02x06 - The Election Story

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

well, I got another
stack of leaflets.

How many more blocks
do we have to cover?
Only three more.

We still have to canvas
below northern boulevard.

Oh, boy. Practically
all conservative.

But those are the ones
we have to talk to the most.

I just hope it's not
like last night. Remember?

"Get away from my door,
you radical, hippie, yippie,
commie, freak pinko!"

Hey, hey, knock
it off, will ya.

I got a screamin'
headache over here.

[ Mike ]
Oh. Hi, arch.
What are you doin' anyway?

Oh, geez.
The two politicians
are hard at it.

Well, let me tell you somethin'.
If you're still workin'
for the Claire packer woman,

you're wasting your time
'cause this district ain't
gonna put her in the assembly.

That's what you think.
If we get out enough votes,
this could be a very close race.

You want a hot tip?
Put your money on cohn.

He's gonna win by a nose.

Archie, that is not only
an old joke, that's a bad joke.

And it's also
an anti-semitic joke.
That's right.

It's absolutely hateful.
I'm ashamed of you, daddy.

[ Mockingly ]
"I'm ashamed of you, daddy."

You know something?
If I was to open a mouth
to my old man...

Like you just opened
a mouth to me,

he'd have let me have it
right across the kisser.

Wop. Oh, excuse me. Bam.
You can't say "wop"
around here.

[ Doorbell ringing ]
I'll get it.

Oh, leave it alone. It's another
one of them election jerks
beggin' for your vote.

I wanna see.
What is it with her
and this election?

She's interested, Archie.
She's voting for
the first time.

Oh, that's right.
Youth is votin'
for the first time.

"And a little child
shall lead them."

Whoever said that
didn't know nothin'.

Look at this, daddy.
When the youth vote
does count,

political parties won't
still be choosing candidates
by religion like this.

This is terrible.
What's the matter with this?

I call this
representative government.

Salvatore, feldman,
O'Reilly, Nelson.

It's an Italian, a Jew,
an irishman and
a regular American.

It's what I call
a balanced ticket.

Why do you always have
to label people by nationality?

'Cause how else are
you gonna get the right man
for the right job?

For instance,
take feldman there.

He's up for treasurer.
Well, that's perfect.

All them people know
how to handle money.
Know what I mean?

- No, I don't.
- Then you got Salvatore
runnin' for d.A.

He could keep an eye
on feldman.

You know, I wanna tell you
somethin' about the Italians.

When you do get
an honest one, you really
got somethin' there.

Oh, come on, arch.

Here you got O'Reilly,
the Mick.

You can see that the graph
is equally spread around,
you know.

You got Nelson,
the American guy.
He's good for tv appearances.

Make the rest of them
look respectable, you know.

Where do you get
all these ideas?

Oh, from the college
of hard knocks, Sonny boy.

I've been everywhere
the grass grows green.

I've seen everything
there is to see.
[ Doorbell ringing ]

I know people.

The reason you don't know
nothin' about people is you
always got your big mouth open.

You're never willin'
to listen to nobody.

How do you do, sir?
May I have a moment
of your time?

No.

Furthermore,
that Claire packer and the
whole progressive party...

Is sure losers.

Now if you wanna pick
a real winner--

I'm not interested
in picking a "winner."

Well, I knew that the day
you married this guy.

Oh, that's funny, arch.
Very funny.

You don't know anything
about the progressive ticket.

I know one thing
about this election.

It's gonna be won
by Floyd Jay lundey,
your distinguished "incrumbent."

Floyd lundey?
My man.

How can you be for lundey?
Look at his record.
He's against school bussing,

he's voted down every
pay raise for teachers
and he's a hawk on Vietnam.

A great American.
[ Doorbell ringing ]

There's another one
of them pamphlet pests.

They're gonna be ringing
the door all day long.

We ain't interested.

- Archie.
- Oh, geez.

All right, Edith.
Come on in.

Did I do something wrong?

Get in here, will ya!

Have I got news
for you, Archie.

Oh, never mind the news.
Did you bring back
the aspirin?

Gloria, guess what happened
at the supermarket.

They broke the code.
What code?

The secret code
at ferguson's supermarket.

What are you talkin' about?

Ferguson's always puts
a stamp on perishable foods...

That tells him
what day it came in.

But it was in code,
so they knew and we didn't.

But now we know.

I'm waitin' for the aspirin
here, Edith.

Yeah, Archie,
I got it right here.

Now look at these eggs.

See, they're marked x- .

That means they came in
this morning fresh
from the farm.

Oh, I almost forgot.
Guess who broke the code.

J. Edgar hoover.

No, he wasn't
in the store.

It was Claire packer
who broke the code.

You know, she's the one
that Gloria and Mike...

Have been campaignin' for.

Yeah, I know. The one
that's got her big nose
into everything.

Oh, no, not
the American cheese. No.

That's today's. X-l.

Here, eat the Swiss cheese.
X-y. That's yesterday's.

You gotta eat yesterday's
x-y before you eat
today's x-o...

Because tomorrow
today's x-o will be
yesterday's x-y.

See?

Am I goin' too fast
for ya?

D-b'd.
D-b'd?

Dingbat!

I don't want no cheese.

Claire packer.

I'd like to give that
Claire packer a piece
of my mind.

You'll get your chance, daddy.
She's coming here tonight.
What?

Edith! Claire packer
is comin' here tonight?

Just to pick us up.
This is our last night
to ring doorbells.

- Yeah, Archie?
- Get me an ice bag, will ya?

- For your head?
- No, Edith. I wanna
build an igloo.

Will you get it?
Sure.

Right away, Archie.
Claire packer here?

Now, daddy, when she gets here,
please don't start anything.

No nasty remarks,
no insults, please?

Listen. I don't even wanna
look at your Claire packer.

Just let her come in here,
turn around on her broomstick
and fly the hell out of here.

I am sick and tired
of your negative attitude
about Claire.

Who are you
to look down on anyone?
You're not even voting!

What? Gloria,
you didn't tell me that.

That's right.
He's not voting.

Oh, boy.
I don't believe it.
I just don't believe it.

You mean to tell me
that Archie bunker,
super patriot,

flag waver par excellence
is not voting
in tomorrow's election?

Yeah, because I cherish
my vote the way you're
supposed to. That's why.

I don't waste it on these
little meatball elections
around here.

I save my vote
for the biggies.

Did you--
did you hear that?
Did you hear that reasoning?

He's not gonna vote
'cause he saves it
for the biggies.

That's right.
Your presidential,
your senatorial,

your "governororial,"
your "mayorororial."

Daddy, what about
the school bonds?

What do I care about them?
You don't see any schoolkids
running around here, do you?

If you don't care about school
bonds, then you don't care about
the future of your country.

- And you call yourself
an American?
- Yes.

And I think of some of
the things you've called me--
pinko, commie.

Don't forget meathead,
dead from the neck up.

You wrap yourself in the flag
and then you won't even exercise
your right to vote?

You won't do that much
for your country.

Listen, you.
When my country
called me, I was there.

Where was you in ?

I wasn't even born yet.
That ain't no excuse.

[ Doorbell ringing ]
I was over there in Italy
fighting the big one.

missions over Europe
my group flew.

Archie, you were
in the ground crew.

Which without them
the planes would have
never took off.

So you won the big one,
but you don't care
we're losing the w*r at home.

Listen, Americans never
lost no w*r.

- We're losing one right now.
- Huh?

The w*r against poverty,
injustice, ignorance.

That's the w*r
Claire packer's fighting.

- Who are you?
- Claire packer.

Oh, geez. The queen
of the liberals
just blew in.

Well, thank you, Mr. bunker.
It's nice to meet you.

Yeah? Well, it's nice
to meet you too there,
miss Claire packer,

so's I can give you
a piece of my mind.

You know somethin'?
If you liberals go on
gettin' your way,

we're all gonna hear
one big loud flush.

That's the sound of the U.S.A.
goin' down the toilet.

Mr. bunker, I want that vote
of yours tomorrow.

Now you tell me.
How do I get it?

Can you handle a shotgun?

'Cause that's
the only way I know.

Come on, Claire. Let's go.
No, Mike. Just a minute.
I wanna talk to Mr. bunker.

Oh, hello, miss packer.
I didn't know
you were here.

Here's your ice bag,
Archie.

How would you like
a nice cup of coffee?

I just got
some fresh-- x-l.
Thank you.

Edith.
Yeah, Archie?

I wanna thank you
for the ice bag.

You're welcome, Archie.

Now do you suppose I could
have a little ice in it?

Oh, I forgot. Sure.

I'll be right back.

Listen, sis, I got a word
of advice for you.

Women and politics
is like oil and gasoline.

They don't mix.
It's against nature.

Why, Mr. bunker.
You sound like
a male chauvinist.

Right--
an ordinary taxpayer.

Now you better stop runnin'
for public office...

And start runnin'
after a husband.

'Cause I wanna tell you
from where I sit you got
some runnin' to do.

Now just a minute.
Here you are, Archie.

Your ice bag with ice.
All right, Edith.
Leave it there.

The coffee will be ready
in a minute.

'Cause you ain't gonna sell me
none of your progressive
pinko welfare ideas.

What have you got
against welfare?
Everything.

I am sick and tired
of people like you...

Givin' away my hard-earned money
to a bunch of families who
ain't even related to me,

which couldn't be related to me
for "complexionary" reasons,
if you know what I mean.

Are you related to any
of the executives at lockheed?

Huh?
Well, you must be
because you're supporting them.

What are you talkin' about?
I'm talking about
government subsidy.

You're giving welfare
to the rich.

Welfare to the rich?
What is she--

nobody in this country needs
welfare. We got the highest
standard of livin' ever.

And six to seven million
people out of work.

The grossest
national product.

And an inflated economy.

We got the strongest
country on earth.

Capable of being wiped out
by the second strongest
country on earth.

Not if we get them
first, lady.

If we launch, then they launch,
and then we both go up. Boom!

Will you tell me something?
Why is it you liberals...

No matter what subject
you're talkin' about,
you always get around to that?

You guys got more ways
for the world to end...

Than a dog's got fleas.

And you guys got a way
of wrapping up any discussion
with one simplistic line...

That sounds good,
satisfies you
and solves nothing.

Wanna do me a favor?
What?

Scram.

- Daddy, Claire's our friend!
- That's all right, Gloria.

My father had a word for people
who think and talk like you.

I ain't interested.
Mr. bunker,
you are a meathead.

What was that word I heard?

Meathead, arch.

That means dead
from the neck up.

We better get out of here.
He's not voting anyway,

so three out of four votes
from this house isn't bad.

Well, she ain't even gonna
get that, little girl, because
I just changed my mind.

Here's your coffee,
miss packer.
Forget it. She's leaving.

I'm gonna tell you what's
gonna happen around here.
Edith and I are gonna vote.

So that's gonna cancel your
two votes. So from this house
you get zilch.

But more than that,
I'm gonna follow youse into
that neighborhood tonight...

And I'm gonna go over it
with a fine-tooth comb.

I ain't lived around here
for years for nothin'.

These people around here
know Archie bunker.
They're my people.

I'm gonna knock on every door
and I'm gonna say to them all,
"stick to your g*ns, folks.

Vote for lundey!"

Will you quit
breathin' on me?

We're gonna see who's
gonna win this election--

packer or bunker.

What's this one's name?
Kleinheim.

You think it's too early
in the morning?
Not on election day.

Uh, hello, Mrs. kleinheim.

Yeah, I rang your doorbell
last night and you weren't in.

So, I was--

what? No, this is not
an obscene phone call.

Mrs.--

Mrs. kleinheim,
this is the way
I always breathe.

I-I was--
wait, wait--

she's gonna call
the police.

You better make
the rest of the calls.
Okay.

Daddy, you're up.

Up and at it, little girl.
Up and at it.

What were you doing outside?
I was just outside
raisin' the flag...

So that everybody includin'
the foreigners would know...

That this house sits
on American soil.

Coffee, everybody.

Edith, I don't want no coffee
and you better hurry up
with yours...

'Cause we gotta get
out of here and vote.
[ Doorbell ringing ]

- I'll get it.
- You're rarin' to go. Yesterday
you weren't gonna vote at all.

That was before packer's
pinko invasion here.

How do you do?
My name is George Robinson...

And I represent
the gay liberation front.

How do you do?

This must be Mrs. Robinson.

No, I'm Cynthia Nash
of the daughters of sappho.

We wanted to talk to you
about our candidate
in today's election.

Now hold it.
Hold it, Edith.

Let me handle this, huh?

Edith, don't you know
what they are?

She's a daughter of sappho
and he's a gay liberator.

Step aside, will you, huh?

Just let me do
the talkin' here.

Excuse me. Get lost.

Archie,
that wasn't polite.

Edith, do you have to be
a dingbat all of the time?

They seemed like such
a nice couple.

A couple of what?

He ain't a he
and she ain't a she.

I don't know
what you mean.

Edith, do you remember
Richie Clifford
from across the street?

He used to sit on the stoop
knittin' sweaters.

Yeah. He taught me how
to cable stitch.

You remember schultzy's
daughter, Maxine the cab driver,

they wouldn't let into
the teamsters union?

Oh, you mean butch.

Yeah.

Oh.

You mean they're--
yeah, yeah.

Tooty and fruity.

Let's see what kind of garbage
they're givin' out here.
Oh, look at this.

"We are citizens too.
Make it legal
for two consenting adults...

To do whatever they wish
in the privacy
of their own homes."

Why would they need
a law for that?
[ Doorbell ringing ]

Go have your coffee,
huh, Edith. I'll answer
the door here.

Hi, Mr. bunker.
Hi, everybody.
Hello, Lionel.

[ All ] Hi, Lionel.
We're just gettin' ready
to go out and vote.

I'm glad I caught you
because I'm here to do
a little campaigning.

Mr. bunker, I would like you
to vote for diangelo
for city council.

What are you doin'
rootin' for an Italian?

Oh, no, he's black.
Here's his picture.

Hey, look at this.
Gee.

What's this guy doin'
with an Italian name?

Oh, the usual thing--
puttin' it on his letterbox,
on his checks.

[ Mutters ]

I mean, how come
a colored guy's got
a name like diangelo?

It gets confusing,
doesn't it?

There's a lot of black people
named white and a lot of
white people named black.

Just the other day I was
delivering some cleaning
to a family named rockefeller.

Black?
No, white. Sometimes
it works out just right.

So how 'bout it, Mr. bunker?
You gonna vote for diangelo?

In America we got
a secret ballot here.

So all I can tell you
is that I'm gonna vote
with my conscience.

Yeah, that's what
I was afraid of.

Well, thanks anyway. Bye.
[ All ]
Bye, Lionel.

- Well, let's go get 'em.
- All right.

- Go where? What are you doin'?
- We're gonna go vote.

Edith, they're gonna go vote.
Come on. Hurry up.

Finish the coffee, will ya!
They're getting out the door.

Why can't you hurry?
See you at the polls.

Come on, Edith.
Will you get your hat
and coat. Here's your bag.

Hurry up. They're gettin'
ahead of us!

And the voting booth
is right over there.

Thank you, Mrs. Jefferson.

Well, here goes.
My first time.

Don't be nervous, honey.

Come on, meathead.
You're holdin' up
the whole line here.

Can't you see the sign?
"No electioneering."

Under "s", Mrs. Edwards.
Stivic, Michael.

And while you're checking,
see if he passed the
"literaracy" test there.

Will you sign here, please?
Sure.

Good morning, Mr. bunker.
Good morning, Edith.
Good morning, Mrs. Jefferson.

What are you doing here,
Mrs. j? Picking up a couple
extra bucks for yourself?

That's right.
Under "b," Mrs. Edwards.

Bunker, Archibald.

She didn't have to
say it that loud.

Bunker, bunker.
I don't have
an Archibald bunker.

Well, it's in there.
Just look a little further.

- I have an Edith bunker.
- That's me.

That's my wife.
She's in there.
I must be there too.

Well, I can't find
your name either.

What do you mean,
Mrs. Jefferson?
It's gotta be in there.

When was the last time
you voted, Mr. bunker?

Uh, I voted for Nixon.

Well, I should have
a card here for you.
That was in .

No, you didn't vote
for that Nixon.

That was
the Humphrey Nixon.

You voted for
the Kennedy Nixon.

You haven't voted
since ?

Uh-- well, listen. I had
a lot of things to do.

Something was always
comin' up.
Yeah.

Once he had a bad toe spasm.
Stifle it, will you.

Well, I'm awfully sorry,
Mr. bunker,

but if you haven't registered
in years, you're not
eligible to vote.

Now, hold it.
You ain't gonna sit there...

And tell me I ain't gonna
be allowed to vote
in this election!

Hey, hey, hold it down now, Mac.
Now what's the trouble here?

Mr. bunker
isn't registered, officer,
and I can't find his name.

Well, then look in
some other book.
It must be there.

I've been livin' in this
neighborhood for years.

I even went to school
in this buildin' here.
It's gotta be there.

Is his card in the book?
No.

Then you can't vote.
Now step aside and
let the lady vote.

Step aside.

Under "b."
"B" for baloney,
that's what that is.

Why didn't you say
something about this?
Hey, hey, hey!

Is this guy
botherin' you, lady?

Oh, no, he's my husband.

You got my sympathies.

Try and keep him quiet,
will ya.

Will you sign here, please,
Mrs. bunker?
Okay.

And then go
right over there.
Thank you, Louise.

I'll be right back, Archie.
Wait a minute.
Edith, come here.

Now don't say nothin'
to the kids about
what happened over here.

Oh, no, Archie, not a word.
I promise.

Wait. Edith,
Edith, come here.

How you gonna vote?

Oh, I can't
discuss that, Archie.

It's a secret ballot.

Edith! Come over here
and sit down.

I wanna know
how you're gonna vote.

I can't tell
you that, Archie.

A person's vote is between
his conscience and himself.

Edith, remember
when we was married,
what the minister said?

A man and his wife
are as one.

It was a beautiful
thought then...

And it's a beautiful
thought now.

And it was never truer
than now, Edith.

Because between the two of us,
we only got one vote.

Because I'm registered
and you're not.

Because you didn't
remind me to register.

Oh, yes, I did.
How many times? Once?

Really, let's forget it.

Lundey needs all the help
we can give him.

But you got a lot of votes
for him last night.

You was out till midnight
ringin' doorbells.

Edith, listen to me.
I only got as far
as kelcy's bar.

I couldn't get out of there.

Now, Edith,
as man and wife...

We're supposed to share
everything, right?
Yeah.

So I lost my vote,
you share my loss.

You got your vote,
I share your gain.

Fifty-fifty.
See how it works?

Now, this is the way
I want you to vote our vote.

[ Mike ]
Hey, folks.
Dummy up.

Aren't you guys
gonna vote?

Yeah, I better go in now.

- What about you, arch?
- Oh, I already voted.
I done that.

- That fast?
- Well, all I had to do was go
in and vote against packer.

In and out like a shot,
that's all.

Okay, see you at home.
Bye, daddy.

♪ [ Whistling ]

Why don't you turn on
the tv, daddy?

Oh, leave it off.
There ain't nothin' but
election results on there.

That's exactly
what I wanna see.

If you're still hopin'
for Claire packer, forget it.
She ain't got a chance.

There was a pretty big turnout
at the polls and Claire
just might squeak through.

So aren't you glad
you voted, daddy, even
if it wasn't the biggie?

How would you feel if Claire
packer won by just one vote?

Or two.

[ Man ] All in the family
was recorded on tape
before a live audience.