02x22 - Edith, the Judge

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

mom?
Hi. We're home.

Daddy? Daddy, you upstairs?
Anybody home?

Ma, you in the kitchen?

That's funny.
Sunday afternoon, nobody's home.

- You know what that means?
- No. What?

We got the whole house
to ourselves.

Michael, no.

Michael, yes.

Come here! Come here!
No, Michael. No.

Me, Tarzan. You, Jane.

We go up to tree house.

Oh, boy.
Jane putting on weight.

No, Tarzan.
I lost five pounds.

I think I found it.
Come. We go.

[ Gasps ]
Gloria! What happened?
Did you hurt your foot?

Oh. Hi, ma. No.
How are you?

Hi.

Oh.
[ Chuckles ]
I'm sorry.

Oh, uh, no. No, ma.
That's, uh, that's all right.

Where you been?
I had a special meeting
at the church.

We had a cake sale.
Guess what I got.

Uh, a cake.

You guessed right away.

They had so many
delicious things.
Oh. Hey, can I have a piece?

Oh, sure. Get a knife
and some plates, Gloria.

We made $
for a worthy cause.

Yeah?
What cause was that?

I don't know. That's what
the next meeting is about.

Where's Archie? How come
he's not home watching
the big football game?

I guess he's still
at the launderette.

You got daddy to go
to the launderette?
How'd you do that?

I just asked him.
And he said yes?

Yeah.
Right after he stopped yelling
and kicking the laundry bag.

All right,
now listen to me,
all of youse.

See what I'm doin' here?
I'm lockin' the door.
And youse all keep it locked.

Archie!
What's goin' on?
What happened?

Dummy up. Dummy up now
and I'll tell you.

That arab laundryman Joe girgis
is gonna be comin' over here
after me.

And when he comes,
we got to make like
there's nobody home, see?

And from now on, Edith,
don't you set foot in
his launderette no more.

I don't care what it costs,
go to the chinks.

But don't go near
that arab again.

Not unless you got
a dirty camel to wash.

I'm gonna sue
that Egyptian phony.

Arch. Arch.
He's not an Egyptian.
He's a Syrian.

It's the same thing!
They're born pirates,
all of them!

Here, look at
this here laundry.

It's in shreds,
every piece of it there.
Archie, what happened?

I took it into his place
and I stuck it in one
of them machines.

I turned it on,
the machine busts wide open,
there's a flood all over.

I run for my life.
I go down on one knee
and look at that.

My brand-new Sunday pants there,
tore 'em wide open.

I hurt my knee too.
Oh, no. I'm gonna sue that guy.

First thing in the morning,
I'm gonna get myself
a good Jew lawyer.

Archie, do you always
have to label people?

Why can't you just get a lawyer?
Why does it have to be
a Jewish lawyer?

'Cause when I'm gonna sue
an arab, I'm gonna get a guy
that's full of hate.

Archie, look at this.

You must have forgot
to separate the coloreds
from the whites.

Archie forget to separate
the coloreds from the whites?

Button your face.

Look, arch, I know you're upset,
but what do you want
to sue him for?

Why don't you
talk to him first?

I tried that.
How you gonna talk to a guy...

Who's screamin' and cryin'
at the same time?

I mean cryin'.
I mean real tears.

He's standing there.
They're comin' out of him
like a geyser.

Yeah.
Mr. girgis cries a lot.

They're all that way, them
arabs. It's in their blood,
that wailin'.

- What are you talking about?
- You never heard that?

Why do you think
those people got
the wailin' wall?

Archie, it's the Jewish people
who go to the wailing wall.

That's only on one side
of it, smart guy.

Who do you think is wailin'
on the other side?

By the way, where was youse two
when all that laundry
had to be took?

I went down to the library.
I had to look up a few things.
And I was helping him.

What was you doin',
readin' to him, huh?

Funny. Very funny. I'm doing
a paper on the supreme court.

What's more important--
your dirty laundry
or the supreme court?

The way Nixon's filling it,
what's the difference?

Don't talk to me!
Archie, can I get you
some lunch?

Is it lunchtime already?
Look, it's after : .

I'm missin'
the whole football game.
Get away from me, all of you!

I'd better see
if there's anything
in this we can save.

Gloria, will you help me?
Oh, sure.

Go on, the two of youse.
Count up all that
damage there,

'cause I'm gonna sue
that arab through the nose.

And remember, Edith,
all them clothes
is practically new.

[ Tv announcer ]
Ladies and gentlemen,
our national anthem.

Good. The national anthem.
That means they ain't
started yet.

We're in luck.
♪ oh, say can you see ♪

♪ by the dawn's
early light ♪

that is one terrible song.

Don't start up nothin'
with me, meathead.
I'm watchin' the game.

That's a beautiful song
and shut your face.

Arch, the song glorifies w*r.

And even as a song, it stinks.
Nobody can remember the words.

You gonna ruin
this game for me?
Can you remember the words?

Certainly, I can.
Come on, give me
the first few lines.

Give me that thing.
I'll turn it on as soon
as you give me the lines.

Oh, say can you see
by the dawn's early light...

What so proudly we hailed,
of thee I sing.

Wrong.
It ain't wrong.

It is too.
"Of thee I sing" is from
"my country 'tis of thee."

That's wrong.
What are you talking about?

The next line of the
"star-spangled banner" is "at
the twilight's last gleaming."

"At the twilight's
last gleaming" comes after
"of thee I sing."

You've just proven my point.
Nobody can remember the words
because they're rotten words.

Listen. "Oh, say, does
that star-spangled banner
ye-et wave?"

What kind of word is "ye-et"?

If it's
in the national anthem,
it's a good word!

"Ye-et"?

Yeah. "Ye-et."
I use it all the time.
Ye-et. Ye-et.

Now give me "tha-at"!

- What's all
the screaming about?
- The national anthem.

Oh. Did the singer
forget the words again?

[ Doorbell rings ]

I'll get it.
Oh, no, no, no.
Wait. Don't get nothin'.

I told you.
Get away from that door.

It's that arab
laundryman Joe girgis.

Now shush. Make like
there's nobody home.

I know you're in there,
Archie bunker! I see you
through the window!

He's seen you through
the window, Archie.

Did he, Edith?

Get away from there, girgis!
I ain't talkin' to you
except through a lawyer!

My name's pronounced "girgis,"
and I want to talk to you
right now!

Get off my stoop
or I'll sic the dog on you!

You ain't got a dog, bunker,
and you owe me money!

Archie, let him in.
The neighbors will hear.

You bet the neighbors will hear!
Archie bunker owes me money!

Hey, hey, girgis.
Listen, America!

Archie bunker owes me money!

Why, you common,
ignorant thing, you.

Why would you yell that way
on a Sunday afternoon?

You broke my best machine.
It's gonna cost me a good
bucks to fix it. Pay me!

Me pay you? Your dumpy
machine ruined my laundry!
You owe me money.

Edith made it out to worth
about or , $ there.

Some of our best haberdashery
was in that load, right, Edith?

Oh, yeah. There was six pairs
of fruit of the loom shorts--

stifle yourself!

That laundry you ruined
was worth a small fortune.

That's right.
Eighty-nine cents a pair.

Get over there
and eat cake, will you?

You ruined my best washer.

The machine I started
my business with.
My first top-loader.

Never a day's trouble.
Never stopped. Never leaked.
Never jammed.

Then along you come with
your lousy fruit of the looms
and tear the guts out of it.

Oh. Get a load of this here.

There goes the geyser again.

We're gonna have to put down
newspaper for this guy.

- Leave the guy alone.
- Will you go and help
your mother eat cake?

You got some nerve comin'
over here and sayin' that
about that machine.

That machine was ready
for the junk pile.

That machine was a jewel
until you overloaded it.

I'm telling the truth,
as God is my judge.

God? What God? Allah?

Allah don't
cut no ice around here.

What are you talking about?
I'm a methodist.

A methodist?
Maybe comin' through
the immigration you was.

But you started facin' east
as soon as you got an apartment.

No, buddy,
I'm gonna sue you.

If anybody's gonna sue,
it's gonna be me.
You ain't got a leg to stand on.

That's what I'm gonna
sue you about. Look at that.
A hole in my Sunday pants.

Probably a torn "filament"
right there in the kneecap.

Oh, no, buddy,
I'm gettin' a lawyer after you.

Then I'll get
a lawyer too.

Wait a second.
You're not gonna use a lawyer
for a case like this.

You're gonna have to go
to a small-claims court.

You're not gonna be
able to do that...

Because you know
you guys ain't gonna be able
to afford to miss work.

So why don't you
settle it yourselves?

You get somebody
to act impartial,
sort of a referee.

Somebody you both trust.
You tell them what happened,
let them decide.

That's a good idea.
We'll get someone
who's fair and honest.

In New York? Oh, geez!

How about the reverend feltcher?
He's fair and honest.

That's when he's workin'.
We don't know what
he does on his off-duty.

Maybe Dr. Evans
would come over.

Come on. What do you think,
he's Marcus welby?
He don't make no house calls.

I got it. I know someone.
The lady I'm thinking about
is perfect for the job.

Hold it. When you say lady,
no dice. Women is out.

Daddy, you're such
a male chauvinist.

In this day and age,
how can you say that?

Like this here--
no women.

But the lady I'm talkin'
about is your wife.
Huh?

- Oh, my.
- Yeah. You know anybody
more honest?

Well, uh--
will you do it,
Mrs. bunker?

Oh, no, Mr. girgis.
I couldn't do that.

You see, I'm Archie's wife.

Hold it. Everybody knows
you're my wife.
Sure you're my wife.

But that's got nothin'
to do with anythin'.

But, Archie, a judge
has to be impartial.

Edith, you can be married to me
and still be impartial there.

What are you talkin' about?
It's a good idea, girgis.
How come you thought of Edith?

Well, she was one
of my first customers.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Yeah.

She's been comin'
to my place twice a week
for seven years now.

Wonderful woman.
Always fair.

Never tried to jump her turn
and push her way ahead
of another customer.

Never asked me for change.

Always came with
her own quarters.

What the hell's
the matter with him now?
I told you he was like that.

I remember at the grand opening
of his launderette...

He cried all the way
through the first rinse.

Girgis, uh, uh, listen,
it'll be all right.

I'll talk Edith into doin'
it for you, huh,
bein' the judge.

Let's get started.
Why don't you dry your eyes?

I'll try.
Yeah. Geez.

Can I use the bathroom?
You want to use the bathroom?
Sure. Go on upstairs, girgis.

It's the first door
on the right, top of the stairs
up there, huh?

Hey, hey. Come on, Edith.
Let's get started.
You bein' the judge, huh?

Oh, Archie, no.
I don't know.

People will be expectin' me
to be so smart and all.

I don't think I can.
What are you worried
about there, Edith?

You can do it. You'll be
the best little judge
that marriage can buy.

Listen, youse two,
when girgis comes down here,
let's get this thing over with.

Don't be holdin' up the works
with none of your screwball
arguments, huh?

Hey, girgis!

We're ready to get started.
What are you doin' up there,
readin'?

I'll be down in a minute.

What are you doin' here?
We ain't gonna have
no coffee clutch.

We're tryin' to have
a little court, that's all.

Oh, Archie, I'm so worried
about bein' a judge.
It's a big responsibility.

Why? It's
an open-and-shut case.

Open-and-shut?
Ma hasn't heard
the evidence yet.

She's gonna hear the evidence.
I want her to hear the evidence.

I just don't want the evidence
to get in the way, that's all.

- In the way of what?
- In the way, Edith,
of a fair and honest decision.

Oh, Archie, you know
I'll do the honest thing.

Yeah-- oh,
hold it, hold it, Edith.

Now you know
there's such a thing as
bein' overhonest, you know?

And any real judge will
tell you that that's bad.

Bad? Why?

Overanything is bad, Edith.
Overworkin', overeatin'.

"Ipso fatso," then
overhonest is bad too.

Daddy, you stop trying
to influence ma's decision.

I ain't tryin' to
influence her decision!

I'm only tryin'
to help her out here.
She's got a tough job...

Tryin' to decide between that
crook up there in the toilet--
shh!

Between that crook
up there in the toilet...

And her husband
who's been workin' for her
for the past years, right?

Yeah, yeah.
So you got a very
tough job, that's all.

Oh, don't worry, Archie.
I will render a fair
and impartial verdict...

Without fear nor favor,
so help me God.

Where'd you learn that?
Perry Mason reruns.

Aw. Yeah.

[ Toilet flushing ]

At last, king farouk
is off the throne up there.

Now when he comes down,
make everythin' look fair, huh?

Just try to forget
that you remember
that I'm your husband.

Don't worry, Archie.
When it comes to the decision,
I'll forget everything.

Well, is her honor
the judge ready?
Oh, yeah.

Yeah. We're all set.
Where you goin'?
Where you goin'?

I'm goin' out. 'Cause first
the judge has to come in.

Edith, come on, will you?
You're already in.
Get over here.

Sit down.
All you got to do is just
hear what I gotta say.

What you gotta say?
What about me?
Don't I have a say?

Certainly, you got a say,
after I say what I gotta say.

I wanna talk first.
Yeah. That's exactly it--
come on. Be fair.

Wait a second!
Wait a second! Hold it!
What? What? What?

You got a judge.
Why don't we exercise
a little courtroom procedure?

Ma, you're the judge.
You sit in the judge's chair.

That's my chair.
I want the judge to sit there.

He wants the judge to sit there.
All right, get in there.

Mr. girgis,
you sit over there.
Where am I gonna go?

You're gonna sit over here.
How come I'm gettin'
a hard chair?

What's the difference?
Sit here, will you?

Come on, get it
over with! Let's go.

Oh, yes, oh, yes.
This court is now in session.

The honorable Edith j. Bunker,
presiding. All rise--

will you quit foolin' around
and get on with this thing here?

I'm just tryin'
to do it right.
Sit down over here!

Let's get started. Edith,
this is what happened here.

I go into his laundry,
go over to his first
broken down machine--

- wait. It still hasn't
been decided you go first.
- I decided. It's my house.

Hold it. It's proper courtroom
procedure for the judge
to decide who speaks first.

Oh, all right.
The judge will decide.

Eeney-meeney-miney-moe,
catch a tiger--

hold it!
What are you doin'?

Well, I'm chosin' firsts.

Out goes y-o-u.

Mr. girgis, you go first.

Oh, gee, judge,
that was so fair.

All right, girgis,
you heard the judge here.

Stand up in front of the judge
and speak your piece.

Look at this.
The dope is doin' it.

This morning,
Archie bunker came to my
place with a lot of laundry.

And I says to Archie,
"you got to use two machines."

But does he? No.

No. Cheapskates here
is tryin' to save cents,

and he pushes
pounds of laundry into
one machine and overloaded it...

And the machine busted a strut.

You never said
I got to use two machines.
Maybe you said I oughta.

- Big deal! It's the same thing!
- The hell it is the same thing!

Your honor. As bailiff,
I object to the use
of that kind of language.

And I suggest that
it not be tolerated.

[ Blows raspberry ]

Your honor, look at that.
Look what he did there.

All right.
All right, bailiff.

Mr. bunker,
the court says shame on you.

Your honor, I remember now.

I didn't say
"oughta" or "gotta." I said,
"you have to use two machines."

You never said nothin'
of the kind, you big liar!

Your honor,
as the bailiff's wife, I object
to this kind of language.

That's right.
And I suggest that Mr. bunker
be held in contempt of court.

Until you start
payin' rent around here,
you're in contempt of house!

Now clam up and sit down.

Mr. bunker--
what? What? What?

The court is warning you
for the last time.

Shame, shame.
Everybody knows your name.

Listen, Edith,
if you don't mind--
I mean, judge.

Could I, uh--
what do you call--
"encroach" the bench?

Yes, you may.

I just wanna ask you
somethin' private...

Without Florence of Arabia
tunin' in here.

Could I ask the court
for a little favor, huh?
Sure, Archie.

Will you cut the crapola,
you dingbat, and pick a winner?

I heard that.

What a terrible thing to say
to a wonderful woman
and a good customer.

But that doesn't surprise me.

Any man who has no respect
for a fine machine
like my top-loader...

Can't have any respect for
a fine woman and a top person.

Come on, laundryman.
Stop soft-soapin' and tryin'
to "deterge" the judge here.

Just say what you gotta say
and get it over with.

I will. I got signs
all over my place
telling you what to do.

Big letters--
"twelve-pound limit
per machine."

You can't miss it!
But he missed it!

I didn't miss nothin'.
My load was pounds
on the nose.

My eye told me it was
pounds if it was an ounce.

- I told you to weigh it.
- I weighed it.

Not on my scale!
On my Macy's
bathroom scale,

new from
Christmas ' up there,
it was pounds even.

It was not on my scale
and that's what's important!
Order! Order!

I can't be judge no more.
What do you mean?

I resign.
Wait a minute.
Come here.

Don't let Archie
intimidate you.

You can't resign
in the middle of a trial.

Then if I can't resign,
I call a recess.

Come on, Edith.
Wait a minute. Come here.
Ma--

listen, girgis,
come on, let's stop
all this court malarkey, huh?

Can't we get together
and settle this thing like
two intelligent persons?

What do you want to do?
All you got to do is pay me
what you owe and get out.

That isn't the way
we decide this.

Ma, you got a headache?
No. But I'm gonna have one.

Because I know who's guilty,
and Archie's gonna be so mad.

Oh, boy.
He can't be mad at you...

'Cause you're his wife,
and it's the judge who's
making this decision.

But it's his wife
he's gonna be mad at.

[ Archie ]
Edith, get in here!
I don't know what to do.

Ma, you're the judge.
You've got to be impartial.

If you've made a decision,
you've got to stick to it.
Come on.

[ Archie ]
Come on, Edith. We're waitin'.
Everybody take their place.

Edith, will you just
give us the decision?

The decision is...

I'm a hung judge.

What the hell
does that mean?

It means I can't
make a decision.

But, ma--
in the kitchen,
you said you made your mind up.

Mrs. bunker, you promised.
We want a decision.
We want it now!

All right.

The court says...

Archie, you ain't guilty.

Naturally.
At last.

You satisfied, arch?
You corrupted
the last honest person.

Get out of here.
You heard the decision.
Get lost.

Mrs. bunker, I'm truly
disappointed in you.

See, I picked you because
I thought you'd be fair.
But I was wrong.

If you can say to me
that this man is not guilty--

- but, Mr. girgis--
- wait.

Wait. I'm entitled to make
one final statement.

If you can say to me
that this man is not guilty...

Of putting pounds
of very dirty laundry...

Into a -pound-limit,
top-load machine,

the prize of my fleet,

then I say to you
there's no justice
in the borough of queens.

Mr. girgis, don't cry.
You ain't guilty either.

What?
What?

Ma, that's no decision.
Somebody's got to be guilty.

Somebody is-- me.

What are you talkin' about?
You're the judge.
You can't be guilty.

Archie, it's my fault
our laundry was too heavy.

You see, I set the scale
back five pounds.

The bathroom scale up there?
Yeah. I did it for you.

But why?
You know how mad you get
when you gain a few pounds.

Don't talk to me!

You ain't guilty.
I'm guilty.
What's the difference?

You or me, I'm the guy
that's gotta pay!
Oh, geez.

What are you
cryin' about now?
You heard. You won.

I'm cryin' because I'm happy.

I mean,
this woman has redeemed
my faith in human nature.

Thank you. Thank you.
I'm sorry.

I'll send you the bill
in the morning.

Good-bye, everybody.

Get out of my chair.

Daddy, don't be angry.

You didn't want ma
to lie, did you?

Who's talkin' about lyin'?

I'm talkin' about families
stickin' together.

Oh, Archie, I believe
in families stickin' together.

But if I hadn't told the truth,
you'd never be able
to trust me again.

And then how could we
stick together?

You have ruined
another Sunday.

You know, Archie,
I was thinkin' about that
king in the Bible-- Solomon.

Remember the story about
the two women who was
fightin' over the baby...

And they asked Solomon to judge
who was the real mother?

And Solomon called
for a sword and said,

"divide the living child
in two...

And give one half to
the first woman and one half
to the second woman."

And the first woman said,
"no. Don't hurt the child.
Give it to her."

And the second woman said,
"no. Cut the child in two."

But Solomon said,
"the child will not be hurt.

"Give it to the first woman.

Because her love has proved
that she's the real mother."

Oh, my. That Solomon,
he was so smart.

That's my point exactly,
Edith.

I should have got
a smart Jew after that arab.

[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.