03x02 - Archie's Fraud

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where
You were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

You'd better
finish up, Mike.

Dinner's almost ready.

Yeah? What are we having?

It's a surprise.

Oh, Archie's gonna
be so happy.

Edith, where are you?!

Here I am, dear.

Welcome home.

Don't get too
close to me now.

I don't want you
stepping on my toes.

Where are your shoes?

They're out there
on the porch, Edith.

Old lady Callan was
paying you a visit today,

Yeah. How did you know?

Because her dumb dog
left his calling card

on the porch right outside!

Oh... I'm sorry.

Did you have a nice day?

Well, let me
put it this way, Edith--

what happened to me
out there on the porch

was maybe the best thing
that happened to me all day.

Oh, I'd better get
your shoes

or somebody'll
steal them.

Hold it, Edith.

Nobody ain't gonna
steal them shoes.

You want to do
something useful,

go get me
some beer, huh?

Oh, I don't think you
can clean them with beer.

They use beer
for hair, though.

Get me a can
of beer, will you,

while I get
my bowling shoes to put on.

Right away, Archie.

Oh, I almost forgot.
Mr. Munson called today.

He's coming by here tonight.

He's got something important
he wants you to sign.

Did he say what it was?

No. He said he wants
to see you personal.

I'll get the beer.

[YAWNING LOUDLY]

Where the hell am I, in a zoo?

What's that noise for?

Take it easy, will you?

I'm tired. I had a rough day.

Yeah? What'd you do,
bend your library card?

You could never do
what I did today.

Oh, yeah. What was you doing?

Thinking.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, hi, honey.
Hello, honey.

[SMOOCHING NOISES]

EDITH: Oh...

Hi, Gloria.

Here's your beer, Archie.

Oh, Edith, leave
it there, huh?

Look at them two
over there.

Can't yous two come up for air?

Daddy, I haven't
seen him all day.

You want to see him,
open your eyes and step back.

Be nice, Daddy.

I worked hard today.

So did I, little girl,
but you don't see me coming home

and slobbering
all over your mother.

No, that's right, Gloria.

Your father was never
much of a slobberer.

He's more of a pecker.

Will you go out there
and get supper on the table?

Hey, Ma,
I got paid today.

Forty-one dollars
and cents.

Not bad for
three days work, huh?

Oh, ain't
that nice, Archie?

That's more money
coming into the house.

Oh, no. From my end,
it's more money going out.

She ain't a dependent no more.

That means
they're taking five bucks extra

out of my salary every week.

I don't even have a take-home
of bucks no more.

Well, you can thank your buddy
Nixon's wage freeze for that.

Listen, if anybody criticizes
Nixon around here, it'll be me.

He's hurting me, not you.

Did I hear you say
something against Nixon?

No, not against all of him.
Just part of him.

What part?

The dumb part.

The part that runs over
to Russia and China

and sits on my wages.

bucks a week--

how the hell is a guy supposed
to support a family on that?

Archie, you wanna know why
you're paying too much taxes?

Because the big guys
are paying too little.

See, we've got to stop up
those tax loopholes.

Why don't you tell me
something I don't know.

I've been saying that for years.

Begin with the church--
owns hundreds and hundreds

of billions of dollars
worth of property.

Don't pay no tax on it at all.

Them Catholics
is getting away with m*rder.

Wait a second,
wait a second.

It's not just
Catholics, Arch.

It's all churches,
including Protestants.

Hold it, hold it.

Leave the Protestants
out of it, now.

No, no, I'm saying
if this country

taxed all commercial
church property

and canceled
the oil depletion allowance,

you wouldn't have to pay
any taxes at all.

As a matter of fact,
the government

would be sending
everybody a dividend.

You know, you ought to run
for president yourself...

of Poland.

Come on.

Get the supper
on the table, huh?

When I come home here,

I want a little more chow
and a little less gab.

I'd have to run
for chairman.

What?

Poland doesn't have a president.

Who the hell cares?

I got problems of my own.

Arch, I'm on your side.

I know how tough
it's getting

with higher prices
and higher taxes.

That's why when a man
like McGovern comes along

with a program
that's designed...

Hold it, hold it.

Don't give me no McGovern.

Why? What have you got
against him?

I got a lot against him!

For one thing,
his inheritance tax.

He wants to take away from a guy
everything over , bucks.

And I don't want
nobody telling me

how much money
I can leave Edith after I, uh...

Archie, first of all,

he's changed
his position on that,

and second of all,
do you honestly think

you can make
a half a million dollars

in your lifetime?

Why not? It's
a free country!

It could happen, huh?

You pass a law like that,
you k*ll my ambition.

Daddy, promise me
something.

Would you promise me?

What?

Promise me you won't
leave me over $ , .

I couldn't handle it.

And neither
could Michael.

I'd buy boats
and trains...

What is it with her?
Oh!

Another little joke
going on, huh?

Let me tell you
something, little girl.

Nobody loves
a wisenheimer.

Now where is supper?

Why ain't it
on the table here?

Come on. It's coming
right now, if you sit down.

Well, get it on here, huh?

Well, hurry up.
Look at the time.

All right.
Oh, boy, I'm starving.

Okay, Ma.

Surprise!

Surprise?
Where's the surprise?

Right there.

That ain't no surprise.
That's a chicken.

It's chicken surprise.

I fixed it with pineapple rings

and brown sugar
and sliced almonds.

It's Hawaiian style.

I don't care
if you put a hula skirt on it.

It's nothing but a chicken.

Scrape all the goop
off of it there.

Oh, Archie...

Oh, Edith.
And how come chicken again, huh?

We had it four times
already this week.

Look, it's having an effect
on the Meathead over there.

He's looking
like a chicken-head.

But chicken... chicken
is only cents a pound,

and we can't afford steak.

Jeez, Edith,

I ain't requesting
fill-it mig-non, you know.

Give me some hamburger
once in a while.

Hamburger is cents a pound.

Since when?

Since Nixon.
Since Nixon.

Daddy, at least try it
with the sauce.

Ma worked so hard
to surprise you.

I got my big surprise today
on the porch.

I don't need it from a chicken.

[DOORBELL BUZZING]

That's the bell.
That's Munson.

All right, sit there.
I'll get it.

And Edith,
get that stuff away

from my place there

and bring me a bowl
of cornflakes. Fast.

Oh, hiya, Munson.
Come on in.

Hi, Arch. I'm not
interrupting nothing, am I?

Yeah, you're
interrupting dinner

but that's no loss.

I got the cab
double-parked.

I can't stay long.

Yeah, well,
come on, sit down.

I heard it was
something important.

You called me up before.

Yeah, they're checking up

on my last year's
income tax return.

Oh... what are you
doing there, Munson,

cutting a few corners?

Not me. Not one red cent.
My return's % legit.

Oh, well, no wonder
they called you down.

You confused them.

% legit return?

That throws
the whole computer out of whack.

No, no, no,
everything's okay, Arch,

except I don't have no receipt
for the money I paid you.

Wh-- what do you mean, receipt?

You know,
for the bucks I paid you

for driving the cab on Sundays.

Remember I paid you in cash,
like you wanted?

Well,
I ain't got no receipt for it.

Yeah, well, we don't
need no receipts, uh,

between you and me there,
Munson.

We-- we trust each other.

But the government don't.

So look, Arch, if you'll
just sign this piece of paper

saying I paid you the dough,

well, that'll satisfy
the tax people.

Oh, no, hold it, Munson.
Hold it.

You got to be awful careful
what you sign nowadays.

Come on, Arch,
you know I paid you the dough.

I've got the records right here.

What's the big deal
about signing a receipt?

Whoa... that's what Columbus
said to the Indians

just before he gipped them
out of Manhattan.

Oh, so you think
I'm gipping you, huh?

Let me see your records.

What are you
talking about?

I can't lay my hands on
my records like this here.

Ain't they in
the upstairs closet, Archie?

Under the galoshes.

No, they ain't.

If they're anywhere,

they're in my locker
down at the plant.

Oh, I was sure I saw them
there the other...

Oh, I get it.

Now I know why you wanted me
to pay you in cash.

So you didn't have
to report that as income.

Get outta here!

I brought you some
coffee, Mr. Munson.

Put that coffee
back in the pot.

He ain't gonna
have none

because he ain't
got no time

because he's leaving.

I'm opening the door
for you, Munson.

So you didn't report that
as income, huh, Archie?

That's fraud.

What are you
talking about, fraud?

You telling me you declared
all your tips last year?

Yeah. All of it--
$ worth.

Get outta here!

You told me
you made that much by Easter.

So by December,
you must've made $ , $ .

So don't be throwing
no stones, see?

Because you're
a worser crook than me.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

There, there.
Your cab...

is blocking traffic
out there, Munson.

I'm coming! I'm coming!

Look, Arch, I'm gonna be
coming back tomorrow,

and you'd better sign
that receipt,

or you'll be in big trouble.

[CAR HORN HONKS]
I'm coming!

Big shot.

Gonna make
big trouble for me, huh?

Who does he think he's fooling?

And what are
you looking at?

Don't pay no attention
to that guy there.

Now look at these two.

Giving me the big
double-"O" over here.

Why is everybody staring at me

like I was some kind
of boss of the mafia

or something.

How could you cheat
on your taxes?

I didn't cheat.

I just done
what everybody else does.

But if everybody cheats,

why did Mr. Munson say
you could be in big trouble?

Because everybody
doesn't cheat, Ma,

and if Archie committed a fraud,

they could fine him
or put him in jail.

Jail? Oh, my...

Lay off of the jail stuff,
will you?

I didn't commit nothing.

I just didn't mention something,
that's all.

I was just, uh,
what do you call it...

exercising my loophole,
like any of the big guys.

Face it, Daddy.
What you did was illegal.

I don't want you
going to jail, Archie.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
I ain't going to jail.

You never could get used
to a strange bathroom.

Oh!

Just stifle yourself, huh?

Look, Archie,
you'd better go down

to that tax office.

If you wait for them
to come after you,

they could
throw the book at you.

What do you know about it?

You ain't gonna see
the inside of a tax office

as long as you live.

Don't be telling me when
I got to go to the tax office.

Edith...

I'm going
to the tax office.

So first thing
tomorrow morning,

you get yourself ready.

Now, you're going with me.

Why does Ma have to go with you?

Because she and me
signed a joint return,

that's why...

with our names
on it there,

and she's in this thing
up to her neck.

Archie...

I don't know anything...

Up... to your neck, Edith.

Look at this here.

Will you look
at the time?

It's minutes to : .
There you are:

a whole half
a day's pay, shot.

It shows you what you get

for trying to be
a good citizen.

It'll be all right, Archie.
Don't be nervous.

I ain't nervous, Edith.

What are you
picking your ear for?

Just passing
the time, Edith.

It's an old army trick.

RECEPTIONIST:
Mr. Baxter.
Huh?

Baxter.

Yes, Ma'am.

You are nervous.

Don't worry.

All you have to do
is go in

and tell them you're sorry,
and you won't do it again.

How many times have I
got to tell you, Edith?

I didn't do nothing.

Well, you didn't
declare your income.

Edith, I'm telling you
for the last time,

that wasn't income.

That was money I earned
by working on Sundays.

What a man does
on the Sabbath

is between him
and his maker.

Oh, I don't think
the government

is as religious as you are.

Have a little mercy on me

and stifle yourself,
will you?

Just sit there quiet
and try and remember

what you're going to say

when you get into
the tax examiner there.

Well, there's nothing
to remember.

All I'm going to do
is agree

with everything
you tell him.

That's right. Good girl.

What are you
gonna tell him?

I'm gonna tell him
the truth, Edith--

that I had all
the figures wrote down

on a piece of paper
that I gave to you

and you threw them
away by mistake.

I-- I don't remember

throwing a piece of paper
away by mistake.

How could you
remember it, Edith,

if it was a mistake?

Oh, yeah.
That makes sense.

It's hot in here.

Well, take
your coat off, Edith.

Oh, yeah.

How come you're wearing
a fancy dress today?

Well, you want me
to look nice, don't you?

Not down here,
Edith, jeez.

That tax examiner sees you
all dolled up that way,

he'll think I'm one

of them Park Avenue dudes
with money to burn.

Mr. Johnson.

Oh, look, another guy
going in there

ahead of me.

I ain't never going
to get into that office.

Maybe you'd better
call the plant

and tell them you might
not be in at all today.

Yeah, all right,
I'll do that.

I'll call the plant.

You just stay here, Edith,
and mind my chair, huh?

And, uh, Edith, uh...

Watch your bag.

Oh, Edith...

Excuse me.

Gee, buddy, why don't you
watch where you're going?

You nearly stepped
on my foot here.

Well, I didn't see your foot.

Well, you see a person
standing here,

you know there's got to be
a foot down there.

MAN: Hey, Phil.
What?

Your McGovern button.
Huh?

Turn it over,
like my Nixon button.

No politics in the office.

Yeah. Oh, okay. Thanks.

You nearly stepped
on my foot here.

Said I was sorry.

Will you stop worrying?

I'm telling you,
it's in the bag.

It's all sewed up.

I got the guy
in my hip pocket.

Listen to me.

These examiners
are only human, right?

I mean, what can a guy
like that pull down?

A hundred and a half,
tops.

All right,
so the minute

he starts digging
into our return,

I figure
I'll schmear him.

All I said was,

"Hey, you ever been
to the Virgin Islands?"

As if I didn't know.

Now it's his turn.

One hand washes
the other, right?

No, no, he told me
to come back at : ,

but don't worry.

I've got him
eating out of my hand.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, all right,
I'll see you later.

Didn't you make
your call?

Don't worry about that.

I've got something
more important than that

to tell you.

Did you see this guy
who was on the phone?

I heard him. He sounded
like a real insider to me.

From what I heard,
I got some information

that's going to let us
right off the hook.

That's wonderful, Archie.

I'm telling you,

I should have
thought of it myself.

Now, listen, Edith,
the examiner in there--

he's only human, right?

Now, what can he make?

A hundred and fifty a week,
a week tops, that's all.

So when I go in there,
what I got to do is

I butter him up
a little bit, you know?

Give him the old schmear.

The old schmear!

What's that?

Shh! Shh!

It's a kind of
a present, see, Edith?

I slip him something
on the side there

in return
for a little favor

that he's going
to do me.

Oh, that don't sound
too honest.

Oh, Edith, the whole
world does it.

It's what do you call...

wash your hands, see.

Oh, Archie, I can't believe
that nobody's honest.

RECEPTIONIST:
Mr. Bunker.

That's us.
Yeah, all right.

Edith, come on. Come on.

Put your coat on, will you?

First room
on the right.

Where?

First room
on the right.

On the right, yeah.
Thank you.

Come on, Edith.
Hurry up, huh?

I'm Turner.
I think we've met.

You're the tax examiner here?

That's right, I am.
Won't you come in, Mr. Bunker?

Yeah, yeah.

Thanks very much,
there, uh...

Get in here, Edith.

And this must be
Mrs. Bunker.

That's right.

Won't you sit
down, please?

Yeah, thanks.
Sit down, sit down, Edith.

Uh, see, I'm sorry
for what happened

out there in the hall.

Uh, you know, uh,
bumping into me,

which is to say,
my bumping into you.

I-- I, uh, got
my leg hurt, you know,

and it's an old w*r wound.

Archie, you never
told me about that.

That's because I didn't want
to worry you, Edith.

Are you all right now?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

You know, you learn
to live with them things.

Good, let's get to your problem.

Yeah, well, listen,
before we start, Mr. Turner

just one thing
I want to say to you.

Uh... I ain't like them other
crooks out there, you know.

I mean, I didn't
have to be dragged in here.

See, I volunteer to come
down here on my own hook.

You tell him, Edith,
and keep it short.

That's right, Mr. Turner.

Archie volunteered
to come down

as soon as he found out

he might have
to go to prison.

Don't say a thing
like that, Edith.

Mr. Turner might think
you mean it, there.

Edith's only fooling.

She's always kidding
around. Ha-ha.

I see you want to amend

your last year's
tax return. Why?

Oh, well, see,

I-- I forgot to declare
$ extra that I made.

Well, how did that happen?

Well, in the first place,
I had all the figures

wrote down
on a piece of paper,

and then my wife, Edith,
here, she threw it away,

and then I got
all balled up,

and the return
was getting late.

I thought
I was going to be late.

You know, after all, Mr. Turner,

see, I'm only a little guy,

and I ain't like one
of your big corporations

can run down to H&R Block
whenever they got a problem.

Okay, Mr. Bunker.

This extra income--
how did you come by it?

Oh, he didn't come by it,
Mr. Turner.

He worked for it.

He made it driving a cab
on Sundays.

I see.

Yeah, that's right, Mr. Turner.

I want to tell you something.

Even holding down two jobs,

it's awful hard
for a guy like me

to make ends meet nowadays.

Like, for instance,
last week here,

we had chicken four times.

Now, I know yous people love it,
but it drives me up the wall.

I hate chicken.

You hate chicken. No kidding.

Yeah, but if it'd make you
feel any better

I love watermelon.

Now, let's get back
to this tax situation.

By the way,
about that situation there,

I hear
that's all gonna be fixed up

by Mr. McGovern.

McGovern?

Yeah, he says he's
going to fix it all up

for the little guy.

He's going to get
at them millionaires

with the great big
tax loopholes.

So you're a McGovern man, huh?

Oh, are you kidding?

Archie...
but I thought you...

I'm a McGovern man.
McGovern.

Well, I'd like to discuss it
with you, Mr. Bunker,

but we're not allowed
to talk politics on the job.

Archie, I didn't
know you was...

Edith, did you hear
what Mr. Turner said?

He ain't allowed to discuss
politics on the job,

and he's right.

Well, Mr. Bunker,
the way I figure it,

you owe the government
exactly $ . .

Uh...

listen,
let me ask you something.

You ever go out on Sundays?

Sometimes.

How would you like
a free cab ride?

How would I like a what?

You want to go out?

I'll get the cab, pick you up,

take you to any place
in the city you want to go.

Get you back to Harlem
before nightfall.

Mr. Bunker,
I live in Far Rockaway,

and I drive my own car.

Oh, you drive your own car, huh?

Yeah.

Well, hey, hey, hey, listen.

A guy drives his own car--

I'll bet you could use a couple
of brand-new tires, huh?

I know where I could
lay my hands on some.

Uh, my wife's cousin,
Howard,

he left them to me
when he died.

I don't remember
any cousin Howard.

That's because he died.

See, that's Edith all over.
Out of sight, out of mind.

Well, how about it,
Mr. Turner?

Can you use them tires?

Mr. Bunker,
are you trying to bribe me?

No, no, no. Nothing like that.

I guess I'm getting
overly suspicious,

because just this morning

a man tried to offer me

a free trip
to the Virgin Islands.

I know.

I mean, I know guys
do that all the time--

offering things
like that.

Do you hear that, Edith?
What a lousy crook.

What's gonna happen to him?

Oh, we're auditing his returns
for the last seven years.

Seven years? Ooh.

By the way, Mr. Bunker,

how long
have you been driving a cab?

Uh, three years. Why?

Tell you what.

We're gonna overlook
that cab ride,

but for your kind offer
of the tires...

Yeah?

The Internal Revenue Service

is going to audit your returns
for the last three years.

For what?

Wait here, Mr. Bunker.

Edith, did you hear
what he said?

They're gonna audit me
for three years.

They might as well stand me
up against the wall!

Oh, Edith. Holy cow.

Oh, Archie,
it ain't so bad.

At least you found
an honest man.

[FOOTSTEPS
COMING DOWN STAIRCASE]

Come on, Daddy, cheer up.
It's only money.

Oh, listen to that.

I'll bet you'd tell
a drowning guy it's only water.

[SHRILL, OFF-KEY VOICE]
♪ Look for the silver lining ♪

Will you can that?

Why would you start singing me
a song like that there?

You've got to look
on the bright side, Archie.

After all,
you've still got your health,

and you've still got me.

And me.

And don't you
say nothing.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: All In The Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.