02x08 - The Blockbuster

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ together ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ together ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

ooh, I've never been
so cold in my life.

Ma, what's taking daddy so long?
I'm freezing.

Archie, did you fix
the furnace yet?

[ Clattering ]
[ Archie ]
Long ago, Edith.

But I'm staying down here
because I love the cellar.

Oh, I see.
Dingbat.

Gloria, pass the toast.
Here.

Have some more coffee.
It'll take the chill
off your bones.

Thanks, ma. Why does the furnace
only break down on Sundays?

Your father made up
a joke about that.

He said, "we got
a religious oil burner.

It never works on Sunday."
[ Laughing ]

When your father told me,
I thought I'd never stop
laughing.

Well, I think I got
the damn thing fixed.

We should have some heat
up here in a few minutes.
Oh, good.

Yeah, but a funny thing hit
me when I was down there.

[ Laughs ]
We got a religious
oil burner.

It don't work Sundays.
[ Laughing ]

I just told them
that joke, Archie.

Oh, thank you.
[ Doorbell buzzes ]

I'll get it.

Wait a minute.
Hold your horses
there, meathead.

Don't be grabbin' seconds
till other people
get firsts.

- [ Edith ] Who was that?
- Someone delivering
these leaflets.

Oh. What does it say?

It says, "would you like
to sell your house?

"The Chester byrd
real estate agency
is prepared to offer you...

"A substantial profit
on your original purchase
price if you'll act now.

If interested,
call Mr. byrd at --"

let me see that there
leaflet. "Chester byrd--"

"substantial profit." They got
them words underlined here.

Hey, who would want to pay
a lot of money for this house?

Are you kiddin'?
They don't build homes
like this nowadays.

This house is constructed
way better than the new ones
you see around today.

So are the pyramids,
but who'd want to live there?

You would if they'd
let you in for nothin'.

Daddy, you still haven't
answered Michael's question:

Who would want
to buy this house?

Lots of people,
little girl.
Oh, I don't know, Archie.

Oh, all right, Edith.
I ain't sayin' everybody.

After all, one man's goose
is another man's gander.

All I'm saying is...

That somewhere
there's a man for who
this house is perfect.

What if he lives in Japan?

Then he loses out, Edith.

But, daddy, why would you
want to sell? Your mortgage
is almost paid up.

Yeah. It doesn't
make any sense.

Certainly it makes sense.

I bought this house
years ago for $ , .

The way prices are goin' up,
maybe I could turn it over today
for , , maybe .

Yeah, but, Archie,
wherever you move in New York
is gonna cost you that much.

So who says we gotta live
in New York? Maybe we could live
someplace cheaper, cost less.

Like where?
Oh, use your imagination,
will ya?

There's plenty of places.
Out west, for example.

You got a little elbow room
out there.

A man can move along
the mountaintops without
people pushin' and shovin'.

Where you don't seldom hear
no discouraging word.

He means California.

That's right, California.
Hey, Edith, just
for the fun of it,

run upstairs
and get that box.

Oh, yeah.
What box is that?

Their travel folders.
Every winter when daddy
gets cold,

they sit and dream about
moving out west, but they
never get out the box.

Out of the box. Well,
listen, someday I might just
surprise you, little girl.

"Chester byrd real estate."

This looks like a legitimate
reality company here--
Chester byrd.

You know, I think I'm
just gonna call this guy up,
see what's goin' on.

You're wasting your time.
Boy, talk about acting out
your fantasies.

Aw, button up, youse two.
What's the harm in callin'
the guy, huh?

Just to see what he says.
There we are.

Here's the box, Archie.

All right, Edith.
I'm on the line here.
[ Clears throat ]

Hello. Uh, Chester byrd?
Oh, this is Mr. byrd.

This is Archie bunker
of hauser street,

my residence from which
I'm calling you here.

And I just found
a leaflet at my door,

and the words
"substantial profit"
caught my eye.

I was wondering
what that would come to
in dollars and cents.

Not on the phone? Ah.

Oh, you could come over?
Oh, sure. Sure.

You can come on over.
Why not?

Yeah, fine. Okay. Bye.

Ah. Never make a move, huh?

Well, Mr. Chester byrd,
whose office is just up here
on the boulevard,

will be around
in three minutes.

Edith, what are you
sticking in my spine?

You wanted the box.

Can't you just leave it
over there?
Sure.

Archie, you'd really
leave New York?

I might. After all,
why not, huh? What's
the big attraction here?

The weather out there,
which is always "louzay."

Edith, read some of them
pamphlets there.

"Come to the land
of milk and honey."

Yeah, California.
No, Archie.
That's Israel.

Oh, here it is.

"California--
the land of sunshine."

Yeah, sunshine
and clean air.

Archie's cousin Rudy
lives out there.

Bertha's boy. In el monte.

El monte.
Oh, don't that sound pretty?

Just imagine--
he says in the morning...

You can reach your hand
out the bedroom window...

And pick an orange
off the tree.

You done that in New York,
you get your hand mugged.

Come on, Archie. California's
just as bad as New York.

Oh, listen to our
world traveler over here.

Never been west
of the Chicago stockyards,

but now he's a regular
Marco Polish.

Funny, arch.
That's funny.

I suppose it wouldn't be nice
to live in a neighborhood
where you go for a walk...

Without fearing to take
your life in your hands.

Oh, come on, arch.
What are you talkin' about?

You can't run away.
There's no hiding place.

Oh, yes there is--
safe city.
Safe city?

That's right.
Safe city, California.
Right here.

Where the minorities
don't outnumber the majorities.

Look what they got here.
Tv monitors in all the lobbies.

They got-- they got
special locks all over.

They got armed guards
around the clock and a -foot
wall around the whole place.

It's beautiful.
He's gonna move
to San Quentin.

No. Santa Monica.

Right on the ocean.

"Just off the centinela exit
of the Santa Monica freeway."

Oh, my, don't that sound
romantic?

The centinela exit
of the Santa Monica freeway.

Sounds a whole lot better
than flushing.

Or the gawanus canal.

Which if you threw a stick
into it, it wouldn't splash,
it bends.

Daddy, what would you do
about a job?

Yeah, that's right, arch.
I hear they're laying off
lots of men in California.

- Things are pretty bad there.
- They ain't bad for everybody.

Come on, arch.
I've heard you say
it a hundred times.

You'd never move
out of this neighborhood.

You never even go anywhere
when you have a vacation.

Oh, we did once.
Archie took me to Atlantic city.

Sure.
I'm willing to travel.

We had to come home, though,
after only two days.

Because you said you couldn't
use a strange bathroom.

Will you stifle yourself?

We came home early
because you went crazy
in the ocean.

Your mother, instead of staying
with me there in the water,
holdin' onto the rope,

she turns over on her back
and goes floatin' out to sea.

Like mopey d*ck.

The great white dingbat.

I'm a good floater.
Stifle yourself!

[ Doorbell buzzes ]
There he is. There he is.
There's Chester byrd now.

Don't do anything, Edith.
Youse two sit there like you
don't care about nothin', right?

Edith, don't open the door yet.
Let me get into the kitchen...

'Cause I don't want him
to think I'm too anxious
about anything, see?

When I'm in here,
you open the door.
Go ahead now.

Oh.
Mrs. bunker? Chester byrd,
Chester byrd real estate.

How do you do?
Won't you come in?
Thank you.

Let me take your coat.
My husband is in the kitchen.

Archie, Mr. byrd is here.

[ Archie ]
Oh, is he? Say, would you like
a nice soft drink, Mr. byrd?

Or would you prefer
somethin' hard?
Soft will be fine.

Pour yourself
a hard one, arch.

Won't you sit down,
Mr. byrd?

You know, I get
a real homey feeling here.
A real welcome feeling.

Oh, I'm very glad you do.

Here we are. A little light
refreshments in order
before we start to talk--

thank you, Mr. bunker.
You're colored.

Gee, arch,
we didn't think you'd notice.

You didn't sound colored
on the phone.

I used a white telephone.

Well, shall we
get down to business?
Well, uh--

[ phone ringing ]
Wait a minute. Hold it.
Hold everything here.

The telephone.

Hello.

Oh, it's you, mcnab.
What do you want?

You saw who comin' in?

Listen, mcnab, don't give me--
hey, mcnab, keep your shirt on,
will ya?

No, I ain't-- I--

I ain't gonna "ell-say"
the "ouse-hay" to no "Ade-spay."

Just calm down, will ya?
I'll talk to you about
it later. Good-bye.

Well, uh, Mr. byrd,

all I got to say to you is...
Thanks for droppin' by.

Wait a minute, Mr. bunker.
I came to talk
about your house.

Well, uh, I just made up my mind
that I-I ain't gonna sell it.

Oh? Has something happened
to color your decision?

Now, wait a minute.
Color ain't got nothin'
to do with it.

See, I just don't
want to sell you my house,

and that's all there is to it,
Mr. blackbird-- byrd.

My decision is, uh--
my decision is final,

and you ain't got enough money
to change my mind...

So there's no sense
in you wastin' your time.

Well, it's my time.
Yeah, well, after all,
I can throw figures at you,

but then you ain't got
the money to pay.

Try me.
What do you have to lose?

Well, if that's the only way
you'll take a no, all right.
I'll throw figures at you.

I could say-- I could say,
what, uh, $ , .

"Old-say."
Huh?

Sold.

I don't believe it!
$ , for this house?

Uh, Mr. byrd,
what my son-in-law means
is that for all we know...

This house could maybe
be worth a lot more.

Would you sit down there,
Michael, please?

Don't get me wrong, Mr. byrd.
$ , is pretty good
as a startin' figure.

Oh, come on, Mr. bunker.
Let's be up front
with each other.

Your house is only
worth $ , to me.
I'll tell you why.

You see, it's just that
black people can't get into
neighborhoods like this.

Now, there are a lot of houses
just like yours on the block.

So if you don't
want to sell, I'm sure
one of your neighbors will.

After that, when a few more
black families move in,
[ Chuckles ]

Your house is gonna be
worth less-- a lot less.

Blockbuster!
What?

Archie, this guy's
a blockbuster!
Oh, will you sit down!

He buys one or two houses
at a top price and gets
the rest at rock bottom.

It's free enterprise, boy,
and I'm a business man.

Yeah! It's a rotten business!
Archie, don't you see?

He buys homes from whites
and then takes advantage
of his own people...

By selling to them
for two or three times
what a house is worth.

You know, Mr. bunker,
your son-in-law reminds me
of my kid brother.

Head in the clouds. No idea
what it takes to get along
in the world.

Meathead, huh?
Exactly.

Archie, don't you see
what he's doing?
Will you sit down!

But, Archie--
well, what do you say,
Mr. bunker?

Do we have a deal at ?
I've got the papers right here.

Yes. Right there.
Good.

That'll be just fine.
Edith, get away from me.

Here's a pen.
Archie.

Owww!

What are you doing
to my arm?
I gotta speak to you, Archie.

Mr. byrd, I'd like to talk
to my husband for a minute.

Is that all right?
Go right ahead.

What is the matter with you?
Archie, I don't think
we should sell the house.

What? For $ , ?

But I'm not sure
I want to move to California.

$ , . $ , !
Archie, I don't--

we may never get a chance
like this again, Edith.

And listen,
it ain't just the money.
You'll love it out there.

Just imagine yourself
all year long...

Runnin' around
with just a blouse
and a pair of pants.

But you don't like me
in pants, Archie.

Out there
I'll like you in pants.

But we're rushing into it,
Archie.

Can't we sit down
and talk it over?
No! I wanna make this deal!

No! Mr. byrd,
Edith!

We would like to sit down
and talk this over as a family.

Is that all right?
Sure. I understand.

I'll sit in my car
until you're ready.
Oh, thank you.

Wait a minute there,
Mr. byrd. Uh, listen.

Don't worry about this here.
You and me is gonna do business.
Good. Good.

Oh, and by the way, when
you come back, this door ain't
such a good idea comin' in.

If you could--
sure. Sure.

I understand.
I'll go around to the--
to the back door?

Yeah. Because, you know,
these nosy neighbors, watchin'
everything on the street, see?

Sure. I understand.
All right. I'll see you,
Mr. bunker.

Yeah. When you sit in
your car, keep your
head down, huh?

Archie--
don't argue
with me, nobody! I'm gonna
make this deal, $ , .

Call Rudy in California.
On the phone?

No, Edith. Open up
the window and holler.
Get him on the phone.

Archie, how can you sell
to a blockbuster?

Daddy, think of what
you're doing to those
poor black families.

What is the matter with you
two bleedin' heart liberals?

See what I'm doin'?
I'm givin' a family of deservin'
coloreds a chance to move...

Into a decent neighborhood,
away from their own kind.

And youse two here
are fightin' me.

Yeah, that's right. 'Cause it's
your pocketbook that's talkin'.

You couldn't care less
about helpin' blacks.

- Archie, it's ringin'.
- The two of youse,
just butt out of this thing.

And, Edith, no more arguments
out of you. Give me the phone.
All of youse, dummy up.

[ Clears throat ]
Hello. Rudy? Hey, this is
cousin Archie in New York.

Yeah. How are you? Hey,
how's the weather out there?

Oh, degrees?
Oh, beautiful!

Hey, Rudy, the reason
I called is, I got a chance
today to sell the house.

Yeah, sure. Maybe I'll make
, profit or more.

Pretty good, huh?
Hey, listen.

If I close the deal,
sell the house
and get the cash,

and if I can come out there
to California, could you--

huh? You what? You could?

Oh, geez!
Oh, boy, that's great!

Hey, Rudy, you're a peach.
Wait till I tell Edith.

Hey, listen.
I'll call you back. I'm gonna
close the deal any minute.

You hang around by the phone,
huh? Okay, Rudy. Bye.

Now that clinches it.
Not only has Rudy got a job
waitin' for me out there,

but he's gonna let us all
stay in his beautiful home
till we find a place of our own.

But, Archie, I thought
we were gonna talk it over.

What else is there
to talk over, Edith?

What kind of job
are you gonna get?

It ain't a job, it's a position.
Rudy owns a factory out there.

- Practically offered me
a partnership just now.
- Daddy, why should he do that?

Cousin Rudy's almost
a stranger. He's never
even been to the house.

'Cause he's been out in
California makin' a fortune.

He's a smart young guy.
Edith, tell 'em about Rudy.
Where the hell are ya?

What are you doin' over here?
We're talkin' about
California there.

I'm just lookin' where
we used to measure Gloria.

Here she is at eleven,
and here she is at two.
Remember?

Will you stop swingin'
down memory Lane!

These things don't mean
nothin'. We got a new future
waitin' for us.

Get away from the closet here.
Where you goin' now?

I'm gonna miss these stairs.

Remember how beautiful
Gloria looked...

The day of her wedding,
coming down those steps?

And how do you feel
goin' up and down them steps
all day long, Edith?

In California, you ain't
gonna have to do that.

Everything's on one level.
They ain't got a flight
of stairs in the state.

What about all our things?
What about it, Edith?

Look at it. It's all crummy.
We're gonna sell
the whole lot here.

All except my own chair
here, which is kind of
a one-of-a-kind chair.

- [ Sobbing ]
- Edith, don't start
bawling now.

I can't help it, Archie.
I'm used to this house.

And now I'll have to go
to someplace strange...

And get used
to everything new.

And wear pants!
[ Sobbing ]

Will you explain your mother
to me? There she goes bawlin'.
[ Doorbell buzzing ]

Five minutes ago,
she's reachin' out
the window for oranges.

You'd never understand it.
Oh, hi, Lionel.
Hey. How's it goin'?

Hiya, Lionel. Come on in.
I got some big news for you.

You're gonna have
some new friends.
Some coloreds are movin' in.

No! Where?
Right here in this house.

They're gonna
move in with you?

Oh, not that, Lionel.
I mean they're gonna move
here after I leave.

I'm gonna sell 'em
the house.
Oh.

You wouldn't happen
to be selling to a Mr. byrd,
would you?

You know the guy?
Yeah, I know him.

He's what we call
an oreo cookie.

An oreo cookie?

Yeah. You know,
black on the outside,
white on the inside.

Oh. Yeah.

I'm glad you like him.
I thought he was
a decent guy too.

Yeah, I figured you would.

[ Doorbell buzzing ]
Excuse me, Lionel. There he is.
I'm off to California.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
You goin' to California?
Yeah.

Oh, you ain't
gonna be happy there.
Why not?

Well, California's
right next door to watts.

Archie,
Mr. byrd is here.

Oh, here we are.
Welcome back, Mr. byrd.
Are you ready to sign?

I certainly am.
Good, good. I have
the papers right here.

Let's close this deal.
Archie, before you sign,
can I say something?

Aw, make it fast,
will you, Edith?

Archie, I'm your wife,
and I've always done
what you wanted...

Even when you were
wrong, like now.

Whatever you do,
I'll go along with you.

You're gonna love it,
Edith.

But I'm not leavin'
my five-quart casserole...

No matter what you say!

Give me the contract
and the pen.
Where do I sign?

- Right here.
- Yoo-hoo! Anybody home?

Is that Bertha over there?
Hiya, Bertha! Come on in!
Archie!

Come on over there
and sit down. Hey, Edith,
come and see who's here.

Hey, did you get the news
from Rudy in California?

I just got off the phone
with him, and I ran
all the way over here.

Cousin Bertha,
how are you?

Oh, Edith. I know
he never would've done it
without your support.

Thank you.
Is Rudy happy I'm comin'
out to California?

Happy? He's delirious.
[ Laughing ]

Oh, I tell you,
he just said last week,

if he could only get ahold
of $ , , he could get
his head above water.

I tell you, Archie,
he's been sinkin', goin'
down for the third time.

Well, you remember my boy Rudy--
nothin' worked for him here.

Well, the same thing out there.
Every time he opens a business,

his first customer
is the sheriff.

Bankruptcy. And his own brother
wouldn't even loan him a dime.

His Uncle George,
worth a fortune, wouldn't
even come to the phone.

Oh, Archie,

you're givin' him another
chance with your $ , .

Oh, Archie,
I can just see it--
the two of you together.

You'll be the father
he's always needed.

I've gotta go, Archie.

Honest, Rudy is so excited,
he can't wait till you
get out there.

He's getting the garage
all fixed up for you
to live in.

Well, Mr. bunker,
shall we get on with it?

Well, Mr. byrd, I think
before we get any deeper
in this,

I'd better consider my wife's
feelings a little more.

But I just heard her say
she was willing to go along
with you.

Yeah, but then we got...
My son-in-law here.

He don't adjust too easy.
He can't be moved.

Mr. bunker, you're wasting
my time. Is it yes or no?
No.

Well, I'll just have to talk
with some of your neighbors.

I don't think that's
gonna do you any good, Mr. byrd.
They ain't gonna sell to you.

I think you'll find
that all of my neighbors
is just about like me.

They're all just like you, huh?
[ Chuckles ]

That's what
I'm countin' on. Bye.

Oh, I don't like
the sound of that.
Archie, where are you goin'?

Oh, the meathead was right.
That guy is a "blackbuster."

I want you to call
all the neighbors.
Tell them I'm comin' over.

I'm startin' with Jimmy mcnab.
That money-hungry Mick.

He'd sell his own mother
for $ , .

So would most of the people
on this here block.

There's not a one of them with
enough strength of character...

To stand up to that guy
like I done.

I've never been
this hot in my life.

Oh, boy, Archie,
what's with that furnace?

Aw, nuts to you.
Can't you see me workin'
on the thermostat here?

Well, hurry it up.
I'm sweatin' my brains out here.

You done that
when you was in diapers.

Aw, geez!

Well, there it goes!

It's your fault for complainin'
about the heat around here.

Now I'm gonna have to get
a service man in tomorrow.

It's gonna cost me
an arm and a leg.

Here we are.
This'll cool us off.

Ice-cold lemonade.
There.

Ain't this nice?
Just like California.

Will you please
stifle yourself?

[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.