04x03 - Edith Finds an Old Man

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Come on in, Mr., uh...

Uh, Quigley.

Oh, Mr. Quigley.
Yes.

Now, don't feel nervous
about being in a strange place.

Oh, I can't wait for you
to meet my family.

Put your suitcase down.
And give me your coat.

Oh, that'll be all right.

Oh, no, you don't want to
get overheated and catch cold.

Well, all right.

What nice pajamas.

Would you believe
they're years old?

My daughter gave them to me
on my st birthday.

Eleven years.
That makes you...

Old.

Oh, my! You look
younger than .

You should see me after I slap
on the old aftershave lotion

and the alcohol
tightens everything up.

Ooh.

Now, you come right over here.
There's the phone.

You make your call while I put
these groceries in the kitchen.

[FOOTSTEPS
COMING DOWN STAIRS]

Who, uh...?

My daughter.
I'm calling her up.

Oh.

Oh, hi, Mike.
I see you met Mr. Quigley.

Yeah, almost.

Mr. Quigley, this is
my son-in-law, Mike.

Oh, hi, sonny.
Hi.

Let me tell you something
about daughters.

You can lead them to water,

but you can't make them pick up
the phone when they ain't home.

Why don't you sit down over here
while you wait,

and you can
call her later.

Oh, she don't want
to hear from me anyway.

Oh, I'm sure
you're wrong.

Now, you sit there,
and I'll get you

a nice cup of coffee.

Uh, yeah,
I'll help you, Ma.

[SIGHS]

Michael!

He's in the kitchen.

Anybody ever tell you
you're cute?

Yes, but...

Mike your husband?

Oh, yes, but--

Let me tell you
something about men.

A lot of them do pretty well
with the women.

But the iceman
always has his pick.

[LAUGHING
UNCOMFORTABLY]

Ma!

She's in the kitchen too.

Thank you.

Ma!

Wait a second.
Wait a second.

Who's that man
out in the living room?

Gloria, I'm getting the story
right now.

Michael,
there's a strange--

I'll tell you
all I know so far.

His name is Quigley.

Ma found him walking
around in his pajamas.

He was gonna take a nap.

Michael, that doesn't
make any sense.

It does
if you talk to Ma.

Ma, what was
that old man doing

wearing his pajamas
in the street?

Walking up and down.

See, doesn't that
make sense?

Ma?

See, when he
sneaked away

from the
old folks' home,

he made believe
he was taking a nap

so they wouldn't notice
he was running away.

But-- Ma!

Then how did
you meet him?

Through the window
at Ferguson's Market.

You can see through the window
at Ferguson's Market.

But, Ma, what--?

Well, you see, the woman in
front of me on the checkout line

was arguing that her -cent
coupon from yesterday's paper

was still good today

because she was busy
with the children yesterday

and she didn't get a chance
to read the paper, it turns out.

She turned to me,
and she says,

"Don't you think
I should have cents off?"

And I just smiled
and looked out the window

and then I saw Mr. Quigley
pass by.

I don't know why you can't
follow a simple story.

Ma, is that
the whole story?

No!

When I finally
got out of the market,

there was Mr. Quigley again,
looking lost,

so I asked him
if he needed help.

Oh, so you invited him
to stay here.

Yeah, until he gets in touch
with his daughter.

Excuse me.

Mr. Quigley,
your coffee's ready.

Oh, thank you.

You know,
I had a wife once.

She'd never open her mouth till
after that first cup of coffee.

And you know
what I used to do?

No, what?

I used to hide the coffee
on her.

Hey, Edith.

Edith!

Oh, Archie,
I'm so glad you're home!

Ohh, what a lousy day
I had.

I got something
to tell you.

I'm talking, Edith.
Didn't you hear me?

I said, "Oh, what
a lousy day I had."

I wanna tell you,
I'm just wore out.

You know, I ain't as young
as I used to be.

Oh, yeah, I know.

What do you mean,
you know?

You ain't supposed
to agree with that.

I'm sorry, Archie.

Can I tell you
my surprise now?

You know,
I think I can guess.

Oh, you mean
like Twenty Questions?

I think I could do it
in three.

Is it littler
than a breadbox?

No.

Is it bigger
than a breadbox?

Yes.

Then it can only
be one thing.

An old man in pajamas
munching on a cookie.

Archie!
How did you know that?

He's standing
over there!

Oh!

I'll bet you knew it
all the time.

Mr. Quigley,
this is my husband, Archie.

Hi, sonny.

Glad to know you there, pop.
Uh, Edith...

Get over here.

Excuse me.
Why don't you sit down?

What did you do, bring
an old man home to take a nap?

Oh, no, Archie. I brought him in
so he could make a phone call.

You see,
he called his daughter

so she could
come and pick him up,

but she wasn't home,
so he's gonna call her later on.

I don't follow you, Edith.

You take some man
out of bed

to bring him to my house
to call his daughter?

No, you see,
it all started--

Edith, all right.
All right.

All right, Edith,
I'll find out myself.

I'd like to get the story
before the first of the month.

Uh, excuse me there,
pop.

Uh, you mind
if I ask you something?

No, sh**t.

Uh, how come you're all dressed
for beddy-byes?

Well, at my age
you never know

when a nap's
gonna come over you.

To tell you the truth, I was
wearing these when I broke out.

When you broke out?

Mr. Quigley ran away from
an old folks' retirement home.

Why did you do that?

You ever been in
an old folks' home?

Yeah, I used to visit
my Uncle Roy in one of them.

It was pretty soft there.

He had three squares a day,
all the television he wanted,

bingo every Tuesday.

Suppose you don't want to
play bingo every Tuesday.

You mean, they force you
to play bingo?

Will you shut up?

They force you
to play bingo?

Of course not.

Well, what's the matter
with the home?

You see that wart?

The wart? Yeah.

You know what it's good for?
No.

Nothing.

And that's how you feel

when you're in
an old folks' home.

Good-for-nothing
and useless.

Well, now, listen. I mean,
if you don't like the home...

After all,
it's a free country.

Why don't you just leave
and get a place of your own?

You ever try
finding an apartment

when all you got
to live on

is bucks a month
Social Security?

You'll see.

How long have you got
before you'll be ?

Oh, I got
plenty of time there.

I ain't been
thinking about that.

Why don't you
make your phone call?

Ma, this cash register slip
can't be right.

You spent over $ on
two little bags of groceries?

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, no, that cash register
must have been on the blink.

Let me check it
for you.

That's right. $ . .

Oh, come on there.

Nobody can add up a list
that fast.

Let me see the tape here.

I'll tell you
what this is here.

Check into that, Meathead.

What are you so
surprised about, Daddy?

There are plenty of people
who can add fast.

All right,
but not at his age.

I mean, at this age, yeah,
your head don't click like that.

What about Sam Ervin?
His head's clicking pretty good.

That ain't his head.
It's only his eyebrows.

He's right, Arch.
It checks out.

Ain't that wonderful?

Well, if you're so good
at figures

how come you ain't
still working?

It wasn't my fault.

I guess they figured
that an old man

would make the office
kind of look run-down.

Yep, they got
all kinds of medicines

to keep us living
longer and longer.

Now they got us
living longer,

they don't know
what to do with us.

You wait and see.

Oh, I don't want
to talk about it.

Uh, do you know your
daughter's phone number?

Sure.

Five-five-five
seven-two-four-three.

Five-five-five
seven-two-four-three.

Well, I think we can get you
out of here faster if I call,

because I can
talk faster than you.

If she knew
it was me calling,

she wouldn't even
pick up the phone.

Oh, I can't
believe that.

I mean, any daughter
would be glad to know

where her father is.

I mean, after--
Oh, shush.

Hello.

You don't know me,
but my name is Archie Bunker,

and I got good news for you.

I got your father here with me.

No, no, no, no,

this ain't the home.

No, he crashed
out of there.

No, no. No, no.

He don't want
to go back there, see?

I don't know why. It's got
something to do with warts.

Well, I tell you what.

I live at Hauser Street
in Queens,

and if you start
right over here,

you can get him out of here
before we sit down to eat.

Wait a minute there.

Are you sure you gave me
the right number here?

Because this don't sound
like your daughter.

Did she tell you
to go to hell?

Yeah.

That's my daughter.

Ahh!

Mrs. Bunker,
a lunch like this

on top of that breakfast
this morning

and that wonderful
night's sleep,

you're just going
to spoil me.

Oh, it's my pleasure,
Mr. Quigley.

Oh, no more coffee,
please.

I'm taking this
up to Archie.

He's sleeping late
this morning.

Now, don't you forget
to call your friend Joe.

Ah!

No, no.

No!

I wasn't-- No.

Uh!

Oh, no!

No!

No! No! Get away from me!

Get away from me!

Arggh!

Ohh, Edith.

What time is it?

It's : .

Twelve o'clock?
Half the day is gone.

Why didn't you
wake me up?

It's your day off,
Archie.

You needed your rest.

But, Edith, I was
having a nightmare here.

Don't ever let me sleep
when I'm having a nightmare.

I'm sorry, Archie.

What did you dream?

Oh, jeez, Edith,
it was awful.

I was out all alone someplace
in the cold, you know?

Only in my pajamas.

And it's snowing, see,
and I'm freezing cold.

And I'm stumbling along
tripping over my beard.

What beard?

In the dream I got
a long white beard, see?

And I'm going along there
and I'm stumbling over it

and I'm--

I'm looking for
Mike and Gloria's house.

You mean Mike and Gloria
moved into their own house?

Yeah. That was the only
good part of the dream.

So I'm going through this
strange neighborhood, you know,

and I'm looking for their house,
but I can't find the address

because all the street signs
are in Polish.

But then,
all of a sudden

I heard the sound
of somebody eating.

I said, "That must be
the meathead's house."

So I followed the
munching-and-crunching noise

right up
to the door, see,

and I knock on the door
and Gloria comes out.

She says, "Get away
from here, old man.

Go on,
get out of here."

And she stands there
laughing at me.

Oh, Gloria would never
do a thing like that.

Don't tell me
she wouldn't do it.

I seen it
with my own eyes.

And she's
laughing at me there,

and all of a sudden
out pop two little kids, see.

What kids?

Their kids,
our grandchildren, see.

Aww.
Yeah.

Two little twin Meatheads
about years of age.

And both of them have got
long hair and mustaches.

You know what
they done to me?

They grabbed me
by my white beard

and kicked my ankles.

Poor Archie.
What did you do?

Oh, I hollered out
to Gloria for help there,

but all she done was laugh
and say, "Get out of here."

And she went
and made a phone call.

The next thing you know, these
two big guys showed up, see,

all dressed in white.

And then they
threw a net over me

and dragged me into
this old building, see.

And I'm cold and I'm wet
and I'm tired.

All I want to do is sleep.
They wouldn't let me sleep.

They kept me up all night
playing bingo.

Did you win?

I couldn't win. They gave me
a card with no numbers on it.

Oh, my!

Now, why would I dream
an awful dream like that?

Maybe it had something to do
with Mr. Quigley.

Quigley! That's right.

Because he slept under
the same roof with me.

Because you and the kids
conned me

into letting him
stay here overnight.

Well, it's overnight right now,
and I want him out.

Oh, but, Archie,
maybe he will, very soon.

Yeah? Why?

Well, because he told me
he had an old friend named Joe

he could share
an apartment with.

When is he gonna
come and get him?

Oh, I don't know.

You see, Mr. Quigley
had a fight with his friend,

and he didn't want
to call.

Oh, jeez.

But something I said to him must
have made him change his mind

and call Joe.

Oh, yeah?
What did you say?

I said,
"Why don't you call Joe?"

So, Mr. Quigley, is everything
set between you and Joe?

Well, if it ain't,
I'll just go back to the home.

I thought you said you'd
never go back there again.

Yeah, I did.

But you know
the old proverb.

"A bird in the hand--"

Oh, yeah.

"Can get you
awful dirty."

Just passing through, everybody.

I got to get Archie
his breakfast.

What did you do for fun
when you were ?

A lot of things
I can't do now.

Yeah, but what I liked
to do most was to go dancing.

Oh, really? What kind of dancing
did you do way back then?

I'll show you.

Oh.

Now, here we go.

♪ Everybody's doin' it
Doin' it, doin' it ♪

♪ Everybody's doin' it ♪

♪ Doing what?
Turkey trot ♪

♪ See that ragtime
Couple over there ♪

♪ Watch them throw
Their shoulders in the air ♪

♪ He's a bear
He's a bear ♪

♪ He's a bear ♪

Hey!

Quigley, what about
the phone call?

It's all set.
Joe's coming to pick me up.

Oh, good. When?

Could be any minute.

Oh, wonderful,
wonderful.

Or it could be
a few days.

Now, don't
get me wrong.

Joe's bright,
smart as a whip.

But sometimes
Joe kind of forgets.

Joe forgets? Edith!

Edith!

In here!

Edith, listen.

From what I just heard
out there,

this guy Joe
may never get here

unless he stops first
to take a memory course.

I don't understand.

Why can't Mr. Quigley stay
for a couple of days?

Because I already got
one freeloader with me

and bread's up
cents a loaf.

I know what to do.
I'll call the home.

Oh, no, Archie,
don't do that.

He'll be out of here
pretty soon,

and it don't hurt us
that much

to take care of him
for a couple of days.

Edith,
that ain't our job.

Let the government
take care of him.

But that's just it, Arch.

The government's
not taking care of him.

What are you
talking about?

You heard yourself,
the guy's got Social Security.

Sure, bucks a month.

Meanwhile, the official
poverty level is a month.

Don't you see, Arch?

The government is just helping
old people to starve slower.

Well, maybe when you start
working and paying taxes,

the government
can do better.

Arch, guys like Quigley

can barely make ends meet
when they're healthy.

What happens
when he gets sick?

Don't be stupid!

Ain't you never heard
of Medicure?

It's Medicare.

And I saw a documentary
about it on television.

The way it works out,
it only pays for percent.

The rest comes out of
the old people's pockets.

Can't you see
by my face

that I don't want to
talk about it no more?

Well, I want to
talk about it, Arch!

Maybe we should.

It won't be long before
we'll be in our golden years.

"Golden years"!
I hate golden years.

Don't talk
about that no more.

And don't be listening to
this meatheaded pinko over here.

The president's gonna take care
of people like you and me.

Didn't he push up the Social
Security five percent?

While groceries went up
percent.

Oh, what do you care?

That's just another percent
you're eating free.

Get away from me.

Oh, Archie, don't--
Get away from me.

Come on, it's just gonna
be a couple of days.

Would the two of youse
get off of my back?

Uh, say, Mr. Quigley, there,

I really got to
tell you something--

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh! Could that be
your friend Joe?

I'll bet it is.

I'll answer it.
I'll answer it.

I always answer the door

to people who are welcome
in this house.

And your friend Joe's
welcome here.

Hello.

Uh, who are you?

I'm Jo.

Jo, you look
prettier than ever.

Oh, and you look
younger than ever.

I can lie just as good
as you can.

Hey, Quigley,
you mean to tell me

this is the Jo you're planning
on sharing the apartment with?

Yep. Josephine.

Jo, meet my friends,
the Bunkers.

How do you do?

And this is Mrs. Bunker,
who rescued me.

Oh, well, I'm so happy
to know you.

Oh, me too.

Archie, ain't they
a lovely couple?

How do you mean
"couple"?

They ain't married, Edith.
Unless--

Are you?

No, and we ain't gonna
get married either.

If we did, there'd be no point
in living together.

At your age, talking
about living together?

I'd be ashamed of myself
if I was you.

Oh, come on, sonny.
Get with it.

Do you know what'd happen
if Jo and I got married?

I'd lose half
my Social Security.

That's the way the government's
taking care of them, Arch.

Oh, lay off the government
over there, will you?

I mean, I don't care personally
if they live together.

Let them live together.

I mean, after all, at your age,
uh, what can you do?

Just whatever
comes to mind.

Well...

I'll get
my hat and coat.

Justin, did you hear about
poor old Hazel Quinn?

No.

Don't tell me
she passed away.

Worse.

She was picked up
for shoplifting

and thrown into jail.

They can't put a good woman
like that in jail.

What are you talking about,
Quigley?

Anybody that steals
deserves to be in jail.

Hazel Quinn is years old,
and she was hungry.

So she stole
a can of tuna.

Chicken of the Sea.

It's a good thing the government
raised Social Security

five percent, right, Arch?

Clam up, you.

Well, we got to be
going now.

I sure want to thank you for the
lovely way you took care of me.

I'd like to do something
to sort of make it up to you.

Give you one little
piece of advice.

One good turn
gets most of the blanket.

Oh!

You're so clever.

Oh, I'm not really
that smart,

but people expect
an old man to be wise,

and I didn't want
to disappoint you.

Come on, Jo.

Well, let us know
when you get settled.

We'd like to see
both of you again.

GLORIA:
Wait a minute.

How would you two like
to be new grandparents?

I don't think
we got time.

No, no, I mean,
like foster grandparents,

for all of us.

Oh, I don't need
no kind of grandparents.

Come on, Daddy. I never knew
my real grandma and grandpa.

Well, you wouldn't
have liked them.

He don't mean that.

Well, I like
these two,

and I'd like you to
come visit us on holidays.

Oh, what a lovely idea.

Thank you, dear.

Yeah, maybe sometimes
we can go visit you.

Go as often as you can,
Meathead.

Well, Jo, it looks like
we've just been adopted.

Well, see you all
next Christmas.

Hey, yeah, that's a good idea.
Next Christmas.

See you next Christmas there.

Ha, ha, Quigley.

Oh, I'm going to give you
one more piece of advice.

And this is
just for you, sonny.

Something my father
said to me.

He said, "Son,
don't ever grow old."

What's that
supposed to mean?

You'll find out.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.