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02x23 - Be My Baby Tonight

Posted: 01/18/22 13:49
by bunniefuu
Well, G, on a scale
of one to ten

I'd say I'm about
a fiddy-three.

And that's, uh,
fully cloth-ed.

But aren't you dressed
a bit early for your date?

Um, I'm not going on a date.

I'm going on a phone call.

That's what I call safe sex.

Yes. Hello.
Mrs. Seeger?

Yes. How are you, Mrs. Seeger,
this fine afternoon?

Yes, if it's not too much
trouble might I speak

with your
lovely daughter Cynthia?

Yes. Thank you very much.

Yeah.
What's up, baby?

Yeah, this is your
suntan Superman.

Hey, uh, what do you say
the three of us

get together this weekend?

You, me,
and your red tube top?

Yeah, well, if I blow in your
ear, will you..

Uh, help me with my
geography report on Alaska?

Yeah, you see, Alaska was up
there all cold and lonely

and along comes
the United States

all warm and full of bulging
mountain ranges.

So the United States says, uh

"You know, I'm thinking
of laying a pipeline.

Are you interested?"

I'll see you Saturday night.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life
got flipped ♪

♪ Turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia,
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out, maxin'
relaxing all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're moving
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought
nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled
to the cabbie ♪

♪ Yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

[instrumental music]

♪ Shaba ♪

♪ Ba shaba ♪

♪ Homina hemina shemina ♪

♪ Shaba ♪♪

Wow, your cousin even
makes sandwiches cool.

Yeah, he's the coolest.

Except when he
wears his shower cap

and runs through
the sprinklers.

Children, I have
a special surprise.

Cookies in the shapes

of your favorite
cartoon characters.

Geoffrey, I really don't
think
Kevin and I would like--

Whoa, ho-ho-ho!

Check it out.

Elmer Fudd, and he got
little Chiclet teeth.

Yo, that's fly, G.

- Yeah, that's fly.
- Thank you.

It's good to know
those four years at Oxford

didn't go to waste.

Hey, so, Ashley, what's you and
Kev getting into this weekend?

The same thing as
every weekend.

Pizza and dad's
renting a video.

This week, it's
"The Muppets Take
Manhattan."

Ohh..

What?

You look cute.

Oh, you both look cute.

Aren't they just
the cutest little couple?

Yeah. Check it out.

Little bluebirds flying
around their heads.

Well, how about a refill
on those milks?

Thank you, Mrs. Banks.

Hilary, as a loyal Republican
and a staunch bush man

I'm warning you,
don't do this.

Oh, come on, Carlton,
you're not a bush man.

You're more like a pygmy.

Will, I'm trying to keep Hilary
from embarrassing all of us

in front of the whole
Republican Party.

Hilary, are you joining
the Republican Party?

No, I'm going to it.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's
having a pool party.

I can't decide if I got
the right suit.

Oh, darn. Now Arnold's going
to have to return his.

I kind of like it.

I do, too.
That's a good-looking hat.

It's Hilary's new
bathing suit.

When fish ride bicycles.

I better get going.

Oh, uh, Kevin

I'll see you tomorrow
to do homework.

I mean, if you want to.

Sure.
I mean, if you want to.

Sure, so, later.

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

[instrumental music]

Oh, I forgot my
notebook paper.

- Here.
- Oh, thanks.

Darn, I broke my pencil.

Oh, I have one.

Thanks.

So, what did you get
for your first question?

J. Edgar Hoover.
What did you get?

Twelve.

Aren't we doing math?

I thought we were
doing history.

My palms are sweaty.

Is your heart
beating fast, too?

Yeah. I kinda feel like you do
after the teacup ride.

You think I got the flu?

Do you want some
children's Tylenol?

No.

I think I'd feel better
if..

I could kiss you.

I'm sorry.
Is that terrible?

No.

Is it terrible that
I want to kiss you back?

Can I blow in your ear?

Why?

I don't know.
I heard Will say it.

Oh. Okay.

What's it doing?

I think it's giving me
an earache.

Wasn't doing much
for me either.

Besides..

...I like kissing better.

Um, me, too.

Hi, kids.
Having fun?

[instrumental music]

This one is so cute!

I don't want to be
cute tonight, Hilary.

I've always been cute.

I'm up to here with cute.

Ashley, talk to me.

This isn't just
about clothes, is it?

It's about something
a lot more important.

It's a bad hair day,
isn't it?

[knock on door]

Honey, have you seen
my Obsession perfume?

'Oh, baby.'

This is the perfect choice
for tonight.

Oh, I think this is the cutest
outfit you have.

Okay, I'm cute.

Can we move on now?

You remember the first boy you
had over to watch TV, Hilary?

Please! I don't remember the guy
I went out with last week.

Oh, all my babies
are growing up.

Uh-oh. I feel a little chat
coming on. See ya.

Ashley, honey, let's have
a little talk, okay?

Do we have to?

Honey, I just want to say
that
I know this is your first
time

having Kevin over without
your
father and I at home.

Now, I know your body's
going
through some changes--

Mom! Do we have to
talk about my body?

[knock on door]

- Ready, Vivian?
- Yep.

We'll talk about it later.
Okay?

- Okay.
- Okay. I love you.

I love you, too.

Just get my jacket.

Ashley, sweetheart..

Now, before Kevin comes over

I think I should have a
little
talk with you about boys.

Great, daddy.

They're all dogs.
Got it?

Have a good time,
sweetheart.

(Will)
Ow!

Ashley, you hit me in my stomach
with this thing.

Had it been Carlton, you could
have put his eye out.

Sorry, Will. I was just upset
about that stupid

outfit Hilary picked out.

If you don't like it,
why don't you say so?

Because everyone's
too busy going

"Awww.."

Yeah.

I know how you feel.

My mom still asks me
if I went boom-boom.

Will, you're the only one who
doesn't treat me like a baby.

You've been out
with lots of girls.

Yeah. This has been
an exceptional week.

No. What I mean is..

Well, I like Kevin

and, well, I know
he really likes me.

Awww..

And I-I kind of
need some advice.

Now, I know what it's like
being 13, Ashley

and I just have to say

if you want to kiss Kevin

go for it.

Uh, I've already kissed him.

Oh, no, no,
I mean on the lips.

So do I.

Will..

I need to know everything
you know about sex.

[Will screaming]

[instrumental music]

Um, look, Ashley

don't you think
sex is something

you should discuss
with Aunt Viv.

You know, like,
over a cup of general foods

international coffee?

Look, I mean, it's hard enough
for me to accept the fact

that mom and dad
even did it.

I-I don't want to talk
about it with them.

Besides, we've already discussed
all the technical stuff.

I mean, I know all about eggs,
fallopian tubes--

Am I going to have to wash your
mouth out with soap, young lady?

Oh, Will, grow up.

I'm old enough to marry
Jerry Lee Lewis.

Look, if-if mom and dad
knew about all these

weird feelings I'm starting
to have, they'd freak.

Promise not to tell them?

Alright. Alright.

But I want you to stop
having these feelings.

Look, you don't want
to be that kind of girl.

You mean the kind you like?

What is this,
the Spanish Inquisition?

Look, Will, when a girl
doesn't fool around

you never call her back.

There's a reason
for that, Ashley.

Not one I'm proud of
but there's a reason for
that.

It's 'cause there's
nothing to remember.

Now, how come it's okay for you
and not for me?

Look, it's diff..
Look, when..

Look, I-I can't answer
all these questions, Ashley.

And I thought you were the one
person who would understand.

Look, I do understand, Ashley.

And, you know,
it's just-just that..

I just need a little time
to get prepared, alright?

But I thought you knew
everything about sex.

Yeah, well..

Look, I just want to make sure

there haven't been any new
developments, you know

in the-in the last day or so.

Okay. Hey, thanks a lot
for helping me, Will.

I'm so excited.

Will you stop
talking dirty?

[instrumental music]

Hi, Will.
Is Ashley ready?

No, man!
She's only 13!

- Hi, Kevin.
- Hi, Ashley.

So you wanna go
watch some TV now?

Sure.
I mean, if you do.

Sure.

Whoa! TV, what a great idea.
Hey, come on.

Let's go into the family room
for some nice family fun.

Come on, kids, have a seat.
Let's watch some TV.

(man on TV)
'Okay, couple number two'

'where's the most unusual place'

'you ever made whoopee?'


Whoa!

Boy, that was good.

Hey, how about some music?

♪ I want to sex you up ♪♪

Enough of that filth.

I like that song.

You would.
You men disgust me!

Hey, there's my favorite cousin.

Come over here.
I want you to see this.

Hey, move over, man.

Will, I'm late
to pick up Dara.

Oh, come on. Now, wouldn't you
much rather spend time with us

playing a nice sweet game
of duck, duck, goose?

Dara can tie a slip knot
with her tongue.

Okay, who ate all
the whipped cream?

Is there no end to you people's
preoccupation with sex?

Somebody's girlfriend
got grounded again?

[laughs]

May I please speak
to the two of you

in the kitchen, right now?

[instrumental music]

It's Ashley.

Look, you can't tell
Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv.

But she asked me
to tell her about sex.

I don't know what to tell her.

I mean, she should hear it from
somebody more experienced.

Well, pardon me
for being attractive.

Look, I'm the wrong person.

I mean, I tried to tell
Carlton about sex and..

Well, you know the rest.

Look, well,
somebody has to tell her.

I mean, she won't
do anything stupid

if she has some
good solid facts.

Wrong, my hot-blooded cousin.

If you tell her about sex, she's
just gonna run out and do it.

Oh, that's ridiculous,
Carlton.

We want to expose her
to a realistic portrayal

of relationships.

I know.
We'll rent "Pretty Woman."

[instrumental music]

Well, here we are to get
information for our book report.

I'm just here to check
the place for asbestos.

This is embarrassing, Will.

Why'd you have to drag me
down here anyway?

Please, look at this face.

You think anybody's
going to believe

I have questions about sex?

Is there a John Doe

and a Joan Crawford?

I choked, okay?

Present.

Hi, I'm Ms. Rinkoff.
I'm one of the counselors here.

Right this way, please.

Shall we step into your office
and talk about asbestos?

Asbestos, huh?

Last I heard, it was called
knocking boots.

Please, have a seat.

Now, how can I help you?

Uh, by turning into
an old ugly man.

Boys, there's no reason to be
embarrassed about sex.

- Hey, we're all adults here.
- Exactly.

Everyone has questions about
their reproductive organs.

Must you be so raw?

Well, actually, it's about
my cousin, his sister.

- She's 13.
- Is she pregnant?

Hey, that's my sister
you're talking about!

I'm sorry to say it,
but that's reality.

These days, more and more
teenage girls are having sex.

They certainly don't go
to our school.

Look, we can't control
people's actions

but we can help kids
make wise choices

not stupid ones.

Here. Here's a pamphlet called
"The Truth About Sex."

- Thank you very much.
- No. Wait a minute.

And here's one about
the prevention of pregnancy

here's one about AIDS

and here's one about
dealing with your emotions.

Uh, sure a lot of stuff
to read.

Yes, I know.

That's why I really think
this is something

your parents should be
discussing

with you and your cousin.

Well, that's not likely
with Uncle Phil.

He won't let us watch
"Snow White"

'cause she lives
with seven dwarfs.

- Um, thank you. Thank you.
- Not so fast.

Now I think it's wonderful you
have information for your cousin

but what about you?

Uh, I practice abstinence.

Uh, but I think
I've got that down

and I'm ready to move on.

[instrumental music]

Will?

Hey, check it out,
black folks playing tennis.

I wonder if there's a white guy
somewhere tap-dancing.

Uh, kids,
we found these pamphlets.

Is there anything anyone here
would like to discuss?

Okay.
Who's pregnant?

Hey, not me.

Not me.

I'm going to go out on a
limb
and make that unanimous.

Aunt Viv, Uncle Phil.

Now, there's somebody
in this house

who needs to talk about sex

and it ain't one of us.

But that only leaves..

Oh, God,
tell me it's Geoffrey.

I think it's our
not-so-little girl.

Okay, kids, your father and I
need to talk alone.

Hey, look, Uncle Phil,
now, just remember

that sex is as natural
as breathing.

And I'm going to hold my breath
till I'm married.

I still remember
the night Ashley was born.

She looked like a beautiful
little black Winston Churchill.

Seems like yesterday.

Our baby's not
a baby anymore, is she?

You know, I knew it was time
to have a talk with her.

And I tried to
the other night

but I just couldn't
face the fact

that she was having
sexual feelings.

Vivian. Vivian, how could this
happen to us?

We live in a good neighborhood.
They go to good schools.

She's never even had a cavity,
for God's sake.

Vivian, times have changed
since you and I were young.

Hell, they've changed since
Hilary and Carlton were young.

Well, a man's got to do
what a man's got to do.

You pack your bags.
We are moving to Greenland.

Now this is not easy
for me either

but this is our job, honey.
We are parents.

You're right.

We can do this.

We can do it.

Hi.

I can't do it.

Can't do what, daddy?

We want to talk to you..

...about sex.

I know where babies
come from.

I took sex education.

I thought you took band.

Now, I know that
there are some feelings

you're experiencing
as a young woman.

And I just want to know,
do you have questions?

Well, a few.

And we'll do our best
to answer them for you.

Thanks. Kevin asked his mom
a question and she fainted.

Well, I guess the first thing
I'd better do then is sit down.

[instrumental music]

Dara can tie a..

- Slip knot.
- 'Slip knot.'

Dara can fit a whole orange
in her mouth.

(Will)
'Dara? In your phone book?'