04x24 - Mike's Graduation

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Oh, hi, Ma. Here,
let me help you with that.

Oh, no. You don't have to
do that, Gloria.

Oh, really, I'd like to. I'm
too nervous to stay downstairs.

I keep thinking
I'm gonna make a noise

and ruin
Michael's studying.

Me too.

That's why I left
the beds till now.

[GASPS]

Oh, I hope Archie ain't letting
his toenails grow again.

Ma, why don't you get some
new sheets, some colored ones?

They're making
great designs now.

You can get ones
with flowers all over them.

Oh, no. I asked Archie
about them.

He says
the only time

he wants to wake up
and see flowers on top of him

is when he's dead.

I wonder what it'd be like
to be rich enough to afford

beautiful matching sheets
and towels.

Oh, I guess it would be
no different from now.

We got matching sheets
and towels.

White towels
and white sheets.

Don't you ever wish you were
rich, though, Ma? Really rich?

Oh, yeah,
sometimes I do.

What would be the first thing
you'd do if you were rich, Ma?

I mean something that
you've always wanted to do.

I wanna walk into
the butcher's shop

and buy a steak without asking
"How much is it?"

I guess it's silly
to daydream, though, isn't it?

Oh, no,
it isn't, Gloria.

I bet when Mike
passes his exams

and graduates
from college,

he'll become famous
and make a lot of money.

Oh, Ma, you think
he's gonna pass?

Of course
he is.

Oh, I don't know.

He's been dreaming
about his exams at night.

Ma, it means
so much to him.

Oh, I know.
He's studying so hard.

Sometimes it hurts my head
just to watch him.

Hello there, Michael, my boy.
Hold it. Hold it. Don't talk.

I just wanna get down
this thought.

Yeah?

What is it? I'm sorry.
Gee.

I didn't want to
bother you or nothing.

I was just wondering
where your mother-in-law is.

Oh, yeah.
She's upstairs.

I'll clear the books
so she can set the table.

No, no. Hold it.
Hold it.

Don't do nothing
like that. No.

Leave all the books and papers
there. Keep on studying there.

I don't wanna
disturb that.

Don't you want
your dinner?

I don't have to have my dinner
the minute I walk in the door.

Since when?

Since you are studying
for your exams here

so as you can graduate there
in two weeks.

Listen, I know my priororities
and this is priororer.

Well, thanks
a lot, Arch.

Hmm.

You sure you're
comfortable here?

Yeah. Why?

Well, I just thought maybe you'd
like to go over to my chair

and sit and study
over there.

Huh?
Yeah.

Hey, listen, I do my best
thinking in that chair.

When I'm in that chair,
I don't know what's going on.

Well, thanks, Arch.
This is fine here.

Yeah.

Good, good.

You just keep soaking up
them words, whatever they are.

That's what a student
ought to do.

Pass them exams,
get out there in life.

♪ Doo-doo doo-doo-doo-- ♪

[HUMMING]

Huh?

You got a new home there,
Billy boy.

What are you gonna do with that?
I'm gonna hang that in my den.

What den?

The den
I'm gonna have

in your bedroom.

After you pass your exams
and graduate

and get outta here.

Can't even wait for our bedroom
to get cold, huh, Arch?

Well, listen,
you know yourself,

it's gonna take years
for that room to cool down.

Arch, why would
anybody

wanna hang a thing
like this in a house?

That there
is a trophy.

You hang trophies
in the den in the house.

It's barbaric.

No, it's a goat.

I know
what it is.

It's another example
of senseless slaughter.

It ain't
no slaughter.

Barney Hefner
got that hunting.

He k*lled it
with his M- .

Well, why doesn't he
hang it in his house?

Because he ain't got
a den in his house

like I'm gonna have a den
in my house.

And by the way, you can have
a den in your house someday

if you work
hard enough.

If I did,
I'd be embarrassed

to have this thing
staring me in the face.

Oh.

Well, you know, I could have the
other end of it stuffed for you.

You don't have to
do that, Arch.

Just give me
a portrait of yourself.

Sure. Why don't you
take a picture of this?

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Daddy, I wish you wouldn't
talk to Michael

when he is
trying to study.

I wish he wouldn't talk to me
when he's trying to study.

Hello, Archie.
All right, Edith.

Now, don't ask me
how was my day.

I wasn't going to. I was gonna
wait till the argument was over.

It's over.

Oh. How was
your day?

Never mind my day.
I got something to show you.

Look at this here.

Oh, my!

Yucky!

What is that?

What do you mean
"What is that?"

Look at the horns on him.
That there's a k*ller goat.

Where did you
get that?

Barney Hefner gave it to me
to hang in my den.

What den?

The den I'm gonna have
in your bedroom

when the meathead
checks outta here.

I think that's
absolutely repulsive.

Oh, yeah? Why?

I'm just exchanging
one deadhead for another.

Ho-ho-ho.

I don't think
I'm gonna like him

looking at me
with them big sad eyes.

They ain't
real eyes, Edith.

Them there are
glass eyes.

That wasn't fair
of Barney Hefner,

sh**ting
a blind animal.

No, no.

[TALKING INCOHERENTLY]

Honey, wake up.
No.

Michael, you're dreaming again.
No.

[SHOUTING] No!
Michael!

No!

Oh, jeez.
There he goes again.

Was that Mike
shouting again?

No, Edith. It's Dracula
collecting for the blood bank.

He must be having
another nightmare.

Oh, well, why can't he have
them things in the daytime

when people
ain't trying to sleep?

Gloria says
it's about his exams.

I think he's afraid
that he ain't gonna pass.

Oh, he ain't got
nothing to worry about.

I seen the hippies and bums
that go to that college there.

They ain't got a brain
in their heads,

and he's as smart
as any of them.

I ain't looking forward
to Mike graduating.

Listen, let him get out
and start working

so he can start paying me back
some of what he owes me

for board
and lodging here.

Archie, you wouldn't
ask him to do that, would ya?

[SARCASTICALLY]
No, no, no, no.

Listen, Edith,
you wouldn't want me

to break a promise,
would you?

No. You should never
break a promise.

That's right.

And I promised
myself

that he was gonna
pay me back every cent.

Oh, Archie, maybe
they could stay on here

for a little
longer.

No, no, no. I'm looking forward
to that den I'm gonna have.

Do you realize
I'm years of old

and I ain't never
had a den yet?

I didn't know
you wanted one that bad.

Oh, Edith,
what are you talking about?

Every man wants
a den of his own.

He can be by himself
with his stuff there.

He can have
a desk over here

and then over here,
one of them reclimbing chairs.

What are you gonna do
in your den?

Edith, you do a lot of things
in a den. You do--

Well, for instance, you take a
nap for yourself when you wanna.

Here. Hold it.
Hold it. Here.

Close your eyes.

What for?
Just close them, huh?

Just for
a little surprise here.

Oh! Ha.

All right. Now, don't
open them till I say "Open."

All right.

All right.

Okay. Open them.

Archie, you've got
a pipe.

Yeah.
Ain't that something?

That's one of the most important
things you do in a den.

You sit there
and you smoke your pipe,

you pet the dog--

We ain't got
a dog.

Ah, shut up!

Here you go,
honey.

You'll feel better if you drink
this glass of water.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, Michael,

lots of students have nightmares
about failing their exams.

But you're not
gonna fail.

It's just a dream.
I know, Gloria.

But it's always
the same dream.

I finish my exams
and I think I've done well,

straight A's, right?

So I rush home so that you and I
can celebrate in private.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah. We send out
for pizza.

Oh.

Yeah.

And then I'm waiting
for my results,

but nobody'll tell me
how I did.

So I go walking
from door to door.

And you know who answers
every door?

Archie.

Yeah. And he keeps saying
the same thing to me.

Every time I knock
on the door he says,

"Don't knock.
Give it a Polack ring."

So I say,
"What's a Polack ring?"

He says, "A dumb bell."

I tell you,
it's a nightmare.

Oh, honey, you ought to try
and get some sleep.

I can't, Gloria. You know what
the worst part of it is?

When the telephone
comes to the door.

A telephone--
Yeah.

Comes to the door?

A giant payphone,

and it tells me
that Professor Blake

wants to see me
immediately.

So I'm running
through the campus

and all of a sudden,

the sidewalks are turning
into quicksand.

Every step I take,

I'm sinking deeper and deeper
into the quicksand.

And just before
I go under,

Professor Blake,
who's hanging from a tree,

he grabs me, pulls me out
and saves my life.

Well, at least your nightmare
has a happy ending.

No! That's when
he tells me I failed!

Oh, honey,
come on.

Get under
the blankets here.

Now, try.
Try to get some sleep.

I can't, Gloria. I'll just have
that nightmare all over again.

Try!

I can't!
It's impossible!

Well, all right,
honey.

Then as long as you're up,
I wanna talk to you

about something
that's really been worrying me.

You see, I'm gonna keep working
until you get a job

and, well, maybe even
after that,

and I don't know
if I'm gonna be able to work

and keep house
all at the same time.

I've been worried about this
for a long time.

I just didn't know
how to bring it up

and talk to you
about it, honey.

What if I can't keep house
and work at the same time?

I'm afraid
I might fail you.

[SNORES]

[FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS]

Hi, honey.
It's a beautiful morning.

Why don't we
get outta the house?

No, no, no, Gloria. I can't.
The mail hasn't come yet.

It's been two weeks
since the exams.

The results
are due today.

I made some coffee and I've got
some nice fresh doughnuts.

Maybe a doughnut will
take your mind off the exams.

No, it won't,
Ma.

It'll just remind me
of what I'm gonna get.

A zero.

Ohhh.
Well, let's see.

Maybe if I took
two doughnuts

and put a Twinkie
in front of them,

it would
look like .

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Ah, that's him!

That's him!
That's the mailman! He's here.

He's bringing it
special delivery.

Oh, it's only you,
Irene.

Isn't it wonderful
to be popular?

I'm sorry.
Come on in.

EDITH:
Hello, Irene.

GLORIA: You'll have to
forgive Michael.

He's waiting for
his exam results to come.

Still
no news?

No!
Ohh.

Would you like
some coffee, Irene?

Oh, no, thank you. I just
came to give you this envelope.

I'm collecting
for Charities United.

Oh, I'll get you
some money right away.

You don't have to give it
to me right this minute.

I can come back next week.

Oh, no, I better
give it to you now.

Yeah, before Archie gets home
and says he gave at the office.

I gather Archie
doesn't believe in charities.

No, no. He believes
in them.

He just thinks that they
should be self-supporting.

Here you are.
Oh, thank you, Edith.

Hey, hey!
Shush, shush, shush!

I think I hear the mailman.
I think I hear him.

That's him. I think I hear him.

That was him. He was just here.
He left the mail.

The mail's in the mailbox.
Go, Gloria, get the mail.

What?
Please!

Get the mail
from the mailbox!

Mike, I bet you're
gonna get all A's.

Ma, what are you
trying to do, jinx me?

Relax, Mike.

Like Frank always says,
"Que sera, sera."

That's right.

If at first you don't succeed,
try, try again.

Here, honey.

Here's the mail.

Here's the mail.
Open the mail.

No. Michael, I think
you should open it.

Gloria, please,
just open the mail

and don't tell me unless
it's good news, please.

Oh, God!

It isn't here.

It isn't here?
What do you mean, it isn't here?

It isn't here.

That's it,
they're torturing me.

You see? Two weeks, I've been
waiting for these results.

By the time
I get the results,

I'll be in the middle
of a nervous breakdown.

That's what happens,
you know.

Some guys jump off bridges,
commit su1c1de.

But, Mike, they really
regret it later.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]
I'll get it.

t*rture. It's the
Chinese water t*rture.

Two weeks, I'm waiting here.

GLORIA:
Just a minute, please.

Michael, it's Professor Blake!

It's Professor Blake.
It's Professor Blake.

Professor--
Professor Blake.

Hello, professor.

Yeah, this is Michael Stivic.

No, no, I was just sitting
around the house, relaxing,

having a few laughs,
ha, ha, ha, ha.

What?

Uh, yeah, sure,
I could do that right away.

Yeah. All right. Goodbye.

Well, what did
he want?

He wants me
to come see him.

Now?
Right now.

This is it,
my dream come true.

Oh, that's nice,
Mike.

Nice?

I failed!

Did he say that?
No, he didn't say that.

But why else would he
want me to come to see him?

Honey, it's just a coincidence.
Dreams don't come true.

Good dreams
don't come true.

This dream is
coming true right now!

Wait for me.
I'll come with you.

Good. You can help
pull me out of the quicksand.

Good luck,
Mike.

Oh, yeah.
Bye.

Oh, I gotta
get home.

Oh, Irene, please,
stay for a minute.

Sit down here
and have some coffee.

Oh, okay.
Just for a minute, though.

Irene, you're a good Catholic.

Do you think God listens
every time you talk to him?

I hope so. I've asked
for some heavy favors lately.

I hope he ain't
listening every time.

Why?

Maybe he'd be like
my grandfather was.

He used to sit there
nodding and smiling

when you was
talking to him,

and all the time he had
his hearing aid turned off.

I don't think God
needs a hearing aid.

Well, maybe sometimes
he's asleep

and don't know
you're talking to him.

Even God must have to
sleep sometime.

I mean, he's only human.

Edith, what is it?

What's bothering you?

If Mike fails his exams,

I think it might be
because of a prayer God heard.

You prayed for Mike to fail?

Well, I didn't mean to,
but maybe I did.

You see, when Mike graduates,

he and Gloria are moving
into their own apartment

and I've been praying
that they would stay here.

That's not the same as praying
for Mike to fail.

Yeah. But maybe God
couldn't fix it no other way.

You've gotta stop
feeling guilty.

I'm sure God knows
exactly what you mean.

It's a terrible feeling,
Irene,

to want something good
for yourself

and something good
for somebody else,

but you don't want
your something good

to make their
something good bad

or even their
something good

to make your something good
vice versa.

You see what I mean? I'm sure
God understood that perfectly.

I'll see you later, Edith.

Oh, all right.

Thanks, Irene.
Goodbye.

Goodbye, dear.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Coming.

Hello?

Lucille? There ain't
no Lucille here.

No, Joe ain't here either.

I don't know.
Maybe he's out with Lucille.

I think you got
the wrong number.

Oh, no, I couldn't.

Archie says I should never
give out our phone number.

What number did you want?

That's very close!

Every number is the same
except one.

Why don't you try again? I'm
sure you'd do better next time.

Bye.
[DOORBELL RINGING]

Coming!

Edith, this is
from Mike's college.

The mailman left it
in our mailbox by mistake.

Oh, it must be
the results.

Oh, I'm dying to know
what he got.

Why don't you open it up
and find out, huh?

Oh, I couldn't do that.

Certainly you could do that.

No, Archie,
I can't open it.

They're Mike's marks
and they're private.

Give it to me.
I'll open it.

But they're private.

No, they ain't private,
they're public.

That's a public college
he goes to, ain't it?

I support that college
with my tax money,

same as I do the armed forces
and the garbage.

I got a right as a taxpayer

to know what goes on
with that money.

That's in
the Constitution, Edith.

Ain't you ever heard of "No
taxation without regimentation"?

I still don't think
it's right.

Oh, leave it to me,
will you?

Oh, look at this. The way
they send things nowadays.

Here's nearly a whole half
a flap that ain't pasted down.

They didn't
do it right.

I mean, a person could
put a finger in there,

I mean, even by mistake,
and look what happens.

Imagine them sending things
through the mail like that.

Anything could get lost.

Just check and see
if everything's in here.

Yeah. Well,
everything's in here.

Oh, that's good.

Well, as long as
it's open...

Huh?

Let's see here.

"Dear sir,
You have passed

all of your courses
and met require--"

Look at that, huh?
He passed!

Mike passed?

That's right,
the meathead graduated.

He's getting
the hell out of here.

Oh, that's wonderful.

"Wonderful" is right, Edith.

Well, if it's wonderful,

what's that look on
your face for there?

Ain't you happy?

Yeah, I'm very happy
for Mike.

You're happy for Mike?
What about happy for me?

You happy for me, Edith?
Whoop-de-do.

Whoop-de-do. Whoop-de-do.
Whoop-de-do. Whoop-de-do.

Where are
you going?

I'll be right
back downstairs.

I'm just going
up here for a minute.

Hey, Ma,
Michael passed!

I passed!

I know.
What?

I mean, congratulations, Mike.

I'm very happy for you.

Oh, thanks, Ma.
A little celebration.

I brought some pizza, ice cream
and a little bubbly.

You got champagne?

No, no.
Bromo Seltzer for after.

I'm kidding! I'm having fun.
I passed!

Where's Daddy?

He went upstairs. I guess the
excitement was too much for him.

What excitement?

[HUMMING]

Good evening to one and all.

Archie,
look at you.

Huh? Pretty spiffy,
huh, Edith?

Hey, what do I
remind you of?

Let me see.
Give me a hint.

Uh, My Fair Lady.

Audrey Hepburn?

No, no.
The man in the picture.

The other guy,
that sang that, er,

"I Got Accustomed to
First Base," or whatever.

Tex Harrison.

Oh, yeah.

Archie, I gave you this sweater
six years ago for Christmas.

I didn't think you liked it
because you never wore it.

Daddy, don't you wanna
hear about Michael?

I know all about it.
He passed. He's graduated.

How did you know that?

Well, after all,
you've been

living with me
for four years.

Some brains must've
rubbed off on you, huh?

Ma, Daddy,
I bet you'll never guess

why Professor Blake
wanted to talk to Michael.

He told--

No, Michael, put down the pizza.
Come here. Tell them yourself.

Professor Blake said
that my grades were so good

that I graduated in the top
percent of my class.

Hey, hey, Edith.
Did you hear that?

The boy's grades
are tops there.

He can walk out of college,
that means,

and go into any position
he wants.

He said I could get
a fellowship.

Take it, take it.
What's that, an out-of-town job?

No, no, no, Daddy.

Michael's gonna
stay on at school here

and get his
master's degree.

He's staying on at school?

Yep. For another year.

You're staying on at school?

That means you don't have to
leave home after all.

Staying at school?

Yeah, Arch, you see,

with a bachelor's degree, it
doesn't mean anything anymore.

To get anywhere nowadays,
you have to have a master's.

School?

I'm so happy
for you, Mike.

Aren't you happy,
Archie?

He's staying on at school?

Yeah, Daddy. That's what
a fellowship means.

Oh, that's what
a fellowship means.

He's staying on at school!
That's a fellowship, huh?

Oh, a fellowship, huh?

A fellowship.

Well, I think I know
what I better do.

I better go out
on Long Island

and get myself a fellowship
in the funny farm.

I'll be acting like Crazy Louie,
living in the past.

"The Japs are coming!
The Japs are coming!

[YELLING]

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.