02x18 - Archie Sees a Mugging

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

♪ don't sit under
the apple tree ♪

♪ with anybody else but me ♪

♪ no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ with anybody else but me ♪

♪ no, no, no, no, no, no ♪

- ♪ with anybody else but me
no, no ♪
- Michael?

Hey, ma,
have you seen Michael?

Oh, Gloria,
you won't believe this.

He and Archie
went out together.

Mother, no.
Without adult supervision?
[ Chuckling ]

Archie was out of cigars,
and he asked Mike...

To take a walk with him
down to the store.

Oh, Gloria,
it was wonderful.

Archie was laughing.

And he said he was taking a walk
with his favorite son-in-law.

Daddy said that?

And it's all thanks
to pee wee Reese.

Who's pee wee Reese?
Oh, some football player.

I think they called him pee wee
because he was a short stop.

No, ma, that's "shortstop."
So the game was baseball.

Oh, well, anyway,
Archie was having an argument
with Mr. mcnab...

About who was
the best shortstop ever,

and Mike said
that mcnab was wrong
and Archie was right,

and that was the start
of a beautiful friendship.

That's great,
but I wonder how long
it's gonna last.

Keep away from me, meathead.

Shutting the door in my face
is not gonna change things.

Shutting the mouth
in your face might help.

All right.
What's happened?

What happened?
You wanna know what happened?
He saw what happened.

I didn't see nothing.
Now stay off my back.

How would you like it
if you were Tony?
Well, I ain't Tony.

Tony who?
Tony vicino.

The shoemaker? I thought
you went out to get cigars.

That's right.
I went out just to do
a little peaceful shopping.

With your favorite son-in-law.

Stifle that.

Why don't you admit it?
You saw it.

I didn't see no muggin'.

Tony mugged somebody?

No, Edith.
Tony wasn't the mugger.
He was the "muggee."

Yeah. Yeah,
and Archie was right there,
and he says he didn't see it.

Archie, it is your duty
as a citizen to come forward
and be a witness.

That's okay for students
and the unemployed,

which in your case
is one and the same thing.

I happen to be a working man.
I don't get paid if
I turn up for work absent.

Oh, you hear that reasoning?
"I'll do the right thing
if they pay me."

If you're a witness
in one of these things,
you know what you gotta do?

Put on a shirt and tie.
You gotta go down to court,

wait for that case
to be called up,
which who knows when.

Then by the time it gets
called up, you forget
what you was gonna say,

some lawyer makes a monkey
out of you, and it all
goes down on your record.

So because of
a little inconvenience,
you don't want to get involved.

Listen, let me explain something
to you, huh? Shut up!

You hear that, Gloria?
What are you looking at?

You see? That's how he
settles everything.

Michael, calm down.
We don't know what's going on.
Tell us what happened.

Archie and I
went into the deli--
just a minute.

I'll tell it.
You better tell the truth.

Forget the truth.
Listen to me.

The two of us went down
to the deli, see?

To get that six-pack
and some cigars for me.

Now, this guy is yapping
so much about baseball
that I leave the shop,

and I'm halfway down
the street, and I see
I'm all out of cigars.

I left them on the counter
back there.
So I ran back to get them.

Will you
let me tell the story?

So he runs back to get them.

So I'm standing there
on the street,
and all of a sudden, someone--

I don't know who--
jumps Tony vicino,
the shoemaker,

when he's closing up
his little joint
and steals his cash box.

- Now, that's the story.
- Except that Archie was there,
and he saw the whole thing.

Listen, my being there
don't prove nothing.

I was in Italy during the w*r.

That don't mean
I seen mussolini.

That's right.

Archie would've told us
if he'd seen mussolini.

Don't help me, huh, Edith?

Aren't you always the one
who's saying that
it's a jungle out there?

It's gonna get worse
until somebody stands up
and says, "I saw."

How can you be so certain
daddy saw the mugging?

Will you stay out
of this, please?
Hold it.

She's making sense.
A man ought to listen
to his wife.

- Archie--
- dry up.

Archie, you know you saw it!

How do you know what I know?
You don't even know
what you know, schoolboy.

That's what makes you
a meathead!
And you're a dumb polack!

Huh?
Huh? You see?

How does it feel when
the shoe's on the other foot?
Not too good, huh?

You don't like it, huh?
It bothers you, huh?

Well, you're a dumb polack!
[ Forced laughter ]

You belong in a rubber room.

He's sick.
You better put him to bed.

Did you hear that?
Let me out of here.

Archie,
what is this all about?

Did you ever hear anything
like that in your life?

Yeah, lots of times,
right here.

He must've
learned it from you.

Now, you stifle yourself.

He's got some
hell of a nerve telling me
that I gotta be a witness.

You can't be a witness
if you didn't see nothing.

That's it, Edith. That's it.
Thank you very much.

You're welcome, Archie.
But if you did see something--

now, wait a minute.
Whose side are you
gonna be on?

Yours, Archie. I know
you'll do the right thing.

Just ask yourself,
what do you feel in your heart?

Heartburn, Edith!

Now find me some
bicarbonate soda.
Right away.

I don't care
what you say, Michael.
It was a rotten thing to do.

I'm sorry, all right?
I shouldn't have
said that to his face.

- It was stupid
and uncalled-for.
- All right!

I said I was sorry.
What more do you want?

I'm sorry I said that to him,
and I'm sorry I was happy
when his face turned purple.

All right, Michael.
I understand.
You lost your temper.

But that's no reason
to call daddy a liar.

Gloria, I'm telling you,
Archie saw Tony being mugged!

You didn't see him
see it, did you?

Well, no, but--
then don't go around
accusing people.

You're not always right.
You could be wrong, you know.

It is possible.
You could be wrong.

Just once
I'd like to hear you say,
"I could be wrong."

All right.
I could be wrong.
Good.

But not this time.

[ Phone ringing ]

Hello!
Excuse me. Hello.

Just a minute, please.
Daddy, it's for you!

[ Archie ]
Who is it?
Mrs. vicino!

Geez, I don't wanna talk to her.
Did you tell her I was here?
Take a message.

I'm sorry, Mrs. vicino.
He can't speak to you
at the moment.

May I please take a message?
Shh, shh, shh!

Oh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

All right, Mrs. vicino.
Yes, I'll ask him.

Yeah. Okay. Bye-bye.

- What? What? What?
- Daddy, Mrs. vicino
wants to know...

When you're going
to the police station
and tell them what you saw.

You put a lid on that,
little girl. I told you
I didn't see nothing.

- Daddy, you're lying.
- How dare you say
your father is lying!

Because Mr. vicino
said that you were there
and saw everything.

[ Groans ]
Archie, is that true?

Listen, how could that shoemaker
be sure of what he's seen,

after he fell down
on the sidewalk
and bumped his noggin there?

You saw, arch.
You saw.

If I was you,
I couldn't live with myself.

Well, you ain't
living with yourself.
You're living with me.

Michael, I apologize.
You were right.
Daddy, you lied to us!

Listen, it ain't lying
to try to protect
yourself and your family.

What?
If anything happened to me,

this meathead couldn't keep you
in bubblegum.

Oh, come off that bull, arch.

What could happen?
It was just an ordinary mugging.

"An ordinary little mugging,"
that's all.

What do you know?
I was there.

You didn't see nothing.
I seen it.

Suppose I was to tell you
that that was done by
two mugs in blue silk suits...

Riding in the back
of a big sedan that comes
screeching up to the curb?

Come on, arch.
What are you trying to hand us?

That's right.
There was a big black,

probably bulletproof Cadillac
or something.

Big bulletproof Cadillac?

That's right.
You was in the store,
and you never seen it.

Daddy, are you
trying to tell us
they were gangsters?

Listen, little girl,
did you ever stop to think
of the kind of a name vicino is?

Tony vicino? Antonio vicino?

That's a nice name, Archie.

It's musical.

♪ Antonio vicino ♪

stop that. Stop that.
Stop that. Stop that!
Stop that! Stop that!

What I'm trying
to tell you is...

That that is an Italian name--
vicino.

It's worse than that.
It's a sicilian-Italian name.

Are you trying to tell us that
the mafia is mixed up in this?

Bingo, buddy. That's what
I'm trying to protect
me and my family against.

I wanna tell you something.
Them sicilians
is famous for two things--

spaghetti and revenge.
[ Doorbell buzzing ]

Don't answer that door.
Get away from that door.

I don't want you
talking to nobody.

Now, stay over there.

Mr. bunker?
Aw, geez.

Listen,
I know what you're here for,
and I didn't see nothing.

May I come in?
I'd just like to ask you
a few questions anyway.

All right.
If you wanna, come on.

I'll tell you up front
that I ain't no--

what do you call--
a witness to that there event.

That's right, officer.
Archie said he didn't
see no muggin'.

He didn't see nothin',

except a big
bulletproof Cadillac
from the mafia.

Aw, geez!

I think maybe
you'd better come with me
down to the precinct...

And make a complete statement
to the detectives.

Wait a minute, officer.
I'll tell you how
I couldn't have see nothin'.

The mugger
was over here, see?

I'm facing
in this direction here.

You're facing
in that direction.
That's right.

You know, like they say,
position is
nine-tenths of the law.

Huh?
Yeah.

See, the reason I'm doing that
is there's a wind
coming from this way.

I'm standing facing this way
so I can light one of my cigars.

Back here you said you
were out of cigars.
So what were you lighting?

- Who said I was out of cigars?
- You did, arch.

You told them
I went to get the cigars.

You wanna get your coat,
Mr. bunker?

Archie will be right back,
Mr. vicino.

Sit down, won't you?

Oh, Archie will be
so glad you're here.

He was at the police station
last night for three hours.

What a guy, huh?
A person like your Archie...

Makes you feel real good
to belong to the human race.

Yeah, maybe one of these days
we'll get him to join it.

Nah, you young fellows
can take a lesson
from Mr. bunker. Get involved.

I suppose that's why daddy took
so long at the police station,
'cause he was so involved.

Oh, sure.
He said the police made him look
through books of pictures,

but none of them looked
like the two men.

Two men?
In silk suits.

- And a big car.
- What big car?

Is that what he told the cops?

[ Blubbers ]
It's as cold out there
as a well-digger's butt.

Hey, bunker.

- Vicino, what are you
doing here?
- Mr. vicino came over...

To thank you
for going to the police.

Oh. Well,
I'm glad for your--
what do you call--

gratification and all that,
but I was only doing my duty.

And drop in some other time.
Now, wait a minute.

What's this about
a big car and two guys?
There was only one guy.

Hey, what did you say?
He said he was just leaving.

No, wait a second.
No car? Just one guy?

No car.
Just one lousy punk.

Here. I'll show you.
He comes around behind me
and grabs me like this, see?

Yeah.
I can see
his leather jacket,

but I can't see his face.

But I can see bunker
standing there, staring
right at me and the mugger.

- Then you did see it.
- You stay out of this.

Do your homework
or something, huh?

The kid's right.

You saw.
I know you saw.

Aw, you ain't got
no witnesses to that.

He knows you saw.

Oh, why are you
dragging him into this?

He sees everything.

He knows everything we do.
Get out of here.

You don't really
believe that.
Yes, I do!

Then how come youse people
are always running
to confession,

telling him what's happening?

- Daddy, you shouldn't say that.
- No, let him.

Let him.
Now we're getting the truth.

It's because I'm catholic
that you ain't helping me.

That ain't the truth.
I'd say the same thing...

Even if you belonged
to the right church.

Aha!
Oh!

Garlic, proof.

Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
What? What?

Oh, boy, oh, boy!
What? What?

Michael, look at that.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy!

"Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!"
Come on. What is it?

Read it, Gloria.

"Mafia execution attempt.
Yesterday in queens,

"members of the syndicate
allegedly made
an unsuccessful attempt...

On the life
of shoe repairman,
Tony vicino."

Oh, boy!
Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Don't you "oh, boy."
Go stand over by them.

The mafia!
Now you're tying me
in with the mafia! Me!

Wait a minute.
Listen to this.

"Two mobsters in blue
silk suits were seen
speeding from the crime...

By a Mr. Archie bunker
of hauser street."

Mama Mia, the mafia!
That's big trouble.

Yeah, and Archie's
the one who's in it.

Huh?
You know what
you've done, arch?

You've fingered the mafia.
What are you talking about?

You know how many people are
reading that? You know what the
circulation of that paper is?

, , .

Will you stifle yourself.

[ Phone ringing ]
Answer the phone.

I don't want to talk.
I don't even want to know
who it is.
Hello.

I can't get over it.
Only two men in history
have ever fingered the mafia--

Joe villacci
and now Archie bunker.

[ Laughing ]

What's so funny?
What are you laughing about?

Maybe you tying me in
with the mafia is gonna
cost me some business,

but you know
what it's gonna cost you?
[ Mimics slashing sound ]

I don't have to tie you in
with the mafia.

You was born Italian.
I didn't tell you to do that.

For every gangster, there are
millions of hard-working,
honest Italian people.

Dummy up.
He's right.

How would you like it if I say
just because you're stupid,

all bunkers are stupid?

Stupid bunker. Stupid bunker.

Stupid bunker.
Stupid bunker number one.

Now, that ain't right.
Isn't it better if I say,

"nice bunker, nice bunker,
nice bunker, stupid bunker"?

Don't you like that better?
Why don't you sit down,
Mr. vicino?

I'll make some coffee.
Coffee?
What do you mean, coffee?

I ain't running a diner here.
Who was that on the phone?

I thought you said you
didn't wanna talk to nobody.

That was before. I wanna know
who it was. I don't want
to be kept ignorant.

I don't think you can change
at your age, arch.

[ Laughing ]

Pipe down
and dummy up, meathead.
Now, who was that?

It was a Mr. Ralph silvestri.

He's coming over
to talk to you.

Well, who is Mr. silvestri?

He said he was from
the pro-italia society.

Oh, good night! Nice, Edith.
Don't you know what that is?

What are you worried about?
It's just an Italian
antidefamation group.

It's just another cover name
for the mafia.
That's all it is.

You told silvestri
I'm here, Edith?
Don't you know what that means?

The guy'll be probably
coming over here to give me
one of them eternal kisses.

Why don't you leave town?
We can tell him you went
to visit your godfather.

I don't think
Archie has a godfather.

Edith, go to bed,
will you?

But it's still morning.
Then sit down here!

How am I gonna convince
them mafia torpedoes
it's all a mistake?

Why don't you try
telling the truth?

Wait a minute.
I got an idea.

Hey, vicino,
you're Italian.

That's a-what
my mama told me.

All right.
Now, look, you gotta
talk to these guys, you see?

I mean, they'll understand you.
You know their lingo.

You know their hand signals
and everything there.

There's only one hand signal
I know for the spot you're in.

What's that?

Aw, cut that out!
Vicino, be serious.

Listen, you gotta tell the mafia
that it wasn't them
who did that muggin'.

They'll believe it
comin' from you.

One wop to another, huh?
Sure.

No, no, no.

I mean one human being
to another.

Come on, vicino.
You gotta help me.

Now you're asking me
for help, huh?
[ Doorbell buzzing ]

Don't answer that.
That's that guy silvestri.

Oh, come on, arch.
You're seeing too many movies.

Mr. bunker?

Oh, hiya there.
Hiya. Hiya. Hey, listen.

It wasn't you guys that done
that muggin' at all.

I was just telling that
to Tony vicino.

Here's Tony
standing right over here.
Ain't that right, Tony?

No capisce.

[ Archie ]
Tony, where you going?
♪ arrivederci, bunker ♪

I came out to check out
your story about a car
and two men in silk suits.

There was no car,
no two men in silk suits,
nothin'.

Then you lied, Mr. bunker.
Yeah, I lied.

Archie, maybe that's
why he didn't kiss you.

Don't help me, huh, Edith?

I wanna thank you
for not doing that.

I'll tell you
who done the muggin' though.

It was a longhaired
blond kid.

Now, this is the truth.
He didn't even look Italian.

I think he was a German.

He was tall, and he had
a black leather jacket on.

A black leather jacket, huh?

You're not gonna change
your story again, are you?

No. No, no, no. That's
the story. This is it, I swear.
[ Doorbell buzzing ]

Oh, hey,
that's our front doorbell.

That means there's somebody
out there. Yeah.

We got people coming in and out
of here all the time.

You know,
what you call witnesses
to everything.

Mr. bunker.
Yeah, what?

I'm Ralph silvestri.

We already got one.

I mean, y-y-you're
Ralph silvestri?
Yeah.

Then who are you?

Detective sergeant Perkins.

Detective sergeant Perkins?
Hey-hey!

Hey, sergeant, I'm glad
to see you in the house.

Hey, stay a while.
Ask me all the questions
you want.

I'll talk to you later.
I don't want to keep you
from your friend.

Oh, I wish you would,
sergeant.

- Hey, listen, uh,
this here is Mr. silvestri.
- Ralph.

Yeah, well, Ralph, uh,
look at this--

sergeant Perkins
from the police.

Excuse me, but I can't
stay long. I wanna talk
to you private. Come here.

Come on, sergeant.
There ain't nothing private
in this house.

I gotta get back
to the station.
Wait a minute.

You can't leave me alone
with this here guy.

Look, I can't
hang around here.

But I want to see you tomorrow
down at the station
at : in the morning.

What for?
To make
a complete statement.

Now, get it clear
in your mind, bunker,
because under the law,

you could be charged
with making a false statement
to a police officer.

A false--
what could you get for that?
One year or $ .

Oh, geez. Sergeant, wait
a minute. Hey, wait a minute.
Listen to me, sergeant.

This guy silvestri here,
don't he worry you?

Bunker,
get ahold of yourself.

Come here.

We read about you
in the paper this morning.
Nice, huh?

So we get a call from
one of the members in my club.

He says, "ralphie,
you live in the neighborhood.

Why don't you drop in
on Mr. bunker
and straighten him out?"

Straighten me out?

Your language.
[ Popping sound ]

See, it reflects very bad
on the members of our club.

Look, I'm talking about
that five-letter word
which begins with "m."

Oh!
Am I making myself clear?

Yeah, well, listen,
I don't think I ever
even heard of that word.

Maybe I can help you.

A five-letter word
beginning with "m"--

Edith, the man ain't here
to play crosswords.

Let me explain something to you.
I just dropped by to tell you...

That that organization
which you mentioned
this morning in the paper,

it don't exist.

It's defunct.
Well, listen,
anything you say.

We don't say that word.

It's not a very nice word.

You see, even in this movie,
the godfather,

which is about that
defunct organization,

even they don't use that word.

I know the word. "Mafia."

Lady, lady, even the FBI
don't use that word.

You know what the FBI
calls organized crime?

Organized crime.

A better word.

In that statement I made
to the police there,

I didn't use no words
like "kosher nostras," see?

Or that other mmm word.

I ain't never gonna use
them words no more.

Good, bunker.
That's all I wanted to know.

I gotta go.
The wife and kids
are waiting in the car.

Bye-bye, everybody.
[ Stammers, laughs ]

Hey, by the by, the cop--

you mentioned something
about a year in the can
and bananas.

That ain't gonna make you
change what you just said?

No, no, no.
I told the truth just now.

I mean,
I was honest this time.

Good, bunker.
It pays to be honest...

All the time.

And remember, you heard it
from silvestri, huh?

Bye-bye,
every beautiful people.

Hey, Michael, you don't
really think the police
will put daddy in jail...

For making
a false statement, do you?

- I don't know. It's hard to s--
- [ Gloria ] Daddy!

Archie, what happened?
They're not gonna put you
in jail, are they?

What are you talking about,
put me in jail?

Gee. They ain't even
gonna press no charges.

That's wonderful.
Oh, good.

- What happened?
- Oh, nothing much.

You know that guy silvestri
that was here?

Turned out
to be a pretty nice guy.

Down at the station house
he put in a good word for me.

Was it a five-letter word
beginning with "m"?

You're a pip, Edith.
You know that? A real pip.

[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.