Jim, I need you to
go to the store
and pick up these
things for me.
Honey, I can't
right now. I'm...
I'm playing with the kids.
Oh, really?
Mmm-hmm.
And what are you playing?
We're playing this game called...
Sleeping...
Give me that.
No, hold it.
Hold it, hold it. No way.
I don't go down
that aisle, honey.
If those things
really have wings,
let them fly to the
house on their own.
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, baby!
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Oh! Jim.
For God's sakes, let him in.
No, no, no.
Not yet. Not yet.
Another seconds
and we get free pizza.
Jim, you do this every time.
You know if we don't pay him, it
comes right out of Ronnie's pocket.
Don't you ever get tired of
caring for other people?
Besides, it's built
into their overhead.
It's like hotels.
They expect you to
steal towels and TVs.
Hey, Ronnie, come on in.
Hey! You know
what time it is?
I got quarter to...
Free!
Okay, it's free.
I don't care.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What kind of game is that?
That's not our game.
The game is, I say I
want the pizza free,
and you give me a dirty look and
thr*aten to pee in the bushes.
That's the fun stuff.
I don't really feel like it.
What's the matter?
Just got in a big fight
with my old man.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, he wants me
to go to college,
and I don't want to go.
Oh, well.
No big deal.
But we're barely speaking.
Yeah, that happens, you know.
He's closing the pizzeria.
What?
He figures why bust his hump
if he doesn't have to
pay tuition, so...
You gotta stop him.
I mean, my family moved into this
neighborhood for two reasons,
great schools
and Speedy Tony's Pizzeria.
Personally, I don't
care about the schools.
Ronnie, why don't you
want to go to college?
I want to be a
stand-up comic.
Oh, yikes!
Jim.
No, no, no, no.
That's great.
There's a big shortage of them.
Hey, hey, hey. You know what
I always thought was funny?
What if dogs could talk?
I mean, what would they say?
(LAUGHING) You can have that.
Thanks.
I married her for her looks.
I married him for his money.
I win!
(LAUGHING)
Okay, Ronnie, here you go.
I hope things work out. Thanks.
Yeah.
Bye, Ronnie.
Goodbye.
And if you want to catch my act,
I'm at Monty's Comedy Cave
every Friday night.
Oh, that sounds great.
I'll give you directions.
Oh, no. That's all right.
It's a cave, people
are laughing.
We'll find it.
Okay. Good night.
Good night.
(EXCLAIMS) It is so sad, isn't it?
Yeah.
I mean, what's going on
between Ronnie and his dad.
Oh, yeah.
Fathers and sons.
What are you gonna do?
Well, I think you could relate,
considering what happened
between you and your dad.
Oh, my God, Cheryl.
Why does everything have to
be about something else?
Believe it or not, sometimes
a father can walk out
on his -year-old son
and the kid is okay with it.
Okay, Jim.
Okay.
Hey, why don't we stuff our
feelings with some pizza?
Okay, girls!
What do you love more than anything?
GIRLS: Pizza!
What kind of pizza?
Free pizza!
Free pizza!
ANDY: Okay, that's
more test pizzas.
Got Ugolini's, Adello's,
and Crust of the Earth.
"Crust of the Earth"?
Sounds healthy.
Yeah. Tofu toppings.
Toss it.
No, you...
Are you telling me, Jim,
that not one of these pizzas
is as good as Speedy Tony's?
That's exactly
what I'm telling you.
I like this one, Daddy.
Me, too.
What do you guys know?
You eat your own boogers.
This is terrible!
All of a sudden you have
a sensitive palate?
I've seen you eat a
jar of mayonnaise.
That was Miracle Whip,
and I won bucks.
CHERYL: Oh, yeah.
And diarrhea for a
week and a half.
(BOTH GIGGLING)
(CHUCKLING) I love that you
share our family things...
I don't think
this is fair at all.
Why should I have to suffer
because Ronnie and his father
can't work things out?
This is just like that
movie Billy Elliot.
Remember? Where the
kid wants to dance
and the father's against it?
Didn't anyone see it?
I saw Stuart Little.
I saw Snow Dogs.
I saw Stuart Little
and Snow Dogs.
Hey, Tony?
That's me.
For here or to go?
Well, I'll take a large to go
and I'll have a medium
while I'm waiting.
It's a nice place
you got here, Tony.
Word on the street is
that you're closing.
Where'd you hear that?
On the street.
No, actually I heard it
from your son, Ronnie.
You know my Ronnie?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know Ronnie.
He's a good kid.
Hey, Tony, I gotta tell you,
I really love your pizza.
I mean, it just fills
my heart with joy,
and probably a lot of other
bad stuff, but it's worth it.
I just want to know,
what can I do
to help you keep
this place open?
You can get my kid
to go to college.
But he doesn't want
to go to college.
He wants to be
a stand-up comic.
Stand-up comic!
(SPITS)
I didn't really spit on the dough just then.
You know... (SPITS)
Well, if that's
your secret, feel free.
Now, Ronnie needs an education.
First, you pay the rent,
then you throw your life away.
In that order.
But maybe Ronnie can pay the
rent being a stand-up comic.
You don't know.
He could be really good.
Have you ever seen him perform?
No, and I'm not going to.
Now, what do you
want on your pie?
All right, all right.
Uh, I want it layered.
I want crust,
sauce, pepperoni,
cheese, pepperoni...
BOTH: ...cheese,
sauce,
cheese, bacon, cheese.
(EXCLAIMS IN ITALIAN)
You're Maple Street.
You single-handedly paid
for my above-ground pool.
Ira, Juan.
Maple Street is here.
Well, you know.
You honor us by coming here.
(CHUCKLING) I do, huh?
Well, you know what?
You could honor me.
By going to see your son
perform on Friday night.
I'm sorry.
Friday night's my busiest night.
Oh. Really?
So, your pool.
Must be refreshing
after a full day
working behind that oven, huh?
Curse you, Maple Street.
I'll be there.
(SPITS)
Did... That time, I did spit.
Give it up for Jeffrey Egan and
his good pal Woody McNasty.
They were good.
All right, now, a
comic who tells us
he's not from the upper crust,
he's from the pizza crust.
Give a warm welcome to
pizza boy Ronnie Butera!
Butera!
If he does a joke about a
talking dog, he got it from me.
(LAUGHING) That's funny!
I always wondered what they
would say if they could talk.
That's the beauty!
Everybody does.
No. Nobody does.
Hey, hey!
JIM: Ronnie!
RONNIE: Hey,
how you doing?
My name's Ronnie, and I
deliver pizzas for a living.
Oh, you may not be
happy to see me now,
but when you're
hungry after sex,
I'm Santa Claus and
it's Christmas morning.
(LAUGHING LOUDLY)
You've been there, right?
Okay. Well, what's the
deal with pizza, anyway?
I mean, it's
shaped like a circle,
you eat it in triangles
, box is square.
I mean, am I having a meal
here or a geometry lesson?
(AUDIENCE CHATTERING)
Then do me a favor, will you?
Just because you
order Canadian bacon,
don't try paying
with Canadian money.
You see, that's funny because
that money's worthless. You see?
One final thought.
Crazy bread...
Not so crazy.
(MAN COUGHING)
Okay. Well, you've been awesome.
Thank you very much.
Peace out, Chicago!
Oh, boy!
(SIGHING) Okay, let's
get out of here
before I forget how to laugh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hold it now. Hold it now.
Where do you think
you're going?
I'm late.
I got a date with your mother.
(ALL LAUGHING)
My mother died
three years ago, man.
Oh.
Okay! Now, our next performer
thinks that a basket of fruit
plus a chainsaw equals funny.
Please welcome
the great Kangane!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
(CHAINSAW REVVING)
So, that was nice, huh?
It was embarrassing.
Nobody laughed.
My drink
cost $ . .
Come on, will you
give the kid a break?
Drinks are $ . ?
God, I had two of them!
Hey, Pop.
Sorry you came on
such a rough night.
Oh, yeah.
That audience was really bad.
Hey, Ronnie, let me ask you.
Do we get reimbursed for our
drinks 'cause we're your guests?
So, what did you think?
I think if you don't
go to college,
you're gonna end up a
bum on the street.
Then I'll be a bum!
Okay. Okay!
Let's relax here.
Okay, you guys?
Sit down and talk about this.
See? He's not
even my father
and he's more supportive
of me than you are!
Then go and live with him!
Oh, no. No, no.
Not family. Not family.
Just a customer.
Hey, where you going?
You gotta talk to this boy.
He's a bum!
Well, you're a jerk!
Send me a postcard
from Bumville!
Why don't you send me
a postcard
from the place
where jerks live?
Jerktown, or Jerkville,
or New Jerky,
or Jerkopolis.
This is the worst
night of my life.
Well...
See you.
You gonna be okay?
Oh, yeah. Hey, man,
I could sleep in my car.
You can't sleep in your car.
Why don't you come
and stay with us?
Thanks.
We'd like to go now.
Wow. What
a night, huh?
CHERYL: Honey?
Yeah.
Did you invite anybody
else to live with us
while I was in the shower?
Well, he's a good kid!
I like the boy.
Too bad his father's
being such a pig head.
(EXCLAIMS) Jim, maybe he's just
looking out for his son's future.
Why are you taking Tony's side?
Why don't the two of you
just move in together,
and you can swim naked all day
long in his above-ground pool?
Why am I always swimming naked
with people who don't
agree with you?
That's a question you're gonna
have to ask yourself, Cheryl.
You know, Jim, it is so nice of
you to let Ronnie stay here,
but he's really gonna have
to call his father tomorrow
and work this thing out.
Wrong!
We're not making a move
until he calls us.
Wow! You're really
passionate about this.
I think you may be getting
caught up in the romance
of having a pizza boy
staying in the house.
Cheryl.
Your grandmother stayed
here for a month
and I didn't complain once.
(CHUCKLING) Please!
You did nothing but complain.
Okay, then. I think it's time
you be the better person.
I can't believe
Ronnie's still here.
Why? You don't have a pizza
boy living at your house?
He's not living here.
Well, what do you call someone
who's around all the time,
acts like it's their house,
and eats your food?
You.
All I'm saying is, next time
we invite a houseguest,
I would like to be consulted.
Come on, Andy, let's go
watch the Wheel.
We can't.
Yeah. Ronnie
"No College"
is in there watching something
on The Learning Channel.
Well, fine.
We're just gonna have to go watch
in Jim and Cheryl's room.
This is so inconvenient.
See, Jim?
It's not just me.
Ronnie's been here a week.
What's the plan?
I told you.
We're waiting for
his old man to call.
That's your plan?
In broad strokes.
Jim, what if Tony never calls?
What if it's like
you and your dad,
and they never speak again?
Cheryl, if his father's not
going to be there for him,
then to hell with him.
My father wasn't there for
me, and I'm okay with it.
What are you yelling at me for?
I'm not yelling.
This is just the way I talk.
You're talking awful loud!
I'm not talking loud, I'm
just making a point!
What point?
I'll tell you the point.
This is the point!
The point is, of this...
I don't want to talk
about it anymore!
Fine. This conversation is over.
Damn right it is.
Ah!
Criminy.
All I'm saying is...
Wait. What?
I thought it was over.
I know, I know,
I know, but, honey...
Cheryl!
Think how different your
life would have been
if you'd had a chance to talk
to your father after he'd left.
Cheryl, this has nothing
to do with my father.
You're right.
It doesn't.
Thank you.
So, stop trying to work out
your unfinished
business with this kid.
Look, Jim, you may not be
able to be with your dad,
but that doesn't mean Ronnie
shouldn't be with his.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
He needs to go home.
ANDY: (CHUCKLES)
Cheryl!
If you're gonna buy
the low-fat chips,
at least put a different
clip on the bag.
I almost ate these things.
(CLEARS THROAT) Hey, Ronnie.
Hey. Do you want me
to get out of your chair?
No, no, no. That's cool.
That's cool.
Yeah, get out of my chair.
Uh, look.
I've been thinking,
and I think we need
to reevaluate our plan.
You don't want me
to trim the hedges?
No, that part of
the plan is solid.
Uh...
I'm talking about, you know,
waiting for your dad to call.
I want to change that plan.
But you said
we were never giving in.
I know I said that, but...
I think you should
make the first move.
Call your dad.
(SCOFFS) Why?
So he can call me a bum again?
You know what?
You could go to college
and do stand-up
comedy on the side.
College is for people who don't
know what they want to do.
I know what I want.
I know. But it's not all
about studying and classes.
Actually, if you do it right,
it's more about beer and women
and running naked
through the quad.
What's a quad?
I really don't know,
but apparently I ran
naked through it.
Look, you know, I
love having you here.
I really do.
Especially the first few days.
But, you know, it's not my
place to take care of you.
Come on.
Call your dad.
Go ahead.
(EXHALES) Come here.
What?
Aw!
Hey, honey.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hey, how did it go?
He hung up on me.
What?
Oh, I hope Jim's all right.
My father's kind of a hothead.
One time he threw a
salami at a customer.
Oh, that's nothing.
Jim once punched a cow.
(DOORBELL RINGS) What?
Oh, what is this?
What did you do?
Well, Ronnie's father
wouldn't talk to me,
so I stole Speedy Tony.
If he wants it back,
he's gotta go through me.
Jim...
Woman,
be quiet.
This is street justice.
Cool, huh?
I got a hostage.
Jim, this is a fiberglass toy.
I'm the hostage.
(SCOFFS)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Okay, that's him.
Chill. Chill!
I want my Speedy Tony back!
I want you to talk to your son.
I'll call the police!
Well, you go ahead.
You call the police.
Tell them I stole Speedy Tony,
and I'll tell them you
hung up on your son.
The police aren't gonna care
that I hung up on my son.
Wait a minute.
Your kid's been here a week
and all you care about
is a stupid statue?
Please, Mrs.
Maple, stay out of this!
Don't talk to my
wife like that!
Now, come on.
Talk to your son.
Forget it, Jim.
It's not worth it.
You know what?
I don't need this!
Hey, hey, hey!
Don't you even think about it!
Now you walk out on
your son right now,
you won't forgive yourself
the rest of your life.
And if you, you let this
jackass go right now,
you're as big of a
jackass as he is!
And you know what's going
to happen one day?
One day, years from now,
Ronnie is gonna be happily
married with three children
and you're gonna call him
up outta the blue and say,
"Hey, it's
your father."
And you know what
you're gonna do?
Because you're so
pissed off and hurt?
You're gonna hang up on him.
And trust me, you're
gonna regret it.
Because you're not gonna
know where he is,
you always wonder
what happened to him,
whether he's alive
or he's dead.
Well, at least you'll
have your stupid statue.
So?
So?
I got some ice cream at home.
You want some?
I don't know.
Yeah.
Is it all right if I
come back with my truck
to pick the statue up?
Yeah.
(SIGHS)
I wonder how different
my life would have been
if I'd just married you.
All right, Speedy Tony,
I don't want you here.
(GRUNTS)
(EXCLAIMING)
Ooh, that is a Speedy
Tony's Belly-Buster, right?
I could smell it coming
up the driveway!
Ronnie brought it by.
It's on the house.
Oh, wow. Oh!
Aw!
Look at that.
"Thank you, ," in pepperoni.
You know, I should take
a picture of this.
Yeah.
Nah. I'll remember.
Mmm!
Um, honey?
Listen, I was on
the computer today
and I found this Web site...
That was not me.
I'm not into that kind of thing, honey.
You know, Andy's got access
to that computer, too,
and he's a freak.
No, no, no, no. Jim!
No. It's an Internet
site that finds people,
and I found this.
What is this?
It's your dad's phone number.
You know, he lives in Arizona.
Cheryl...
Jim, you don't have to
do anything with it
if you don't
want to. I just...
You know.
I just thought
you should have it.
Girls, dinner!
RUBY: We can't.
CHERYL: What?
RUBY: The couch is
eating my leg.
CHERYL: (EXCLAIMING) Oh, no!
(GIRLS GIGGLING) CHERYL:
Oh, what are we gonna do?
RUBY: Save me,
Mommy. Save me!
(GIRLS CHATTERING)
GIRLS: Pizza!
I want pizza, Daddy. Okay.
We got pizza right here.
Here we go.
(GIRLS CHATTERING)
No, this half is mine.
Half is mine.
I want a big piece.
All right. Is that
big enough for you?
Yeah.
Oh, boy!
Oh, honey, do you think
you can finish that?
Big piece.
Big mouths get big pieces.
Oh, then I need
a little, tiny one.
(LAUGHING) No!
Yeah.
(ALL LAUGHING)
So, I'm giving my dog a
bath the other day,
and I thought, "What would my
dog say if he could talk?"
I think it might go a little something...
Something like this.
(IN DEEP VOICE) Hey!
What's this? A bath?
Hey! I finally get a good stink going
and now you're hosing me down!
It's not fair, I tell you!
(LAUGHING) Yeah! You know
what I'm talking about.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)