02x11 - The Man in the Street

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

[ phone rings ]

[ Ringing continues ]
I'll get it, Gloria!

[ Gloria ]
Okay, ma!
Hello?

Oh, hello, Archie.

[ Teakettle whistling ]

Just a minute.

[ Archie ] What, Edith?
I got something important
to tell you.

Gloria, I'm home!
[ Gloria ]
Down in a minute!

[ Archie ]
Edith! Edith! Don't get off
the line, Edith!

Edith, get back on that line!
I only got a dime here!

Get back on that line,
you dingbat!

Get back on that line!
Hold it.

Wait a second, Archie.
Hold on a second.

This isn't the dingbat.
It's me, the meathead.

Yeah--
no, she's right here.

Hold on.
Hello, Archie.

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

After I answered the telephone,
I had to answer the teakettle.

Oh, I don't mean
the kettle was talking.

It was whistling and--

yeah, Archie,
I'm listening.

Hi, Michael.
Did you have a nice day?
Oh, yeah.

What's the matter
with ma?

I think Archie
put her on stifle.

Yeah, it'll be all ready,
Archie.

I can hardly wait.

Yeah, bye.

Gloria, help me get the food.
Your father'll be here
in two seconds.

Two seconds?
Where was he calling from?

From the liquor store.
He's bringing a bottle of wine
home for dinner.

Archie, wine?
Yeah.

Something important
is going on...

'Cause he asked
his shop steward
to drop in after dinner.

I don't understand, ma.
What's happening?

That's right.
You weren't here.

But your father called me
right after lunch...

And he said he had
a great big surprise for us.

Oh, he sounded so happy
and excited.

What's the surprise, ma?

I don't know,
but this is what he said--

he wanted dinner served,
eaten and cleared away
by : sharp,

after which
he don't want no noise...

And he don't want Gloria
and the meathead--

I'm sorry, Mike.
He don't want Gloria and Mike
to go out neither.

- What do you think it is?
- Well, I don't know.

The last time he brought home
a surprise, it was that--

you know that parrot he bought
off this marine at kelcy's bar?

You're kidding.
Archie surprised you
with a parrot?

Yeah,
he surprised himself.

He broke out in hives
as big as -cent pieces.

And he couldn't stop sneezing.
He was allergic
to the parrot?

Yeah, he kept on sneezing--
sometimes times in a row.

And every time he sneezed
the parrot went,
"gesundheit! Gesundheit!"

It made Archie very mad.

Good evening, all,

and a wonderful evening
it's gonna be.

Hello, Archie.

Everything is ready,

just the way you ordered it.

That's terrific, Edith.
You done a terrific job.
Everything is terrific.

Good evening, Gloria,
and good evening, Michael.

"Good evening, Michael"?

Edith, bring
them wine glasses
over here.

Ain't this exciting!

Why, we haven't
used these glasses...

Since we got 'em
from the quaker oats people.

Well, it's about time
we used 'em.

This is a special occasion,
and I bought
a very special wine.

Yeah, the screw-on cap
has a great bouquet.

Kinda nice, huh?
[ Laughs ]

[ Archie ]
There we are.
Oh, my. Red wine.

I'll bet
it's manischewitz.

No, Edith.

I buy strictly American.

Don't nobody say nothing
till I make the toast.

What are we drinking to?

We are drinking to...

The man in the street.

What's
"the man in the street"?

You'll find out
all in good time.

Meantime,
let's get over there
and eat our dinner.

Boy, this is
a swell bottle of wine.
Yeah, great vintage.

September.

Nothing you say to me
is gonna make me mad tonight,

meathead though you are.

We had our differences
in the past,
a little tiff here and there.

We don't see nose to nose
on everything.

But tonight I'm gonna show you
the way a real American feels...

About living in
the good old U.S. of a.

Now get over here and let's eat,
'cause we only got minutes.

When you gonna tell us
the surprise?

Did you get promoted,
Archie?

- You won the lottery.
- Did you get a raise?

No, none of them things.

Oh, I know.
I bet they gave him
his own key to the men's room.

Michael.
Sorry.
The wine went to my head.

I ain't surprised.
You ain't got nothin' else
up there.

Well, give us a hint,
Archie.

Is the surprise
animal, vegetable or mineral?

Neither one, Edith.
It's human.

If it's human,
it's animal.

We ain't discussin' you,
meathead,
we're discussin' me.

Ha!

Come on, daddy.
We give up.

All right,
I won't keep youse
in suspense no longer.

Today at lunchtime
I went around to the bench
in back of the loading bay...

And I was sittin' there
with some of the guys--
stretch Cunningham and them.

I was just about to
open up my lunch box--

by the way,
there wasn't no twinkie in
with the sandwiches today.

I'm sorry, Archie.

Forget it, Edith.
I'm in a good mood tonight.

All of the sudden up comes
this great big CBS truck...

Loaded with
equipment and lights,
guys with cameras.

One guy shoves a microphone
out to stretch
and asks him a question.

- What did he say?
- Who, stretch? Nothin'.

You know him.
He's always clowning around.

He tries to eat the microphone
like it was a popsicle, see.

So the guy
comes up to me and says,
"you're a workin' man.

We'd like to have your
opinion on president Nixon's
new economic phase."

So tonight,
on the Walter cronkite news,

guess who youse
is gonna see there.

Just think of somebody
you all know and love.

Marcus welby!

Oh, geez, when are they
gonna come out with a pill
for dingbat?

No, Edith, me!
I'm gonna be
on the cronkite news.

Oh, Archie!

Really? That's fantastic!
Daddy's gonna be
on the news!

Me. Yours truly.

For once, the great
American public is gonna
get to hear the opinions...

Of the real common man.

I can't argue
with that statement.

Oh, Archie, it's like having
a tv star in the family.

Ain't it?
You could say that,
Edith.

- What'd you say
for the cameras?
- Oh, a lot of things.

Just on the sperm
of the moment.

What did you tell them
about Mr. Nixon?

I hope you told them
the truth.
[ Archie ]
Certainly.

Yeah, that Nixon's surrendering
the country to big business.

No, I didn't tell him that
'cause that ain't the truth.

I said Mr. Nixon's
preserving the spirit of
competition and free enterprise.

Oh, really?
How's he doing that, arch?

By keeping out jap merchandise
and forcing the public
to buy American.

The way Nixon works it,
nobody can afford
to buy anything.

What are you talking about?
Ain't he took the exercise tax
off of cars?

That's right, arch.
I'd forgotten about that.

How many cars
are you gonna buy?

Ain't he tryin'
to keep wages and prices
from going up?

Yeah, but not profits
and interest rates.
Don't you see?

Nixon's controlling
the little man and letting
the big guys run wild.

He's a big guy.
He didn't give himself a raise.
He froze himself too, didn't he?

Oh, yeah, he's freezing
at $ , a year
in three houses.

He knows what's best
for the country.

That's why he's
going to China, Russia.

If he knows what's
best for the country,
why is he coming back?

'Cause he is my president...

And I want him back!

That's what I told
that CBS guy.

I said, "listen,
there's millions of guys like me
out there in the country...

"That really believe
in president Nixon.

God believes in him too."

You said that on television?

God believes in Nixon?

Certainly! Billy Graham
plays golf with him, don't he?

- What does that mean?
- That means God
believes in Nixon.

Wait a second.
Are you saying that Nixon rules
because of divine right?

It's a damn sight better
than your divine left.

What other gems
did you come up with?

You'll just have to
wait and see, Sonny boy.

You'll have to wait and see
and hear along with
the rest of the nation.

I'm gonna turn this on
and get it ready. Edith,
what channel is cronkite on?

Channel , Archie.

The one we don't watch
because you always say
Walter cronkite is a communist.

I never said that, Edith.
The man ain't all red.

What's the matter?
There ain't nothin' coming on.

I'll help you fix it, daddy.

If you take the contrast
and turn it to the left,
and you take the horizontal--

them knobs
don't mean nothin'.
Get outta here.

Edith, what's wrong
with this set?

minutes till the show,
and all I get is a screen
full of dots and dashes.

It does that in the afternoon
sometimes...

When I'm watching
secret storm.

Lately it does it
right through edge of night.

You're wearin' out this set
with them
sufferin' soap operas.

Well, sometimes it clears up,
Archie,

if I stand right here...

And jump up and down
a few times.

Would you cut that out!

This is serious here.

Hey, hold it.
You got a picture
with that last jump.

But it's bending
in the middle.

You can fix that easy
just by hitting it on the side.

[ Tv: Descending tone ]

I think you hit it too hard.

You didn't say nothin'
about hard or not hard.
You said, hit it.

And that's what I done.

We ain't got nothin'
but the dot.

Now we ain't even
got the dot.

Forty minutes to my show,
and you busted that set!

Ah, geez,
look at the time.

Can't you
get a repairman yet?

I can only call
one number at a time.

Lionel, can't you work
no faster on that?

Doing the best I can.
That ain't good enough.
Work faster!

I's sure enough sorry,
but we does our fastest work
with a overseer watchin'.

Come on, will ya, Lionel!

- You got a whip?
That might help.
- Will you cut that out!

Did you get anybody yet?
Uh, yeah, that's right.

Bunker.
Yeah, thank you. Bye.
Was that a repairman?

Yeah.
Oh, gee, that's swell.

There's a guy comin',
so you can quit workin',
Lionel.

But he's not sure
he'll get here in time.
Keep on workin', Lionel.

Did you tell him
it was an emergency?
Can't you try another number?

These places are all closed.
Do you know what time it is?

I know what time it is--
ten minutes to me!

I give up.
You need a professional
for this job.

I'm back, daddy.
What took you so long?

What did the mcnabs say?
Can we watch their television?

The mcnabs are out,
the thomases have company,

the wilkersons's house is dark
and the feeneys were
on their way out too,

but they lent us a tv--
♪ ta-da ♪

wait a minute.
That thing is a tv?
Yeah! Look!

Who for? Pygmies?

Archie, don't look
a gift horse in the mouth.

Yeah, it's the best
we could do.

Wait a minute.
It won't turn on here.

Try hitting it
on the side.
Aw, shut up, you.

Get back on the line,
will ya.

Mr. feeney said--
quiet! I'm trying to
hear if it's on.

Daddy, Mr. feeney said
the batteries are dead.

Why didn't you say so?
Get some batteries for it.

I don't know
where they are.
Can't you ask your mother?

Hey, Edith! Edith!

Get yourself out here.
What is it?

We need
some batteries.
They're in the closet.

I got an idea, Mr. bunker--
come over and watch it
at my house.

No, not your house, Lionel--
I mean, we'd better try
some other things first.

H-here--

here you are, Archie.

Edith, those are
flashlight batteries.

You need the little ones
like this.
Oh. I think they're upstairs.

I'll help you look, ma.
You'd better come over
to my house.

You're gonna
miss yourself on tv.

I'd go over there like a shot,
but I invited
a particular guy here.

He's an important guy at
the plant, and he might not be
as broad-minded as me.

I can sneak him in with you.
You can sit in the back
of the room.

Lionel, how many times
have I gotta tell ya?

If youse people
wanna get anywheres in life,
you gotta be serious!

Well, I'll sure try
to change, Mr. bunker.
Yeah! Yeah!

I'd better be going.
I'll let you know how you look
on tv. Bye, everybody.

Oh, bye, Lionel.
Are these the right kind?

Yeah, the little ones.
I knew we had them somewheres.

Well, they was in
the portable radio,
and we don't need 'em there...

Because the portable radio
ain't workin'.

And the portable radio
ain't workin', Edith, because...

[ Together ]
The batteries are dead!

Yes!
I'm sorry, Archie.

[ Doorbell rings ]
Get outta the way.
Let me answer the door.

Stay on that phone,
will ya!

Hiya, Billy. Come on in.

Edith, Mike, Gloria,
I want you to meet Billy hopper
from down at work there.

Take his hat and coat, Edith.

This is the union shop steward,
a very important guy.
You gotta be nice to him.

You ready for
the big show, arch?

Gee, it's like rubbin' shoulders
with William Buckley himself.

Come sit down.
Take the good chair, Billy.

Edith, get Billy
some beer.
Right away.

Gloria, get the pretzels
and cheese.

Stay on the phone,
will ya!
I'm dialing.

What's the matter
with the tv, arch?
Nothin', Billy.

We just took the back off
to look at a tube,
and then we noticed--

- it's busted.
- Shut up!

Hey, arch,

I had a chance
to go bowling tonight.

Archie, ain't that nice.

Mr. hopper gave up his game
just to see you on tv.

Don't stand there
runnin' your mouth.

Call up Mrs. weidermeyer,
ask her if we can watch
her television set.

Mike is on the phone.

Well, go knock on her door.
Use your head.

Oh, all right.

Here's some pretzels.
Daddy, we don't have
any cheese.

Never mind.
Did you ask old man bellini
if we could watch his set?

No. You told me never to go--
don't give me
no arguments.

Go and ask
old man bellini.
All right.

Arch, let's go watch
the set at kelcy's bar.

Oh, no, Billy.
All the guys are watching
basketball down there.

This guy says he's closing up
and doesn't wanna come
all the way out here.

Just a minute.
Billy, sit down
and finish your beer.

Give me that.
With these guys, money talks.

Hello there.
Listen, how much you guys get
for a house call?

Fifteen bucks, huh?

This is an emergency.
Get here in five minutes,
I'll give you an extra buck.

He hung up on me.

Don't call this guy
for nothin' ever again.

Hey, Billy--
arch, I'm goin'
down to kelcy's.

Wait a minute--
daddy!

Mr. bellini said
you could watch his tv...

Swell! Let's go!

The day you stop calling him
a dumb dago.

Billy, come on back here.

Give me five more minutes.
Sit down.

Archie, I'm sorry.
Mrs. weidermeyer's tv set
is broken too.

The repairman
was just taking it
out to the truck.

Are you telling me
there was a tv repairman
over at Mrs. weidermeyer's?

Yeah, Levy's tv repair.

And you let the guy get away?
Of all the dumb things--

no, he's coming right over.

[ Doorbell rings ]
There he is.

Gee, you're not a dingbat
all the time, Edith.

Mr. bunker?
Never mind
the introductions, Levy.

Come on in.
There's the set over there.
Get to work.

- I got a guy here.
- I got a guy here. Hang up.

Don't waste any time now, Levy.
I'm on Walter cronkite
in minutes.

- You?
- Yes.

What'd you do,
have an accident?

Don't be a wise guy.
They're asking my opinions
of the president.

Walter cronkite
wanted your opinion?
Yes!

Didn't you recognize
Archie bunker?
He's a very important man.

He just lives down here
to be close to the people.

Don't waste the man's time.
Let him get to work.

Here's the trouble.
Not too serious.

A line fuse blown,
and a b tube is out.

How long is it
gonna take to fix?
Fifteen, twenty minutes.

Swell. Get right at it.

First thing
Monday morning.
Monday morning?

I'm sorry, Mr. bunker,
but I've got to get back
to the shop before dark.

Why?
You see, it's Friday.
I'm not allowed to drive
the truck after sundown.

What's driving a truck
got to do with this?

Arch, I think what Mr. Levy
is trying to tell you
is that he's orthodox.

Orthodox what?

Jewish.
Oh, geez!

Come on,
don't tell me that.

You, orthodox?
A clean-cut kid like you?

I seen them guys all my life
with the long black coats
and hats and beards.

Come on, Levy,
look at yourself.

You're no more orthodox
than me.
I think I am.

Now, wait a minute.
I know what it is.

It's a question of dough.
How much?

It has nothing to do
with money.

The job will only cost you
a few dollars... on Monday.

But what about now?
I'm sorry, but I've got to
go to temple for services.

It's forbidden for me
to work after dark.

Wait a minute.
It ain't dark out.

My shop is minutes away,
and sunset is : today.

You run around on Friday nights
knowing the exact times
of the sunsets?

Mr. bunker, I have to go.
Do you want me to come back
Monday or not?

Look, do the job now.

Say three
"hail, moseses" tomorrow.
It cleans it up for you.

I just can't do it.

He's right, Archie.
Here it is.

"Sunset : ."

You wanna know
when high tide is?

Yeah, Edith.
We sail at midnight.

Now, Levy, what's the name
and telephone number
of your rabbi?

It won't do any good.
Let me try
to get an okay.

Listen, we used to do it
in the army for catholic guys
much tougher than you.

You know, so's they could
eat meat on Fridays.

Listen, if the pope
could wink his eye on that--

I mean, after all, this is only
a little "mispensation" here.

I'm sorry. I can't go
against my religion.

Hey, turning down business.
That's against your religion.

I can only answer that insult
with an old Jewish expression.

[ Speaking Hebrew ]

What the hell
does that mean?

You'll never know,
but believe me, I got even.

I've had it, arch.
I'm going to kelcy's.

What are you gonna do, Archie?
What else can I do?
I'm going with him.

Well, wait for us!
We wanna see it too!

[ Men chattering ]

Hiya, fellas.

Hey, kelsey, do me a favor.
Turn on the channel news.

Are you out of your head?
There's bets
ridin' on this game.

I know, but listen,
I'm on the Walter cronkite
news tonight.

Well, as soon as
the game is over you can
give me your autograph.

Right now, shut up!
Aw, come on, fellas!

I'll tell you what-- I'll
set up drinks for everybody.
Just turn it on, huh?

That's up to the boys.
What do you say?

Okay.
Come on, let's go.

Never mind that.
Turn that on first!
All right, all right.

...On reaction to the new
Nixon economic policies,

we sought the views
of some average working men.

During the lunch break
at a plant in Manhattan,
we talked to--

that's the guy that asked me
the questions, Edith.

And here is one of those men,
Mr. Archie bunker.
[ All cheering ]

[ Announcer ]
We interrupt this program...

To bring you a special report
from CBS news in Washington,

where president Nixon
is about to address the nation.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the president
of the United States.

[ Archie ]
Wait! Where am I?

During a four-year term,
the president
of the United States...

Sitting in this historic room--

what's he doin' up there?
I'm supposed to be on there!

He's probably gonna make
an important announcement
about boy scout week.

What's Nixon saying?

Something about
the supreme court.

Oh. I bet he's gonna nominate
his buddy bebe rebozo.

He's always on there talkin'
and makin' people nervous.

Why is he doing this to me?
I'm only tryin' to help him.

Oh, Archie, he don't know
what he's doin'.

Come on, kelsey.
Nobody's listening to this.

Wait a minute. Hold it.
They may get back to me
any minute.

Nixon's almost finished.

...Throughout
this great land of ours.

Thank you
and good night.

[ Archie ]
Oh, good night, nurse.

Come on, kelcy.
Put the ball game on.
Wait a minute!

There might be
a piece of me on there--
who's this guy?

That's Dan rather.

He's gonna tell everybody
what Mr. Nixon just said.

Come on, kelsey!

Archie,
I gotta change it.

Go ahead and change it.
Let's get outta here.

Hey, arch, six bucks
for the drinks, huh?

Aw, geez.

I tell ya,

that Nixon's gonna open
his mouth once too often.

He ain't gonna have
Archie bunker
to kick around no more.

I wanna tell you,
that was the lousiest break
I ever had.

Oh, arch,
you just got pre-empted.

That's the way Nixon
does things-- he runs
the country by surprise.

Why don't he let somebody else
talk for a change?
[ Doorbell rings ]

You're right, arch.
He shouldn't have cut you off.
You're as smart as he is.

Certainly.

Hi, everybody.
Hey, I saw your show,
Mr. bunker.

That was a great makeup job.

- Huh?
- You looked just like Nixon.

How'd they do that,
sponges in the cheeks?

Oh, come on, Lionel,
cut that out.

[ Giggling ]

Lionel, you're turning out to be
a regular flop Wilson, ain't ya?

[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.