Okay, great,
we'll see you then.
Okay, that was Jim, he's at the airport with Mom.
They'll be here in minutes.
Whoa! I just got
that knot in my stomach.
(GROANS)
I've had it since
I knew she was coming.
Do you guys have that
knot in your stomach?
Yeah.
It's even worse now that she's
bringing what's-his-name.
Hey, hey, hey.
Her boyfriend's name is Frank.
Ow!
Ow!
Frank, oh, isn't that perfect?
I'm Frank, I'm glad
your dad's dead.
I kiss your mom on the lips.
Oh!
All right, all right.
Dad's been gone for two years
and Mom finally found
somebody who made her happy.
We should support her.
Look who's still desperate
to be the favorite.
Sorry, peaches, you'll
never be the baby.
Please. I've given her three grandchildren.
It's not even a contest.
Hi, Mommy!
Oh! Oh!
Okay! Mom,
you look great!
Thank you, honey.
I thought you were
minutes away.
Oh, I love that gag.
All you need is
a phone and a sucker.
(LAUGHS)
Frank, let me introduce
you to everyone.
This is Cheryl.
Hi.
Cheryl, hi.
And Dana.
Hello, Dana.
Hi.
And there's my baby.
Hugs?
Hey.
You have a lovely home, Cheryl.
Thanks for opening it to us.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
So anybody for some peach
strawberry iced tea?
Oh, yeah.
What, did a gay delivery truck
hit a pot hole out front?
So, honey, how is the job hunt going?
Any nibbles?
Oh, yeah, there's
plenty of nibbles.
Plenty of nibbles, yeah, yeah.
Oh, good.
Any jobs?
Oh, jobs.
Jobs, jobs...
No.
Just remember, on your
next job interview,
show off the bosom.
Powerful men like that.
(LAUGHING)
That's how your mom
reeled me in.
How about a kiss on the lips?
Uncle Frank is getting a boat.
Uncle Frank is gonna teach
us how to tie knots.
Hmm.
You're a sailor, huh, Frank?
That's right, it was my passion
until I met your mother.
Now it's just a hobby.
Oh!
My father was a landlubber.
But, by God, we loved him.
Andy's kind of an idiot.
Maggie's already told you, right?
Yes.
So, Uncle Frank.
Wow, I just...
I remember when you had to be
related to use that title.
Did you hear that, Frank?
No, Maggie, I was
otherwise engaged.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Oh, my God, you guys
are getting married?
I guess we just can't
hide our bliss, huh?
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
(ALL GROANING)
Welcome to the family.
Here, change your grandson.
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, baby!
Is that Ruby's diary?
You shouldn't read that.
This is how we keep
one step ahead of her.
You know, I just don't
like that Frank.
Did you see the way he was massaging
my mother's shoulders in the kitchen?
And the way he keeps
calling her "honey"?
And then he pulls her
chair out at the table.
Yeah, you're right,
he's a real psychopath.
Oh, look,
she thinks her dad's a hero.
Really?
No, I'm writing it in.
Hey, Jim, Jim.
I need you to focus.
You know, they've only known each other
two months and they're getting married?
I just... I think there's
something rotten here.
I think you're being paranoid.
Am I? You know, she's giving him
the money to buy that boat.
Wait, wait, I didn't hear about this.
What's that about?
Yes.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna run a background check on Frank.
All I need is
his driver's license.
What do you know about
background checks?
Dana ran one on you
before we got married.
What?
I am totally outraged!
That is an invasion of privacy.
Oh, look who's got
a crush on Harry Potter.
Jim!
Now this knot is
the yachtsmen's favorite.
It won't jam and it's
easy to undo in a pinch.
Cool.
Ooh!
Isn't he just a wizard
with the knots?
Yeah, a real wizard.
Like your boyfriend,
Harry Potter.
He's not my boyfriend!
Jim.
Listen, Frank, Jim and I were
thinking about getting a boat.
Really? You guys
can afford a boat?
Yes.
And we were wondering, do you need
some sort of special license or...
Oh, sure, I've had
my license for years.
Oh...
Can I see it?
I mean, you know, it's...
It's a kind of a hobby of mine.
I like looking at licenses.
I didn't know that
about you, Jim.
Oh, sure, Maggie.
My father was a...
A laminator.
I'm sorry,
I left it in Florida.
Oh. Well...
Can I see your
driver's license?
I mean, I can picture you
with a captain's hat on.
It's an old laminator's
trick, you know.
It's in my wallet upstairs.
You really need to
see it right now?
Well, you know...
No, no, no, no.
Wait. We've got
nothing but time.
Yeah, you know, maybe I
should go start lunch.
Jim, Andy, Dana,
will you help me?
Yeah.
Now, girls,
this is a sheepshank.
Cool.
Cool.
My daddy tied
his shoes every day,
but we didn't
sell tickets to it.
JIM: Andy!
"My father was a laminator"?
(SIGHS)
Lunch at : ?
You guys can afford a boat?
What's going on?
We wanna run a background
check on Frank.
Oh, like we did with Jim?
Dana thought
you had crazy eyes.
What?
You were the one who said that.
Well, look at him, am I wrong?
No.
The guy's...
I'm mad right now, not crazy!
All right, all right.
Guys, we need you to keep
Mom and Frank occupied
while we go upstairs and
go through Frank's wallet.
Right.
All right.
Listen...
CHERYL: What?
If something goes wrong and one of us
doesn't make it to the other side,
I just wanna say...
Well, damn it, I love you guys.
Oh, get out of here!
Oh, jeez. Oh!
Look at this.
Three shoehorns, two feet.
You're right, Cheryl,
something doesn't add up.
Jim, would you stop it?
Hurry up.
All right.
You know what,
you should just relax.
This is our bedroom.
We can always say...
Oh, my God,
your mom's underwear.
Trade places.
It's : , honey.
It's time for your heart medication.
Oh, yes, I should get that.
No!
(STAMMERING)
I mean, I'll get it.
Don't be silly, I'll
run up and grab it.
No. wait.
Mom, um...
I kissed a girl in college!
Me too.
Andy, don't tell stories.
(WHISPERING) Do something.
(WHISPERING) I'll head up the
back stairs and cut her off.
Okay.
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Ah-ha! Ah-ha!
What? You got it?
Okay.
Yes, "Frank Crowley."
Remember this number,
"B- - - - - - - - ."
Wait!
How am I supposed to
remember that?
Jim, it's easy, B- ,
like benign.
- , it's the San Francisco
ers, minus one.
. Andy was
born in ' .
And - - is the area
code for San Diego.
Are you wearing a bra?
(INAUDIBLE)
Oh!
What's going on here?
Well, we were just...
(STAMMERING) Uh...
(PANTING) Hurry, she's coming.
(EXCLAIMS)
God, you're fast.
I can't believe that you would go
through Frank's things like that.
Well, Mom, you're
gonna marry the guy,
and we just wanted to find out
a little bit about him...
I thought I raised my
children better than this.
Oh... Well, I have an excuse,
I'm the middle child.
And I'm the baby,
Cheryl made me do it.
Hugs.
Give it a rest, Andy.
Now, take these pills
down to Frank.
Not now.
Mom, I didn't really
kiss a girl in college.
Me neither.
(SIGHING)
Oh, come on, Mom,
can you blame us?
I mean, you've only
known Frank two months
and you're buying him a boat?
I am not buying it.
I am lending him the money until the apartment
building that he sold in Boca Raton
closes escrow.
Maggie, I got to tell you, if I were gonna
take advantage of a vulnerable widow,
that's exactly
how I would do it.
What? My mind wanders
while I'm driving.
Mom, you know, you do hear all
the time about smooth talkers
taking advantage of
people like you.
Oh, you mean, old and alone?
No... You know, maybe Frank
and I should just leave.
Don't go, Maggie.
Maggie, Maggie, don't do that.
They're just worried
about you, that's all.
Come on, they
really love you, Maggie.
Mom, we love you.
Don't go.
Well what about Frank?
Totally forgotten.
Oh, can't we start over?
Do-over. A do-over!
Yeah.
Yeah.
(LAUGHING)
Okay. Thank you.
Okay, I know, I know, we
can do a girls' night out,
like an impromptu
bridal shower.
Yeah, hey, you can use my registry.
Yeah!
Yeah, I already set one up.
(LAUGHS)
What? It comforts me.
Stop looking at me.
And, Jim, Jim, maybe you and
Andy can take Frank out.
A bachelor party?
Well, I mean, I'm not
really, you know,
a boobs-and-liquor
kind of guy.
But, you know, if you
think it would help...
(SULTRY MUSIC BLARING)
You know, strip-club
choreography
has made great strides
in recent years.
Do you come here a lot?
Ah, once or twice.
Hey, Misty. Yeah.
How's your son?
If he's still having a problem
with those fractions, call me.
Maybe three times.
All right, here we go,
another round.
Oh, Jim, I said
I'd get the next round.
Oh, no, don't be silly, this is your bachelor party.
I wouldn't hear of it.
We'll settle up
at the end of the night.
To Frank and Maggie.
Mmm. Mmm.
Oh! Whoa!
I don't usually drink tequila.
But right now
I can't imagine why.
(ALL LAUGH)
You know, Frank,
I'm starting to like you.
Hey, Andy, how are you doing?
Hey, Venus,
how's the new puppy?
Oh, Mr. Patches,
he is so cute.
So, who am I shaking
my business at?
Right there.
I'm buying you a dance, my friend.
No, no, no, I couldn't.
That's not what Maggie says.
(LAUGHS) Hey-o!
Hey, that's my mom.
Hey, come on.
Andy is such an angel.
You know, he bought my daughter braces.
I wish they had soup here.
Why?
I don't know. There's something
about naked women and soup.
You know what I'm saying?
Not at all.
VENUS: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, I was dancing for your
friend and he had a heart attack.
I think he's dead.
What?
Starlight, you're
pre-med, let's go!
(DOOR OPENING)
(SIGHING)
Cheryl, Cheryl, get up. Mmm.
Oh, honey...
I know you saw naked girls
tonight but I'm not in the mood.
Cheryl, I need to talk to you.
We took Frank
to the Oval Office.
(LAUGHS) Oh, no.
That place on Grand?
Oh, my God, he must have died.
Well, not immediately.
I mean, we, you know,
had a few drinks
and shot the breeze and I
bought him a lap dance,
(CLEARS THROAT)
and then, you know...
Then he died.
Frank's dead?
Yeah.
You k*lled Frank!
No, I did not k*ll Frank.
What are you talking about?
You took him to a strip club and
you bought him a lap dance.
Honey, it was a bachelor party.
What? You want me to take
him to Color Me Mine?
We were supposed to
do that kind of thing.
Oh, God.
I know.
Oh, God, my poor mom.
I know.
(SIGHING)
All right, we're gonna have to
go wake her up and tell her.
Yeah.
Oh, honey...
Mom, Frank was a great guy.
Oh! And he loved
you so much.
Here's to Captain Frank.
You'll sail no more
these mortal seas,
but on God's waters,
you'll brave the winds
as ye stand proudly on the...
The, uh...
The pointy part of the ship.
Bow, you idiot.
Oh, sorry.
Mom, no. Come on,
let me do that.
No, no. I'd like to, I
need to keep busy. Mom.
Mom brings her fiance to get
our blessing and what do I do?
I go through his pants
and my husband kills him.
(CRYING) I'm
such a bad hostess.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Can somebody else get that?
Come here, Cheryl,
I need to talk to you.
What is it? Oh, nothing.
Everything is fine.
Gosh.
Thanks.
Hmm.
"Sorry for your loss.
"From everyone
at the Oval Office.
"Love, Misty, Starlight, Venus,
Twinkle and Blueberry Muffin."
(CRYING) Those guys.
Hey, what's going on?
Well, after what
happened the other day,
I decided to go ahead and run
that background check on Frank.
You what?
Well, when you have an inkling about
something, you're usually right.
I hate that about you but...
I decided to set
the record straight.
And?
Cheryl, Frank was a con man.
He did time for fraud.
Get out!
Oh, no, he's been scamming
widows for years.
He was gonna take
Maggie for everything.
Oh, my God.
Hey, what about that apartment
complex in Boca Raton?
I'm starting to wonder if
there ever was a Boca Raton.
Where're you going?
I got to go tell my mom.
Why?
So something like this
doesn't happen again.
So instead of just
feeling heartbroken,
she's got to feel
heartbroken and stupid?
Jim, she's my mom,
I think I know what's best.
Okay. Oh, no, no, no,
no, you're coming.
You k*lled him.
I didn't k*ll him!
Oh, I'm gonna make a sandwich.
What? Well, it'll
just be more natural.
Oh, come on.
Mom?
Honey, do you remember
where I'd wash dishes
and you would stand on a stool next
to me and be my dryer and we'd talk?
Yeah.
Life goes by so fast.
Do you ever do that
with Ruby and Gracie?
No, they whine.
Yeah, they're spoiled.
We've done a terrible job with them.
Listen, Mom...
(WHISPERING) Psst. Cheryl. What?
What is this?
Meatloaf.
Sweet.
Mom, there's something I need
to tell you about Frank.
What about Frank?
(STAMMERING)
Well, the thing is...
Would you excuse me? Jim's never really
made a sandwich by himself before.
Just one second.
(WHISPERING) Jim.
Oh, thank God you're here.
That is not meatloaf.
You gotta start putting labels on these things.
(SHUSHES)
What? I can't do it.
I need you to tell her.
You want me to k*ll her?
What? No! Tell her.
Honey, if you're gonna whisper,
you need to enunciate.
Imagine if I had
acted immediately.
Oh, come on, sweetheart. Just...
Please do it. Please tell her.
No, no, I told you I didn't
wanna do it in the first place.
Honey, I'm begging you.
Cheryl, I said no.
I am begging you. Please, please, please.
No, I'm not gonna do it. No.
I'll find you meatloaf.
(SIGHS) I hate myself.
(SIGHS)
So, Maggie, how's the
healing process going?
Jim, Frank died last night.
So... Slowly?
You know, every time
I'd walk into a room,
he would look up at me
and he would say,
"You know what,
"I'm really happy."
And for the first time,
boy, in a long time,
I felt so...
So alive.
Yeah.
Maggie, Frank was a thief.
What?
JIM: Yeah...
Because he...
He stole your heart,
and that's what thieves do.
They steal.
But this is a good
kind of stealing.
Because Frank was
a good man, Mom.
And that's how we'll
always remember him.
Right?
Jim, isn't that what you meant?
Uh, apparently.
Thank you, honey.
You too.
Oh, yeah, Maggie.
I'm gonna go upstairs and pack.
Okay.
(SIGHING)
I'm very proud of you.
You did the right thing.
Oh, thank you.
You know, Cheryl, while I was running
that background check on Frank,
I also ran one on you.
What?
Don't worry, don't worry.
You know, you came up
perfectly clean. Okay.
Mabel.
(EXCLAIMS)
You told me you didn't
have a middle name.
I hate it.
Don't you ever use that again.
All right, your
secret's fine with me.
(IN SINGSONG VOICE) Mabel,
Mabel, set the table.
Stop it, stop it, I mean
it, I mean it, Jim.
Pour the drinks if you're able.
Stop it!
La, la, la, la, la...