01x05 - Miracles

[bunniefuu]

♪

Just so you know, I had the
chicken tacos last night,

and my stomach's doing somersaults.

Uh...

But our specials look good.

We have tilapia,

which is some kind of a
greasy white fish...

... floating in cheese.

Please don't make me
carry that out here.

Now that you mention it,
that's exactly what I want.

I'm gonna go exotic tonight, Beck.

I'll have the pupusas.

Take me away to El Salvador.

Look, that's fried,

and that's covered in some
kind of chunky sauce.

I can't do that right now.

Oh, um...

You go first, Neil. I'm still looking.

Okay. Uh, I would love
the three shrimp tacos.

Pick something else.

A lot of shrimp is peeled by Thai kids

forced into sl*ve labor,

so you think you're eating scampi,

but really you're exploiting children.

I got an idea. What if I just
had one small shrimp taco,

and I feel bad about it?

Have the chile relleno.

They're really good here. They're vegan.

Yeah, I don't really like those.

No, you will.

Could you guys hurry up?

I'm riding out this wave here.

I'll have a shrimp burrito,

and I'll have Neil's shrimp tacos.

I don't know if it's those
Thai kids' sweat or tears,

but they're delicious.

Hey. I'm not buying this
food poisoning thing.

I think you're hung over.

I'm not hung over.

Hold on.

You're gonna have to eat
this way down there.

You and I are going
to a meeting tonight.

So, Neil, what do you do for a living?

Uh, I'm a preschool teacher.

Preschool, huh?

What's that, like, playing
with blocks and stuff?

[LAUGHING] Blocks and stuff?

Dan, they are so far beyond that now.

Oh, no, actually, no, blocks
are a big part of it.

Oh, well, the old ways
are still the best ways.

We try to inspire the
children's imagination

with nonspecific, gender-neutral,
tactile objects.

Why would you do that when there's TV?

Excuse me. I just gotta go tinkle.

Sorry. It's a work term.

[CHUCKLES]

- He's great, right?
- Yeah.

Does he remind you of anybody?

- Not really.
- Here's a clue,

because I want you to figure it out.

David!

What?

[LAUGHS]

No... No way.

Two entirely different people.

Wait, wait. That wasn't David?

No!

She's controlling Neil

the same way she controlled
David. [LAUGHING]

He has the same jumpy,
scared eyes as David.

Are you sure that wasn't David?

[LAUGHS]

Hey, sorry we're late.

I had to get Harris to
watch Mary and Mark.

We had to lie and tell her
she'd get money for it.

That's gonna be a fight later.

[SIGHS] Sorry.

Oh, Neil, this is my brother, D.J.,

- and his wife, Geena.
- Oh, hey.

- Hi.
- Hi.

We were just talking
about whether people

tend to date the same
types over and over.

- What do you think?
- Oh, pbht, absolutely.

For... For example, I used to have

a horribly self-destructive
thing for dominant women.

They... Ugh.

They'd push me around,
and I'd feel awful.

But I... I got over that.

By the way, I... I
really need to apologize

for that whole shrimp thing. I...

I don't know who that guy was.

Oh, I think we all know who that was.

[LAUGHS, COUGHS]

♪

♪

♪

♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Just broke up with Neil.

Ohh. How'd he take it?

Uh, he was devastated

until I told him that he wasn't.

I can't believe I was about to
make the same mistake again.

Well, it's never too late to change.

I've found that vocalizing
my feelings really helps.

Last night, I suggested that
Peter might want to get a job,

and he started packing his bags,

and I decided to vocalize

that I would do anything if he stayed,

and he stayed!

That just seems like desperation.

Mm. To the untrained eye.

[LAUGHING]

I could use a laugh. What's that?

I needed something to read, so I grabbed

the new edition of Lock 'Em Up

off the counter at the AM-PM.

Ah, nothing says "fine literature"

like the counter at the AM-PM.

No, it's a hoot.

They print the mug sh*ts
of all the arrests

in Lanford every month.

This woman shot her
mother in her garage.

She said she thought it was a weasel.

Does it say if she got away with it?

Oh, no. It doesn't matter.

I don't have a garage.

Well, the mug sh*ts are pretty,

but the real crime here is the writing.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, whoa. They're looking for a writer

with copy-editing
experience. I have that.

Yeah, but this is just
sensationalist garbage

anybody could write.

I know. I better get my
résumé together real quick.

Okay, everybody get in here.

I have news.

All right, you're never
gonna believe this,

but I wasn't nauseous at work
because I was hung over...

Dad.

I was sick because...

I'm pregnant!

Aaah!

[SCREAMING]

I can't believe it!

Ohhhh!

Your doctor gave you
less than a % chance!

I know, but I had unsafe
sex, and it worked!

[BOTH SCREAM]

You should speak at the high school.

This is a full-on miracle.

You were meant to be a mom.

The doctor said that you were
too old and too pickled...

... but God filled
that uterus with life.

He didn't say "pickled."
Darlene said that.

Oh, yeah, that was one of mine.

We got to celebrate this now,

'cause once the baby comes,

you won't get a moment's peace.

I had had to go to Afghanistan

just to get a decent night's sleep.

[LAUGHS]

Mary thought she was always gonna
be the baby of the family.

She's gonna learn what
every Conner learns...

no one is special.

Mm.

To Becky.

I think I speak for everyone when I say

we can't wait to see how this plays out.

God, I wish Mom was here.

[VOICE BREAKING] She
would be so excited.

She knows.

So, you gonna tell us? Who's the father?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa!

Privacy, people.

This is Becky's business
and nobody else.

There is a father, biologically.

I'm just not gonna tell him.

I don't need a man to raise my kid.

You know, it's not a crime for
a baby to have two parents.

It's lovely to be independent,

but not if the baby has to suffer

because you don't have
the time or the money

to take care of him properly.

I'm not trying to prove
how independent I am.

There's other reasons
I'm not telling him.

Like what?

Like it was a one-night stand.

Oh. Well, let's check the Becky board.

Number-one answer?

Ding! "One-night stand."

I'm just saying, I don't have
a relationship with the guy.

He's a stranger, and I'm not gonna have

a stranger telling me
how to raise my kid.

He's still the father.

The father has a right to know.

And you're gonna need help with money.

I got to let you go.

You can't do drywall
when you're pregnant.

Why not? Pregnant women
work all the time.

Not on construction sites.

They're dangerous and full
of all kinds of toxic stuff.

You know how many babies
I've had to let go?

And they always cry.

So you're firing me?

I really need the money.

You can come back when
you have the baby.

Wow.

I wasn't looking for support
from the baby's father,

but I thought I might get
some from my family.

Where would she get that idea?

♪

Sorry. I didn't see a receptionist.

People kept mistaking us
for The New York Times,

so I had to let her go.

Hey, I don't care how small it is.

The fact that anything's being
published in Lanford at all

is pretty sweet.

I'm here about the job.

Oh.

Nice to meet you... Darlene Conner.

Ben.

If you turn out not to be a nut,

I'll tell you my last name.

Um, "waitress at the casino," huh?

Humble brag.

Why'd you leave the job
writing ad copy in Chicago?

Oh, um, it was a combination of things.

I hated the job, they paid nothing,

and then they fired me...
that was the last straw.

Why'd they fire you?

They started using freelancers.

But it worked out because
I had to come back

to help my dad anyway.

So this job would be perfect for me,

and... and honestly, I think
I would be perfect for you

because your paper right now

is just full of a lot of dry facts,

and I think that I could really make

the arsonists and carjackers
people you want to know.

No.

People read this paper to see mug sh*ts,

find out who beat,
stabbed, or robbed who,

and if they live next door.

Oh, and if it's a relative, you know.

Everybody likes to see an
in-law get taken down.

Okay, cool, so, why don't
we take what you're doing

and use that as a jumping-off place?

Or we do what we're doing
and keep doing it.

I get it.

Go slow, don't freak the readers out...

small changes first.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Or no changes,

and then later...

no changes.

Oh, yeah. Okay. I hear you. I hear you.

Deepen the story, but just a little

until you see how much
better you like it.

Or you do it precisely as I
say, and you can keep your job.

Wait. Did you just hire me?

Yes.

Oh, and the pay sucks.

- Ah, thank you!
- Yeah.

That's your office. You
can go home at : .

Uh, I have kids.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Um, you can stay as late as you want.

♪

You know, when I first found out,

I was so excited.

But then I remembered I'm
, on my own, and broke.

Maybe your dad's right.

Maybe you could bring the
baby's father into the mix,

just to help with expenses.

- Who is it?
- I can't tell you.

All right, I get it.

The sanctity of the intimate act,

the stoic silence between lovers.

No, I mean I don't know
who the hell it is.

It's either Ramon, the manager,
or Emilio, the busboy.

O-Oh, okay.

A very mature, modern dilemma.

Like many of our most
popular romantic comedies,

but with much-needed diversity.

Well, Ramon's the manager.

Is it wrong to tell him he's the father

just because he's in a better position

to shell out a few bucks
to help with the baby?

You are a mother. You do
what's best for the baby.

Go, Ramon!

Um, Ramon?

The Sprite's low on CO .

Also, hey, I'm pregnant,
and you're the father.

I know because I haven't
been with any other men.

It's not mine.

Normal reaction.

No one feels it can happen to them.

But here we are.

And I'm sure you'll do the right thing

by helping me financially.

I had a vasectomy.

Ironically, that used
to be music to my ears.

I assume I'm working
holidays for a while.

It's the busboy.

Ohhh!

Well, think!

There's got to be somebody
else you slept with

that's got money.

[HISPANIC ACCENT] Hey. It is told to me,

um, you have my baby?

Who told you that?

Ramon.

He said it is me.

This is gonna get complicated.

Could you help me out?

The only thing I know how
to say in Spanish is "Yes."

Yeah, I figured that out.

Just tell him the truth.

_

[CHUCKLES]

_

_

_

_

_

Mm.

_

_

Oh, sí.

Oh, he wants to take care of the baby.

The rest, I'm... I don't... I...

Muchos gracias.

No baby help, por favor.

No.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[GASPS]

He's not giving up,

but first, he's going to fix the Sprite.

♪

_

_

_

_

That must be hard for you
to do this type of work.

_

_

_

_

You're a good man, Emilio.
And I can help you.

Not only am I Lanford's
leading certified life coach,

I can also teach you English.

Gracias.

_

_

Mm.

Hey, Becky.

Hey, Maria. Hey, Bridget.

Are you guys ready to order?

Yeah, two taco combos, please.

And three margaritas.

Throw in a margarita for yourself.

Are you okay?

[VOICE BREAKING] I'm
experiencing a miracle.

It's a very small gesture.

It's like $ , and they're mostly ice.

[CRIES]

I can't drink. I'm pregnant.

Becky! I'm so happy for you!

You should be happy.

We've been trying for years,

but Maria has a tilted uterus,

and I'm sh**ting blanks.

I don't know if I can afford this baby.

I just lost my second
job, the dad can't help,

and... [CRIES]

... I just...

Oh, honey, it's gonna be okay.

Thanks, guys.

Let me get you your drinks.

This might sound kind of cold,

but I want her baby.

Maria, we're not dingoes.

But Becky might be the perfect person.

I mean, we know her, she knows us.

She could even still be
involved in the baby's life.

It's good for everybody.

It's a huge decision for us
that we shouldn't take lightly.

Let me pound some margaritas,
and we'll talk about it.

♪

DARLENE: It's a little
rough, but check it out.

"Driven by years of closed doors
and systematic oppression,

Eddie Ray Garrett lunged at
the gas station cashier,

who ended Eddie's career of crime

with a full...

UNICEF can to the temple."

The title is "Give Till It Hurts."

Pretty great, right?

No!

Very great?

[GROANS]

You have overestimated

the reading level of our audience.

Okay? Uh...

- You ever seen "Frankenstein"?
- Yeah.

Okay, that's the reading
level of our audience.

And not the doctor... the creature.

I'll give you till "he
lunged at the cashier,"

but then we're out.

Okay, but let's just say

we raise the quality of the writing.

Then we get the doctor and the creature,

and we increase our ad revenue.

Look. [CLEARS THROAT]

You're clearly intelligent

and have an... obnoxious
kind of integrity.

That is dangerously
close to a compliment.

Well, you can consider
it one if you want.

It wasn't meant that way.

And you are remarkably
stubborn and self-sabotaging.

I was wondering when
you were gonna notice.

Seriously, you've built
something great here.

It's fascinating, it's macabre.

But you just haven't even started

to exploit it properly yet.

That's where I keep my paper clips.

And a dead moth, apparently.

Look, here's the thing.

The colorful writing is just the start.

There is so much more we can do here.

[SIGHS]

For example, I can
create a website for us.

That's a great way to
attract younger readers.

You know how to create a website?

I do. I can have it up and
running in two weeks.

Okay.

Here's what I'll do.

You are now the managing editor

in charge of our new
Internet Department.

And...

And you get % of all
the income you generate.

Oh. And I have complete
creative control.

Not even close. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, let's celebrate, huh?

Dinner's on me.

Desperate and hungry,

he... lunged for his phone.

[LAUGHS]

Okay.

[CHUCKLES]

Now you're just being a jerk.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, it's busy.

Well, I think I speak

for everyone in the Internet Department

when I say I think we
can go out for dinner.

What do you like?

Uh, Chinese?

I could go for some shrimp fried rice.

Um...

You probably... You
probably don't know this.

Uh, most of the shrimp we eat
isn't processed ethically,

so you don't want to get that.

Ohhh. [SNAPS FINGERS]

You're confused.

You thought I was a child,

when I'm actually a grown-ass adult.

Yeah. I-I didn't mean to push.
That's not who I am.

Oh, great.

♪

Let's go.

Hope you like 'em thick.

I just about burned out the motor.

We're gonna need spoons.

[LAUGHS]

So, when you and Mom found out

you were gonna have
me, did you freak out?

Only a little.

We didn't know how bad
you were gonna turn out.

The truth is, I remember thinking,

"Oh, my God. I got to be a grown-up now.

I got to buy life insurance,
mutual funds, save for college."

But after a couple of years,
that panic goes away.

And you just forget about that stuff.

At least you had Mom
to go through it with.

Yeah.

Two parents isn't the worst
thing in the world to have.

Just doing milkshakes now, Dad.