03x06 - Edith Flips Her Wig

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

I can't now, Michael.

I just finished my
nails. They're wet.

You know, you have

the worst timing
in the world.

I mean, look at this.

We have the whole house
to ourselves

and you have wet nails.

Michael,
you should have asked me

just even five minutes ago.

I did. I asked you
five minutes ago.

You see that? You never
pay any attention to me.

Oh, Michael, I do too.

You do not. You do not.
I'll prove it to you.

How many fingers
do I have up?
Three.

How many now?
Three.

How many now?
Three.

How many now?
Three.

No! I have
four fingers up now.

You don't have four.
You have three.

Four.
Three.

Four.
Three.

Gloria, if I am wrong--

If I am wrong,
will you pay me dollars?

Sure.

All right, I'm wrong.

Ah, you see that?

You never pay
any attention to me.

Michael.

GLORIA:
Hi, Ma.

MICHAEL:
Hi, Ma.

Hello.

Can I help you
with your package, Ma?

Oh, yes, Mike, thanks.

Ma, what's the matter?
Something wrong?

Something's wrong with Ma,
Michael.

I better go see
what's the matter.

Uh, Ma?

Wh-- Why don't you
sit down?

Uh, would you like
a cup of coffee?

I'll get it.

Would you like to
tell me about it?

No, no, Gloria,

I can't tell
you about it.

Come on, Ma.
No, no.

I told you.
I can't tell you about it.

I can't tell nobody about it.
Never, never.

All right.
It's all right, Ma.

You don't have to
tell me about it.

I was arrested!

You were arrested?

For what?

I told you, Gloria,
I can't tell you about it.

I'm a shoplifter!

You were arrested
for shoplifting?

You were arrested
for shoplifting?

Now everybody knows!

Gloria,
what's going on?

Ma, it's all a big mistake,
isn't it?

No, Gloria.

I'm sorry, but I think
there's something wrong with me.

Yeah. I've started
taking things.

I think I'm one of them people
that, you know,

can't help taking things.

Ma, Ma, you're not
a kleptomaniac.

That's the word.

You're not that.

Yeah, it's come down to me
from my Aunt Gertrude.

She was... She was one
of them kleppers too.

Ma, you don't
inherit kleptomania.

Oh, she was a lovely person,

but she couldn't help
taking things.

Yeah, it was so sad.

I remember once,
after she left our house,

we couldn't eat a thing.

She made you feel
that bad, huh?

No. She took
all the knives and forks.

Ma... Listen, Ma.
Listen.

Just because

your Aunt Gertrude
stole things

doesn't mean
that you will.

Oh, yeah,
that sort of thing

runs in the family, Gloria,

and I dreamed
about Aunt Gertrude

just the other night.

Oh, I could see her clear as day
in my dream.

She was sneaking
out of the house

with my mother's sewing machine.

She was riding it
like a bicycle.

Look, Ma, why don't you
just sit down over here

and tell us what happened,
all right?

Don't tell Archie
nothing about this, please.

Don't worry
about it.

Don't.
We won't.

Hello, everybody!

Hello and whoop-dee-do!

Hi, Daddy.

Hold it. hold it. Before you say
another word to me, stand back.

You are looking
at a cham-peen bowler here.

Edith, the greatest
Saturday afternoon of my life

down in the alley.
Oh, the pins were flying.

Every time
I took the ball,

come up to
the line there,

some guys in the back
were yelling "timber."

Why? Because I bowled,

for the first time
in my life, a game.

What do you got
to say to that?

I was arrested.

Huh?

I was arrested.

You was arrested... for what?

Oh... if I told you,
you'd just get mad.

I ain't gonna get--!

I ain't gonna get mad.

Tell me what
you was arrested for.

I don't know where to start.

At the beginning,
Edith.

Well, all right.

This morning, after I finished
sorting the laundry upstairs

I came downstairs
to do the breakfast dishes

and then I decided...
to go to Willington's

and buy you
some shirts,

All right, hold it, hold it.

Forget the beginning.

Just start at the end.

I was arrested.

Edith, you know, uh, uh,
I got the idea

that you're in some kind
of goofy trouble or something.

Now, how did it start?

Well, the trouble started

because our old apartment
is on Union Street.

You remember the apartment
that got so hot in the summer

and Arthur had to sleep
out on the fire escape?

Arthur was our cat.

You didn't like
Arthur the cat very well,

did you, Archie?

I hated his fish-eating guts.

Get on with the story.

Well,

the number bus route
don't go to Bayside

but I told the old lady it did.

You told, uh, uh... Who? Who?

The little old lady
in Willington's department store

who wanted to go to Bayside.

I told her to take
the number .

Wait a minute.

You told an old lady
something wrong,

but that ain't no crime.

What did they arrest you for?

Because I was wearing the wig.

Just a minute.
Sit down in the chair here.

Daddy, Ma's very upset,
so go easy.

Get away
from me, both--

Don't tell me
how to go nothing.

Shut up, the two of youse.
Sit down over here.

Just sit down quiet.

I'll handle it.

Once again, I got to
straighten out conditions

here in Nutsville.

Edith, let me explain
something to you, huh?

You ain't got no wig.

I know, but I was trying one on
down at Willington's,

and I was still wearing it
when I ran out of the store

after the little old lady

to tell her
I told her the wrong bus,

and that's when they--
Arrested you

for shoplifting.
Holy cow!

Did they call
the cops on you?

No. No, they---

They said I could never
come in the store again,

and then they made me
sign a form

and they took my picture.

Oh, Jesus.

Ma, that means you're
on the blacklist.

Oh, jeez,
a blacklist now.

What blacklist?

The ones that the stores
pass around to each other.

They pass them
all around, everywhere.

They feed those things
into computers.

Into computers.

And once that happens,

your credit rating
is zilch.

All because of this--

What do you mean,
"credit rating zilch"?

I ain't gonna let
no store do that

over one little mistake
like this here.

I know how to handle them
stores... believe me.

Now, that store is gonna
make an apology to you

first thing
Monday morning.

I'm gonna send you
down there to get it.

Oh, Archie, I can't do that.

They won't let me in the store.

And everybody knows
I'm a klep-a-maniac.

Ah...

I'll never go shopping again.

Stop crying, will you?

What are you
making her crying for?

Let me handle this.

The two of youse
get out of here.

I want to talk
to her alone.

All right, Michael,
let's make some coffee.

Daddy, be nice.

Leave me alone.

Oh, Edith, come on,
come on, will you?

Stop slobbering there.

I'm sorry.

Jeez, that ain't
gonna help nothing.

Oh... Oh, Edith,

Edith, Edith,
listen, listen.

It ain't your fault.
It ain't your fault.

It's the world, Edith.

What do you mean?

I mean, Edith,
that the world...

just ain't
ready for you.

I don't understand.

Well, what I'm trying
to say is that I know

that you ain't never hurt
nobody in your whole life.

You never told
a lie to nobody

and I know damn well

you never stole
nothing from nobody.

Do you really think so, Archie?

Oh, certainly, Edith, certainly.

The only thing
anybody could ever pin on you,

and so far as I know,
it ain't no crime,

is being a dingbat.

Oh, thank you, Archie.

Oh, all right, Edith.

You want to thank me,

just go and get some
of that coffee for me.

All right, Archie,
right away.

Oh, my, I feel like

a weight's been lifted
from my shoulders.

Ain't it silly

how we let things
bother us?

Oh, I'll take that cup
of coffee for Archie.

You look brighter, Ma.

Oh, yeah. I feel
much better now.

Archie knows how
to talk to me.

Oh, Ma, you look prettier
when you're smiling,

and that's a pretty
necklace, too.

Thanks. Here, Archie.
Here's your coffee.

What necklace?

Oh, my.

GLORIA: What's
the matter, Ma?

Oh, I-- I tried it on to see
how it looked with the wig,

but I never paid for it!

I am a klepper!

[WAILING]

Ma, come down
and have your breakfast.

You really should eat something.

EDITH:
All right, Gloria.

Michael,
I'm really worried about Ma.

She's been moping
around all weekend.

You know, I've been thinking
about it, Gloria,

and I think we ought to talk Ma
into seeing a psychiatrist.

A psychiatrist?

Oh, no, Mike.
I can't go to one of them.

Besides, I'm going
someplace else.

Ma, why don't you let us
make an appointment for you?

A psychiatrist would
make you feel better.

No. No, Gloria.

I won't have time, anyway.
I'm going someplace else.

MIKE:
Where?

Somewhere.

Hey! Who is the person

that put the last roll
of toilet paper

on the spool up there?

I was. Why?

I might've knew that.

How many times
I got to tell you?

The paper goes in
over the spool, not under.

Who cares?

I want to talk to
you about something.

Come on! I got to eat
and go to work.

Come on, will you?
Just one second.

I think Ma ought to go
see a psychiatrist.

No dice to no psychiatrist!

Why not?

Anybody goes to see
a psychiatrist

ought to have
his head examined.

All right, Daddy,

have you got
a better suggestion?

After work today,

I'm going down
to that Willington store.

I'm gonna see
that manager myself

and I am gonna
put the fix in.

Now, look at the time.
You're keeping me.

I'm gonna be
late for work.

Will you get
my lunch box, huh?

To top it off, the
radio says rain today.

Get away from me.

You know what that
does to the subway?

It makes the damn thing
like a Turkish bath.

You better take
your rubbers too.

I don't want
no rubbers.

Every time
I pull them off

my shoes come
off with them.

Give me that.

Oh...

Oh, well, now, I ain't
gonna carry that, Edith.

The guys at the loading dock
see me walking in with that,

they'd think I turned
into an English fruit.

It's Louise Jefferson's.

I don't care if
it's Mary Poppins'.

Let me out of here.

GLORIA: You have
a nice day, Daddy.

How the hell can I?

Oh, dear.

Ma, what's with
the umbrella?

Well, I borrowed it
from Louise a week ago,

and yesterday
she asked for it back

and I told her
I didn't have it.

I told her
I already gave it back to her.

Well, that's an easy
mistake to make.

But, Gloria, suppose I didn't
give it back on purpose.

Ma, look how you're
torturing yourself.

Yeah. I got to go see somebody.

That's right.

Now forget
what Archie says.

You got to go see
a psychiatrist

and I think you
ought to do it today.

It was my son-in-law's idea

that I should see
a psychiatrist.

He said I should talk
to somebody professional

and he's right.

That's why I came to see you.

Well, I'm very
flattered, but...

why me?

Father,
you don't mind

if I ain't Catholic,
do you?

No, no, no, no, no.

I have a sinking
feeling

a lot of my
congregation isn't.

Really?

No, no. Protestant ministers
say that too.

It's a religious joke. Ugh.

Oh, yeah.

I thought of going
to our pastor,

the Reverend Felcher,

but I was too ashamed,

and I heard in your church

you don't talk about nothing.

No?

I mean about nothing
you're told.

Oh, oh. The secrets
of confession.

Yes, that's the hardest
part of the job for me.

I'm a born gossip.

Don't worry. We never talk.

Now, let's get back
to our discussion, Mrs. Bunker.

Well, I remembered

how nice you was to us
when I dented your car

with a can of cling peaches
in heavy syrup.

Remember,
it was at Ferguson's market?

They were having a special on--

Oh, why'd you stop?

That's where
Archie usually says "stifle."

Ah, yes, your husband, Archie.

You know, Mrs. Bunker,
all things considered

you're a remarkably
cheerful woman.

Well, I ain't so cheerful
no more, Father.

That's why I need your help.

I don't want
to be a klep-a-maniac.

Well, now, I'm sure
you aren't.

If you were
a kleptomaniac,

you wouldn't be as upset
as you are about it.

But what about
the Eighth Commandment?

Oh, um... uh...

Uh...

"Thou shalt not steal."

Oh! Oh!

I'm sure, I'm sure, Mrs. Bunker,

that you exaggerate
when you say "stole."

Now, now, you really
don't believe that, do you?

Oh, I don't know
what to believe no more,

and, uh, I think
I broke number too.

Oh, number , huh?

Hmm. How'd you do that?

I coveted
my neighbor's umbrella.

Father, can you tell me
why I'm doing these things?

Well, of course
I'm not a psychiatrist,

but I do know that kleptomania
isn't really criminal.

It's more of an emotional upset.

Now, uh... perhaps
you're dissatisfied

with your life.

Oh, no.

You ever wish you
were somebody else?

No,

but when I was a little girl

I used to pretend
to be somebody else.

Oh, yeah? Who?

Deanna Durbin.

♪ Da-ta-ta ♪

♪ Da-da-da ♪

BOTH:
♪ Da ♪

My mother used to think
I was crazy,

daydreaming that way.

There's nothing crazy
about daydreaming.

I do it all the time.

Priests daydream?

Oh, sure, sure.

Some of us dream
of being bishops and cardinals.

Cardinals dream of being pope.

What do you dream about?

I dream about retiring.

You still think
about being other people?

Oh, no. No.

I just think about other people
doing the same things I'm doing.

Like, when I'm brushing my teeth

I stop and think
about Elizabeth Taylor

or the Queen of England

brushing their teeth
at the very same time.

Well, everybody does it.

If they've got teeth.

You know, I can think
of Elizabeth Taylor

brushing her teeth,

but I can never think
of her spitting it out.

Well, Mrs. Bunker,
you seem very relaxed now.

Oh, yeah.

Well, suppose, then, we go on

with that--
That story of yours.

Now, uh, now,
you think, uh,

you think very
hard this time.

Now, the little old lady
wanted to go to Bayside.

Yeah.

That's what I heard
her tell the floorwalker

and I thought
I knew...

Now, now,
now, now,

The floorwalker?

Yeah, Mr. Masterson.

So I went over

and I told her to take
the number --

Now, Mr. Masterson
was there?

Yeah. He's been with
Willington's for years.

And then she said,
"Thank you very much."

Mr. Masterson's a witness.

No, he's a floorwalker.

And then I went back
to trying on the wig--

Now, Mrs., Mrs.--

Wait. Father,
I ain't finished yet.

I was looking in the mirror,

and I was thinking
about the bus,

and I saw myself
looking puzzled,

and I ran out in the street
after...

I didn't take the wig
on purpose.

Well, of course you didn't,

and Mr. Masterson
knows that too.

That's right!
I forgot about him.

Of course,
and the shock of being arrested

drove him
right out of your mind.

But he's in here now.

He saw me talking
to the little old lady.

He knows why I ran
out of the store after her.

He knows I didn't steal the wig.

I ain't a klepper!

Oh, Father!

What I mean, Mr. Kirkwood,
is that my wife Edith

never stole nothing
in her whole life.

I'm sure this whole thing
was some kind of mistake.

Not according to the
store detective's report.

I'm sorry, Mr. Bunker,

but I'm afraid that's
what they all say

once we catch them.

"It was a mistake."

Well, I-- I know
it looks bad for Edith

but couldn't you kind of,

you know, square it
for one of your own kind?

You know
what I mean?

I'm not, uh, not exactly sure
I get your drift, Mr. Bunker.

What does that mean,
"one of your own kind"?

Well, you know, people like us.
You, me, my wife and all.

You know, we like to come
shopping here at Willington's.

We don't like to go
to them other places

like Bloomingdale's, Klein's,
Abraham and Strauss.

You know that tribe?

Oh, yeah. I'm beginning to see
what you mean.

Sure you do.

I mean, I knew by your face
and by your name, Kirkwood,

you'd see my point here.

Now, listen, you want to keep
customers like us

who enjoy coming here

because they know
they get a fair shake here.

I mean,
get the picture?

Oh, oh, yeah, I do.

I get it.

Oh, uh, here's a picture
of my family, Mr. Bunker.

There's my wife
and my daughter, Melanie.

Nice-looking family.

Thank you.

My wife's first
name is Janet.

That's a nice name
for a wife.

Before we were married
her name was Janet Goldstein.

Goldstein.

Yeah. So why don't you
just take yourself

and your anti-Semitism

the hell out of here, huh?

All right. All right.

I'm gonna tell you
something else, Bunker.

My wife Janet,

she's got a word
for people like you.

A word that describes
you perfectly.

You are a narrishekopf.

What the hell is that?
A meathead.

Oh, well.

You never know who you're
talking to no more.

Oh, thank you very much,
Mr. Kirkwood.

Yeah, bye.

That was Mr. Kirkwood,
the manager.

Mr. Masterson
spoke to him

and my name
is cleared.

Oh, Ma,
that's wonderful.

Great, Ma.
Great.

He says I'm welcome
in the store anytime,

but for some reason

he said he didn't want
to see Archie down there.

Archie!

Hello!

How was your day?

Just like any other day, Edith.

I don't want to talk about it.

Tell you something else.
I was into Willington's,

I seen that manager
and we're quits with him.

You ought to be damn glad

you don't have to shop
in there no more.

But, Archie--
You want to do any shopping,

there's millions of other places
you can go.

Go to Klein's,
Abraham and Strauss, anything.

Archie, he
cleared my name.

I don't care...

I'm off the blacklist.

Well, maybe the guy

thought twice
about what I told him.

What did you
tell him, Arch?

What do you care?

Do you have to know everything?

Take him away and feed him.

Huh?

Him and all his
psychiatrists.

He'd have everybody
running to a psychiatrist.

I bet you're glad
you didn't go there.

Oh, yeah, Archie, I'm very glad.

I want to tell you,
if youse all had listened to me

a little bit more often
around here,

life would go on
much more simpler.

What do you
think, Gloria?

Looks great
with your dress.

Really suits
you, Ma.

Edith, Edith,

what are you doing
wearing that necklace?

You're supposed to give
that back to the store!

No. It's all right, Archie.

Mr. Kirkwood, the store manager,
said I could keep it.

Oh.

Well, after all
the trouble he made,

the least he could do
is give you something.

And not only that.

He says it's gonna
be the first item

on my new
charge account.

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.