02x18 - Pilot Lights & Sister Fights

[bunniefuu]

Hey!

Great show.

Dan?

W-What are you doing here?

I've never seen you perform.

And you were only 212 miles away, so I thought I'd swing by.

These are for you.

[Chuckles]

Why do they have nacho cheese on them?

A-A-And they smell like beer.

After I saw you kissing the keyboard player...

I threw them in the trash.

But then I fished them out 'cause, damn it, I came here to tell you something, and maybe it's too late, but I'm gonna tell you anyway.

I'm ready.

Oh.

You're ready.

Yeah, I thought about what you said, and I want a fullon relationship, too.

So, what, I'm just supposed to forget about this last year, when you've been stringing me along, and now you're ready?

So I just jump on your bike and we ride away?

Well, I'm a little saddle sore from riding for three hours.

Maybe we could hit it fresh tomorrow?

[Sighs]

I'm sorry, Dan.

Oh, come on.

Come on, you got to still feel something for me.

It's too late.

I moved on.

Guess you'll want these back.

No, you can keep 'em.

Please don't make me.

There's a Band-Aid in here.

"The Conners" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Okay, okay, I haven't slept in a couple days.

Uh, tell me I'm not hallucinating.

That is a man racing a bear on an obstacle course, right?

Yeah, yeah.

It's a show called "Man vs. Bear."

And they... they do tug of w*r, they roll barrels up hills, climb trees.

Doesn't the bear win most of the time?

Oh, the bear wins every time. It's a bear.

I don't think the guy's got a chance unless they introduce Sudoku or driving a car.

I think circus bears can drive cars.

You can learn anything if your food supply depends on it.

[Laughs]

What are you guys doing? It's 1:00 in the morning.

Beverly Rose is teething, and she won't sleep.

[Sighs] And you were snoring, so I came downstairs.

I don't snore.

Oh.

Well, then, somebody was trimming trees in the bedroom.

Let me take her for a bit.

Thanks. Ooh.

Trust me, Darlene. You snore.

When we shared a room, I used to put my old makeup sponges in your mouth.

That's okay. I used to use your toothbrush.

So?

To clean the turtle bowl.

[Laughs]

Why didn't you wake me up?

I tried. I nudged you. I shook you. I pinched you.

I even splashed water on you.

Oh, that explains a very weird dream I was having.

I was wrestling with a sea otter, and then he threw his martini in my face.

"Woman vs. Otter"!

That could be a show!

Yes! [Laughs]

And I know where to get an otter.

All I need is a distraction and a big towel.

[Both laughing]

Okay.

Okay, I-I-I'll put a couple pillows under my head so I don't snore. Now come back to bed.

Oh, just a few more minutes, 'cause in the last round, they each have to give a cat a bath.

This is why we're not getting pregnant...

'cause your sperm's too stupid to find my egg.

Ben!

Ben, Ben!

They're about to put the salmon down in front of them for the fish-eating contest.

I think the man really has a chance here...

[Bear growls] Bear won.

Yep. [Chuckles]

♪ Last call. Nuh-unh!

It's only 2:00 in the morning. Last call's not till 4:00.

It's last call for you.

Fine. I'll take three beers and three more sh*ts.

You get one beer and o shot.

And maybe you should call your wife so she can pick you up.

I'm just staying at the hotel next door, and my wife's dead. [Clears throat]

You didn't k*ll her, did you?

No!

I'm sorry. We're right off the expressway. We got to ask.

Can I get a beer, please?

Hey!

You're with the band, aren't ya? Yeah.

What'd you think of the show?

I love Louise.

She is the lead singer.

Nobody ever loves the keyboard player.

Seems like somebody's loving the keyboard player.

I saw Louise kissing you.

And I got to be honest with you...

It really bothered me.

Oh, you're one of those guys.

I know.

It looks like she's singing directly to you, but she's just trying to remember the words.

It's not what you're thinking.

This is us.

We dated a little back in Lanford.

Yeah, I didn't have the guts to commit.

And then I gave her cheese flowers and really messed things up.

Cheese flowers?

Is that something, like, that another guy could catch?

No, nothing like that.

Look...

I just want her back.

Do you love her?

I don't know... drunk guy.

We've been friends for a long time, and this just happened, and, uh... it's got nothing to do with you.

Okay! Okay!

I get it. Backing off.

Beep, beep, beep.

Oh, do me a favor, will ya?

The next time you see her, tell her that Dan's not afraid to say it.

"I love you."

But her, not you.

I-I love her, not you.

[Grumbles]

It's you talking, but it's me saying it.

You'll do that for me, right?

No.

Aw, come on!

What's your name? Zach.

Zach, I'd do it for you.

Watch.

Marla.

Zach loves you.

Yeah, after midnight, everybody loves me.

Good luck to you, buddy.

Oh, thanks!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, I feel like you and I have made a little connection here.

It may be the beer talking, but I think I love you, too.

[Chuckles]

What are all the pills for?

They're vitamins to increase my odds of getting pregnant.

So, you're actually trying now?

You know, the world has enough kids.

The Earth can barely sustain what we've got.

What the hell, woman?

Ben and I want to have a baby together, and it's gonna be a really small one, so it's not gonna use up a lot of resources.

And we'll recycle it when we're done.

You're being really selfish.

Lay off, Harris!

I'm just saying. Adopt one, don't drop one.

Look, I'm 43.

I don't even know if I can have a baby, okay?

Get off my back.

Your old people sex is destroying the Earth!

We're not gonna be here that long, so we don't care!

Hey, you got to get dressed for the meeting.

We're gonna be late. We got to leave like right now.

I am sorry. I went to bed way too late.

Beverly Rose fell asleep in my arms.

I didn't want to move and wake her up.

Well, you could have given her to Becky.

Oh, I didn't mind. Becky needed a break.

You go on ahead. I'll meet you there.

But, hey, don't forget I am coming with you to your doctor's appointment afterwards.

You don't need to go to that. I'll fill you in later.

Just don't be late for the meeting.

We need this guy's advertising dollars.

Well, hey, it... It is an adult bookstore, so if you get there before I do, just talk about what a shame it is people don't read anymore.

There's something wrong with the hot water in the house, and I need a shower real bad because Beverly Rose threw up in my hair, and I tried running it and running it, and no hot water came out.

And if I don't get a shower and some sleep, I'm gonna eat the baby.

Nobody is eating any babies.

It is probably just the pilot light.

I'll check it.

[Sighs]

[Grunts]

Yeah. It's the pilot light.

This'll just take a second.

Now, we just turn this, hold the button down, and... it's out.

[Sighs] Alright.

So, uh... it's a little more complicated than I thought.

Uh, but as soon as I get back from the meeting with Darlene, I'll fix it. You said you could fix this!

Were you just talking out of your ass, like all men do?!

[Crying] I just want a shower!

I just want my hair to smell like pretty apples again!

Okay, okay!

Maybe I can try and fix it right now, okay?

Could just be a clogged burner.

So, I'm just gonna reach in there...

[Grunts]

Wow.

Well, that came out way too easy.

[Crying loudly]

Hey, rom-com!

I heard you rode all the way to Springfield to tell Louise you couldn't live without her.

Did you catch her at the airport before she flew to Paris to marry the wrong guy?

Why are you screaming?

Oh, a little hung over from all the celebrating, are we?

Well, I guess some people can't hold a case of beer like they used to.

Actually, I got drunk with Louise's new boyfriend.

Oh!

Dan, let me tell you something from personal experience...

Thrupples don't work.

No thrupples.

No couples.

No nothing.

She moved on.

Oh, man!

I'm sorry. Dan!

I told her I was ready to commit.

She was tired of waiting.

I'm never gonna meet anyone like her again.

Okay, look, you got your heart broken.

That sucks.

But if nothing else, you learned that you're ready to let somebody in your life now.

Maybe it won't be somebody like her.

Maybe it'll be somebody a little more, you know, your speed.

Like a lady ranch hand or... baggage handler.

I'm not looking for somebody to help me move a couch.

Okay, I'm just saying now that you're open to all the possibilities, you're gonna find somebody. [Sighs]

Jackie, you've been open to all the possibilities for 40 years.

How's that working out for you? We're not talking about me!

I'm out of my freakin' mind!

I wouldn't know the first thing about meeting someone.

Hmm. Interesting.

As Lanford's former leading life coach, I'd say the fact that you're grabbing a beer...

...when we're talking about relationships is very significant.

Oh, please!

It's hops and barley. They're grains.

You put them in a bowl, you're a health nut.

You put them in a bottle, you're running away from your feelings.

Look, I know that it can be intimidating, but there's a lot of women waiting to meet somebody like you, and we're all looking for the same thing...

Somebody who doesn't play games, somebody who's emotionally available, and most especially, somebody who doesn't wear a wedding ring.

I don't know if I can do that.

[Sighs]

Dan, taking off the ring...

It's not gonna erase all the wonderful memories that you had with Roseanne.

Your age and drinking history's gonna do that.

[Laughing]

♪

Where's Ben? I don't know. I'm watching Mark.

Well, where's Mark? I have no idea.

Could be with Ben.

Can you believe that Ben missed a meeting that he knew was important because he had to fix the water heater?

I'm so fed up with him.

He spends more time with Becky and her damn baby than he does getting our stupid magazine set up.

I know we've gone over this, and I think this is one of those times where I'm just supposed to listen.

Do you know where Ben is?

In the basement.

With Becky?

Yeah. She blew up her life, so that's where she lives now.

Hey, you're home.

You got my texts, right?

Yeah, I got 'em.

Well, I was waiting for you to text me back.

Well, I was a little busy trying to woo a porn merchant.

Can I talk to you for a sec? In private?

Sure. [Sighs]

Hey, I'm sorry I missed the meet...

Not yet. I'll get to you in a minute.

Don't be mad at Ben.

I was falling apart and had throwup in my hair, and he really came to my rescue.

Oh, yeah, I'll bet he did.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means you're watching TV with Ben in the middle of the night, then suddenly, Ben can't make it to a meeting because you have to take a shower.

And then I come downstairs, and you're brushing your hair like a mermaid in front of him.

[Tab pops]

What are you talking about?

You don't have a guy in your life, so you're trying to steal mine.

You are out of your damn mind.

Ben helped me out a little bit because I was having trouble with the baby and I needed to shower.

That's it! Is it?

Because Emilio's stuck in Mexico, and you don't have anybody to "fix your hot water heater."

Did you give Ben a little peek before you went in the shower?

It's a good thing I got some sleep, because if I hadn't, I'd knock your tiny ass across the room.

Whoa. What is going on?

You want a baby? Becky's got a baby.

You'll make a beautiful family.

You two can populate the world with a bunch of Aryan-looking giant Viking children.

Everybody's a giant to you, you nasty little munchkin!

Oh, I hope there's still hot water, [Mockingly] "because I've got puke in my hair, and if I don't take a hot shower, I'll die!"

[Door opens, closes]

[Lock clicks]

[Sighs]

Please let me in.

No. Talk to me!

I want to understand why you think I want giant babies with Becky.

I...

I want tiny, psychotic babies with you.

[Lock clicks]

[Sighs]

Tell me what's going on, Darlene.

I get why you're attracted to her.

[Laughing] What?!

Yeah, you... you love the baby.

You love Becky's middleaged, fertile womb, and you want to have a family.

Yeah, I want to have a family.

With you.

Well, maybe I can't.

[Scoffs]

Look, we haven't even been trying that long!

Okay? You just got to be positive.

Oh, fine. I'll just change my entire personality.

Oh, look at that.

The sun'll come out tomorrow, and, bam, I'm pregnant!

[Scoffs]

[Sighs]

Did something happen at the doctor?

I had an infection a while ago, and apparently, it left a bunch of scarring in one of my fallopian tubes.

Okay.

So, what does that mean?

The doctor said that getting pregnant is gonna be a long shot.

She said maybe with in vitro, but we can't afford that.

And even if we could find a way to get all that money, she said there's no guarantees.

Well, hey, even if we don't have a baby, we're gonna be fine.

Yeah, for a while.

And then in a year or two, you're still gonna want a family.

You're gonna find somebody who can have a baby, and you're gonna leave me.

I am gonna prove you wrong by being with you for the rest of your life.

And so, when you're old and on your death bed, I'm gonna gently hold your face and I'm gonna say, "Betcha feel like an idiot now."

It's not just that, though.

There's something else, and I'm pretty sure it's your fault.

I know.

[Sighs]

Why?

Because I wasn't even sure that I wanted a baby, and then you started this, and now I want one.

[Sighs] Okay? I really want one.

Oh, come here.

[Sighs]

Look, the doctor said it's still possible, right?

Okay, so... we're just gonna have to have a lot more sex.

And, uh, you know, then afterwards, we'll have to hang you upside down from the ceiling, like a bat, to increase our chances.

You just want the change that'll fall out of my pockets.

Well, I assumed you'd be naked at that point, but whatever.

Mm.

I feel bad. I unloaded all my emotional baggage on Becky.

[Scoffs] How do you think I feel as her new husband?

♪

[Indistinct talking on television]

I can take that bear.

[Knock on door]

[TV shuts off]

[Knock on door]

If you're drunk, this isn't your house!

What the hell is wrong with you?!

You see me kissing a guy, and that's who you use to tell me you love me?

I can see why you like him. He's real easy to talk to.

This is so high school.

You might as well pass me a note saying

"Do you like Dan? Check yes or no."

Well, the last time I did anything like this, I was in high school!

Well, you're a man now.

And I just drove 212 miles.

Tell me to my face!

I love you.

Well, it's no good if I tell you to say it.

I don't know how to do this.

I'm no good at any of this stuff.

I'm no good at expressing myself.

[Groans]

This was so much easier with Zach.

What happened to your ring?

[Groans]

I took it off.

That must have been hard.

It was time.

Well... you know, um... with that ring off, lots of women are gonna be coming after ya.

Including you?

Well... maybe.

You had your chance.

I would like to see what else is out there.

[Scoffs]

Have you been to a high school reunion lately?

♪

I'm going to the refrigerator to get some juice.

Doesn't mean I'm trying to have sex with Ben.

I know.

I went a little crazy and said some terrible things.

That is why I made you waffles.

Ohh!

But you really hurt my feelings.

Can I at least get some whipped cream on this?

I didn't try to k*ll you. I just called you a whore.

You can get up and get it yourself.

[Sighs]

Hey, your doctor told you you couldn't have a baby, and he was wrong.

I mean, they make mistakes all the time, right?

Of course!

All the time!

Besides, having another baby is gonna ruin your life, so it's definitely gonna happen.

You know what worked for me?

Drunk sex in a walk-in freezer.

You guys might want to try that.

And if that doesn't work, it's probably Ben, so go to Mexico and have sex with Emilio.

Well, you heard her.

If we're serious about the baby, you have to go have sex with Emilio.

Hey, he's smokin' hot.

I'm packing my bags right now