01x19 - The Hot Piano

[bunniefuu]

There she is, a genuine Stoneway.

Boy, that's just what I wanted.

I'll take it. I'll take it. Can you deliver it tonight?

You're joshing me, bud.

I'm not. It's got to be there when she wakes up in the morning.

Sorry, bud.

I can't move a piano by myself.

How's about your, uh, muscular little friend there giving you a hand.

Come here, my muscular little friend.

It's no use, Fred. The piano is too fat for the door.

What do you mean, "too fat"?

Stand back while I throw a little weight on it.

But, Fred, you're a lot of weight.

Uh-oh.

Fred. Yes, honey.

I must be dreaming. A piano just went by.

[whistles]

[siren wailing]

♪ Happy anniversary Happy anniversary ♪

♪ Happy anniversary Hap... ♪ ♪ Hm. Nothing here.

[grunting]

Wilma!

Yes, Fred. Breakfast ready?

Almost. I'll call you.

♪ Happy anniversary Happy anni... ♪ ♪ Nothing here.

And nothing here, either.

I'll have to jiggle this boy's memory.

After all, your tenth anniversary comes only once in ten years, and I don't intend to let it go by without a struggle.

Your juice is ready, Fred. Be right with you, honey.

Fred? Yeah.

I'll, uh, bet you don't know what day tomorrow is.

Sure I do.

Tomorrow is Thursday, followed by Friday as usual.

And to elaborate further on the subject, today is Wednesday, preceded by Tuesday as usual.

And where is my breakfast as usual?

♪ Here comes the toast Here comes the toast ♪♪

[Fred] What do you know, heart-shaped toast.

Now, does that remind you of anything?

You mean tomorrow is St. Valentine's Day?

You're not even warm.

Does this thing on my head mean anything to you?

Don't tell me. You either got a headache, or it's your dusting day.

Well, I tried.

So long, honey, I'm late for work. And take care of your headache.

I've been taking care of him for years.

Wilma! I remember!

How could I forget such an important day?

You remember? Sure.

Tomorrow is the day they collect the trash.

[ringing]

[Wilma] Hello. [Betty] Hi, Wilma.

Hi, Betty. - Did you win?

No, I'm glad I didn't bet on it.

I hit him with everything but rice and old shoes and he still didn't remember tomorrow is our anniversary.

Try the bridal veil routine. That never misses.

- Wanna bet? Oh, it did?

- What now? Now what am I gonna do?

Simple. Since I'm dressed for it, I might as well do some dusting.

Bye.

[chuckling]

Barney-boy, I was superb. I got to hand it to you, Fred.

Wilma hit me with everything except rice and old shoes trying to make me remember our anniversary.

But I acted dumb. How could she tell the difference?

[laughs snidely]

How would you like to be called Fat-lipped Barney?

Oh, just kidding, Freddie. What I want to know is, how come you remembered your anniversary this year?

Easy, I never forget trash day, and this year our wedding anniversary falls on trash day.

You always were lucky. So, uh, what are you going to get her?

You know how it goes every year. Yeah, Wilma gets you a tie.

Right. And I always forget. Right? Right.

Then I run out and buy some flowers. Right.

And Wilma doesn't speak to me for two weeks.

Right. Happens every year.

This year, I'm getting her something she's wanted for 10 years.

Yup, I am going all out.

What is it, Fred? I'm all a-goggles. Keep your shirt on, Barney boy.

Here we are.

[skidding]

What are you getting her in here, Fred? What do you think?

Go ahead, take a little guess. I don't have to guess.

You're getting her this new album:

Music to Calm a Volcano By.

No. Guess again. Don't tell me, Fred. A xylophone?

[playing lively tune]

I can't stand amateurs.

How thoughtful of you, Fred.

No, Barney, not a xylophone. Well, uh, what's left, Fred?

Remember that $50 in prize money I got for winning the lodge bowling tournament?

Yeah. I'm blowing the whole roll.

No, Fred.

Yeah, when Wilma opens her eyes tomorrow morning, the first thing she's gonna see is this. A piano?

Fingers. Now, let's not wrinkle the piano.

Well, if it isn't Mr. Flintstone, the anniversary boy.

Don't forget now, tomorrow is trash day.

Never mind that. I've decided to buy a piano.

Good. Shall I wrap it up, or will you play it here?

Not so fast. How do I know this piano is any good?

[man] Would you like to try an arpeggio?

No, I have my heart set on a piano.

That sounds like a good one to me.

Yeah, 1 out of 88. What does that prove?

Stop picking on the little fellow.

Go ahead and play, Shorty. Thanks. I'm a little rusty, though.

[knuckles cracking]

[wrists squeaking]

[creaking]

Barney, if you're gonna play, play. He has to limber up, doesn't he?

Now let's see, how does that tune go?

[playing lively tune]

Oh! Good, I know that one.

Thank you. Not at all, carry on.

Do you mind if I cut in? Be my guest.

[playing classical tune]

Oh, boy.

Nice touch. Thank you.

All right, I'm convinced. Be quiet, we're coming to the finale.

[both playing complicated duet]

Say, did you study with Professor Pizzicato?

Five years.

I knew it. I recognized your pianissimo.

Oh, thank you.

[playing high notes]

[man] Clever.

[continue playing duet]

All right, knock it off!

What are you, a music hater? No, I'm a piano purchaser.

I remember you, the anniversary boy. Do you see anything you like?

Yeah, the one you've been playing on. You have good taste.

It's a genuine Stoneway. When can you deliver?

It's your piano, when do you want it? Tonight, after my wife is asleep.

Ooh! Aren't we sneaky!

And when do we expect to pay for it?

[Fred] Right now.

Good, that'll be $1,500.

[stammering]

Fifteen hundred? [laughs] He's only got 50.

We have a nice piano stool in that price range.

Yeah, that's a good start, Fred. Then you could buy the piano next year.

Are you kidding? The anniversary is tomorrow.

Now, what will I do?

Why don't you forget it, like you do every year?

Cheer up, Fred. You can buy a lot of flowers with that 50.

How about one of them big flower horseshoes with "good luck" written on it? No.

I wanted something special.

[Louis] Hey, psst.

Hey, bud. Bud. Huh?

Did you call me? Yeah, come here a minute.

You want to talk to me about something? Yeah.

You look like a pretty hot piano player to me.

Well, [laughs] I play a little Chopsticks.

That's what I thought.

How would you like to pick up a pretty hot piano?

Sure, where's your store? I don't have no store.

Where's the piano? Around the corner, in a truck.

I don't need a store. No big overhead, no smart-aleck salesman. Yeah.

I even park the truck in the low-rent district and pass the savings on to you.

That makes sense, Fred. [Fred] Yeah, let's see the piano.

Sure. Follow me, bud.

There she is, a genuine Stoneway.

Boy, that's just what I wanted. How much?

Um...

How much were you thinking of spending, bud?

I don't think I can afford it. All I got is 50 clams.

By a strange coincidence, that's exactly what I'm asking for this box.

You mean I can have it for 50? Did you hear that, Barn?

Hold it, hold it. Do you get a guarantee with it?

Certainly. I guarantee it's a piano, and when 88 Fingers Louie makes that guarantee, he stands by it.

That's good enough for me.

I'll take it. Can you deliver it tonight?

You're joshing me, bud.

I'm not. It's got to be there when she wakes up in the morning.

Sorry, no dice, bud.

With me, it's strictly cash-and-carry.

Give me the cash, and you carry.

I can't move a piano by myself.

How's about your, uh, muscular little friend there giving you a hand? Yeah. Yeah.

How about it, Barney? No, not me, Fred.

I'm not a piano mover. Besides, I am too little and puny.

Barney! [Barney] And besides...

Come here, my muscular little friend.

Besides I've been sick, Fred. Honest.

What kind of a friend are you that won't help a neighbor with his wife's anniversary present?

Gee, I'm sorry, Fred, I'm ashamed of myself.

[Fred] You should be.

Now hold steady while I back the car in under it.

Attaboy. Easy now, let it down slow.

Good. Hang on, Barney. Right, Fred.

Just remember, watch those bumps.

I'll watch the bumps, you watch the piano.

Why don't you just come out and ask him?

"What did you get me for our anniversary?"

You know we can't do that. Why not?

Because we're women, that's why. Besides, you know the code:

Make them think it's their own idea.

Yeah, and then if they forget, we make them feel miserable for the rest of the year. [giggles]

He might still remember, and that will surprise you.

And, listen, call me if he comes home with anything.

I won't be able to. I'll be in a state of shock.

There goes Betty, heading back towards my house.

Good, now come on, don't let her see you.

Okay. Now, let's take it from the top.

First, we hide the piano back at the garage, so Wilma can't see it.

Right. Second, I go into the house and play dumb. And no cracks.

Right. Third, after she's asleep, you sneak the piano into the house.

Right? Wrong.

You got me doing a solo, and I see it as more of a duet.

All right, I'll help you carry it in.

Now, remember, we meet here at midnight.

[imitating salesman]

"Aren't we sneaky!" Oh, boy.

Wilma, I'm home. Fred.

What's that for?

Oh, nothing. I just wanted to see if you brought anything home with you.

I did, honey. You did? What?

An appetite like an elephant.

Too bad you don't have a memory like one.

[chuckling]

[crickets chirping]

It's after midnight and no Fred. He must have overslept.

[Fred snoring]

Psst! Hey, Fred.

Fred. Hey, Fred.

Hm. I'll flip a pebble in there. He'll thank me for waking him up.

[gulps]

[splash]

Huh?

[Barney] Hey, Fred. Fred.

Boy, what a sound sleeper. I'll try something bigger.

Hey, Fred.

Shh!

I'm sorry about that rock, Fred.

Stop talking and start pushing.

I'm pushing, Fred. Oof!

Uh-oh.

I'm sorry again, Fred.

So help me, if you bust that piano.

It's okay, Fred, listen.

[playing "Chopsticks"]

You pinhead.

[muffled scream]

[screams]

[panting]

Thanks, Fred. That was a close one.

I promise, Fred, I'll be careful, and I won't make a sound. Good.

And I promise I'll never make the mistake of asking you for help again.

But it's heavy, Fred. Whoever heard of a light piano.

Just don't drop it.

[muffled groaning]

What happened?

Oh, no.

Don't worry, Fred, I know what to do.

[screams]

Let's get on with it, Fred.

[scream echoes]

I gotta stop eating in those cheap restaurants.

[whispering] She all set, Barney? She's all set, Fred.

Now keep it quiet. Right, Fred.

Heave.

Heave.

Heave. Quiet!

[moans]

Fred, is that you?

Uh-oh.

[piano crashes]

Fred, what was that crash? It's nothing, honey.

You were just having a loud nightmare.

[laughs]

Oh.

Good night. Good night, darling.

Hey, Barney. Yeah, Fred?

Quit your stalling. We're taking it in through the front door.

Right. I didn't mean to lie down on the job, Fred.

It's no use, Fred. The piano is too fat for the door.

What do you mean, "too fat"? It won't go through. It's stuck.

Stuck, huh? Stand back while I throw a little weight on it.

But, Fred, you're a lot of weight.

Uh-oh.

Fred. Yes, honey.

I must be dreaming. A piano just went by.

A piano?

[laughs]

Why it's merely a manifestation of your subconscious clashing with your conscious.

Huh? Which in turn is a logical outgowth for the possible childhood musical frustration coupled with the cucumbers you had for dinner.

Yeah., yeah, yeah.

Good night, Fred. Good night, darling.

What happened to you? I just got run over by a piano.

Which way did it go? It went thataway.

Oh, no!

Hold it. Hold it!

How do you stop this thing?

[police siren wailing]

Uh-oh.

All right, pull over.

This time you slipped, 88 Fingers Louie.

But I'm not 88... Quiet, don't interrupt.

Sooner or later, a criminal always makes a mistake.

Imagine, driving a hot piano through a red light.

But I wasn't driving a hot... With no tail lights, no head lights, and no license.

You will get at least 20 years for this. Have you got any last words?

All I wanted to do was surprise my wife on our wedding anniversary.

A likely story. Wedding anniversary?

Jumping dinosaurs! Today is my own wedding anniversary.

Officer. Yes, sir.

[sergeant] Show 88 Fingers that the department has a heart.

But I'm not 88... [sergeant] Quiet!

Give this criminal a hand with his anniversary gift while I run out and get one for my own little bride.

How could I forget it, especially when it comes on trash day?

[Barney] Hey, Fred.

Fred, where have you been? Where's the piano?

Shh!

[whispering] Hold it down.

Is Wilma still sleeping? As far as I know.

Okay, boys, the coast is clear.

And keep it quiet, will you, fellows? Yeah, right, keep it quiet...

[all] ♪ Oh! Happy anniversary Happy anniversary ♪

♪ Happy Anniversary Happy Anniversary ♪

♪ Pour a cheerful toast and fill it Happy anniversary ♪

♪ But be careful you don't spill it Happy Anniversary ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

♪ Happy Anniversary Happy Anniversary ♪

♪ Happy Anniversary Happy Anniversary ♪ Fred, you remembered.

How could I ever forget the happiest day of my life?

♪ Oh! Happy Anniversary Happy Anniversary ♪

♪ Happy Anniversary Happy Anniversary ♪ Thanks, fellows, it sure was.

♪ And happy he They're both as happy as can be ♪

♪ Celebrating merrily Their happy anniversary ♪ And I didn't forget you, darling.

Happy anniversary. A tie.

With spots on it already.

Just what I always needed.

Oh, Fred.

♪ Oh! Happy anniversary Happy anniversary ♪

♪ Happy Anniversary Happy Anniversary ♪ All right, fellows. I appreciate it, thanks.

♪ Oh! Happy anniversary Happy anniversary ♪

♪ Happy Anniversary Happy Anniversary ♪

♪ We now state emphatically It's happy anniversary ♪

♪ Not another day could be Her happy anniversary ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

♪ Happy anniversary Happy anniversary ♪

♪ Happy Anniversary Happy, happy ♪

♪ Happy, happy, happy Happy, happy, happy ♪

♪ Happy Happy Anniversary! ♪♪ All right, knock it off!

Fred, this is the most wonderful anniversary I ever had.

You mean up to now.

[officer] Congratulations, ma'am. Thank you.

Let's go, Louie. Louie? That's not his name.

Mm-hm. Yeah, we know. They call him 88 Fingers, too.

But I tell you, I am not 88 Fingers.

What's all this 88 fingers? That's my husband.

Eighty-eight thumbs maybe. Yeah.

But 88 fingers, never. Yeah.

Mm-hm. Tell it to the sergeant. Okay, boys, take the piano out.

We'll need it as evidence. My piano.

Fred, why are they taking my anniversary present?

It's a long story, Wilma.

Barney will explain the whole thing to you.

Right, pal? Right, pal.

So long, Barney.

So long, 88 Fingers... Louie... Fred.

I tell you, you're making a mistake, officer.

The guy you're looking for is fat, dumpy, and kind of stupid looking.

And he's shorter. He is shorter than I am.

Mm-hm. Come on, 88, when are you going to learn crime don't pay?

[dispatch on radio] Calling the wagon. Calling the wagon. Come in, Car 11.

Come in, Car 11.

Car 11, over. [dispatch] Arrest bulletin.

88 Fingers Louie has just been apprehended.

See, I told you.

[dispatch] 88 has admitted the theft of a hot piano.

See, I told you.

[dispatch] Says he sold it to a fat, dumpy, stupid-looking guy.

Yeah, that's me! That's me! Ha, ha!

You see, I'm innocent, just like I told you.

Mm-hm. Okay, I guess you're clean.

Just remember, if you play with a hot piano, you'll get your fingers burned. Yeah. [laughing]

All 88 of them.

[laughs]

That's a joke, get it? Yeah.

Fred. [Fred] Hello, Barney.

I explained everything to Wilma. You did?

What did she say, Barney? What did she say?

What did she say? Yeah, what did she say?

Nothing. Oh, boy.

She stopped talking to me already.

What are you going to do now? The same thing I do every year.

After it's too late, I run out and buy some flowers.

But next year, you know what I'm gonna do?

What, Fred? The same thing.

Hey, officer, wait!

Yeah, what's up?

Do me a favor, will you? Like what, Mac?

Drop me off at the flower shop.

Wilma.

Wilma!

Come on, Wilma, open this door!

Wilma!