You know, Cheryl,
I know we always fight
about which movie to see,
but I think I found one
we're both gonna like.
Oh, Jim, I don't want to see
"zombie death ninjas."
You know, nobody wants
to see the zombies.
If you can see them, that means
they're about to eat your brain.
Honey, honey, look.
"Christina's tears."
It's about a woman
on her deathbed
who's remembering all
the sweet moments of her life.
Oh.
Cheryl, I'm not gonna see that
one until I finish the book...
That I'm not gonna buy,
and I'm not gonna read.
Come on, we never see
my movies.
What are you talking about?
We never see the movies
I want to see.
I haven't seen a movie
I wanted to see in years.
And that's my fault?
Well, it's not my fault.
Honey.
We're going
to the movies?
I want to see
"jami mcfame goes to London."
I hear she rocks out
with the queen.
We'll wait in the car.
Oh.
Oh.
I always forget. It's the kids
who ruined our life.
Yeah.
Good one.
All right.
♪♪♪
Jim, Jim, i-i-i got your text.
What's the emergency?
We are going
to the track.
Well, what do you mean?
It's not a workday.
Andy, I had a dream
last night
that me, you
and Sammy Davis Jr.
Were floating on a raft
down a river.
You, the Andy man
and the candy man?
Yes.
And this morning, I picked up
the "racing form,"
and look who's running
in the third race--
a horse named
"three best friends."
It's a sign.
We got to bet it.
W-w-w-wait, wait.
Me, you and Sammy Davis Jr.
Are best friends?
Well, to be fair,
Sammy didn't really care
for you,
but I talked you up.
Oh, thanks, man.
Let's go.
To the track.
Hi. You Jim?
Yeah.
I'm Phil.
Okay.
I'm Harry.
Todd.
Hello.
Jim, aren't you gonna
introduce me?
Uh, uh, guys,
this is Andy.
Andy, uh, these are
a bunch of guys with babies
that broke into my home.
We're the daddy
and me group.
Yeah, we're here
to play with our kids...
And share our feelings
about parenting.
With whom?
You. All of us.
Your wife said
to be here at : .
My wife?
My wife?
Cheryl!
Freeze, blondie.
You freeze right there.
So I see you've met
your daddy group.
What the hell, Cheryl? You can't
spring this on me like this.
Well, my mommy and me group
thought it might be nice
to have a daddy group,
and I was gonna run it
by you,
but it just seemed easier
to sneak out like a coward.
Cheryl, forget it.
I got big plans today.
I know. I know.
You got circle time,
sing-along and healthy snack.
Unless these are names of
horses, we got a big problem.
Come on, honey.
Help me out here.
I'm home all day
with those twins.
I just want a few hours a week
that are just for me.
A few hours a week?
Yes.
Excuse me, Cheryl,
but you know what?
I've seen you sleeping.
Those hours are for you.
You take showers alone
against al Gore's guidelines.
And last week,
you were gone all afternoon
at the dermatologist.
I had a biopsy,
and I took the kids
with me.
Oh, how did that turn out?
Well, we can talk later.
I'm gonna miss the first race.
Oh, come on. Come on.
I'm exhausted from those kids.
It's all I do all day.
Cheryl, I am exhausted
from work.
I need this break.
My job never stops.
Oh, please. Please. Please.
I'd love to trade places
with you just once.
Damn it.
See ya.
Ah.
I saw that coming out of my
mouth, and I couldn't stop it.
♪ On that farm
he had a... ♪
What, Liza?
What did old MacDonald
have, Liza?
Pick an animal, Liza.
Hello! Liza!
Uh, Jim, she--
she doesn't talk.
Oh, that means
she loses her turn.
Pick me.
Jim, Jim, pick me.
Andy.
Um, hey, let's do
duck again, huh?
That was fun.
♪ With a "quack-quack" here
and a "quack-quack" there ♪
♪ here a "quack,"
there a "quack" ♪
♪ everywhere a "quack-quack"
okay, okay, okay, okay.
Song time is over.
Over, over, over.
Well, now what?
Well, it says here
in Cheryl's instructions
that it's discussion time.
What the hell
does that mean?
We're supposed to share
a hard time we had
with the kids this week.
Besides right now?
Does anybody know anything
about their kids?
Okay, Andy.
Pick an animal.
Uh...
How about the wildebeest?
♪ With a... here
and a... there ♪
♪ here a... ,
there a... ♪
♪ Everywhere a...
♪ Old MacDonald
had a farm ♪
♪ e-i-e-i-o
can you believe this
daddy and me crap?
Yeah, it sucks.
You know, my wife says
to keep an open mind, though.
(Scoffs why?
When did an open mind
ever lead to anything good?
You got a point there.
In my day, "daddy and me"
meant me sitting in the car
with the heater on
while he was in the bar
getting tanked up.
Yeah, well, a lot's changed
since the ' s.
You know what?
I have a car older than you.
Hey, look at that.
They're both trying to get
the same rattle.
Ha. That's cute.
bucks says
mine makes it first.
Oh, you're on.
Let me just--yeah.
All right, come on. Come on.
Come on, Gordon.
Come on, Liza.
Go get it. Gordon, go get it.
Gordon, go get it.
No, no, no,
no, no, no, no!
Move, baby,
there you go.
Come on.
Where you going?
That's right, move. Look at her.
It's like poetry in motion.
I'm gonna put you up
for adoption
if you don't
get over there.
Go get it, Gordon.
Go get it. Go get it.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no!
Yeah!
Oh.
All right,
double or nothing?
You're on.
Let's do it again.
All right, let's put
these kids over here.
Set up the next thing.
Oh, I want in
on some of this.
You want in on this?
You want in on it?
Who's got Liza?
She's coming from behind.
"Lightning Liza." Let's go.
"Lightning Liza." That's right.
Champion!
Come on.
Come on.
You can do it.
You can do it.
Oh, this is great.
Yeah, yeah. This is what
daddy and me should be about--
having fun,
playing games,
drinking at :
in the morning.
Whoo-hoo.
Speaking of which,
daddy needs another cold one.
You know, you shouldn't
call yourself "daddy."
It kind of
creeps me out.
All right, who needs drinks
here? Who needs drinks?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We need three beers and four
baby bottles and a juice box.
Great.
Apple,
if you got one.
Oh.
Come on.
One race.
Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Come on!
Yeah! Oh, yeah!
Pay up, losers.
Wow, nice pick.
Yeah.
Who do you like
in the next race?
Oh, well, um...
Keep it
on the down low...
Mm-hmm.
But, um, that Jonah kid,
I don't think had has the brains
to find the finish line.
Hey, Jonah's my kid.
Oh, he's a sweetie
but slow.
I'm a little worried, Jim.
Huh?
I don't know how I'm gonna
explain all this extra money
I've won to my wife.
That is the most pathetic
sentence I have ever heard.
I just think she's gonna
catch it, you know?
She gives me bucks a week
spending money.
I stand corrected.
That is the most pathetic
sentence I have ever heard.
Maybe she'll be happy
I had fun.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Never tell them you had fun.
Why not?
No, no, no. They want us
to be miserable just like them.
But that's crazy.
Yeah. That's women.
I don't understand.
Bill, bill, bill...
My name's Phil.
Who cares?
Listen, the point is
if our wives find out
we're having fun
with these babies,
they'll never let us
do this again.
So I should keep this
from my wife?
Yes.
But that's lying.
That's men.
I don't know, Jim.
I don't want to get in trouble.
Ohh.
Let me guess.
You got married
very young, right?
Probably right
out of high school?
Yeah, we met
in driver's ed.
Yeah, she's been driving
ever since.
She was the best
at parallel parking.
God, I love her.
I'm sure you do.
But let's get real here.
You'll probably never be able
to salvage this marriage.
Well, that's what mommy says,
but I don't see it.
Well, if there
is any chance at all,
all right, you got to stick
with this one rule.
They like to see us suffer.
She does chuckle
when I stumble.
Exactly.
All right, so what you got to do
is when you go home tonight,
you got to tell her,
"i-I've had the toughest day
I've ever had."
Okay.
All right, let me hear you.
Come on. Let me hear you say it.
Uh, honey, I'm exhausted.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no.
You got to slump down
in a chair.
Oh, okay.
You got to pull
your shirttail out...
Okay.
Start rubbing your head like
you got a pounding headache.
Oh, my head is pounding.
I'm so exhausted.
And my shirttail's out.
What a day.
Y-you got to put a little
more feeling into it.
Can--can you work up
some tears?
Yeah, uh...
I'm just so tired.
That is great!
That's great.
That's good?
Yeah. Now you do that tonight,
and we'll be here next week
suffering through
the toddler triple crown.
Yeah!
I tell you, I wouldn't mind
winning bucks off you
every week.
Yeah, well, you know, Gordon
choked in that last race.
Oh, don't be so hard
on the kid.
No, he literally choked.
There was a raisin
in the carpet,
and it went down
the wrong pipe.
♪♪♪
Hey, honey.
Oh, hey, baby.
Where are the twins?
Oh,
they're upstairs sleeping,
even though I'm the one
who needs the nap.
Well, well, well.
Pretty tired, huh?
Guess daddy and me
was harder than you thought?
Oh, Cheryl.
I-I don't know
who's more exhausted--
those sweet little cherubs
or me.
I mean, all that sharing
and singing songs
about the environment
takes it out of you.
Ha. Ha. Ha. I told you.
Admit it.
Being a mom
is really hard.
Oh, you got me there,
Cheryl. You're right.
Oh, that sounded so good. Okay,
come on let me hear it again.
You're right, Cheryl.
You're right.
I mean, look at me.
E-even my shirttail is out.
'Cause I was right.
I was right. I was right.
I was right.
All right. All right. All right.
I'm--I'm--I'm glad you're happy.
I am,
'cause I was right.
Oh, Cheryl.
I was right.
I was right.
All right. A-all right. This
is never gonna happen again.
Yeah, about that.
No, no, no, Cheryl.
No, no, no, no.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
The other moms and I have
decided we want daddy and me
to be a regular thing.
No, ch--no, Cheryl, you--
you can't lay this on me now
when I'm so exhausted.
My shirttails are out.
Welcome to motherhood.
No, Cheryl. No!
Yeah.
No. No.
♪ No, no-no, no-no,
no, no-no, no ♪
♪♪♪
Come on, Jonah!
Get the lead out.
I think your car's put on
the brakes.
Come on.
Come on. Move it.
Let's go.
Move, move, move.
Come on, move.
We have a winner!
Look at him.
We have blazin' Blake
by a drool-covered chin.
Damn it, Jonah.
First, a peanut allergy,
now this.
Okay, we're now
accepting bets
on race number five.
All right.
This is the grudge match--
"lightning Liza"
versus "Gordon's gone."
You're dead.
Yeah?
Hey, listen.
Uh, Jonathan's up
for the sixth race
and seems
a little cranky.
I think we should
put him down.
You want me to sh**t
your baby?
Andy.
'Cause really you should
do that, Jim. You're the dad.
Put him down for a nap.
Oh.
Oh, I'm really glad
you made that clear.
Yeah.
Hey, there you are, Gordon.
Come here.
Hey, Liza.
Wave to the nice man
who's gonna pay
for daddy's teeth whitening.
Seriously, stop calling
yourself "daddy."
Hey, how was my advice
with your wife?
Oh, worked like magic, Jim.
Yeah?
She even let me drive
the good car today.
Paul. Paul. Paul.
I keep telling you.
My name's Phil.
I know, and I keep telling you,
I don't care.
Come on, let's go.
Let's race these babies!
All right. All right.
Hey, racers,
on your marks.
Here you go, Gordon.
Go, baby.
Here we go.
Get set.
Andy! A g*n?
What's wrong with you?
It's a starter's p*stol.
Babies crawl faster
when they're scared.
Just say, "go."
Oh, like they're gonna know
what that means.
Do it!
Fine. Go!
♪♪♪
Come on.
Come on.
It's a raid!
What the hell
is going on?
Oh.
♪ And on that farm
♪ he had a... cow
♪ e-i-e-i-o
Cheryl, Cheryl,
you're home early.
I mean,
you should have called.
I-I could have had dinner
ready for you,
but I'm just so exhausted.
Sorry, I forgot
my bucks.
Oh.
Okay, Joan, I'm gonna have
to go scream at my husband.
Can I scream at my husband
on your porch?
Sure.
It's not like the neighbors
haven't see that before.
Phil.
I really think
the baby should--
Phil!
Jim, may I have
a word with you?
Uh, you say it's a word,
but I know there's gonna be
a lot more words, isn't there?
So...
You guys having
some problems, huh?
Cheryl, before you start,
I just want you to know
that a lot of those kids
were sharing
at a third grade level.
Jim.
Okay, okay, and you know,
we made bucks,
and I think we can make more
next week.
Baby group is to stimulate
our kids and enrich them.
Cheryl, I was
stimulating them,
and they were enriching me,
that's all.
Jim, what you were doing
out there
is completely unacceptable
to me.
That is because we were
having fun out there.
What is that supposed
to mean?
It means the only reason
you wanted me to have
this daddy group
is to see me miserable.
Oh, that is not true.
Oh, that is so true.
No.
Last week when you came home,
I saw the look in your eye.
You loved it
when you saw me suffer.
Oh, I did not.
Cheryl, you were dancing.
I was not.
I just--i move
with a natural rhythm.
But, Cheryl--
and you know what?
I am not having
this argument.
Fine, let's go see
a movie.
You know what?
You--you were--
you were drinking,
and you were racing our kids
and gambling on it.
Okay, you--
you say, "gambling."
I say, "math."
You say, "racing."
I say, "exercise."
You say, "drinking,"
and I say, "being careful
about hydration."
I say,
"you're full of it."
Daddy group is over.
So I should just
rent the movie?
Oh, my babies,
are you okay?
No, i--no. You are down
to bucks a week.
Wait, wait, wait.
Husbands, can you
believe them?
I know.
So selfish.
I tried to tell 'em.
Andy, you're counting gambling
money with a g*n in your lap.
Guess that makes me
kind of a bad boy,
doesn't it, Joan?
Phil actually tried
to make these baby races
sound like a good idea.
Yeah, did he tell you
gambling was math?
Yes. Did yours cry?
No.
Oh. Do you want me
to talk to him?
Oh, but it's a good thing
that we put a stop to this.
Oh, I know.
Who knows how much
little Liza's confidence
would have been shattered
when Gordon beat her?
Absolutely.
Absolutely,
except Liza
was beating Gordon.
Well, let's just say
they were gonna tie,
but the point is--
oh, they were not
in a tie.
My kid was kicking the crap
out of your kid.
All right,
you want to go, lady?
♪ And on that farm
he had a cat ♪
♪ e-i-e-i-meow!
♪♪♪
All right, next race,
we got the main event.
Yes!
Liza versus Gordon
in the grudge match that
will prove once and for all
who's got
the prettier mom.
My money's on Joan,
especially since
Cheryl's my sister.
Oh.
Okay, Gordon, come on.
Come on, sweetheart.
Is it your day, Gordon?
Oh.
Is this gonna be
your day?
Oh, it's his day.
Don't tell anybody, but I ate
chocolate before I nursed him.
I put coffee
in his formula.
They don't test,
do they?
No.
Are you having fun?
I am.
Good. So I can
have fun now?
Fine.
There's maybe a part of me
that got some small pleasure
out of seeing you suffer.
Hmm. Would that part
be the dancing part?
Probably, yeah.
Then I'm probably right.
Oh, fine. You're right.
Blah, blah, blah.
Cheryl, can you put
the "blah, blah, blah" first
and the "you were right"
at the end?
That just sounds
so much better.
Oh.
All right, can I have
everyone's attention, please?
Okay, Gordon,
come on, buddy.
Real quick,
attention, please.
Uh, concerning
the seventh race--
"jumping Jonah's" a late scratch
because he ate a penny.
Yeah, he thinks
they're candy.
Okay, racers,
on your marks.
All right,
here we go.
Right here.
These are for you
for your crybaby husband,
you know,
when your kid loses.
God, she turns me on
when she talks trash.
Yeah, she's hot.
What?
Look, sorry, me and Joan
aren't doing so good.
And go!
Come on.
Oh, my god. They do crawl faster
when they're scared.
Come on!
♪♪♪