03x03 - The Threat

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
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♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

All right, all right,
come on.

Off your butt
and on your feet, here.

We've got
company coming.

I want this whole
area, please.

Come on.
Move it, move it.

Boy, one sergeant's wife
comes to visit,

this places turns
into an Army barracks.

Not Army, Meathead--
Air Force.

Remember that.

The th Air Force
flying out of Foggia, Italy--

the ones that won the w*r.
The ones that won the w*r.

Yes.

Now, let's see what this detail
is doing in here.

What are you
doing, Edith?

Ain't the meat
dead yet?

Oh, no, Archie.
It's chuck.

I'm tenderizing it.

Oh.

Well, that's
all right, then.

You keep stabbing
it, Edith,

because Duke Loomis' wife

ain't no spring
chicken, you know.

She's probably got
store teeth by now.

Daddy, I've never seen you
this anxious.

Why are you making such a fuss
over Mrs. Loomis?

Oh, I don't care
nothing about her.

I'm doing this for
the Duke, my best buddy,

the guy that
saved my life.

That's right, Gloria.

Sergeant Loomis
threw himself

on a live I-talian
for Archie.

Edith...

it's an I-talian
grenade, Edith.

A grenade... that
some joker threw

into the barracks,
there, see?

And you can keep this
in mind, little girl,

if it wasn't for the Duke,

you probably wouldn't
be here today.

Neither would I.

Why not?

I'd be living someplace else...

Aw, come on.

And Gloria would look different.

Come on, come on,
come on.

Listen, what are yous
fooling around?

You got to set
the table in there,

because I want the front room
to be looking nice

when she gets here,

so come on. Set the table.

Move it, move it, move it, huh?

What about you,
Meathead?

Didn't I give you
a direct order?

Arch, what's the rush?

She's not gonna be here
for at least an hour.

I want all departments
in motion around here!

Come on.

I want the Duke's wife
to give him

a good report on me.

Daddy, what I
don't understand

is how can the Duke
still be alive

if he threw himself
on a grenade?

Because it was
an I-talian grenade...

and it was a dud

like everything else
them pastafazoos made,

but that ain't the point.

The point is that she's
coming here for one night.

We got to make her welcome.

She's going to join the Duke
over there in Germany.

Come on, we all got to make
some sacrifices over here.

Listen, I'm giving up
part of my bed upstairs,

right, Edith?

That's right.

Your father's
going to sleep on the sofa.

Just think, Archie,

this will be the first time
in years

we ain't slept together.

Well, that's the sacrifice
you gotta make, Edith.

Look, Archie, I found
your old photo album

from the w*r.

I thought maybe you'd like
to show Mrs. Loomis

some of your
old Army pictures.

Oh, that's great.

That's good thinking there,
Edith.

Now maybe I won't have
to talk to her too much

because she's about
as interesting

as a doorknob, you know.

Is there a picture
of Mrs. Loomis in there?

Nah, nah, nah.

She was the type

that always used
to run and hide

when anybody come out
with a camera.

Why?

Oh, well, Edith,
you'd do the same thing

if you was pounds
at four-foot-seven.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Oh, now, listen, Edith,

whoever that is
at the door,

please don't waste
no time, huh?

Just hello, goodbye.
Nothing else in between.

Yeah. Right, Archie.

Hi!

Hi. Can I help you,
Miss?

Missus. Bobbi Jo Loomis,
Duke's wife.

Oh, well, come in.

Archie, it's Mrs. Loomis.

She's lost weight
and grown taller.

Wait a minute, Edith.

There's something
ain't kosher here.

Look out, look out.

Uh, did you say...?

I know you, PFC
Archie Bunker.

I got a message
for you from Duke.

What's the message?

Now, wait a minute,
I don't think I get this...

Oh, I'm Bobbi Jo,
Duke's wife.

Well, come in, Mrs. Loomis,
and sit down.

Yeah, wait a minute.
Now, you know,

I knew Duke's wife
awful well...

No, no, no.

I know what's confusing you.

You were expecting
the first Mrs. Loomis.

I'm the second.

The first is deceased.

Oh.

Wait happened to her?

She died.

Oh.
Oh.

Oh, I guess Duke
should have warned you.

I hope you're not
too disappointed.

Oh, no.
We're very happy to see you.

Uh, I'm their daughter, Gloria,

and this is my husband,
Michael Stivic.

Hi.
Hi.

So, uh, you're the Duke's
second wife, huh?

What do you know?

You know, I was going to
ask you for your ID Card

over here at the door.

[LAUGHS]
I wouldn't need ID.

All I'd have to do
is remind you of those stories

about you and Duke,

like the time you two were
at Madam Talini's place.

Madam Ta-who?

In Rome, in ,

in that big house
near the train station.

Uh, hey! Uh...

Where'd you leave
your bags?

The driver left it
on the porch.

Oh, Meathead,

don't be standing
there doing nothing.

Get the suitcase
on the porch.

Bring it in here.

Who's Madam Talini?

A nurse, Edith.

An Air Corps nurse
over there.

In fact, she was
the head nurse,

which is why they
called her "madam."

Oh.

Excuse me.

Gloria and me better get
the dinner ready,

and meantime,

you could help
entertain Mrs. Loomis, Archie.

Yeah, yeah. Sure.
I can handle that.

Ha, ha, ha.

Hey, let me take your coat
there, Mrs. Loomis.

There. It'll make you
feel comfortable.

Jeez, was I surprised...

What are you looking at?

Nothing.

Take the suitcase
upstairs, huh?

Sure, Arch.

Well, why don't we make
ourselves comfortable,

Mrs. Loomis?

Why don't you park yourself
on the sofa over there?

Well, thank you
so much.

And, uh, I'll
just hang up your coat

over here on a hook.

[CHUCKLING]

Jeez, we wasn't expecting you

for about an hour, here,
you know.

Oh, well, I took
an earlier bus.

Oh, you took
an earlier bus.

Yeah, oh,
and listen, listen.

Edith dug out this old
photo album of pictures

of the Duke and me,
Mrs. Loomis.

Oh, why don't you
call me Bobbi Jo?

Bobbi Jo?

Yeah, all right,
I'll call you that.

That's a boy's name,
though, huh?

You don't look like
no boy, though.

Aren't you sweet.

Well, now, Archie,
I am just dying to hear

everything you got
to tell me about Duke.

You know, we barely
said "I do" when wham!

The Air Force shipped him
off to West Germany

just like that.

The Air Force ain't got
no human feeling at all, huh?

Well, now, why don't we
look at the pictures?

Yeah.

Oh, look at Duke,

and look at that
head of hair.

Oh, Archie, where was
this picture taken?

Oh, that's taken
over there in Rome.

That's me and Duke eating
at one of them restaurants

that must have run out
of roof, you know,

because we're eating outside.

Oh, oh, now, Archie.

Well, now, here's you,
but I can't find Duke.

Now, which one is he?

Archie?

Huh?

You're not gonna
find him looking there.

Oh, no.

I'm looking at the...

There, there,
there he is!

He was there
all the time.

Oh, but you weren't.

Oh, you can't
blame me, huh?

How long are you
standing there?

I just got here.

Don't you never knock
when you come into a room?

What you want me to do,
knock on the banister?

Get lost, huh?

EDITH:
Archie?

Yeah!

Dinner's ready.

Oh, dinner's ready, huh? Yeah.

Uh, Bobbi Jo,
dinner's ready.

We all go to the table
when dinner's ready.

Oh, well, isn't
that sweet?

EDITH:
Everybody sit down.

Oh, well, now,
Edith, Edith,

you just got to let
me help you serve.

You know,
I'm a terrific waitress.

Oh, thank you.

No, no.
None of that.

The guests don't serve
in this here house.

Sit right down here,
senior-ora.

We'll take care of
everything, huh?

Right next to the old
patroney of the house, huh?

That's sweet.

What? What?

What?

Converse nice about
something here.

Uh...

Oh, Bobbi Jo,

did you say something
about being a waitress?

Well, yes.

That's how I met Duke.

I was working
at the Burgerama.

That's a drive-in on Route
outside of Tallahassee.

You know it?

Uh, no.

Oh.

Well, the minute Duke drove up,

and I saw that cute little
bald-headed sergeant

in that cute little sports car,
a yellow MG,

I said to myself, "Bobbi Jo, you
got to have that man."

Well, what did the Duke say
when he first set eyes on you?

Well, I was standing there
in my little cowgirl outfit--

you know, that's what all us
girls wore at the Burgerama--

and Duke drove up
and he honked his horn,

and I went strutting
on over with my menu

you know, the way we do,

and I had on
my little cowgirl hat

and my white blouse
and my little vest with tassels

and itty-bity
red hot pants,

high white boots
up to here,

and he took one
look and said,

"I'll have a bowl
of thighs."

Whoa!

[LAUGHING]

Well, he meant chicken thighs,
of course.

Here we are.

I hope everybody
likes it rare.

Hey, Edith, you should
have heard about

the whirlwind courtship

between Bobbi Jo
and the Duke, here.

Oh, I just love
true love stories.

How did he propose to you?

Well, it was early one morning,

and he just woke me up and said,
"Honey, let's get married."

Well, uh, you know,

that's a kind of a
risqué story for us here

because, you know, we're
kind of old-fashioned.

Oh, what did I say?

I was asleep,
and the phone rang

and it was Duke.

Oh, oh, oh!

Gee, well, what the hell.
That's legit.

See there, Edith?
Nothing wrong with that.

Huh?

Go on out and get
the rolls, huh?

Vegetables.
Hot stuff.

Oh, now, Gloria, let me
help you with that.

No, no, no!

You can't serve
nothing around here.

You're the guest here.
Give me that. I'll serve that.

What are you looking at?
Get the salad, huh?

Here we, oh...
look at this here, carrots.

They say they're
awful good for you.

Yeah, good for the eyes, Arch.

[MOUTHS WORDS]

Hurry up with
the salad, huh?

Come on, Edith.

I'm waiting to
serve the rolls.

Archie, you ain't never
helped serve dinner before.

Well, Bobbi Jo Loomis ain't
never been here before, Edith.

Hey, hey, what do you
think of her, huh?

Cute the way she talks
with the southern accent there.

Yeah, and she's
so cheerful and lively.

Duke was lucky
to have found her.

Oh, Edith, I hope he was lucky.

What do you mean?

Oh, Edith, you can tell
by looking at her there--

fast and loose.

Oh, Archie.

But I don't blame her
for nothing.

I mean, that's the way it is.

Nature, you know--
good-looking dame

with a shape there
and everything.

Men are always
turning after her,

give her the double-O, you know.

Now, listen, dames like that
put thoughts in guys' heads.

Why kind of thoughts?

Well, I don't know, Edith.

I don't have no thoughts
like that.

Here are the last two cups,
Gloria.

Oh, thank you.

Michael, if you
don't speed up,

we'll never
get to the movies.

Bobbi Jo, what are you doing
out in the kitchen?

We got a lot
more pictures

to look at here.

We got a lot
of ground to cover.

Daddy sure is
acting different.

I wonder what it is.

I think it's his eyes.

His eyes?

Oh, Gloria, haven't
you noticed

the way he's been
looking at Bobbi Jo?

Michael,
that's my father.

Those things aren't
on his mind.

Well, Gloria, something is.

You got to admit Bobbi Jo is...

uh, pretty well endowed.

Sounds like your eyes
have been working overtime too.

Not overtime,
just a regular working day.

Eight hours of looking,
and then I punch out.

You're as big a letch
as you say my father is.

Gloria, a little innocent lust
never hurt anybody.

You just have to know how
to deal with it, that's all.

See, your father, he doesn't
know how to deal with it.

How do you deal with your lust?

Well...

Go ahead, Michael,
you can tell me.

How do you deal
with your lust?

That's funny.
That's how I deal with mine.

And that's
the Duke and me.

We're fooling around
with a couple of girls

in the street
in Naples, there.

I tell you, looking at them
old pictures there, you know,

it makes me feel
that, well...

like I was
years younger.

Archie?
What?

I'm gonna make up the sofa now.

It's getting late,

and you got to go
to work tomorrow.

Oh, Edith, Edith, huh?
It's only : .

Who the hell ever
goes to bed at : ?

You do, Archie.

I'm putting you out
of your bedroom.

Now, I'll sleep
on the couch.

Oh, no. He'll be
very comfortable.

I even brought down
his special pillow.

Oh, ixnay on the...

Archie can't sleep
without it.

Oh, you got one of those too.

Oh, he's got lots
of those things.

He can't even eat
his cereal

without his Chicago
World's Fair spoon.

Never mind the pillow,
huh, Edith?

Come here, come here.

Go upstairs and get me
a regular pillow, huh?

All right.

That's all I need
to sleep on

is a regular pillow, Edith.

Oh.
Oh, jeez.

Excuse me, there,
Bobbi Jo.

Hey, come on, it's
the shank of the evening.

Sit down and
we'll look at the...

Oh, no, no, no.

See, I really have
to get to sleep.

My flight for Germany
is at : a.m.

But you know, you have
been just so sweet.

I mean, really, so kind,

and I'm surely
going to tell Duke

just how wonderful
you've been to me.

Oh, hey, likewise, I'm sure.

Well, but for now,
I'm just going to say

good night, sleep tight,
and don't let the bed bugs bite.

Good night, Mike.
Good night, Gloria.

BOTH:
Good night.

What are yous two doing here?

We live here.

You doing a little spying
here too, ain't you?

What are you
talking about?

Get in the kitchen.
I want to talk to you.

What's the matter
with you?

Are you going nuts
or something?

Get in the kitchen.
I want to talk to you.

What yous two seen out
there, you didn't see it!

What's going on,
Daddy?

I don't want neither one of yous
to get the wrong idea,

see, especially you, the husband

because monkey sees,
monkey does!

And I don't go around kissing
no women, see,

and I didn't kiss that woman
out there. She kissed me.

Now, remember that,
then forget it.

Archie, what are you
so uptight about?

Just because you're
feeling guilty

about being attracted
to Bobbi Jo?

What do you mean,
"guilty"?

I ain't guilty
about nothing!

Why should I
be guilty?

If anyone's guilty, well,
she's guilty out there.

I didn't kiss Bobbi Jo.
Bobbi Jo kissed me.

She's the one
that made the pass.

Daddy.

She made a
pass at you?

No, she didn't.
Well, all right, yeah.

She made a pass.

GLORIA: Mrs. Loomis
made a pass at you?

ARCHIE:
Made a pass, yes! Shh!

Look at the face on you.
What's on your mind?

Nothing.

It's just hard
for me to believe

that anybody would
make a pass at you.

Don't be a wise guy, huh?

Just remember this,
the two of yous--

Edith ain't supposed to
know nothing about that.

MICHAEL: All right,
don't worry about it, Arch.

Come on, Gloria, we'll
be late for the movies.

You're going to
the movies late, huh?

When you come home late,
don't wake me up!

I'll be on the couch, there.

Oh, Edith,
you startled me.

I'm sorry.

Edith, do you like this?

It's very pretty.

Oh, I'm glad
you think so.

I was going to wear it
to bed tonight,

but I think I'll wait
till Duke can see it.

I got something to tell
you about going to bed.

What's that, Edith?

You're not.

What?

I don't think it's a good idea
for you to sleep here tonight.

Well, now, you see,
I have been a problem.

I'm not going to be
another bit of trouble.

I'm just going
to get my things

and go sleep
on that couch.

No!

I don't think it's a good idea
for you to sleep here

under the same roof with Archie.

Archie? I don't understand.

It's something I just heard.

I can't explain it,

and I never in my whole life

have I ever asked anybody
to leave my house,

and if I stay here
another minute,

I'm gonna cry.

So please... that's all.
Please.

Hey, what's going on,
Bobbi Jo?

Where are you going
with the suitcase?

Don't you know?

Your wife asked
me to leave.

Aw, no, no, Bobbi Jo.

Edith never said that.

She said it was
something she heard

when she was down here
a little while ago.

Oh, was she down here
a little while ago?

You wouldn't happen
to know what she heard?

No.

Your wife thinks
I have a thing for you.

Now, why does she think that?

Did she say that?

She didn't have to.

Oh, this is kind of bad,
Bobbi Jo.

No. Don't worry, Archie.

Nobody's gonna know about this
except you, me and Duke.

The Duke? No, no, no,
wait a minute, Bobbi Jo.

You can't go out like this.
Now, wait a minute.

Now, you put the bag down
and stay here.

Edith. Hey, Edith.
Come down here, will you?

I want to talk
to you, huh?

Uh, listen,
there was a mix-up

or something, you know,

and Edith didn't
mean that.

Now, I'll talk to her.

I'll straighten it
all out, see?

So, uh, Edith...

Edith?

Uh, Edith, uh, I want
to talk to you, Edith,

but out
in the kitchen, huh?

Now, listen, you stay here.
Now, don't go nowhere, see.

Edith.

Edith, what are
you doing?

You can't kick her
out of the house.

Is it true what I heard you
tell the kids--

that she kissed you
and made a pass at you?

Well, Edith, yes and no.

What does that mean?

Yes, she kissed me,
but no, it wasn't no pass.

But I heard you tell the kids
it was.

Edith, Edith,
the kids was there, you see,

and I had to come up with...

See, a pass is a tricky thing,
Edith.

You never know.

You wouldn't know that,

because you ain't
a man of the world like me,

you see.

But I'm out there every day
amongst them

in the smelting pot of New York,
Edith,

and I know all about passes.

I mean, I get them
every month-- , .

You do?

I do, Edith.

Oh, jeez, you don't know
what goes on in them subways...

but then, you never know, see.

Like this here. It's a question.

See, sometimes a person
is looking at you,

and then sometimes a person
is looking at you, see. See?

You mean you might be mistaken
about what Bobbi Jo did?

That's all I'm saying, Edith.

You see, we got to give her
the benefit of the doubt.

I got to
apologize to her.

Archie?

What?

She's gone.

Edith, don't tell me that.
She can't be gone.

Oh, Archie, what's
she gonna think of us?

What's the Duke
gonna think of me?

Oh, Edith.

[GRUMBLING]

Oh, Archie.

This whole night must have
been very hard for you.

Oh, Edith, you ain't
got no idea...

But I tried, didn't I?

I tried to fix
everything up here.

Sure you did. You done
the best you could.

Well, I always do, Edith.

That's the kind of guy I am.

Archie? It's : .

Aren't you
coming to bed?

[GROANS]

Are you still worrying

about what the
Duke will think?

No, I ain't worrying about him.

I'm just remembering
that I-talian grenade.

The one the Duke threw himself
on to save your life?

Yeah.

I wouldn't be surprised

if he knew that that was a dud
all the time.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: All In The Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.