JIM: Mmm.
Honey, use your fork.
Thank you. You see,
now you're a lady.
(PHONE RINGING)
(EXCLAIMS IN
IRRITATION)
Hello?
No, the lady of the house
is busy right now.
And you know, I don't really
appreciate you making
these calls during dinner time.
What? No, I'm not being rude.
No, this is rude!
This too!
Thank you, honey, I just
hate getting those calls.
Me too.
Call your sister after dinner.
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, baby!
Hey! Hey.
Check out our new toaster oven.
Pretty swanky, huh?
Now we can throw out
that old piece of junk.
Jeez, one electrical fire,
you turn on the thing?
Oh, honey.
It's chrome and stainless steel.
Doesn't it look clean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, let's see
if it's up for the tuna-melt challenge.
No, no, no, no.
You can't use it!
Hey, Cheryl, ready to go?
Oh, yeah, let me get my purse.
Where you going?
Oh, we are going
car shopping for me.
Hey! Did you decide
what kind you want?
Yes, a blue one!
(GASPS)
Wait, the two of you
are going car shopping?
Just the two of you?
Yeah.
(LAUGHING)
What?
There's three things that
women should never do alone.
Work on their cars, walk to
their cars and most important,
buy a car.
Yeah, what about washing cars?
Can we still do that?
Oh, yeah, you put on that
wet T-shirt, get all soapy.
Listen, I'm not one to make
broad sweeping statements.
(CLEARS THROAT)
But women should never
buy their own car.
Why, Jim?
I'm so glad you asked.
Because they get distracted
by the little things,
llike the cup holders or the make-up mirror.
"Oh, with the lights!"
Where does he come up
with these ridiculous...
Oh, my God!
Is that the new toaster?
Yes!
Oh!
See? Right there!
Distracted.
Now, you act like
that in a dealership,
and you're going
to get ripped off.
Oh, please... Do you
remember the car
I had when we were
first dating?
I got a great deal on that car
by myself without
help from any man.
Didn't Dad go with
you to buy that car?
No.
I could've sworn he
said he went with you.
Well, he's dead now, so
it's his word against mine.
Cheryl,
Cheryl, no offense, but
if you dug up your dad,
propped him up in a dealership,
he'd still get
a better deal than you!
Okay, well, I'm
going to show you.
I'm going to take
Dana down there
and we're going
to get a great deal.
Yeah!
(STAMMERING) And we
won't get "distracted."
No.
(DOOR CLOSING)
(HARMONICA PLAYING)
Daddy, play with us.
Oh, sure!
Hey, you know what I liked
doing when I was a kid?
Jumping in a big
pile of leaves.
Can we do it?
Sure, sure.
Uh, the rake's in the garage.
GIRLS: Yay!
You know, honey, could you
help me out with something?
I'm confused.
Um, this looks like the
car I helped Dana buy.
Um, is that it?
Yeah.
Well, I don't understand that because the
car that Dana got was $ less, now,
am I reading that wrong or did I get
Dana the best damn deal in town?
Now, no, you are
reading that wrong.
That number's in pesos.
(CLICKING TONGUE) Oh!
Come on, why can't you
just admit it, that...
That I, a woman,
got Dana a great deal,
even though I'm not you, a man.
For the love of God,
enough with this!
(SIGHS)
Do I gloat when I'm right
about stuff all the time?
You gloat when you beat
Gracie at Candyland.
That is different, Cheryl.
Gracie was ahead of me
in an Ice Cream Sea, right?
And I was lost
in Lollipop Woods.
Everybody had written me off.
Two cards later, I'm sitting
pretty in Candy Castle.
That's not gloating,
honey. That's winning.
Hey!
Hey, guess what?
Dana's brand new
car broke down.
(EXCLAIMING) What
is wrong with you?
I told you not to say
anything in front of Jim!
Then, the next time I'm rocking out
to Skynyrd, don't harsh my groove.
(STAMMERING) Wait, how
can your car break down?
We just got it a week ago.
I know, and now it's going to be in
the shop for God knows how long!
And a loaner car isn't
part of my deal.
Oh! A loaner car is not
part of your deal! Oh!
Wow, Dana, I'd really
be chapped at the person
that helped me make
that crappy deal.
Hello!
All right, Dana, that's it. We're going down there.
We're getting you a loaner.
And I am going to raise hell!
(LAUGHING)
Whoa! Cheryl.
Okay, you're not going
to give them hell.
You could give them heck.
You could give
them, "Oh, darn."
Or maybe you'll
give them the dickens!
But you're not going
to give them hell.
Oh, I see, so you're the only
one who can make a big scene?
Well, there's me and Sinatra,
but now it's just me.
Hey, he's tough.
Remember when that Girl Scout
shorted me a box of Tagalongs?
(CHUCKLES) She won't
do that ever again.
That's right.
Maybe you should do it.
I mean, you're perfect for this.
You're a horrible,
horrible man.
Well, thank you, Dana.
But far be it from me to step on the
toes of Cheryl's little project.
Unless Cheryl, a woman,
would ask me, a man, for...
Oh, all right,
you do it, you big...
Oh, look out! Look out! Dope!
Oh, she's giving
me the dickens!
Daddy, we're done.
Can we jump in the pile of leaves now?
Did you, uh, do the front lawn?
No.
Well, that's no fun.
(EXCLAIMING)
Oh, man!
What a spread!
Yeah.
You should see
the Lexus dealership.
On Sundays, they have
an omelet station.
I'm thinking of taking Cheryl
there for Mother's Day.
(LAUGHS)
So, uh, how're we
gonna play this?
I'm gonna make a big stink and then
we're out of here with Dana's loaner.
Ah! The old stink and dash.
Classic.
Hey, hey, can I help?
Sure, just keep
it subtle, okay?
Hi, I'm Bill.
Is there anything I can
go ahead and show you?
Sure, Bill, you can
show me an America
where people still
believe in quality.
What's this about quality?
I'm interested.
Well, it seems that my sister-in-law
bought a car here last week
and it's already in the shop and this
dealership won't give her a loaner.
Well, perhaps this eccentric billionaire
has come to the wrong dealership.
What kind of business
are you running here, huh?
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) Please
keep your voice down.
I'll keep my voice down once you
give my sister-in-law a loaner.
Okay, okay, I'm going to go
ahead and get the manager.
Bill, you go ahead and do that.
(CHUCKLING) How about that?
I've officially moved from
obnoxious to frightening.
You should live under a bridge
and thr*aten billy goats.
(BOTH LAUGH)
That was just a warm-up.
Wait till you see me with the manager.
Hi, I'm Gretchen Saunders,
the manager.
Bill tells me you'd
like to see me.
Did you wanna buy a car?
(IN HIGH VOICE)
Uh-huh.
(HIP HOP MUSIC BLARING)
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God!
Jim, you did it.
This is a great loaner. Thank you!
Dana, it's better than
the car you bought!
I know!
Where's the minivan?
Oh, that?
Oh, that's not here.
Yes, I can see that,
Jim. Where is it?
Oh, I, uh, traded the minivan in and
got you this little beauty here.
You're welcome.
What?
Yeah, I dealt directly
with the manager.
You know, honey, that's
the only way to go.
College girls were pointing
at us at red lights
and not laughing.
Wait a minute,
so this isn't my car?
Where's my loaner?
I don't know. What, do you want
me to cut your meat for you too?
Hey, Cheryl,
Cheryl, you know, I was thinking about
getting a leather bra for the front.
Then I thought to myself, nah, let's
just let the headlights hang out.
Oh, my God!
Jim, can I...
Can I talk to you inside?
Sure.
Great. So, he gets a new
car and I get nothing.
(MOCKINGLY) Oh,
look at me, I'm Dana.
I haven't had a car
for two whole days.
Oh, poor me.
Me, me, me, me, me.
(GRUNTS)
(CHEERING)
Jim, I...
Hold it.
(SIGHS)
(CAR LOCK BEEPING)
(STAMMERING) I don't even know what to say.
I am speechless.
You say that, but I know
there's more coming.
How would you feel if I took your truck
and traded it without asking you?
Don't change the
subject on me, Cheryl.
This is not about my truck.
You're jumping all over the
place, I can't follow you.
I drive a carpool.
How am I supposed to fit all
those kids in that tiny car?
Oh, those kids are
like two feet tall.
How much room do they need?
All right, we agreed to make all
our major decisions together.
That's why Ruby and Gracie
aren't named Sayers and Piccolo.
Those are fine American names.
Come on, besides, you wanted
to replace that minivan.
Yes, honey,
with another minivan.
Oh, you're so old-fashioned. Oh!
Come on! You got to learn
to think outside the box.
Cheryl, haven't you ever gotten just
spontaneous and just bought something
because it felt good?
Yes! And when I do it, I come home
with a bag of pre-cut lettuce.
(GASPING)
I thought you did that by hand!
Oh, come on, honey.
This is a great family car.
Yes, that's true, honey,
for a family of clowns!
Cheryl?
Jim?
I work hard, I put
a roof over our head,
I'm a great lover,
we're keeping the car.
(EXCLAIMS
IN FRUSTRATION)
(GIRLS CHEERING)
(DANA GRUNTING)
All right, Dana,
get off Andy's head.
All right, one thing is going
to get done right today.
We're going to go down there.
We're going to get you a loaner.
I am ready, my blood is up!
(PANTING) Me too, I am pumped.
Yeah!
Just so you know, punching
a man in the adam's apple
is dirty pool.
Not now, Andy,
we're not in the mood.
(MOCKINGLY) Well, look at me!
I'm Cheryl,
I'm the older sister,
so I boss everyone around.
Boss, boss, boss, boss, boss.
(CHEERING)
Oh, there he is.
He doesn't know we're about
to rip him a new one.
(EXHALING FORCEFULLY)
Let's get all up
in his business.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, you.
Yes?
I bought a car from you and you
wouldn't give me a loaner?
(CLICKS TONGUE) Now you're
gonna wish you had.
Tear it up, Cheryl.
He is going down.
(SIGHS) So, Bill,
do you think, maybe, when you
have time, you could, maybe,
get the manager out here?
Please? Could you?
I'll do what I can.
Hey, thank you so much.
Thanks. Don't go out of your way.
Thank you.
Wow, I wouldn't want to run into
you in a bright sunny alley.
Oh, whoo! Oh, no.
Cheryl, this isn't
going to work.
Can I just borrow your
new car for a few days?
Would you stop calling it my car?
I'm not keeping it.
Well, what about Jim?
Don't worry about Jim.
After a week of making him drive carpool,
he'll drive that thing off a cliff.
Wait a minute,
I'm picturing it.
Mmm, nice.
You know, I just don't know what
Jim was thinking buying that car!
(LAUGHS)
Hi, I'm Gretchen
Saunders, the manager.
Well, at least I know
what he was thinking with.
(SIGHING) You...
You are gorgeous.
Absolutely stunning.
Yeah.
Um, I'm sorry, I'm straight.
Oh, um...
(MOUTHING)
Hey!
Hey!
Where are the kids?
Kyle's with Dana and the girls are
having dinner at the O'Conners.
Oh, nice people, Fred and Mary.
Mike and Laura.
Right.
Hey, you know, I told the O'Conners
what a great deal you got
and they wanted to know who you
talked to at the dealership.
Do you remember his name?
Uh... You know,
I remember the face,
but the name escapes me.
Oh, what did he look like?
(STAMMERING) He was
vaguely Germanic...
Germanic?
Uh, yeah, with a dash of a
Latino/Chinese kind of mix, you know...
Great, well, that narrows it down to, what?
Three billion people?
Well, you know, he had a
mustache, if that helps you out.
You know, I think I'll just
go down with the O'Conners
and we'll track him
down on our own.
Phil! That's it, Phil.
Phil?
Yeah.
(LAUGHING) But,
you know, the problem is
guy got fired.
Yeah. For giving me such
a great deal on the car.
Poor Phil.
Phil, well, so that's
a pretty common name
for a
German-Latino-Chinese guy.
Well, you know, honey, that's
why they come to this country.
We don't judge.
Right.
Hey, that reminds me, I'm going to put
the flag out on the steps over here.
Okay, honey. Jim?
I happen to know the
manager's name is Gretchen.
(GASPS)
(GRUNTS)
So what?
I bought a car from
a guy named Gretchen.
I know, honey.
Dana and I went down there today,
so I happen to know that Gretchen
is a leggy, gorgeous woman
and you bought that car
because you got distracted.
I...
After you sat right here,
so smug, and told me
women get distracted.
Absolutely not.
(LAUGHING)
Fine, fine, I will admit that she
was a very attractive woman.
Oh!
But I did not get distracted.
I bought that car because she
was a finely crafted machine.
You refer to cars
as a she, you see.
Yes.
But then, you know
all about that car.
Yeah! From stem to stern.
Yeah. Okay. Well...
Although that's a boating term.
Oh, yeah.
Um, so, honey, what's the cubic
displacement of the engine?
Huh?
That's very close.
cc's.
What about the suspension?
Well, I didn't exactly...
A modified MacPherson
strut system
with gas-charged
Bilstein monotube dampers.
Huh.
Yeah, that's right.
Right.
You know what,
I think you're just mad.
You're mad because a very attractive
woman who smelled like flowers
saw a man that shared
her interest in cars.
Oh, God!
Yeah.
What she saw was a great big
cartoon dollar sign with feet.
(LAUGHS) What...
Honey, she played you.
Oh, I was in complete
control, babe...
You got played.
I did not get played...
You did so!
I never get played.
Oh, come on!
Drop it, drop it, drop it, drop it.
Okay, dropped!
(SIGHING)
Oh, God!
What?
You know how, um,
sometimes when we argue you say
that you get a little frisky?
Well, I don't use that word.
But, yes.
I...
I think it's happening
to me right now.
(SIGHING) Oh, I'm just
so attracted to you.
Is that weird?
You're only human, honey.
Well, evidently.
You know, honey, we're all alone in this house.
What do you say we
use this time
creatively.
Yes!
Oh, and honey...
Yeah, baby?
Played! You got played!
(LAUGHING)
I don't need you.
Hey, hey, I just saw your old minivan.
They haven't sold it yet.
(SIGHS) Great. All right, let's just talk
to Gretchen and get this thing over with.
Okay, hey, but just remember,
don't look directly at her,
or you'll get sucked
into her beauty vortex.
Right. What happens if
she adjusts her bra strap
or does something
sexy like that?
Hmm, yeah.
Okay, how about this?
Whatever she does,
I'll do the same
and we'll cancel
each other out.
You know, Andy, I don't...
Here she comes.
Avert your eyes, avert your eyes!
So, Jim, how you doing
with that convertible?
Well, Gretchen, uh,
it's a great car.
(STAMMERING) I just think it might be,
you know, a little too small for me.
Oh, come on, a trim
fit guy like you?
I do work out.
(LAUGHS)
Uh, Gretchen,
the problem is, I don't think the
convertible is really right for me,
because I have a...
A wife and three kids and I just got
to have that minivan back, Gretchen.
Well, I'm sorry, Jim, but I'm
not authorized to do that.
Is there like an owner here
that I could speak to?
Yeah, Mike's here today.
Oh, Mike, that's great!
Mike's a guy's name.
That's, that's great.
Why don't you get Mike out here?
Okay.
Thank you.
Would you like a burger
with those fries?
What?
Oh, it's a saying on
how sexy she walks.
No, the saying is, "I'd like
some fries with that shake."
Why would you have fries and a shake, no burger?
That doesn't make any sense.
Andy, that's the saying!
That's the saying, "Fries with that shake."
Oh!
So, I paged the owner and he'll
be right with you, all right?
Thank you so much.
(MOANING) Oh!
Oh, God, oh, God!
(BOTH MOANING)
You did it!
You overcame your weakness of
flesh and emerged victorious.
Yes! And you split your
pants picking up your keys.
Hi, I'm Mike Ditka.
Gretchen said you
wanted to see me.
Want to buy a car?
(IN HIGH VOICE) Uh-huh.
One purple, two purple,
Candy Castle. We did it!
(GIRLS CHEERING) No!
I can't believe it.
You weren't into it!
You're not hungry!
I'm hungry, coach.
You're always hungry.
You're my kind of guy.
Thanks, coach.
(MOCKINGLY) Well, look at me!
I'm Mike Ditka.
I can yell at anyone I want
'cause I coach the Bears.
Bears, Bears, Bears,
Bears, Bears...
Here's your Bears!