02x09 - Mike's Problem

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

Gloria,
what are you doin'?
I'm just trying to help.

You wanna help?
I'll tell you how you
can help. Don't help!

Michael, I just wanted
to say that I don't think
you should be worried...

About the problem
that's been happening
between us lately.

Worried?
Do I look worried?

Well, I'm not... worried.

Michael, I understand.
No, you don't, Gloria.

If you understood, you'd know
that the last thing I wanna hear
is you saying, "I understand."

I understand.

Gloria! Please,
I'm trying to work!
Will you leave me alone?

Okay!

Gloria!
What's the matter?

Nothing!

Yes, there is.
I can tell.
No, nothing.

Oh, come on. Come on.
You can tell me.

Ma, did you ever wonder
if daddy stopped loving you?

Is that what's
bothering you?

You think your father
don't love me no more?

No, ma. It's not daddy
I'm thinking about.
It's Michael.

Michael?
Why wouldn't Michael
love me no more?

No, ma.
The problem's between
Michael and me.

Ohh.
Well, what is it?

Ma, you know I can't
tell you about
a sexual problem.

Sexual?
Yes!

Can I?

Why not?

I mean, I'm your mother,
and if you have
a problem about s--

something to do with...

One of those problems,
you can tell me.

All right.
It's Michael.

You see... lately
we've been apart.

Why?

Well, lately he
hasn't been able to--

you see?
I can't tell you.

Oh, Gloria, I'm sorry.
It's crazy.

The longer it goes on,
the more worried he gets,

and the more
guilty about himself
and the more angry at me.

Oh, well, don't worry.
I'm sure it'll be all right.

I have a call in to Dr. Kermit.
Maybe he'll know what's wrong.

Oh, sure. He'll know.

It's probably just something
that's goin' around.

Ho-ho-ho and whoop-de-doo.

First time in years a subway
ride turned out to be fun,
and no thanks to the city.

Comin' home on the subway,
who do you think I bump into
on the train?

A guy I ain't seen in years.
Bummy fensel was his name.

Funniest little kid
in the neighborhood.

He was always runnin' around
with droopy drawers
and wet under the nose.

And I wanna tell you
what he used to do.
He'd eat anything for money.

We used to give him two cents.
He'd eat a fly.

For three cents,
he'd eat a half a worm.

Hey. Hey, are you
listenin' to me?
Hey, meathead!

Oh, were you
talkin' to me, arch?

[ Mockingly ]
Was I talkin' to you?

Well, I thought I was.
There ain't nobody else here.
Edith!

- I'm studyin'.
- Aw, go on. Studyin'.

I come home with one of
the funniest antidotes
of all time,

a story with some real human
interest in it, and you sit
there like you're an accountant.

Hello, Archie.
Dinner's all ready.

Yeah, well, first you
oughta tell the captain of
the Polish unemployment team...

To get his books
off of this table!

Well, actually, Archie,
I thought you wouldn't mind
eating in the kitchen tonight.

Oh, you thought that,
huh, Edith?

Yeah, you see, his big
final exams is tomorrow.

Well, my dinner
is tonight!

Now, come on,
meathead.
Let's move it, huh?

Daddy, doesn't Michael
have any rights around here?

He certainly does.
He has the right to know
what I am about to say.

Get the hell out
of the dining room!

No, Michael.
You stay where you are.
You sit right there and study.

Hey! Since when do you
start orderin' me around?

I am not ordering you around.
Would you stop being
so sensitive?

I will when you stop
being so hostile!

Aw, will youse both dummy up?
Edith, I want my dinner.

I am not being hostile!
Yes, you are! What do you
call coming in here--

hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Put a lid on it, will ya?

I don't wanna hear
no more arguin'.

The only sound
I wanna hear is the sound
of dinner being served...

On this here table
in this here dining room.

That's fine with me.
I don't have to study
here anymore.

What are you saying?
I decided it's
too tough for me, Gloria.

I'm gonna quit college
and get a job.
Oh, Michael, don't be childish.

Let him be childish!
Be childish!

Daddy, you be quiet.
He doesn't know
what he's saying.

Oh, oh! Now I've
lost my mind too, huh?

Well, you must have!
What kind of job do you
figure to get without a degree?

Well, I don't care! What's the
difference? I'll drive a truck,
pump gas, collect garbage!

Bingo! Start collectin'
the garbage off the table here!

Is that all you want, arch?
You just want this stuff
off the table?

Well, why didn't you
just say so?
Michael, no!

[ Phone rings ]
I'll get it!
That's for me!

Don't anybody touch it!
Did you hear what I said?
Don't answer that phone!

Michael, get your books
back on this table,

and, daddy,
you eat in the kitchen,
or I'll k*ll myself!

Oh, come on, Archie.

It won't be so bad
in the kitchen.

Remember Arthur?
He used to eat in
the kitchen all the time.

Arthur?
Arthur was a cat.

What is goin' on?
I feel like an outcast
in my own home.

What the hell are they
fightin' about out there?

We're gonna have
a nice pot roast,
and as a special added treat,

kosher pickles...

Cut in four pieces,
just the way you like 'em.

Well, that ain't the way
I like 'em. I like 'em cut
in four pieces lengthwise.

These here
are crosscuts.

And what's the problem
with them two?

Well, Archie, I don't know
the whole story, but--

oh, I just can't tell you.
You just don't like to hear
about such things.

I like to hear
about everything that's
goin' on in this house.

Now, what kind of
a problem have they got?

[ Clicks tongue ]
Well...

It's sexual.

Shush!

You know I don't
like to hear nothin'
about that there.

You better hear
about this, Archie.

Well... all right.
You can tell me.

But start slow.

Don't put in
nothin' extra, see?

And I'll say "stop"
when I know what it is.

Well--

you remember you once
told me about a fella,

petey Simpson,
who came back from the w*r--

stop! I know what it is.

- And he wasn't able to--
- stop! I know what it is.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, nah, Edith.
Oh, yeah.
Gloria told me.

And she was there.

Oh, Edith, it can't be.

There's nothing wrong
with him like that.
I mean, look at him.

He's healthy there. He's strong.
Geez, he goes through groceries
like an earth remover.

Wait a minute. Shh.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Michael?
All right.
Leave me alone.

No! Now, calmly.

We have to discuss this
openly, intelligently
and calmly.

You said calmly twice!
Damn it!
Would you let me finish?

Aha! That doesn't sound
calmly to me, Gloria.

Now, the phone call
I just got was from
Dr. Kermit.

Now, I asked him
about your problem--
you what?

All I wanted to do--
Gloria,
without telling me?

That's not the kind of thing
I want spread all over town,
you know!

Gee whiz!
Oh, boy. I'm glad you're
taking such a mature attitude.

Well, Gloria, if the shoe
were on the other foot,
what would you do?

I'd forget my enormous
male ego and want to know
what the doctor said.

Who cares what the doctor said?
Maybe you care, but I don't.

What did he say?

He said this sort of,
uh, problem...

Is often caused by anxiety--
like a man worried about
his job, for example.

Yeah?
Yeah, or a student
worried about his exams.

So tomorrow, when your exams are
over and the anxiety disappears,
so will the problem.

Yeah, but how can
you be sure?
Well, chances are--

oh, well, chances are,
chances are. That's so--
would you be reasonable?

The man can't give you
a written guarantee.

Then what good is he?

Gloria, I need
that guarantee!

Archie, what are you
gonna do about the kids?

What do you want me to do,
cast a spell over them?

Leave me out of it, will ya?

And from now on,
you tell your daughter
when I come home from work,

I want to have my dinner
in my own dining room.

Let them send their problems
to "dear abie."

Oh, that's wonderful!

Oh, Michael,
I'm so proud of you.

Okay, honey.
Hurry home. Bye-bye.

Ma, he just took his last exam,
and he feels sure he passed.

Oh, Gloria,
that's wonderful.

Uh, ma?
Are you and daddy
going out tonight?

You want some time alone.
Where's your father?

He's still in the bathroom.
He's been in there
for minutes.

Archie?

[ Archie ]
What?

When are you comin' out?

Why, you sellin' the house?

You've been in there
for minutes.

Who are you,
the official timekeeper?

What are you doin'
in there anyway?

I'm changin' a tire!

One more word outta ya,
and I ain't never comin' out!

Better stop it, ma.
Yeah.

How do I look?
All right?
You look very nice, dear.

But that ain't the same dress
you had on five minutes ago.

I know, ma, but Michael
thinks the other dress
is the sexiest one I have,

and the last thing I wanna do
is put any pressure on him.

What is it with
youse two, huh?

Draggin' me outta the only room
in the house where I can have
a little real peace and quiet.

Oh, come on, daddy.
It's the bathroom, not a chapel.

[ Mocking gibberish ]

Edith, will you go out
and get me a beer, huh?

Archie, would you like
to go out with me tonight?

Where to?

Well, we could
visit Sybil gooly.

She's in the hospital
with gallstones.

Gallstones I'm acquainted with,
Edith. Who is Sybil gooly?

Well, she's the checker
at the third counter
at ferguson's market.

Oh, someone near
and dear to us all.

Listen, I get what
you're tryin' to do.

Meathead's exams are over.
He's comin' home, huh?

You and Gloria got it all
hatched up so that they can
have the house alone tonight.

Archie,
you're so smart.
Aw, come on!

You don't have to soft-soap me
to get me outta here. I can
leave the house on my own hoof.

Where are you goin'?
Where am I goin'? I'm goin'
down to kelcy's saloon,

where the only problem
is closin' time.

You can go and enjoy yourself
with Sybil gooly
and her gallstones.

He says to me,
"Archie, keep your money.

For old times' sake,
I'll do it for nothin'!"

Hey, arch.

What are you doin' here?
Somethin' the matter at home?

I haven't been home yet.
You ain't been home yet?
Then what am I doin' here?

I wanted to talk to you, arch.
You know, in private.

Oh, well, now, listen. If it's
what I think it is, I oughtn't
be the one to talk to.

You go home by yourself
and work it out.

But that's just it, arch.
I'm scared of goin' home.

It's like facin'
another exam.

Arch, why can't you
give me the benefit of
an older man's experience?

Lay off my experience!

Arch, I'm worried about
somethin' real important to me.
Why can't you help me out?

Because you're never worryin'
about somethin' normal.

Like, what are
the New York jets gonna do
about Joe namath's knee?

Think about that.
All your worries are weirdo.

That's what you call
what's botherin' me,
a weirdo worry?

Well, what would
you call it?
Well, it's anxiety.

Aww, geez!
Yeah, it's like Dr. Kermit said,
anxiety over exams.

It ain't got nothin'
to do with anxiety.

You're just nervous,
that's all.

Your exams went and they
took your mind off
certain things.

Now, listen.
This is what you gotta do.

Before you go
to sleep at night,

sit down and say to yourself,
"is there anything else
that I forgot to do?"

You could even write
yourself a little note.
Maybe that would help.

That's ridiculous!
Well, you asked me,
didn't you?

Keep it down.

All I'm sayin' is,
before you go to bed
just look around,

see what's there...
Read your note!

Thanks, arch.
You've been a great help.

Hey, Tommy,
could you fill this up
with some draft, please?

Sure.
Hi, Mike.
Hi, bunker.

Hi, Mr. Jefferson.
Oh, hi there, Jefferson.
Uh, say-- excuse me, will ya?

Say, uh,
Jefferson, there,

can I talk to you over here
about, uh, some business?

Oh, sure, sure.
[ Clears throat ]

What's up?
Well, this is
kinda private,

and it's a little bit,
you know, delicate.

I got this friend of mine,
and he's got what you call
"connubible" difficulties.

That means he's a married man,
but the trouble with him is
that he can't, uh--

he's, uh--
he's stuck in neutral.

I got you.

It's a well-known fact
that youse people--
I mean, the men--

I mean, when it
comes to members
of the opposite, uh,

you got a special kind
of "stanima."

You know what I mean?
Oh, yeah. I hear we're very
advanced in that department.

Yeah, well,
that's why I come
to you for help, see?

Oh, I don't know, bunker.
I don't know if I can
tell ya that.

I mean, it's such
a well-guarded racial secret.

Come on. Come on.
I mean, what does it for you?

You can tell me.
I won't tell nobody else.

I mean,
we're neighbors, ain't we?
We're practically friends.

Yeah, practically.

Yeah, well, now, uh,
I hear tell that, uh,

there's somethin'
in that soul food
youse are always eatin'...

That gives you
a lot of moxie.

You hit it
right on the button.
I did?

Well, now that you guessed it,
I might as well tell you.
It's the--

it's the hog jowls.
Hog jowls?

Now, here's what
you wanna do.

Try a jowl in the morning
and a jowl at night,
and you'll be just fine.

Oh, listen.
I almost forgot to tell ya
about the side effects.

Side effects?
Oh, yeah. Listen,
you start in with them jowls,

and you might develop
a sudden craving to shine shoes.

You might even get an urge
to run down to the airport
and start carryin' bags.

Listen, I even heard
of one extreme case...

Where a man tap-danced
himself to death.

Here you go. Good night,
Tommy. Night, Mike.
Good night.

Night, bunker.
I hope you're feelin' better.

I don't see how you're
gonna help them people.
They never talk serious.

And what about you?
Are you still sittin' here?

Why don't you go home?
I'll go home
when I'm ready.

I'm just not ready.
Well, you got a wife home.
Don't you never think about her?

Archie, you kiddin' me?
That's all I been thinkin'
about, night and day.

Thinkin' about her now?
Sure!

Then you're ready.
Go home.

Hey, Tommy.
Yeah?

Let me ask you somethin'.
Sure.

What do you know...

About hog jowls?

Gloria, I'm goin' now.

Okay, ma.
Thank you. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.

Oh! Hi, Mike.
Hi, ma.
Where you goin'?

Well, I'm going down
to kelcy's...

To sit with Archie.

Bye.

Bye, ma.

Hi there, Gloria.

I'm so glad the exams
went well.
Oh, yeah. Me too.

I, uh, think I
passed everything.

Good.
All the anxieties are gone.

Then again,
I might not have passed.

Uhh--
poor baby.
You must be exhausted.

Yeah. Yeah, I-I am.
I'm-- I'm tired, Gloria.

I'm-- I'm very,
very tired.

Then you go right upstairs
and go to sleep.

I'm not that tired.

I think I'll just
sit down here for a while
and watch a little tv.

But you never watch tv.

Yeah, well, tonight
there's a special movie
I've been dying to see.

What?
Uhh--

well, it was
in here yesterday.

Look, it's still here.
Uh--

"the return of the sand crab.

"Japanese, .

"Naraz, a monster sand crab,
teams up with mothra,
rodan and Godzilla...

To save Japan from an invasion
by superhuman vegetables."

Huh? Doesn't that
sound great?

What are you doin'?

Something to
help you relax.
Oh.

Well, uh... you don't
have to do that, Gloria.

Oh, does it bother you?
No, no.

It-- it doesn't bother me.

It's, uh-- it's nice.

So you passed your exams,
Michael, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I think I did,
uh, very well.

I knew you would.
Are you feeling better now?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, this is, uh--
this is great.

I mean,
this is sensational.

♪ [ Tv: Melodramatic ]

Hey, Edith,
what's the name
of that sand crab?

Naraz.

And what's the name of
the monster cauliflower?

That's veggo.

And that other thing that
looks like a giant set of lips,
that's mothra.

- [ Phone ringing ]
- Mothra, veggo--

why do they have to give 'em
such screwball names?

It's bad enough I hear
the English comin' out of
a mouth that's movin' in jap.

- Hey, arch.
It's for the missus.
- For me?

Yep.
Oh, my.

Thank you.
Okay.

Hello? Oh, hello, Gloria.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Yeah. All right. Bye.

Archie, we can
go home now.

Hold your horses,
will ya, Edith?
It's just gettin' good here.

Hey, look at that, look at that.
It's a big hunk of broccoli
runnin' after a jap.

[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.