't work.

"Oh, this place is a zoo."

"What a zoo it is in here."

"Sure, I'll make out
in the monkey house at the zoo."

Okay, kazoo. How's that?

Fine, kazoo.

Come on, Roxie,

I'll teach you
how to pick up a cater waiter.

So, what do you think of the gallery?

Oh, I like this, uh, tangled
chrome thingy.

It's too bad
somebody left their orange in it.

I think that's part of sculpture.

Oh, in that case, I may have
just eaten a $6,000 banana.

Come on, buddy, pal, compadre.

How about sharing a little
of Sabrina's mojo with me?

Salem, Sabrina said no.

And I dated her. No means no.

Fine.

But if I had that magic, I could
turn you into a Canadian celebrity,

and you could be out there
on that ice

having your teeth
knocked out by k.d. Lang.

- No.
- Unh!

This is much better, huh?

Much.

Yeah, this certainly is the most
comfortable piece of art I ever sat on.

So, uh, do you choose
all the pieces yourself?

Oh, no, no.
The gallery is just a side business.

My personal collection
tends to be more eclectic.

Mine too.
I have 20 of the 50 state quarters.

Impressive.
Listen, let's get out of here.

I mean, why don't you come
to my home for an after party.

And I'm gonna have a live band
and really cool people,

and I promise,
it'll be much better than this.

Well, okay.

I mean, after all,
I've already eaten all the art.

- I need to tell somebody I'm leaving.
- Okay.

- Hey, guys, listen, l...
- Kazoo.

Oh, don't you feel terrible
for that poor supermodel outside?

The way both of her straps
just snapped off like that?

Thank you.

Listen, Victor's having an after party
at his house, so...

I can't go.
I have to get to the radio show.

That's okay. I'll bring back as much
food as I can stuff in my pockets.

Hello? Larry? Curly?

You're not invited.
Can't you guys take a hint?

Whoa.

And whoa... is me too.

So you're going alone to a party
at this guy's house?

- You don't even know him.
MORGAN: Roxie's right.

You need someone to come along
and watch your back.

It's called the buddy system.

I don't need a buddy,
I don't need a chaperone,

and I don't need you
acting like my aunts.

I'm an adult.
I can take care of myself.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

- Look, I'm sorry.
- Okay, whatever.

Have fun. Come on, Morgan.

Well...

You have lipstick on your teeth,
and I'm not going to tell you.

Is everything all right?

Oh, yeah, you know,
nothing an arm can't take care of.

All this
just so I can thumb wrestle again.

Okay, let's make magic.

[SCREAMS]

Oh, there's no stopping genius.

[GROANS]

[WHIMPERS]

What an amazing house.

Is that the Goo Goo Dolls?

Yeah, they're my friends.

We'll take a little break
and we'll be right back.

I can't believe you have the Goo Goo Dolls here.
Morgan Loves the Goo Goo Dolls, I should call her.

You are everything
that I have been looking for.

On second thought,
she can just buy herself the CD.

So, who's performing
here tomorrow?

The Three Tenors.

Oh, remind me, I have to stock
the pantry full of luncheon meats.

Mr. Victor, I must congratulate you.

It is the rarest collection
I've seen yet.

Well, perhaps we can do business.

Let me walk you out.

Sabrina, please excuse me.

No problem.

Excuse me.

Pardon.

Sorry, not cutting in,
just cutting through.

Right, no magic.

Well, I guess
I'll have to do this with smarts,

with know-how, with redial.

Gotta love today's technology.

Whoa.

[GROWLING]

Oh, my...

[GASPS]

Kazoo.

He wants to cage me?

MAN:
Oh, boy, we got a bright one.

Are you a real leprechaun?

Heck, no,
I'm just some short Irish guy

who happened to be caught
drinking a Shamrock Shake.

Well, is everyone else
in here a fake?

Well, I believe
the mermaid has implants,

but I know Bigfoot's real.

The only thing
Victor feeds him is campers.

Well, when Victor said he was
a collector, I had no idea.

I'm gonna free all of you. I swear.

But first I have to deal
with this sicko.

I can't believe
he has all 50 quarters.

"Reversing
a human-to-cat spell."

Make me human, make me whole,
I'm sick of eating from a bowl.

[GASPS]

Ugh. Now the litter sand
is gonna get stuck between my toes.

- There you are.
- Hey, where's everyone going?

Well, everyone left.
You know, which is good, right?

Because that means
you and I can be alone.

Yeah, that's great.

But, um, I'm feeling a little peckish.

I don't suppose you have any crackers,
or a cheeseburger would be great.

- If it's not too much trouble, a souffl?.
- I'll see what I have.

- The Goo Goo Dolls left some sushi.
- Oh, I like my sushi well done.

We're talking about girls
who ditch their girlfriends

as soon as a guy comes along.

You're on the air. Were you ditched?

SABRINA [OVER PHONE]:
Roxie, it's me, Sabrina.

Oh, it's not the ditchee.
It's the ditcher.

I need your help.

Of course you do, now!

Seriously, Rox. This guy's nuts.

Who, Mr. Cashmere-Sock-Wearing
Art-Gallery-After-Party-Thrower?

Well, I didn't learn his last name,
but it can't be that long.

He wants to add me
to his gruesome collection.

That's right.

Put down the other girls
if it makes you feel better.

Let's take another call.

No, Roxie, don't hang up on me.

[PHONE RINGING]

Harvey, the phone.

What the heck is this?

Oh, uh, I was just making
some homemade jam.

Zucchini jam.

- Hello?
- Morgan, it's me.

Oh, well,
if it isn't Susie-Snooty-Society-Snob.

This is important.

Tell Harvey to come
to Victor's party with the Tupperware.

It's a Tupperware party?

Just tell him.
He'll know what I mean.

Victor is extremely handsome
and hygienic.

And he lives in that big house
on Post Road

with the fountain
full of peeing angels.

- Who is that?
- Oh, my, uh, answering machine.

Kazoo, kazoo.

I was just saying hi to my cat.

Kazoo's a weird name for a cat.

Oh, then you don't want to know
about her sister, Fluegelhorn.

This has been really great,
but I really should get going.

Oh, no,
that's not gonna work for me.

You know what they say,
the guest is always right.

- It's the customer.
- Actually, I think it's the guest.

Um, why don't we look it up, compare
notes tomorrow over the phone.

You know, I have been
searching everywhere for a witch.

India, Guam, Wichita.

And that seemed like a sure thing.

And then, poof,
you suddenly appear.

Witch? You think I'm a witch?

Sometimes when someone gets
in the express line with 11 items,

I get a little cranky, but...

If you're not, then how did you make
that massage chair magically appear?

I saw a guy on TV
make the Statue of Liberty disappear,

I mean, ugh,
how do you explain that?

- Let's go.
- Victor, get real.

If I don't come home,
my friends will be here to save me.

Your friends? You mean the two girls
that you ditched at the gallery?

It hardly seemed
like they were your friends.

- Score.
MAN [ON TV]: What a shot...

I just don't understand.

Well, hockey is
a very complicated game.

No, why are they
showing this on TV?

- Hey, Rox. Are you okay?
- I don't know.

Sabrina called me at the radio station,
and I blew her off.

I think she might
have wanted to talk.

Oh, she couldn't have
been too upset.

She called here to ask Harvey to bring
some Tupperware to Victor's party.

- That's a rave.
- What?

How did she sound?

Sick. Sneezing all over the place.

Kachoo. Kachoo.

Are you sure it wasn't kazoo?

Why would someone
sneezing say?

Oopsie.

She was calling for help,
and we ignored her.

Sabrina's in trouble.
I'll get the Tupperware.

[SMACKING LIPS]

I'd forgotten how good this feels.

Salem, what happened?

These little piggies
went to the freak show.

Help me, Harvey.

Okay, here's some magic.

Do something about that foot.
It's disgusting.

I have to admit, it is unsightly.

Magic spell gone kaput,
help me fix this ugly foot.

Hmm. That's better.

You're making a mistake.

If I was a witch, I'd be able
to magically cast a spell and...

Silence!

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Oh, pizza's here.

Don't forget about the crazy bread.

Yeah, well, I think he's already had
a few loaves of that already.

This is all my fault.

My friends tried to warn me.

All they were doing
was trying to protect me,

and all I did
was treat them like dirt.

If I didn't have friends, I wouldn't be
able to sneak on the rides at Six Flags.

Is Sabrina here?

No, I think she left
with a Goo Goo Doll.

There were party favors?

It sounds like there is more than
just one pizza boy up there.

Maybe it's my friends.

Okay, I gotta think.

I gotta come up with a plan.

I gotta find out what kind
of conditioner that mermaid uses.

See, everyone's gone.

Oh, yeah, well, I think you're lying.

Come on, you guys, let's go.
I hate liars.

[SASQUATCH GROWLS]

- What was that?
- It must have been the pipes.

[SASQUATCH GROWLS]

- And that?
- Oh, no, I just remembered.

My Moroccan friend
is getting a bikini wax.

[GROWLING]

Victor, you like art, right?

You know, a lot of people tell me
that I remind them of that painting,

Venus on a Half Shell.

What do you think?

Venus? Yeah, maybe.

Well, you have to imagine me
without my clothes.

- I'll try.
- I've gotta give her props.

She's a very accomplished tart.

Go.

Sabrina?

All right,
now undress me with your eyes.

No, the zipper's in the back.

Sabrina?

She must be in there.

And I'm the one
with the drinking problem.

Ew.

Oh, that's right. It's diet goo.

Sabrina, are you okay?

I'm fine.

Oh, thanks, Harvey.

[SASQUATCH GROWLING]

Oh, my God, it's so big and hairy.

Oh, don't worry, Harvey,
it's in a cage.

No, there's a spider.

Oh, come on, Harvey,
let's blow this joint.

Going somewhere?

I know you're all grown up now and
you don't wanna use your magic, but...

Yeah, whatever.

Look, Harvey,
I've learned something tonight.

There are two things I'm lucky to have:
My friends and my magic.

And I wouldn't give them up
for anything.

I should have stuck with stamps.

My work here is done.

Wait, what about us?

Oh, sorry. I completely forgot.

Uh, Mermaid, Sasquatch,
back to your homes.

So, Angus,
where would you like to go?

Well, I got a wife and 12 kids
back in Ireland.

Ireland it is.

Wait, are you nuts?
Send me to Vegas.

Ireland it is.

[IN IRISH ACCENT]
Give thee some of my pot of gold.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Worth a shot.

Let's go.

[IN UNISON]
Sabrina.

Roxie, Morgan.
I am so, so, so, so sorry.

I took you both for granted,
I was a lousy friend,

and I borrowed your clothes
without telling you.

Wait, that wasn't part of it,
but I'm really sorry about that.

Sabrina, it's okay. We forgive you.

We just wanted you
to be happy and safe.

I know, I know.

You guys are like my family.

Okay, okay, enough hugging.
Let's bolt.

Yeah, let's get out of here.

[WHIRRING]

Relax, I was
just gonna cut some firewood.

Would you all please leave?

Hey, you may be a witch,

but you don't impress me
with all your fairy dust, sparkly...

Nice to have you back.

It was terrible.

Do you know how hard it is to shop

for one sensible pump
in a size 11 wide?

Not now, Salem.
I'm feeling miserable.

[SNEEZES]

Sabrina, we're just on our way...

Are you sick?

Yes, I am. Very.

I'll make chicken soup.

I'll get the thermometer.

Wait, we're doing it again.

Yeah, it's okay. Do it.

Yep, we're being her aunts.

- Be them.
- We'll see you later, Sabrina.

No, but I'm feeling lousy here, guys.

Auntie Morgan, Auntie Roxie?

Anti-histamine.