02x01 - The Saga of Cousin Oscar

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

oh, my.
That's the th time...

I've been up and down
those stairs this morning.

I don't know why you do it, ma.
I know Oscar's a guest,
but he's impossible.

I can see why
he drives daddy up the wall.

Oh, well,
he won't be here for long.

Where is your father anyway?

Oh. Oscar got up early,
came down and grabbed
Archie's sports section.

He went back to bed,
so Archie had to go out
and get another paper.

Oh, I bet that
made him mad.

There was one other relative
that aggravated your
father-in-law like that.

Kind of a tall fellow
with reddish hair.
Real large earlobes.

And warts on his right hand
that he used to wear
a glove to cover.

Ma, that's cousin Oscar.

That's right.

He just don't wear
the glove no more.

Oh, Archie, there you are.
You had to get another paper?

Uh, no, Edith.
I had to go out
and inspect the traffic lights.

"Don't walk. Walk."
"Don't walk. Walk,"
you know?

They work fine.

I got something
to tell all of youse.
I made up my mind.

I'm going to get rid
of that bum Oscar today.

I got a call in to
cousin Lou in Detroit.

He's the head of the family.
Let him figure out some way
to get Oscar home.

And by the way,
where's our guest of honor
at this moment?

He's in bed.
: nearly,

and that deadbeat
is still up there sawing wood?
Maybe he's tired.

Well, I ain't surprised.
He was up half the night
flushing the toilet.

That's what has me
a wreck today.

Yeah, I heard that too.
Maybe the man has a problem.
Maybe he isn't well.

He's well all right.
After the third flush
he was doing it to spite me.

All his life
he's been spiting me.

It could be insomnia.

Some people listen to water
to help them fall asleep.

So he was running between
his room and the toilet times
to help himself go to sleep?

It does sound complicated
when you think about it.

Do me a favor, huh?
Just butt out
of the conversation.

His whole being here
is your fault anyhow.

Now will you vacate
that chair, meathead?

Daddy, the man showed up
at our front door
looking so desperate.

He's your cousin, Archie.
How could I say no?

This way, Edith. "No."

Maybe we'll all feel better
if we had breakfast now.

Oh, yeah. Good.
I'm starving.
Yeah, me too.

- Shouldn't we tell Oscar
we're eating?
- No, no, no.

If he's still up there,
we'll leave him go hungry.

Oh, he won't go hungry.

Right after he went to bed
with your sports section, I
took him up a little something.

Edith, I'm the married guy here,
and I don't get
my breakfast in bed.

It was just a poached egg
and some prunes.

That ain't the point
what it is, Edith.

And if there's anything
that that guy don't need,
it's prunes.

Geez, I'm trying to figure out
how to get rid of the guy, she's
giving him breakfast in bed.

And nothing on the table
for us.
I'll get it right away.

I'll help you, ma.

Hey, arch, how long
you felt this way
about Oscar?

Aw, forever.
He was six years older
than me.

He was always
this big hump with
a whole lot of red hair...

And earlobes
as big as apricots.

And all kinds of warts.
When we was kids,

he was always chasing me
on the grass, knocking me down
and sitting on my face.

- That's it?
- Ain't that enough?

You mean all he ever did
was sit on your face
on the grass?

Sometimes on the cement.

I can see where you can really
get to hate a guy for that.

How's cousin Oscar
related to you anyway, daddy?

Aw, who knows?
Like any second cousin
eight or nine times removed.

Wait a minute.
I think I remember.

Your sister Alma
had a brother Phil--

wait a minute, Edith.
Why do you say my sister
Alma had a brother Phil?

If my sister had
a brother Phil, then
I had a brother Phil too.

Well, sure.
But it's that way
in every family, Archie.

Like my sister Helen
is also my sister gertrude's--

oh, stifle it, will ya?
I understand.

Hey, what is this?
What's in these bottles?

Oh, those are
Oscar's vitamin supplements.

He don't need no supplements.
The guy eats as much
as all of us put together.

If Oscar was here regular,
I'd give myself three months...

Then it's over the hill
to the poor house for me.
Eggs, Archie?

No, no. Forget it, Edith.
I got no appetite anymore.
Somebody get me a cigar.

Right away.
No.
Let me, ma.

Did he bring
these vitamins with him?

Oh, no. When I went shopping
they was on his food order.

His-- his food order?

Edith, these vitamins
cost the moon.

- What else
was on the food order?
- Nothing. Just the regular.

Meat, fruit, liquor.

You bought him liquor?

You only had rye.
He wanted Brandy.

He wanted Brandy?
Daddy, I don't see
any cigars here.

Well, just look a little harder,
little girl, will ya?
Use your eyes over there.

Edith, what have we got
going here? Brandy?

Who do I look like,
the Duke of windsor?

Edith, let me see
the rest of the food order.

I don't have it.
I think I threw it away.

What do you mean
you think you threw it away?

"A," you did or "b," you didn't.
Pick one.

I think I'll pick "a."

Daddy, there aren't
any cigars here.

She says there are
no cigars there.
What happened to my cigars?

I guess you better
ask Oscar.

Oscar don't smoke cigars.
He does now.

Well, now, that does it!
Now that's the thing
that broke the straw.

That's all there is to it.
I'm going to get rid of that
freeloader today. Right now.

Mike, go up and tell him.

- Why me?
- Because I asked you to.

Can't you do that?
Run upstairs, huh?

Tell him get out of bed,
get out of my pajamas
and get his tail down here.

And youse two, come on
and clear off the table.
Come on.

Maybe we'd better wait.
What for, Edith?

It's almost his lunchtime,
and his steak
is already defrosting.

His steak?
Edith, put that steak
back in the freezer.

It's probably big enough
for the four of us. We can
have it for new year's Eve.

He ain't gonna have time for
no lunch, 'cause I'm gonna
get rid of Oscar...

In post and in haste.

Come on. Get the food
off the table. He'll eat
anything in sight, that guy.

Hurry up.
Come on, Gloria.

I tell you something,
family can go just so far.

Then you gotta grab
the bull by the "corns"
and heave-ho.

[ Clears throat ]
Did you get him up?
Is he coming down here?

No.
What do you mean, no?

You didn't get him up,
or he ain't coming down?

Both.
What is that foolish look
on your face?

Why didn't you
wake Oscar up?

He's dead.

What?

He's dead.

What are you telling me
a thing like that for?

'Cause he is.

No.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

Wait.

Well, he sat
on my face again.

He's got relations in cities,
but he's got to pick
my attic to die in.

Is Oscar down yet, Archie?

Uh, no, he ain't, Edith.
Say nothing to
your mother-in-law.

She can't handle these things.
She flies all to pieces.

Is something wrong?
What happened?

Nothing's wrong.
Nothing's wrong.

[ Softly ] She flies
right to pieces. Keep quiet.
Where's Oscar?

Uh, in bed.
He hasn't moved.

What's everybody
acting so funny about?
Is something wrong with Oscar?

She's going right to pieces,
nobody even told her yet.
Shh!

Told me what?
Is it about Oscar?
Told her what?

Edith, please.
Don't get hysterical.

I think there's something
wrong with Oscar.

Now, don't go up there.
Why not?
Calm down now,

you two women,
just calm down!

Gee whiz. There's no reason
to get hysterical
at a time like this.

What we don't need is
a lot of screaming and crying!

Who's screaming?
Who's crying?
Just calm down.

Michael,
what do you mean?
Relax. Take it easy.

The two of youse
just dummy up, huh?

Now let me handle this.
Edith, uh,

I got something
to tell ya.
Oscar's dead, isn't he?

Why couldn't you wait
for me to tell you that?

Ma! Ma!
What'll we do?
[ Crying ]

Why, we'll call the doctor.

We'll call Dr. Kelly
so he can come over here...

And sign the certificate
so we can move the body.

- [ Phone rings ]
- [ Screams ]

Let me through here.
I'll move the body.

Hello? Yes, operator.
Put him on, will ya?

It's Lou from Detroit.

Hello, Lou.
Hi. Archie from New York.

Yeah.
[ Chuckles ]

Lou, I was calling you
for something before,

but now it's something else
I gotta tell ya.

A-anyway, uh, get ready
for a little bad news.

Uh, cousin Oscar's dead here.

What do you mean,
"how's the weather
in New York?"

I just told you Oscar's dead.
We gotta get him back
to Detroit to be buried.

Now-now, come on, Lou.

Now you know how he was
closest to your end of
the family out there.

I think you're legally
responsible for the body.

What do you mean possession
is nine-tenths of the law?

Come on.

[ Stammering ]
Listen, Lou.
All right, don't get mad.

We can do it here.
He can be buried in New York.
Edith and I can handle it.

But what about the money?

Well, you got plenty
of relations out there.
Pass the hat. Get something.

Send us the money.
Wire it to me.

You do that, Lou.
Get back to me and fast, huh?
Good-bye.

You crumb.

How much is a house call
from doc Kelly?
$ .

And how much do you figure
that phone to Detroit?
About / .

Oh, geez.
And maybe another
to have this guy collected.

You're still doing it
to me, Oscar, boy.

You ain't dead minutes
and already you cost me
more than bucks.

What's that, Freddy?
Look-look, Freddy.

I mean, I'm only
a second cousin,
you're a first.

Now you gotta help
with this thing.
I did call other people.

I called cousin Lou in Detroit.
He's taking up a collection
of most of the relations there.

But, listen, you gotta
help me with this thing too.

Well, Fred, just do what
you can and get back to me, huh?
Fast. I'll wait for the call.

Yeah. Good-bye.
You crumb.

What do you got to show us?
Like I was telling your wife,
you made a wise choice.

By entrusting your beloved
to a neighborhood mortuary,

you're gonna come out
smelling like a rose.
Whitehead, how much?

First and foremost,
whitehead brothers wants to
create a beautiful...

And lasting memory picture
of the loved one.

Oh, ain't that nice.

Undertakers sound like
mother's day cards.

Uh, Mrs. bunker, we say
funeral directors now.

You're not supposed
to say undertakers anymore.

Oh. Like the mafia.
[ Archie ]
Now stifle yourself.

Whitehead, come here.

Now listen,
I know you years
from the lodge, right?

And you know me.
Now, can I get a simple answer
to a simple question? How much?

Well, let's take a look
at the book.
Go ahead.

All right, here's--
we got -l, arch.
We call it the patriot.

Now the motif is early American,
as you can see.

Maple hardwood.
Red, white and blue quilting.

And painted on the inside lid,
facing the deceased,
the American flag.

How much?
What's the difference
how much, Archie?

Mr. whitehead, I've been
listening in, and if you
don't mind my speaking openly--

what better time for it, son?
In the presence of death,

we are all of us achingly aware
of the solitude--
whitehead, hold it, will ya?

Spare us
the stained-glass language.
What was you saying?

I just think
this whole thing is barbaric.
It's like some kind of circus.

You said it.
And I'm the clown
in the middle ring.

Come on, whitehead.
Now how much are you going to
charge me for that flag number?

$ .
$ just for a box?

The casket, Archie.
His home through eternity.

The man couldn't care less
about a home when he was living.

I'm supposed to give him
a home through eternity?

[ Doorbell ringing ]
Hold on now.

No. Edith, Edith.
No, no. I'll answer the door.

I can't stand
looking at them things.

Will you go over
and pick something out, huh?
From the back of the book.

Oh, Mrs. Jefferson.
How are you?

Mr. bunker, I came
as soon as I heard the news.
I'm so sorry.

What are you gonna do?
Was his death untimely?

Yeah, around lunchtime.

Well, I brought this for you.
Thank you. Well, you know
where the table is over there.

Hey, Edith,
Mrs. Jefferson is here.
What a lovely cake.

- Edith, a moment over here.
A moment.
- [ Doorbell ringing ]

All right. Edith, we got
people coming.

Try and get an apron on her,
maybe they'll think
she's the maid.

Oh, Archie.
Don't argue.
Go on.

Oh, hiya, Jimmy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.
Archie, Archie, Archie.

Don't say nothing.
I know how you feel.

We know just how you feel.
Jim lost his father
three years ago last month.

It was a beautiful service.
bucks.

Uh, excuse me, Jimmy, huh?
Edith, the mcnabs are here.

Whitehead, come here.
Let me ask you something.

Did you do the job
on Jim mcnab's old man
about two years ago?

Jim mcnab's father.
$ .

We did it.

Are you telling me that
mcnab laid out that much
for a funeral, huh?

[ Doorbell ringing ]
The important thing is when you
walk away from that cemetery...

After a whitehead funeral,
you're going to be able
to hold your head up high.

Whitehead--
Archie, it's a telegram
for you.

Good. It's the relations
in Detroit with the collection.

Let's see how high they want
to hold up their heads.

About this high.
Read it.

Seventy-three dollars
and twenty-five cents.

Our pet department
gets that for a canary.

Excuse me.

Whitehead, it's time
for a little plain talk.

Can a guy buy something,
such as used?

Used?
Used.

Any floor models,
demonstrators, fleet jobs?
Whatever.

What you want then
is something modestly priced.

Cheap, whitehead.
Dirt cheap.

[ Doorbell ringing ]
Now find something
like that for me in here.

I gotta make a phone call.

Oh, Edith.
[ Sobbing ]
Where's Archie?

[ Sobbing ]
Archie.

I-I came
as soon as I heard.

Who even knew Oscar
was living with you,
the poor love.

Did he suffer long?
Was it terrible?

Who are you?

[ Crying continues ]
I'm cousin Bertha.

Wilber's daughter
from ozone park.
Hey, Edith.

It's been eleven years.
I'll pull myself together.
We'll have a long talk.

Geez, a death in the family,
they come fallin'
out of the woodwork.

Mr. bunker,
do you think the funeral
will be in the morning?

I usually do my shopping
in the morning.

Well, I'll keep it in mind.
Maybe we can pass
the market on the way.

Hello.
Come on, operator, will ya?

Listen, I'm trying
to get a line through
to Cicero, Illinois.

Yeah. Wh-what are you doing?
Well, nuts to you too!

Mike, come over here.
Stop feeding your face
and help me, will ya?

Do something around here.
What do you want?

Keep dialing that number
on the pad there. When you
get a line, let me know.

H-hey, Archie.
Billy hartfeld,
how'd you find out?

Oh, Kenny's wife
told my old lady.

Anyway, when's the funeral?
I don't know, Billy.
We're working up to it.

[ Doorbell ringing ]
Well, whenever.
Don't worry.

I mean, the whole department
is going to turn out.

We got in
the new union contract.
Half-day for funerals.

Oh, come on.
Find a chair somewheres
and sit down, huh?

- It's the reverend felcher.
- Good night, nurse.
Hold it, whitehead.

Hi there, reverend.
How are you?

Mr. bunker,
I was so unhappy
to hear of your sorrow.

I know that mere words
cannot substitute for your loss.

Well, you can say
that again, reverend.

You gotta excuse me 'cause
I got my "funereal" director
over here.

So, uh, er, just do something.
Eat some cake and cookies.

Go ahead, whitehead.
sh**t.

I got an item here
on page eight.
Now, it's the lowest one we got.

Number -p, $ . .
But there's no guarantee
against warping.
Sold.

All right. Let's see
what it comes to
with the other essentials.

There's the burial plot,
memorial tablet,
limousine service,

memorial prayer booklets,
you're building it up,
whitehead.

Recorded organ music,
which I'll throw in free.
You're building up.

Give me the numbers.
All right.
It's about that figure there.

That's over bucks.
Whitehead, I can't go for that.
We can talk it down--

arch.
It's ringing.
Huh?

Don't go away.
I got a call.

Yeah. Hello,
is that you, Freddy?
Well, who's this?

Oh, Debbie Marie, huh?
Well, is your daddy there?

It's your birthday?

No, no, Debbie Marie,
I don't want to guess
how old you are.

All right, five.
Six, then.

Look, kid,
this is a long-distance call.

I don't give a damn
how old you are.
Get your old man on the phone!

Freddy. Freddy, where are ya?
I'm waitin' for your call here.

Huh? I know it's
Debbie Marie's birthday.

I don't want to guess her age.
I done that already.

Freddy, are you gonna
help me or not?

What-what do you mean
your wife won't let you?

No, no. Let them
cut the cake themselves.
Stay with me on this line.

I called you long distance.
Freddy? Freddy, now don't
get off the line.

Fred? Fred?
There he goes.

What a crumb.
Get outta the way, will ya?

Hey, Archie?
Let me talk to you
for a second.
What?

I think I figured
something out here. I've been
doing some checking up.

I figured out a way it won't
cost you a penny.
If you want to go for it.

I'll go for anything
like that. What is it?

You see, a cousin is not like
a brother or a sister.

I mean, there may be
a moral obligation,
but there's no legal one.

All you have to do
is call the coroner's office,

they'll go to whitehead's,
pick up the body
and dispose of it.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I already sent him to makeup.
We'll pay for the makeup.

Will they pay
for the funeral?

Well, that's just it.
There is no funeral.

They just put him
in the ground in a place
they call Potter's field.

You know,
it's for paupers.
Well, that's Oscar.

Hey, boy. Hey, in a pinch
you really come through there.
That's sensational.

Hey. I hate to do this
to you, whitehead, but we're
gonna go this way for nothing.

Archie, the reverend felcher
would like you to tell him
something about Oscar.

You know, for the service
at the funeral.
There ain't gonna be no funeral.

What?
Don't argue. Whitehead,
you heard what I said.

Put your folders away.
I heard you, Archie. But your
friends and relatives didn't.

I'm waitin' to hear you
tell them.
You're gonna hear me right now.

No, Edith.
I'm not gonna do it.
You gotta have a funeral.

Uh, listen, everybody.
Give me your attention,
all of youse, huh?

I wanna tell you
something about the funeral.

Archie, listen. Don't you see?
Funerals ain't for the dead.

They're for the living.
All right, maybe you
didn't like Oscar.

But he don't matter now.
What matters now
is your friends, your relatives,

the man upstairs,
the maker of us all.

That matters, arch.
That matters.
Oh, whitehead--

Archie, we've been through
worse than this.
When was that, Edith?

Well, we've been through
things just as bad.
When, Edith?

Well, then we've been
pretty lucky, ain't we?

What do you want me to do?
Spend over $ on a funeral...

For a cousin
who used to sit on my face?

He'll never do it again.

[ Clears throat ]
Now, folks, what I
want to tell you is, uh--

uh, the funeral, uh,
is gonna be Saturday.
Archie?

What?
You better make it Friday.
They're negotiating right now,

but the grave diggers might
go on strike Friday midnight.

Friday, everybody.
The funeral's
going to be on Friday.

Well, thank heavens
that's over with.

Boy,
what a travesty.

It was nice, wasn't it?

I thought
the reverend felcher's remarks
were so beautiful.

Looking back
over their childhood,
Oscar's and Archie's.

How they played together
all those years--

what do you mean,
"how they played together"?

All Oscar ever did
was knock Archie down
and sit on his face.

Hold it, huh?

The deceased
ain't hardly cold yet.
Have a little respect.

Sheesh. What's with him?
Before the funeral,
he was another man.

I must say,
it was impressive.
Barbaric, but impressive.

Where'd those people come from?
What made so many
people show up?

Are you kidding?
When Archie bunker
gives a funeral...

People show up.

[ Announcer ]
All in family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.