02x17 - Mike's Mysterious Son

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

♪ [ humming ]

[ Doorbell ringing ]
Coming!

Oh!
Is Michael stivic here?

I'm afraid not.
Can I help you?

Well, you see,
I've had something of his
for four years,

and now I'd like
for him to have it.

Oh.

That's very nice of you.
What is it?

His son.

Son?
Oh, no!

No, miss--
I mean, come back!

I don't think--
please!

Missus--
oh, my!

She's made
a terrible mistake,
little boy.

Was that lady your mommy?

And Mike--

oh, my.
What are we gonna do?

You see,
Gloria is upstairs.

Well, here,
take off your coat.

I'm sure your mommy
will be right back...

As soon as she finds out
it's the wrong house.

What's your name?

Is it Billy?

Jimmy? Tommy?

Will you tell me
if I guess it?

Oh, dear.
[ Gloria ]
Ma, are you talking to Michael?

Uh, just a minute,
Gloria.

You see, that's Gloria.

Now, don't let on
why you're here.

Uh, it-it ain't Michael,
Gloria.

Your name ain't Michael,
is it?
[ Footfalls descending stairs ]

Hey, ma,
what a cute little boy.
Where did he come from?

I don't know.

I-I mean, I do know.
Oh, he came through
the front door.

That's where
he came from.
Huh?

Will you help me
fix the dinner, Gloria?

No. I wanna know
who the little boy is.

Hi there, big fella.
Who are you? Hey, ma,
who does he belong to?

Oh, um--

some lady.
I don't think you know her.

Oh, don't tell me
you're baby-sitting?

Yeah, yeah.
Something like that.
Oh.

Hi there, big fella.
What's your name?

Oh, ma, look at that.

Isn't that cute? When he pouts
he looks just like Michael.

No! No--
oh.

I mean,
Mike has a mustache.
Yeah.

I'll bet he's hungry.

You are hungry,
aren't you?

You see, Gloria?
He's starved.

Come on, dear.
Sit over here,

and Gloria will go
out in the kitchen
and make you...

A nice peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.

But, ma, he just said
he wasn't hungry.

Little boys
are always hungry.

Please, make a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.

Little boy, if we bring you
a nice peanut butter
and jelly sandwich,

would you tell me
your name?

But you've got to.

Where do you live?
What's your mommy's name?

- Hi, Gloria, I'm home.
- Hi, Mike.

Hi, ma.
Gloria's in the kitchen.

Oh, thanks.

Guess who.

Um, Ryan O'Neal?

Right.
Ooh!

You're always right.

Hey, what's that--
what's that you're wearing?
It smells nice.

Peanut butter.
Oh, Michael.

Oh, you're makin'
a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.

But, Gloria, you hate
peanut butter and jelly.

Hey, Gloria,
you're-you're not, uh--

no, Michael,
I'm not pregnant.

Oh, good.
I still hate
peanut butter.

Great.
Who's the sandwich for?

Our little visitor.
What little visitor?

Hey there, big fella,
look what I just made for you.

A super-duper
peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.

Hey, who's the little boy?
What's he doin' there?

He's eatin' a sandwich.

Mike, why don't you
go upstairs?

I'll bet you have
some studying to do,
haven't you?

Oh, no. I'll wait
till after dinner.

Hey, you know, he's cute.

Hey, you know who
he reminds me of?
Nobody!

I mean,
nobody in your family.

Oh, no.
No, that's good!

No, he reminds me
of one of the guys
from school.

Hey, ma, you never did say
who his mother was.

Didn't I?

I'd better go see
how the dinner's doin'
in the oven.

It's doin' fine. I checked.
Who's his mother?

Oh! Then I'd better
go upstairs
and make the beds.

Uh, you made them
this morning, ma.
Did I?

Yes. Who's his mother?
What is the matter, ma?

There's a strange little boy
in the room, and all
we wanna know is who he is.

Yeah.
Who is he?

Well, why are you askin' me
so many questions?

So there's a little boy
in the room.

Is there anything wrong about
having a little boy in the room?

Is there a law against having
a little boy in the room?

It's nice having
a little boy in the room.

And if you want me to answer
any more questions,
don't ask me!

Gloria, what's with her?
I don't know.

Well, stuck on the subway
for minutes again tonight.

Arch, uh--
let me tell you
somethin'.

The way your mayor Lindsay
runs the city's
transportation system,

a workin' man
can get home for supper
around breakfast time.

Look, arch--
daddy--

I'll say one thing
for mussolini.

He was no bundle of laughs,
but he sure could make
a train run on time.

Look, arch, uh--

wait. Ho.
Hey, hold your horses.
Hey, who's this here?

Yeah, that's what we were
tryin' to tell you, arch.

Well, go ahead
and tell me, meathead.
What's with the kid?

Well, we don't know.
Mom said somebody
brought him here.

I didn't think he grew like
a mushroom out of the chair.
Who brought him?

Little boy, I brought you
a nice glass of milk--

oh, Archie,
you're home!

No, Edith,
I'm still at work.

What you see standin' here
is merely a pigment
of your imagination.

Edith, who is this kid--
Archie, I need
to talk to you.

What? Gee, uh, who's
the little kid here?

That's just what I wanted
to talk to you about.

Well, whoop-Dee-do.

First time in years our
minds are "synchrosized."

Who's the child?

He's-- he's--

oh, Archie,
we got trouble.

Can't you answer me
a simple,
three-word question?

Who is that kid?

What's the big mystery?

Oh, Mike!
Oh, Archie!

Oh, Gloria!

Oh, Edith!

What is it?

Well, you see,

the bell rang, and I--
and I went and answered
the door,

and there was
this woman there.

Yeah?

And she left the little boy
and sort of ran away.

Wait a minute.
Are you telling me that...

Some woman showed up here
at the door
you've never seen before,

you don't even know,
and left the child here?

Edith, I mean,
you don't know the person.

Maybe that person
could be a kidnapper.

That would make you
an "accessidy"
after the fact.

- Ma, are you sure
it was her son?
- Oh, yeah.

I'm sure
it was her son.
Well, how are you sure?

Did she tell you that?
No, not exactly.

Ma, what exactly
did she tell you?

She told me
it was your son, Mike.

What?
What?

What?

What?

She asked for
Michael stivic
and just left him here.

Ma, you have
to be kidding!

- She better be kiddin'!
- Michael!

That's your son there?
Michael?

No, no!
Of course he's not
my son, Gloria.

Get your hands
off my daughter,
you palooka,

and head for
the Y.M.C.A.!

Daddy-- daddy, calm down.
I'm sure Michael has
a reasonable explanation.

Michael, tell daddy
your reasonable explanation.

Well, I mean,
it's obvious...

Some nut left a kid
on our doorstep,
that's all.

No, no!
That ain't all!

That kid was left
special delivery
for Michael stivic!

There can't be more than
one of them in this world.

Archie, all that proves
is that whoever this nut is,
she knows my name.

I mean, haven't
you ever gotten anything
you didn't ask for?

I'm lookin' right at it.

Look, uh, Archie,
that kid--

I mean, I would know if
I had a son, wouldn't I?

I mean, look at that kid!
He doesn't even look like me!

Except a little
when he pouts.
Ma, please!

Daddy-- daddy,
Michael's right.
It's obviously a big mistake.

Of course it's a mistake!
It always is!

This is a mistake that he made
I figure about four years ago.

And look at this.
His mistake is gettin'
peanut butter all over my chair!

I'll get it off.
Oh, he has it on his face.

Have you got a hankie?

Michael, what are
we gonna do?
Uh-- uh--

I'll call the
child welfare bureau.

Why would anybody
do a thing like this?

Who knows, Gloria?
Some stupid reason.

Look. Here's a picture
of the little boy.

We don't need
no picture of him, Edith.
We can see what he looks like.

He's standin'
with his mother.

Oh. His mother's
very attractive.

Uh, I wanna report
a child leaving.

Uh, a child leaving.
Uh--

no, no, I don't mean
the child left.
The child is here.

The mother left.
Uh-- yes, I'll hold on.

Michael, here's a picture
of his mother.
Do you recognize her?

Gloria, if I thought
for one second...

That that boy was my son--

that's Marilyn Sanders.

I mean, I don't
understand it, Michael.

In all the time we've been
together, you never ever once
even mentioned Marilyn Sanders.

- Michael!
- [ Grunts ]

Did you fall asleep
on me again?

No, Gloria.
What makes you think that?

I've heard every word
you've said... all night.

Every single word.

Michael, look at me.
Hmm?

- We have some more
talking to do.
- More talking?

Gloria, it's : in the
morning. You've said everything
there is to say... twice.

You miserable creep.

You said that three times.

You're not funny, papa!

Ohh!

Don't say that, Gloria!
Don't say that!
You have no right to say that!

And you have no right
to be that!

Gloria--
well, it's true,
isn't it?

I don't know if it's true!

But Marilyn Sanders knows,
doesn't she?

Gloria,
I tried to reach her.
Her phone was disconnected.

There was no address.
There's no way
I can contact her!

I thought you'd
already done that.

Oh, that--
you!

Even if it's true, Gloria,
I'm a human being,
and human beings make mistakes!

But most people's mistakes
don't walk in the front door
and say, "hi, daddy!"

Will you listen
to yourself, Gloria?

You sound like queen Victoria!
What happened to the modern,
liberated girl I married?

She became a mother
by special delivery!

Look, Gloria, that--
that boy,
he can't be my son.

I mean, it's practically
impossible.

The odds are all against it.
You went out with her,
didn't you?

Well, yeah.
I knew her,
but not that well.

It--
it was only once.

If I remember
my biology right,
once is enough.

For fruit flies!

With human beings,
it only happens that fast
in the movies!

I don't care
where it happened!

I just wanna know
why you didn't marry her.

Because I didn't love her!
Then how
could you take her--

because I liked her.

She was... pretty.

Thank you.
Oh, come on, now,
Gloria.

No, I don't wanna hear...
You know I didn't
mean it that way.

Anymore about her!

What was she like, Michael?

Well, she had a nice...

Sense of humor.

Michael, that's not
what I mean.

Do I have to
spell it out for you?

For crying out loud, Gloria!
On that subject,
I never gave grades!

Look, Gloria,

I love you.

You're the only one
that matters.

No one else ever--
ever came close.

Are you sure?

Sure I'm sure.

Hey, before we met,
that doesn't count.

I mean, we both
had lives of our own.

You went out with other guys.
I never asked you about them.

I figured... if you wanted
to tell me about 'em,
you'd tell me.

Well, Michael,
if you really wanna know--

don't tell me!
I don't wanna know!
Michael!

[ Arguing continues ]

Do you hear this?

World w*r III's
still blazin' away...

At : in the A.M.

Geez, I gotta get up
in an hour, I ain't even
been to bed yet.

I know.

I thought I was gonna
be able to drop off
once or twice up there...

In a lull in
the "hostililities."

But then the kid
kept botherin' me.
Had me in a midnight shuffle.

- What did he want?
- Water, Edith.

Half the night
he was fillin' up on it,
the other half...

He was gettin' rid of it.

Where are you going,
Michael?
I'm not going anywhere!

Ah, here come the lovebirds.

Michael, you can't
run away from the problem!

I'm not running away, Gloria.
I just wanna get
something to eat.

Will you listen to that!

If that guy was on the Titanic,
he'd keep on eatin'...

Till the water come up
over his nose!

You can't blame him
for havin' a good appetite.

Whoa-oa-oa!

This bird's got appetites
in all directions.

Come on, arch.
Daddy, stop it!

Somebody should've told him
to stop it before he become
father of the year!

You stop picking
on Michael!

Yeah. She's been doin'
a great job of that
all night by herself.

And you shut up!
I don't wanna hear
another word out of you!

I've come to a decision.
I've decided
to stay with you...

Whether the little boy
is yours or not.

Gee, it sounds like
you're stayin' with me
out of revenge.
No!

I'm staying with you
because I love you!

Well, if you love me,
you better understand
one thing, Gloria!

I don't think that that kid
is mine, but if he turns out
to be, he's my responsibility!

That's where
you're wrong, Michael!
He's our responsibility!

Look, don't--

what?

He's our responsibility.

Look at this here.

A whole love scene
done in yells.

Ain't that nice,
Archie?

Ah, beautiful, Edith.
Well, I've had enough of it.
What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna go upstairs
and try to get
minutes of shut-eye.

The world keeps turnin' over,
and every time it turns
it leans on me.

Come here, Archie.

Look.
Ain't he cute?

Yeah.
What if he is
our grandson?

Huh?
Once removed.

He can't be our grandson.

Only person in this house
he's related to...

Is casanovski
in the kitchen there.

And I want the two of them
out of this house,
father and son.

Archie-- shh!
Don't argue with me!

Gloria, I love you.

I love you too, Michael.

What do we got to eat?

Michael, why don't you
go in the living room
and relax,

and I'll make you
a nice breakfast.

Okay, thanks.

[ Knocking ]

Hi, Mike.

Marilyn.

You remembered.
Sure, I remembered.

Oh, boy, did I remember.

You, uh--
you look nice.

Are you kiddin'?
I've been up
all night worryin'.

I must look like
the wrath of God.
Where's Danny?

Danny?
Oh, the boy.
Yeah.

Uh, he's, uh, right here.

He's on the couch.

He's sleepin'.
He's fine.

So...

How you been, Marilyn?

Great.
Just great.

I mean, every mother
I know goes around
givin' her kid away.

I'm in great shape,
ya dumb jerk!

- I'm sorry, Marilyn. I--
- oh, forget it.

Why'd you shave
your beard off?

[ Mike ]
Oh, uh,
i got married, and--

[ Marilyn ]
Oh.

[ Mike ]
Uh, how do you like it
this way?

[ Marilyn ]
I don't know.
I have to get used to it.

Well, before she gets
too used to it, Michael,
I think you better ask her...

The $ , question.

Who's the snotty kid?

Shh! Shh!
Listen, here, you--
don't shush me!

Did you hear
what she just called me?
Gloria! Gloria! Quiet!

You're gonna wake up
the little boy.

Uh, Marilyn,
this is my wife, Gloria.

Gloria, this is my old--

Marilyn.
This is Marilyn.

Hello.

Well, are you gonna
ask her the question?

Uh, yeah.
Uh, Marilyn...

Uh,

I'm not, uh--

no, you're not
the father, Mike.

- Oh, thank God.
- What?

- I didn't mean it that way.
- Where do you come off
puttin' down my kid?

You couldn't father
a boy like that on your
best day you ever lived!

[ Voices overlapping ]

[ Archie ]
Will youse two pipe down!
Last time I seen you,

youse was in
each other's arms.

The battle
is still ragin' on!

But now we see
a new platoon in the field.

Who's this?

Daddy, ma,
this is Marilyn Sanders,
the little boy's mother.

Hello.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.

The mother, huh?
Well, if you've come
to pick up the child,

you can collect the father too,
and the three of youse trot off
on a honeymoon together.

Daddy, Marilyn just told us
Michael is not Danny's father.

Oh, no?

Well, that's the best news
I heard all night.

And it's a damn lucky thing
for you you ain't!

-What is it with you people?
You all hate kids or something?
-Now, wait a minute.

Now, just wait a minute.
Don't hit us with that
"hate kid" stuff.

I mean, you know,
we didn't drop the child off
on the dead run.

- It was you done that.
- Listen here, chunky!

You think it's easy
to bring up a kid,
hold down a job...

And look for a husband
and a father for the kid
all at the same time?

Guys you meet today
bring you home from a date,
take one look at the kid,

and it's slam, bam,
thank you, ma'am.

You should write a letter
to "dear abie."

You're a panic.

My last kiss-off
was a month ago.

This terrific guy,
as soon as he found out
about Danny, that was it.

And then last week
I met this new fella,

and I-- and I didn't want
the same thing to happen
all over again.

So I thought if I could just
leave Danny somewhere...

Until I could get something
going with this guy--

but, Marilyn,
why'd you pick on me?

Oh-- well,
I saw you one day in Macy's
with blondie there.

Name's Gloria.

I didn't mean it
as a rap, honey.

Anyway, the two of you
looked-- you looked
kind of sweet together.

Happy. Oh, boy,
is this gettin' corny.

Let me take my kid
and I'll get
the hell out of here.

Danny? Come on, honey.
Mommy's back.

Come on, sweetheart.
We're gonna get your shoes on.
You all right?

So you came back because
you missed him, huh?

No, actually, I came back
because he swallowed
my diamond earrings.

[ Horn honking ]
Tell the cab to wait.
I'll be right out.

Tell the cab to wait.
She'll be right out, meathead.

- Where's his coat?
- Yeah, where's his coat?

Oh, right here.

But why don't you keep
the blanket so you don't
have to wake him, Mrs.--

miss--
it's missus.

- Oh, I didn't mean that--
- don't worry.

I was married
to Danny's father.

But he wanted Danny
as much as you people.
[ Archie ] Hold it there, sis.

You got some kind of nerve
sayin' that.

You come into our house,
you turn the joint upside down,
you cost me a night's sleep.

Then you're gonna stand there
and blame your life on us.

Archie, be nice.

Think of
the little boy.

Don't be tryin' to make me
feel bad about that!

What's the use of me
thinkin' about him?

I mean, there ain't nothin'
I can do about him.

You know, look, sis, we got
a little house here...

And a family and, uh--

well, I mean,
the best we can do
is wish you luck.

Luck.

And God bless us,
everyone.

Right?

Oh, I hope
that poor girl...

Finds a nice husband
and settles down.
Sure.

Well, while all of youse
is standin' around here...

Dreamin' up them
charmin' possibilities,

I gotta go upstairs,
change my clothes
and get ready for work.

Daddy, before you go,
I think you owe Michael
an apology.

I owe him an apology?

Well, he owes me...

Two years' rent.

So we're even.

[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.