03x09 - Flashback: Mike and Gloria's Wedding (1)

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ Happy second
Anniversary to you ♪

♪ Happy second anniversary
To you ♪

[GRUMBLING]

♪ Happy second anniversary-- ♪

Pull the plug on that!
Pull the plug on that!

[QUICKLY] ♪ Happy second
Anniversary to you ♪

Oh, Ma, that
was so sweet.

Yeah, thanks, Ma.

Oh, it was a little
high for me.

I should have started
in a different key.

You should have started
in a different city.

Daddy, don't be
such a grouch.

Come on, blow
out the candles

before they
melt the cake.

Wait!

First comes the wish.

I already made
my wish, Edith.

Not yours, Archie.
Mike and Gloria's.

It's their wedding
anniversary.

I know, Edith.

My wish didn't
come true.

Come on, Michael.

Okay... Ready?

Yeah.

Aw...

Oh, good!

You blew out
all the candles.

That means your wish
is going to come true.

Well, that there wish
better not come true

down here in
the dining room.

ARCHIE: Aw,
look at this!

All right, Edith, when
you can pry them apart,

I'll take my cake
over there.

Gloria, it's time

for the bride
to cut the cake.

Oh, thanks, Ma,
but I'm not a bride anymore.

I'm an old married lady now.

Yeah, well,
living with the meathead

has put a lot of years
on all of us.

Oh, no, Archie.

I was looking through
the wedding pictures

and you look better now
than you did then.

Well, I was in a state
of shock then.

Here, I brought you

a piece with
a rose on it.

All right, Edith,
leave it there.

You want your cake
over there too, Ma?

Oh, no. Later, Gloria.

I don't want to get
this album sticky.

Oh, my, look
at this picture.

Ain't that wonderful?

Look, Archie, a picture
of our living room.

Gee, Edith, now we know
what it looks like.

But, Archie, it ain't
our living room now.

It's our
living room then.

Yeah, the magic
of photography.

How thrilling.

Daddy, it's a
lovely picture.

I mean--

look at all the
beautiful flowers and things

that were brought in
for the wedding.

All I can think of is
the unbeautiful thing

that stayed after the wedding.

Daddy, why do
you have to say

such horrible things
all the time?

No, that's all right, Gloria.

Actually, your father's
on his best behavior tonight.

I mean, haven't you noticed?

He only called me
an unbeautiful thing.

He could have called me
an unbeautiful Polack.

The night is young, Meathead.

Oh, no, Archie,
it's not just tonight.

You know, since
I've been living

in the house with you
the last couple of years,

I think I've
influenced you.

The only thing you've influenced
around here is my food bill.

Arch, you don't have
to get upset.

So you've mellowed a little bit.

I mean, that could happen
to anybody.

Get out of here.

I think you're right,
Michael.

All those
nice quiet talks

you've had with Daddy--

you've had
a good effect on him.

Nothing has no effect on me!

What are you
talking about, Arch?

You've changed.

I ain't changed.

You have too.

Get away from me.

Yeah, I think
he's right, Archie.

Like you haven't said
the word "co*n"

in almost a year.

What are you talking about?

I say it every day.

You haven't said it
in front of us.

Well, all right, then.

co*n, co*n, co*n!

You want it, you got it.

Oh, Archie, I'm sorry
I reminded you.

Look, Arch,

nobody's accusing you
of turning into a diplomat.

It's just that-- me living here
the last couple of years--

I think I've worn you down
a bit.

The only thing
you've worn down around here

is your knife and fork.

Oh, look!

Here's Mike's uncle Casimir
eating cake.

Oh, yeah,
that proves you've mellowed.

Remember the first time
you met my uncle Cas?

Yeah, so what?

All right, so you remember
the first time he came over here

to discuss the wedding plans

and Ma had bought
those fancy pastries?

Don't you remember

the first words you said
about my uncle Cas?

What's all
the fancy pastries for?

Who the hell is your uncle,
the head janitor of Poland?

Daddy!

Look, Mr. Bunker,
I'm telling you--

Michael, Michael,
calm down.

Don't be angry!

I'm not angry, Gloria.

It's just-- We shouldn't
have done it this way.

Well, it was your idea

to have your uncle over
for coffee.

Yeah, that's because
I was worried

about having him
over for dinner.

I was worried
about all that dinner talk.

Now I'm worried
about all that coffee talk.

Don't worry.

Gloria, you don't know my uncle.

He's very sensitive
about Polish jokes,

and your father's
out there in the kitchen

sharpening up his repertoire.

But, Michael, it's possible
that your uncle and my father

could get along just fine.

You really think so?

No.

Gloria,

why can't we just do
what we originally wanted?

You mean,
just live together?

Yeah, why not?

Michael,
don't even bring that up.

You know my father.

Gloria, it's not him
I want to live with.

Michael...

Hey, hotlips.

You're doing that

in front of
her father here.

Uh, well,
we were just kissing.

I know what it was.

I seen it in the movies,

and if this is the preview
of the coming attractions,

I don't want to see the picture.

You know, Daddy,
that's the trouble

with your
whole generation.

You're afraid to show affection
openly.

We ain't afraid
to show affection openly.

We believe in showing it openly
where it belongs,

behind closed doors.

We know all about
your love there.

The only thing is,

we don't believe
in smooching there,

out in broad daylight,
that's all.

We was a little bit romantic--

liked to do it in the dark,
like in a hallway or an alley.

EDITH:
Hello, everybody!

Oh, Ma, your new
dress looks lovely.

Oh, you think
so, Gloria?

Beautiful.
You look terrific.

Oh, thank you, Mike.

Gloria, I hope you don't mind.

I used your perfume.

Do you like it, Archie?

Oh, Edith, move it over there,
will you?

It smells like you sprayed
yourself with a can of Raid.

What are you all dolled up for,
anyhow?

Because we're meeting
Mike's uncle Casimir.

You don't have to put on
a new dress for that.

All you need is
a clean bowling shirt.

Look, Mr. Bunker, I don't care
what you say about me,

but you'd better
watch what you say

about my uncle.

I ain't saying nothing personal
against the man.

For all I know, he may be,

what do you call,
a very decent guy.

The only thing is,

he's got two strikes
against him from the start.

What do you mean by that?

Well, he's Polish. Strike one.

Wait a second.

And...he's Polish. Strike two.

You see what
I mean, Gloria?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Look, Mr. Bunker,
Hold it. Hold it.

Hold your thought.

I do believe I hear
the telephone ringing.

"Excusez-moy."

Gloria, this is ridiculous!
Michael, calm down.

Don't lose your temper.
I haven't!

I'm in complete
control of my temper!

You're shouting!

I am not shouting!
I am not shouting!

My temper just happens
to be talking louder than usual.

Hey, over there, I happen to be
on the telephone over here.

Michael, don't throw
everything away

because of
a stupid joke.

Calm down.

I'll try, Gloria,
but I'm telling you,

one more Polish crack,
and I'm walking out of here!

You know, they ought
to fumigate his mind,

if they can ever find it!

Michael, please!

He'll be better when
he gets to know you.

Maybe you can
help him change.

Please, just can't you control
yourself a little longer?

Why should
I control myself?

What is that bull

about my uncle having
two strikes against him

just because he's Polish?

Look, let me tell you something,
Mr. Bunker...

Let me tell you
something there,

young fellow.

I just got
off of the telephone here--

a guy--
a gent called Casimir Stivic--

your uncle, I presume,

calling me from
the corner phone booth.

The reason
he ain't at the house yet

is that, uh,
he forgot the number.

Strike three. Case closed.

That's it! That's it!
I lost my temper!

Michael!
Michael!

Look, Gloria, Gloria,
you don't understand.

My uncle--
he's not going to

put up with
that stuff!

Now, Archie,
you'd better be careful

what you say
around Mike's uncle.

I'll do better than that, Edith.

I won't say nothing at all.

Oh, this is
going to be great.

Let's just forget
the whole thing, Gloria.

No!

Michael's uncle has come
all the way from Chicago

to meet us

and discuss the wedding
with you.

I ain't interested in discussing
no wedding arrangements

with no uncle from Chicago.

The guy ain't even
a "bona fried" parent.

Look, what do you want
from me, Mr. Bunker?

My mother and father died
when I was little.

Listen, I'm sorry about that.

All I'm saying is

I don't want to discuss
no wedding arrangements

with a "substitute-ski."

Oh!

This is not
going to work.

Oh, Ma, can't you talk
to him, please?

I'll try, Gloria.

Archie...

Stifle.

I guess I can't,
Gloria.

Daddy, all I'm
asking you to do

is meet his uncle
halfway.

I mean, he's a self-made man
like yourself, Daddy.

You see, you two might find
you have a lot in common.

Oh, yeah? What does the guy do
for a living?

He's a florist.

A florist?

What does a Polish florist sell?

Weeds?

That's right,
Mr. Bunker!

He sells plenty of weeds
to guys like you!

What do you mean,
guys like me?

I think it must be wonderful
to work with flowers

and be surrounded by them
all day long.

Ah, what kind of a job is that--

prancing around
amongst the pansies all day?

That's what I call dumb work
for a man.

What's dumb about
trying to bring

a little beauty
into the world?

I ain't talking about that.

All I'm saying is

that a real man ought
to be doing something useful,

like, for instance,
driving a hack,

tending bar, spreading asphalt.

Okay, Daddy, but people
need florists too,

and painters and poets.

Aw, very few people need them.

Turn on your television there.

All right, you get one channel,

and you see
a couple of fruitcakes

reading poetry at one another.

Then you flip over
to another channel,

and you see a couple of he-men

battling it out
in the middle of the ring.

Now, which one of them

is any real American
going to watch?

That depends what time it is,
Archie.

What?

Because if Marcus Welby is on,

people would probably
want to watch that.

Will you stop driving me crazy
with Marcus Welby?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, that must be Uncle Cas.

Daddy, now, please
be nice, please.

I'm always nice, little girl.

Now, go and open the door
and let Uncle Polack in.

Look, Mr. Bunker,
this is the last warning.

He's very sensitive!

What, has he got a rash too?

Daddy!

All right, all right!

Go ahead.
Open the door.

Hey, Mickey. Ho ho ho!

Uncle Cas!

Gee, how are you?
It's good to see you.

This is Mrs. Bunker.

Oh, how do you do,
Mrs. Bunker?

How do you do?

And this has got
to be Gloria.

Hi, Uncle Cas.

MICHAEL: Yeah,
and Uncle Cas...

Uncle Cas,
this is, uh...

Don't tell me.

You're Archie.

Yeah. Don't pick me up.

Uh...are you
the florist?

Yeah, I'm the florist.

Mickey's told me all about you.

I've been looking forward
to meeting you.

After all,
we're going to be related, huh?

Huh?

Anything you say.

[ARCHIE CHUCKLING]

I'll tell you another one.

A Scotchman and a Hebe went
into business together, see--

Daddy!

Take it easy,
little girl.

I'm just telling
a nice little joke here.

A Scotchman and a Hebe
went into business together--

And they both went blind
watching each other.

Oh, jeez, you knew the tag line
there huh?

Well,
it's a good story anyway.

I knew
you were the kind of guy

that would like
a joke like that.

No. I'm the kind of guy
hates a joke like that.

Oh.

Oh, well, you don't have to be
so prejudiced about it.

I mean, after all, there are
certain breeds of human beings

that just naturally inflict
humor on themselves, you know.

You mean, like
Polish people?

I didn't say nothing
about Polish, did I?

I'm just talking
about people

and different
walks of life

like, for instance,
well, sailors.

Now, sailors
is always funny.

Well, I was in the Marines,

and we thought the Air Corps
was funny.

I was in the Air Corps.

What's funny
about the Air Corps?

You were in
the Marines?

Yeah, I was a lieutenant
in World w*r II.

A lieutenant
in the Marines.

Ain't that something,
Archie?

All right, Edith.

He ain't exactly General
George C. Scott, you know.

After all,
a lot of your Marines

was lieutenants.

Speaking of which,
there, lieutenant,

I mean, how come
a big ex-Marine like you

turned to selling posies?

Well, I guess you could say
it was because I was a Marine.

After I got out, I decided
I liked making things grow

better than knocking them down.

What a nice thought,
Uncle Cas.

Uh, we was supposed to be
talking about the wedding here.

I heard there was some coffee.

Is there some coffee, Edith?

Oh, I'll get it, Ma.

Michael, will you
help me, please?
Yeah.

ARCHIE:
Sit down, Edith.

No, not there.

Sit on the sofa over there.

Well, there, lieutenant,

I understood you had
some wedding plans.

Oh, my, wedding plans.

It just seems like yesterday
when Gloria was a little baby

crawling around the floor
playing with Arthur.

I didn't know you
had another child.

We didn't.

Arthur was
a dirty little cat.

But he was like a brother
to Gloria.

Edith, Edith,
nobody's listening to you.

I'm listening.

Oh, yeah?

All right, go ahead,
tell him anything you want.

Well, Gloria loved
playing with Arthur,

and she tried to imitate
everything he did.

You should have heard Gloria
meow for her supper.

Jeez, I hated that cat's guts.

Arthur was like a watchdog
to Gloria.

Or a watchcat. Yeah.

Arthur used to scratch anybody
that would yell at Gloria.

We had to keep
a lot of iodine handy

for Archie.

So the cat used to
scratch you, huh, Arch?

Yeah, the cat
hated my guts.

Tell us about Mike.

What was he like
when he was little?

Oh, well, he was a very
special kind of kid.

He really liked people.

He always had this urge

to help people
worse off than he was.

Who could be worse off
than him?

Oh, I see, you mean

because his mom and dad
passed away?

Well, yeah, that too.

Archie, ain't we lucky

that we're here to see
our little girl get married?

♪ Where is the little girl
I carried? ♪

♪ Da, da, da ♪

Oh, jeez,
The Dingbat on the Roof.

♪ Sunset, sunrise ♪

♪ Stifle, stifle ♪

Coffee and goodies,
everybody.

Come and get it.

I'll help you, Gloria.

What do you mean,
"Come and get it"?

We ain't on a ranch.

Bring it over here.

Help her out, Edith.
Hurry it up, will you?

Now, we was
talking about

these wedding plans.

Here's your cake.

I don't care what
you decide about the plans,

as long as we have Chinese food
for the reception.

Yeah, that's what
Michael and I decided.

It's our favorite.

Ah, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

You ain't eating
no Chinky food

at this here wedding.

That's "Chinese" food.

Chinese or whatever.

Chinese food
is for a Chinese wedding.

At an American wedding,
you eat American food.

You don't see Julie Nixon
and David Eisenhower

eating Chinks at their wedding,
do you?

How do you know what they ate?

Because in the first place,

Chinky food at a wedding
ain't fancy.

In the second place,
anything Chinky

is ix-nay with Nixon,
and he's right.

Wait a second,
wait a second, Mr. Bunker.

No, Michael.

No, no, I want
to make a point here.

Mr. Bunker, I think
that before long,

this country's going
to recognize China,

and I wouldn't be surprised

if one day
Nixon went there himself.

Nixon make a trip to Red China?

Never in a million years, buddy.

And remember where
you heard that the first time.

And I don't want to talk
this crazy stuff with you.

All I'm saying is,

there's going to be no
Chinky food at this wedding.

Right, Casimir?

Wrong.

Yeah, my side of the family
votes for Chinese food.

MIKE AND GLORIA:
Yeah.

Oh, well, what the hell.

You voting me down there,

I guess you can have
what you want, then.

Only I'm warning you,

I ain't going to eat
a spoonful of the stuff.

I'll send out.

I'll order something
sent in for myself,

something American,
like a pizza.

Go ahead, stuff yourselves
with Chinky food

if you want to.

Ain't no skin
off of my nose.

Casimir here is
springing for it.

Oh, no, Archie.

The father
of the bride

always pays
for everything.

We wouldn't think
of letting him pay.

Yes, we would, Edith.

In fact, that's what
we were thinking of right now.

Daddy, you're spoiling
everything.

I ain't spoiling nothing.

I'm holding up my end
in everything here.

Show you what I mean--

you don't have to
have your shindig

in that big
rented hall.

You can have it
right here.

Here in
the house?

Right here in my house.

The rented hall is too big,
it's too drafty...

Too expensive.

Was you told
something before?

Stifle?

Bingo!

Well, if you're
going to have

the party here
in the house,

I guess all
you can have

is the immediate
family.

Right, and the less
of them the better.

My, a wedding party
in the house.

We can decorate
the whole downstairs.

I'll tell you what.
I'll do the flower arranging.

Whoop-dee-do.

I'll whip up
a batch of cookies.

Hey, Arch, what about music?

Well, I ain't going to pay
for nothing like that.

It won't cost nothing, Archie.

The Reverend Felcher's
going to perform the ceremony.

I'll ask Mrs. Felcher
to play the piano.

Hold it, hold it.

Mrs. Felcher?

What kind of priest has a wife?

Oh, he ain't a priest.

He's the minister
from our church.

Oh, he's the minister
of the church, huh?

Well, he ain't performing
this ceremony!

What's the matter,
Uncle Cas? Why not?

It doesn't mean
anything to me.

Well, it means something to me,

and it meant something
to your father.

Now, you were born
and baptized a Catholic,

and I promised your father
that when the time came,

a priest would administer
the sacrament of marriage.

Hold it. Hold it.

I got something to say
about this here.

I ain't going through
with none of these ceremonies

with all that mumbo jumbo--

some Catholic priest sprinkling
"incest" over everybody.

My nephew's getting
married by a priest.

That's okay with me,

but my daughter is going
to get married in a church

where she's been going
and we've been going

all our lives,

by this other guy,
the reverend--

What do you call him?

Felcher.

Yeah, well, whatever.

Wait a minute. Why
doesn't somebody ask us?

Yeah, in the
first place,

we never wanted
a priest or a reverend.

What?

What are you talking about?

Mike, I don't understand.

It's very simple, Mrs. Bunker.

I'm an agnostic.

Oh.

You mean you want a rabbi?

It's worse than that, Edith.

I think it means
he can't have kids.

Daddy, an agnostic
is a person

who questions
the existence of God.

Well, I question the existence
of this whole wedding.

Fine, fine,

we don't have to
get married.

You're damn right
you don't.

That's right, we'll
just live together.

Michael!
What?

Mickey, what
are you saying?

No, I'm sorry,
Uncle Cas, but...

Michael, why did
you bring that up?

Well, why not, Gloria?

I mean, this whole
thing is ridiculous.

You don't like the idea

of other people
making our decision?

Michael, please!
Gloria, isn't this our life?

Yes, Michael--

All right, so do you want
your father and my uncle

to make suggestions
on everything we do--

how to dress, eat,
sleep, make love?

Hold it, there!

I don't like that last one
in mixed company.

Does that bother
you, Mr. Bunker?

Because whether
you like it or not,

people do make love
every now and then.

More then than now.

Will you stifle yourself?

I'll tell you
the kind of people

that does them things

without benefit
of clergy--

your communists,
your hippies,

and worst of all,
your fags.

Oh, no, Archie,
I read in LIFE magazine

even they're getting married.

Do you want your daughter

living in sin with this
dumb Polack over here?

Just a second,
Bunker!

No, no, no, no, Uncle Cas.

Let me handle this.

You call me a dumb Polack,
Mr. Bunker?

Well, let me tell you something.

This dumb Polack
is smart enough to know

that he's not dumb enough

to have this nonsense
shoved down our throats.

Michael, don't say
those things.

No, no,
I'm saying it right now.

This wedding's off.

Michael, where
are you going?

ARCHIE: Let him go.
let him go.

The wedding's off!

Michael!

[BAWLING]

Gloria,
Gloria.

Calm down!

This wedding is going
to be all right.

Mickey'll come back.

Oh, Archie,
we'll get them married.

Yeah, when the kids
are off on their honeymoon

and everything
is back to normal,

I'm going to come around
and see you again.

What for?

So I can beat
the hell out of you.

Yeah, I remember

your charming uncle
from Chicago, all right.

I tried hard to be nice
and polite to the big slob,

but when he left here,
he was threatening me.

Oh, come on, Arch,

my uncle wouldn't have
done a thing like that.

How do you know?

You wasn't even in the room.

He swore he'd come back here
with a whole bunch of guys

and work me over.

Arch, you're lying.

What are you saying
a thing like that for?

Archie, you're spoiling
the anniversary.

Yeah, just like

you almost spoiled
the wedding.

Listen, the only one that
spoiled anything around here

was the meathead.

He spoiled everything.

What are you
talking about?

I came back, didn't I?

That's what I'm talking about.

Aw, come on,
Arch.

What do you have to start
a thing like that for?

ANNOUNCER:
Next week: Part Two.

And you're all invited
to the wedding.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.