Jim, will you tell the girls
to finish their cereal?
We're running late for school.
Girls, finish
your cereal.
We don't like it.
Well, put some sugar
on it.
Okay,
you girls ready to go?
Yeah!
Yeah!
Both: bye, daddy!
Bye, daddy!
Bye, daddy!
Bye, daddy!
Bye, daddy!
Bye, daddy!
Bye, daddy!
Bye, daddy!
Jim?
What? They ate.
Hah!
Oh, baby.
Jeez, jim, why don't you
just buy a new one?
What do they cost,
like, bucks now?
Well, that's bucks that
could be collecting interest
In the kids' college fund.
Honey, you never started
a college fund for the kids.
I'm waiting to see
which one's the smart one.
Okay.
[ Electricity crackling ]
Better.
Dana, do you want to come
to dinner on saturday night?
My little brother is bringing
his new girlfriend.
When did andy get
a girlfriend?
He didn't tell you?
What do you guys
talk about at work?
Stuff.
We found a thumb
on the work site the other day.
We still talk about that.
Well, andy is dating
ruby's piano instructor, alicia.
When did ruby start taking
piano lessons?
Where do you think
she's been going
every saturday
For the past month?
Out...
There.
Why are we paying
for piano lessons?
I was gonna teach her
how to play.
Yeah, like you were
gonna potty train her.
Anybody can pee
sitting down.
Just wait till you see me
with the boy...
No hands...
Oh.
...in the snow...
Writing his full name.
Now that takes lessons.
Do you mind if
I bring somebody to dinner?
Really?
Mm-hmm.
His name is dr. Josh nelson.
He's a cardiopulmonary surgeon.
A doctor?
Since when?
What? She didn't tell you?
What do you guys talk about
on the phone?
You.
Really?
Yeah, if you were shoes.
Anyway...
I finally found a straight,
single, successful man.
A man with ambition.
I don't mean how many doughnuts
he can eat without throwing up.
.
All: aw.
That's really good,
ruby.
Alicia's teaching style
is so unique.
I don't think of myself
as a teacher.
I'm more about
watching the child's
natural talent
Evolve on its own.
So you're more like
a $ -an-hour babysitter, huh?
He's kidding.
We love you.
Honey, she just watches.
You know what?
Actually, it's time for dinner.
Why don't we have the grownups
in the dining room,
Kids in the kitchen?
I wanna eat
with the grownups.
I know, sweetie.
Just more years.
Yay!
My date's gonna be
a few minutes late,
So I'll just go wait
outside for him.
Dating a doctor.
Oh.
Ruby is so talented.
She probably gets it from me.
I play the harmonica.
Oh!
Yeah, like in jail.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's kinda hard
to hide a piano
During a stripsearch.
Alicia...
Why don't you sit
over there...
Away from jim?
So, I hope
everyone brought
their appetite
Because cheryl
cooked, like,
half a cow!
Actually,
I'm a lactovegetarian.
Oh, I thought you people
k*lled yourselves
Because a spaceship
was coming.
[ Chuckles ]
Ouch.
No, we just don't eat meat
or eggs.
It's not a cult.
Well, do you believe in god?
Of course
I believe in her.
Don't.
God is not a girl.
How do you know?
Because god is a boy's name.
Alicia, I don't want
you to worry.
Andy told us you
were vegetarian,
So the girls
and I made you a
-bean harvest loaf.
Ohh.
I think I'll have
some of that, too.
I've been a vegetarian
for three weeks now,
And I've never
felt better.
Really?
So those five slim jims today --
that didn't count?
More, please?
I'm sorry, honey.
I fell off the wagon.
But I've been clean now
since -- : .
Hi, everybody.
This is my date,
dr. Josh nelson.
Hi.
Actually, "josh" is fine.
Okay. Dr. Josh.
[ Pager beeping ]
Oh, excuse me.
Ooh.
Big accident
on the eisenhower.
Looks like
mr. Lowder's gonna get
his heart after all.
Ohh...
Well...
Guess I'm gonna have
to get used to this.
My apologies.
It was really
nice meeting
all of you.
Oh, yeah. Take care.
Bye.
So, what
do you think?
The guy's got wives
all over the place.
Do you guys wanna come over
and watch the bears game?
Oh, honey, please.
I mean, vegetarians
don't sit around
And watch football
on sunday.
They're probably out
dancing around a pole
Praying to a cabbage
or something.
Actually, jimbo,
I'm a huge football fan.
"Jimbo"?
Honey, look, there's some
gristle over there
you missed.
You might want to grab it.
See, jim...bo...
Alicia's from wisconsin.
I'm a packers fan.
[ Gasps ]
In my house?
Guess what's for dessert?
Actually, andy's been watching
the packers games with me,
And I think he's starting
to warm up to them!
[ Chuckles nervously ]
[ Gasping ]
I just been checking
them out, looking
at a few brochures,
You know, seeing what
they're all about.
You're dead to me.
[ Sighs ]
What?
What did I do now?
You know, jim,
Alicia is andy's first
girlfriend since carrie,
And your behavior
tonight was
embarrassing.
You can only
embarrass yourself.
And you should know.
What about you?
Interrupting me
and giving me looks
And stuffing bread
in my mouth...
With no butter.
If I didn't do that
you'd be --
I'd be fine, honey,
and you'd be out of a job.
[ Laughs ]
I can take care of myself.
I'm not ruby or grace.
I know.
They have manners.
Do you know that packer fan
ate the centerpiece?!
We all ate
the centerpiece, jim!
It's called a salad!
Honey, she was a guest
in our home,
And now she thinks
you're a big jerk.
I don't give a rat's ass what
andy's girlfriend thinks of me!
That's more important to you.
You are the one that cares.
Everybody cares.
What do you mean,
"everybody cares"?
You're so obsessed
with this people
liking you.
Jim, when you're rude,
it reflects on me,
And we both reflect on andy.
Yeah, well,
when you kick me,
it reflects on you,
And it hurts me.
All right, I hear you.
You want me to back off.
Yeah, let's try that
for a change.
Let's just let jim
be jim.
Okay, honey.
If that's what you want,
you got it.
Fly, little meat-filled
birdie.
Fly.
Hey, guys.
Hey, andy.
Is that bacon?
Sweet mother of god,
that tastes good.
Hey, I thought you were
a vegetarian now.
Alicia and I broke up
last night.
I'm taking it out
on the animals.
Bears or packers?
Bears.
There you go.
Hey, ruby, enough with
the "twinkle, twinkle."
How about some
"little star"?
Oh, andy, I am so sorry
about you and alicia.
What happened?
She found a turkey leg
in a baggie
Taped to the back
of the toilet t*nk.
You know, like the g*n
in the godfather.
Oh.
Well, as far
as I'm concerned, andy,
You just dodged a big,
fat, -bean b*llet.
Jim, they just broke up.
No, no, dana.
We're not doing that
anymore.
What are we doing?
We're gonna just let jim
be jim.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Aw, come on, andy.
Be real.
I mean, alicia
was a controlling
pain in the butt.
You know, looking
for some schmo
she can push around.
You know.
Am I right?
I guess.
I mean,
some little boy
she can mold
Into some
freak vegetarian
packer fan, right?
Yeah.
You're not some
she-god loving
little boy.
You're a man!
Yeah!
A meat-eating,
bears-lovin' man!
My name's andy,
and I love bacon!
Now, you see that,
cheryl?
You see that?
When you stop
censoring me,
I can take a man
whose spirit is broken,
Whose heart
is shattered,
And make him...
Not that way!
Okay,
you see here -- curly,
He's gonna make breakfast
for larry and moe.
But pay special attention
to the pancake syrup.
It's really glue.
Moe is gonna be really pissed.
Hey, sweetie!
How was your piano lesson?
Good.
Andy?
Hey, where you going?
It's a "curly."
No, thank you, james.
Goodbye, james.
W-w-what's with the "james"?
Uh-oh.
It's formal guy.
He's mad at you.
What did I do?
Alicia and I have
chosen to resume
our relationship.
And in light of certain
opinions you expressed
about milady...
I no longer feel
at ease
in your presence.
Oh, andy, I was just trying to
pump you up when you were down.
No matter.
From this day forth,
I shall work with you,
I shall be in the band
with you,
And I shall borrow money
from you.
But that's it.
Andy, come on,
let's talk about this.
Cheryl, you're my sister,
and I love you,
But I just can't be here
anymore.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go pick up some...
Tofu.
Good day to you, milord.
Andy...
I said good day!
You see, jim?
What?
Andy, hold on!
Just for the record,
I want you to know
That he's on your mother's
side of the family.
So, alicia takes us
To this great kosher vegetarian
restaurant called soy vey.
Uh-huh.
And andy bets
That he can stump
the sitar player.
So dr. Josh picks
"little red corvette,"
Which is funny
because he drives a lexus.
Ohhh...we laughed
and laughed.
Ooh-ooh, wait,
dr. Josh was there?
Well, barely.
He was giving cpr
to the maitre d'.
You see, jim,
one of andy's sisters
Gets to go out with him
and his girlfriend
And share in his newfound love
and happiness.
The other one is married
to you.
Well, here's another way
to look at it --
Where's the pretzels?
Oh, come on, honey,
I'm sick of this.
I've invited andy and alicia
over three times this week,
And he keeps making up
lame excuses.
Oh, honey, who cares?
I do.
You see, this is what happens
when I let jim be jim.
You know, honey,
you don't have to say
Everything that comes
into your mind.
Well, I'm holding
something back
right now.
Oh, honey, would you talk
to andy...for me?
Why? I didn't do
anything wrong.
Typical macho guy.
You know,
I think, deep down,
Little jim is dying
to communicate with little andy.
You know, you and I have
Very different ideas
of who little jim is.
[ Electric guitar plays ]
I got us some pretzels.
Hey, is andy coming,
or what?
I don't know.
I insulted his woman.
Apparently,
you don't do that now.
, , , .
[ Blues music plays ]
[ Music stops ]
Hey, willie, ed, joe...
Harmonica guy.
Sorry I'm late,
but my overbearing,
Packer-loving girlfriend
had a flat.
Well, great.
You ready to play?
I don't know.
Is there something
you want to say to me?
[ Sighs ]
Go to him, jim.
[ Sighs ] hey.
Hey.
Um...
Yeah.
You know?
Sure.
Pretzel?
Yeah, thanks.
Okay. All right,
let's get back to it.
Oh, by the way,
alicia and you
Are invited over
to sunday dinner.
Ooh, not such a good idea.
Aw, come on,
I'll be nice.
Jim, you're not
the problem.
Come on,
he's always the problem.
[ Sighs ]
what's the problem?
Cheryl --
for some reason,
Alicia doesn't like
being around her.
My cheryl?
Mm-hmm.
Not me? Cheryl?
Now, alicia told me this
in confidence.
Promise me
you won't tell cheryl.
I promise.
You're gonna tell her,
aren't you?
Oh, yeah.
, , , .
[ Blues music plays ]
All right!
Well, well, well.
I made up with andy.
Oh, honey, that's great.
Thank you.
And I asked alicia
and andy
To come over for dinner
on sunday.
Fantastic!
But they're not coming.
What did you do?
I didn't do anything.
It turns out...
I'm not the one
she doesn't like.
Apparently,
she doesn't like you.
What?!
What?!
Yep, not a fan.
Well...
D-did andy say why?
No, just doesn't like you.
Not her cup of tea.
You rub her the wrong way.
A thorn in her side.
I get it!
[ Sighs ] and it's fine.
What do you want
for dinner?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not so fast.
First, I wanna
hear it.
Hear what?
I wanna hear you say,
"jim, you weren't the problem.
"I, cheryl, was the problem.
"Not you, jim.
I, cheryl...
"Was the problem.
Signed -- cheryl le problème."
Jim, I don't care
what alicia thinks
about me.
All that matters is
that she likes andy.
That's what's important
here.
It is!
[ Snickers ]
What?!
Sometimes life tickles me.
No. What?
Oh, come on, cheryl,
you can't stand this.
You're obsessed
with being liked.
You've always been
like that.
I have not!
Oh, come on!
You thought
the "romper room" lady
hated you
Because she never
saw you through
her magic mirror.
Oh, she saw me.
This is just eating you up
inside, isn't it?
No, it is not, you guys!
I am fine with this!
Really!
I'm fine!
Really!
Well, she said it
so many times,
She must be fine.
Shut up!
[ "Twinkle, twinkle,
little star" plays ]
What? What?
It's my kid.
What do you care?
Back down,
back down.
Yeah! All right!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Aw, honey.
Come on, gracie,
let's go see ruby.
Oh, yay.
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
Where's dr. Josh?
Oh, his grandma had
chest pains,
And he went running,
"coming, granny!"
This is chip.
Chip works in the mailroom
at my office,
And he has all the time
in the world for me.
He drives a corolla.
Come on,
there's this great bar
I wanna take you to
on rush street.
You're , right?
[ Whispering ]
is he ?
Aw, ruby,
you were so awesome.
You were like a teeny-weeny,
white ray charles.
Thank you.
Music is
a universal language,
And it speaks to our soul,
and we listen.
I hate piano.
Can I quit?
Honey, you know,
it's okay with me.
But you know who
loves piano? Santa.
Daddy, can I have
a cookie?
Oh, sure, baby.
Why don't you both
go get some cookies
over there?
Right? And fill up
your pockets.
We paid
two bucks a seat.
Honey...
Oh, hey, there's alicia.
Why don't we go
over there
And tell her how good
the performance was?
Honey, no, no,
not now.
She's busy talking
to some other parents.
Oh, I wonder why.
Oh, it's 'cause
she likes them.
Maybe she does.
I told you
I don't care!
I know, honey.
Alicia!
Come on over here!
I wanna talk to you
about the show.
That recital was so great.
Well, ruby's
a wonderful student.
She'll be even better
When she kicks in
with those other
fingers.
Well, she has
a great teacher.
We've got an advanced
class coming up if --
Why don't you
like me?
Andy!
Hey, look, an exit.
Alicia, I don't mean
to make you
uncomfortable,
And it's okay
if you don't
like me, really.
I mean, I just kind
of want to know --
Why don't
you like me?!
Not that it means
anything to her.
I-i never said
I didn't like you.
I-i just said
I didn't like
being around you.
Splitting hairs here.
Why? What's wrong
with me?
Well...
Be honest.
This is gonna sound strange.
It's just you're so...
Perfect.
Huh?
I mean,
you're this perfect mom
With this great house
and these terrific kids,
And you're pretty and smart.
And here I am starting up
a relationship with andy,
And I feel like
you're the standard
I'm being held up to.
Let me get
this straight.
What you're really
saying is you
like me too much.
I guess
I was just jealous.
Well, you do realize
that I'm married
to him?
Hey, how you doing?
Alicia, you know,
the truth is
I am so not perfect.
I mean,
what you saw was
An isolated little
slice of my life.
Right before you
guys came, I was
in ratty sweats,
Hemming
my daughter's dress
with a stapler.
Thank you
for telling me that.
I feel a lot better.
Now, if you'll excuse me
I have to go ruin
the rest of andy's day.
I want to hear
you say it.
Say what?
Say, "you, cheryl,
are not the problem.
"You, cheryl,
are in fact
delightful.
Signed --
jim the jackass."
I'm not signing that.
Aw, honey, you know
that every time
a husband is wrong,
An angel
gets its wings.
[ Chuckles ]
Okay, honey, you're perfect,
And I'm the "him" in
"what's she doing with him?"
Oh, honey, don't worry.
Someday, somewhere,
someone won't like me.
Oh, yeah, and the apes
will rule the planet.
Blah, blah, blah.
Come on, let's go.
How come everything ends
with apes ruling
the planet?
Well, all they need
are their thumbs.
Speaking of thumbs,
did I tell you
I found one at work?
Yes, you did.