02x15 - Edith's Problem

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

hey, arch,
look at this weather
you're gonna have.

Orlando, Florida--
high of degrees.
Ah, beautiful.

Hey, maybe you and ma
ought to take bathing suits.

Nah, we ain't going
down to Florida to swim.

We're going to go down
there to see Disney world.

And, boy, that's
gonna be something to see.

I'm reading here it cost them
over million bucks to build.

You realize what that
comes to in dollars and cents?

Hey, I bet ma was excited
when you told her about it.

Oh, hey.
Excited ain't the word.

Boy, I-- but you know,
a funny thing happened.

I come in and I said,
"Edith, the lodge
is springin'...

For a special
charter flight down there
for the weekend, you know."

So she starts jumpin' up
and down laughing. And then...

I think it was about
the third jump,
she come down crying.

- That's strange.
- That's screwy,
even for your mother.

Edith, come out of the kitchen.
I wanna show you something
in the magazine here.

She's not here, daddy.
She ran down to the market.

Aw, gee.
I hope she don't get hung up
in them sales down there.

She's a sucker for specials.
That's why we got pounds
of nuts in the closet.

We ain't even got a monkey.

I eat those nuts.

Well, you ain't long
out of the trees anyway.

Hey, Edith.
There you are.

- Gee, we're waiting here.
We're starving.
- Don't rush me, Archie bunker.

You'll get your dinner on time.
You always get dinner on time.

And don't you
forget that neither.

Ma, let me help you
with those bags.
Leave me alone.

What's the matter with ma?

I was gonna ask you.

Get out of the way, Gloria.
Hey, Edith, there.

Is, uh, something
the matter with you?
No.

Well, I just wanna
know if you're all right.
Don't argue with me.

Edith, I ain't arguin'. I just--
if you're asking for a fight,
you're gonna get one.

Is something wrong?
Oh, leave me alone, damn it!

Did she really say that?

If I didn't hear that
with my own ears,
I wouldn't believe it.

[ Clattering ]
Listen to that.

She never wallops
the pots that way.

Gee, I don't know what
to expect from her next.

You know, last night
I'm sleeping there in bed there
peaceful like a baby,

and suddenly I get the feeling
that somebody's watching me.

So I open up my eyes
and there she is sitting
there staring at me.

I says, "Edith,
why are you watching me?"

She says,
"what else is there to watch?
Johnny Carson's off."

I wonder what's
got her so upset.

Oh, my.
It's so nice to be home.

Hey, Edith,
you ain't mad at nothing?

Mad? What would I be mad about?
Here's your beer.

Ma, you sure
you're all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. Why?

Well, I just, uh, you know,
I want you to be all set...

For the three-day excursion
down to Florida, that's all.

Oh, I'm all set.
I'm looking forward to it.

Yeah, that's swell. Swell.
Look, sit down in your chair...

'Cause I wanna show you
something in the magazine
I found there.

Uh, there's a whole
article in here, Edith,
on Disney world here.

Oh, look at this.
Here's the first page, see?

Mickey mouse leading
the grand parade, huh?

Ain't that cute?
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah.

You know, it never
occurred to me before.
Mickey mouse is black.

Aw, get out of here
with that stuff, huh?

Mickey mouse ain't got no race.
He stands for all men.

That's why Walt
made him a mouse.

Listen, don't be
puttin' down Walt Disney.
I'm gonna tell you something.

There's a guy named
Billy hartfeld that works
with me down at the plant.

This is a guy that's
been all over the world.

He's traveled everywhere,
seen and done everything.
He's got tattoos to prove it.

And when a guy like Billy
hartfeld tells me he wants
to go to Disney world to die--

on this trip?

No, Edith.
Not on this trip.
Oh, good.

He's gonna give me
a couple of them, you know,

bright, flowery shirts he's got
to wear outside the pants...

So I won't look
like a tourist down there.

Oh, my, it's hot in here.

Open the window, will you, Mike?

- It is open, ma.
- It is?

Why am I throwing away
money on heat when you got
the windows open? Close it.

I want it open!

Edith, I want it closed.

It's my home too.

All right.
We both own the house.
We both own the furniture.

We both own the window,
half and half.

I want my half closed.
Now stifle yourself, will you.

Oh, that's
a terrible thing to say.

What is, "stifle"?

Yeah, how can you
say that to me?

I've been saying that
to you for years, Edith.
Now, will you stifle.

There, you said it again.
[ Sobbing ]

What the hell
do you call this?

Daddy, I think you
hurt her feelings.

After years of stifles,
the dingbat turns on me.

Daddy, I think
you better do something.

Yeah, I think so too.
And I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna step outside
and get myself
a breath of fresh air.

And when your mother gets
back to normal out there, just
holler for me down the street.

Well, then why don't you
stop by the mcnabs and pick up
the suitcases you're borrowing.

- Good idea.
- Michael, you go with him.

Why?
'Cause I gotta
have a talk with ma, okay?

All right.
Wait up, arch.

♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪

♪ simply because
you're near me ♪

♪ funny but when ♪

where are you two going?

I'm gonna step over to mcnab's
and pick up the suitcases
we're gonna borrow there.

No, don't worry about dinner.
Just keep it warm there
for a few minutes, huh?

Geez.

Your father is
acting so strange lately.

No, ma.
It isn't daddy.

Come on over here for a minute.
I wanna have a talk with you.

I wanna show you
a magazine I've been reading.

And there's an article in it
that I think applies to you.

Here it is, ma.

Look here. It explains
why you've been having those
hot and cold spells lately.

It does?
Yeah, look at the article.

Ma, have you been more
forgetful than usual?

Forgetful?
I don't know.
Let me think.

Ma.
Gloria,
what did you just ask me?

Ma, I think I know
what's the matter.
It's the change.

You mean spring is coming?

No, ma. Not the seasons.
I'm talking about life.

Don't you see?
The forgetfulness,
the hot flashes.

It's the change of life.

Oh, my.

At my age?

Oh, no.
I ain't supposed
to change yet, am I?

Ma, it says in the article
it can start anytime after .

And when it does, it can
turn you into an old woman.

Oh, no, ma.
That doesn't happen nowadays.

It's a natural,
beautiful time of life.

Beautiful? Well,
it don't feel very beautiful.

I feel like I'm jumpin'
in and out of a hot bath...

And somebody's twisting
a rubber band around my head.

Oh, ma, there's
nothing to worry about.
Look, it says right here.

"Nowadays, with simple
hormone treatment, there are
no unpleasant manifestations."

Well, my aunt Elizabeth
went through this...

And she didn't get
manifestations,

she got a mustache.

Ma, here. You better
read this article.

It's written by a very
important doctor, and
he knows everything about it.

He don't know your father.

When Archie hears about this,
he ain't gonna love me no more.

Oh, ma, of course he will.

Oh, I'm sorry. Imagine,

you having to tell me
what's wrong.

When I was a young girl,
I didn't know what every
young girl should know.

Now I'm gonna be
an old lady,

and I don't know what every
old lady should know.

Oh, ma, you're not old.
Open the door,
big meathead.

It's your father.
Don't you say a word
to him about this.

I ain't gonna let him
see me getting upset.

Take it easy.
Hello, Archie.

Oh, hi, Edith. Yeah, I'm back
with the bags. I just got these
from mcnab. Ain't they beauties?

But they're black!

Black is for funerals,
not for vacations!

I can't lay out cash
for new suitcases.

We gotta save all our money
for Disney world, huh?

Edith, Edith, look.
Mcnab got this other brochure.

Another Disney
brochure I wanna show you.
Sit down in the chair, huh?

This has got pictures
of the most beautiful
things in here.

Wait till I show you this.
One of them in here,
an all-bear band.

A naked band at Disney world?
No, no, no.

Edith. You know, bears.
Like brown bears,
grizzly bears, them.

Oh, I hate bears.
Yeah, but they ain't
real bears, Edith. Look.

I hate all bears.
Take it away.

I'm just trying
to show you something here.
Stifle!

- What did you say to me?
- I said, "stifle."

Pinch me, will you?

I told you to stifle!
[ Sobs ]

Ma, are you all right?
Leave me alone.

Nobody's doing nothing to you.
You listen to me.
Ma.

All of you, listen to me.

Well, stop looking at me.

I said stifle
and I mean stifle.

Stifle, stifle, stifle!

We're not going to Disney world,
or any other world!

We're not going anyplace!
[ Sobbing ]

Yeah, thanks. Hey, uh, miss.
Cream for the coffee, eh?

Look, I only got two hands.

You'd think I ordered
a four-course dinner
from her, the dope.

Gee, daddy. You're really
on edge, aren't you?

Well, why wouldn't I be?
Why'd you have to
drag me down here...

To this fancy
doctor of your mother,
the "groinecologist" guy?

Gynecologist, daddy.
Oh, all right.
Whatever.

I had to sit up there
in that waiting room
with all them women...

Gawking at me,
gawking at you.

Who knows what
they were thinking.
Holy cow.

I know you didn't
wanna go, daddy.

But it's important
that you understand about
this time of ma's life.

I ain't understood no time
of your mother's life.

Hey, miss,
cream for the coffee here.
It's coming.

I ain't seen a good waitress
since the depression.

You know something? I haven't
been out for an ice cream
with you since I was a kid.

Remember when you used
to take me out all the time?
Certainly, I do.

Remember the game
you used to play where you'd
steal the cherry off the top?

You was wise to me
stealing all them cherries?

Oh, sure, I was.
You know what I used to do?

I used to give them
a couple of quick licks first...

And then put them back
on before I let you steal them.

[ Laughing ]

You done that, huh?

Hey, daddy.
Ma's all right, isn't she?

The doctor didn't say there
was anything wrong except that
she's going through menopause?

Shush.
Here's your cream.

Yeah, well,
the coffee's cold now.
It was hot when I brought it.

"Hot when I brought it."

Why do you have to talk
so loud there about your
mother's interior problems?

Sorry.
Can't you keep your voice down?

You're just gonna have to be
patient and extra nice to her
for the next couple of weeks.

Ain't I always?

Thank you.

Would you believe
that there ain't
nothing in there?

This dame is
as off the rails
as your mother.

No, I can't talk about it
with you, Mike.

It's hard enough
talking about it to Gloria.

But, ma, Gloria explained
the whole thing to me.

[ Gasps ]
She did?

Sure. About the hot flashes
and the forgetfulness.

Ma, you don't have to
be embarrassed by it.

I mean, it's a completely
natural thing.

You should be excited.
Excited?

Sure. You're starting
the best years of your life.

I feel like I'm starting
out to the old folks' home.

And that's probably
what that doctor is
telling Archie right now.

Oh, ma, come on.
Don't be silly.

This can be a beginning for you.
You and Archie, you're secure.

You've got your health.
And you've got each other.

I hope we still got each other.

Oh, ma.
Hey, sure you do.

Hey, you got Gloria and me.

And someday
you'll have grandchildren
to look forward to.

Oh, Mike, that's nice.

Grandchildren.
Sure.

But that would
make me a grandmother.

Oh, hiya there, meathead.
Hi, Michael.

- Where's your mother-in-law?
- Oh, she's upstairs.

I better go see how she is.

I hope she's laying down
up there. I need the rest.

What did the doctor say?

He just said that
the menopause is a tough
time to be going through...

Especially for nervous types.
So?

So he prescribed
these here pills.
Oh, good.

I gotta take
three of them a day.

What about ma?
Ah, she'll be all right.

Some other pills
here for her too.

These are these hormones,
which by the way,

hormones are pretty
hot stuff, you know.

They do a kind of--
what you call-- realignment
job there on the glands.

Of course your mother-in-law's
glands, they don't know
which way they're going.

And neither does she.

- But she's all right?
- She's all right. But for
the next couple of weeks...

You can't expect to see
the regular dingbat
flying around here.

Till these here pills
take effect, you're gonna
be looking at super-dingbat.

What else did the doctor say?
Aw, he said
enough and too much.

Telling me I gotta be
patient with her. Gotta be
kind to her all the time.

Agree with her with everything.
Nice all the time. Geez.

This change of life
is a lousy thing, you know.

A man ain't got
no say in it at all.

I hope we didn't
overdo it, Gloria.
No, ma, not at all.

Hey, ma, you look terrific.
He noticed.

Hey, daddy.
Come on out here.
What did you do?

Gloria put some
false eyelashes on me.

Hey, they look nice.
I hope Archie likes them.

Archie.
Oh, hiya there, Edith.
You feel any better?

You notice something
different about me, Archie?

Uh, what did you have in mind?

Look at my eyes.

Oh, yeah. The eyes. Yeah.

Uh, they look terrific, Edith.

You don't like them.
Wait a minute.
I didn't say that.

I do like them
on you there, Edith.
They make you look younger.

Oh.
Archie, what are you doing?

Let me alone. I'm following
the doctor's orders here.

Edith,
when I was down there at
the drugstore getting the pills,

I picked up a little
present for you here.

A present for me?
Oh, Archie.

Oh. Well, all right.
All right, Edith.

It ain't exactly
the pope diamond, you know.

Go ahead.
Open it up yourself.

What's it for?

Well, that's for your
condition, Edith, you know.
When you get the hot flushes.

Let me show you.

See, there's a little
switch here. And you just
turn it on like that.

No, don't be scared of it.
Don't be scared of it.

No, that's your own
individualistic, private--
what do you call-- cooler, see?

Go ahead.
Shine it on yourself.

Ain't that nice?

Thank you, Archie.

Don't mention it, Edith.
Oh, I better fill out
the guarantee card.

Oh, no, no, no.
Let me do that for you,
Edith, sweetheart.

But I like to fill them out.

Oh, you do?

Well, go ahead then.
Fill it out, Edith,
by all means.

You do that good there.
There. Go ahead.

Where the hell is
the sports section
of this paper, huh?

Oh. I used it
to line the garbage pail.

The garbage pail?

Oh, you done that, have you?

That's all right, Edith.
That's a good thing.

Gloria, will you help me
set the table?

Sure, ma.

This here is m*rder.
All right, arch.

Remember what the doctor said.
All right. All right.

Hey, uh, Edith.

You know,
the meathead and me,
we've been droolin' all day...

Waiting for that beautiful
pot roast of yours.

Well, we're not
gonna have pot roast.

I put it in the oven
too early and it burned up.

That's okay, Edith.
That's okay.

Pot roast, no loss.
What else you giving us?

I'm warming up yesterday's soup.

Yesterday's soup is delicious.

[ Wailing, sobbing ]
Oh, ma.

I can't go on
with this no longer.
All right. All right.

Take it easy, arch.
Ma's going through
a tough time. That's all.

Thank God the doctor
gave me these pills.

You see?

He don't love me no more.
He thinks I'm old.

No, he doesn't, ma.
He's just being nice.

Nice?
You heard what he said.

Everything is terrific, Edith.

He don't mind
the pot roast burning up.

He don't mind the sports
section in the garbage pail.

He ain't talking to me.
He's talking to some old lady.

How long is this gonna take?
Look, there's nothing
on the table.

I'm so hungry,
my belly feels
my throat's been cut.

Arch, look.
Just sit down. Sit down
and take it easy. All right?

All right. All right.
Okay, everybody.
Soup's on.

Keep up the good work, daddy.
I know you're trying.

All right.
Let's just eat, huh?
Geez.

Is the soup all right?
It's a- , "a" okay,
perfectly delicious here.

There, you see?
Ma, just eat your soup.

Is it getting lighter in here?

Oh, ma. It's 'cause
your eyelashes fell off.

I must have dropped them
in the kitchen.

No, no, no.
Stay where you are, Edith.
Stay where you are.

Here they are, Edith.

Oh, Archie. I'm sorry.

That's okay, Edith.

They wasn't in the place
where I was eatin' at.

Archie, don't you suppose
it's time we had a talk?

Why, sure, Edith.
You wanna talk? Let's talk.

Good, good.
What'll we talk about?

Why don't you two
talk about the wonderful
weekend you're going away on?

Yeah, I wanna talk
about where we're going.

Yeah, well, that's fine, Edith.
If you wanna talk about Florida,
let's talk about Florida.

And by the way, we ain't
confirmed we're going there yet.

No, no, no.
Not Florida.

I wanna go to Scranton.
Scranton?

Edith, uh,
what is in Scranton?

- My cousin Emily.
- Your cousin Emily?

You hate Emily.

No, no, no.
I don't, Edith.
I don't hate Emily.

I never said that.
I never said that at all.

I like her.
And I like her little
home in Scranton there.

And them four
cute teenagers.

d*ck, her husband,
is a real nice guy.

I can't say that I--
I can't-- I can't--

I can't go on with this.
That's one thing I can't do.

I don't believe
a word of anything
I'm saying around here.

This ain't natural.
No, I don't like her
and I don't like her husband.

He's a bum and he always was.
And she's a crack
and she always was.

And I hate their
four rotten kids.

The only way you're gonna
get me to go to Scranton...

Is if some screwball
hijacks the airplane.

I know all about your
woman's troubles there, Edith.

But when I had the hernia
that time, I didn't
make you wear the truss.

- Come on, Archie.
- Daddy.
- No, no, no.

Edith. If you're gonna
have a change of life,
you gotta do it right now.

I'm gonna give you
just seconds.
Now, come on, change.

Can I finish my soup first?

The soup is lousy.
Forget it.

Get on the phone
and call the lodge...

And confirm that the bunkers
is going down to Florida
as "pre-deranged."

Yeah, Archie.
Right away, Archie.
Hop on it, Edith.

He don't think I'm old.
He loves me.

And that is that of your
fancy doctor telling me
to be agreeing with her,

to be kind, to be patient,
to be a jerk!

I showed the two of youse here
how to handle a change of life.

And you better
remember it, meathead.

Now everything is back
to normal around here. Edith?

Are you getting
that phone number?

No! I don't wanna go to Florida.
I don't wanna go anywhere.

And if you wanna
make a phone call,
you make it yourself.

Well...

Back to the "groinecologist."

[ Archie ] Guess who's home.
Oh, Michael,
it's ma and daddy! They're home!

[ Chuckling ]

[ Yelling ]
Here we are.

That looks great.
Oh, daddy.

[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.