02x01 - Ground Rules

[bunniefuu]

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪ ♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪ ♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪ ♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪ ♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪ ♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous Three is company too ♪♪

[ Laughing ]

Well, this is it. Hi.

Hi. What are you doing here? I live here.

I thought you were going out tonight. I changed my mind.

Aren't you gonna introduce us?

Alex, this is Jack. Hi, Alex.

You said you shared your place with a girl.

We do.

[ Chuckling ]

He's such a kidder.

Actually, uh, Jack is just visiting here from back home.

[ Clears Throat ] H-H-He's my brother.

[ Chuckles ] Of course.

Of course. I should've noticed the resemblance.

You won't believe this, but a lot of people think we don't look alike at all.

[ Chuckles ] Well, you know, I have an eye for these things.

Oh, you do, do you?

Jack, could I see you out in the kitchen for just a moment?

Sure, sis.

Oh, remind me to tell you about the time when we were kids... and we were taking a bath together, and she...

Look, go find your own friends to play with, okay?

I'm just teasing. It's a brother's right, isn't it?

Hey, what is this brother business, anyway?

Well, I don't think Alex is the type to believe a man and woman living together platonically.

Oh, then let's try something he will believe.

[ Screams ] Oh, please do me a favor. Go down to the Regal Beagle.

No, I've got some studying to do. I'll go to my room.

You'll look through the keyhole. That's a good idea. What will I see?

Two people drinking coffee. You gotta do better than that... if you expect me to look through a keyhole.

Oh, will you please go away!

Will you please calm down? I'll go down to the pub, and I'll stay there for an hour.

No, no. Stay out real late, okay?

Why, you little coffee drinker, you.

Well, I gotta go.

Well, enjoy your stay in L.A. Thanks.

Say, you be nice to my little sister, you hear?

'Cause, uh, we come from a very protective family. You know what I mean?

Adios. I'm the smallest of Janet's six big brothers.

And between us, we're two miles tall.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Oh, Stanley, look.

Look, look at that.

So?

Doesn't it give you any ideas?

Yeah, somebody ought to call the cops on 'em.

Don't you have any romance in you?

Yeah, but those things should be done in private.

Come on, Helen. Let's go home.

Oh, Stanley, do you mean it?

Yeah, I gotta do the books tonight.

Oh, come on, Stanley. It's Friday night.

Let's go home and have some fun.

My mind is not on fun.

Then think of it as work.

I don't mind as long as it comes out the same.

Helen, I told you. I gotta work on the books.

Oh, tonight it's the books.

Last night you suddenly got interested in the plumbing catalog.

And the night before you took out the garbage, piece by piece.

Well, those things have to be taken care of.

What's more important, the garbage or your wife?

Well, you are, you are.

It's just that you're not as urgent.

You're impossible. Helen, why is it your mind is always on the same thing?

It's perfectly natural. When you're starving, you think of food.

And when you're not... All right, all right.

Oh, hi, Mr. Roper and Mrs. Roper. Oh, Jack.

Look who's here, Helen. Jack. What's up, Jack? Hi, Jack.

Well, the water in our toilet t*nk, actually.

Oh? Yeah, it keeps filling up too high.

Well, that sounds very serious. I better look at it tonight.

Jack, please. Can't it wait till tomorrow?

Please.

Whatever's convenient.

Hey, Jim.

Listen, I would like a bottle of, uh, "Puis Fusé '67," slightly chilled, but not frigid.

Sorry, Jack. I just sold the last half-bottle of "Puis Fusé '67."

Oh. Then I'll have a beer, '77.

Hi. Hi.

What's a nice girl like you doing in a nice place like this without a nice guy like me?

Waiting patiently. Oh, yeah?

My name's Jack. I'm Veronica.

So, tell me, Veronica.

Would you like to swing on a star?

Carry moonbeams home in a jar?

Or would you rather be a mule? [ Giggling ]

I love multiple choice questions. Oh, you do?

Jack, I have got to talk to you.

Chrissy, can you maybe, uh, see...

Oh, am I interrupting something? I hope so.

Oh. Sorry.

We can talk about it later when we get home, okay? Home?

Oh. Oh! Uh, Chrissy, this is Veronica.

Veronica, this is Chrissy, my sister.

Oh, of course. I should have noticed the resemblance.

Oh, look, if you two have something to discuss, I can...

Oh, no, no. They can wait, can't they, Chrissy, sister.

Oh, of course. Yeah. I can wait all night.

Patience, it's a family trait.

Oh, look. I have to go. Listen. Why don't you give me a phone call, okay?

Or if you agree to go out with me tomorrow, you can save me a dime.

Tomorrow? Oh, Saturday. I've got a family get-together. Oh.

But I'm free Sunday. Oh, great. I'll call you tomorrow.

I'll be waiting. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Mm, mm, mm.

Very pretty. Thank you.

Why? You had nothing to do with it.

What's on your little, tiny mind, Chrissy?

Well, Janet just kicked me out of the house, and I don't think she has any right to do that.

Why? You did it to both of us last night. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Let's go home. Janet won't like that.

I don't care. This has been happening too often.

You girls come home with a boyfriend and you tell me to get lost.

How'd you like it if I kept coming home with a boyfriend and told you two to get lost?

That's tellin' her.

You people got rights too.

Janet, I mean, about last night, I'm really...

Uh. I don't want to talk about it.

Good morning. She doesn't wanna talk about it.

Oh, you're still upset about last night, huh? Me? Upset?

Why? You mean because you two broke in... right in the middle of a very personal argument between Alex and me?

And because you told us to leave the room... and go settle things in the bedroom, which is where we were having that very personal argument.

Me? I'm not upset at all.

I'd be upset.

Look, I've been thinking. You know what's causing our problem?

An interfering jackass of a roommate?

That's no way to talk about Chrissy.

She meant you. Look, look. What we need around here is a system.

We gotta lay down some ground rules so that scenes like last night won't happen again.

Oh, that's a good idea. Thank you.

You know what we can do? We can divide the night into shifts, you know?

Like 7:00 to 9:00, 9:00 to 11:00, and 11:00 to 1:00.

And suppose I like to spend four hours with a guy.

What should I do, spread him over two nights?

That's a good point. Hold it, hold it.

I happen to have a simple but brilliant plan, all right?

Anybody who wants the place to themselves... has to give the other two 24-hour's notice.

See? 24 hours, and you got the place to yourself.

Well, I like that. I do too.

Yeah, but I know how you girls are.

So remember, no exceptions, no changes.

Okay, no changes.

Those are the rules, agreed? Agreed. Agreed.

Well, I'm glad that's settled.

I reserve tomorrow night. I get Monday.

Sheryl said she might come over on Tuesday. Jerry asked me out Wednesday.

I've got a date with the Lowell twins Thursday and Friday. Stop it!

I would like to squeeze in there somewhere between now and Christmas.

Tonight's still free. Take tonight.

Oh, okay. I'll take tonight. Yeah, yeah.

There's a great Humphrey Bogart movie on the tube I've been dying to see.

[ Phone Ringing ] I'll get it.

A movie on the tube, huh? Yeah.

I've got an idea. How about I call up Alex and ask him to give you another chance?

Of all the stupid ideas. Hey, is that any way to talk to your brother?

Jack, it's for you.

Yuck!

Who is it? She said to tell you... it's someone who'd rather not be a mule.

Hello, Veronica? Hi.

Excuse me, Veronica.

Chrissy. Why do you want her to be a mule?

I don't. But why did she say...

Chrissy, it was a joke.

Oh. I don't get it.

Hello, Veronica. Hi. How did you get my number?

Oh, the bartender. Hey, listen.

I got tomorrow night all planned. You'll come over to my place and I'll cook up a...

Huh? I thought you said you had a family get-together...

Oh, switched, huh?

Tonight. Oh, wow. Tonight would be...

Oh, uh, tonight. Uh, well, see, tonight I-I don't have...

No. You see, Janet... J-J... I mean, gee, uh...

I can't... Sure, I wanna see you, but...

Swing on a star?

Listen, we got a date.

Okay, listen. I'll meet you at the Regal Beagle at 6:00.

No, no, no. No problem at all.

Everything's fine. I'll see you then. Bye-bye.

Why do I lie like that?

Janet? Mm-hmm.

I'm really sorry about last night.

And for anything else I've ever done wrong since I met you, I'll make it up to you.

For instance, if you ever wanted to, uh, trade nights with me, if it meant a lot to you, it would be okay with me.

Oh, no, Jack. I would never ask. Go ahead, ask.

I mean, you know, like if you're not happy with tonight.

Oh, tonight's great. I love Humphrey Bogart.

No, what I meant was maybe you'd like tomorrow night. Why?

Uh, well, you see, uh, I made this date for tomorrow night, but it got switched to tonight.

And knowing what a warm, generous, bighearted person you are...

Why, of all the nerve.

After you insisted on no changes, you come in here and ask me to change!

Just this once. Jack, those rules have only been in effect for two minutes.

Please? You're not being fair. No!

[ Gasps ] You made your bed, now you lie in it.

I can't, it's not my night.

Hi, Janet. Where's Jack? Hi.

You mean "hot-to-trot Tripper"?

He already left. Hey, are you still mad at him?

Well, he's got a lot of nerve, I'll say that for him.

I mean, first he makes up the rules, and then he wants to change them.

Isn't that just like a man? Yeah, a woman would never do anything like that, would she?

Well, of course not. Unless there was a very special reason.

Like what? Like Eddie maybe?

You know, Eddie from the office. Yeah?

Well, he's taking me out tonight.

And, naturally, he'll want to see me home.

Naturally, you'll want to have him in for coffee.

Well, isn't that a special reason? Naturally.

Then can I switch nights with you?

You're in luck. Humphrey Bogart isn't talking tonight.

What? The sound is out again.

Oh. Look, I'll go catch a movie, and you can have the apartment all to yourself. Oh, thank you.

And listen, you can come back whenever you like.

Gee, Chrissy, I hope you don't have that same problem I had last week with Bob.

What problem? Well, he kept looking for a parking place for his hands.

[ Sighs ] Why can't a guy realize... that when a girl says no, she really means no? Right.

[ Chuckles ] Except when she means maybe.

Do you want these on your tab too? Yes, please.

I don't have any cash on me, or anywhere else for that matter.

[ Chuckling ] I know him.

How long we gonna stay here? Don't you like this place? The Regal Beagle.

You know, it's a great place. Just like home, you can really relax here.

Why don't we go to your place and have a drink?

Uh, well, uh... Oh, this is so embarrassing.

Uh, if you must know, it's not my night.

Well, how do you know if you haven't even tried?

See, what I meant... I wasn't talk...

No, okay. See, uh.

My place is taken. Yeah. My sister is entertaining her fiancé.

Oh, that's too bad. Yeah, we don't think much of him either.

But we can have gobs of fun here. How?

How? How? How.

Uh, well. How?

Uh, well, I can show you my do-it-yourself toy. Huh?

Yeah, it's sensational. Here it comes.

All right now. You just wind the thumb.

What? Just wind up the thumb, and don't stop until I tell you to.

It'll k*ll you. Okay, faster. Faster, faster.

Okay, let go. [ Whooping ]

[ Imitating g*nshots ]

It went after the sandwich, and I had to sh**t it.

Maybe I'll get us some more wine, okay?

Jack, my boy. Hi, Mr. Roper. Two glasses of white wine, please.

Oh, thanks, Jack. No, the second one's for a friend.

Oh, which one is it? The guy with the leather jacket and the matching purse?

No, he's not my type.

Be back in a minute, honey. Okay.

Who's that? Oh, it's a friend.

Uh-huh? Oh, we're just pals. It's like you going out with the guys.

You two go bowling? Something like that.

Does she know that you're, uh...

She knows exactly what I am, thank you.

You know, you're lucky, Jack.

You can be pals with women. Hmm?

I mean, you don't have the same problems that a regular man has.

Like what? Well, you'll never have a wife nagging you.

Not that I have anything against marriage, but, uh, wives can be very demanding.

You know, they're always asking you to-to...

To do things.

What kind of things? You know, like things.

Like, uh, things.

Like? Like, uh, uh...

Like putting up a shelf? That's it. Putting up shelves.

And they're never satisfied. I mean, it's not as though I never put up a shelf.

But, I mean, maybe I don't put up as many shelves as some husbands, but...

But then, I put up shelves.

I'm sure you do.

If Helen had her way, I'd be putting up a shelf every night.

That's a lot of shelves.

What I don't understand is... I'm back. Oh.

Ever since she's given up smoking, she doesn't know what to do with her hands.

Oh, the poor kid. Yeah. Well, nice seeing you, Mr. Roper.

Oh, Jack. I promise to get to the toilet as soon as possible. Huh?

Thank you. I-I...

I went up to fix it tonight, but there was nobody home.

And I don't like to barge in on people when they're not there. Hold it. Run that again.

I don't like to barge in on people... Before that.

I'll try to get to the toilet... After that.

Nobody was home. That's it!

Nice, bumping into you, Mr. Roper. What?

Nobody's home, you know what that means? I think so.

Maybe we can put up a shelf. Huh?

Hello? Anybody home?

Come on in. [ Giggling ]

Alone at last. Yeah.

Can I get you something? A glass of white wine would be nice.

You got it. Wait a minute.

I don't think we have any left in the house.

Oh, it's just as well. If I had another drink, I might do something very foolish.

I'll find something.

I'll have better luck in the kitchen.

Well, while you're doing that, maybe I'll just freshen up a little.

Yeah, you do that. Right in there. And then I'll meet you right back here.

Ciao. Ciao.

[ Giggling ] I had a wonderful time.

No, you can't come in. It's very late.

But thank you for a lovely evening though.

Watch your hand.

Surprise! [ Screams ]

This isn't what you're seeing! Your own sister?

No, wait. See, I can explain.

I've seen some pretty kinky things, but with your own sister?

And who's this one, another sister?

Oh, right. Our friends call us Donny and Marie.

Wait, wait, wait. Let me just explain something. You sickie!

Wait, Veronica, calm down. You come near me and I will scream!

No, wait... You, you sickie!

I am not a sickie! I'm just a liar!

What are you doing here anyway?

You broke your own ground rule. I heard the apartment was empty.

You were the one who said there was no exceptions. No, but Mr. R...

I think there should be a penalty for this. So do I.

Look, let's make a new rule, all right? Okay.

From now on, anybody who's in the apartment when it's not their night... will lose their turn for an entire month. I second that motion.

Come on, come on. Then let's put it to a vote. All in favor, raise your hands.

One, two, three. Hey, wait a minute...

It's unanimous. No.

[ Gargling ]

[ Gargling ]

Stanley, is that you?

Did I wake you, Helen?

You've been doing the books all this time?

No, I took a little walk.

And I stopped by the Regal Beagle, and I got to thinking that...

I haven't been putting up enough shelves lately.

You've had too much to drink.

I had just enough.

Helen, now that you're awake, I can tell you I have no more little jobs to do.

Correction:

I have one more little job to do.

Oh, Stanley.

Do you mean it?

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Oh, Stanley.

Be gentle with me, Helen.

What's that? It's water.

Water leaking through the ceiling.

Their t*nk overflowed.

I gotta go up and fix it.

Leave it!

Tonight let's drown.

[ Man ] Three's Company was videotaped... in front of a studio audience.