Whoa, Ruby.
Sweetie, come here, honey.
We have to talk
about your birthday.
Do you want the Little Mermaid,
Cinderella, or Snow White?
I want a clown.
Are you sure, honey? 'Cause once you
get a clown you're stuck with him.
Did I not say that
at your bridal shower?
Then can I have
Prince Charming?
Oh, Ruby.
Oh!
Prince Charming doesn't
just show up at your door.
You have to go out
and search for him.
You have to go to bars,
join a gym...
Dana...
(MOUTHING)
All right, Ruby, come on,
let's go make tiaras.
Now, the first thing to look for
in a prince is no wedding ring.
JIM: Hello.
Hi, Daddy.
Hi, girls.
Honey, thank you.
Here you go.
Hey, did you get the
plates for Ruby's party?
I sure did.
What do these look like?
Jim, how could you
get NASCAR plates?
Jim, NASCAR plates don't go
with Disney Princess cups.
Now it's all a mish-mash,
there's no theme.
Well, can't "no theme"
be the theme?
Okay, what's all this?
Well, those are the munchies
you asked me to pick up.
Jim, I said scrunchies.
I wanted them to go
in the goodie bags.
As usual, nothing gets
done right unless I do it.
Hey, just because it wasn't done
your way doesn't mean it was wrong.
Yeah, Jim, it kind of does.
What's a scrunchie?
It's a cloth-covered
hair ornament
with gentle elastic designed to aid
in the twist and loop of a ponytail.
Duh!
Well, here's a stumper for
you, what are testicles?
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, baby!
Cheryl, hey!
(GROANS)
Wake up!
What, are you still sleeping?
You don't look so good.
Put some make-up on.
Cheryl, come on, you're
not even trying anymore.
Jim! I'm sick.
What?
My throat hurts,
I've got a temperature.
Oh, honey,
I can't be sick today,
it's Ruby's birthday.
(WHISTLES)
You are burning up, let me get
you a couple of aspirins.
Oh, thank you, honey.
Oh, I can't believe I'm gonna
have to cancel her party.
Yeah, now don't you feel silly about making
such a big deal out of the NASCAR plates?
(COUGHS) Mommy, am I seven now?
Oh, yes, you are,
my big birthday girl.
How many hours
till my party starts?
Oh, sweetie, don't sit too close
to Mommy, okay? I'm sick.
Um... Honey...
I am really sorry, but I don't
think I can do your party today.
No, you have to.
Oh, honey, I wish I could.
I just don't want to get all the other kids sick.
Can't Daddy do it?
(SNICKERS)
That is so cute.
What's cute?
She thinks you can do the
party without me. No.
Honey, that's not
Daddy's thing.
(STAMMERS) Whoa, not my thing?
Cheryl, flossing
may not be my thing.
Judging Amy
may not be my thing.
Flushing a toilet
may not be my thing.
But throwing a little party
for my daughter,
Cheryl, that's my thing.
Jim, Jim, I'm serious,
you know, it's a lot
of work to...
There's a whole list of things that
goes into throwing a party like this.
What's this?
It's my party book. Scared?
I'm not scared of books,
I just prefer movies.
Come on, I can do it.
Ruby, I, your father,
will take care of everything.
And this may surprise
your mother,
but I'm perfectly capable
of taking care of my children.
Head! Oh!
(HEAD BANGING WALL)
She's fine, she's fine.
She's just a little clumsy.
Oh, poor Gracie,
feeling a little left out today
because Ruby's getting
all the attention?
Oh, don't worry,
your birthday is in,
like, what, seven months?
Seven!
Wow, that must be
like a lifetime to you.
No great comeback, princess?
I didn't think so.
You put a cupcake on
my chair, didn't you?
That's right, princess.
(BALLOON SQUEAKING)
Did I hurt you?
(SQUEAKING CONTINUES)
I'm so sorry.
Hey, aren't you
supposed to be in bed?
Yes.
What are you doing down here?
Are you checking on me?
No, honey, I always like to take
a walk right after I throw up.
Honey!
What?
You didn't even write the girls'
names on the goodie bags.
No, they're all Britney or Ashley,
what difference does it make?
You can't just wing it.
You know, if you fail to
plan, you plan to fail.
Oh, great. Why don't
you shave your head
and chant that at the airport.
Oh!
Ta-da!
Do I know how to make a cake
for a princess, or what?
Oh, Dana, it's beautiful, and
honey, thank you for dressing up,
the girls are gonna love
that costume. Yeah.
Well, I figure if you're
gonna be a spinster aunt,
you might as well
be a good one.
Hey, finally got some good use out
of that bridesmaid gown, huh?
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
All right, I brought you magazines,
tissues and cold medicine.
Hey, did you get me mouthwash?
Oh, maybe not enough.
So, party man,
anything in Cheryl's book
I can help with?
Yeah, you can throw it out.
I don't know
if that's a good idea.
Last time you threw out
Cheryl's instructions,
we accidentally
drove to Canada.
We had a fun time.
We saw a moose.
Oh.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
I'll go get that.
Now, listen,
it's not that big of a deal.
Come on, it's
a two-hour kiddy party.
We put in a videotape,
we feed them some pizza,
pump them full of sugar
and let them go.
Hi, Jim.
Well, hello, Sandy.
Hey.
Hi. So are you ready
for nine little girls?
Oh, well, I think I
can handle them. Oh.
Oh, for me?
You shouldn't have.
No. No, those
are for... Oh!
I got you.
Oh, God, you rascal, you.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
You know, I have to tell
you, you are a great dad.
My husband would never stick
around for a slumber party.
Ah...
Slumber party?
Yeah. Yeah.
You mean, as in...
Slumber party, stay all night?
Well, with these kids, it's more
like stay up all night. But...
(KIDS SCREAMING)
All right, all right,
I'm gone, I'm out of here.
I'll pick you up
tomorrow after breakfast.
Have fun, girls!
(CLAMORING)
What are we gonna do?
I got an idea.
I got an idea.
Hey, girls! Girls!
Bedtime!
"And then J.Lo showed up at the Versace
party with Ben Affleck on one arm
"and a Cartier bracelet
on the other.
"The benefit was to raise money for the
survivors of..." Blah, blah, blah.
The end.
(BOTH SIGHING)
Well, I'm gonna go put the
finishing touches on the cake.
I wish I was J.Lo.
Oh! You are, honey.
You're just living in Illinois
with no talent
and a fat husband.
Cheryl. Cheryl!
How could you not tell me
this was a slumber party?
I did.
When?
When I looked you right
in the eye and I said,
"Jim, Ruby's having
a slumber party."
Did you tell me to focus?
Yes.
Did you give me a treat?
No.
Well, there you go!
Cheryl...
Whatever, Jim.
(STAMMERING)
Look, you know, Jim, come on, honey,
just admit you're in over your head.
Honey, there's no shame in not being able
to handle a room full of little girls.
Just go downstairs
and call the moms
and tell them
to pick up their kids.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you'd
love that, wouldn't you?
What? This part of
your plan, isn't it?
What plan?
Your plan, you win, I lose.
Oh, honey, that's not a plan,
that's a fact of life.
Uh-huh.
And that's very funny, Cheryl.
Almost as funny as the little
thing coming out of your nose.
Oh, damn!
You know what, I'm gonna
do whatever it takes.
By hell or high water,
by hook or crook,
and as God as my witness,
this is gonna be the best birthday
party Gracie has ever had.
It's Ruby's birthday.
You just can't let go, can you?
Is this your card?
No.
Yes, it is.
My card was a hundred.
There's no "a
hundred" in the deck.
Oh, Jim, hey, help me, please.
What? I got two things, card
tricks and impressions,
and they don't strike me
as a big Nixon crowd.
Daddy, when does
my party start?
Real soon, honey.
Real, real soon.
Hey, girls, look who's here!
Ex-President
Richard Nixon.
Would anyone like
a glass of Watergate?
You smell like the hamper.
Okay, Dana,
let's go, cake time.
No, no, no, no, no, you
don't start with the cake,
you build to the cake.
Did the pizzas come yet?
No. Then we build to the pizzas.
Uh, uh, uh, Jim.
I have put my heart
and soul into this cake.
I was working on it
at : this morning
and we don't serve it
until I say we serve it.
Stop acting like a princess.
(STOMPS FOOT) I am so not
acting like a princess!
Oh, my, God.
You butcher!
What are you...
My cake!
Just lighting the candle.
This is not your cake, by the way.
Oh, my God, look!
My cake's on fire!
(BOTH CLAMORING)
All right, hold on, hold on,
hold on, I got it. Here. Here.
(STAMMERING) Here, here, here!
(SCREAMING)
Cake's still good.
You ass!
There are children here.
Watch your mouth!
We do this by placing three-quarter-inch
plywood over the existing studs,
then covering it all
with drywall.
Can you say drywall?
You don't have a
girlfriend, do you?
Where's Dana?
Where's the cake?
There was some unpleasantness.
Okay, good to know.
I'm gonna get Cheryl.
Nope. No.
We don't need Cheryl,
we're fine.
We only got, like, hours.
Fourteen hours?
That must feel like
a lifetime to you.
Okay, girls.
What do you wanna do now?
We wanna make
fairy-dust necklaces.
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
So, uh, what next?
Tell us a story.
A story! What a great idea.
Yeah. Hey.
Why don't you girls
grab your sleeping bags,
lie down in them
in case you fall asleep.
But it's only : .
What's your name?
Ashley.
Ashley. Adorable.
Common but adorable.
That is the cutest watch.
May I, sweetie? Aw!
Hello Kitty.
Goodbye, Kitty.
Hey!
Hay...
...is for horses.
(BOTH NEIGHING)
Okay, uh...
So what kind of story would
you girls like to hear?
A princess story.
Ooh!
No, a rainbow story.
Ooh!
A story about a pony
named Twinkle.
Okay, I hear,
"Scary story."
Andy, you turn off the lights.
Here we go.
(MOANING EERILY)
Once upon a time,
there was this crazy guy
and he had six fingers
on his feet.
What's his name?
It doesn't matter.
Is it Twinkle?
No! Get off it!
Anyway,
they called him
Old Finger Foots, yeah.
And he lived in a graveyard
right where we
built this house.
And he used to ride around
on a skeleton horse.
Was his name Twinkle?
No!
What happened was, he was
really thirsty one night.
Twenty years ago,
this very night.
And he wanted some blood and
popcorn and Cheetos and stuff.
And so he crept up the driveway
with his six-fingered feet,
and he looked in the window
and a sharp windmill blade
ripped off his head!
My head!
(GIRLS SCREAMING) My head!
So, remember, - - is for real
emergencies, not ghost stories, okay?
All right,
who dialed - - ?
Joe.
Joe, who?
Joe mama!
Are you out of your mind
telling them ghost stories?
Can you do me a favor?
Can you just tell
these little girls
that if they don't go to sleep
you're gonna put them in jail?
Doesn't work, I tried
it on my kids.
Daddy, Ruby's under the sink.
(EXHALES)
Thank you, honey.
Okay, entertain them.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
With what?
I'm out of material.
Show them your webbed toe.
I usually charge for that.
Just do it!
(SIGHS)
Hey, anybody in there?
(GRUNTS)
Come on, Ruby, what's going on?
RUBY: This is
the worst party ever.
It is not. It's a great party.
Everybody's having fun.
Are you?
Well, yeah, I mean...
No.
I wish Mommy wasn't sick.
Oh.
Me, too.
You think this is a bad party?
When I was seven I didn't
even get a birthday party.
Why?
I don't know.
That's ancient history.
Hey...
Oh, baby!
I know why we're
not having fun.
Because the real fun
isn't supposed to start
until the actual time
that you were born.
Which was : .
And what time is it now?
: .
Don't they teach you
anything at that school?
It's : !
So now the party can begin.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(SINGING I'M NOT A GIRL,
NOT YET A WOMAN)
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
(I'M NOT A GIRL,
NOT YET A WOMAN PLAYING)
Hey.
Hey, baby, how are you feeling?
Oh, better.
Who wrote "Poo"
on Andy's forehead?
Joe.
Joe, who?
Joe mama.
I guess you had to be there.
Well, honey, the house
is still standing,
nobody's missing.
Looks like the party went okay.
The party went better than okay.
Oh, honey.
Every first grader is
gonna be talking about it
at the drinking fountain
Monday morning.
The party couldn't have
been more perfect.
Actually, better than perfect.
What's a better word
than perfect?
Oh, right, "me."
(LAUGHS)
Okay, honey,
I was wrong and you were right,
my way is not the only way.
Oh, that goes down so smooth.
All right, come on,
you go upstairs
and I'll fix you
something to eat.
Okay, sweetie.
Hey, did you save me any cake?
Cake? Oh, Cheryl,
come on,
I lit the thing
on fire and hosed it.
Jim!
Okay, girls, breakfast!
Hey, honey,
thank you.
You made Ruby's day.
Just doing my job, ma'am.
(LAUGHS) And by the way,
you are never allowed to
get sick ever, ever, again
on anybody's birthday.
Okay.
Except for yours
because that's "your day."
Okay, girls,
come on, breakfast!
Let's go!
(GIRLS SCREAMING) There you go.
Thanks, Daddy, you're the best.
Oh, Happy Birthday, baby.
Hey, what's for breakfast?
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
Everybody loves
the Andy-man.
It's a gift, Jim.
Ashley...
Mmm, mmm, mmm!
Okay, birthday girl
gets to eat first.
(LAUGHS)