Oh!
Good morning.
Hey, I think the kids
are still sleeping.
What do you say we have
a little breakfast in bed?
[Sniffing]
you smell so good.
Oh, hey, honey,
I didn't know you were up.
Do you want cereal
or eggs?
Uh...both.
Okay.
Uh...
Excuse me.
We didn't, uh...
You know...
Good!
Hah!
Oh, baby.
Hey, ruby,
I gotta tell you,
That soccer game
was great!
Wasn't it, andy?
Oh, great.
Yeah, wasn't it
great, cheryl?
The game was great.
Was I good?
All: great!
Hey, let me ask you something,
though, here, champ.
How come you hugged
the other team's goalie
After your team scored?
She looked sad.
Aw. Sweetie, why don't you
go wash up for lunch.
Aw, that was so sweet.
Yeah, it was.
She sucks.
Honey.
It's not about that.
It's about her having fun
And hanging out
with her friends.
That's what sports
are all about.
That's what tea parties
are all about.
Sports is about life.
There's a winner,
there's a loser,
And at some point,
they cut off the beer.
This is our daughter
you're talking about.
I know,
and she really sucks.
I mean,
come on, honey,
The way she acts
on that soccer field
Is the way she's gonna act
the rest of her life.
Oh, my god. You mean,
she's gonna go through life
hugging people?
If we don't nip it
in the bud!
Wow, what a soccer game!
Ruby, you were great!
She's upstairs, dana.
Okay. She sucks.
Hey...
Who was your date
at the soccer game?
He was so cute.
Cheryl,
his name is ted,
And he's a client
at our ad agency.
Good, 'cause he was
way too old for you.
And I am dating him.
Well, good
for you, dana.
Tell me, what's
it like eating
dinner at : ?
Ha ha ha ha.
Does viagra
make a difference?
Come on,
you guys.
Thank you, cheryl.
And, yes, it does.
Anyway...
Ted thinks
ruby has the perfect look
For this cookie ad
we're doing,
And he'd really
like to use her.
You know, if it's all right
with you guys.
"The perfect look."
Oh, boy, does that
take me back.
[High-pitched voice]
one size fits all.
Remember?
I was eight years old
when I did that commercial.
I had on snow pants
and a derby.
Oh, come on, you guys.
The guy says,
"Regal snow pants,
the snow pants for kings."
Then I say...
[High-pitched voice]
one size fits all.
It ran for, like,
six months. You gotta--
[High-pitched voice]
one size fits all.
One size fits all.
So, what do you
think, cheryl?
Ruby's picture
will be in the paper.
I don't know. I don't want
ruby to get the message
That her value
is based on her looks.
Oh, well, you had
no problem entering me
In the "most handsome
dad" contest
At ruby's school.
Yeah, that was a disaster,
and I was wrong.
You knoq, dana,
I really don't think
I want her to do it.
You know, I kinda gotta
go along with cheryl
on this one.
It pays $ , .
She'll do it.
What?
Come on, cheryl,
all she has to do
Is eat cookies
and smile.
Ruby'll have fun,
I'll score
big points at work,
And it'll make ted
very happy.
Yeah, and he only has
so much time left.
I am so terrible.
Cheryl, come on,
Ruby has been
leeching off us
for six years.
Honey.
The night light
alone!
Oh, all right, but...
The money goes right
into her college fund,
She doesn't miss any school,
And this is a one-time thing.
Absolutely.
This is so exciting.
How many people can say
They actually have a model
in the family?
Hello!
Ruby, you ready?
Now just look
into the camera,
Dip the cookie
into the milk,
Take a big bite,
and smile.
Good--perfect.
Hi.
Hi, I'm jim.
I'm ruby's father.
Where do I go
to validate this?
Jim, you're right
in ruby's sightline.
She's working.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Hey, you're
the photographer?
Yeah.
Let me ask you,
do I have a good neck?
Because...
Some guy once told me
that I'd be a good neck model.
Maybe. Get these chins out
of the way. Let's have a look.
Hey.
You know,
I have to tell you,
Your ruby is
a natural at this.
She's very
photogenic.
That's because
of her big head.
She gets that from me.
Have you thought
about getting an agent?
Yeah, but, you know,
I really don't want
to do nudity.
But, of course,
every man has his price.
What, you got a job
in mind, or...
I mean for ruby.
Ruby?
Because we must have
seen girls for this.
? You mean, my ruby
beat out other girls?
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.
You're telling me that
girls lost to my ruby,
Couldn't make the cut,
wasn't good enough.
Yeah, but, jim, we kinda try
not to look at it like that.
Well, yeah.
Did any of them cry?
Where's kyle's belly?
Where's kyle's belly?
Oh! There it is!
Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl!
There it is.
Oh. Mwah!
Good boy.
Mommy, gracie hit me.
Hit her back.
Cheryl! Cheryl,
look.
Oh!
Hot off the presses.
This is ruby's ad.
Aww.
Here it is.
There it is!
There it is.
Look, it's great.
Look at that
big old head, huh?
Aww.
You know what?
The photographer said
she was a natural,
That she could have
a career doing this.
He thought she could
get an agent.
Okay.
Jim, this is exactly
what I was afraid of.
We agreed this was
a one-time thing.
Oh, honey,
that's what you said
The first night
we were together.
You don't stick
to your g*ns.
Oh, yes, I do.
Do you see
a one-man helicopter
in the backyard?
That is not over.
I will fly.
I'm just so excited
for her, honey.
I mean, you know,
You see her
struggling at soccer
and like that,
And then you
see her succeed
at something like this.
I'm just proud of her.
I know you are.
And she had
a great experience.
And now?
And now she goes back
to being a normal kid,
Normal life,
normal house.
It's over.
It's done.
Thank you.
Hey, jim,
guess what?!
Your meeting went great.
Ruby's got an agent.
Boy, I wish I had
that helicopter
right now.
I can't believe you got ruby
an agent behind my back!
Honey,
I had no choice.
You told me
I couldn't do it.
And you...
You're my sister!
I can see you two
have something
to work out,
So I'll just...
Get back here!
I just want you
to know I came back
because I wanted to,
Not because you told me.
Jim, we agreed this was
gonna be a one-time thing.
Look, cheryl,
I don't mean to support jim,
Because I don't,
you know, like him.
Cheryl, I've been doing this
for many years,
And I'm telling you,
ruby was great.
And she loved it.
No, jim, you loved it.
Yes, I did love it.
You know why?
Because she had fun,
she was excited,
She was getting
a lot of praise.
It was really good
for her confidence.
And are we having
cauliflower
for dinner again?
Yes.
That's a whole
other discussion.
Ruby! Ruby! Ruby!
Look at your picture
in the paper.
Wow, I look good.
Yeah.
Did you have fun
eating all
those cookies
And having everybody
love you?
Yeah. Can I do it again?
Well,
it's okay with me.
You're going to have
to ask your mother.
Can i, mommy,
please?
I guess we can try it
for a bit.
Yay!
Yay!
Yay!
Ruby. Ruby.
You don't want
cauliflower
for dinner, do you?
No!
[Mambo playing]
[Turns off stereo]
Hey! I was just, uh...
Relax, jim,
I know you dance
when I'm not home.
You know anything else?
You know, I can't
do this anymore.
Sure you can!
What am I
talking about?
I don't know.
I have just spent
an hour and a half
With
screaming kids.
Do you have any idea
what that's like?
Honey, I try not to
put myself in those
kinds of situations.
Taking ruby
to these auditions
is a nightmare.
Come on, cheryl, you knew
how this business worked
When you got us into it.
It's been a week,
jim.
I've been running
all around,
Dragging gracie
and kyle with me.
I haven't gotten
anything done
around the house,
And ruby hasn't
gotten one job.
She didn't get this one,
either?
No.
It went
to this little girl
With, oh,
the curliest red hair.
She was so cute.
You know, her mother
was telling me--
Her mother?!
Yeah.
You don't talk
to the mothers!
They're the enemy!
Honey,
she wasn't the enemy,
she was nice.
Oh, boy,
she saw you coming.
Oh! There was
no agenda.
We were just talking
while ruby played
With
her little girl.
Played with
her little girl?
Yeah.
You can't have the children
playing together.
This isn't a social event,
cheryl.
This is a competition
where there's one winner.
Come on, cheryl,
You don't see boxers
before a fight
Playing with jacks
and juice boxes!
No! No, they talk trash,
and they beat the crap
out of each other!
That's modeling!
Well, I don't see it
that way.
[Sighs]
I don't think
anybody does.
Well, you see, that's
the problem right there.
That's the problem,
That ruby's just like you.
She-she's a pushover!
I mean, what's gonna happen
with the rest of her life?
She's gonna have tons
of friends and no trophies?!
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
There's nothing wrong
with being nice.
I can see I caught this
just in time...
The kind competitor.
From now on, i...
I...
Will...
Take ruby
to the auditions.
I will prepare her.
I will get her
competitive!
I...
Will get her to win,
not lose!
Win!
You're right, honey.
What was I thinking,
Trying to raise
a well-rounded,
loving human being.
Apology accepted.
Ruby!
Jim, I'm gonna go on in
ahead of you and sign in.
O-kay.
In the ad world,
"signing in" means --
I know
what it means.
Okay, then.
I'm gonna go
into the waiting area.
Okay, come here,
baby.
What's the matter?
You nervous?
No.
Why are your hands cold?
You made me hold
your slurpee.
Okay. All right,
give me a smile.
Good. Good.
Okay, now "mad."
Now "surprised."
Now "incredibly surprised."
Now the smile.
My face hurts,
daddy.
Everybody's face
hurts, honey.
Now, go in there
and get that job.
Wait, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
One thing, one thing.
One thing.
If it helps,
you're / cherokee.
Whoa.
Excuse me,
but weren't you
The regal
snow pants boy?
Yes! Yes, I was.
[High-pitched voice]
one size fits all.
I was the snowflake
earmuff girl,
remember?
Warm and toasty!
No, I'm sorry.
I don't remember that.
Sure you do.
Warm and toasty!
Warm and toasty!
Whoa, whoa, sweetheart,
that's years ago.
Stop living in the past.
[ Jim sighs ]
This place
is packed.
Aw, don't let it
throw you.
I scoped the place out,
And there's only
one kid in here
That poses
a real threat.
Right there--
haley michaels.
She's got an "adidas"
and a "lucky charms"
spot running.
So, that's not good.
Actually, it's great.
She's worked too much.
She's overexposed.
"No, thank you."
So, that's good?
Hard to say--
she is a name.
Get away!
Let me go mess
with her head.
Hey, how you doing?
That's my daughter
over there.
She's auditioning.
Yeah, mine, too.
She's over there.
Yeah, well,
you may recognize
my daughter--
She was in the back
page of the sunday
chicago tribune
In the food section,
eating a cookie.
You know, right next
to the obituaries.
Well, my daughter's
done tv commercials.
Yeah, well,
she's done
tv commercials, too,
And movies.
Yeah, right.
What movie?
It was called
"the wise-ass father
"Who got his ass kicked
in the parking lot
After the audition."
Oh, yeah, is that the one
where the wise-ass father
Turns out to be
an off-duty cop?
So we're cool?
Yeah.
Okay.
And because gia's looks
were so perfect,
They ended up
destroying her.
Hey. Hey, sweetie.
Did you have fun
with daddy?
It was great.
Uncle andy got kicked out
for making a girl cry.
Ohhh.
Oh, honey,
it was really great.
You know what?
I got a great
feeling about this.
They just called.
She didn't get it.
That didn't
last long.
Probably 'cause
she's / cherokee.
God, jim, you didn't
pull that out, did you?
You weren't so high
and mighty about it
When it got us
our % mortgage.
[ Sighs ]
You know what? That's it.
Ruby is not
doing this anymore.
It's too much rejection
for a six-year old.
Oh, honey, come on...
Everybody gets rejected.
That's part of life.
That's a lesson
they have to learn.
You know, I just want
to toughen ruby up
a little bit,
That's all.
What makes you think
she needs toughening up?
Are you kidding, honey?
She's a softie.
I mean, she's always
the last in line
for everything.
She always gets stuck
with the broken crayons.
And at halloween,
you know,
She actually turns
in the money she
collects for unicef.
Kids don't do that.
I just worry about her.
Oh, honey, everybody
worries about
their kids.
No, no, I don't worry
about gracie.
She's like me.
She's tough.
The other day,
I actually saw her
Take a piece of meat
out of the dog's mouth.
Honey, ruby's
not like gracie.
Ruby's sensitive.
She's sweet.
She goes out of her
way to help others.
Yeah, like you.
Yeah, like me.
You know, you said that
the other day.
I mean, when did that
become such a bad thing?
Well...
I mean, it's not a bad thing.
Actually,
it is a great thing.
I mean,
I married that thing.
Yeah, all right.
Okay, I guess I'll go upstairs
And tell her that you're
gonna come upstairs
And tell her that she
didn't get the job.
Jim.
All right, you're right.
I'll have her agent do it.
Hi, daddy.
Gracie...
[ Whining ]
Come on,
go downstairs.
Play with the dog.
And no biting!
Come on out, honey.
Uh! Hey,
you know what?
I got a really
funny joke for you.
Two peanuts were
walking down
the street.
They didn't pick me.
How did you
get there?
You told that joke
when my goldfish died
And when I had
to get a shot.
It's a bad joke.
Well, that's not
one of my best, but...
How come they never
pick me anymore?
Um...
Don't they like me?
[ Sighs ]
Look, I don't
know why they don't
pick you, sweetie,
But I know it's
not because they
don't like you.
You know, i...
You know what?
I wasn't really
having fun with it
anymore,
You know?
I mean, yeah,
It was kinda cool
at first,
the experience,
But there was
no fun.
I mean, were you
having fun?
Were you? Huh?
So, you know what?
Let's not do it
anymore.
I mean, we don't
have to, right?
We don't?
No!
What you and I
should be doing,
We should be having fun.
We should just have fun.
Right?
I want to talk.
Sit still.
Come on, sit still.
How am I going to
talk to you
If you're not
sitting still?
St-a-a-ay still!
Okay, come here.
Tell me...what do
you think is fun?
What do you want
to do that's fun?
Soccer.
[ Sighs ]
Really?
Yeah, but I'm not
very good at it.
No kidding.
Well, what do you find
fun about soccer?
Well, after, my team
goes out for pizza.
Really?!
Wow,
you are like me.
You want some pizza?
Yeah.
Let's go get
some pizza.
Wait a minute.
You know what goes
good with pizza?
No, daddy! No!
You know what
goes good
with pizza?
Body slam!
Body slam!
Oh!
Pile driver!
Oof!
The crusher! Oof!
The scissor!
Oh!
Aah! Ooh!
Ruby, playing soccer good
can be fun.
You just gotta practice.
Now, come on,
just show me how you kick.
No, no, honey.
Honey. Honey.
Let me show you.
Okay, get a good
running start,
And you want to kick it
really hard like that.
You're right, daddy,
this is fun.
Not like that, honey.
Okay.
All right, now try it.
Now, get behind it!
Get behind the ball!
That a girl!
That a girl!
Oh!
Yes! That's my girl,
that's my girl.
Oh!
Ooh!
Aah! Ow!
You can go to bed
in five minutes.
Just k*ll it!
Come on, k*ll it!
Now just really give me
a shot. Come on,
Give it to me, baby!
Give it to me.
You can go to bed now.