04x09 - But Not in That Way

[bunniefuu]

[ thunder crashing ]

[ drilling, sawing ]

[ electricity crackling ]

lt's alive!

Nice wang!

[ balloon squeaks ]

Nice poodle!

[ balloon squeaks ]

Nice pretzel!

Come on, honey.
The Red Wings game is on.

No, Dad,
l'm watching lnuyasha.

Kagome, you look similar
to Kikyo.

lnuyasha, l am
just a schoolgirl.

Curse Kaede's magic!

Without the jewel
of the four souls,

l'll never become
a full demon!

What...

the...

f*ck.

Dad, shush!

[ sighs ]

Kikyo sh*t me with an arrow
when l tried to steal the jewel.

l will not let you
have the jewel.

l'm not a dog, although l do
lift my leg to pee sometimes.

You do indeed look
like a dog.

Sit, boy.

Oddly enough,
l also lift my leg to pee,

although you wouldn't
think so.

Now that was a good episode.

Wait, it's over?

When's it on again?

Ah, stupid Adult Swim only
plays it on Saturdays now.

What?!

l'm not waiting a whole f*cking week
to find out

whether lnuyasha and Kagome
get together!

Come on!

f*ck!
Best Buy's closed.

Maybe Target's still open.

Dad, you are seriously
weirding me out.

Dad, l want to watch
Gossip Girl.

Shh! lnuyasha's on!

l know it's on!

You've been watching the DVDs
for eight hours!

Honey, did you go
to work today?

Yep.

No, you didn't!

l meant my life's work.

Do you like
the meat loaf, dear?

l'm pretending it's demon food,
since l'm half-demon.

[ creaking ]

[ moaning ]
Oh, Barry.

Call me ''lnuyasha.''

Yes, lnuyasha!

Yeah, Kagome!
l'm giving it to you, Kagome!

Do me, lnuyasha!

Oh, l'm doing you, Kagome!

[ groans ]

Honey, the Red Wings are on.

Dad, please just let me
watch Gossip Girl.

Ooh, who's that?

ls that boy going steady
with that girl?

l could really get
into this show.

Aah!

...With two minutes left...

And Dad wins.

[ buzzer ]

l'm hungry, giving tree.

Take one of my apples, Gary.

Thanks.
lt's hot, too.

[ creaking ]

Mm, a little --
little to the right.

l asked her to marry me,
and she said yes, giving tree.

We are gonna need a house.

Probably.

So, can l, you know, like,
maybe, uh...

Take my branches?

Thanks!

Wait, that was a question,
not a statement!

Oh! That's my left branch!

That hurts!

Giving tree,
my family has grown.

l want to add an addition
to my house.

Ah, good for you.

[ singsong voice ]
Come on. You're the giving tree.

Yeah, l guess that's true.

Great!

Well, you should know l've
been having termite problems.

Oh, really?

Yeah, but, you know,
my cousin across the field

is another giving tree.

Oh, thanks.
You're such a good giving tree.

Hey, what's up?
You're another giving tree?

l just want to get -- ow!

Why are you taking off
my pants?!

Did l say giving tree?

l meant raping tree.

But l'm sure he'll give you
something,

like a big, thick
stick up your fat ass.

[ laughs evilly ]

Oh, look, kids.

Lucky had a litter of kittens.

Mm. Congratulations.

[ sniffs ]

Anyone going to freak
if l eat the afterbirth?

And now for the weather.

Thunder!

Thunder!

Thunder!

And now sports.

So, you see, no one stabbed
you in the vag*na, Punky.

You're a woman now.

lsn't that exciting?

l guess it is, Henry. Thanks.

Well, l'll be in my room
with the door locked.

l thought he'd never leave!

Ready for another magical
adventure?!

Mm, not today, Glomer.

Don't you want to look
for rainbows

in the marshmallow
clouds?

[ scoffs ]

l'm not a little girl anymore,
Glomer.

Maybe l just want to go
to the mall.

Can l stay out here?
lt's dark in the closet.

Hide in your closet, Glomer!

[ whimpers ]

Oh, my God, and did you see
how Ricky looked at me?

Eeeeee! He's so cute!

Please, Punky.

Ugh! l'll call you back.

What?!

[ coughs ]

lf l make you a pot of gold,
can l have a glass of water?

[ cellphone rings ]

Oh, my God, that's him!

[ whimpering ]
So hungry.

Ah, why aren't they growing?

[ ding! ]

Punky, is that you?

Ricky said l was flat,
Glomer.

l want you to give me boobs.

You k*lled me, Punky.

l'll never see Chaundoon again.
l'm dying.

Not before you make my chest
bigger!

You hear me, Glomer?!
Glomer!

[ sighs ]

[ warbles ]

Yes!

Wait, wait, what's happening?!

Choke on it, bitch.

Henry-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-!

Hi.
l'm looking for my blind date.

He's supposed to have
a yellow face with a red mask.

Supposed to be really sexy.

Ahh, an evening devoid of
nightmares and dreamscapes.

Well, hey there, Kingsy!

Aah! Dean koontz?

That's me.

Hope you like chills of that caliber

'cause old Koontzy just
bought a place down the road.

Of course, it ain't quite as
nice as your house --

foundation's a little creaky,

doesn't really hold water,
but same neighborhood, right?

Ooh, got an iPod, eh?

Old Koontzy went
with the Zune --

almost as good, not
quite as well-reviewed,

doesn't quite get the shelf space
an iPod does,

but it costs the same,
which is weird.

Yeah.

Always room for second-best,
l say.

[ engine revs ]

So, you got a car that looks
just like Christine?

A lot of iconic images
in your books,

but l don't know about
all that.

Old Koontzy takes the bus --

not quite as fun getting
from ''A'' to ''B,''

but it's an easy ride.

How did you find out
where l live?

Hey, what would you say
to a Koontzy/King collabo?

''Koontzy and King'' --
that's got a nice ring to it.

This conversation's over.

Now, hold on, Kingsy.

You just let old Koontzy
worry about the ending.

l don't want the Koontzy/King
collabo ending

with a giant
frickin' spider.

Oh, it won't.

[ screams ]

Looks like your evil car
k*lled another one, Mr. King.

What a tragedy.

We've lost one of America's...

...authors.

[ laughs ]

No use asking questions about
the supernatural, right, officers?

Of course, Mr. King.

Have a nice day.

[ ding! ]

[ farting loudly ]

[ glass shatters ]

Welcome to American Gladiators:
Crossing the Border.

Our contestant today is Pablo.

lf you get past the Gladiators

and bust through the wall
at the far end,

well, brother, then
you've made it

to the United States of America.

Bueno.

ls the contestant ready?

Sí.

Are the gladiators ready?

Ready!

Let's do it!

Go!

You had this coming!

Let's do it!

Ay, madre de dios.

l'm a pro!

Let's do it!

Ohh!

Mi saco de amor --

hay estallado.

Let's do it!

Ohh!

Yeah, don't throw that ball!

l don't play fetch, man!

l'm sorry, amigo.

You fought well, but you just
weren't up to snuff

against the
American Gladiators.

Si.

So we're gonna have
to send you back home.

Hasta luego.

Bring it out, boys!

That's all for now.

We'll see you next time on

American Gladiators:
Crossing the Border.

[ shouts ]

l love geography day.

l got ltaly.

l got Russia.

l got lraq.

[ Morgan Freeman's voice ]
A joker came to Arkham Asylum

in the summer of Aught Nine.

l know as much because
l remember thinking,

''that is the whitest son of a bitch
l have ever seen.''

He had a funny way about him --

Not ''ha ha'' funny,
more ''s*ab s*ab'' funny.

Welcome back to Arkham's
Top .

The riddler writes,
''Joker, can you please play

'Who Let the Dogs Out?'''

[ laughs ]

[ over loudspeaker ]
Well, Riddler, here's your
death-row dedication.

Yes!

He even found a way to fool
the Sodomites.

Come here, Joker.

l'm gonna fill that balloon up
real good.

And despite appearances,
we became friends.

l hear you're a man
who can get things.

Well, that depends.

l need a large poster
of Phyllis Diller.

That may take time.

Time's the one thing
l've got.

Well, that and dementia.

[ thunder crashing ]

Scarecrow, check.

Two-face, check.

Joker...

Joker, you better be sick
or dead in there,

l sh*t you not!

l remember thinking
it would take a man

years to tunnel
out of Arkham.

What the hell?!

The joker did it
in just two days.

[ laughs ]

Clearly, l gots trouble
with the math.

Think you can escape through
the sewer line, huh, Joker?!

Not with the Batman
on your tail.

[ thunder crashing ]

Oh, it smells like
Batman Forever!

[ laughs maniacally ]

Sucker!

But what we didn't know was

that the Joker hadn't actually
left yet.

Buffalo wings, do your thing.

[ excreting loudly ]

[ toilet flushes ]

Uh, hello,
there's a man down here.

Please don't flush anything
for a while.

Oo-o-o-o-o-h-wee!

Forget about the green mile!

Try walking the brown mile!

[ laughs maniacally ]

Oh, God! Oh, God!

[ choking ]

Batman crawled through
a river of sh*t yards long.

l remember thinking that was
probably the length

of five ping-pong tables.

Again, not so good
with the math.

l remember thinking you'd have
to be pretty insane

to play a joke like that
on the Batman.

Oh, come on!

Then again,
l remember thinking

that was pretty damn
funny.

[ maniacal laugh echoing ]

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

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Ba-gawk! Bawk.