Hey, i thought you were
playing with the girls.
I am.
But they're outside
and you're in here.
Well, we're playing
"frozen guy."
You see, i'm frozen,
And the only way
i get thawed out
Is by the girls playing
in the backyard.
That sounds a lot
like "hammock guy."
No, cheryl.
"Hammock guy" -- I'm outside
and they play in here.
Ooh! Ooh!
Are you thawed out
yet, daddy?
Ooh! Cold! Brr!
Oh, play harder. Play harder.
Ooh, i'm so cold.
Oh, i'm frozen.
So when are we
gonna eat?
I don't know.
You better ask
your wife,
'Cause frozen gal is
gonna sit her ass down
And read the paper.
It's fun playing
with the kids, isn't it?
Hah!
Oh, baby!
Hey, ruby, how do you
like my new tie
For my first day
at kindergarten?
It's my first day
of kindergarten.
Hey, maybe you're
in the same class.
Cool.
Morning, everybody.
Morning, aunt dana.
Hello. Do i look tired?
More haggard than tired.
Because i was on the phone
half the night
With our little brother.
Aunt dana, today is
my first day of kindergarten.
I know. It's so exciting.
What a big girl you are.
I have a bagina.
Me too.
That means we have to work
twice as hard as a man
To earn the same money.
Hey, do you girls want
to go watch tv?
Yeah, yeah.
So you're on the phone
with andy...
Yeah. He and carrie
had a huge fight.
She said
he broke her hair dryer.
He said it was
normal wear and tear.
Fight, fight, fight.
Now she's back
in her own apartment.
It's turned into one
of those stupid couple fights,
Like the time you
closed the car door on me.
You told me to shut it.
Why would i tell you
to shut the car door
When i'm still
getting out of the car?
I have no idea, but you
told me to shut it --
Okay. Focus.
We love carrie.
She's great for andy.
She's smart. She's sweet.
She's caring.
She's great in the sack.
Andy's got a big mouth.
I don't know.
He told me. I mean...
all right,
so what are we gonna do?
All right,
how about this?
How about we try to
get through today
the best we can
And then try to get
some sleep tonight,
if we can...
and in the morning
we get up
And do the same thing
over and over again
Till carrie and andy
work this thing out
for themselves?
Let's ignore jim,
If we can.
Honey, would you please
talk to andy for me?
You're saying that
like a question,
But it really isn't,
is it?
No.
All right,
i'll talk to andy,
But will you
do something for me?
Anything.
All right! I got all day
to think about it.
Andy, i've been
going over your plans
For the patterson house.
Is there a problem?
Well, kind of.
There's no door.
So, unless the pattersons were
actually born in the house...
i'm sorry, jim.
I'm all screwed up
from this carrie thing.
I've thrown up
twice already.
Need a tic tac?
Okay.
Your sisters want me
to talk to you about carrie.
I really miss her.
What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
So we've had our talk,
right?
Yeah.
Okay.
Jim: so how did ruby's
first day of school go?
Oh, not good.
When i tried to leave,
She ran after me,
sobbing.
Really?
Yeah. What happened
with andy?
Aw, pretty much
the same thing,
And then he threw up.
You know,
the guy misses carrie.
Where did i put
the screwdriver?
No. No. Sharp.
Here.
You know,
i really think we need
To get andy and carrie
in the same room together.
Hey, how about we have
them over for dinner?
Great. You don't need me
here for that, do you?
[ Girl shrieks ]
Okay, settle down.
Inside voices.
Inside voices.
So what did you
end up doing with ruby?
What could i do?
I stayed.
I sat outside
her classroom
On a tiny little bench
until : .
Aw, honey, i'm sorry.
You know what?
It's just her first day.
It's not like she's gonna
be hanging onto your skirt
The rest of her life
like me.
[ Girl shrieks ]
All right. All right.
All right. That's enough.
Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.
Timeout. Timeout.
Everybody, timeout.
You, on the couch.
You, on the chair.
Aww!
Aww!
Aww! Yeah, someday
you're gonna beg
For five minutes alone
in a chair
With nothing to do.
Oh, look at us.
: at night, and we're
already in our pajamas.
Yeah.
You wanna have sex?
Yeah.
[ Sighs ]
that's good to know.
Oh, what am i gonna
do about ruby?
I've been sitting
outside her classroom
for a week now.
I don't know, but, honey,
we got to do something,
'Cause i can't keep taking
the kids to work with me.
I mean, kyle is screaming
and crying all day
And --
And the little one?
Gracie.
Right.
She keeps answering the phone,
"hello, i have a bagina."
Sometimes
she doesn't even say hello.
And, you know,
her teacher said
Starting tomorrow
i'm not allowed
to stay anymore.
I mean, my daughter is
screaming bloody m*rder
And i'm supposed
to just leave?
I can't do that.
Then i'll do it.
You're gonna take
ruby to school?
Yeah. Well, yeah,
she needs somebody tough,
Somebody who can say adios
and walk away.
Oh, and that's you?
Yeah, that's me.
Honey, come on.
Let's face it.
It's a scientific fact.
I mean, i read it
in an article in "playboy."
Men are better at separating
than women.
I mean, look at how many of us
walk out on our crying wives.
You know
what strength that takes?
You know, that's
interesting,
Because i read just
the opposite
In last month's issue
of "juggs."
Nobody reads the articles
in "juggs," honey.
Now come on.
I'm serious here.
Men are tougher.
I mean, honey,
I know you did
the best job you could,
But you got too emotional --
But that's okay.
You're a woman.
That's what we love
about you guys.
[ Laughing ] oh.
But in a situation like this,
you got be a rock
And walk away.
I'm not leaving.
If we let you stay --
I can stay here.
What's so wrong about
staying in the hall?
It's no big deal --
Oh, what's this about?
Oh, you need support,
do you?
Daddy!
I'm not leaving, baby.
I'm not leaving,
Not without my daughter!
Hey, let's just talk
about this for a second, okay?
Gotta hand it to jim.
He really handled
this whole school thing
Just like he said he would.
Dishes
for the ladies.
For the last couple of
days, he's been taking
ruby to school
And leaving work
to pick her up at : .
What? He doesn't even show up
to work till after : .
He's not coming in
to work till when?
I must not speak
when i'm with people.
Why would jim be coming in
to work late every day?
Maybe he's having an affair.
[ Laughter ]
Hmm.
Oh, my god.
What?
: --
Taking ruby to school
And picking her up
to lighten my load.
Jim's never worried
about my load before.
Dana, he's been sitting
outside ruby's classroom.
Just like you did.
Yes.
Oh, my god.
Let's go bust him.
No, no, no,
this is all mine.
Dana,
if you ever get married,
You will come to realize
That these are
the moments you savor.
Cheryl...
hmm?
You said "if."
I meant "when."
All right, the embalmers removed
the stomach and other organs
Through a cut
in the lower abdomen.
Did that.
They then inserted hooks
into the nostrils
And pulled out the brain.
Did that.
Oh, hey, girls, here.
We didn't do this yet.
Then they stuffed
the mummy's mouth
With exotic egyptian stuff
Which we now know
as corn chips.
Can we stuff your mouth
with corn chips, daddy?
Well...okay, i mean,
We're trying to keep it
real and everything.
Okay, go get the chips.
Get the big bag.
Hi.
Why are you looking at me
like that?
Because i love you?
No, i know that look.
This is not that look.
Maybe it's a look
of gratitude.
Well, yeah,
it could be that.
I wouldn't recognize that.
You know, honey, i just
never thanked you enough
For taking over
ruby's school problem
And handling it so well.
Oh, don't worry about it, honey.
It's no big deal, really.
Sweetie,
you seem nervous.
Oh, i'm not nervous
at all.
Yeah.
No, i just -- I -- It's --
Well, i'm a little nervous.
It's about
this dinner tonight.
I want it to work.
I mean, carrie's
so great. Isn't she?
You are so cute
with your brain sucked out.
Here you go, daddy.
The big bag.
Mmm.
Oh, carrie, don't worry.
Andy will be here soon.
Right, dana?
I'm sorry.
I can't hear you.
It's a little noisy
down at this end of the table.
He's not coming.
It's over.
I blew it.
Oh, sweetie.
Mmm.
What? Is there a rule
That says you can't eat
when someone's crying?
Hey, everyone.
Andy.
Sorry i'm late,
but i had to go
To three different stores
to find the right one.
I don't want us to fight.
Oh, neither do i.
Oh, my god.
It's exactly like
the one you broke.
Well, yeah, but...
yeah.
Oh, ha ha.
Lasagna, huh?
Ha ha ha.
I got to tell you, cheryl,
your lasagna --
I didn't break it.
Yes, you did.
No, i didn't.
It was normal wear and tear.
Normal wear and tear?
Everything is wear and tear.
I suppose abraham lincoln
died from normal
wear and tear.
Well, he sure didn't die
From being used minutes
on the high setting. Huh?
Knock it off.
Knock it off.
This whole thing is
upsetting my stomach.
I can't eat.
I mean, i can finish
what's on my plate.
I'm worried
about dessert.
Come on.
You know what?
This is gonna be
one of those fights
you're gonna have
Your entire relationship.
I mean, like cheryl and i --
We still fight about
the time she asked me
To close the car door
on her and i did.
Jim, for god's sake,
why would i ask you to --
You see?
She can't let it go...
but we don't break up
over it.
I mean, we talk.
Communication
is the key here.
Honey, you're right.
Isn't he, dana?
Mmm.
I can't think of anything
we don't share. Can you?
No, not off the top
of my head, honey.
Yeah, well,
maybe you need to look
A little deeper than the top.
You know, maybe
just below the sports scores,
But right above the lyrics
to "louie, louie."
This is not that look
of gratitude, is it?
No.
This is the look
of you are totally busted
For sitting
outside ruby's school.
Oh, that.
All right. All right.
Ha! You are so full of it.
You should have heard him.
"Women are so emotional.
Men are so tough."
He was quoting "playboy"
at me.
Look, i got very
emotional, you know.
It was hard for me to leave.
I was a big ol' girl.
All right? Oh, you know.
I have to know, honey.
How did you get mrs. Carter
to let you stay?
Mrs. Carter
was my teacher
at my old school.
Mrs. Scavullo's
my teacher now.
Ha. Oh, yeah.
Uh...
here's something you may
or may not find funny.
Uh, ruby doesn't go
to havenhurst anymore.
She goes to emerson.
What?
Emerson is a very
good school, honey.
Well...
hey, who wants
to go out for ice cream?
Yay!
Thanks, cheryl.
Okay, what flavor
do you want?
Vanilla.
Honey...
this lasagna's
really good,
Even the burnt pieces.
Jim?
Yes?
You changed ruby's school
without telling me.
Okay, honey,
ruby was hysterical, okay?
Mrs. Carter told me
to leave. I wouldn't.
There was a struggle,
Drinking fountain was
inadvertently broken,
They threw me out,
and i took ruby with me.
I mean, what was i
supposed to do --
Walk away
from a screaming child?
You do it
all the time
around here!
Oh.
Honey, honey.
Honey...
so let me
get this straight.
Not only have you been
lying to me,
But my daughter's been
lying to me?
Whoa.
Hold it right there.
I did not tell ruby
to lie to you.
All i said was,
"don't tell your mother,"
And i gave her some money.
You bribed our daughter
to lie to me?
Honey, it was a dollar.
You can't buy anything
with a dollar.
Uhh!
What? What?
Ruby's happy at her school,
and so i fixed the problem.
How did you fix
the problem?
Ruby still can't stay
at school alone.
You're still sitting
outside her classroom
all day.
It's just
a different room.
Hey, honey,
i finally figured out
What i want you
to do for me.
Do it yourself.
Okay, baby. Bedtime.
Is mommy mad?
Well...yeah, kinda.
I'm sorry. I forgot.
Oh, honey,
it's not your fault,
But you're probably
gonna have to give me
the dollar back.
No. Really.
Ha ha ha.
Honey, i can't stay
at school with you anymore.
Can mommy?
Unh-Unh.
Why?
Well, it's kind of like
that stones song
"You can't always get
what you want,"
And what you want is
mommy and daddy
to be around you
All the time
like when you were little,
But you can't, you know?
You -- You gotta kinda
do some things on your own,
And one of those things
would be to stay in school
by yourself.
What's the stones?
The rolling stones?
"Brown sugar"?
"Jumpin' jack flash"?
"Sympathy for the devil"?
Aw, baby,
You got a lot of great music
ahead of you.
So...the dollar?
Ha ha ha.
Cute little thing.
Good night.
[ Closes door loudly ]
Uh...
i didn't know if you wanted me
to do the dishes or not...
so i didn't.
[ Drops things on counter
loudly ]
[ Puts away change loudly ]
[ Coins clanking
through sorter ]
[ Sighs ] well...
guess it's time
for a drum solo.
♪ wipeout ♪
Now we're gonna
slow it down --
A little spice girls.
♪ stop right there ♪
♪ thank you very much ♪
♪ i just want a human... ♪
Oh.
All right.
I was gonna tell you
about changing ruby's school,
But it just kinda
snowballed, you know?
And then -- And then
a couple days went by
And it was just...
i could have told you,
honey.
Jim, we are partners
in this thing.
It's not just you.
I know.
You know what, though?
But, you know,
Ruby's gonna have days
where she's gonna be on her own
And she's gonna feel
alone and scared
And we're not gonna
be there,
And this time i was there.
You know, i did
the same thing you did.
I mean, you probably
wouldn't have broke
the drinking fountain, but...
i don't know, honey.
The secret is to hold on
to the lockers
While they're
dragging you away.
You were always
smarter than me.
Ha ha ha.
God, you're
a beautiful woman.
God, you're
a lucky man.
Lucky?
Did i hear "lucky"?
Ha ha ha.
[ Kiss ]
Honey?
Hmm?
Why would i ask you
to close
the car door on me?
Honey?
Hmm?
Why would i
shut the car door on you
If you didn't ask me?
Okay. Ha ha.
[ Kiss ]
But why would
i ask you?
Honey, i wouldn't have done it
if you didn't ask me...