01x07 - The Witches Are Out

[bunniefuu]

Mmm! My, those cookies
smell scrumptious, Samantha.

Oh, thank you, Bertha.

You must give me the recipe.

Bertha won the pie-baking
contest at the fair this year.

Didn't you, Bertha?

Well, it was my turn.

Now, who would like
milk with their tea?

You've done enough, dear.

You come right over
here and sit down.

We'll take care of it ourselves.

Zolda, prankin, kopec, lum.

Zolda, prankin, kopec, lum.

I'm trying to give it up.

[♪♪♪]

Shouldn't Aunt Clara
be here by now?

She certainly should.

You know, I worry
about that woman

every time she steps
out of the house.

She's getting on,
you know, and she's...

Well, let's be frank.

She's gone a little funny.

And stubborn.

I offered to pick
her up, but no.

She insisted on
flying by herself.

Have either of you
flown with Clara lately?

Not lately.

su1c1de.

Plain su1c1de.

There's someone at
your front door, dear.

I didn't hear anything.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Excuse me.

Endora told me that
since the marriage,

she doesn't even do
little things anymore.

Oh, my stars! Aunt
Clara, what happened?

Oh, I got the spell all wrong.

I-I got all mixed in
the spell and I got...

Landed in the
middle of the freeway.

Oh, good gracious.

Well, here, we'll just
get you straightened out.

Come on in. Now,
don't you look lovely.

Yes. Dust you off a little bit.

Now, come on. Oh!

Hello, Clara.
Hello, Bertha, dear.

Come sit down. Now,
you sit down, Aunt Clara.

Oh, dear. I'll pour
you a nice cup of tea.

Oh, no, no, no. I
can do that myself.

Well, I'm not as old
as all that, you know.

Well. Well, now, let me see.

Now, let me see.

Zolda, prankin... Um... Kopec.

I know, dear. I
know, I know. I know.

Uh... Um... Lum.

Clara!

In the future, will
you please ask?

I didn't want any tea anyway.

And my powers are
just as good as ever,

so don't get pernickety with me.

It's just that at
this time of year I...

It sends me all flooey.

I hate Halloween.

[STAMMERING] I hate Halloween.

Well?

They're very good.

Good? Why, they're the
best Halloween candies

our company's ever
put out on the market.

Here, try some more.

Well, I haven't
finished what I have.

Go on, go on.

Now, what we wanted

was a special campaign devised

to run through the entire
Halloween season, right?

Mm-hm.

Nice and chewy, aren't they?

Now, of course, the
first thing we needed

was a highly identifiable
trademark, right?

I'm sure I can come up with
something for you, Mr. Brinkman.

You don't have to
come up with a thing.

I know exactly what I want.

I puzzled over it for
days, let me tell you.

And then suddenly, the
answer came to me just like that.

You ready?

A witch.

A witch!

Well, it certainly ties
in with the product.

It's not the broomsticks
I mind so much.

It's the way they make us look.

Those ugly, horrid warts and
those long, crooked noses.

I guess they just don't realize
that we're like anybody else.

Almost.

Up to now we've been
able to do nothing,

but I can't take
another year of this.

That's why we came
to see you, Samantha.

We thought you
might have some ideas.

MARY: We tried Endora,

but she's not interested
in the cause at all.

Oh, I know.

Mother flies to
the south of France

every year this time
till it all blows over.

She thinks we should
just try and forget it.

I can't forget it!

Every time I see a picture of
one of those ugly old crones

I fly right home and
cry myself to sleep.

An ugly old crone, huh?

With a long nose. I mean long.

And then warts on her chin, huh?

And broken teeth. A lot of...

A whole mouthful
of broken teeth, huh?

And a tall, black hat, huh?

And a broomstick.

Huh? Huh?

Can I see some rough
sketches tomorrow, huh?

Well, I'll get to work
on that right away.

I don't know why we
don't simply tell everyone

that we're witches.

And then they'd see what
wonderful, nice people

we really are.

You'd better take out
lots of fire insurance first.

Oh, Bertha, they stopped
burning us years ago.

We have made some progress.

Well, not enough.

I personally think it all
begins with the children.

Someone ought to
rewrite those fairy tales.

Well, you know.

Show Hansel and Gretel
for what they really are.

A couple of pushy kids

going around eating
sweet old ladies' houses.

I think that's the silliest
thing I ever heard.

You got any better ideas? Oh.

Wait a minute.

Darrin might have an idea.

A mortal?

MARY: Oh, I don't
think so, Samantha.

Mortals don't seem to know
how to do anything too well.

Darrin's a very good
advertising man,

and he's familiar
with our problem.

But do you think
he's interested enough

to do anything about it?

I'm sure he'd be
glad to help us.

I think that's a
crackerjack notion.

Right up with the times.

I'll talk to him as
soon as he gets home.

He'll probably have
some wonderful ideas.

Darrin's home early.

Perhaps it'd be better
if I spoke to him alone.

Well, we've stayed much
too long anyway, dear.

Do you really think
he'll be able to help us?

I'm sure of it.

Well, do keep in
touch and let us know.

Oh, I will. Thanks
for the tea, dear.

We'll just slip out this way.

We had a lovely time. Goodbye.

I'd better be running
along too, you know.

Certainly, Aunt Clara.

Now, anything you
need, let me know.

Oh, yes.

Goodbye. Oh, goodbye.

[LAUGHS]

Goodbye.

Aunt Clara!

Are you all right?

The door... Oh, f-fine.

Fine. I... What went wrong?

Maybe you didn't concentrate.

Oh, yes. Could be, you know.

Oh, Aunt Clara. Here, I
have a marvelous idea.

Why don't you go out the back
and through the kitchen door?

M-maybe that would
be the best way to do it.

These walls are getting
harder and harder every time.

Aunt Clara!

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh, hi, sweetheart.

Hi, sweetheart.

Expecting rain?

Oh, no. No, just
straightening up.

How was your day?

Grim.

Sweetheart, there's
something very important

I'd like to ask
your advice about.

Sure, honey, just
as soon as I put

some finishing touches
on these sketches.

Do you have a bicarbonate handy?

Did you eat something
that disagreed with you?

You could say that.

Sure. I'll get you one.

Here you are, darling.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

You look tired. Oh,
I'm almost finished.

What is it you wanted
to talk to me about?

Well, Darrin, I need
some professional advice.

I was thinking this afternoon

that just about this time
of year somebody sh...

What's that?

It's a Halloween
witch for a billboard.

You're gonna use that picture?

Well, it's not
quite finished yet.

I thought I'd put
another wart here.

Darrin, how could you?

You of all people. You
should know better!

That's the kind of thing
we're trying to fight.

What are you talking about?

That picture. It's offensive.

Offensive? Is that
how you think I look?

Will you calm down,
Sam? Well, do you?

Of course not! Then
why did you do it?

Because that's the way
most people think witches look.

Is that any reason

to discriminate against
a minority group?

What minority group?

Witches, of course.

But, Sam, people
don't believe in witches.

What's that got to
do with anything?

How can you discriminate against
something you don't know exists?

Don't split hairs!

[SIGHS]

Sweetheart, if you realized
how ridiculous you s...

Where are you going?

I'm going to hang by my
feet from a beam in the attic

and cackle at the moon!

What's the matter with you?
Are you serious about this?

Of course I am!

How would you like it

if you were always
being represented

as something different?

Well, let's face it, darling.

You are a little
diff... Darrin, please.

What did I say?

You're prejudiced!

Prejudiced?! Mother was right.

If I was prejudiced, I
wouldn't have married you,

would I?

Oh, so that's it.

You think you
did me a big favor.

Took the poor little witch in.

Quite a sacrifice!

Must make you feel
very self-righteous.

Is that it?

I may get very sick.

Anyone as bigoted
as you deserves it.

I am not bigoted!

Witches have feelings just
the same as anyone else.

When we see
those little children

running around on Halloween

with blacked-out
teeth and warts,

well, don't you understand?

It hurts!

Does it really mean
that much to you, Sam?

Of course it does.

I remember when I was a child

Mother and I used
to leave the country

so we wouldn't have to
look at those ugly masks.

It was horrible.

Oh, I knew you'd understand.

I understand perfectly, darling.

I just hope Brinkman does.

I'm telling you that's
not what I want!

I want an old crone,
with blacked-out teeth

and she's got warts on...

Mr. Brinkman, please listen.

Listen to me. Listen
to me for just a minute.

Now, everyone uses the
traditional Halloween witch.

But who's to say that
they really look like that?

Now, my idea is to get
away from the old stereotype

and use a beautiful,
well-dressed witch

as your trademark.

You're nuts.

Witches got long noses
and blacked-out teeth...

Will you stop saying that?

You don't know what
you're talking about!

Now, look here, fella. I
don't like being insulted.

Neither do witches!

They've got... feelings too.

You're afraid of
offending a witch?

Well, if I were a
witch, I'd be offended.

Wouldn't you, Mr. Brinkman?

I mean, if, uh...

you said that I
looked like that, I...

Mr. Brinkman, supposing
there really were witches,

and there's no absolute
proof that there aren't,

can you imagine
how they would feel

to have their image distorted?

Tate, come in here, please.

What's the trouble?

Say to him what
you just said to me.

I was just trying to
convince Mr. Brinkman

to use a beautiful
woman in the campaign...

No, no. The other
thing, the other thing.

Go on, go on.

Well, I was just
putting forth the theory

that, um... witches might exist.

Witches?

You hear that?

You mean with long
noses, blacked-out teeth

and warts?

No, of course not.

They probably look
more like... Uh...

Glinda.

BOTH: Who?

Well, Glinda.

The Good Witch of the
North from The Wizard of Oz.

Oh, she's gorgeous.

The, uh, Good
Witch of the North.

He doesn't want
to hurt her feelings.

I'm merely suggesting a
more sophisticated campaign,

something with a
bit more imagination.

Darrin, you do understand

exactly what Mr. Brinkman
wants, don't you?

He should. I told
him a thousand times.

Well, it's a simple little
breakdown of communication

somewhere along the line.

You'll have your
sketches, Mr. Brinkman.

How about it, Darrin?

Put someone else
on the account, Larry.

What?

Darrin, I see no reason

why there should be
this sort of a problem.

It seems to me to be a
fairly simple campaign.

Very simple from
Mr. Brinkman's point of view.

What's wrong with
the way I see it?

Nothing at all from
your point of view.

I just think that it should have
a little more sophistication,

a little more imagination.

Darrin, you're being
unnecessarily willful

and stubborn.

I'm being honest!

Who made you an
authority on witches?

Nobody.

But...

Well...

What's so great about warts?

Hi, honey. Did they call?

No, they didn't call.

Oh.

Maybe you should call
Mr. Brinkman and apologize.

You know I can't do that.

Not even for me?

For you?

Darling, I can't
go on like this.

I've been feeling guilty

ever since you walked
out on Larry Tate yesterday.

Why should you feel guilty?

Because if you
weren't married to me

you wouldn't have lost your job.

Subconsciously, all our lives

you're going to
hold it against me.

I've told you this has nothing
to do with you, Samantha.

You get out of here and
let me do these bills, huh?

Darrin? Hm?

I have an idea.

What?

Mr. Brinkman wouldn't care

what sort of a campaign he had

as long as he sold
his candies, right?

Mmm.

Well, suppose somehow

all the other candy companies
went out of business, and I...

Will you stop that?

You've gotten me in
enough trouble as it is!

You see? You do
hold it against me.

Samantha!

Aunt Clara?

Mary?

Bertha?

I have to talk to you.

We're here, Samantha.

Are you all right, Clara?

Yes, yes, of course I am.

Oh, let me go. I
can stand by myself.

I'm sorry to get you up
at this hour of the night,

but it's very important.

We know, dear. We feel
terrible about what's happened.

It's all our fault that your
young man has lost his job.

Now, what can we do to help?

Well, now you must
understand Darrin is very proud,

and unless he's asked to
go back, he won't go back.

It's a matter of
principle and integrity.

Two excellent reasons.

Bertha could make
a telephone call.

She's wonderful
at voice imitations.

No, what I was thinking of

was a way to make
Mr. Brinkman change his mind

about the campaign.

That way we'd be helping Darrin

and ourselves at the same time.

Wonderful. Now, what's the idea?

I thought we could start
with a protest march.

Oh, that's very good.

And nonviolent.

We could have signs.

Signs? Oh, that's
an excellent idea.

How about:

Very much to the point.

Now, let's see. Um...
How about this one?

Wonderful.

I know one too.

SAMANTHA: I think that
makes clear exactly how we feel.

And if this doesn't
have any effect,

I have a few more ideas

we can discuss on the
way to Mr. Brinkman's.

Good. Coming, Clara?

Clara!

Oh, I was just mentally
counting my doorknobs.

[CHUCKLES]

BERTHA: You need a sign.

A sign?

Oh, a sign.

Oh.

No? It was the best I could do.

Shall we go?

What are you doing up there?

Just read the
signs, Mr. Brinkman.

"Vote for Coolidge"?

These signs, Mr. Brinkman.

We're a protest group.

Oh. Uh...

We object to the advertising
campaign that you've planned

depicting us as old crones.

We find it distasteful
and insulting.

I don't care what you find it.

What business is
it of yours anyway?

Why, it's very much our
business, Mr. Brinkman.

We're witches.

Oh, you're witches, are you?

We certainly are.

Now, look, you come on
down here off my lamp.

And the rest of you
come on down here too.

You hear me?

Don't you believe
us, Mr. Brinkman?

I'll tell you what I believe.

I believe you'd all
better get out of here

before you're thrown out.

He doesn't believe us.

BERTHA: Well, I guess

we'll just have to convince him.

All ready?

Together.

Clara, what are you doing?

Oh, I was just looking
at his doorknob.

[CHUCKLES]

How do you get it so brilliant?

Huh?

Stick to business, Clara.

Now, come up here and sit down.

Do keep your shirt on.

All right. I've had
enough of this.

Maybe the police will
have something to...

[RATTLING]

Snake!

[LAUGHS]

Still don't believe in
witches, Mr. Brinkman?

It's... It's that rich food.

It's all that rich food I ate.

I should never eat
French cooking, that's all.

My stomach just won't take it.

Criticizing French cooking!

[TUTS]

[FRENCH ACCENT] Cigarette?

Uh? Huh?

Blindfold? W-why?

Why would I need
a blindfold? I...

Ready?

Oh, please, don't
sh**t me. Don't.

OFFICER: Aim!

I do believe in witches. I do.

I do, I do believe in witches.

OFFICER: Fire!

[g*nf*re]

You shot me. I'm dead!

I told you I believed you
but you k*lled me anyway!

It's not fair!

Oh, nothing of the sort.
You're perfectly all right.

I'm all right?

Practically.

What do you mean practically?

Take a look in the mirror.

W-what did you do to me?

The same thing you did to us.

I never did anything to you.

Old crones, you said,

with long, hooked noses and
blacked-out teeth and warts.

How'd you like
to go through life

looking like that?

You wouldn't leave me like this.

Of course not.

We want the world to
know you as you really are.

You'll do the same for us,
won't you, Mr. Brinkman?

Oh, I promise!

I promise!

Good. You can look again.

Boy.

That's what I call a nightmare.

I need a drink.

I'm glad you finally saw my
point of view, Mr. Brinkman.

I know you won't be sorry.

Mr. Brinkman?

Huh?

Oh. Oh, oh, sure.

Sure, that's... Sure.

Uh, would you like me to go over

the details of the
campaign, Mr. Brinkman?

Huh?

The details?

Oh. Oh, no.

No, you do everything.

I-I have to go to
the police station.

What for?

I was robbed.

DARRIN: I'm sorry to
hear that, Mr. Brinkman.

Well, it's all right.

All they took were doorknobs.

A hundred and five of them.

Every doorknob in the house.

Morning. Hello.

Hello, Samantha.
Nice to see you again.

Hello, Larry.

No, couldn't be.

Oh, I'll admit I was skeptical,

right up until the time Brinkman
confirmed our research reports.

Mothers and children
don't buy Halloween candy.

Fathers do.

And that gorgeous
witch on the billboard

has kicked Brinkman's
sales up 27 percent.

Darrin, your instinct
was absolutely right.

Thank you.

Well, of course it was.

He's the best advertising
man in the business.

Oh, thank you both
for them kind words.

Come on, Darrin, tell me.

Where'd you get the
idea for that campaign?

Well... It was intuition.

That's something you can't buy.

You either have it or you
haven't, wouldn't you say?

I sure would.

And I'd like to propose a toast.

To Darrin's intuition.

Wherever it comes from,

may he never lose it.

I'll drink to that.

Me too.

[♪♪♪]