It must be nice
having Jim cook dinner,
giving you the night off.
Yeah, I'll remember that
when I'm scraping out
the grease tray.
Okay, what you and Jim
do in the bedroom
is none of my business.
Hey, hey, hey,
no, no, no, no, no.
You have to go change.
Those are
for your recital.
Oh, I remember
my first dance recital.
I was nine,
and I danced Giselle.
I could have been
a professional.
Oh!
Okay, to recap, Kyle,
you always put the thickest
steak in the middle.
Where it's hotter.
And then five
minutes into it,
you want to give
the steak a quarter-turn
so you get these
really nice crisscross
marks on the steak.
Because you're not just
feeding the stomach...
BOTH: You're feeding the eyes.
Cook my army man.
Where?
In the middle.
Where it's hotter.
(GROWLS)
That's my boy!
(BOTH LAUGH)
Hey, Dana?
Huh?
How do you like
your army men?
Sweaty and shirtless.
Oh...
So this is that
fancy new grill you got
at that drawing?
Mmm-hmm.
Man, you are lucky.
Lucky? Or does God just
like me more than other men?
Or is it having
your daughters fill
out entry forms?
I iced their hands.
Yeah.
Wow, Jim, you and old blue
had some good times together.
Oh, yeah.
I hate to see her go.
Hey, you want her?
Okay, sure, thanks.
bucks?
Oh. Uh...
Yeah, sure.
All right, deal.
Jim, honey?
Can you help me with
something in the kitchen?
Uh, I doubt it.
Kitchen.
Here you go, Andy.
You got the conn.
Aye, sir.
Ooh-hoo-hoo,
I want this
big one here.
No, that one's mine.
Oh, really?
We'll see about that.
Well played.
Okay, Cheryl, make it fast.
My steaks are coming up
on the quarter-turn,
and you know how
I look forward to that.
All right, I don't
think you should sell
the grill to Andy.
I think you should
give it to him.
What!
Yup.
Cheryl, are you kidding?
Grilling and money
is my territory.
Do I tell you how
to fold my underwear
or how to raise
the children?
All the time.
That's because
you don't do it right.
Jim, I just think you
really put Andy on the spot.
Oh, come on!
This is a great grill.
I could take it right now
down to the mall,
walk it around
for an hour,
and I'd get three bids
on it right away.
Yeah. That's what you said
about the washing machine,
and you just ended up
blocking the escalator.
Cheryl, I gave
Andy a fair price.
He accepted.
I said deal.
We shook on it.
There's no take-backs.
Yeah, and I'm sure
that would hold up
on any playground
in the country.
Honey, this is not
how you treat family.
I don't know.
It just doesn't
feel right.
Giving something away
for nothing in return.
I think it's wrong.
I think it goes against
every fiber of my being.
I think every cell in my
body is telling me right now,
"Hey, Jim, bad idea!"
Then it must be
the right thing to do.
You want it?
You want the big steak?
Go get it!
Hey, Andy,
look, I was thinking, uh,
since we're family
and everything,
you know, I...
I think maybe
you should have
the grill for...
Not anything.
What?
Free! For free.
Hey, thanks, man.
Yeah. No problem.
I guess that's
what families do.
They give each other
stuff for free!
JIM: Oh, baby!
JIM: Hey, hey, hey.
You know another great
thing about that grill
I gave you yesterday?
Hmm?
You could put the buns
on the warming rack.
Great.
Yeah, and then
when the smoke comes up,
it makes the buns
taste like meat.
Smokey buns. Can't wait.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, hey, did you get
a chance to fire it up yet?
No, I just got it
from you last night.
Oh.
I made my toast
in the toaster this morning.
Ah. Well, I can't wait
for you to fire it up.
I want to be there when
it happens. I want
to see your face.
What kind of face do you
think you're going to make?
Uh,
maybe something like this.
Hmm. I don't know.
Oh, hey, good.
What do we owe you?
Uh, $ even.
Okay.
What?
It's bucks,
so that's $ each.
Oh, we're splitting it?
Yeah. We always do.
What the hell? I mean,
we're family, right?
Hey, you want to be
part of my family?
Hey, here,
take a stapler.
Thanks.
For free. For free.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait a minute.
I was just trying to make
a point. Give it back to me.
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Okay, okay, take it,
take it, take it.
What's your problem?
I'll tell you
what my problem is.
Is you don't even
buy me lunch
the day after I give you
my old grill for free.
Okay, fine, Jim. You want
me to pay for lunch?
Here, here's bucks.
No, no, no. It's not
about the money.
Well, then what?
It's about appreciating
what I did for you.
Jim, I said thank you.
Geesh, you gave me
a grill, not a kidney.
Yeah, but I bet if I did
give you the kidney,
you wouldn't buy me
lunch then, either!
I know what it is.
You know what it is?
I think you feel
like you deserved it,
like you're entitled to it.
What do you
want from me?
I want my $ .
What?
Or my grill back.
Your choice.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You gave me that grill,
and you can get it back
when you pry
the barbecue tongs
from my cold,
dead hands.
Not if I get to it first.
(CAR BEEPS)
(LAUGHS)
I want my grill!
Yes, yes, yes!
(LAUGHS)
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
No, no, no!
Excuse me, Officer? Hey.
Um, I observed
this miscreant
stumbling out of a bar.
Glug, glug.
Hit him with
the breathalyzer.
Step out of the car,
please, sir.
What?
To the rear
of the vehicle,
please.
Welcome, James.
Did you and the officer
have a nice chat?
Andy, I'm taking
my grill back.
Be my guest. Neither I nor
the Countess will stop you.
But the chain might.
Advantage, Andy.
(YELPS IN PAIN)
Countess, claws!
Oh, there's
my cup of coffee.
Sitting there unattended.
I think I'll partake.
Yeah, no, no. No, see,
I put the cup to my lips,
but I didn't
actually drink it.
Looks like your little joke
went to summer school,
because it failed.
Andy, I didn't do
anything to the coffee.
Because you were loosening
the screws on my chair.
Andy, I didn't do
anything to your chair.
Fine. But I know you're
going to do something
to get me back for the grill.
Well, I'm going to have
sex with your sister.
Does that count?
That stings, James.
Luckily, I have a free
grill to ease my pain.
Good morrow, kind sir.
Oh! Hey, whoa.
I almost forgot
my check.
Thank you.
I'll need this so that
I might convert it into
cooked meats and shellfish.
You didn't sign it.
Didn't I?
Well, that would make
that piece of paper
completely useless.
And no butcher in the world
would accept that
in exchange for meats.
You and the Countess
have a good weekend.
So, you're not going
to pay me until I give
you the grill? Is that it?
Mmm, the price
for my signature, Andy,
is $ , or the grill
brought to my door.
And a pie.
Advantage, Jim.
Oh, there'll be
no pie today, sir.
As I recall,
when you started
the company,
you made Cheryl,
my sister,
an officer
of the corporation.
So?
So, she can legally
sign my check.
Ooh, you want some
ointment for that burn?
(EXCLAIMS)
(LAUGHS)
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
Are you kidding me?
Oh...
Twice in one week,
huh, Officer?
I think you should
take this man downtown
and grill him!
Oh, delicious!
I'm going to k*ll you, Andy!
ANDY: Oh, dear.
Officer, was that a threat?
Okay, sir,
you know the drill.
What?
Rear of the vehicle, sir.
No, you're not
listening, Aunt Dana!
I said toes out!
Okay, yelling isn't going
to make me more flexible.
Just try it again.
Like it'll help.
Oh!
Hey, Cheryl, listen.
(YELLS)
Will you sign my check?
Yeah. Why didn't
Jim do this?
Who knows? He wasn't
at work today.
Makes you wonder
if he's got something
on the side, doesn't it?
(TRUCK APPROACHES OUTSIDE)
It's mine!
The grill is mine!
Mine! All mine!
And to make it official,
I'm going to pee
a circle around it.
Girls, inside.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Yes, yes, yes! Yes!
What are you,
just assigned to me?
Which one of us was better
at the recital today?
I thought you were
excellent, Ruby.
Well, you didn't
say anything about me!
I know.
Dana!
You were
both perfect.
Oh, yes, of course.
Hello.
Hey, Andy.
What's he doing here?
Oh...
Cheryl, these are for
your beautiful daughters,
who were so wonderful
at their recital.
(WHISPERING)
The big one's for you.
So, I didn't
see you there.
No, no, I was
sitting in back
with the other people
who had been
given things
and then had them
taken back and peed on.
You know,
it's the saddest story
in the whole world, Andy.
Boy meets grill,
boy loses grill!
You know what?
This has gone on
long enough.
You guys are both
acting like babies,
and we are not
leaving this table
until you settle
this stupid grill issue.
Oh, come on.
Who's the bigger man?
Oh...
(TISKS)
Cheryl, that's
kind of hard to tell.
You got to put them
both in water and see
who displaces more.
All right.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
You know what, my love?
You are absolutely right.
No, I am. I'm being
petty and childish.
Understatement.
No, really, Andy.
No one man
needs two grills.
So out of
the goodness
of my heart,
I'm going to give,
for free, my grill
to Dana!
What?
Razzle-dazzle,
in the end zone,
yes, yes, yes!
Is Daddy going to pee again?
Dana, here's the key.
It's locked up
in the backyard.
You can get it
whenever you want.
Jim, I don't even
think I have room...
Take the grill!
Okay!
It's yours, Dana.
All yours, yours, yours
for free, free, free!
So... So it's final then?
You're definitely
giving it to Dana?
Yes, I have
given it to Dana.
Ooh, how delicious.
Meow!
Dana, I will purchase
that grill from you
for the sum of $ .
No, $ and a pie!
Okay.
Dana, you can't
sell my grill!
Jim, I believe
it's my grill,
mine, mine, mine,
and I am deciding
to sell it to my brother.
(CACKLES)
Yeah, we're making
great progress here.
Okay, we're heading over
to Andy's for dinner.
Are you sure you
don't want to come?
Cheryl, I am not
going to have the food
off that man's
ill-gotten grill.
The taste
of betrayal
tastes...
(SMACKS LIPS)
Distasteful.
Okay. See you later.
Wait, wait, wait! Wait!
You're going
to the home
of mine enemy?
He's not mine enemy.
He's mine brother.
Right. Your brother,
who shares your girly hips
and your knack
for betrayal!
This is a whole lot
of crazy over $ .
It's not about the money.
It's about
the appreciation.
Respect.
Oh, oh, I see, respect.
So, anybody who doesn't
do what you want,
doesn't respect you?
Thank you.
Your apology
is accepted.
Jim, if you cut people
off every time they don't
do what you want,
you're not going
to have anybody left.
I have you and the kids.
That's all I need.
Oh, honey,
that is sweet.
But I don't believe
it for a second.
All right, I'm going
to head over there,
and I really hope
you'll change your mind
and join us.
I think not.
My doctor has me
on a low-betrayal diet.
Yeah, yeah.
You're betrayed.
I get it, I get it.
You're going to want to sear
the meat on the outside
and then turn down
the heat and cook
them nice and slow.
This is boring.
Yeah, let's go
watch our video.
I don't want
to give anything away,
but they find Nemo!
Hey, Dana, Cheryl.
Want me to let you in
on a little grilling secret?
BOTH: No.
Hey, Kyle...
(LET'S STAY TOGETHER PLAYING)
Hello.
Hey.
I, uh, I ran out of, uh,
Colonel Beauregard
Pontchartrain's
Insanely Hot Hot Sauce.
Um, I was wondering
maybe if you had
some to spare?
Uh, yeah, sure.
I think I can find
something somewhere here.
Uh, don't worry,
I'll pay you for it.
Oh, come on, Andy.
No, no, I want to.
What is it, three,
four bucks?
Oh, please, Andy,
just give me a buck.
This is the grill cover.
It's guaranteed for life,
and in a pinch, it makes
a decent rain poncho.
Okay. Yeah. Thanks.
I'll go get the hot sauce.
I'm bored to death
over there.
Me, too, Andy.
(STAMMERING)
What are we doing?
Wasting a precious day
not grilling together,
that's what we're doing.
Look, Jim, if this
is how it's going to be,
I don't want the grill.
No, no, no, look...
Look, I'm not admitting
anything, all right?
But for argument's sake,
maybe I might
have overreacted.
No, no, that...
That tree you pulled
out of the ground
had it coming.
Andy, you really
pissed me off.
And I still
don't get why!
Well, because I gave
you a free grill,
and you acted like
you didn't even care.
I'm over this.
I said thank you.
I know, but that
wasn't enough.
Look, Andy, I can't
give away anything
without getting
something back.
We're family.
That's what
families do.
Not my family.
No, I mean, look, we hardly
had anything to begin with,
so we never gave
anything away.
At my grandfather's funeral,
we had to bury him naked.
So my uncle could have
a suit to wear to the funeral.
And even when
I donate blood,
I get a box of cookies.
I think you're only
supposed to take one.
It's my blood!
The point is, Andy,
is when I give
you something,
make a big deal out of it.
I need that. You got
to make a big deal
out of it. I don't know.
Well, Jim, listen,
it's easy to make
a big deal of it
when you give me
an incredible
rain poncho/grill cover
like this.
(STAMMERING) Really?
You think it's great?
Jim, hey,
if I go
before you,
please promise me
you're going to bury
me with this thing.
Okay, more.
You are the most
generous man
in all the world.
Ah, no, now you're
embarrassing me.
Please stop.
Hey, my liege.
No, allow the humble
servant before you
to anoint thee
with accolades
you so richly deserve.
Okay, if you're
gonna praise me,
use words that
I understand.
Buddy,
you're like an ice-cold
beer on a hot day.
Now you're going
to make me cry.
(LAUGHS)