Okay, that's it.
Give it a try.
Ooh!
Uh-huh.
See that, Andy?
Making magic
for under bucks.
Oh.
Check the bulbs.
BOTH: Ooh!
(BOTH EXCLAIM
IN FRUSTRATION)
BOTH: Ooh!
Best part of Christmas.
Third year in a row,
and they still don't know.
BOTH: Ooh!
(BOTH EXCLAIM
IN FRUSTRATION)
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, baby!
So he's gorgeous,
an amazing dresser,
and his office is
right next to mine.
Gay?
And married.
Cheryl, can you give me a hand?
I got dog crap on my shoe.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
Look at that.
Cary Grant's home.
Oh. Okay, honey, honey.
Please, outside.
It was so weird. I thought it was frozen
like the other ones I was kicking.
I smell Christmas cookies.
CHERYL: Yeah.
Give me one. Give me one. And they're not
for you, they're for Marilyn Crannis.
Marilyn Crannis?
Yes.
As in Mrs. Al Crannis?
Yes.
Cheryl, we do not talk
to those people. Honey,
come on, not this again.
Would you let it go?
I don't even remember what started
your stupid feud with Al.
, April nd, Al Lloyd Crannis
was redoing his driveway.
He took the excess tar,
dumped it in the street,
I tracked it into the house
and you yelled at me.
Fourth of July
that following year,
I celebrated our nation's birthday by
putting a bottle rocket in his mailbox,
you yelled at me.
Then that coming spring, Crannis'
dog defecated on our front lawn,
I respond in kind.
Oh.
And you really, really yelled at me.
All right.
All right, honey, honey,
honey, I get it. ...
I get it.
But Marilyn and I are friends.
And we think the two of you are acting like babies.
Oh, what do you know?
Hey, hey.
What do you care?
Mmm.
I know what this is about.
You wanna get invited to Crannis'
stupid Christmas party, don't you?
Yes, I do. I do.
And it's not stupid, Jim.
Every year I have to listen
to it across the street.
The caroling, the laughter,
the conviviality.
And then I have to hear about
it from all the neighbors,
and I just have to
nod and smile.
Well, I'm tired of it.
It hurts my neck and my face.
Slow down, Cheryl, I think he's
still stuck on conviviality.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Great. Great!
So you turn on your own husband, huh?
Me. Oh, honey.
And you bake cookies with
ingredients that I paid for
just to get invited to some stupid party.
Or shall I call it
the party of betrayal?
(LAUGHS) Oh! Honey.
Al, come on in. Hey!
(LAUGHS) Hello, Cheryl.
Oh, you look younger every day.
Oh.
Now, what is your secret?
Well...
Good lovin'.
What do you want, Crannis?
Oh, to spend as little time
as possible talking to you.
Do you know what this is?
The worst ventriloquist
act I've ever seen?
(LAUGHS)
Then I guess I need a better dummy.
Are you available?
(LAUGHING) Oh.
Wait, wait, wait.
Is this the head of one of your wise men?
Uh-huh. Apparently,
someone knocked it off
when they backed
their red truck
into my nativity scene, and...
(STAMMERS) I'm sure it was
just an accident. Mmm.
Yeah. Yeah, that's because you put your
gaudy display too close to the curb,
which, by the way, the
city owns, you don't own.
(LAUGHS) You owe me
a new wise man.
I don't owe you anything,
you know that?
In fact, the more
I think about it,
you owe me.
Oh, for what?
For the last two minutes
you've stolen from my life.
Ooh!
Imagine trying to put a price on that.
Oh. Oh.
Oh, that's a good one... I'll give you a price...
Bye, Al. Say hi to Marilyn.
Cheryl, you just
cut off my zinger.
I was gonna say, "A price on that?
I'll give a price on that.
"Shut up!"
Honey, now we're never gonna get
invited to their Christmas party.
Oh! Who needs Crannis?
CHERYL: Oh.
We can have our own party right here
without the unpleasantness of guests.
Oh, honey, come on, I really
want to go to that party.
You know what?
I think you could be
the bigger man,
and you can go and
apologize to Crannis, huh?
(JIM CHUCKLING) Hmm?
No way.
Oh!
No. No, I have put too much
into this feud to let it end.
Besides, Easter's coming up,
and in the spirit
of the holiday,
I'm gonna give him
an Easter bunny
that he thinks is chocolate.
(LAUGHS)
These pants have
gotten a little snug.
Amazing how the fabric shrinks just
hanging in the closet all year.
All right, you're all set.
Go change.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Oh. So you're gonna play Santa
for the senior center this year?
If you got a better way to get
widows to sit on my lap,
I'm all ears.
Hey, Al. Marilyn, come in.
MARILYN: Hi.
Al has something he'd
like to say to you. Al?
(LAUGHS)
Uh... Yes.
Marilyn and I would be delighted
if you and your
whole family, including
Jim, would come to our
annual Christmas bash.
Oh, that's great. We'll bring wine.
See you there!
Hold it! Hold it.
What's with the
about-face, Crannis?
Well, it's just my way of
saying "apology accepted."
Well, that takes care of that.
See you at the party.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What apology?
Well, you did buy me a new wise man.
Surprisingly big of you.
You didn't? Oh, honey, it
was the right thing to do.
You see? This is why they
don't have women in the army.
Jim, they have
women in the army.
They do?
Crannis!
I didn't buy you anything.
Oh, really?
In fact, I wouldn't give you a piece
of gum if your face were bleeding.
What?
You heard me!
Then I will take that as an ill-conceived
and poorly ex*cuted insult.
That's right, pal.
That is exactly what it was.
Jim... Fine, fine.
Then I rescind my invitation to you.
Al, please don't do this.
All right, all right, Marilyn.
Cheryl, you and the rest
of your family are welcome.
Oh, thank you. What should we bring?
Uh, just yourselves.
Jim, however, should bring an apology
if he wishes to join the festivities.
Oh, I'll give you apology!
You want to hear an apology?
Shut up!
See that, Cheryl?
First, the zinger, then slam the door.
Okay.
(CAROLERS SINGING
CHRISTMAS SONG)
I can't believe it.
You're actually going to go to
Crannis' party without me, aren't you?
Yes, I am.
Well, you know what, Cheryl,
I'm having a cutlery sale,
% off every knife in my back!
Honey.
Go ahead!
Oh, come on.
Look, I wish you were
coming with us.
We're ready, Daddy.
Mommy said we're gonna ride
on a real flying reindeer.
She was fighting me
on the dress-up shoes.
A very merry, one and all.
Hey. Oh, look at you guys,
you look great. You too.
Thank you. Are you ready to go?
Hey, buddy.
Yeah. Hey, Cheryl,
thanks for inviting me.
You know, Christmas can be such a
vulnerable and lonely time for some people.
Oh, I know, honey.
Yeah.
And those sorry losers are gonna
be lining up to meet you-know-who.
Oh.
Daddy, why aren't you
coming with us?
Oh, honey, I'm...
I got a bunch of
Christmas stuff to do.
You go have some fun, all right?
Okay.
Bye, Daddy.
Bye, Daddy.
JIM: Bye, honey.
Bye, sweetheart.
(BITTERLY) Bye.
CHERYL: Oh.
Jim, if you change your mind,
I'll jot down directions.
Andy, it's across the street.
No, on how to apologize.
Hey-o!
Really? Get out of here.
There's nothing you're gonna do there
that I can't do here by myself.
(SCOFFS)
Christmas party.
Ha!
Mistletoe.
(KISSING SOUNDS)
Oh, Merry Christmas, Jimmy.
I, um...
I forgot my scarf.
Freak.
(CAROLERS SINGING
CHRISTMAS SONG)
MAN ON TV: A Merry Christmas to
us all, my dears. God bless us!
BOY ON TV: God bless
us, every one.
MAN ON TV: A Merry Christmas to
us all, my dears. God bless us!
BOY ON TV:
God bless us...
MAN ON TV: A Merry Christmas
to us all, my dears.
(MAN SPEAKING
SPANISH ON TV)
(BOY SPEAKING
SPANISH ON TV)
(SINGING ALONG
TO CHRISTMAS MUSIC)
(CAROLERS SINGING
CHRISTMAS SONG)
And after she dumped
me, I got sick. Oh.
My car broke down.
Oh, that's terrible.
What kind of car?
It's my mom's.
Who wants punch? I do.
I'll get it. Bye.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm telling you,
you cannot make
those Buckingham Palace
guards laugh.
Believe me.
I've tried.
He even made his crazy face.
Do it, Al.
(LAUGHING) All right.
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
Oh! Stop, Al!
Stop! Or I'm gonna
wet my pants.
Uh-huh.
Who wants to see our new kitchen?
Oh!
Oh, I hear she has Internet
access in her refrigerator.
Wow.
Yeah.
Why?
I don't know.
Wow.
JIM: Oh.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas. Ho, ho, ho.
Oh, look at you. Have you been
good boys and girls this year?
Well, then, why don't you
go over there and grab Santa
a cold beer
from the ice bucket.
Oh, this is fantastic.
I didn't know the wife hired a Santa.
Huh? Yeah. So what's the damage?
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Well...
A hundred bucks.
A hundred.
An hour.
An hour.
Three-hour minimum!
Okay. That's...
Here you are.
Oh, ho, ho...
Mill about and be jolly.
Whatever you people do.
Ho, ho, ho...
Thanks, sucker.
Ho, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas!
Can anyone here tell Santa what the
final score of the Blackhawks game was?
They lost - in overtime.
Oh, ho, ho, no.
Santa had bucks
on that game.
Damn.
Hi, Santa!
Oh.
My girls, Ruby and Gracie.
You know our names? Oh! Why, yes.
Santa knows everything.
You know how much
the sun weighs?
You got Santa here.
You really want to talk about that?
No, no. Okay, I want a
Tammy Talks-a-Lot doll.
You got it. How about you, baby?
I want a pony.
Okay, I'm hearing two
Tammy Talks-a-Lot dolls.
Does it talk a lot?
Yes, it talks nonstop,
just like your mommy.
RUBY: Merry Christmas!
GRACIE: Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas,
my lovely girls.
Oh, yes.
Are you allowed to drink beer, Santa?
What are you, a cop?
Yeah, I own my own business.
It's great.
Except I got my obnoxious
brother-in-law working for me.
Favor to my sister.
(ANDY AND WOMAN CHUCKLING)
Hey, Kringle, take a hike.
I'm this close to pay dirt.
It's your obnoxious brother-in-law.
Jim?
(GASPS) Is that my costume?
Relax.
Not now.
Please, please, tell me you're not
wearing my unitard under there.
Oh, Jim.
Oh, shrimp.
Come back to papa here.
My beard! You're getting
it in that cheese sauce!
Oh, great, just like Crannis to put
the good stuff far in the back.
We gotta clean this off.
I'm warning you,
if this doesn't come out, I'm
throwing such a hissy fit.
Oh, I'm so scared.
All right. All right. Easy.
Take it easy, will you?
No, no, no, not in the sink,
you'll clog the drain. What?
Well, what am I supposed to do?
Kneel over top of the toilet.
What?
Yeah.
The toilet.
Get down.
This reminds me of high school.
Remind me to leave
Marilyn a note.
Will you take it easy?
(TOILET FLUSHES) Oh, oh!
Oh, my God! It's gone!
All right, I'll get you a new one.
That's a $ beard.
Well, I'm not gonna pay $ .
Whoa. Overflow.
Oh, overflow.
Turn off the water!
Okay.
It's not moving.
It's not moving! Damn it.
Oh!
Okay. All right.
I'm out of here. No. What? No.
No, no, no.
I can't have Crannis find me here.
Oh, my God!
(JIM GRUNTS)
Give me a hand!
Give me a hand!
Give me a hand!
All right.
Don't touch me there!
Look out.
JIM: No! No!
(ANDY GRUNTS)
JIM: Thanks!
I'm coming!
(SCREAMS IN
FRUSTRATION)
I'd give it a minute.
I did some pretty lethal
food combining tonight.
Ooh!
Hello.
What're you doing back from the party so soon?
Honey. Oh, my God!
You are not gonna believe what's
happening at the Crannis'...
Did you vacuum?
Cheryl, I cannot
live in this filth.
Honey, listen, one of the
toilets got clogged,
and the whole place
is flooded. It's a mess.
Oh, wow, that's too bad.
Did you polish the silver?
If not me, then who, Cheryl?
Hey, honey, do you know
where that space heater is?
Space heater? Why do you
need a space heater?
Well, because we're moving the
party out to the Crannis' garage.
Garage?
Yeah.
Oh, Cheryl, you can't have a
party in a garage. Oh, honey.
You really don't get it, do you?
What?
Honey, it doesn't matter
where we have the party,
we just wanna stay
together and celebrate.
That's what
Christmas is all about.
(CAROLERS SINGING SILENT NIGHT)
So, space heater.
(INHALES)
Just wait here for a minute.
Oh, my God. The spices
are in alphabetical order.
(CAROLERS SINGING JINGLE BELLS)
(LAUGHING) Hey!
Very good!
Oh, Jim. Jim, old man.
Jim, old man.
Damn fine...
Damn fine gesture.
That was so lovely.
Oh...
I believe I owe you an apology.
And it's not just the eggnog talking.
It's the bourbon in the eggnog.
Oh, ho, ho...
(AL LAUGHING)
Well, it takes a big drunk man to
admit when he's wrong, Crannis.
Apology accepted.
Oh, good.
And you know, sending over your plumber
in the middle of the holidays,
that's first-rate,
just first-rate!
Oh, come on.
Don't mention it, Crannis.
You know, at this time of the year,
Greenberg's just sitting around anyway.
Oh, good.
Well, happy holidays.
Oh, Merry Christmas
to you too. Oh...
Oh, Al.
Hey, honey.
Hey, baby.
Um, guess what,
your plumber called.
Yeah? He did.
He found the problem.
He did?
Yes.
Apparently, a Santa's beard
got caught in the pipes.
(LAUGHS)
That is so weird! Isn't it?
You know what else is weird?
When I told Andy, he got
scared and ran upstairs.
And it got me thinking...
I did it.
Yeah. So you were the Santa
who told Ruby and Gracie
they could have
Tammy Talks-a-Lot dolls?
Yeah. You do know they're
$ apiece? What?
(MUSIC STOPS)
Okay, why don't we
take that outside? Okay.
Anyway, I shouldn't have
just run off like that.
I mean, it doesn't matter what
kind of car you drive, right?
Yeah.
So, anyway, what do you do?
They test dr*gs on me.
All right.
So why did you finally
decide to go to the party?
Well, I don't know, I just...
I don't know.
Could it be that you wanted to
be around people at Christmas?
(CHUCKLES) No.
I wanted to be with you.
Ohhh...
I wanted to be with my family.
Oh, honey.
Wouldn't it have been easier to just
apologize to Crannis? (CHUCKLING) No.
Just because it's Christmas, it
doesn't mean I'm a different guy.
(LAUGHS) Oh, honey, I got news for
you, you are a different guy.
You opened your home
to all those neighbors.
Most of whom don't even like you.
Hmm.
And now, because of Christmas,
they get to see the great
guy I see all year round.
All because of
a stupid wise man.
(CHUCKLING)
What?
You said "stupid wise man." Oh.
God help us, every one.
Oh, mistletoe?
Close enough.
Hey, everybody, it's snowing.
And Crannis just
threw up on the tree.
(SINGING WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS)
CHERYL: Mmm.