01x04 - Mother, Meet What's His Name

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: Among the more
soul-satisfying suburban activities

is that collaboration
with nature

that brings fragrance
and beauty to the home:

horticulture.

Husbands are appreciative
of their wives' efforts

as they leave for their offices,
secure in the knowledge

that their mates
are at home digging,

rather than in town shopping.

In time, patience, fortitude
and loving care are rewarded

by fragrant blooms... sturdy
and bursting with color.

Providing, of course,

you have the proper
soil and a green thumb,

or unless you
happen to be a witch.

[♪♪♪]

ENDORA: To think I'd ever live

to see the day a
daughter of mine

would be down on
her knees in the dirt,

digging for onions!

I'm not digging for onions.

I'm planting gladiolus.

You're making
a fool of yourself.

That's what you're doing.

Oh, now, Mother,
don't be so stuffy.

Everybody plants flowers
around their homes.

It's part of the
scheme of things.

Anyway, it's fun planting seeds

and watching flowers
grow in a natural way.

Yes, I saw an exhibition

of that natural
growth this morning,

when whosis left

for wherever it is he
goes in the morning.

Well, I just didn't
want to look a failure

first time at-bat.

First time at what?

"Bat," Mother.
It's an expression.

Yes, I know what a bat is.

Those ugly flying things

that people think
we're always cooking.

Not that kind of bat, Mother.

A baseball bat.

I'm afraid you've lost me.

It's a game that people play.

Haven't you ever seen it?

Oh, don't be absurd, Samantha.

Well, it's very exciting.

They play it with a ball
and a big stick called a bat.

One man throws it

to the man holding the
bat, who tries to hit it.

Then everybody chases the ball.

And the man who hits it

runs around in a circle

on a field called a diamond,
before anyone else can tag him.

You're not serious. Oh, yes!

Darrin took me once.

I don't believe it.

And the one who runs around
the most, wins the series.

Series of what?

Nothing. Just a series.

It's typical. Typical.

That's a human being for you.

Spend most of their lives
running around in circles

for a series of nothing.

Would you like some coffee?

Love some.

I'll wash out the
cups and saucers.

Why?

Well, 'cause we only have two.

We haven't bought any
dishes or silver or linen yet.

What sort of coffee do you have?

Fresh, in the percolator.
I made it myself.

No, thank you.

I think I'll have a cup of
Turkish kawah this morning.

Mmm! It's delicious.

Have some?

No, thank you.

And I wish you wouldn't
do that. Do what?

Well, you know perfectly
well what I'm talking about.

This is a normal household,

and I'm trying to
avoid witchcraft

wherever and whenever possible.

That's ridiculous, Samantha.

You are what you are,

and there's nothing you
can do to change that.

I'm not trying to change.

I'm merely trying to adjust.

He's trying to make you over.

He's doing no such thing.

Samantha, one of these
days you'll see that I'm right.

I detest sounding like
one of those mothers

who thinks they know it all.

But unfortunately... I do.

Get away from the
window, Gladys.

That house, Abner.

There's something funny
going on with that house.

Nothing funny.

[TAPS GOLF BALL]

It's an ordinary house.

If one minute you
saw trees growing,

and the next minute
you saw nothing,

wouldn't you think something
funny was going on?

If you heard lightning
and whooshing noises

all the time, as if things
were flying around,

wouldn't you think a minute
before being so cocksure

that everything was as
normal as blueberry pie, Abner?

Move, Gladys.

You're not listening.

I'm listening.

You're not interested.

I'm interested. Keep talking.

Just move a little. Aw...

"Place cloves
approximately 2 inches apart.

Sprinkle generously
with brown sugar.

Then add ginger ale..."
Mother, Mother, Mother!

Hold it! I have to
get the cloves in first.

Of course. I'd forgotten.

You do everything
the hard way now.

It isn't hard. It's fun.

Anyway, that oven
practically does it for you.

All you have to
do is set the dials

for whatever time
you want dinner...

Uhh. I forgot to ask Darrin

what time he'd be home.

Well, I guess I'd better go
to the village and call him.

What's the matter
with your telephone?

Hasn't been connected yet.

Is that all?

There you are. You can call now.

Well, just remember.

You did it, I didn't.

Oh, hi, honey.

Well, I should be
through here about 6:30

and home about 8.

Hey, I see you got the
phone connected, huh?

No. No, they won't be here
until later this afternoon.

Bye, darling.

Bye, darlin'.

Move a little, would
you mind, Gladys?

Do you have any idea

how nervous I am about
going over there today?

If you're nervous, don't go.

Well, I've got to.

I mean, we're part of
the Welcome Wagon.

Shirley Clyde and
June Foster and me.

We're the committee.

And you know how they're dying

to get in there
and see the house.

Move left a little. I
can't see the glass.

It wouldn't surprise me

if none of us were
ever seen again.

What did you say?

Oh, never mind.

Your shadow's on
top of the ball, Gladys.

So help me, I wish
you'd cut this nonsense

and develop a hobby.

[TAP]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

About 20 minutes per pound.

Twenty-five would be better.

Why, Mother, I
thought you didn't fool

with mortal things like cooking.

What I said was

I didn't believe
in exerting myself.

I didn't say I didn't know how.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, I'll get it.

Some of the girls
coming to call.

Oh, really?

Snooping, no doubt.

I'm sure you won't mind

if I make myself
scarce for a bit.

Coward.

Discretion is the
better part of valor.

[CHUCKLES]

How do you do?

How do you do?

I'm June Foster.

This is Shirley Clyde
and Gladys Kravitz.

We're the Welcome
Wagon Committee.

Welcome to Morning Glory Circle.

Well, thank you very much.

Won't you come in?

You sure you're not
busy with someone,

um, maybe your mother,
maybe your sister?

No, not a soul here but me.

No one?

No.

Oh. Uh, that's my boy, Robert.

Robert, now, you
behave yourself.

Oh, he's a nice-looking
young fellow.

Gracious.

That's Shirley's son.

I see.

Three.

We don't know who he is.

Oh. He's cute.

We brought you this cake

as sort of a housewarming gift.

Oh! It's coffeecake.

Why, thank you!

Thank you very much.

Do you have a maid

with a large, curly head around?

Sorry. No maid.

[ALL CHATTERING]

Now, children...
if you aren't quiet,

you can't stay in here!

No roughhousing, Stephen.

You shouldn't touch things
that don't belong to you.

Put that back
wherever you found it.

That's perfectly all right.

Uh, w-why don't you sit
down in the living room

and make yourselves comfortable

while I put the
cake in the kitchen?

SHIRLEY: Oh, why don't
we all go into the kitchen?

We wouldn't mind at all.

Of course not.

After all, we're
really not company,

and, well, your nice things

will probably have to last you

for a long, long time.

Boys, all right, get out.

Now, don't get into mischief!

Oh, that's love-ly... Oh!

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Would you like some
cake and coffee?

Oh, we'd love some.
Where are the cups?

Cups?

Oh, not your good
cups, of course.

Right over there
in the cupboard.

Oh!

That's bone china.

We haven't unpacked
the good stuff yet.

I-I can't seem to
find the silverware.

Silver?

Well, it's right there in
the drawer to your left.

Oh, I thought I looked there.

Well, look again.

Napkins, ladies?

Hi, there, lady.

How do you do?

I'm Black Bob, the
fastest g*n in the West.

I'm an Indian. He's a horse.

Who are you?

I'm a witch.

Okay.

You a good witch or a bad witch?

Comme ci, comme ça.

Here come the bad guys!

Little boy!

[SHOUTING, FIRING g*n]

Little boy, here, now.

Ugh!

[IMITATING g*nf*re]

Of course, we
don't want a freeway

coming through this area.

No. Then on Monday,

you're going with us to
picket the construction gangs.

I will?

Do you have a gardener
that works in pajamas?

We're forming teams
of two girls each.

Shirley and I are
leading picketing teams,

and Gladys will stand by

in case someone has to sit
down in front of the cement mixer.

Me? Why me?

We voted.

Nobody told me.

It was a secret ballot.

Then, of course, you'll help
us with the refreshments, and...

The boys are awfully quiet.

Yes, isn't that nice?

Boys are always dangerous
when they're quiet.

Let's check into this.

Yes. Yes, of course.

Nobody asks me.

They just say,
"Gladys, go sit down

in front a cement mixer."

What are you boys up to?

There was a witch in here,

and she tied us up. Yeah!

SHIRLEY: Oh, that'll
be enough of that.

I think we'd better
take them home.

They're getting pretty tired.

Oh, I understand.

How did three of
'em get tied up?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

For goodness
sakes, what is this?

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

Shirley. How do you suppose
all three of 'em got tied up?

Boys will be boys.

Yeah, but if two are tied
up, who ties up the third?

Stephen, stop pushing!
He's smaller than you are!

Shirley, if you had two kids,

and they were both tied
up... Just a minute, Gladys.

Don't run into the street!

What is it?

Oh, not so loud, Shirley.

What's the matter with you?

Now, don't yell.

I'm just asking you
a simple question.

SAMANTHA: Mrs. Clyde,

the boys are in the street.

Oh, uh, of course.

Those boys. I really
don't know what...

Stephen, I told you not to run!

If he gets perspired,
he gets the flu.

I'd better take him home.

Please come back
again another time.

Abner, you won't believe it

when I tell you
what just happened.

It's Gladys!

You don't think this
is a crazy house?

Well, listen to this.

Three kids just got
tied up in the bedroom.

Do you hear me? Three.

So what? I'll tell you so what.

How did all three of
them get tied up, Abner?

Tell me that.

Oh, you don't understand.

Two kids are tied up in the
bedroom, and one kid isn't tied up.

That's normal.

But not three kids tied up.

Never mind, Abner. Never mind!

I should know better
than to talk to you.

Never mind!

[KNOCKING]

Mrs. Stephens?

Oh, no, Mrs. Stephens
is in the living room.

Oh. Well, I'm here to
connect the telephones.

Well, go right ahead.

It was very nice
meeting you, Mrs. Foster.

Thank you, Mrs. Stephens.

Maybe next week I'll
take you to our decorator.

He can do wonders for you.

Thank you. That's very kind.

Robert!

Thanks for everything,
Mrs. Stephens.

I had a wonderful time.

Oh, please come back again soon.

Oh, sure, sure.

By the way, I let in
the phone repairman

to hook up your telephones.

Thank you.

To hook up your telephones?!

The phone was not connected.

May I never get
off this couch again

if the phone was connected!

Gladys, don't get excited.

You'll melt the cubes too fast.

You think I'm cuckoo, don't ya?

Gladys, you called
me about two kids

who were tied up in a bedroom.

Three kids! Three
kids were tied up.

Don't yell, Gladys.

If two kids were tied up,

I wouldn't have had to call you.

Don't you understand?

Sure, Gladys.

Then you believe me
that when I called you,

the phone was not connected?

You want me to call
the doctor, Gladys?

No, it wouldn't do
any good. Why not?

Because he doesn't
believe me either.

I told you, Samantha,

that you wouldn't like being
part of the animal world.

They're not animals, Mother.
They're human beings.

Yes, of course.

Granted, the most
intelligent of animals.

And as Diogenes
said, also the silliest.

Or was it Diogenes?

Hmm? Oh, well,

It was one of those
young, good-looking Greeks

who talked an awful lot.

Mother, you must believe
that Darrin isn't like that.

Like what?

The average human.

He's not covetous or
envious or inconsiderate.

Are you trying to
convince me or yourself?

I think it's time the two
of you met face to face.

Oh, really?

Would you care to have
dinner with us tonight?

Well, I don't know.

Still... it might
be fun at that.

You wouldn't do anything
startling, would you?

Why?

Does what's-his-name
have a weak heart?

His name is Darrin,
Mother. D-A-R-R-I-N.

And he's in
perfectly good health,

and I want him
to like my mother.

What sort of mother
do you think he'd prefer?

Lavender and old lace?

Pioneer stock, perhaps.

Old world?

New world?

[ENGINE RUMBLES]

What would you prefer?

Very funny, very funny.
But I'd prefer you on time.

[TIMER DINGS]

Oh, my ham.

Now, Mother, please
say you'll come.

Well, I suppose I might
as well get it over with.

Yes. I'll come.

And I prefer the natural
you. And so will Darrin.

[CHUCKLES]

I wonder.

You are very pretty.

That's not quite
the right expression.

You are very pretty.
I'm very handsome.

What time did your
mother say she'd be here?

Oh, almost anytime now.

Can I make you a drink?

Definitely.

You know, having a plain,
ordinary mother-in-law

is a new experience to me.

But having a
mother-in-law who's a...

I mean, uh... Do you,
uh, resemble her?

No. I look like my father.

Ah.

Oh, what does your
mother look like?

Well, she's 5'6" and
weighs about 118 pounds.

Well, sounds normal.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, um... It looks...

It sounds like she looks normal.

What do you expect
my mother to look like?

How would I know?

Well, you know what I look like.

Well, that's no proof!

Proof of what?

Proof that she doesn't have...

Well, a...

Well, what sort of
eyes does she have?

They're blue.

All five of them.

You're kidding.

Why is it that human beings

care more about what people
look like than what they are?

It's not that at all, Sam.

Well, then what
difference does it make

what my mother looks like?

I'm merely trying
to prepare myself.

For what? I don't
know if I like the idea

of having a mother-in-law
with five blue eyes.

Oh, don't be idiotic.

Oh, idiotic, am I?

Well, let me tell you
something, Sam...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

She's here.

Well, at least she didn't
fly down the chimney.

Well, if you're going
to be insulting...

I'm sorry, Sam. I...

I didn't mean to say
that. It's just that...

[SIGHS]

Well, I'm nervous.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Will you answer
the door, or shall I?

I'll answer it.

Ask her to leave
her broom outside.

[♪♪♪]

Good evening.

Good evening.

Won't you come in?

Samantha.

This must be what's-his-name.

Mother, this is my
husband. This is...

Darrin.

Oh, we were just having a drink.
Would you care for a cocktail?

Thank you, Mr. Stephens.

Well, I'd like it much better

if you would call
me by my first name.

Oh, very well, Dennis.

Darrin, Mother.

Oh! Oh, of course.

I'd like a very dry martini.

Italian vermouth, Spanish
gin and a Greek olive.

Well, I don't think
we have any of...

Oh, don't bother.
I'll fix it myself.

It's marvelous. Marvelous.

Now, young man,

suppose you tell
me all about yourself.

What you do and
why do you do it,

et, cetera, et
cetera, et cetera.

Well, I'm in the
advertising business.

I'm with a firm called
McMann & Tate.

Really? Isn't that interesting.

Oh, pardon me. Do
you have a cigarette?

Oh, yes, of course.

Thank you. You were saying?

Our firm handles some
rather large accounts.

Thank you. I have a light.

Mother, Darrin's firm
is one of the largest

advertising
agencies in the world,

and Darrin's one
of its top executives.

That sounds very exciting.

Samantha, may I have
that ashtray, please?

Oh, yes, certainly.

And Darrin is responsible

for all of the creative
designs for their campaigns.

What on earth
did you do that for?

Do what?

You carried that ashtray to me.

Don't tell me you've
forgotten how to levitate.

Well, of course I
haven't forgotten, Mother.

It's just that Darrin prefers

that I don't do any
of that stuff anymore.

Why do you object to my
daughter being herself, young man?

Well, I don't object, Mrs...

You'll never be
able to pronounce it.

Just call me Endora.

I like Samantha the
way she is, Endora.

She doesn't need any
of that other nonsense.

Nonsense?

Darrin doesn't mean anything.

Darrin, please.

I mean, we don't need
those powers of hers.

We can handle things
very well by ourselves.

Oh, you think so, do you?

Oh, I don't mean
to be disrespectful,

but we wanna live normal lives.

What is normal
to you, young man,

is to us asinine.

Samantha is what she is,
and that you cannot change.

Mother, I made
the decision myself.

Yes, I know.

A decision I do not approve.

Samantha and I can handle
our problems by ourselves.

They're nobody else's business.

Darrin, please!

Are you threatening me?

Not exactly.

Darrin, please understand.

Mother means well.

Don't you worry, my poor baby.

Your mother will see to it
that you're treated properly.

I have every intention
of treating her properly

without any help or
interference from you.

Young man!

Mother, don't!

Very well.

Just consider yourself lucky

that you are not at this moment

an artichoke.

So from now on, watch
your step, young man.

Mother is watching you.

She's really very nice
when you get to know her.

Abner!

Gladys, what are you doing?

She went away
in a puff of smoke.

I saw her!

One minute she was there.

Bang! The next
minute, she was gone.

What's the matter with you?

All of a sudden, I'm
married to a Peeping Tom!

Spying on people,

sticking your nose in
everybody's business.

Go back to bed.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself!

Go ahead. Say anything you want.

Insult me. Call me cuckoo.

k*ll me. I don't mind.

And you know why, sweetheart?

Because I know
this is all a dream.

[CHUCKLES]

DARRIN: Oh, sure, sure.

I suppose I look like
some sort of a freak to you

because I wanna
live what is to me

a perfectly normal existence.

Darrin, I didn't say that.

I understand how you feel.

Whatever it is you want,
that's what I want too.

Are you absolutely sure, Sam?

Yes.

What about your mother?

Well, she'll get
used to the idea.

Anyway, you married
me, not my mother.

Say, could she...
I mean, really...

Turn me into an artichoke?

If she wanted to.

Oh, that's creepy.

What could you do?

I mean, if she did?

Nothing, except... Except what?

I could become an artichoke too.

[♪♪♪]