01x01 - Anything You Want

[bunniefuu]

Come in.

Hi.

-Hi, sweetie. -Hi.

What are we doing?

-Oh... -Well...

We were just getting up.

Come in.

Morning.

Morning, Simon.

I was just wondering, what are we having for breakfast?

I don't know that yet.

Ok, I'll wait.

Come in.

Hey, what's going on?

Uh, nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

-I'm hungry. -Me too.

Ok, I'm up.

Come in.

Hey, I was wondering where you guys were.

We're all right here.

Need some help with breakfast, mom?

No, thanks, honey, I'll get it.

Come in.

Hey, guys.

Matt.

It's Saturday.

So?

The day mom and dad sleep late.

Come on, Mary.

Let's go and get some breakfast.

Bye.

Hey, I'll race you down the stairs.

Thanks.

Here we are.

No, please. Don't get up.

May I please say the blessing now?

What's your hurry? You got a date?

I hope he doesn't, 'cause I need the car.

I thought you were gonna help me with my foul sh*t.

Now, dad?

Simon, wait 'till ruthie gets seated, please.

Now?

Dear god, thank you for this food, and if there really is a god, god, I know you'll find a way to get me that dog I've been wanting.

Amen.

What?

Well, first of all let me assure you there really is a god, and secondly, congratulations on going over our heads to get what you want.

Good luck.

Good luck, Simon.

We'll talk about this after dinner.

All right?

Can't you just sh**t with me for, like, half an hour?

You're 9th grade and you made varsity.

I've helped you all I can help you, kid.

But I missed 2 foul sh*ts last night. 2.

You've got time, Matt.

I thought you guys were sh**ting pool tonight.

No, dad's sh**ting pool.

I'm trying to have a life.

I've got a date.

Who are you supposed to go out with?

A senior. A girl who's a year older than he is.

Honey, when you're Matt's age, you can go out with someone older.

I promise.

It's not fair, mom.

All the guys my age are geeks.

You know, dog is god spelled backwards.

After dinner, Simon.

Matt, I want to talk to you, and I want to play pool.

Sounds like a tough decision.

Not really. Here's the deal:

We play, you win, we don't talk, or we play, I win, we talk.

I've never beaten you.

I know.

Lucy, that's really nice of you to help out.

Thanks.

You're looking awfully grown up these days, luce.

I'm not a baby, you know!

I want to eat in my room.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Fine, then.

I've got to-- let's wait.

You know if we had a dog, he could eat that.

Ouch! Darn it.

You know we could just get rid of the food the old-fashioned way and throw it in the trash.

No, no, I can fix it.

It's just a disposal.

You're beautiful, you know that?

Oh.

I've got grease all over my face.

You want to see a disposal?

I'd go anywhere with you, babe.

Here it is. Right there.

Now, see, you took up plumbing when you were pregnant with Simon?

No, no, electrical and plumbing was Mary.

Simon was ethnic cooking.

Uh-huh.

I kind of like it under here.

You know, a--a dog is a lot less trouble than a baby.

You want to talk dog with Simon, or puberty with Lucy?

Can I have mom? Please, dad? Please?

I'll be upstairs.

Ok.

Hello.

Mom, hi.

Whatcha doing?

Becoming a woman, so leave me alone.

Does standing on your head help?

Mary told me to do it, ok?

Ok.

What's she doing?

Dad! No! Aah!

She's becoming a woman.

Luce.

It's your dad. Remember me?

The guy who bought you anatomically correct dolls by mistake.

Come on. We've got a history of embarrassing stuff between us.

Let's talk.

Not that there's anything to be embarrassed about.

Hey, by the way, did--did you start your period yet?

Because, you know, I was once your age-- go away!

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

It's just that I was the baby for a long time, and I miss the individual attention.

-Uh-huh. -And I can get that from a dog without having to bother you so much.

I see.

And I would feed it and walk it and be no trouble at all.

Simon, sweetie, the bottom line is your dad and I have talked about this, and the decision was no dog.

Lucky for me you've got a mind of your own, huh?

Have you lost your mind?

You're gonna get caught.

Haven't yet.

Believe me, they're clueless.

Besides, I've got a foolproof method.

Nothing to it.

Your game's fine.

This is about a guy, isn't it?

-What if it is? -Is it?

Maybe.

You've got a guy.

No, I don't have a guy.

And do you know why I don't have a guy?

Yeah, because you're too tall, and guys your age are too short.

Right, so that makes certain things kind of impossible.

What things?

Things like if I could just kiss a guy, then I could quit thinking about it and concentrate on my game.

Well, you can kiss a guy.

Why can't you kiss a guy?

You've never kissed a guy.

Oh, well, by the time girls in my class were kissing boys in my class, well, I was taller than every guy in my class.

What difference does it make?

Tall, short, who cares?

It's too weird kissing a guy shorter than me.

I want to kiss someone taller than me.

Who?

There is no who.

Oh, yeah there is. Who is he?

It doesn't matter.

The point is, I don't know where my hands go or his hands or my face or his face or his lips and my lips and I don't want it to be awkward.

So...

So?

So I thought...

You thought what?

Couldn't you just...

Couldn't I just what?

You know.

Couldn't you just show me? You know, just so I could have some kind of experience.

Get out of here!

Oh, did I hear a scream?

Afraid so. Your turn.

Oh, by the way, mom and dad are dropping by tomorrow night.

-Dropping by? From Arizona? -Yeah.

Is that good?

I guess.

Does grandma like dogs?

Simon, what happened to the sea monkeys we got you?

Remember the sea monkeys?

I had nothing to do with that.

I see.

Uh, and, uh, what about the ant farm?

They ran away.

You dropped them.

Still.

And the goldfish?

Who knows how much a fish can eat, dad.

See, Simon, a dog is a lot harder to take care of than all these other pets, and I'm just afraid you're not responsible enough.

But, dad, all that was a long, long time ago.

All that was in the last 6 months.

But I'm all grown up, now.

I can take care of a dog. I swear.

-Don't swear. -Sorry, dad.

But what if a perfectly good dog that was out wandering the streets on it's own, and could get k*lled anywhere, anytime by anyone, just happened to come into our yard.

Could we keep that dog?

I mean, chances are he'd have a better chance surviving here with us, than out in the streets, dad.

Please? Please?

You're a pretty good negotiator, you know that?

So if by some great cosmic coincidence, a dog happens to come to you here at the house, fine, but you don't go looking for a dog, and you don't trick one into coming into the yard.

Tell your mom I'll be back in an hour.

Ok, god, now all you've got to do is get a dog into the yard.

I know that you can do this.

Don't kiss me.

Oh, would you stop. I'm not gonna kiss you.

Ok, so do I touch his face with my hands?

No, look, if anybody touches face, he touches your face.

Ok.

Or maybe he doesn't. Look, I don't know.

Do we have to do this?

Yes. So just stand still.

Ok, so I close my eyes, and--

oh, dad, this isn't what it looks like.

That's a relief.

Sorry.

Lucy?

Luce?

In here.

Lucy?

In here.

Hi.

Can you please tell dad to stay out of this?

Oh, honey, he just wants you to feel comfortable talking with him about everything.

You know.

I don't want to talk about it.

I just want to do it.

All my friends are doing it, and I'm like some kind of freak.

You're not a freak.

You'll start your period.

What if I don't?

You will.

I promise. You will.

Have you ever heard "for everything there is a season?"

You know?

A time to...Uh, hmm...

A time to, um...

Do something or other.

The point is that you just have to let nature take it's course.

You can't hurry these things.

Yeah. Thanks for trying, mom.

3 ball in the corner.

6 in the corner.

And, uh, I think the 8 off the rail.

Game.

Let's talk.

Hey, how are you doing, Andy?

Fine, thank you.

Can I get you boys anything?

No, thanks.

Oh, come on. I'll have a cup of coffee, black, and my son will have-- what is it you smoke?

Filtered, non-filtered?

Just bring whatever you have.

Look, I don't smoke.

The girl I'm seeing smokes.

I saw you smoking, Matt.

So what?

It's not like it's pot. It's just cigarettes.

Not really a good point, Matt.

So the cigarettes cost me what in allowance?

I do pay your allowance, don't I?

Uh, yes, I do.

20 bucks?

Ok, give me 20 bucks.

I've only got 20 bucks, and I've got a date.

Thank you. Thank you.

You know, you're not gonna get very far, because you left the car on empty.

It's not like I'm walking around with all this money.

Welcome to the club.

Do you know how you get money?

Yeah, you get a job.

Ahh.

I've been looking all summer.

Well, you're in luck.

'Cause I found you one.

I figured if you had a way to earn a little cash, you could pay for your little habit yourself.

So, you're not gonna try and make me quit?

You think I could?

Not really.

So what do you want from me?

Just take the job, and try keeping this one for a change.

That's it?

Maybe come with us tomorrow.

Not so much for me, for your mom.

You know...

Your hair-- dad, I'm not cutting my hair.

No, no, I was just gonna say it looks really good like that.

♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ how sweet the sound ♪

♪ that saved a wretch ♪

♪ like me ♪

♪ I was once was lost ♪

♪ but now... ♪ Please dog, just let a dog come into our yard today.

That's all, and I promise I won't ever let it die, ever.

♪ Now I see ♪

♪ amen ♪

Welcome.

Welcome, everyone.

I'd like to read something from ecclesiastes.

Although most of you may have thought this was from the byrds, it is indeed from ecclesiastes.

"For everything there is a season"--

Just stay right here.

Well, I guess they get enough of this stuff at home.

I used the same passage to comfort her about not starting her period.

She thought you were about to tell the whole church.

Now why would she think that?

Because she's 12, and a little crazy right now.

I've got to talk to her. Where is she?

Oh, Mary's taking her jogging.

She told her that would help.

Well, when she gets back, I'm gonna talk to her.

Why--why are you gonna talk to her?

Because that's what I would advise the father of any teenage daughter who's continually emotionally upset about the perfectly normal and wonderful process of becoming a woman.

Will you listen to yourself?

What?

You know, it's not all that wonderful.

It's also very scary and embarrassing and awkward.

Huh. Really?

Hello? Yes.

I think you need to take a little step backwards here.

I can't help it.

She's making me nuts.

Mary was never like this.

Lucy's not Mary.

Lucy's a lot more sensitive.

She's probably never gonna be like her older sister and ask you to just run out to the drugstore and pick up a big blue box of slender regulars.

Hey, don't take away my dreams.

I'm never gonna show my face in public again.

Oh, stop it.

Now, change your clothes and come jogging with me.

It'll be good for you.

That's what you said about standing on my head.

So?

So nothing happened.

I'm gonna stay in this house for the rest of my life and become a barren old woman.

Well, you can't.

It's not our house.

It's the church's house.

Someday somebody's gonna make you get out, so you might as well just get out now.

You think the woman who d*ed and left this house to the church was insane?

Maybe she's still hanging around.

Maybe I'm possessed.

You're not.

You just have p.M.S.

You think?

Take my word for it.

Now, come on, change.

Ok, but maybe I should take something with me, you know, just in case.

We're just gonna be running around the neighborhood.

We won't be 2 minutes from the house.

Still, it could happen, right?

Here you go.

Thanks.

You know, maybe you are possessed.

Dad, when is mom gonna make us something to eat?

Well, why don't I make us something to eat?

'Cause you don't cook so good.

Who says I'm a bad cook?

No one, 'cause we don't want to hurt your feelings.

Oh. Hey, Simon, how about some lunch?

No, thanks. I'm going up to the attic to see if there are any dogs wandering around.

You know, since it's sunday, and I asked god in church and everything again.

You know, Simon, god may not think you're responsible enough to have a dog, either.

Uh, dad, I think if there is a god, he knows me a little bit better than you do and, believe me, I am plenty responsible.

Ok, Simon, I hear you.

Of course, maybe if I had something to eat first, I can see further.

Dad, wait up.

Slow down!

This is slow.

I can't keep up.

Yes, you can.

I can't do anything. I'm a freak.

You're not a freak. You're a lunatic.

So come on, run. Let's go.

Come on, Lucy.

Hurry. Hurry up.

I can't go any faster.

-Yes, you can. -No, I can't.

Come on, hurry up--

Jeff, i'm--I'm sorry.

Hey, it's not your fault.

I'm sorry.

Yes, it was. I wasn't even watching where I was going.

Oh, hey, Lucy. I didn't know you liked to run.

Oh, yeah.

I was just going over to see Matt.

He said he got a job.

Yeah. Dad got something for him.

Cool.

Hey, since Matt's busy and all, maybe you'd like to come over and help me with my foul sh*t.

If you have time.

So, you coming over or not?

Yeah, sure.

Around 7:00.

Lucy, wait up.

You know, dogs can't eat peanut butter.

Sticks to the roof of their mouth and they can choke on it.

Fascinating.

So what time am I supposed to be at the old lady's house?

In half an hour, and her name is Mrs. Bink.

She happens to be one of my favorite ladies in the parish, so show a little respect.

5 bucks an hour, you bet.

Just needs someone to help her run a few errands, and you can drive her car--

'66 mustang convertible.

All right, cool.

If you lose this job, you owe me 6 months of sundays in church.

Not gonna happen.

All right.

So, dad, you know that talk about, you know, men and women and stuff, that you and mom had with me a couple of years ago?

One of my finest moments, son.

Well, you and mom might want to have that talk with Mary.

Think he knew it was a tampon?

Who cares?

I hate myself.

What are you gonna do? Hide every month like you're some kind of cavewoman or something?

Yep, and I'm gonna get out of gym.

Hey, you think Jeff is cute?

Forget it. They'll never let you go out with him.

Yeah, I know. But he's cute, isn't he?

He's not my type.

Oh, really? Who's your type?

Prince Charles.

But he's a snob.

That's just his public persona.

I bet he's really sensitive and shy.

Well, he'll be single soon.

I just didn't want her going around kissing some guy just to satisfy her curiosity.

We understand.

Personally, I think she's kind of young to be worried about this stuff.

-Yeah. -Oh, please.

She's 14 years old.

There's nothing wrong with her wanting to be kissed.

In fact, I think maybe we should let her go out with guys a little older and a little taller.

Are you kidding?

You have no idea what guys my age are like.

Um, I don't think I can take much more of this.

I'll drop him at Mrs. Binks'.

Oh, and don't forget, tonight grandma and grandpa are coming, so I want you back home in time for dinner, ok?

Mom, I want to be here.

I like them, ok?

How come they like your parents and they don't like mine?

'Cause mine are better.

Ok, listen to me. Listen to me.

Look. Look. Sit.

Ok. Speak.

Rowf rowf!

Good dog.

Come on. Come on, heel. Heel rowf rowf!

Rarf!

Arf arf!

Hey, man, how's it going?

Oh, fine, fine.

So how was your date?

Well, that's between me and her.

Just asking.

Hey, I ran into your sisters.

Mary wants me to come by and help her later.

No, you're not.

Yeah.

No, man, you're not.

Hey, Mary.

Hey, Jeff's busy tonight.

I am?

You just mind your own business.

What's up with you?

She's my sister.

You understand what that means?

Come on, Matt. I'll drop you off.

-Hi, Jeff! -Hi.

Don't forget, right, Jeff?

Are you ready?

Hey, dad.

Hey.

Can I have some of the paper?

-Sure. -Thanks.

You know, I've been wanting to talk to you.

About?

Well, your mother and I have noticed how responsible you are, and we're really proud of you.

And so we decided maybe we should reconsider that policy we have about you only going out with boys your own age.

What?

Yeah. So maybe you could go out with a guy...

A year or 2 older.

Matt told you, didn't he?

Uh...

I hate him!

See you later, honey.

Where in the hell have you been?

Oh, where's my cigarettes?

Are you sure you don't need the oxygen?

What?

What, are you trying to blow me to smithereens?

I can't smoke and use this thing at the same time.

Help me find my cigarettes, please!

Didn't you say you lost a lung?

I don't believe that's any of your business, young man.

Sorry.

I thought you smoked.

Uh, well, I, you know.

Hey, you got any on you?

What are we doing?

Shh!

Yes!

Can't we got a little faster, please?

Not without getting a ticket.

Well, I'll pay for it.

No, I can't.

I don't want to lose my license.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! There's a drugstore!

Look, I'll give you your money back, but I'm stopping to buy a lady with one lung on oxygen any cigarettes.

You hypocrite.

Did I tell you?

You told me!

Tell me!

Tell me!

Hi, daddy.

Tell him.

So.

Well, let me just ask.

Are--are congratulations in order here?

Then congratulations.

This is a-- it's a very important day.

Hey, you know what?

Maybe you and Mary and your mom should go out to dinner tomorrow night and celebrate.

Just the 3 of you.

The women...

Of the house.

My treat.

Hmm?

Dad?

Yeah?

When mom gets back, can you run to the drugstore for me?

Not a problem.

Still up here, huh?

Hey, you want to go get some ice cream?

No, thanks.

Look, maybe when you're a little older, a dog will come.

I wanted it to come today.

Simon, sometimes...

Well, we don't always get what we want.

Yeah, I know, but it would be good if I did, just this one time.

Yeah.

Go away!

Come on! Let me in!

Hey, what did you do that for?

'Cause you're a snitch!

Yeah? Well, a lot of good it did me.

Just because you can go out with older guys now, doesn't mean you can go out with my friends.

Oh, really?

-Really. -Yeah?

Yeah.

Hello.

Hi, it's Mrs. Bink.

Hey. How'd it go?

Worked like a charm.

It was the most fun I've had in years.

I'll send you the bill?

For the oxygen.

You do that, and I'll call you during the week.

Thanks.

Are you sure that this is the correct amount?

Did you add this up?

Yes, ma'am.

Dad, I quit.

Congratulations.

And I got fired.

See you in church!

Honey? Oh, hi, honey.

I don't know what came over me.

Annie, what are you doing?

I went to the pound, but I was just going to look.

The pound is not a good place just to look.

Aah. Pow, pow! Aah!

Pow! Ugh!

Uh, uh, stay right there! Don't move!

Mom!

Dad!

Come quick!

It's unbelievable!

Mom, dad, you got to come quick!

It's a miracle!

Yes!

There is a god. There is.

I--i--i told the dog we'd see, not that it was definite, ok?

Uh, I got the dog at the pound.

He didn't really wander into the yard, so-- so even though, I assure you, there is a god, he had absolutely nothing to do with this.

Of course, he did.

You think mom would have actually done this on her own?

Hi.

Feel like talking?

Sure. What's up? Would y--

no, thanks.

Well, it's your favorite.

Well, not right now.

Something wrong?

Our son is out there on the front lawn playing with a very, very cute dog.

Isn't he cute?

It's the dog we both agreed that he's too young and irresponsible to have, and I feel just a little...

Angry? Not really angry.

I wouldn't say angry.

I'm--well, maybe a little.

I completely understand.

No, don't do that. Don't completely understand.

Discuss this with me.

Ok. Ok. Let's discuss it.

It's just that I thought this was something we agreed on together.

I know, and I admit that my mistake was to go into the pound in the first place, but I just went in to check it out for the future.

I just want to know where the communication broke down.

When the guy told me the dog was going to be put down in 24 hours.

Ok. Well, just so I know.

What?

I thought we were going to play till your grandparents get here.

We are.

You coming or not?

Don't do anything stupid.

Ah, there you go.

Was that Jeff?

Yeah. He's, uh, not here for me. He's here for Mary.

Mary?

Jeff and Mary?

Did you know about this?

Oh, no, but I'm not surprised.

He--he's too old for her.

Oh, he's 16. 2 years older.

He's an old 16.

He's a nice kid.

He's not that nice.

So, look, we'll postpone our little talk with Mary, wait until this Jeff crush is over.

In about 2 weeks, she'll be interested in someone new.

Maybe you'll like him better.

Uh...

What?

I already talked to her.

I thought we were going to talk to her together.

Were we?

Ok, we were.

It's just-- I was there and she was there, and it came up.

Oh, that's great.

Let's just say we're even.

Doesn't look like you're having a problem to me.

Want to play a little one on one?

Sure.

You spying on your sister?

I'm just, uh, looking out for her.

Just as long as that's what we're doing.

That's the game.

Hey, I got to go.

And this is our room.

So don't worry if mom and dad won't let you sleep in here at first.

They will.

Does he do any tricks?

I don't know.

I can show him.

Ok.

Come here, boy. Ok.

Now, watch ruthie now. Watch.

Hi. I'm ruthie.

Ok. You ready?

Sit.

Wow! Look at that!

Ok. This one's even harder now. You ready?

Ok. Speak.

Rowf rowf! Rowf rowf!

Wow! Good boy! Good boy!

But what about me?

Yeah, ok. Good girl. Good girl.

Thank you.

Ok. Now, this one's even harder now.

Lie down.

Ok. Now, roll over.

Roll over.

That's ok. Watch.

Wow!

He's a genius!

What?

You're not a genius.

Yes, I am.

Fine, you're a genius.

Thank you.

So, uh, how'd it go?

Shut up. I saw you watching us.

You really like him?

What do you care?

He's my best friend.

So what?

Guys don't date other guys' sisters.

And why not?

Because...

Look, I just don't want you to get hurt.

Yeah, I know.

You're just in too big a hurry to get kissed.

I've waited 14 years. What do you want from me?

Just slow down a little, ok?

Give it a month.

If you still like him in 30 days, we'll talk about it.

Fine.

Really?

30 days?

What's 30 more days?

I've liked him since I was 10.

Mmm!

Hey.

Hi.

What do you think?

Matt said he'd be happy to drive to the airport and pick up your parents for us.

Ha ha ha! Oh, really?

Yeah.

Matt, who's had his driver's license for 2 months doesn't mind picking up my mother and father and taking them on a thrill ride on 3 freeways that he's never been allowed to drive on before?

No. I mean, he doesn't mind at all.

That's really funny.

Hey, look, I'd go with you, but I have to finish dinner.

Have I ever told you how much I appreciate the fact that you cook for 7 of us almost every night of the week?

Will you stop? I am not going to have sex with you while my parents are here.

Ok.

But I love you.

I know, I know.

I mean, I love you, too.

That's what I thought you meant.

Hey, so what happened with Mary and Jeff?

Hmm?

I saw you and Matt.

You know, sooner or later she's going to get kissed.

Of course, she is, but I don't think it's going to happen today.

Don't forget, dad.

No, I won't, sweetheart.

You know, I could take her after dinner, if you'd like no, no. It's the man's job to hunt and gather, even if it's just for tampons.

Oh! And for picking up parents at the airport.

Ah! Right.

What?

Where's Matt?

He's probably heading for gate 3 right about now.

What?

I didn't know that you wouldn't want him to drive to the airport. I'm sorry.

Oh, you know, you and I have got to sit down and talk about the kids and set some rules that we both agree on and then stick to them.

Ok. Maybe tonight when we go to bed.

That'll give us something to do. Yeah.

Not just tonight. For a few nights.

Oh, honey, that was just outstanding.

I don't know how you do it.

Oh, mom, it's not half as good as when you make it, but thanks.

Hey, grandpa, you think you could help me fix the speakers in the station wagon?

Again?

Why don't we just replace them?

Better yet, why not replace the whole sound system?

Why don't you put in one of those cd players?

I hadn't noticed there was anything wrong with those speakers.

Excuse me.

Why don't you and grandpa go pick out something nice and I'll pay for it.

Well, all right.

Hey, mom, it can wait.

Sure, it can, but why not do it now?

Um, Matt, could you check on Simon and ruthie for me?

I think they're out front playing with the dog.

Um, yeah, sure. Ok.

So, mom and dad, what's up?

Uh...

Well, we just didn't want to tell you over the phone.

I'd been feeling tired, and so I went for my checkup, not expecting much of anything and, uh...

And...

Janet, whatever it is, we'll get you through it.

Promise.

I'm afraid you can't.

Dear ones...

I have acute leukemia.

But they have treatments for leukemia, don't they?

Oh, Annie, honey.

Dad.

All they really offered were things that seemed very...

Severe.

But you're going to try something? Mom?

Mom, you have to.

Annie, they don't give me much hope even with treatment,

and so frankly, I'd rather not spend my time in the hospital.

I'd rather spend it with you and Eric and the kids.

Ok?

-Oh, mom. -Oh, Annie.

Mom.

Hey, girl, how you doing?

Isn't happy cute?

That's what you named her-- happy?

-I named her. -Oh.

That's 'cause I let you name her.

Hey, uh, ruthie, you want to get happy a cookie?

I think I know why happy's so happy.

Why?

Can you keep a secret?

Yeah.

I think she's going to have puppies.

Don't tell dad.

Mmm-wah!

Here, happy!

Happy!

Happy!