04x12 - Second Honeymoon

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Hi, Mike.
Hi, honey.

Hi. Where you been?

Out shopping
for a trousseau.

Oh, yeah?
Who's getting married?

Nobody. But someone's
going on a honeymoon.

That's the way to do it,

skip the ceremony
and get right to the essentials.

No, Mike,
that ain't it.

Ma, he's gonna find out pretty
soon anyway. Can I tell him now?

Well, all right. But you gotta
promise not to tell Archie.

Okay.

Ma's going on
a second honeymoon.

With who?

Michael!

Well, you told me not to tell
Archie. I figured, hey, hey!

No, Mike!

See, I wanna keep it
a secret and surprise him

so I ain't telling him
till the night before we leave.

Where are
you going?

The Hotel Atlantic City
in Atlantic City.

It's the same place we spent our
first honeymoon years ago.

Isn't that a great way to
celebrate a th anniversary?

Yeah, that's
very romantic, Ma.

What made you think
of a second honeymoon?

I was in
the dentist's office

reading this article
in Cosmopolitan magazine,

"Ten Modern Ways to Keep
Your Marriage Fresh."

Well, the first nine ways were
a little too fresh for Archie.

But the last one said,

"Go on a second honeymoon
and feel like a newlywed again,"

and that's what
we're gonna do.

Honey, wouldn't you like to
go on a second honeymoon?

No.

Why not?

I'm not through
with my first one yet.

ALL: Ohhh!

Mike, while we was gone,

was there a phone call
or a telegram for me?

No, Ma.

Oh, my, the hotel said

they'd let me know

if they could give us the same
room we had years ago.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Maybe that's the telegram!

I got the idea of the same room

from watching the movie
Plaza Suite.

Oh, hi, Louise.

Hello, honeymoon girl.
Oh!

Hi, there.
Hi, Louise.

Will this be
all right for you?

Oh, Louise, that's beautiful
and it's so light.

It's airplane luggage.

Oh, my.

Oh, but don't worry, Edith,
you can take it on the bus.

That's good.

Mike, would you take this
upstairs to your room?

If Archie sees it,
he may catch on.

Oh, sure, Ma.

Oh, and, Ma, I'd better hide
your new negligee

because if Daddy sees it,
he'll go wild.

You mean, you haven't
told Archie yet?

Oh, no. I ain't gonna tell him
till the last minute.

I wanna surprise him.

Well, the last time
we went away on a weekend,

my husband surprised me.

George and his
practical jokes.

What did he do?

He signed the hotel register
"Mr. and Mrs. George Wallace."

Well, Archie was very nice
on our honeymoon.

He was
the perfect gentleman.

Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that.

Better luck this time.
Oh!

[LAUGHING LOUDLY]

What's with her,
she hit on a number?

No, Archie,
she's just happy.

Yeah?

Well, how come she's so happy
in the middle of the week?

I certainly
ain't happy

and I got a bone to pick
with that son of hers, Lionel.

What happened?

I wanted to go
to the Knicks-Lakers game

but I couldn't get off work
to buy a ticket.

I says to Lionel,
"I'll give you bucks

"if you go into
Madison Square Garden,

stand on line
for a ticket."

That was two days ago. I ain't
seen hide nor hair of him since.

[PHONE RINGING]
I'll get it.

I'll get it!
I'll get it!

Go get it!

EDITH: Hello?

Yes, this is her.

Oh, would you hold on
a minute, please?

Archie, this is a personal call.

What, for me?

No. For me.

Oh, really?

Do you mind?

Why should I mind?
Answer the phone.

I mean, do you mind
leaving the room, please?

I know you ain't talking to me!

Archie, this is private.

Hold it there.

This happens to be my house,
my living room.

That's my
telephone there.

I'm in on all the privates
in this house.

Hello?

Um, there's someone here
in this room

who ain't supposed to hear
what I'm gonna say.

So you talk and I'll go,
"Mm-hm," or "Mm-mm."

Yeah. Yeah.

Go ahead.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm! Oh, thank you!
Yeah. Goodbye.

What was that
all about?

[DOORBELL RINGING]
Oh, I'll get it, I'll get it.

I'll get it!
Get it!

Oh, hi, Lionel.
Hi, Mrs. Bunker.

Where you been
for the last two days?

I came to tell you
about the tickets.

You didn't get it?

No. I got it for you.

You got the ticket!
Oh, whoop-de-do.

Lionel, I could kiss you.

This I gotta see.

Shut up, huh?

What's going on?

There, a ticket to
the Lakers-Knicks game.

There. Eat your
heart out, Meathead.

Oh, and, Lionel,

here's that $
we was talking about.

Buy yourself
something there.

Hey, wait, wait.
Didn't you say $ ?

Well, let's wait and see
if the game is any good, huh?

Hey, this game
is next Sunday.

Next Sunday?
Oh, no, Archie, you can't go!

Why not?

Next Sunday is our
th anniversary, remember?

Oh, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

Oh, jeez, I'm sorry, Edith,
I forgot all about it.

Don't worry, don't worry.
I'll make good. Don't worry.

Hey, Lionel, come here.

You see the way this is,
I'm in a corner here.

You know, th anniversary,

that's one of the biggies.

I don't feel I can
leave Edith alone.

You understand
what I mean?

I know what you mean.
You want me to sell the ticket.

No! I want you to get
another ticket for Edith.

Archie, I don't
wanna go.

You're going!

No. It's impossible,
Mr. Bunker.

There's not another ticket
around. They're all sold out.

Then I gotta
go by myself.

Well, you heard me trying there,
didn't you, with Lionel?

Here, Lionel,
thanks very much.

Thanks for all you've
done for me, really.

That's all right,
Mr. Bunker.

Hey, listen, is it really
your th anniversary?

Twenty-fifth, Lionel.

You know this bucks
you gave me?

Yeah?

Buy yourself
something.

What does he expect me to buy
with bucks?

Archie, please
don't go to the game.

I was planning for us
to be together.

We're gonna be together,
Edith, after the game.

I'll come home,
I'll pick you up,

I'll maybe take you out
for a pizza,

a glass of wine
or something.

But it's
our anniversary!

I know it's
our anniversary.

Our anniversary. That's
a fifty-fifty proposition.

What do you wanna do,
spoil my half?

I think you'd better
tell him the surprise now.

Oh, yeah.

I wanted to keep it a secret
till next week, Archie.

Does room
mean anything to you?

It's a TV show,
ain't it?

No!

Don't you remember
the Hotel Atlantic City?

Oh, yeah.
What a fleabag.

No, Archie.
It was lovely.

That's where we spent
our honeymoon.

Ah.
Remember?

And I've reserved the same room
for next weekend.

We're going on
our second honeymoon.

Oh, no,
we ain't, Edie.

You reserved that room,
you just unreserve it.

I got money invested
in this ticket.

What, Arch, $ . ?

Ma, how much is that hotel
reservation gonna cost?

Sixty-two dollars.

Sixty-two dollars?

Where did you get
that kind of money?

I saved a little bit every week
from the house money.

Oh, well, Edith,
I'm sorry.

You just better go
get that money back.

Oh, but, Archie,
I can't.

It's what they call
a guaranteed reservation.

But you can get that money back
on that ticket easy.

Sure I can,
because the whole world

wants to go
to the basketball game.

Who the hell wants to
go to that rotten hotel?

Arch, that's the whole point.

You got a ticket worth $ .
that you can easily get back,

but you've got $ invested
in the hotel reservation

that you can't get back.

Well, I'll show you
the kind of man I am.

I'll take the loss
and go to the game.

Oh, no, Archie.

You can take your loss,
but I ain't gonna take mine.

You can go to
a basketball game any day,

but your th anniversary
comes once in a lifetime.

We're going to
Atlantic City.

All right, Meathead.

Looks like you're going
to a basketball game.

And me-- Hm-hm.

I guess I'm going on
a second honeymoon with Edie.

Oh, Archie!

Thank you.

Here they come, Michael.
Get the rice.

Yeah, yeah.
Here you are, here you are.

[BOTH SINGING WEDDING MARCH]

♪ Daaa, da-da-da ♪

♪ Daaa da-da-da ♪

[LAUGHING]

All right!
Enough of that!

Cut it out!
I said cut it out.

Come on, Arch!
Cut it out!

It's a fertility rite to make
sure you have lots of children.

Oh, shut up, will you?

You're supposed to do that
outside of a church,

not in the middle of the house.

MICHAEL: Why?

It gets all over the floor,
that's why.

Don't worry, Daddy,
we can clean it up in a hurry.

It's Minute Rice.

Come on, Edie, come on.
Pick up your suitcase.

Oh.

So long, Arch.
Goodbye.

Have a nice honeymoon.
So long, Ma.

Have a good time.

You know, I don't know
why anybody would want

to go to Atlantic City
this time of year.

Honey, it's not where you go,
it's who you go with.

Poor Ma. That's two
strikes against her.

Here we are, folks.
Come right on in.

Archie!

The first time
we were here,

you carried me
across the threshold.

Get in here.

Oh, my! It's even prettier
than last time.

Last time?

Yeah, we was here
years ago.

Ah, it's nice to have
steady customers.

Here's your key, sir.

If you need anything,

just pick up the phone
and ask for Albert.

I hope you have
a very pleasant stay.

Yeah, thank you.
Good night.

Let me take care of--
Oh, no, sir.

Our customers usually take care
of us at checkout time.

Oh, yeah.
Good night.

Yeah, checkout time.

It'll probably cost me more.

Well, I gotta hand it
to you, Edie.

The hotel certainly has
come up in the world.

Oh, yes!

Been all redecorated
and everything.

Well, I wasn't talking about
the redecoration.

I was talking about the help,
you know?

Notice all the high-tone
coloreds here?

That's what it takes
for service.

You know, that's what
k*lled the railroads.

They run out of all them
high-tone coloreds.

And after that, you couldn't
get a decent pancake no more.

I hope they think
we're high-tone whites.

Well, Archie!

Well, what?

I can't get over it!
We're really here.

Being as here is where
we was headed, Edith.

I don't see no miracle there.

What do you wanna do first?

Oh, look at this.

The Three Stooges
are on The Late Show.

Oh!

Oh, no!

Now, take it easy.

You don't like that,
we watch Johnny Carson.

Archie, we can watch TV
at home.

We're on our honeymoon!

Oh, now, listen.
Now, listen. Hey.

Take it easy
with that stuff, huh?

Come on, will you?

A honeymoon is for kids, Edie.

It's not for
older people like you.

Archie, for your information,

I'm at the prime of my life

and at the height
of my sexual attractiveness.

I can't believe this.

Well, I didn't either

until I read it
in Cosmopolitan magazine.

Don't believe everything
you read, huh?

No, Archie!

Why don't we do what we did
on our first honeymoon?

What do you expect me to be?
Like the light switch?

Don't you remember?

We sat by the window
and listened to the ocean

and talked about our future and
all the things we was gonna do.

I know, but we done
all them things, Edith.

What's left to talk about?

Well, if we done them,
then they're memories,

and they're even nicer
to talk about.

Come on and sit down
with me.

Don't push me around
like a broom!

Ooh!

Wait a minute.

Oh, look, Archie!

It's still there!
The Atlantic Ocean!

Oh, yes.

Well, I hope you can
remember something.

I can't think of nothing.

I was just remembering

how funny I felt the first time
we was alone together

in this room.

Well, it's only
natural, Edie.

A young girl
on her wedding night

is bound to be
a little scared, nervous.

I wasn't scared.

No, that was
because of me.

Because I was kind and, uh--

What do you call it?
Considerate.

And sick.

Don't you remember? You had
a terrible upset stomach.

Well I always get
an upset stomach

when I take a bus to Jersey.

Archie,

have you been happy
with me?

Well, certainly I've been happy
with you, Edith. Jeez.

Of course, it took
a little getting used to.

I had to tell you a lot of
little things, you remember?

Oh, yeah. I know.

Like, for instance, not to shake
a beer can like tomato juice.

In the first three days
of our marriage,

I was drenched
to the waist.

What about you, Edith?
Have you been happy with me?

Oh, yeah, Archie.

Yeah?

You mean, no complaints
or nothing?

Oh, no. Nothing.

Come on, now, Edith.

I know I'm pretty good
but nobody's perfect.

Oh, that's right.
Everybody has some faults.

Yes.

What faults?

Mmm, nothing. Nothing. Just...

Come on! What? What?

Well, like right now, you've got
kind of a quick temper.

But that ain't my fault.

World w*r II
done that to me!

But you're a good husband
and a good father.

Remember when Gloria
had the measles

and she had that high fever?

You came home and sat up
with her all night long.

You didn't get any sleep
for two days.

ARCHIE:
Yeah.

And then when the fever broke,

I remember we went down in
the kitchen for a cup of coffee.

The look on your face!

I ain't never seen you happier
in my life.

Well, that's probably
because it was the first time

you gave me
a good cup of coffee.

Archie.

Ooh, my, look
at the time.

It's : .
Let's go to bed, Archie.

I want everything
to be just the same

as it was on our
first honeymoon.

I'll be right back!
Alrighty.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Who's that?
ALBERT: Albert, sir.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Albert.

I'm opening the door
for you, Albert.

Hey, what's all this?

The basket of fruit

is compliments of
Mr. Stephens, the manager.

And the bottle of
champagne was ordered

to be delivered
to your room.

Oh, yeah?
And what about you?

Well, there's a card
on the bottle, sir.

Oh.

Good night.
Yeah, good night.

Wait a minute.
Let me take care of you.

Oh, no, no, no.
Checkout time.

Got a feeling Albert's going
to cost me an arm and a leg.

Let's see what the card
says here.

"To the happy couple.

"We hope this adds a little
sparkle to your honeymoon.

Love, Mike and Gloria."

I see the meathead
puts his name first.

And I bet it was Gloria's idea.

So what have we got here?
New York champagne.

Hmm.

Well, that's a phony label.

They don't grow raisins
in New York.

There.

Here we are. Good old bubbles.

[POPS]

EDITH:
Oh!

Archie!

It's champagne!

Come on out, Edie.
It's a surprise out here!

EDITH:
What surprise?

The kids! The kids. They sent
us a bottle of champagne.

EDITH:
Oh, ain't that sweet?

Well, come on out, now,
and get some.

EDITH:
I'm coming!

[ARCHIE CLEARS THROAT]

Here I am.

Gee, Edie.

You know, you look
kind of pretty standing there.

Is that the same dress
you was wearing

when I first seen you
come through that bathroom door?

Oh, no, Archie, I just got this
at Bloomingdale's.

Gee, that's funny.

You look just like you did
years ago.

Thank you, Archie!

Come on. Come on!

Let's k*ll this bottle
of champagne, hey?

Uh-huh.
Wait!

I'm going to
make a toast.

Thank you for a wonderful
years.

Wow, Edith.
Thank you too.

After all, I couldn't have
did it without you.

[BURPS]

Come on!
Give me that. Uh-uh.

Ahh.

Well, Edith.

Well, what?

Well, this.

Edith, come on, I've pushed
the button for the elevator.

Yeah, I'm ready.

We've got minutes for the
bus. We're going to be late.

Can I help you
with anything, sir?

Oh, that's all right, Albert.
I think I can handle it.

Oh, I'll handle it.
It's checkout time.

I knew this was going
to cost me, Edith.

Look, all I got is paper.
Have you got three quarters?

Hurry up.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.