03x01 - Archie and the Editorial

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
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♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

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What the hell is this,

the Christian Science
reading room?

Archie, I'm sorry.

I didn't expect
you so early.

I was just reading the paper.

Oh, no. Don't think
nothing of it, Edith.

Think nothing of it.

Jeez, I could get
jollier welcomes

down at the morgue.

Archie, you were only gone
a couple of hours.

What do you want,
a -g*n salute?

Would you stand up and cheer
if it was me at the door?

Well, that depends,
Meathead,

on whether you was
coming in or going out.

Did you have
a nice afternoon?

No, I didn't have
a nice afternoon, Edith.

Sometimes, I wonder

if this part-time
cab driving

is worth my while.

You know, it used
to be New York was

full of dudes
grabbing cabs

to take their
girlfriends to shows.

Now all you see
around town is

drifters, weirdoes
and pre-verts.

Out of the chair.

Trying to pick up
a fare these weekends

is like trolling for sardines
with a basketball net.

Well, maybe folks is
walking more for exercise.

They're walking more, Edith,

because they ain't
got no mazuma.

They gotta make a choice
between cabs or butter,

and they're choosing butter.

Oh, they ought to try margarine.
It ain't so expensive.

Will you get me a beer?

Right away.

Everything's
expensive nowadays.

It's this inflation.

The money in this here
country is sick.

Yeah, like the people
who control it.

Well, when you control
some of it,

I'll listen to your views.

Meantime,
you can mail your opinions

back to the Kremlin, huh?

I thought
Nixon's wage and price freeze

was supposed to fix everything.

Oh... it's fixing me good.

It's about time
some politician spoke up

for the little fellas.

You got McGovern.

I also got a headache, Meathead,

and I don't need
neither one of them.

Oh, gee, lucky me,
I got the book section.

Look at this here.

Come on, come on.
All boats in.

Arch, you can only read
one section at a time.

Well, I want
to look 'em all over

so I can choose which one.

Now, come on, gimme, gimme.

Here's your beer, Archie.

All right, Edith.

Just leave it
there, huh?

Oh, look at
this, will ya?

Meat prices
up again by %.

Maybe we ought
to turn vegetarian.

It'd be cheaper
and healthier.

Well, I ain't
turning that

because it
ain't natural.

Man was put on
this earth to eat meat.

Who says so?

Who says so?
The Bible says so, dumbbell.

Where does it say that?

Aw, come on, will ya?
I mean, look it up.

Jeez, all them old Bible people,

they was always eating meat

as soon as they found out
that eating apples was wrong.

That's true.
On special occasions--

goats and lambs.

Who the hell ever heard
of sacrificing

a head of lettuce? You?

What happened here?

What's the matter with
this little piece of the paper?

Oh, I took that, Daddy.

It's of no interest to you.

Oh, I see.

It's out of the
employment section here.

What's happening?

Don't tell me Meathead
is looking for work.

No, he isn't.

Yeah, well, what are you doing?

You trying to save him
from reading

the embarrassing parts?

No, Daddy.

I'm the one
that's applying for a job.

Hold it, hold it.
You're applying for what?

A job.

You just said yourself
how tough it is

to make ends meet.

Oh, no,
you ain't applying for no job.

A woman's place
is still in the home.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Besides, it's
only three days a week

behind the cosmetic counter
at Kresslers.

Yeah, Arch.
It'll mean a few more dollars

coming into the house.

Listen to this
disgusting comment over here.

You know,
there is a word for a guy

that lives off his wife.

You ever hear of a gig-olo?

Look at this.

Dogs off
the coffee table.

All right.

Even when Edith
and me was broke

when we was
first married,

I never sent her
out to work.

Families was proud
in them days, right, Edith?

Yeah, and hungry.

Can't you just say
yeah and stop?

Times have changed, Daddy.

Well, as far as
I'm concerned,

they've changed
for the worse.

What the hell is the sense

of talking to yous two,
anyhow.

Just get away
from me.

Leave me alone,
all of yous.

I wanna watch TV.

MAN: We delay the start
of the roller derby

to bring you an editorial
by Mr. Lyle Bennett,

general manager
of this station. Mr. Bennett.

Aw, jeez, this
bigmouth again.

Why can't you
give it a rest?

What's it about?

It's always about
the same three things:

pollution, dope, or VD--
I'm sick and tired of all three.

I'd like to hear
what he's got to say,

all right?

...This terrible virus
that has infected the country.

What'd I tell you? VD.

There's been much talk
about our permissive society.

Well, this is an evil

that we have permitted
for too long.

Don't tell me
the bigmouth is

talking sense
for a change.

Quiet, will ya?

The state must be willing

to buy back every g*n
in private hands.

What?

He's talking about g*ns.

What the hell has g*ns
got to do with VD?

Will you listen
to the man?

Only by enforcing
even tougher g*n laws

can the tide of v*olence
and death be halted.

g*ns must go
before more of them go off.

Well, that's where
you're going, buddy boy-- off.

Hey, what are you
doing that for?

I wanted to hear
what he had to say.

He's a fairy like all
of them g*n-control guys.

I'm for g*n control.

Tell it to her.

Maybe she'll get
the marriage annulled.

Oh, Daddy!

Archie, what do g*ns
have to do with maleness?

"What do g*ns have
to do with maleness"?

Duke Wayne, buddy.

What?

Clint Westwood
there, buddy.

What are you
talking about?

Gary Cooper, Sergeant York--
Get out of here.

I could go
on and on and on,

but it'll do you no good,

because talking to you

is like casting
pearls into wine.

No g*ns, eh?

Tell that to old lady
Heinzegger down the street--

"no g*ns."

She'd have been glad
to have a rod

when them two burglars
busted in on her

last week, huh, Edith?

Archie, how do you expect
an -year-old woman

to go around carrying a g*n?

I don't know!

She can carry it
in her elastic stocking

next to her very-close veins.

All I know
is that as an American

it is my right to pack a rod.

Bull!

What do you mean?

Bull to the Constitution?

It doesn't say that
in the Constitution, Arch!

I'll prove it to you.

I got a copy of it here
in my history book.

It's right there
in your Second Amendment.

Oh, no, Archie.

That's the one that says

"Thou shalt not make
any graven image."

That ain't the Constitution,
Edith.

What you said is
the Gettysburg Address.

I'll prove you don't know
what you're talking about.

You just look it up.

All I know, it's
my God-given right

as an American

to have a g*n
in the house.

It is not, Archie.

The Supreme Court
ruled on that

as far back as .

What the Supreme Court says

ain't got nothing
to do with the law!

They okayed
bussing too,

till President Nixon
give 'em the old one-two.

All right. Here it is.

Amendment Two--
I'll read it to you.

Don't read nothing.
I can read myself.

What does it say--
here, here, here...

"The right of the people
to keep and bear arms

shall not be infringed."

Read that.

Wait a second.
You didn't read all of it!

You did not!
Look, look.

"A well-regulated militia,
being necessary

"to the security
of a free state,

"the right of the people
to keep and bear arms

shall not be infringed."

"A militia," Arch.

That's what it says
right there.

Listen, buddy.
I don't pay no attention

to no Constitution
in them pinko books of yours.

Did you know that %
of the people m*rder*d

in the last years
were k*lled by handguns?

Would it make you feel
any better, little girl,

if they was pushed
out of windows?

Wow, that's
convoluted logic.

Yes, and that's
the kind of straight thinking

I'm trying to put across here.

I hate that jerk on TV.

Oh, I get it.
I get it.

When you thought he was
talking about VD

and a permissive society,

he was smart, huh?

You find out he was talking
about g*n control, he's a jerk?

I'm going
to prove it to you.

How many people in the US
would like to have g*ns?

Too many. Thousands.

But how many people would
like to have VD?

None, but what does
that got to...

Case closed, buddy!
Case closed!

Get out of here.
Come on.

[DOORBELL RINGING]
[LOUD ARGUING]

I'll get it.

What do g*ns
have to do with VD?

Michael, there's no sense
in even arguing with him.

There's somebody
at the door.

Oh, hello, Lionel.
Come in.

Oh, no thanks, Mrs. Bunker.

I mean, I don't want to disturb
your quiet evening at home.

My mom just asked me
to drop off your cookbook.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute, Lionel.

Come on in. We're having
a little discussion.

I want to ask
you something.

Get out of the way, Edith.

Oh, I got to go.
Sorry, Mr. Bunker...

This will
only take a minute.

Come on, now,
here's a guy

who's sure
to agree with me.

Lionel, what
do your people think about g*ns?

Well, that depends
on who's holding them.

Daddy, how can you be
against g*n control

with all
the assassinations?

Look at it-- the Kennedys
and Martin Luther King,

and what about the sh**ting
of Governor Wallace?

I'm saying
maybe Governor Wallace

wouldn't have got shot
if had a rod in his mitt.

Because the governor was there.
He could have shot first.

Archie,
what would he be doing

walking around in a crowd
with a g*n?

What was the other bum doing
in a crowd with a g*n?

That's ridiculous, Archie!

You're talking about
a human being

who may be in a wheelchair
for the rest of his life.

Yes, and if that human being
had had a rod,

then the other human being
would be in a wheelchair.

Excuse me,
but, Lionel,

we're gonna be
late for the show.

EDITH:
Hi, Judy.

Hi, everybody.

Hold it, hold it.

Judy? Who's
Judy over here?

How come everybody
knows Judy but me?

Well, maybe that's
because you never met her.

Mr. Bunker, this is Judy.

Hello. It's nice
meeting you.

Hiya, pleased
to meet you.

Well, it's very nice,
young lady.

I mean, your going
out with Lionel here.

I didn't know
you done that, Lionel.

You're dating, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
We does all them things.

We dates, gets married.

Where'd you think
we all came from?

Well, bye, everybody.

ALL: So long.

Goodbye.

Bye there. Bye.

Daddy.

I will never understand
your attitude about g*ns.

You will never understand
my attitude about g*ns. Why not?

What does it take to get
through to you, Archie?

You know,
England has g*n control,

and they had less than
handgun murders last year.

The United States
had over , .

Those are statistics.

Don't feed me no sta-stistics.
Look at the facts here:

England, in World w*r II,
nearly lost.

We had to go over
and pull them out.

Why did they nearly lose?

Because they didn't have
no g*ns,

because, in my opinion,
England is a f*g country.

That's crazy.

I know it's crazy,

but they don't never
tell you that on TV.

Archie, we need more guys
like that station manager

speaking out against g*ns.

No, no, no!

We got too many of them
station master guys

paving the road to communism
in this here country.

What we need to hear more from
is ordinary Joes.

Oh, like you, I suppose?

That's right.

Fine. Good.
We'll give him a call.

Get away.

Come on.
What's the matter?
Get lost.

What? You got cold feet?

I ain't got
no cold feet.

Oh, you do too, Archie,
in bed.

You always got cold feet.

Edith...

Don't t*rture me, huh?

Mr. Bennett, please.
What is that?

Come on. You scared?

Get out of here.
I ain't scared of nothing.

Well, then, come on, prove it.
Talk to the station manager.

Yes, hello, I have a man here
who's interested in making

a rebuttal to your views
on g*n control.

What kind of a gag is that?
Yes, thank you.

That was his secretary.
She's putting him on.

You ain't got
nobody on there.

Hello, Mr. Bennett?

Yeah, yeah,
he's right here.

Get out of here.

Come on. You scared?

Give me that phone.

Hello. Who is this?

Huh?

Yeah, well, no, no, no.

See, I didn't make the call.

It was my son-in-law here
monkeying around, and, uh...

Oh, you're scared.

Hold the line. What?

You're scared.

I'm scared, huh?

Yeah, hello.

Listen,
this is Archie Bunker here,

and, uh, with regards
to your editorial

on the g*n control,

I demand equal time.

Look. Look, Mr. Martinez...

Mr. Martinez, this station
is not anti-Puerto Rican.

I would have loved
to have filmed

your Puerto Rican festival,

but I've only got
so many cameras.

No, no, no, no, no.

They're not all out filming
Cuban festivals

and Black Panther festivals.

Yes, I know you're a minority.

In this community,
most people are.

What am I?

I'm an American.

All right, Italian.

What do you mean, "Ah-hah"?

Mr. Martinez...

Hello?

Hello? Hel--

Excuse me, Mr. Bennett,

but while you were on the phone,
the gay people called again.

Put them through to Maurice.
He understands.

Oh, Mr. Bunker's still waiting.

Bunker?

The g*n nut.

Susan, don't talk like that.

That man is part
of our audience.

I'm sorry, sir.

Show the g*n nut in.

You can come in
now, Mr. Bunker.

Yeah, all right.

Hey...

you're him,
the guy on the TV there.

Come in, Mr. Bunker.

[LAUGHS]

Sorry to have kept you waiting.

Would you like
some coffee, or...

No, no, no, because
I just had my lunch here.

That's an antique.

No, that's brand-new.

I mean, the desk.

Oh, the desk, yeah.

Well, I noticed
when I was coming in here,

everything's
a little bit out of date,

but, uh, I guess you're
pretty comfortable, huh?

Well, now, Mr. Bunker,
we're always glad

to fulfill
our obligations

to the public...
and to the FCC.

What group did you
say you represented?

Uh, group?
What do you mean by group?

Well, on whose behalf

do you wish
to make this rebuttal?

Uh, I wish to rebuttal here
on behalf of me.

Just you?

[INTERCOM BUZZING]

Yes?

Who?

Rabbi Goldman?

All right, put him on.

Excuse me.

Yeah. Go ahead.

Hello, Rabbi.
What can I do for you?

Oh, but we had Rabbi Levine on
just last week.

I thought
he put the Jewish point of view

quite well.

What do you mean,
"Rabbi Levine's not Jewish"?

Oh, reformed doesn't count, huh?

Well, look,
why don't you drop me a line

and I'll see what I can do.

Fine.

Shalom to you too.

Excuse me.

Where were we?

What group did you say
you represented?

I just represent
a whole lot of guys

just like me--

I mean, down at work,
and in Kelsey's bar...

and I just want
to get on the TV there

and tell the public

that all this stuff
about g*n control

is, uh, excuse me, garbage...

because g*ns
is what made this here country

what it is today.

No argument.

g*ns is
red, white and blue American.

Just like apple pie.

That's right,

and I believe in seeing
two sides of the question

so that you can show
the other guy where he's wrong.

You know,
I never thought of that.

Yeah.

Like, for instance,
what you said about g*ns, now.

You see, that was wrong.

You said that
g*ns k*ll. Wrong.

People k*ll.
People k*ll.

That's right.

Okay, so how do you propose
to stop people k*lling people?

That's easy.
Bring back the death penalty.

Excuse me.

Go ahead.

Susan, will you
have Johnson

step in here
for a minute?

There's something
I want him to see

before it's extinct.

Ta-dah!

I did it, Ma.
I got the job!

Oh, Gloria,
that's wonderful!

Mike, Gloria got the job.

Really? Oh, congratulations,
honey. That's great.

Michael, I was
so nervous.

You know, I had
to cross my legs

so I wouldn't hear
my knees knocking.

Ain't that a coincidence?
Mine used to do that.

I remember my interview

with the Hercules
Plumbing Company.

I had to wrap my feet
around the legs of my chair

to keep my knees
from knocking together.

Did it work?

Oh, yeah,

except I forgot about it
when I started to stand up.

I fell
right over the boss's desk

and broke his clock radio.

Now hear this.

After dinner,
I'm taking all of us

down to Kelsey's bar
for a drink to celebrate.

Oh, great.
Oh, good.

Whoop-dee-doo!

Ah-hah! You think
I couldn't do it, but I done it.

Wait till you see.
You did it, Daddy?

Archie, that's wonderful!

Congratulations.

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

What did you do?

I rebuttaled that guy on TV
about the g*ns.

MICHAEL: You really went
down to that station?

Yeah.
Daddy, you were
on television?

Archie, you were
on television,

and we missed it?

Why didn't you call us
and tell us?

Because I knew I was
coming right home,

and I'm going
to be on there

in about two minutes.

Oh, wow.
He's going to be on.

This I got to see.
This I got to see.

Oh, Edith,
they couldn't wait

to get me on there.

They brought me
into a studio,

sat me down on a stool,
told me to do it right there,

and I done it there, on tape.

Really, Daddy?
In your own words?

Certainly, my own words,
little girl.

What else
do you think they wanted?

"Just say it into the camera
the way you said it to us."

Here, not yet.
[SHUTS OFF TV]

Oh, boy, Edith,

you should've
seen that camera.

Oh, with the wheels,
everything, the lights...

Did they make
you up, Daddy?
Sure.

Oh, no, Gloria,
they wouldn't have to do that.

Archie is real.

No. Ma, I mean makeup
to cover his : shadow.

Aw, nah. They just puffed
a little powder all over.

Yeah,
a little Helena Rubinstein.

Shut up.

And I blew it right off
after it was all over anyway.

And you really said
that g*ns were okay?

I certainly did,

and you know something

about that station master
down there?

The guy never fired off a g*n
in his life.

He admitted that to me.

So?

So?

Some crackpot who never
fired off a g*n in his life,

he wants to take the fun away
from all the other guys.

Yeah, that's right, Arch.
He's a regular killjoy.

Yeah, and talking about k*lling,

cars k*ll more people
in this country

than g*ns every year.

Did you know that?

And I told him that
on the TV too.

Archie, that's stupid.

Drivers don't mean
to k*ll people.

Oh, no?
You ain't driven a cab yet, bud.

Here we are,
here we are.

All right, everybody,
clam up now.

Oh, look what they did
to your hair.

ANNOUNCER:
... Mr. Archie Bunker,

speaking in reply
to the editorial broadcast

last Saturday.

Good evening, everybody.

This here is Archie Bunker
of Hauser Street,

veteran of the big w*r,

speaking on behalf
of g*ns for everybody.

Now question:

what was the first thing
that the communists done

when they took over Russia?

Answer: g*n control.

And there's a lot of people
in this country

want to do
the same thing to us here

in a kind of conspiracy, see?

You take your
big international bankers...

uh, they want to--
what do you call--

masticate the people
of this here nation

like puppets on a wing.

And then,
when they get that done,

turn us over to the commies.

Oh, Archie, I'm glad
they put you on a stool.

Shh, shh, shh.

You look taller
sitting down.

Shush!

Now I want to talk about

another thing that's
on everybody's mind today,

and that's yous stickups
and yous skyjackers,

which,
uh, if that was up to me,

I could end
the skyjackings tomorrow.

You could?

All you got to do
is arm all your passengers.

If he knows
the passengers are armed

and that he ain't got
no more superior-ority there,

then he ain't gonna dare
to pull out no rod,

and then you realize

that they wouldn't have

to search the passengers
on the ground no more.

They just pass out the pistols
at the beginning of the trip,

and they pick them up again
at the end.

Case closed.

That's incredible, Arch.

What do you mean, "incredible"?

What I said made
damn good sense to me,

even when I heard it

played back
on the television.

I hated every word you said,

but you sure came through
loud and clear.

Well, experience tells,
Meathead.

You don't command men
on a loading platform

without learning something.

Wow, this has
really been quite a day, Daddy.

You were on television
and I got a job.

Yeah.

It's him. You're him.

The guy I just saw
on television down the street.

Mr. Bunker.

That's right.
You seen the show?

Yeah. I want
to shake your hand.

Hey, gee, pleased
to meet you.

Hey, listen to this...
the public here.

Man, I really dug
what you said

about those g*ns.

I mean, I couldn't have
said it better myself.

Oh, I bet you're
real proud of him, huh?

[GLORIA AND EDITH AGREE]

Well, you know,
I'm just trying

to set the public straight
on something, that's all.

Like when you said,

"g*ns are what brings
law and order to our cities."

Yeah, and what sh**t
a hundred policemen a year.

Who's this?

He's only my son-in-law.
Don't pay no attention to him.

He's a meatheaded student,

and he don't know nothing
about the real world.

Listen, you ought
to listen to him.

Like when he said, quote:

"g*ns are just like
free speech."

Beautiful.

Well, the truth is beautiful.

Beautiful.
You said it all, fella.

Why don't you have a beer
with us?

Oh, no. Actually,
I got to get to work now.

Uh, Louis?

Put your money in the hat.

Huh?

Wallet! Wallet!

The wallets? All right,
don't sh**t, now.

Here, here, here.

Give me your wristwatch.

Oh, Archie.

Give it to him, Edith.
He'll k*ll me.

That's it now, folks.

Louis?

Oh, by the way,

Mr. Bunker,
did you pay for those drinks?

No.

Bartender?

The drinks are on me.

Bye-bye, everybody.

Bye-bye.

Leave me alone.

Get away from me!
What? What?

Just get away from me,
Meathead, that's all!

Took my wallet, all my dough...
my paycheck, everything gone.

Well, that proves
my point--

if he didn't
have a g*n

he wouldn't
have robbed us.

Well, if I had had a g*n,

he wouldn't have robbed us
neither.

When I reached for my wallet,

I'd pull out a p*stol,
and I'd give it to him.

Well, he'd have given it
to you too, Archie.

Aw!

Yeah, and then
you'd both be dead.

I don't care!

At least I'd have
more money than I got now!

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: All in the Family
was recorded

on tape before a live audience.