11x07 - Irma Kostroski
Posted: 12/07/21 06:40
CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
Once in a lifetime,
a politician comes along
who's not a politician,
who's a person
who cares about our community.
And that man is here with us today.
Please welcome the next mayor
of Santa Monica, Jimmy Mayhew!
Thank you for that very nice
introduction, Susie.
You know, you can sit here,
but you can't go to Broadway
when I'm selling out
show after show for ten weeks.
We have
an obligation imbalance, okay?
'Cause I don't do anything
to invite you to,
but you do things
to invite me to.
I offered you opera seats.
You mean up there on the side,
looking down?
- Mussolini's view.
- The Mussolini view?
- Yeah, those are good.
- I said, "Myoo-solini".
- You said, "Muss-olini".
- It's not "Myoo-solini" like muesli.
It's not like a cereal.
I confuse it with Mucilex.
I take that for my coughs.
Now, as a resident of Santa Monica,
I wanna give everyone in Santa Monica
the ability to achieve higher education.
You never call me.
You always pick the restaurants.
Are we married? I don't understand.
Am I dating you?
You hate people.
Your wardrobe sucks.
My wardrobe?
You're talking about my wardrobe?
Yeah, put this wardrobe down.
I'm one of the best-dressed
comics that ever lived.
You're the worst-dressed
person I've ever seen.
I can't even look at you.
I get depressed.
When are you gonna die?
Will you please die?
As you know,
we have an election coming up.
And the incumbent,
Jay Reimenschneider,
entered the office of mayor
with great aspirations,
but he failed to deliver
for the people of Santa Monica.
I will not fail. I have many goals.
That's the guy who's in
my new show.
Young Larry. He's playing me,
when I was in my s.
Would you mind tapping him?
- Would you tap him?
- No.
- Excuse me, could you...
- What?
Just tap him on the shoulder.
I wanna get his attention for a second.
Maybe he does not want to be tapped.
Believe me, he wants to be tapped.
And if he knew that I was here,
trying to tap him and unable to tap him
he'd be upset.
I do not like being tapped,
and I will not tap a stranger.
- Could you two please be quiet?
- Why don't you be quiet?
You two have been talking,
and talking. Stop!
You're the one talking.
- You're talking.
- You're talking.
No, you're talking,
and you keep talking!
Where'd you get that dress anyway,
at a substitute teacher
designer warehouse?
Just stop. You mid-level celebrities,
you think you're so smart
with all your banter. Just stop!
They won't shut up.
Health and safety are the cornerstones
of a great democracy.
They are the foundation of the house
where the American dream lives.
And to me, the American dream
means that every person...
- Don't tap me again.
- Don't worry, turn around.
- Don't touch me again.
- I'm not touching you.
I need your vote. Thank you.
- Larry!
- Asa!
Asa, soon to be young Larry.
- Soon to be young Larry, yeah.
- I am so excited for the table read.
Table read tomorrow. Yeah.
- Why don't you take a pin?
- No, I don't wear pins.
No? But you might change
one person's mind,
and how incredible
would that be, Larry?
Let me ask you a question.
You see somebody
in a hat that says,
"St. Petersburg, Florida"
do you wanna go there?
- As artists...
- As what?
We have an obligation.
Let me tell you something.
Non-pros, there's nothing
they love more
than when actors tell them
what they think.
What a mouthful.
- It's really great running into you.
- Yeah, good to see ya.
And if there's anything I can tell you
about myself, feel free to ask.
I'm an open book.
An open bad book,
that after ten pages
you'll put down, okay?
You forgot your pin, by the way.
I'll pick it up later. Leave it.
- I thought you did well.
- Yes.
But can I just say a word
to you, that's important to me?
Hey. The hell was that?
- The disruptive behavior?
- I'm sorry.
I was just trying to get in touch with
the guy sitting two rows in front of me.
That woman, who is she?
In the maroon?
She's just the worst.
Irma Kostroski.
She's a city councilwoman,
very powerful.
The most hideous
disagreeable person.
She's just awful.
I'm friends with her daughter,
who's lovely, but...
She's repugnant.
Go mingle.
Maybe you'll meet a nice woman.
- By the way, great job here.
- Thank you.
- And your speech was terrific.
- Thank you, Lar.
Under no circumstances
are you living with him!
Yeah, that's what you think.
Who lives with
his -year-old uncle?
- I do.
- Why can't you be normal?
I'm perfectly normal.
Marcia, am I normal?
- My mother thinks you're mental!
- Really?
Yes. She told me!
Why are you telling me?
Well, why not?
You're not living with Moe.
Just try a little dark meat.
Why don't you all...
That's my line.
Why don't you all just mind
your own g*dd*mn business?
He's my son. He's my business.
Well, why don't we get
some other opinions, okay?
Marcia, do you think
it's her business?
I've seen the apartment,
and it's really nice.
And I'm sure I'll be spending
a lot of time there.
So you can see why
this is a toughie.
- I've had enough.
- Look at the mess you've made.
- Go to hell, Rosie.
- No, you go.
Hey. What'd I tell you
about Ted Danson, huh?
- Yeah, you were right.
- A real mechayeh.
- He's what? What's that?
- He's a mechayeh, he's a pleasure.
On-screen, off-screen,
he's the best.
- Listen, I wanna talk to you...
- I know what you're gonna say.
Okay. I saw the tape.
It was like night and day.
What happened to her?
Well, some people aren't good
at read-throughs. She was nervous.
Once she starts rehearsing,
she'll be different.
- I'll fix it.
- Yeah, I trust you.
All right, fellas, let's go.
The script is great, by the way.
- Boy...
- What are we gonna do?
- Do you have any ideas?
- Yeah. sh**t her.
- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah.
- Got something I wanna run by ya.
- Hey, put this on my chair.
What's up?
Something's really been
weighing me down.
- Really? What's going on?
- I'm having a really difficult time.
I had a props guy pull the mugs.
You see what
I'm dealing with here?
What lackluster assortment
we got going on here.
They're mugs.
What's wrong with them?
I feel these mugs,
they're not true.
I've been spending
a lot of time as Larry.
And I feel like I know him
more intimately than anybody.
I just think coffee
was a really important thing for you.
- It wasn't important at all, Asa!
- Would you mind calling me Larry?
Okay. It wasn't important
at all, Larry.
I'm an actor, okay?
If anything rings as disingenuous,
I can't fake it. I can't pretend.
Isn't that what actors do?
They fake it?
I think Stella Adler
would beg to differ.
Look, look at this.
This isn't a real deli.
This is a fake deli, okay?
- I did a play my junior year...
- Okay, spare me.
- You know what? Larry...
- Thank you, Larry.
I will talk to Stan. We'll have
five new cups for you tomorrow.
- Thank you, Larry.
- You're welcome, Larry.
- Good talking to you, Larry.
- Yeah, you too, Larry.
- Really, Larry?
- Did you catch this?
I did.
Can you believe that kid?
He's rejecting everything
I'm putting in front of him.
He's the biggest mug here,
if you ask me.
Maybe we need
to cut him some slack.
I heard something.
I don't know if it's true or not,
but somebody told me
that he was sexually abused
as a young actor
when he was or something.
Okay.
So, Stan,
I know it's a pain in the ass.
Get five more.
I'll get five more
for little prick Larry.
And if he rejects those,
I can tell you where it'll end up.
- We're drawing a line there, okay?
- All right, Stan. Okay.
Thanks, Larry.
Unequivocally, the worst acting
I've ever seen. Ever!
- Who talks that way?
- Every sentence is different.
One sentence isn't attached
to the one before. Did you notice that?
Lilly Collins's manager...
They were really interested in this.
- She was?
- Yeah.
You shouldn't have
even told me that.
- What good did that do?
- It does no good at all.
Hey, Lar. What'd you think of Mayhew
the other day, huh?
- Fantastic, isn't he?
- He was all right.
All right? The man's gonna be
president, Larry. Trust me.
President?
That's a little much, isn't it?
You should get in good with him.
Why don't you canvass?
Larry, you could do
some canvassing with Susie.
- Yeah!
- Knocking on doors?
- Yeah.
- Are you out of your mind?
What am I,
a Fuller Brush salesman?
And you don't change
anybody's mind anyway.
Hey, you got
the basketball package, right?
Yeah.
He's gonna make
a difference in this city.
He's gonna get the city council
to repeal that ordinance
that people can have
chicken coops in their backyard.
- He's gonna repeal it?
- He's gonna try to get the votes.
- Repeal?
- What was that?
He promised me the other day,
he was gonna get the city council
to repeal the ordinance.
The city council can repeal laws,
and ordinances?
They make the law,
they can repeal the law.
It's just a matter of votes.
They gotta get the votes.
What was the name of that horrible,
horrible, obnoxious woman
who was sitting in front of me?
- The councilwoman.
- Irma Kostroski.
Irma Kostroski.
Divorced.
I think we need to implement
and enhance
some of these safety protocols
at the Pier and Palisades Park.
- Especially for our staff and...
- Seniors.
And seniors, yes.
It's like a dance with death
with those scooters for the seniors.
- And the ramp.
- Hey, Simon! Ramps!
- We have to talk about ramps.
- I am marking that down.
So, let's put that up to a vote.
All in favor?
- Aye.
- Aye.
Ayes have it. Fantastic.
We will put that on our schedule
and try to set up a time to try
to decide on the appointment
of those three members
of that committee.
Fantastic. This was
a very productive meeting.
I thank you all for your time.
Meeting is adjourned.
Excuse me.
- Do you remember me?
- Yes, I do.
I'm Larry David. I just wanna apologize
for my behavior at the fundraiser,
asking you to tap someone.
And you poked me.
Yeah. I'm really sorry
about that.
- It was disrespectful to Jimmy Mayhew.
- Disrespectful, and very rude.
Of course, all you had to do was just
touch the person in front of you.
Needless to say,
it doesn't matter. I was wrong.
Thank you for taking responsibility.
And by the way. This was
very enjoyable, this meeting.
Have you ever thought about
maybe running for senator,
or congresswoman?
What about a congresswoman?
I don't wanna move to DC.
Too cold.
But anyway, I have to go.
I gotta supervise a re-recording
of an earthquake emergency
announcement.
Boy, oh, boy.
You're doing great, great work.
We the people are appreciative,
Ms. Kostroski.
Well, call me Irma.
- Irma! What a beautiful name!
- Thank you.
But don't tell me
it's with an "E".
- No, an I. I have to go.
- All right. Okay.
I'm so sorry.
Gas here, you know?
- I get a bubble.
- You get a bubble...
- Larry with a Y.
- Yeah, funny.
It wasn't meant to be funny.
I'm just checking.
Yeah, but it was. It was funny.
Larry with a Y, funny.
Oh, boy!
Maybe the most unappealing
person I've ever met. Truly.
It's almost like she was made
in a lab by Dr. Frankenstein.
He took the worst aspects of ten
different people and put 'em into her.
So you gotta become
the groom of Frankenstein
to get rid of this f*cking actress?
What an appealing prospect.
Frankenstein, and then he had
the bride of Frankenstein.
- I don't know if he had any children.
- How can Frankenstein have a kid?
No. Dr. Frankenstein made love
to f*cking the bride of Frankenstein,
and he had a f*cking kid, I guess.
No, that's not what happened.
Dr. Frankenstein didn't f*ck
the monster bride.
How you make a woman like that
and not tap it? How?
Well, I mean,
that's another question.
Yeah, think about that.
She's right there. You made her.
- Hello.
- Hey, LD!
- It's Jimmy from the golf club.
- Hey, Jimmy. What's up?
Hey, so I know you have
that standing lesson on Monday,
but you remember Saul Berman?
He had the heart attack.
His widow wants to come in
for a golf lesson,
and all she can do is Monday.
And I was hoping
I could slide you over.
- She's a widow and all, so...
- Sure, I understand.
Widow priority and all.
Yeah, I get it.
- Can you do Tuesday?
- Tuesday?
Not great.
it's election day and...
If you got nothing else,
Tuesday, what time?
Four o'clock's all I got.
All right, see you Tuesday. Bye.
Really hate giving up that time slot.
Can't a m*therf*cker live a life?
- Sometimes, no.
- She's a widow.
But that golf,
that's white man problems.
Yeah. We have golf.
You have voting.
Nope, nope, nope.
- Now, these...
- Perfect.
These go in the "what were
you thinking" column.
Asa, you need to pick a pair.
We need to move on.
I can't just pick a pair.
I need to feel it.
You have choices here.
Pick a pair of f*cking glasses.
I'll tell you what.
Put these in the maybes.
- They're the ones, all right?
- In the maybe pile.
In the maybe pile?
Just give me a moment.
We're gonna find 'em!
Larry, I can't do it.
Can't work with that kid.
He's driving me nuts.
Like I told you,
he's a f*cked-up kid,
he got sexually abused, I hear.
Well, about that. I did my research,
and it turns out that little Asa there,
when he was a -year-old kid,
was taken advantage of
by the beautiful -year-old
Adrianna Amante,
the Italian actress.
- f*ckin' smoke show! Stunning!
- That's the trauma?
- Yeah, apparently.
- I read about that.
And not only that, but he got
grand as a payoff.
- That was him?
- Yeah.
Formerly known as Andy.
Were you as lucky at , to be taken
advantage of by a supermodel?
Yeah, right. I was traumatized
because I didn't have any sex at all.
I couldn't f*cking
pay a woman to touch me!
I'm gonna go talk to him.
- And take the glasses.
- Yeah.
And talk to him about
what glasses Larry would wear.
- Yeah, okay.
- Lucky little fucker.
- Hey, Larry.
- Good to see you, Larry.
Having some problems
picking out glasses?
Yeah, it's a conundrum.
Yeah, I'll bet. You're really
giving Stan a hard time.
You're acting like
kind of an assh*le.
There could be a justification for it,
because I know how traumatized
you were
from that horrible incident
you had when you were
and sexually abused by a beautiful,
luscious, voluptuous Italian movie star.
Oh, my God.
I can't even imagine...
- No, you can't. It was so hard.
- Let me ask you a question.
How did that work exactly?
Did she get you in a headlock?
It was a mental headlock.
All right, cut the shit. Okay?
You were years old.
If a cactus touched your penis,
you would've been thrilled
at that age. Okay?
What if you were
in high school, huh?
And you slept with an older, famous
actress, how would people treat you?
They would've named
the high school after me.
Okay.
Hello?
Is this Councilwoman Irma Kostroski?
Yeah, it is.
This is Larry David calling.
What do you want, Larry?
I was wondering perhaps if you might
wanna get a cup of coffee.
Well, today I'm canvassing
for Jimmy Mayhew.
You're welcome to join me.
I'd love to.
I'm really looking forward to it.
Okay, goodbye.
Good afternoon.
My name is Irma Kostroski,
and we are here
to get this man elected
as the next mayor of Santa Monica,
it's Jimmy Mayhew.
- Wonderful candidate.
- He's pro-environment.
He loves fresh air.
He's gonna solve
the homeless problem.
He's gonna make 'em homed.
Where does he stand
on the issues?
You can't say "Happy New Year"
after January th.
I like that. Very smart. Last year
I got a Happy New Year
during Black History Month.
What else?
No child under ten
allowed in restaurants.
- Now that's awesome.
- You love that?
He's very strong
on environmental issues.
- Really? Like what?
- He respects wood.
- I like that a lot.
- Good.
A pin for you.
I might just have
to put it on right now.
- Appreciate you guys.
- One more thing.
He's eliminating hand shaking.
He's my man!
A lot of the stuff
you're saying isn't true.
What, are you kidding?
He ate it up!
Yeah, well,
stick to the script, okay?
- Yes?
- How do you do?
We're canvassing
for Jimmy Mayhew.
You know, he's for fresh air.
He loves fresh air.
He likes to breathe in fresh air.
And how about this?
He wants to get rid of the penny.
I'm all for that. However, I'm in the
middle of a book club meeting.
Is that Larry?
I hear your voice!
I know it's you!
What're you doing here?
- Could you believe this?
- Hi.
With Irma. Hi, Irma.
How are you?
- You're in a book club?
- Yes.
Why is that so surprising?
What do you think, we don't read?
- What are you reading?
- The Sound and the Fury.
- You two are reading Faulkner?
- Yes, we are. What?
You're the only
intellectual of the bunch?
- What, you got the Cliff Notes, huh?
- What are you doing?
We're canvassing
for Jimmy Mayhew.
Didn't you tell me the other day
that you would never canvass?
No, I wouldn't canvass with you
because you turn people off,
and I didn't want you to turn
people off.
He's doing a good job.
So you're going door to door
to strangers' homes?
- Yes.
- That's weird.
Because you don't even like people.
Well, I hate people individually,
but I love mankind.
You do?
He's very interested
in local politics.
- He called me.
- I'm sorry.
Did you say that Larry called you
and asked if he could volunteer?
Irma, we should really get going.
We got a lot of houses to...
I know that you don't care
about people,
and you don't give a shit
about politics.
Well, you know,
maybe when I was married to you,
you held me back from the person
I really wanted to be.
What's on your sweatshirt?
A pin for Mayhew.
You hate pins 'cause they make
holes in your sweater.
- Well, it's a thin pin.
- A thin pin.
Anyway, let's leave them
to Faulkner.
What's wrong with Faulkner?
You have a great interest
in turn-of-the-century Mississippi.
- I do!
- Well, you enjoy your book.
I don't need a club to read
a book, but...
Thank you very much for your time.
Come along, we have to go.
What are you doing?
What the f*ck is going on?
- Goodbye.
- Get the f*ck outta here!
What the hell's going on?
- You can't ask to use the bathroom.
- What am I supposed to do?
Listen, you never pee
when you canvass.
Good afternoon!
We are campaigning
for Jimmy Mayhew
for Santa Monica Mayor.
Larry? I'm Stan's wife!
Stan, prop master on your show.
Really? Oh, my God.
You live here?
- Yes.
- That's amazing!
f*cking rat poison!
Has to be vegan, of course.
You know how hard
they are to find in the Valley?
I'm worried sick about him.
- That's your husband?
- Yeah.
He's having a lot of trouble
with a young actor on your show.
He's wanting some snack
for a scene.
He's got my Stanley running around
all over town like a blue-arsed fly.
He didn't even
give me gas money!
Do you think you can come in
and have a quick word with him?
- Yeah, of course.
- Okay. Thanks, Larry.
Hey, Stan.
- Larry.
- Hey.
- Welcome to puff paradise.
- What's going on?
Ditch the kid, Lar.
He's had me drive all over town
for the last two days, okay?
Everything I give him, he just rejects.
He rejected these because
he said they were too ' s.
And he's looking for a ' s vibe.
These ones here are too salty.
Too spicy. These?
Not vegan, or too vegan.
Too vegan? What does
too f*cking vegan mean, Larry?
- He's such an assh*le, Stan.
- And it's everything else.
The pens, the cups. He wants
the cups to be dolphin-friendly.
What the f*ck does that
even mean, Larry? It's crazy!
And if he flicks his fingers
at me one more time,
I'm telling you now, man,
I'll shove those fingers
so far up his arse,
they'll pop out of his mouth
and he can use them
as a hand puppet.
- Oh, boy!
- Ridiculous.
So I have a backup, Larry.
Okay? Zero calories in these.
He's gotta love these.
Look, they look like something
from f*cking Starsky and Hutch.
Seventies written all over that, Lar.
He can't reject those.
If he turns these f*ckers down,
I will f*cking strangle him!
So, it turns out he did
this movie when he was ,
and had sex in her trailer.
- He was ?
- He claimed that he was abused.
And got a -dollar settlement,
and now he's playing the victim!
- This was his luckiest day of his life.
- He's ungrateful.
This little m*therf*cker got a piece
of ass, which is priceless.
Then he got dollars
on top of that shit?
And the movie paid him.
He got paid three f*cking times,
and he still complains.
How old were you
when you first got laid?
Fourteen years old.
So if you were in the Boy Scouts, you
would've got your intercourse badge.
f*ck, yeah. My first time tapping
wasn't some gorgeous-ass actress.
It was this lady that made
donuts and shit, donut shop.
You don't see me
coming back years later,
asking for dollars
in donuts.
I could've.
Cream-filled, jelly. All that shit.
I tapped the lady that made
the holes, you understand?
Hi there. Good afternoon.
Before I take your order,
I wanna let you know that
we do have a special today.
There's a fresh Maine lobster,
and there's only a few left.
- Drawn butter, lemon.
- I know who loves that.
Yeah, sounds pretty, pretty,
pretty good.
I'll take one, and could you
go in and secure it for me?
You got it. Absolutely.
I'll be right back.
Dig this, after we eat lunch,
I'm gonna go vote for the mayor,
so I don't have to wait
on all those lines after.
- That's not a bad idea.
- Someone wanna come with me?
I can't. I got a golf lesson.
Berman's widow took my time
yesterday, so I gotta do it today.
What was I gonna do?
It's the widow, right?
Mr. David, I am so sorry.
I know you were interested
in the lobster special,
but by the time I got back
to the kitchen,
we only had one order left,
so we decided to give it
to another diner.
- What? Who?
- Mrs. Berman.
I don't know if you know,
she's a recent widow.
- We have other delicious dishes.
- Wait a second.
That woman?
Yes. Mrs. Berman,
there in the black.
That's Ruth Berman!
She's not the widow.
She's Berman's ex-wife.
They've been divorced
for ten years.
She's as much a widow
as I'm a widow.
Yeah. She took my golf lesson
yesterday by claiming she's a widow,
and now she's got my lobster?
- It's not right.
- He's off. This is good.
We thought you wouldn't come.
Larry!
- How's the lobster?
- It's wonderful.
- You really should try it sometime.
- So happy to hear that.
- And how are you doing, Ruth?
- Actually, not really well.
This experience of losing
the love of my life
has been the hardest thing
I've ever gone through.
- It must be so awful.
- You have no idea.
And yet you managed to have
a golf lesson yesterday.
Saul would've wanted me to do that.
- Absolutely.
- He loved me, Larry.
And I adored this man.
You have no idea.
I'm on to you, Ruth Berman.
You're saying you're a widow
to get widow privileges.
- Excuse me?
- You're not a widow, okay?
- You're the ex-wife of a dead man.
- What's wrong with you?
She just lost her husband!
She lost him when he caught her having
an affair with a tennis instructor.
This is very painful, Larry.
Please. What an actress!
Give me a break!
Boy, look at this. Geez.
It's ridiculous.
It's not even moving.
Yeah. I had to move my golf lesson
or I would've been here much earlier,
if not for this so-called widow.
- Thank you for voting.
- No, thanks. I'm good.
- Take the pin.
- It makes a hole in my jacket.
- It's a thin pin.
- Thin pin? You give me that line?
I've used that line myself.
No such thing as a thin pin, okay?
- It doesn't exist.
- Didn't hurt.
- You happy?
- Very happy.
Hey, hey, everybody,
I voted. Look at me!
- Larry!
- Hey!
Hey, look at you!
You changed your pin policy.
No, I didn't change my pin policy,
I succumbed to pin pressure.
- I'm human.
- Well, listen.
I've been taking these glasses out
for a little test run.
- I see. Look at that.
- They're no good.
We gotta get rid of the prop guy.
- Get rid of Stan?
- Yeah. He's very difficult.
You know what?
You're driving him crazy.
I'm not here to make friends.
I'm here to make art.
Well, he's gonna have
a nervous breakdown,
and it's gonna be real trauma,
not like the fake trauma
that you went through. Okay?
That's where you're gonna go?
It was real trauma.
I suffered very, very real abuse.
Hey, what are you doing?
Larry, what are you doing?
- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.
- How old are you?
- Eighteen.
If a woman who looks like this
was interested in you,
what would you say?
Yeah, I'd like that.
And what if she touched you
down there?
Down there?
f*ck yeah.
And what if she invited you back
to her apartment to have sex with her,
and then she gave you dollars?
- Who wouldn't take that?
- Who wouldn't take that?
Sign me up.
Thank you.
Is she here?
When's this happening?
Don't be an idiot.
No. Of course not.
Can I ask you a personal question?
- What?
- Who are you voting for?
Reimenschneider.
- You're voting for Reimenschneider?
- Yeah.
I have a proposition for you.
I'm voting for Mayhew.
We kinda cancel each other out.
You know, this line?
Why don't we get
the hell outta here?
- I like it.
- Beautiful! Let's go.
- Pleasure.
- Yeah.
Hi, everybody. Welcome back
to KTLA 's coverage
of election night across the Southland.
Let's take you now to Santa Monica,
where Jimmy Mayhew and
the incumbent Jay Reimenschneider
are neck-and-neck at this point.
Take a look at these numbers.
With percent of the vote in,
only votes separate
these two candidates.
We're good. We got this.
So, Larry, I hear you're one
of my husband's biggest supporters.
Councilwoman Irma tells me
that you were out with her
just really canvassing
and knocking on doors.
Enjoyed every moment of it.
Met some wonderful people.
- And I think we changed some minds.
- I think so too.
So nice to catch up with you both.
I'm gonna go check on Jimmy.
You've got nothing to worry about.
It's gonna be great.
- He's got this.
- The groundswell is there.
There's such a feeling going.
Isn't she lovely?
They're just such lovely,
lovely, lovely people, Angela.
- And the family...
- The family, my God.
- Those children are so polite.
- Those kids.
Have you ever seen kids
so gorgeous in your life?
- Everyone was lovely.
- Lovely.
I gotta eat something.
I'm so nervous, my...
I gotta get rid of that gas bubble.
- You want a samosa?
- No, thank you.
- Mini quiche?
- Nah.
- Crudité?
- No, thank you. I'm good.
Hey.
Hey.
So, you're dating
the councilwoman now, huh?
I wouldn't say dating. I would say
I'm exploring the situation.
Really? You said she was
the most obnoxious woman alive.
I stand by that statement.
And yet for some reason,
I'm inexplicably drawn
to that which repels me.
You're so full of shit. You're up
to something. I know you too well.
- I can't find love?
- Don't make me laugh.
The results are in for the Santa Monica
mayoral contest, and wow.
With percent of the precincts
reporting,
the winner is Jay Reimenschneider.
Oh, my God!
With all precincts in now, it appears
as if Mayhew lost by one vote.
Oh, my God.
One vote?
That's historical.
Whatever lazy piece of shit
didn't bother to vote
is gonna have a hard time
sleeping tonight.
- How you lose by one vote?
- This is ridiculous.
So, if anybody out there decided
not to vote today for whatever reason,
you could've changed
the future of our city.
So true.
One vote makes a difference.
- It's outrageous!
- How do you lose by one vote?
I know!
I know how we lost by one vote.
Larry David thought
the line was too long.
- So he didn't vote.
- You didn't vote?
Is that true, Larry?
- No, that's not true.
- I watched the whole thing.
I watched you walk away
from the line,
and throw your voting pin
in the trash can.
Isn't that right, Larry?
Let me explain what happened, okay?
- One damn vote.
- No! Let me explain!
All the canvassing.
I don't believe it.
I made a deal
with a Reimenschneider voter.
You don't care
about Santa Monica.
- You only care about yourself!
- No! I made a deal!
The line was so long,
so we both decided to leave,
because we would cancel each other
out, so it didn't make a difference.
- I call bullshit.
- Absolutely selfish.
The family is lovely,
just lovely people.
Fry him! Fry him! Get him!
What's the difference who voted?
He would've lost anyway.
It's not my fault.
It was that f*cking widow,
Ruth Berman!
Once in a lifetime,
a politician comes along
who's not a politician,
who's a person
who cares about our community.
And that man is here with us today.
Please welcome the next mayor
of Santa Monica, Jimmy Mayhew!
Thank you for that very nice
introduction, Susie.
You know, you can sit here,
but you can't go to Broadway
when I'm selling out
show after show for ten weeks.
We have
an obligation imbalance, okay?
'Cause I don't do anything
to invite you to,
but you do things
to invite me to.
I offered you opera seats.
You mean up there on the side,
looking down?
- Mussolini's view.
- The Mussolini view?
- Yeah, those are good.
- I said, "Myoo-solini".
- You said, "Muss-olini".
- It's not "Myoo-solini" like muesli.
It's not like a cereal.
I confuse it with Mucilex.
I take that for my coughs.
Now, as a resident of Santa Monica,
I wanna give everyone in Santa Monica
the ability to achieve higher education.
You never call me.
You always pick the restaurants.
Are we married? I don't understand.
Am I dating you?
You hate people.
Your wardrobe sucks.
My wardrobe?
You're talking about my wardrobe?
Yeah, put this wardrobe down.
I'm one of the best-dressed
comics that ever lived.
You're the worst-dressed
person I've ever seen.
I can't even look at you.
I get depressed.
When are you gonna die?
Will you please die?
As you know,
we have an election coming up.
And the incumbent,
Jay Reimenschneider,
entered the office of mayor
with great aspirations,
but he failed to deliver
for the people of Santa Monica.
I will not fail. I have many goals.
That's the guy who's in
my new show.
Young Larry. He's playing me,
when I was in my s.
Would you mind tapping him?
- Would you tap him?
- No.
- Excuse me, could you...
- What?
Just tap him on the shoulder.
I wanna get his attention for a second.
Maybe he does not want to be tapped.
Believe me, he wants to be tapped.
And if he knew that I was here,
trying to tap him and unable to tap him
he'd be upset.
I do not like being tapped,
and I will not tap a stranger.
- Could you two please be quiet?
- Why don't you be quiet?
You two have been talking,
and talking. Stop!
You're the one talking.
- You're talking.
- You're talking.
No, you're talking,
and you keep talking!
Where'd you get that dress anyway,
at a substitute teacher
designer warehouse?
Just stop. You mid-level celebrities,
you think you're so smart
with all your banter. Just stop!
They won't shut up.
Health and safety are the cornerstones
of a great democracy.
They are the foundation of the house
where the American dream lives.
And to me, the American dream
means that every person...
- Don't tap me again.
- Don't worry, turn around.
- Don't touch me again.
- I'm not touching you.
I need your vote. Thank you.
- Larry!
- Asa!
Asa, soon to be young Larry.
- Soon to be young Larry, yeah.
- I am so excited for the table read.
Table read tomorrow. Yeah.
- Why don't you take a pin?
- No, I don't wear pins.
No? But you might change
one person's mind,
and how incredible
would that be, Larry?
Let me ask you a question.
You see somebody
in a hat that says,
"St. Petersburg, Florida"
do you wanna go there?
- As artists...
- As what?
We have an obligation.
Let me tell you something.
Non-pros, there's nothing
they love more
than when actors tell them
what they think.
What a mouthful.
- It's really great running into you.
- Yeah, good to see ya.
And if there's anything I can tell you
about myself, feel free to ask.
I'm an open book.
An open bad book,
that after ten pages
you'll put down, okay?
You forgot your pin, by the way.
I'll pick it up later. Leave it.
- I thought you did well.
- Yes.
But can I just say a word
to you, that's important to me?
Hey. The hell was that?
- The disruptive behavior?
- I'm sorry.
I was just trying to get in touch with
the guy sitting two rows in front of me.
That woman, who is she?
In the maroon?
She's just the worst.
Irma Kostroski.
She's a city councilwoman,
very powerful.
The most hideous
disagreeable person.
She's just awful.
I'm friends with her daughter,
who's lovely, but...
She's repugnant.
Go mingle.
Maybe you'll meet a nice woman.
- By the way, great job here.
- Thank you.
- And your speech was terrific.
- Thank you, Lar.
Under no circumstances
are you living with him!
Yeah, that's what you think.
Who lives with
his -year-old uncle?
- I do.
- Why can't you be normal?
I'm perfectly normal.
Marcia, am I normal?
- My mother thinks you're mental!
- Really?
Yes. She told me!
Why are you telling me?
Well, why not?
You're not living with Moe.
Just try a little dark meat.
Why don't you all...
That's my line.
Why don't you all just mind
your own g*dd*mn business?
He's my son. He's my business.
Well, why don't we get
some other opinions, okay?
Marcia, do you think
it's her business?
I've seen the apartment,
and it's really nice.
And I'm sure I'll be spending
a lot of time there.
So you can see why
this is a toughie.
- I've had enough.
- Look at the mess you've made.
- Go to hell, Rosie.
- No, you go.
Hey. What'd I tell you
about Ted Danson, huh?
- Yeah, you were right.
- A real mechayeh.
- He's what? What's that?
- He's a mechayeh, he's a pleasure.
On-screen, off-screen,
he's the best.
- Listen, I wanna talk to you...
- I know what you're gonna say.
Okay. I saw the tape.
It was like night and day.
What happened to her?
Well, some people aren't good
at read-throughs. She was nervous.
Once she starts rehearsing,
she'll be different.
- I'll fix it.
- Yeah, I trust you.
All right, fellas, let's go.
The script is great, by the way.
- Boy...
- What are we gonna do?
- Do you have any ideas?
- Yeah. sh**t her.
- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah.
- Got something I wanna run by ya.
- Hey, put this on my chair.
What's up?
Something's really been
weighing me down.
- Really? What's going on?
- I'm having a really difficult time.
I had a props guy pull the mugs.
You see what
I'm dealing with here?
What lackluster assortment
we got going on here.
They're mugs.
What's wrong with them?
I feel these mugs,
they're not true.
I've been spending
a lot of time as Larry.
And I feel like I know him
more intimately than anybody.
I just think coffee
was a really important thing for you.
- It wasn't important at all, Asa!
- Would you mind calling me Larry?
Okay. It wasn't important
at all, Larry.
I'm an actor, okay?
If anything rings as disingenuous,
I can't fake it. I can't pretend.
Isn't that what actors do?
They fake it?
I think Stella Adler
would beg to differ.
Look, look at this.
This isn't a real deli.
This is a fake deli, okay?
- I did a play my junior year...
- Okay, spare me.
- You know what? Larry...
- Thank you, Larry.
I will talk to Stan. We'll have
five new cups for you tomorrow.
- Thank you, Larry.
- You're welcome, Larry.
- Good talking to you, Larry.
- Yeah, you too, Larry.
- Really, Larry?
- Did you catch this?
I did.
Can you believe that kid?
He's rejecting everything
I'm putting in front of him.
He's the biggest mug here,
if you ask me.
Maybe we need
to cut him some slack.
I heard something.
I don't know if it's true or not,
but somebody told me
that he was sexually abused
as a young actor
when he was or something.
Okay.
So, Stan,
I know it's a pain in the ass.
Get five more.
I'll get five more
for little prick Larry.
And if he rejects those,
I can tell you where it'll end up.
- We're drawing a line there, okay?
- All right, Stan. Okay.
Thanks, Larry.
Unequivocally, the worst acting
I've ever seen. Ever!
- Who talks that way?
- Every sentence is different.
One sentence isn't attached
to the one before. Did you notice that?
Lilly Collins's manager...
They were really interested in this.
- She was?
- Yeah.
You shouldn't have
even told me that.
- What good did that do?
- It does no good at all.
Hey, Lar. What'd you think of Mayhew
the other day, huh?
- Fantastic, isn't he?
- He was all right.
All right? The man's gonna be
president, Larry. Trust me.
President?
That's a little much, isn't it?
You should get in good with him.
Why don't you canvass?
Larry, you could do
some canvassing with Susie.
- Yeah!
- Knocking on doors?
- Yeah.
- Are you out of your mind?
What am I,
a Fuller Brush salesman?
And you don't change
anybody's mind anyway.
Hey, you got
the basketball package, right?
Yeah.
He's gonna make
a difference in this city.
He's gonna get the city council
to repeal that ordinance
that people can have
chicken coops in their backyard.
- He's gonna repeal it?
- He's gonna try to get the votes.
- Repeal?
- What was that?
He promised me the other day,
he was gonna get the city council
to repeal the ordinance.
The city council can repeal laws,
and ordinances?
They make the law,
they can repeal the law.
It's just a matter of votes.
They gotta get the votes.
What was the name of that horrible,
horrible, obnoxious woman
who was sitting in front of me?
- The councilwoman.
- Irma Kostroski.
Irma Kostroski.
Divorced.
I think we need to implement
and enhance
some of these safety protocols
at the Pier and Palisades Park.
- Especially for our staff and...
- Seniors.
And seniors, yes.
It's like a dance with death
with those scooters for the seniors.
- And the ramp.
- Hey, Simon! Ramps!
- We have to talk about ramps.
- I am marking that down.
So, let's put that up to a vote.
All in favor?
- Aye.
- Aye.
Ayes have it. Fantastic.
We will put that on our schedule
and try to set up a time to try
to decide on the appointment
of those three members
of that committee.
Fantastic. This was
a very productive meeting.
I thank you all for your time.
Meeting is adjourned.
Excuse me.
- Do you remember me?
- Yes, I do.
I'm Larry David. I just wanna apologize
for my behavior at the fundraiser,
asking you to tap someone.
And you poked me.
Yeah. I'm really sorry
about that.
- It was disrespectful to Jimmy Mayhew.
- Disrespectful, and very rude.
Of course, all you had to do was just
touch the person in front of you.
Needless to say,
it doesn't matter. I was wrong.
Thank you for taking responsibility.
And by the way. This was
very enjoyable, this meeting.
Have you ever thought about
maybe running for senator,
or congresswoman?
What about a congresswoman?
I don't wanna move to DC.
Too cold.
But anyway, I have to go.
I gotta supervise a re-recording
of an earthquake emergency
announcement.
Boy, oh, boy.
You're doing great, great work.
We the people are appreciative,
Ms. Kostroski.
Well, call me Irma.
- Irma! What a beautiful name!
- Thank you.
But don't tell me
it's with an "E".
- No, an I. I have to go.
- All right. Okay.
I'm so sorry.
Gas here, you know?
- I get a bubble.
- You get a bubble...
- Larry with a Y.
- Yeah, funny.
It wasn't meant to be funny.
I'm just checking.
Yeah, but it was. It was funny.
Larry with a Y, funny.
Oh, boy!
Maybe the most unappealing
person I've ever met. Truly.
It's almost like she was made
in a lab by Dr. Frankenstein.
He took the worst aspects of ten
different people and put 'em into her.
So you gotta become
the groom of Frankenstein
to get rid of this f*cking actress?
What an appealing prospect.
Frankenstein, and then he had
the bride of Frankenstein.
- I don't know if he had any children.
- How can Frankenstein have a kid?
No. Dr. Frankenstein made love
to f*cking the bride of Frankenstein,
and he had a f*cking kid, I guess.
No, that's not what happened.
Dr. Frankenstein didn't f*ck
the monster bride.
How you make a woman like that
and not tap it? How?
Well, I mean,
that's another question.
Yeah, think about that.
She's right there. You made her.
- Hello.
- Hey, LD!
- It's Jimmy from the golf club.
- Hey, Jimmy. What's up?
Hey, so I know you have
that standing lesson on Monday,
but you remember Saul Berman?
He had the heart attack.
His widow wants to come in
for a golf lesson,
and all she can do is Monday.
And I was hoping
I could slide you over.
- She's a widow and all, so...
- Sure, I understand.
Widow priority and all.
Yeah, I get it.
- Can you do Tuesday?
- Tuesday?
Not great.
it's election day and...
If you got nothing else,
Tuesday, what time?
Four o'clock's all I got.
All right, see you Tuesday. Bye.
Really hate giving up that time slot.
Can't a m*therf*cker live a life?
- Sometimes, no.
- She's a widow.
But that golf,
that's white man problems.
Yeah. We have golf.
You have voting.
Nope, nope, nope.
- Now, these...
- Perfect.
These go in the "what were
you thinking" column.
Asa, you need to pick a pair.
We need to move on.
I can't just pick a pair.
I need to feel it.
You have choices here.
Pick a pair of f*cking glasses.
I'll tell you what.
Put these in the maybes.
- They're the ones, all right?
- In the maybe pile.
In the maybe pile?
Just give me a moment.
We're gonna find 'em!
Larry, I can't do it.
Can't work with that kid.
He's driving me nuts.
Like I told you,
he's a f*cked-up kid,
he got sexually abused, I hear.
Well, about that. I did my research,
and it turns out that little Asa there,
when he was a -year-old kid,
was taken advantage of
by the beautiful -year-old
Adrianna Amante,
the Italian actress.
- f*ckin' smoke show! Stunning!
- That's the trauma?
- Yeah, apparently.
- I read about that.
And not only that, but he got
grand as a payoff.
- That was him?
- Yeah.
Formerly known as Andy.
Were you as lucky at , to be taken
advantage of by a supermodel?
Yeah, right. I was traumatized
because I didn't have any sex at all.
I couldn't f*cking
pay a woman to touch me!
I'm gonna go talk to him.
- And take the glasses.
- Yeah.
And talk to him about
what glasses Larry would wear.
- Yeah, okay.
- Lucky little fucker.
- Hey, Larry.
- Good to see you, Larry.
Having some problems
picking out glasses?
Yeah, it's a conundrum.
Yeah, I'll bet. You're really
giving Stan a hard time.
You're acting like
kind of an assh*le.
There could be a justification for it,
because I know how traumatized
you were
from that horrible incident
you had when you were
and sexually abused by a beautiful,
luscious, voluptuous Italian movie star.
Oh, my God.
I can't even imagine...
- No, you can't. It was so hard.
- Let me ask you a question.
How did that work exactly?
Did she get you in a headlock?
It was a mental headlock.
All right, cut the shit. Okay?
You were years old.
If a cactus touched your penis,
you would've been thrilled
at that age. Okay?
What if you were
in high school, huh?
And you slept with an older, famous
actress, how would people treat you?
They would've named
the high school after me.
Okay.
Hello?
Is this Councilwoman Irma Kostroski?
Yeah, it is.
This is Larry David calling.
What do you want, Larry?
I was wondering perhaps if you might
wanna get a cup of coffee.
Well, today I'm canvassing
for Jimmy Mayhew.
You're welcome to join me.
I'd love to.
I'm really looking forward to it.
Okay, goodbye.
Good afternoon.
My name is Irma Kostroski,
and we are here
to get this man elected
as the next mayor of Santa Monica,
it's Jimmy Mayhew.
- Wonderful candidate.
- He's pro-environment.
He loves fresh air.
He's gonna solve
the homeless problem.
He's gonna make 'em homed.
Where does he stand
on the issues?
You can't say "Happy New Year"
after January th.
I like that. Very smart. Last year
I got a Happy New Year
during Black History Month.
What else?
No child under ten
allowed in restaurants.
- Now that's awesome.
- You love that?
He's very strong
on environmental issues.
- Really? Like what?
- He respects wood.
- I like that a lot.
- Good.
A pin for you.
I might just have
to put it on right now.
- Appreciate you guys.
- One more thing.
He's eliminating hand shaking.
He's my man!
A lot of the stuff
you're saying isn't true.
What, are you kidding?
He ate it up!
Yeah, well,
stick to the script, okay?
- Yes?
- How do you do?
We're canvassing
for Jimmy Mayhew.
You know, he's for fresh air.
He loves fresh air.
He likes to breathe in fresh air.
And how about this?
He wants to get rid of the penny.
I'm all for that. However, I'm in the
middle of a book club meeting.
Is that Larry?
I hear your voice!
I know it's you!
What're you doing here?
- Could you believe this?
- Hi.
With Irma. Hi, Irma.
How are you?
- You're in a book club?
- Yes.
Why is that so surprising?
What do you think, we don't read?
- What are you reading?
- The Sound and the Fury.
- You two are reading Faulkner?
- Yes, we are. What?
You're the only
intellectual of the bunch?
- What, you got the Cliff Notes, huh?
- What are you doing?
We're canvassing
for Jimmy Mayhew.
Didn't you tell me the other day
that you would never canvass?
No, I wouldn't canvass with you
because you turn people off,
and I didn't want you to turn
people off.
He's doing a good job.
So you're going door to door
to strangers' homes?
- Yes.
- That's weird.
Because you don't even like people.
Well, I hate people individually,
but I love mankind.
You do?
He's very interested
in local politics.
- He called me.
- I'm sorry.
Did you say that Larry called you
and asked if he could volunteer?
Irma, we should really get going.
We got a lot of houses to...
I know that you don't care
about people,
and you don't give a shit
about politics.
Well, you know,
maybe when I was married to you,
you held me back from the person
I really wanted to be.
What's on your sweatshirt?
A pin for Mayhew.
You hate pins 'cause they make
holes in your sweater.
- Well, it's a thin pin.
- A thin pin.
Anyway, let's leave them
to Faulkner.
What's wrong with Faulkner?
You have a great interest
in turn-of-the-century Mississippi.
- I do!
- Well, you enjoy your book.
I don't need a club to read
a book, but...
Thank you very much for your time.
Come along, we have to go.
What are you doing?
What the f*ck is going on?
- Goodbye.
- Get the f*ck outta here!
What the hell's going on?
- You can't ask to use the bathroom.
- What am I supposed to do?
Listen, you never pee
when you canvass.
Good afternoon!
We are campaigning
for Jimmy Mayhew
for Santa Monica Mayor.
Larry? I'm Stan's wife!
Stan, prop master on your show.
Really? Oh, my God.
You live here?
- Yes.
- That's amazing!
f*cking rat poison!
Has to be vegan, of course.
You know how hard
they are to find in the Valley?
I'm worried sick about him.
- That's your husband?
- Yeah.
He's having a lot of trouble
with a young actor on your show.
He's wanting some snack
for a scene.
He's got my Stanley running around
all over town like a blue-arsed fly.
He didn't even
give me gas money!
Do you think you can come in
and have a quick word with him?
- Yeah, of course.
- Okay. Thanks, Larry.
Hey, Stan.
- Larry.
- Hey.
- Welcome to puff paradise.
- What's going on?
Ditch the kid, Lar.
He's had me drive all over town
for the last two days, okay?
Everything I give him, he just rejects.
He rejected these because
he said they were too ' s.
And he's looking for a ' s vibe.
These ones here are too salty.
Too spicy. These?
Not vegan, or too vegan.
Too vegan? What does
too f*cking vegan mean, Larry?
- He's such an assh*le, Stan.
- And it's everything else.
The pens, the cups. He wants
the cups to be dolphin-friendly.
What the f*ck does that
even mean, Larry? It's crazy!
And if he flicks his fingers
at me one more time,
I'm telling you now, man,
I'll shove those fingers
so far up his arse,
they'll pop out of his mouth
and he can use them
as a hand puppet.
- Oh, boy!
- Ridiculous.
So I have a backup, Larry.
Okay? Zero calories in these.
He's gotta love these.
Look, they look like something
from f*cking Starsky and Hutch.
Seventies written all over that, Lar.
He can't reject those.
If he turns these f*ckers down,
I will f*cking strangle him!
So, it turns out he did
this movie when he was ,
and had sex in her trailer.
- He was ?
- He claimed that he was abused.
And got a -dollar settlement,
and now he's playing the victim!
- This was his luckiest day of his life.
- He's ungrateful.
This little m*therf*cker got a piece
of ass, which is priceless.
Then he got dollars
on top of that shit?
And the movie paid him.
He got paid three f*cking times,
and he still complains.
How old were you
when you first got laid?
Fourteen years old.
So if you were in the Boy Scouts, you
would've got your intercourse badge.
f*ck, yeah. My first time tapping
wasn't some gorgeous-ass actress.
It was this lady that made
donuts and shit, donut shop.
You don't see me
coming back years later,
asking for dollars
in donuts.
I could've.
Cream-filled, jelly. All that shit.
I tapped the lady that made
the holes, you understand?
Hi there. Good afternoon.
Before I take your order,
I wanna let you know that
we do have a special today.
There's a fresh Maine lobster,
and there's only a few left.
- Drawn butter, lemon.
- I know who loves that.
Yeah, sounds pretty, pretty,
pretty good.
I'll take one, and could you
go in and secure it for me?
You got it. Absolutely.
I'll be right back.
Dig this, after we eat lunch,
I'm gonna go vote for the mayor,
so I don't have to wait
on all those lines after.
- That's not a bad idea.
- Someone wanna come with me?
I can't. I got a golf lesson.
Berman's widow took my time
yesterday, so I gotta do it today.
What was I gonna do?
It's the widow, right?
Mr. David, I am so sorry.
I know you were interested
in the lobster special,
but by the time I got back
to the kitchen,
we only had one order left,
so we decided to give it
to another diner.
- What? Who?
- Mrs. Berman.
I don't know if you know,
she's a recent widow.
- We have other delicious dishes.
- Wait a second.
That woman?
Yes. Mrs. Berman,
there in the black.
That's Ruth Berman!
She's not the widow.
She's Berman's ex-wife.
They've been divorced
for ten years.
She's as much a widow
as I'm a widow.
Yeah. She took my golf lesson
yesterday by claiming she's a widow,
and now she's got my lobster?
- It's not right.
- He's off. This is good.
We thought you wouldn't come.
Larry!
- How's the lobster?
- It's wonderful.
- You really should try it sometime.
- So happy to hear that.
- And how are you doing, Ruth?
- Actually, not really well.
This experience of losing
the love of my life
has been the hardest thing
I've ever gone through.
- It must be so awful.
- You have no idea.
And yet you managed to have
a golf lesson yesterday.
Saul would've wanted me to do that.
- Absolutely.
- He loved me, Larry.
And I adored this man.
You have no idea.
I'm on to you, Ruth Berman.
You're saying you're a widow
to get widow privileges.
- Excuse me?
- You're not a widow, okay?
- You're the ex-wife of a dead man.
- What's wrong with you?
She just lost her husband!
She lost him when he caught her having
an affair with a tennis instructor.
This is very painful, Larry.
Please. What an actress!
Give me a break!
Boy, look at this. Geez.
It's ridiculous.
It's not even moving.
Yeah. I had to move my golf lesson
or I would've been here much earlier,
if not for this so-called widow.
- Thank you for voting.
- No, thanks. I'm good.
- Take the pin.
- It makes a hole in my jacket.
- It's a thin pin.
- Thin pin? You give me that line?
I've used that line myself.
No such thing as a thin pin, okay?
- It doesn't exist.
- Didn't hurt.
- You happy?
- Very happy.
Hey, hey, everybody,
I voted. Look at me!
- Larry!
- Hey!
Hey, look at you!
You changed your pin policy.
No, I didn't change my pin policy,
I succumbed to pin pressure.
- I'm human.
- Well, listen.
I've been taking these glasses out
for a little test run.
- I see. Look at that.
- They're no good.
We gotta get rid of the prop guy.
- Get rid of Stan?
- Yeah. He's very difficult.
You know what?
You're driving him crazy.
I'm not here to make friends.
I'm here to make art.
Well, he's gonna have
a nervous breakdown,
and it's gonna be real trauma,
not like the fake trauma
that you went through. Okay?
That's where you're gonna go?
It was real trauma.
I suffered very, very real abuse.
Hey, what are you doing?
Larry, what are you doing?
- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.
- How old are you?
- Eighteen.
If a woman who looks like this
was interested in you,
what would you say?
Yeah, I'd like that.
And what if she touched you
down there?
Down there?
f*ck yeah.
And what if she invited you back
to her apartment to have sex with her,
and then she gave you dollars?
- Who wouldn't take that?
- Who wouldn't take that?
Sign me up.
Thank you.
Is she here?
When's this happening?
Don't be an idiot.
No. Of course not.
Can I ask you a personal question?
- What?
- Who are you voting for?
Reimenschneider.
- You're voting for Reimenschneider?
- Yeah.
I have a proposition for you.
I'm voting for Mayhew.
We kinda cancel each other out.
You know, this line?
Why don't we get
the hell outta here?
- I like it.
- Beautiful! Let's go.
- Pleasure.
- Yeah.
Hi, everybody. Welcome back
to KTLA 's coverage
of election night across the Southland.
Let's take you now to Santa Monica,
where Jimmy Mayhew and
the incumbent Jay Reimenschneider
are neck-and-neck at this point.
Take a look at these numbers.
With percent of the vote in,
only votes separate
these two candidates.
We're good. We got this.
So, Larry, I hear you're one
of my husband's biggest supporters.
Councilwoman Irma tells me
that you were out with her
just really canvassing
and knocking on doors.
Enjoyed every moment of it.
Met some wonderful people.
- And I think we changed some minds.
- I think so too.
So nice to catch up with you both.
I'm gonna go check on Jimmy.
You've got nothing to worry about.
It's gonna be great.
- He's got this.
- The groundswell is there.
There's such a feeling going.
Isn't she lovely?
They're just such lovely,
lovely, lovely people, Angela.
- And the family...
- The family, my God.
- Those children are so polite.
- Those kids.
Have you ever seen kids
so gorgeous in your life?
- Everyone was lovely.
- Lovely.
I gotta eat something.
I'm so nervous, my...
I gotta get rid of that gas bubble.
- You want a samosa?
- No, thank you.
- Mini quiche?
- Nah.
- Crudité?
- No, thank you. I'm good.
Hey.
Hey.
So, you're dating
the councilwoman now, huh?
I wouldn't say dating. I would say
I'm exploring the situation.
Really? You said she was
the most obnoxious woman alive.
I stand by that statement.
And yet for some reason,
I'm inexplicably drawn
to that which repels me.
You're so full of shit. You're up
to something. I know you too well.
- I can't find love?
- Don't make me laugh.
The results are in for the Santa Monica
mayoral contest, and wow.
With percent of the precincts
reporting,
the winner is Jay Reimenschneider.
Oh, my God!
With all precincts in now, it appears
as if Mayhew lost by one vote.
Oh, my God.
One vote?
That's historical.
Whatever lazy piece of shit
didn't bother to vote
is gonna have a hard time
sleeping tonight.
- How you lose by one vote?
- This is ridiculous.
So, if anybody out there decided
not to vote today for whatever reason,
you could've changed
the future of our city.
So true.
One vote makes a difference.
- It's outrageous!
- How do you lose by one vote?
I know!
I know how we lost by one vote.
Larry David thought
the line was too long.
- So he didn't vote.
- You didn't vote?
Is that true, Larry?
- No, that's not true.
- I watched the whole thing.
I watched you walk away
from the line,
and throw your voting pin
in the trash can.
Isn't that right, Larry?
Let me explain what happened, okay?
- One damn vote.
- No! Let me explain!
All the canvassing.
I don't believe it.
I made a deal
with a Reimenschneider voter.
You don't care
about Santa Monica.
- You only care about yourself!
- No! I made a deal!
The line was so long,
so we both decided to leave,
because we would cancel each other
out, so it didn't make a difference.
- I call bullshit.
- Absolutely selfish.
The family is lovely,
just lovely people.
Fry him! Fry him! Get him!
What's the difference who voted?
He would've lost anyway.
It's not my fault.
It was that f*cking widow,
Ruth Berman!