01x04 - Archie Gives Blood

[bunniefuu]

[ Announcer ]
From television city
in Hollywood.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

ah, seven.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven.

St. Charles place.

Wanna buy it ?
How much is it ?

It's $ , Edith.
Can't you read there ?

Well, I-I don't know.

Uh, uh, what do
you think, Gloria ?

Well, you already own
states Avenue.

This'll give you
two-thirds of a monopoly.

Aw, come on, Edith.
Will ya make up
your own mind.

Make your own decisions,
ya know.

In the real world, you don't go
to your competition for advice.

- She's not in the real world.
It's only a game.
- So is life a game, buddy boy.

Whether you play
the game in here
or out there,

you gotta play it
to win, right ?

Where did we
hear that, Archie ?

Was it on mannix
or the bold ones ?

Keep your mind
on your property,
huh, Edith ?

"Whether it's
this game in here
or that game out there--"

you wanna buy
St. Charles's place ?

I'll take it.

Whoopee. The dingbat
makes a decision.

Twenty, thirty,
forty, fifty--

what are you countin'
the tens for ? You got
a pile of hundreds.

Here's a hundred.
Gimme four tens.
There's $ .

Put it in the bank.
Let's go, huh ?

Come on, daddy.
Stop nagging at her.

And you haven't answered
Michael's question yet.

- Are you going with him to the
blood bank tomorrow morning ?
- The blood bank ? No.

Reading railroad.
I'll buy it.

- Why not, arch ? You said
last week you'd go with me.
- I changed my mind.

I ain't givin' none of my blood
unless I know who's gonna be
on the receivin' end of it.

Hey, well,
what's the difference ?

The difference is,
some radical blows up
a building, right ?

He gets shot;
He needs a transfusion.

Well, he ain't gonna get
none of Archie bunker's blood !

Neither is anybody else,
I got a feelin'.

I think you're right, Michael.
That's just an excuse, daddy.

Tennessee Avenue.
My property.
The rent is $ .

Let's have it.
All right.
I'll give it to you.

Relax there.
Don't act so pushy.

I don't know why he won't
give blood. He never gives
anything to anybody.

[ Sneezing ]

He gave me
this cold I got.

All right, here we go
for a roll now.

He's always givin' me colds.
Over the years, he's given me
a lot of colds.

Edith, I'm tryin'
to roll over here, huh ?

It's all right for him
when he gets a cold.
He's the husband.

He can take time off
and go to bed with it.

Edith, I'm tryin'
to roll here.

While I'm runnin' up
and down stairs,
waitin' on him--

but when I get
a cold--

I'm the wife.
I can't take time off.
I can't go to bed.

Will you
stifle yourself.
[ Sniffles, sneezes ]

Oh--

why do you do that ?

You know I'm very, very
susceptible of colds, Edith.

Really, now.
I mean, ever since the w*r--
the big one.

It happened because
I was sleepin' in...

Them wet tents all the time,
with the rain pourin' in on me.

All right, Archie. Not the
"big w*r" routine again, huh ?

The big w*r made
a lot of people very sick.

- I get a cold
every winter this time--
- all right, Archie. We know.

You get the only w*r-connected
head colds in the country.

- Now, will you
roll the dice, please ?
- All right, I'm rollin'.

Here we go.
There we are.

One, two, three,
four, five, six.

Park place. Right next
to the boardwalk.

That's the best monopoly
on the board. Come on.
Okay, . .

Here you are.
Five hundred.
Change.
All right.

Here's your deed.
All right.
Ha-ha-ha.

Look at him gloating.
You'd think
he was really rich.

Yeah, well,
I am rich.

A man is rich who can
enjoy himself in the bosom
of his family, huh ?

You sure are
shovelin' it tonight, arch.

"A man is rich
who can enjoy himself--"

you know who said that ?

Marcus welby, m.D.

- Will you roll, huh ?
- I wanna ask you
something, Archie.

That, uh, guy that you
wouldn't give blood to.

The radical who got shot
blowin' up a building ?

Yeah ?
How do you know
that the blood
he finally gets...

Won't be
William Buckley's ?

Because--
oh !

I gotta go to jail.

Good.

Make it
solitary confinement, huh ?

Because bill Buckley
would never give
no blood of his...

To some radical who was
blowin' up buildings.

Archie, if Buckley's blood
is in a bank,
he's not gonna know.

Well, he might not know,
but down at the blood bank,
they know.

They got names
on all the jars.
No, they don't.

Oh, he doesn't get
the concept, Michael.

Look, daddy, blood is blood.
It's all the same,
no matter who it comes from.

[ Mocking ] "No matter
who it comes from."
You hear that ?

You send 'em out to get
a normal education,

they come back with
all these subversions.

Where do they
get it, huh, Edith ?

Huh ?
I can't talk.

I'm in solitary.

Well, let me
tell you somethin',
little girl.

Blood is like anything else
in life. You got your good
and you got your bad.

You do not know
what you're talking about.
All right.

For instance,
John dillinger
had bad blood.

John dillinger ?
Who is John dillinger ?

Aw, gee.
Listen to this guy.

He's arguin' blood,
he don't even know
who John dillinger is.

You're over your head,
Sonny boy.
Get outta the water.

Look, Archie,
I-I don't wanna argue with you.

I'm just stating a fact.
All blood is the same.

Well, if all blood is the same,
let me ask you this:

How come they ain't got
no swedes in the mafia ?

What does that got to do
with anything ?

Because your Italians got
a lock on it, that's why.
It's in their blood.

The same way it's in
your blacks' blood to do
the Scooby-dooby-doo.

Aw, jeez !
Oh, that's terrible !

Daddy !
That's true !
It's not true !

[ Stammering ]
What I'm telling you,
Archie,

is an accepted
scientific fact.

You take any two pints
of blood,
yeah, any two.

Uh, one from Asia,
one from America--

or one from a black man
and one from a white man.
Yeah.

Any two pints of blood,
and assumin' that both donors
are healthy,

and the types match,
those two pints of blood
are interchangeable.

Yeah, because chemically
they're exactly the same.
Right, exactly.

Are you both finished ?
[ Mike ]
Yeah.

You want my reaction ?

Commie propaganda,
pure and simple.

Oh-- oh !
That's bull !

That's straight
from the russkies,
right off the kremlin line !

Archie, Archie,
what I am tellin' you...

I'm gonna tell you
for the last time.

Any man's blood will work
in any other man's body, period.
That's a fact.

College life
has got youse two--
all right, daddy--

you two are sick !
I'm talkin' science !
This is a scientific fact !

You don't argue
with science !
It's my turn !

I got some of
the same blood in me
as Katharine hepburn.

I'm just as surprised as you
to hear me say that.

I don't think I've ever
said it out loud before.

Oh, yes, you did, Edith.
You did. Believe me.
Come on. Roll.

You and Katharine hepburn ?
The real Katharine hepburn, ma ?

Yeah !
Oh, don't get her
started on this again.

But we never
heard it before,
did we, Michael ?
No, no.

I'd like to hear the story.
Go ahead, ma.

Well, I was a little girl,
about ,

and I was visiting
with these relatives
we had in Connecticut,

in east Hartford.

And it was summer,
and we kids,
the three cousins,

we was chasin' an ice truck,

because then
everybody had iceboxes
instead of refrigerators,

and they delivered ice,
and in the summer,

if you were a kid and you
could get a piece of ice
off of one of them trucks--

well--
[ Clears throat ]

Anyway, the truck
stopped short,

and I was runnin'
with my arm up like this.

Get on
with it, Edith !

And this part of my arm--
you can't see it now
because of the dress--

but I got it hooked
right on this iron part...

That was stickin' out
of the back end of the truck.

Oh, and I-I don't remember
this part too good
because I passed out,

but I-I lost so much blood
before they got me
to the hospital,

they had to give me
a transfusion.

Which they did.

Uh, is that it ?
Of course
that ain't it.

She's got
a long ways to go.

Get to the main part,
will ya, Edith.
Oh, yeah.

Well, at the same time
that I was in the hospital,

Katharine hepburn
was in there too.

And to make
a long story short,

- [ groaning ]
- My aunt heard...

That three days
after he donated blood to me,

the same man donated blood...

To Katharine hepburn !

Uh, something's wrong
with the story, ma.

- Well, that's what happened.
- Well, something's very wrong.

Yeah, Edith, now wait a minute.
Let's get this thing straight.

The whole point
of the story
always was...

That they put some
of Katharine hepburn's blood
into you.

Ain't that right ?

Oh, no.

The point was...

That they put some of
the same blood in me...

As they put
in Katharine hepburn.

Well, the next time
I hope youse'll think twice
before youse encourage her !

Now, will ya
roll the dice.

Gettin'
a little queasy ?

Don't be a wise guy.
I let you talk me into
comin' down here, didn't I ?

Yeah.
Yeah, well,
don't worry about me.

The sight of blood
don't bother me none.

Did you see
that guy there ?
What's he doin' here ?

Who ?
The chink over there.

What's a chink
doin' here ?
You mean a Chinese man ?

All right. Whatever.
I was just wonderin'
what he was doin' here.

He's here the same
as everybody else,
to give blood.

Oh, no, no, no.
He ain't gonna give
no blood here.

What are you talkin' about ?
That's what everybody's
here for.

Get outta here.
He's an oriental.
That's a yellow race.

Oh. And, of course,
he has yellow blood.

Look, there's an irishman
with green blood.

Hey, look over there.
There's governor rockefeller.

Where ?
There. The guy
with the blue blood.

Knock off the funnies,
will ya.

Look over there now.

He ain't here
to give blood at all.
He's a doctor.

That shows you how smart
you are, college boy.

I'll bet down in Chinatown
they got a chinky red cross...

Takin' blood
for their own people.
Oh, gee.

What do you mean, "oh" ?
They must have the same
thing up in Harlem too.

Mike. Mr. bunker.
How's it goin' ?

Oh, hiya, Lionel.
How are ya ?
Lionel, how ya doin' ?

Imagine meeting you
down here at the blood bank.

What were you sayin', Archie,
about a blood bank up in Harlem
or something like that ?

Dummy up, will ya.
Dummy up.

You feelin' all right,
Mr. bunker ?
Certainly.

Oh, he's all right, Lionel.
He just didn't expect to see
a black man here givin' blood.

If you wanna make an argument
out of it, I bet he ain't here
to give blood.

He's here to do
some odd job, right, Lionel ?

Uh, yeah, yeah.
I sweeps up.

I left my broom
back there.

I need some water.
Get me some
water too, huh ?

Poor Mike.
They get all confused,
don't they ?

Your goody-goody
white liberals.

You tell 'em all men
are brothers and we all
come from the same God,

and right away they think
we all got the same blood.

Ain't that ridiculous ?

I know what you mean.

Yeah. I mean, if they
start pumpin' our blood
into you white folks,

well, who knows
what might happen--
you could all turn black.

Well, I tell you, Lionel,
I-I-I think there's
some doubt about that.

- You wouldn't wanna
chance it, would you ?
- No.

But here's
the guy that knows
all about everything.

Huh ? Mr. big liberal
ignoramus himself.

Why don't you talk
to Lionel here about some
of your fancy scientific facts.

Lionel, you been
puttin' him on again ?
I think I need some water too.

This kid's
got common sense.

He knows his blood
ain't the same as yours,
even if you don't.

Archie...
What can I tell you ?

Uh, let me take this
by the numbers, all right ?

Let's see if we can really
talk this thing through.

- Now, first,
we'll take your heart.
- Why my heart ?

Well, my heart, your heart.
It's the heart that pumps
the blood, right ?

Yeah.
Now, does your heart ask you
who gave you the blood ?

No. It's just like
the water pump in a car.

The-- the water pump in a car ?

You get all choked up
about some dingbat story
about chasin' an ice truck,

and you sit here and tell me
that the human heart's like
a water pump in a car ?

The human heart
is the most important,

the most emotional organ
in your body.

It's where all your--
your love and your romance
is kept there.

Everybody knows that.

We ain't machines yet,
Sonny boy.

Yeah, but that's the point
I'm trying to make.
The heart is a machine.

That's why they can
give you a new one nowadays
when the old one packs up.

- It's just like a car.
- It ain't like a car !

Keep your voice down.

Archie, I'm just talkin'
about transplants.
Wait a minute.

Now, if you're gonna start
talkin' about transplants,

you're gonna make
my point for me.

Now, the first time out
with them transplants,

they put a woman's heart
in a man's body, right ?

Yeah. So what ?
So it's tough enough
for a woman and a man...

To live together
in the same house,
never mind the same body.

That heart
was rejected, right ?
All right, case closed.

Next case.
Archie,
wait a second--

let me talk.
Take that dentist
down there in South Africa.

The Jewish guy.
Every organ in his body
was Jewish.

You check me up on that
if you don't believe me.

Orthodox too,
for all I know.

So what did they do ?
They put a Christian heart
in the guy.

Now, you know all them
orthodox Jewish organs...

Have to reject
that Christian heart.

Or "versa versa."

Oh, Lionel, come here.
Sit down.

You know what we was
talkin' about here ?
Transplants.

Oh, bad business.
Unless, of course,
it's white on white.

Oh, Lionel,
cut it out !

Let him talk !

You see this guy here ?
He don't wanna hear nothin' from
nobody unless it's his opinion.

I remember one of
the first heart transplants
they did in South Africa.

The Jewish dentist.
I was tellin' him.
No, this is another one.

Remember ? They put
the black man's heart
in the white body.

Now, you know
those poor blacks
in South Africa...

Don't have
their civil rights
the way we do up here.

[ Mike ]
Oh-- oh--

you see, things are still
very segregated there.

So, can you imagine,
that poor white body...

Walkin' around
with that black heart ?

I mean, the poor man
wouldn't even know
what restroom to use.

I never thought of that.

Bunker ?
Mr. Archie bunker ?
Huh ?

You're next.
What do you mean me ? You got
a lot of other people here.

Follow me, please.
Yeah, all right.

I'll be right
with you there, nurse.

Okay, you guys,
I'll see youse later.
[ Chuckling ]

Hey, Lionel.
Come on.

You gave blood before we
got here, didn't you ?

Sure. Why ? Do you think
I sweep up around here ?

Why did you go
and tell him that for ?

You don't know
what trouble you start
when you put him on like that.

Yeah, you're right,
but I just can't resist
the temptation.

Hey, what are you doin' ?
I'm just wiping your arm
with a little alcohol.

Are you all right ?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm fine. I'm--

sure, sure.
[ Chuckles ]

Like they say, I'm,
uh, fit as a fiddle.

And ready for blood.
Huh ?

Hey. Oh, boy, them needles
are much bigger than they
used to be, ain't they ?

Now make a tight fist.
Yeah, all right.
There. [ Sighs ]

Just, uh, uh, kinda...

Tip me off every step
of the way, you know ?

Like, uh, let me know
when you're about to put
the needle in, huh ?

It is in.
It is in.
Huh ?

Oh, gee.
[ Chuckles ]

Gee, that wasn't nothin',
was it ?

I'll bet you
a lot of guys come in here,
they give you trouble.

They scream at the sight
of the needle and all that ?

Yeah, there's a lot of 'em--
lot of 'em that way.

'Course, those of us
that was in the service,

you know,
w-we're used to it, yeah.

Yeah, I was, uh,
I was in the army air corps...

Over in the w*r--
the big w*r.

And I was over there
in foggia, Italy.

Jeez, it's nice
over there, Italy.

You wouldn't be one of
them senoritas, would ya ?

Well, you could be. I mean,
you know, with the dark hair
and the dark eyes and all.

Yeah, that was good times
over there in Italy--
[ Clears throat ]

Meeting some of them
Italian dames over there.

We met 'em through
their families, you know.

"Hey, Joe, you wanna
meet my sister ?"
[ Laughing ]

[ Blood pressure cuff
tears off ]
What's that ?

Nothing.
Just take it easy.
Jeez.

Made a hell of
a noise there.

Let me know, uh,
will ya, when you're
takin' the needle out.

It is out.
Huh ?

It is out.
Already ?

Yes. Now, sit here and
hold this piece of cotton.
Yeah, sure.

Are you all right ?
Yeah, right as rain.

You wanna stand up ?
Yeah, sure, okay.

Tell 'em they can keep
the ambulance in the garage.
Ha-ha-ha-ha !

Yeah, there's no sense
in makin' a fuss...

About takin' a little blood
outta there, huh ?

Is that mine ?
Not anymore.

Here you are, Archie.
Here's some juice.

They say it helps
restore the blood.

All right,
leave it there,
Edith, huh ?

I don't know why
you're so upset.

It's nothing to be
ashamed about, passin' out
at the sight of blood.

Edith, I told you
that ain't it.

My sister used to faint
at spiders in the bathroom.

Because they took too much
outta me. They overdone it.

They left me weak, that's all.
Look at these two arms now.

This one here
is thinner
than that one.

You see that ?
Well--

what do you mean,
"well" ?
It's hard to say.

I don't see your arms
stretched out this way
too often.

Well, I can see it,
even if you don't.

They took too much
outta this one here.

I was hardly able
to stagger home after it.

That's ridiculous, Archie.
They don't make mistakes
like that nowadays.

- They know what they're doin'.
- They know what they're doin'.

But we don't know
what they're doin'.

- What's that supposed to mean ?
- He never did trust doctors.

I think it's because
he don't like to pay 'em.

That ain't it at all !

Just I don't like it
when they take extra blood
outta ya, that's all.

I don't like
a lot of things they do.

- Like what Mike and me
was talkin' about before.
- You mean transplants ?

Yes, I do. Some doctors are
beginning to look at us...

As if we was all
a collection of spare parts.

Oh, now, daddy,
don't get paranoid about it.

Medicine is still dedicated
to keeping us alive.

All right,
but not against his will.

What does his will
got to do with it ?

I ain't talkin' to you !
You're an atheist !

Oh, wait a second.
We're talkin' about
modern medicine here.

We're talkin' about doctors
keepin' us alive.
How did he get into it ?

He was never out of it,
buddy boy.

Life and death
is his business,

and you gotta go
when he calls.

Unless modern medicine
saves you.
It can't.

What do you mean ?
It happens all the time.

That's when he wasn't
really callin'.

But when he really calls,
you gotta go.

And he don't want
no quack doctors down here...

Puttin' other hearts in ya
to keep you here
against his will, is all.

Throws his schedule all off.

You throw his schedule off,
and you're gonna have to answer
for it when you get up there.

Where ?
Heaven, wise guy.

You know damn well what I
was talkin' about. Heaven !

When you get up there,
he's gonna wanna know
from you...

Why you didn't come
when you was called--

why you was late.

You really believe that ?
I certainly do ! And I'll
tell you somethin' else.

You're gonna have
to answer up there to the guy
whose heart you took down here.

Or to her,
if it was a her.

Just let me
finish, huh ?

'Cause that guy's gonna
want his heart back.

Now, you just imagine--
just imagine yourself.

You're up there in heaven,
and you gotta give that heart
back up there, right ?

And now you gotta start
lookin' around
for your old one.

Now, what do you think
you're gonna find ?

You think these doctors
took care of it for you ?

Oh, no.
Not on your life.

They just threw it
into a pail with all the rest
of the spare parts.

Like this.
Your heart's in a pail.

And you're up there in heaven
with a hole in your chest.

Your turn, daddy.

Oh, gee ! Mm !

- Still hurts, huh, daddy ?
- Yeah, I'll be all right
when the weather gets warmer.

Meantime, I'll
roll 'em lefty. Ah.

Hey, move for me,
will ya, Edith.
Go ahead.

Oh, you got a chance.
Yeah. Well, all right,
pick the card there.

Oh, Archie.
Read the card, Edith.

"Go to jail."

"Go directly to jail.
Do not pass--"

all right. You don't
have to read it all !
Put me in there !

[ Archie ]
♪ boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ those were the days ♪

[ announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.