03x10 - Flashback: Mike and Gloria's Wedding (2)

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

ANNOUNCER:
Mike and Gloria's wedding,
part two.

Oh, my, it just
don't seem possible

that two years ago
tonight,

you and Mike
was married, Gloria.

Yeah, how
time drags.

And pretty soon,
it'll be next year,

and I'll be singing,

♪ Happy third
Anniversary to you ♪

♪ Happy third anniversary
To-- ♪

Ah, pull the plug on that.

You already sung that.

Oh, no, that was,

♪ Happy second anniversary
To you-- ♪

Will you stop torturing me?

And will you stop
breathing down on me?

Can't you sit
over here?

Boy, Michael,
when you walked out,

I didn't even think
we'd have a wedding,

let alone
an anniversary.

Yeah, it was
really something,

between my Uncle Cas
wanting a priest

and Archie wanting
a reverend.

And you wanting out.

I never wanted out.

I just didn't want

all that religious
rigmarole.

You didn't want
to get married at all.

You wanted to go off someplace
and live in sin.

You wanted all the fun
and none of the suffering.

That's not fair,
Daddy.

Michael came back,
didn't he?

And didn't he agree to have
the Reverend Felcher marry us?

Yeah, ain't it funny?

The more everybody agreed
with each other,

the more mixed up
everything got.

Remember the day we had
the wedding rehearsal?

Hey, hey,
hotlips.

You're supposed to be rehearsing
the ceremony part today.

This here part
had enough practice.

You know what
they was doing out there?

Yeah, kissing.

Archie, I think maybe
for the rehearsal

we ought
to move the TV.

It might be in the
Reverend Felcher's way.

Listen,

if the Reverend Felcher
wants that TV moved,

he can lift it himself.

I ain't about to lose a daughter
and gain a truss.

Oh, Archie,
just think.

Tomorrow,
Gloria and Mike

are really
getting married.

It just don't seem
possible, does it?

Yes, it does.

It seems like a nightmare
come true.

Oh, Archie.

Which, by the way, reminds me,

don't you think
it's time to, uh...

sit down and have a little talk
about the facts of life?

Oh, sure, Archie.

I don't mean between
you and me, dingbat.

I mean you and Gloria.

Me and Gloria?

Yeah.

You know, you got
to explain to her

about the wedding night.

If you say so,
Archie.

But I didn't think
you wanted Gloria to know

about you falling asleep
on our wedding night.

Will you forget that?

You got to tell her
whatever your mother told you

before you and me got married.

Oh...

You mean...

Yeah...

Oh, Archie, I ain't going
to be no good at that.

Can't you talk to Gloria?

No.

You're her mother.

You got to do the
explaining there.

I mean, after all,
I'm her father.

A father ain't allowed

to talk about
stuff like that

with his daughter.

Do you mean that if
you was Mike's father,

you'd talk to him?

If I was his father,
I'd run away from home.

Ma, what time
did the Reverend Felcher

say he was coming over?

Uh... : .

We better
go upstairs

and try on
the dress again.

We got to fix the hem.

Mike, Archie wants
to talk to you.

Where'd you get that hunk
of Boston cream pie?

Gloria said
I could have it.

That was the last piece.

I had that scheduled
for Gunsmoke.

You want it?

I don't want it now!

I want to talk to you
about, uh, the wedding.

I mean, about
after the wedding.

Oh, you don't have to worry
about that, Mr. Bunker.

There won't be
any problems.

[CHUCKLES]

That's what
everybody thinks.

Oh, you mean
you had problems?

No, I don't mean
I had no problems,

because I took it easy
with my wife, see.

I knew she wasn't going
to disappear overnight.

You mean on the first night,
you didn't...

I mean
that I didn't go rushing in

like a bull
into a china closet.

That ain't just any woman
you're marrying, you know.

That's my little girl.

So just take it easy,

kind of get to know
one another there,

give yourself a little time.

How much time?

Oh...

A month.

A month?

That's ridiculous.

It ain't ridiculous!

You got to be careful

with a young bride,
you know.

That's your wife.

You got to
treat her nice.

You got to put her
up there on a "pe-des-tal."

Oh, you mean like what
you do with Mrs. Bunker.

That is right.

Thank you, Mr. Bunker.

I'll try to remember
everything you said.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Don't mention it.

The least an older guy can do
is pass along his--

what do you call--
know-how to a younger guy.

What, are you back?
Yeah, I'm back.

Hey, Uncle Cas!

Hey, Mickey!

Hi, how are you?

What are you doing here?

What do you think
I'm doing here?

I came for the wedding.

Didn't you expect me?

No, I didn't.

You don't know much
about Polish people.

No, I've been lucky up to now.

I'll tell you why I'm here.

Because Polish families

are like this. Close.

Go ahead, Arch.

Try and pull
my family apart.

That ain't your family.
Them's your fingers,

and I don't want
to fool with them.

Uncle Cas!

Hey, Gloria.

Be careful
with her.

Throwing her up in
the air like a ball...

GLORIA: Here,
let me take your coat.

Gee, it's wonderful
to see you.

We didn't think
you were coming.

He's like my own son.

I wouldn't have
missed this

for a million bucks.

Then you're not mad

that we're not getting
married by a priest?

Sure, I'm mad.

But I thought it over,
and I figured,

ah, what the hell.

It's your life.

You and Gloria
should get married

any way you want.

Uncle Cas,
you're terrific.

Anyway, we're all going
to be friends, huh?

If the kids want it to be

a nonreligious
ceremony,

that's okay with us,
right, Bunker?

Wait a minute.
What do you mean, nonreligious?

The reverend from our church

is going to perform
the "honorariums" here.

The reverend
from your church?

Wait a minute! Hold it!

Hey, Mickey, I never figured you
for a hypocrite.

He's not a hypocrite,
Uncle Cas.

Michael agreed to the
reverend to please me.

Yeah, and also
to please me and God.

Daddy.

You going to go along
with all this, Mickey?

Well, I don't care.
I mean, uh--

What do you mean,
you don't care?

You said you were an agnostic,
right?

Yeah. So what?

So you're only an agnostic
against Catholics.

I mean, you got a right
to be anything you want,

but how are you going
to be an agnostic

if you get married
by a Protestant minister?

Uncle Cas--
You know
what I think?

I think you've been
hanging around this Bunker guy

for a couple of months,
and you're forgetting everything

we ever taught you
about fair play.

Hey, wait a minute
there, Casimir.

Uncle Cas, you see--

No, no, wait a second.
Wait a second, Gloria.

He's got a point.

What?

No, he's right.
I am being a hypocrite.

Gloria, I'm sorry,

but it can't be
your father's way

and it can't be
my uncle's way.

We can't have a priest
or a reverend.

It's got to be
a civil ceremony.

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

Civil ceremony.
What the hell is that?

You just say "I do"

and throw two dollars
in the window.

It's like betting on a horse.

Mr. Bunker, I meant
to bring the judge here.

Oh, the judge here!

How classy can you get?

Why don't youse go
the whole route?

Get yourselves married

by the captain
of the Staten Island ferry.

Now, listen, are you going
to get married

by this Reverend Fletcher?

Felcher.

Whatever.

Or not?

No!

Okay, that's fine.
Edith, come on down here.

No Felcher,
no wedding.

Fine
with me.

[ALL ARGUING]

Archie,
what's wrong?

There ain't nothing
wrong, Edith.

Everything is just perfect.

The wedding is off!

[BAWLING]

You're gonna
be better off.

Will you
leave me alone?

Archie, in all the years
we been together,

I never asked you
for nothing important--

Aw--

But I'm going to ask
you for something now.

Archie, please, you got
to let them get married

the way they want to.

Are you kidding?

If I don't let that
reverend marry them,

I'll never be able to look
him in the face again.

I won't be able to go
into his church no more.

But you ain't been
to church for years.

Will you try and stay
on the subject, huh?

The point is that
you go there, don't you?

You see him every week.

Archie...

Suppose they
run away together

and she never wants
to come back

and see us again.

That ain't going
to happen.

That happens
all the time, Archie.

We could lose her.

Ah, what are you talking about?

We could lose her forever.

Ah, jeez.

All right, all right, uh...

I just come to,
what do you call, a decision

out there in the kitchen,

and I decided I'll let youse
have a civil ceremony.

Oh, Daddy,
thank you!

Oh, thanks a lot,
Mr. Bunker.

Is that all right,
Uncle Cas?

Okay, I'll go along
with that.

We'll have a judge.

A judge. Where the hell
do you buy a judge?

Arch, leave it to me.

I'll get a judge.

Well, you better get
on the phone there, Edith.

Call the reverend.
Tell him to stay in church.

Oh, yeah...

No, Ma, I'll take care of that.
Oh, I don't mind.

No, no, Ma, it's my
responsibility.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Bunker.
Oh, hi, Lionel.

Here's your toaster,
all fixed.

Oh, thank you.
Come in, Lionel.

I want you

to meet somebody.

This is
Mr. Casimir Stivic

from Chicago.

This is
Lionel Jefferson.

How do you do,
Lionel?

And this is
Michael Stivic.

He's going
to marry Gloria.

Oh, hi. Hey, congratulations.
Thanks.

I'll put this
in the kitchen.

Here you are,
Lionel.

Here's the bucks for doing
the job on the toaster.

Okay, thank you.

Wait,
don't run away.

Here's something a little
extra for yourself.

A whole dime?!

Oh, you didn't have to do that,
Mr. Bunker.

You're a good kid, Lionel.
You deserve it.

Why, thank you, sir.

Uh, Lionel,

do you do this kind
of work for a living?

Oh, no, just part-time,
till I start college.

Then I'm going to study
electrical engineering.

But Mr. Bunker likes it better
when I say "'lectical engineer."

What's that I heard, Lionel?

Oh, I was just saying I's gonna
be a "'lectical engineer."

That's good, Lionel.
I love to hear that.

Wait a second.
Wait a second, Lionel.

Let me ask you
a question.

Does he know that
you're putting him on?

No. Except when
I talk naturally.

Watch this.

Uh, Mr. Bunker,

do you have any further
requirements of me?

I didn't catch
that, Lionel.

Uh...is you got mo' fixin'
fo' me to do, Mr. Bunker?

Oh, no.

No, no, nothing at all.
That's fine, Lionel.

Well, I'll just be shuffling
on back to de woodpile.

All right, Lionel.

We'll see you
later on, huh?

Bye-bye.
Have a nice wedding.

Gloria, I got
your nosegay,

and it's a perfect day
for a wedding.

Oh, my!

You look beautiful.

You look just like

the picture of
your grandmother

when she wore
that dress.

Oh, you think
so, Ma? Thanks.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[GASPS] If it's Mike,
don't come in.

The groom can't see the bride
before the wedding.

It's bad luck!

Oh.

Why do you have
to squawk that way?

It's only me.

The groom is
in the bathroom

shaving his
beard off.

Oh, my,
this'll be the first time

we'll see Mike
with his whole face.

Yeah.

Oh, here, Ma. Will you
hold that for a second?

Hey, what happened

to my Statue of Liberty
tie clip?

I threw it away.

Why?

Her torch fell off.

I don't care
if her torch fell off.

She was still
holding her book,

and her book was the part
that clipped the tie.

What am I going
to do now?

Ah, forget it.

Did you...

[MOUTHING]
Talk to Gloria?

Come on, get on
with it, huh?

Gloria, would you
like to sit down?

Oh, no, Ma, I'm too nervous
to sit down.

Well, then maybe
I'll sit down.

What's the matter, Ma?

Are you all right?

Gloria, I--I think it's time
that you and me had a...

woman-to-woman talk about...

about...

The wedding night?

Yeah, about that.

Okay, Ma.

Ma, you don't have to
if you don't want to.

I mean, I know
how hard it is

for you to talk
about these things.

How did you know that?

I guess because
you never talk about them.

You don't have to be
embarrassed, Ma.

Oh, thank you, Gloria.

I know you just want me
to be very happy.

I do.

And tonight, Michael
and I will be nervous.

Yeah.

Because we're both really
strangers to one another.

That's right.

And the important thing
to remember

is that we love
and respect each other,

and, above all,
that we treat each other

with patience
and tenderness tonight.

Yeah.

Thanks, Ma.

I'm glad we had
this little talk.

Oh, Gloria.

I never thought I'd be able
to say it all to you.

Oh, Ma.

Well, it's off.

Hey, there's
the Mickey I know!

Ooh, you look great.

I think he looked better
with the beard on.

Please, Mr. Bunker,
don't start with me.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

CASIMIR:
Hey, there's the judge.

Is this the Bunker
residence?

Uh, yeah.
Come on in.

CASIMIR: Thanks
for coming, judge.

Let me take your coat.
All right, thank you.

I'd like you to meet
the bridegroom, Michael Stivic.

Michael,
congratulations.

Hi. Thank you.

I'd especially
like you to meet

the bride's father,
Mr. Bunker.

Mr. Bunker.
How are you?

How are you?

Archie, you're
shaking hands

with Judge
Francis J. Polanski.

Judge Polanski, huh?

Are you, uh, a regular
"Your Honor" judge?

Yes, I'm a judge
of the surrogate court.

Oh, yeah, well, I mean,
how come a big judge like you

has time to rush over here
on a Saturday afternoon?

Because, Mr. Bunker,

we Polish people
stick together like this.

Yeah, I seen that before.

Well, judge,

why don't you
make yourself at home?

Sit down
on the sofa there

and eat a cookie.

They wear it behind now.

There, there.

Oh, Archie,
I heard the bell.

Are the guests here?

No, it's
a Polish judge.

He's downstairs
in the living room

playing with his fingers.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

There's the bell.

That must be the guests.

I'd better get down there.

Oh!

Gloria,
the next time I kiss you,

you'll be a married woman!

Goodbye, Gloria!

Well...

You certainly
look beautiful.

Thank you, Daddy.

Did your mother have
a little talk with you?

Oh, yeah, we had a good talk.

Well, I know
all them things

ain't too delicate
to hear about,

but you know,

you got to talk
about them sometime, right?

I'll be all right,
Daddy.

Yeah, well, all I wanted
to tell you is that, uh...

Remember that time
you was a little girl

and you was a Brownie,

and you went
up to the summer camp?

Yeah, I remember,

but whatever made you
think of that?

Well, let me finish.

You remember you thought
you was going to love the camp,

but the way it turned out,
you hated it.

Yeah, and I called
you up crying,

and I begged to come home.

And I took
the rest of the day off,

jumped on the next train,
went up and brung you back,

because you was my little girl

and anything you wanted
was okay by me.

Oh, Daddy.

Well, I just want you to know

that you're still
my little girl,

and you always will be.

You know what I'm telling you?

I know.

Daddy...

I think it's time
we went downstairs.

You sure?

Very sure.

[PLAYING "WEDDING MARCH"]

[EDITH STRIKES WRONG NOTE]

Gloria, we're ready!

GLORIA:
Hold it, Ma.

I'm waiting for Daddy.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[RESUMES "WEDDING MARCH"]

[STRIKES WRONG NOTE]

[CONTINUES PLAYING]

[PLAYS FINAL NOTE
OFF-KEY]

Happy anniversary,
Gloria.

Jeez, do youse always
have to be doing that?

Oh, Archie,
ain't it wonderful

that all that fighting
turned out so happy?

Happy?

For who? For who? For who?

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.