01x03 - Oh, My Aching Back (aka Archie's Aching Back)

[bunniefuu]

[ Announcer ]
From television city
in Hollywood.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

care for an olive ?
Uh-huh.

Mmm. Beats eating 'em
out of jars.

I used to have an Uncle
who'd put an olive on
every finger of his hand.

Know what they used to
call him ?
Uh-uh.

Vincent.

Why'd they call him
Vincent ?
That was his name.

Then why'd you tell me
the thing about the--

Michael !

What do you think
they're gonna call him ?
Olive fingers ?

[ Moans ]

I'm starving.
What time's himself
comin' home ?

I'm not sure.

You know he moonlights
with Mr. munson's taxicab
on Saturdays.

Hey, mom,
when's daddy coming home ?

Well, in his own words,
when he's g-d ready.

Myself, something tells me
any second now.

Isn't that sweet, Michael ?
She feels it in her heart.

No, I hear it
at the door.

[ Gloria ]
Hiya, daddy.
[ Mike ] Hi, arch.

What's the matter
with you ?
Nothin'.

No hello ?
Even they said hello.

They said "hi."
But you said
nothin'.

I was gonna say good evening.
Oh, skip it, will ya.
Skip it.

I've learned to expect
nothin' but aggravation
from you anyhow.

Um, it's almost : , daddy.
You're late.

He's always late,
except after coffee
in the morning.

Six minutes later,
to the second, watch out.

And God forbid
I'm in there shaving.

The workin's of nature won't
wait for no deadbeat who
takes all morning to shave.

Remember that.

I'm not knockin' it.
I think you're a marvel.

I can even set my watch
by how long it takes you
to belch after a bicarb.

Twenty-two seconds,
exactly.

Well, listen, wise guy,

you should have
such a constitution.

They'd have counted you out
already if you'd been in
the accident I was just in.

Archie, an accident ?
Daddy,
are you all right ?

No, no, no,
they couldn't hurt me.
What happened ?

Well, there was this pushy dame.
You know the kind-- a yenta.

Plows into
the back of my cab.

And I mean plowed.
Wham !

Them people are always in
a hurry, trying to get to a sale
or somethin' to save four cents.

What a tribe.

What do you mean,
"what a tribe" ?
Forget it, Michael.

Come on, mom.
I'll help you
with dinner.

I'm glad you weren't hurt.
What do you mean,
"what a tribe" ?

Forget it.
It's "irrevelant."

Irrelevant.
Whatever.

It ain't German
to the conversation.

Germane.
Aw, listen,
Emily post.

If you correct me
one more time--
okay, okay.

But you didn't mean
to call me Emily post.
Oh, jeez.

She's an expert on table
manners, wedding invitations,
things like that.

It's the wrong image,
arch.

What you meant to call me was,
say, Mr. funk or Mr. wagnall,
the dictionary people.

'Cause I was
correcting you on words.
You see the difference there ?

You are defective.

There's no doubt
about it.

You got a fuse blown
in your head...

Somewhere between the brain
and the nervous system.

There ain't
a store in the country
that wouldn't take you back.

Why don't you
clean your fingernails ?

Maybe things
wouldn't grow there.

Hey, Edith,
where's supper, huh ?

All set, Archie.

I was just givin' you a chance
to work up an appetite.

He always eats better
when he's upset.

Well, I eat better
when he's not upset.

So, just this once,
could we have a meal without
an argument ? Michael ?

[ Imitating James cagney ]
You want it ?
You got it, baby.

Oh, we're gonna have
a floor show, huh ?

Come on, daddy.

No arguments, okay ?
Who's arguing ?

I don't think
that's an answer.

Oh, this dingbat's gonna
start argument number one
over here.

Daddy, mom,
could you settle down ?
Now, let's just eat.

♪ [ Mike humming ]

♪ [ Continues ]

♪ [ Stops ]

♪ [ Resumes, finishes ]

[ Sighs ]
Mom, anything interesting
happen to you today ?

Actually,
something interesting
did happen today.

Oh, no,
that was yesterday.

Well, I can't eat
no more of this.
What's the matter, daddy ?

It's the meat.
It's not done enough.

You knew that all the time ?
I made it medium
just this once.

I don't like it medium.
I like it well.

Well well.

Peg bracken says
it spoils the flavor.

Peg bracken ?
Ain't that the dame who
don't even like to cook ?

Yeah,
but she's an expert.

And she says well
spoils the flavor.

It seals it in,
that's what it does.

Any gourmet will tell you,
the only way to eat meat
is rare.

Oh, now we hear
from the Polish corner.

Poland, the land
that gave us such rare
and delicate dishes as--

uh, Polish sausage
is very good.

You oughta know.
You married one.

I'm sick and tired
of your Polish jokes.

You see, mom ?
It's winding up
in an argument after all.

No, it ain't, 'cause
I'm gonna take my dessert
over here in my chair.

What do we got,
rice puddin' ?

Give me some
with a pinch of milk on top.

"Give me some with
a pinch of milk on top."
[ Giggles ]

I've been making rice pudding
for years,

sometimes two
and three times a week,

and he always says
the same thing.

"Give it to me
with a little pinch
of milk on top."

Except last week, remember ?
Mike and Gloria
went out to dinner.

You made rice puddin',
and what happened ?

You didn't
make your usual speech
about the milk on top.

I remember.

- And how did you serve it ?
- Without the milk on top.

Dingbat.

But he didn't
ask for it.

Hey, Archie,
you never finished the story
about the accident.

Well, the story is,
very simply, that...

A certain
Mrs. rhoda greenspan...

Plowed into
the back of my cab.

They're all the same,
them people.

Here.
Here's your rice pudding.

I put a pinch of milk
on top.

Gee,
that's a good idea.

Bring me some
bicarbonate of soda,
will ya.

My insides
is on fire.

What do you mean, "they're
all the same, them people ?"
What people ?

The chosen people.
What do I gotta do,
draw you a picture ?

She plows into
the back of my cab,

then she opens up her yap
as though it was me
that hit her.

They coulda heard her
all the way to Tel Aviv.

Here's your bicarb.
Oh, yeah.

Well,
what's done is done.
One, two,

I told munson I'd get him
an estimate on his cab...
Three, four, five, six,

tomorrow,
maybe the next day.
Seven, eight,

probably cost
an arm and a leg.
Nine, ten,

them thieves
at the body shop.
, ,

you pay $ . an hour
for labor.
, , , ,

most of the time they're
at the soft drink machine
or the can.

, , , , --
what are you doin' ?

[ Burps ]

Twenty-two seconds,
exactly.

All right, wise guy,
so I'm dependable.

What else
you tryin' to prove ?
Nothin'.

We were discussing
one of your favorite hang-ups--
your anti-Jewish bias.

What anti-Jewish bias ?

Oh, no, daddy.
Not that again.

Remember,
even Jesus was a Jew.

Yeah, but only
on his mother's side.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hiya, Lionel.
How you doin',
everybody ?

Hiya, Lionel.
You want some rice puddin' ?

No, thanks.
I've already eaten.

Say, I was just over
to Mr. munson's.

I understand
you used his cab today
and put a small dent in it.

I put ?
Small dent ?

I thought you said
she plowed right into you--
wham !

I just came from there.
It's right out front.
It's just a little dent.

A little dent ?
And you were making
a federal case out of it.

Listen,
she hit me hard.

Good thing I wasn't drivin'
one of them foreign jobs.

I'd be pushin' up
the daisies now.

What were you doin'
at munson's ?

Come to think of it,
what are you doin' here ?

Posin' as
a body-and-Fender expert ?

I was just makin' my rounds,
pickin' up the cleaning.

- What cleanin' ?
- Didn't we tell ya ?

Lionel's folks
have opened up a cleaning store
on northern boulevard.

I thought we'd give 'em
all our business.

You mean, your old man
ain't the janitor at
the hempstead apts. No more ?

That's right.

Where'd he get the money
to open up a cleanin' store ?
From the accident.

- When was that ?
- When mom and dad got
rear-ended by the bus.

After they paid for the lawyer,
they had $ , left over.

So they bought this franchise.
And they're doin'
real well too, Mr. bunker.

You know, last week
they grossed over $ , .

And that's better
than the week before.

And next week
they should do , , easy.

All right, Lionel, all right.
You don't have to give me
their "dun and broadstreets."

Here you are, Lionel.
Have everything cleaned
and pressed, okay ?

Okay. Thanks, folks.
I'll have it back
by Tuesday.

See ya, Lionel.
Bye, Lionel.

Oh, my, wasn't that
a lucky break
for Lionel's folks ?

I think it's just wonderful.
It's like a whole new life
opened up for 'em.

$ , . My !

[ Mike ] His father says
they're doin' so well,
they may open another store.

And have two stores ?
[ Edith ]
Oh, my goodness !

They could open up
a whole chain of stores.

Oww ! Jeez !

What's the matter ?
What happened ?
Archie.

What a pain
in the back !

Stay away from me.
Don't touch me, nobody.

Just let me see
if I can walk all alone.
Look out.

Ooh, Edith !
Ohh !
Oh, Archie !

Do you think
it's from the accident ?
Maybe you got a whiplash.

Nah.
Not from a little dent.

Shut up, meathead.

Edith, help me
to the chair, will ya.

You, keep away from me.

[ Groans ]
Oh. Oh, gee, Edith.

Oh !

Uh, wh-what was that you said
about, uh... whiplash ?

What are you doin',
Edith ?

The reader's digest says
you should put a pillow
under your legs...

If you hurt your back.

- Don't believe what you read
in them articles.
- It wasn't in an article.

It was at the bottom
of a page.

You know,
where the article was finished
and they still had some space.

I don't wanna hear
about the articles !

I don't read the articles.
Just the bottom
of the pages.

Do they tell you,
at the bottom of the pages,
how to bury your husband ?

Oh, Archie,
don't talk like that.

How could you be dying ?
You ain't seen a doctor yet.

Yeah, what about
a doctor, daddy ?

We'll see a lawyer first.
He'll tell us
what doctor to go to.

They got specialists
for all these things.

What about Fred kowalcyzk,
my brother-in-law ?
He's a lawyer.

Kowalcyzk.
No, that don't sound good.

We could call
Helen gurney's
brother Peter.

He handles accidents.
Peter gurney ?
No, no, no.

Listen, get me
the yellow pages.

Why not somebody you know ?
Why a stranger ?

Because sometimes
strangers is best.

They don't get
too close to you.
You know what I mean.

No.
Will you get me
the yellow pages !

Do you know
what he means, ma ?
No.

Cut that out, Edith !

Let's see here.

There's, like, ten pages
of lawyers here.

Where should I start,
at the beginning ?

No, start at the middle
and read out sideways.

Certainly,
start at the beginning.

There's , names here.
I'll skip around.
It'll be faster.

All right, let's see.

Uh, "w.B. Adams.
Adams and brenner.
Burton and fitzallen.

Cohen and Ginsberg--"

Cohen and Ginsberg.
What ?

Cohen--
just go on readin'.
Go on, go on.

Okay, uh,
"Evans and monahan.
Franklin and Powell.

Lochman, shapiro
and stone--"

lochman, shapiro and stone.

- What ?
- I'm just thinkin'.
Will you read on !

All right.
"Harris and whipple.

"Johnson and Smith.
McDonald and shelby.

Rabinowitz, rabinowitz
and rabinowitz--"

rabinowitz, rabinowitz--

what was the third name ?

Rabinowitz.

Yeah. How do they
sound to you ?

Jewish.

Very Jewish.

What has their religion
got to do with it ?
That's what we wanna know.

Listen, Mr. big liberal,
you brought up
their religion, not me.

If they're good lawyers,
for all I care
they could be chinks.

Do you
believe him ?

He actually thinks
because they're Jewish
they're smarter, shrewder.

Well ?
You actually
believe that junk ?

Listen to this guy,
Edith.

I agree with him that
they're smarter and shrewder,

he's makin' out like
I don't like the hebes.

Now, daddy, you stop
twisting things around
like that.

You don't trust anybody
that's different from you,
until you need him.

Well, I do need him !

Oh, jeez !
Mom, he's so
prejudiced.

What are we
gonna do ?

Get him a rabinowitz.

Archie,
I brought you some juice.

It'll help
wash down the pills.

Are you all right ?
Can I get you
anything more ?

No, Edith,
just pick up some of
the papers around here.

And ask your son-in-law to
sit up like a human being.

And, Gloria, you get up
and straighten out some of
the pictures on the walls.

He'll be here any minute.
You want people to think
you live in a pig's eye ?

You didn't make
this much fuss last year...

When your own mother
came to visit.

His own mother
wasn't a Jewish lawyer.

I don't think she even
went to high school.

All right, Edith.

Did she, Archie ?
Did your mother
go to high school ?

Will you shut up
and straighten out
around here !

[ Doorbell rings ]
There he is.
I'll go.

Wait a minute.
Don't be in such a hurry.
Let me tell you somethin'.

Now, please try and show
a little class, huh ?

These people have a way
of seein' right through ya,
so remember: Class.

Just watch me.
Now go on to the door.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Oh, cut that out.

Oh, how do you do ?

I assume, since this is
the Archie bunker residence,
that you are the bunker family.

Yes.
My card.

[ Man chuckles ]
[ Edith ]
Come in.

Archie, this is
"Mr. Whitney fitzroy I-v."

That's Whitney fitzroy
the fourth.

"I-v" is
the Roman numeral four.
Oh, I see.

Let me take your coat.
Thank you
very much.

Very much indeed.
[ Chuckles ]

So, you're
Mr. fitzroy.
Yes.

Mr. fitzroy of rabinowitz,
rabinowitz and rabinowitz ?

Well, Mr. fitzroy,
why don't you come
and sit right here...

Next to Mr. bunker.

I'll tell you what I'll do--
I think I'll come over here and
sit right next to Mr. bunker.

[ Chuckles ]

You're in luck.
He has a sense of humor.

I guess that we can get
right down to business.

Are you, uh, comfortable,
Mr. bunker ?

I make a livin'.

[ Chortling ]

I meant,
are you comfortable
in your chair ?

This may take a wee while.

I suppose, uh--
I suppose you're wondering why
Mr. sol rabinowitz didn't come.

Yeah, you can
say that again.

Actually, it was set up
that way originally,

but then we realized
the area that you live in
and your name,

and, well, the office
has had clients
out this way before.

We thought that you'd be,
um, you know, more comfortable
with... one of your own.

[ Chortles ]

That's me.
[ Giggling ]

At rabinowitz et al,

I am, well, you might say
the token gentile.

The house goy !

The rabinowitzes and I,
we share the same letterhead
and the same office,

but that's where it ends.

[ Chortling ]
You see what I mean ?

That's where it ends.

Well, that's where
this meeting ends--
here and now !

But, uh, m-m-Mr. bunker--
no, no, no !
Get away from me, you !

You go back
to where you came from
and send me a Jew !

Mr. bunker, believe me,

I appreciate
your extraordinary faith...

In the ability of an older
and sometimes faltering
counselor-at-law.

As a matter of fact,
it was your rather eloquent
appeal to my secretary...

That induced me
to canard at all.

I can only hope that
your confidence in me
is well founded.

Don't he talk good, Edith ?
Huh ?

I know the real article
when I see one,
Mr. rabinowitz.

Youse people really believe
in education, don't youse ?

Uh, we often say,
Mr. bunker,

the tree of learning
bears the noblest fruit.

Hear that ?
The tree of learnin'.

I read that
in a fortune cookie once.

Will you
stifle yourself.

Probably made
in a Jewish bakery.

Stifle yourself !

Go on, Mr. rabinowitz.
Help yourself to some wine.
That's Morgan David.

Now, listen,
between you and me,

you know,
kind of on the q.T.,

how come you got this guy
Whitney fitzroy the fourth
workin' for ya ?

'Cause I'm here to tell ya,
he ain't exactly a friend
to the Jewish people.

He's friendly enough.
Really ?

He is married
to my only daughter.

Oh, jeez.

[ Sighs ]
I beg him not to do...

The "I am the
token gentile" bit.

- And the house goy.
- Oh. He didn't say that too.

He certainly did.
[ Doorbell rings ]

Well, what can you do
with children these days ?
That's the way it is.

Oh, how do you do ?
Hello.

I'm the attorney
for Mrs. greenspan.
Well, come in.

My card.
Thank you.

Archie, this is Mr...

"Clarence the fifth
Marshall."

That's Clarence v. Marshall,
ma'am.

I thought it was
a Roman number.
[ Chuckles ]

Uh, I'm Solomon--

I'm Solomon rabinowitz,
representing the
injured party, Mr. bunker.

Pleased to meet you.
Let me take your coat.

Won't you sit down,
Mr. Marshall.

Well, how are you feeling,
Mr. bunker ?

Uh, we are in great pain,
Mr. Marshall.

The bunker family physician,
Dr. ferguson,

confirms that
our upper and lower back
are in spasm...

And the whiplash in our neck
is quite severe.

It looks like
a long, long siege ahead.

Yes.

Now, Mr. bunker,

according to our records,

this accident took place
on, uh, Saturday the th...

At approximately
: in the evening.

Is that correct ?

Well, uh...

Yeah.

Now, according
to our witnesses--

witnesses ?
You said nothing to me
about witnesses, Mr. bunker.

- The kids, the kids. You know.
- Oh, yes, the little children
in the playground.

Hardly admissible.

Yes, but I'm referring
to a station wagon
filled with nuns.

Your witnesses ?

A station wagon
filled with nuns.

According to them, you were
coming out of the parking lot
when it happened.

Now, do you recall
in what direction
you were traveling ?

Uh, his vehicle was,
uh, headed north,
I believe.

Yes, but he was
traveling South.

Well, I was backin' up.
Now, what difference
could that make ?

Well, if you were backing up,
you were going the wrong way
in a one-way alley.

I musta been going forward.
Not according
to our witnesses.

A station wagon
filled with nuns.

Yes, uh,
"sister Maria yolanda,

sister Catherine,
sister Jeremy,
sister Rosemary--"

all right, all right,
all right !

Everybody knows
they go around
in a mob.

Hey, Mr. rabinowitz,
where you goin' ?

Hey, don't leave,
Mr. rabinowitz.

Listen, don't be
a-scared of this guy.

Alongside of you,
he's like a green kid.

You're a--
you're a mensch.

Get after 'im.

There is an old, old rule
of law, Mr. bunker.

They say
it dates back to before
the turn of the century.

"In a court of law,

you can't beat
a station wagon
filled with nuns."

Hi, Lionel.
Hi, folks.

Last week's cleaning
all ready.
Gee, thanks.

Say, Mr. bunker,
I've been thinking
about you all week.

That accident you had--
you want the name of the lawyer
who helped my folks ?

Oh, no, Lionel.
I don't wanna ever get
involved in no lawsuits.

He already lost one.

Stifle yourself,
Edith.

Okay, but if
you ever feel the need,
we found just the man.

Name of Solomon rabinowitz.

[ Archie ]
♪ boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ those were the days ♪

[ announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.