07x24 - Helen, the Authoress

[bunniefuu]

I'm telling you,

I can't remember when
I ever had so much fun

at a lodge meeting.

A lot of laughs,
a lot of laughs.

I never knew

Howard sprague
could be so comical.

Yeah. Comical,
comical, comical.

And I was worried about him
being the master of ceremonies.

I didn't think he was
gonna be nothing at all.

I guess it was the way

that he told those jokes
with that straight face.

Real serious.

He never cracked
a smile.

Oh, and when he
told that one about...

Yeah!
Which one was that, Floyd?

It was the one about
the farmer and the cow.

Oh, yeah, yeah!

Oh, I-I-I was locking up
the receipts when he told that.

I must have missed that.
How'd that go?

Well, seems that
this farmer got up

earlier than usual
one morning to milk his cow.

Named Bess.

Uh...I'm telling
this story.

Well, tell it the way
Howard told it.

Anyway, what difference
does it make

what the cow's name was?

But anyway, it was still dark,

and the farmer started
to milk the cow,

see, while the cow
was still asleep.

And the cow...
Named Bess...

Named Bess!
She woke up with a start.

She turned around,
she saw the farmer,

and she said,
"thank heavens it's you!

I thought I was
being robbed!"

Hey!

Go on in, go on in.

Hey, look who's
here, huh?

Mayberry's number
one comedian.

Oh, come on, goober.

No, you were real
funny, Howard.

Well, I sure was
nervous up there.

Maybe that's what
made it so funny.

Howard, ever been any comedians
in your family?

No. No, not really,
although my uncle Carl

used to come out
with some good quips

from time to time.

Quips, quips.

I'll tell you
one thing...

You gonna be
in big demand

as a toastmaster
from now on.

Oh, well, I wouldn't say that.

Oh, no?

Well, there's talk
already.

It so happens Harry Blake
is gonna try to get you

for the annual high jinks
over at the elks.

Gee, that'd be sh**ting
pretty high, Floyd.

There's no limit to how far
a good comedian can go.

Ooh, and the money
you can make.

Well, gee, fellas, I still have
my job to do as county clerk.

You mean, this is the beginning
and the end of it all?

Well... I wouldn't say that.

If something interesting
came along...

Who knows?

"Who knows?"

Yeah. Better.

What's he playing, paw?

He said it was
"the blue danube waltz,"

so I guess
that's what it is.

Thank you, thank you,
Evan thorpe.

Gee, that was good.

Well, friends, this winds up

colonel Tim's talent time
for this week

and we certainly hope
you've enjoyed it

and that you'll be with us
next week at this same time.

Any of you folks out there

that would like to appear
on our program,

all you do is write to me,

colonel Tim,
station wasg in Raleigh,

and we'll see
that you get an audition.

You know, this could be
your stairway to stardom.

Why, this is the program

that launched
such television careers

and show business greats
as ozzie snake,

Rosa may Johnson,

and jughead Peters
and his aristocrats.

Well, it's bye for now
and bless you all.

Well, it wasn't much
of a show, was it, paw?

I don't think
ed Sullivan's

got anything
to worry about.

Oh, you're
just too critical.

After all,
it's an amateur program.

I think that boy soprano
sang "trees" beautifully.

Well...

What about the gentleman
from fayetteville

with all
those funny jokes?

Well, I'll tell you.

I'll take Howard
sprague any time.

Our Howard sprague?

Yeah.

I never heard
Mr. Sprague

say anything funny.

You would've if
you'd have been

at the lodge banquet.

Our Howard sprague?

Yeah.

He told one about this farmer...

Andy?

...and his cow.

Tell it, paw.

I can't tell it
as funny as he did.

Well, if he's
that good,

why doesn't he go on
colonel Tim's program?

Howard?

Yeah. You said
he was real great.

I might mention that to him.

Boy, just think... somebody
from Mayberry on the TV.

Yeah. Might put us
on the map, huh?

Yeah.

Oh.

Hi, ope.

Morning, Mr. Sprague.

What can I do for you?

Oh, I got to get
my bike license renewed.

Oh, we can take
care of that

in pretty short order.

My paw talked
to you about going

on colonel Tim's program?

Yes. Yes, he did, ope,
but I don't know.

Well, he said you were real
funny down at the lodge.

Well, it's a
little different

when you go on TV with
a statewide audience.

That's cents, ope.

Right.

I, uh, I have
been going

over some jokes
here, though.

Come here
and listen to this one.

"A man drove into a garage
and called to the mechanic,

'I've got a hole in my
radiator and it's leaking.'"

"'what's the big deal?'"
Said the mechanic.

"'If I a had hole
in my radiator,

it'd leak, too.'"

see what I mean?

Yeah.

Seems to me like
I ought to have

some kind of an angle

on the way to tell
the jokes or something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, Mr. Sprague,

I watch a lot of
television shows

with comedians on it,

and it seems like
most of 'em

tell jokes
about their wives and their kids

and the town they live in
and the people in the town,

stuff like that.

Oh, you mean
they sort of personalize it?

Yeah. I guess so.

Like if I was to tell
this mechanic joke

and put it onto goober.

Yeah. That's it.

It would sound
like it really happened.

Yeah.

Maybe that's the angle

I ought to use;

talk about
the people in Mayberry, huh?

Yeah.

Hey!

That's better, ope.
Sit down, sit down.

Shh.

Mr. Sprague
isn't on yet.

Yes, Opie,
but I know you

and potato chips.

We'll save that crunching
till after the show.

No, thank you.
I'm too nervous.

What are you
nervous about?

You're not gonna
be up there.

Goober, we're all gonna
be up there.

Tonight, Howard sprague
is Mayberry.

Andy, Andy,
is my tie all right?

Oh, your tie's fine.

You're gonna wear
out the design,

tying it and untying it.

I sure appreciate
you coming down here with me.

You can thank me with
an autographed picture

when you're
a big hit.

You're on next.
Bless you.

Andy, what's my first line?

"Thank you."

Thank you, colonel Tim.

Thank you, colonel Tim.

Thank you, Agnes Jean Babcock.

Isn't she a doll?

And now, friends,
our next discovery:

Here's a man who holds
the position of county clerk

and this, tonight,
is his television debut.

I know you're gonna enjoy
the merry madcap of Mayberry,

Howard sprague!

Hey, Howard!

There he is!

There's our Howard.

He looks just like
he does in person.

Notice how his hair
is showing up.

I gave him that trim
just before he left.

I waxed his car.

Thank you, captain Tom...

Colonel Tom...

Tim... sir.

What did I tell you?

He's got them
in the palm of his hand.

Well, uh, as you all heard,

I come from a small town
called Mayberry.

And when I say small,
it's so small,

they had to widen main street

to put a white line
down the middle.

I consider that
a very disparaging remark.

Oh, Clara.

Where's your sense
of humor, Clara?

Go get 'em, Howard.

I'd like to tell you

about some of my friends
in my hometown.

First of all,
there's Andy Taylor.

He's the sheriff,
and he's one

of the most
relaxed men I know.

Really likes
to take things easy.

As a matter of fact,

he has the only sheriff's office
in the whole state

with an unlisted
telephone number.

That was funny.

Not to me, it wasn't.

It made your father
look foolish.

Before I drove down here,

I had my car serviced
by my friend, goober, who runs

the gas station.

That's me!
He's talking about me!

Now, with goober being
a mechanic and all,

you'd assume
he'd be a careful driver,

but people say
when he takes a girl out

he drives with one hand.

I happen to know
that's not true...

He uses both hands

and drives with his feet.

That's not true.
I'm a careful driver.

It's just a joke, goob.

Then there's

my good friend
Floyd the barber.

Oh, I knew
he wouldn't forget old Floyd.

In Mayberry, there are three
main forms of communication:

Telephone, telegraph
and tell Floyd.

Is he calling me a bigmouth?

A customer came into the shop
one day.

He said, "Floyd, you ought
to take up violin lessons."

Floyd asked him, "why?"

He said, "well, it would give
your chin a rest."

He I calling me a bigmouth.

Why, where's your sense
of humor, Floyd?

Every town
has its social leaders,

and in Mayberry

they're aunt bee Taylor

and miss Clara Edwards.

That was nice of him.

Aunt bee's family came over
on the mayflower.

Of course, in those days,

the immigration laws
weren't so strict.

Well, I never.

Miss Edwards' family
goes way back, too.

Her father fought with pershing.

Her grandfather fought
with Teddy Roosevelt

and her great-grandfather fought
with general Lee.

Her folks couldn't get along
with anybody.

I've never been so humiliated
in my whole life.

What are you
complaining about?

He didn't call you
a bigmouth.

I thought
he was funny.

Well, thank heavens

there are still laws
in this country

to protect the innocent
from libel and slander.

I thought he was funny.

Congratulations, Howard.

Was I all right, Andy?

All right?
You were a riot.

When you get to Mayberry,

you're gonna be the toast
of the town.

Well, ready to greet
some of your fans?

Come on.

Well, morning,
Floyd, goob.

Here he is.

Morning, Andy.

Hey, Andy.

What's the matter
with you guys?

You watched him last
night, didn't you?

Oh, yes, I watched him.

You watched him, too,
didn't you, goob?

Yeah. I watched him.

Everybody watched him.

What's the matter?

What kind of
reception is this?

He was a big hit.

Colonel Tim wants him
on the show next week.

Oh, maybe you'll need
some new jokes

about the village bigmouth.

Maybe you'd like
for me to give you

some driving lessons
since I'm so careful.

You guys have got
to be kidding.

Goober, Floyd,
it was all

in the spirit
of fun.

I didn't mean anything
personal by it.

I don't know why
you're so chummy with him.

"The only sheriff's office
with an unlisted number."

Oh, boy.

That certainly made
our sheriff look smart.

I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it.

Look, fellas, if I hurt
your feelings, I'm sorry.

It was the farthest thing
from my mind.

The only reason I personalized
those jokes was because...

Let me put it this way.

Next time you need a haircut,
you can send your hair

to that poodle trimmer
in mt. Pilot.

Come on, Floyd.

Fellas, please.

Good day, Mr. Sprague.

Come on, Howard.

Come on.

Don't let those guys
get you down.

Let's drive
over to the house

for a cup of coffee, huh?

It's simply inexcusable
to try to be funny

at your friends' expense.

I didn't mind
his sarcastic references

to my social leadership,
but when he said

that my family,
whom he's never even met,

couldn't get
along with anyone

it was just
plain vicious.

Now, Howard, will you
stop worrying about it?

Yeah, but they're two
of my best friends, Andy.

Oh, they'll get over it.

Come on.

Oh, hi, ope.

Hi, paw.

Hi, Mr. Sprague.

Everything okay
here at home?

Fine, paw.

Gee, Mr. Sprague,
you were wonderful on the show.

Oh, thanks, ope.

You really liked it, huh?

Well, I laughed.

Hey, hear that, Andy?
Opie laughed.

Yeah.
You really laughed, huh?

Out loud.

How 'bout your aunt bee?

She's fine, thank you.

I believe Howard means

how did aunt bee
like him on the show?

Uh... well...

Aunt bee and miss Edwards
are just now talking about him.

Ooh, then I made an impression
on miss Edwards, too?

Oh, yeah.

We'd better
get in there.

Mr. Sprague?

Yeah, ope?

I thought you were real good.

Well, let's...

Well...

Here's the star.

Hello, Andy.
Hello, Andy.

Howard sprague, you should be
ashamed of yourself.

Aunt bee, where's
your sense of humor?

Oh, I lost it on the mayflower.

Aunt bee...

Miss Edwards,
I didn't realize.

I was just tryin' to...

Andy, you explain it
to them.

Do that, Andy.

Explain how anybody

dares ridicule one
of Mayberry's first families.

Howard didn't mean
anything by it.

He got his jokes
out of a joke book.

Nobody takes any of
that for the truth.

Is that so?

Well, my father
did happen to have

a little run-in
with general pershing.

And, Howard, your mother knew
the entire story.

That was just
a coincidence.

I got those jokes

out of a book
under "family humor."

Clara, another cookie?

No, thank you, bee.

I've suddenly lost
my appetite.

You can talk
all you want to, Andy,

but I'm not makin' up
with him.

After all, a man's got
his pride.

Well, would you think
about how Howard feels?

I don't care
how Howard feels.

Think about
how I feel.

I got feelings, too,
you know.

Goober, all Howard was trying
to do was tell a few jokes...

If you'll excuse me,
I've got to go to work.

Oh-ho, excuse me.

Ah, you must be...

You've got to be sheriff Taylor.

Huh?

That's right.

Well, I was just
passing through town.

I thought I'd drop
in and ask you

your unlisted
phone number.

You must've seen
colonel Tim's program

with Howard sprague.

Oh, it was great!

And you got
to be goober, right?

Goober

yeah.

Well, I was going
to drop over

and get some gas from you,

and I wanted
to ask you something.

You see, I got this girlfriend
that I take out.

You think you could teach me
to drive with my feet?

You makin' fun of me?

Makin' fun of...?

Oh, no, no, no.

I expect you're about

the best-known mechanic
in the state.

Well, yeah. I could be, at that,
couldn't I?

Oh, you're a real famous fella.

Bee! Bee!

The phone
has been going all day.

You have no idea
how many people

heard my name
mentioned on TV.

People I haven't heard of
for ages... Mabel pollock,

Billy sinsabaugh,
Charles humbold.

No!

Yes.

And the same thing's
been happening to me.

And look at that... a telegram
inviting me to address

the ladies' historical
society of summitville.

No?

I guess they heard

Mr. Sprague talking
about you on TV, huh?

We apparently
have achieved

a measure of fame.

Well, not that that's important.

No. No, of course not.

I, uh, heard your name
mentioned on television.

Say...

Let me tell you
about that.

That Howard sprague is
nothing but...

That's his name.

How does it feel
to be famous?

Using my good name like that,
saying all those things ab...

Famous?
Did you say "famous"?

The guy's a riot!

Is he funny like that
all the time?

Andy! Andy!

This gentleman heard
my name mentioned on television.

Is that right?

You know this fella
sprague pretty well?

Know him?! We're
together all the time.

He's a fine boy, fine boy.

I've cut his
hair for years.

As a matter of fact

I've given him most
of his jokes, you know?

You know, it's kind
of a barber's business

to sort of cut up
and amuse the customers.

Say, have you heard
the one about the zebra

that fell in love
with a pair of pajamas?

They all out there?

Anytime you want
to come in.

I really dread this,

but a formal apology
is the only way.

Howard, you know, this
might not be as bad

as you think
it's gonna be?

No.

Folks, uh... I asked Andy

to have you all drop over here
this evening

so that I could formally
apologize to all of you at once.

I'm sorry
for what I said on the program.

And... well, to make certain

that none of you will be
offended again,

I'm going to call colonel Tim
and cancel my appearance

on his program
next week.

Well, I'm sure you know
what's best for you, Howard,

but do you think
it would be ethical

for you to break
your promise to colonel Tim?

Yes, after you've
given him your word?

No. No, I just couldn't go back
on that program.

My skin just isn't thick enough
for show business.

What are you talkin' about?

Your skin's as thick
as anybody's in this room.

Thicker.

But I thought
I made you all mad.

Oh, well, I'm not the type
of person to hold a grudge.

Me, neither.

Well, since you're all

so ready to forgive, I
think the whole matter

can be quickly forgotten
by Howard's suggestion

that he not go on
the program again.

Why don't you stay out of this?

I'd never forgive myself
if I felt I was responsible

for making Howard break
his word to colonel Tim.

Well, how about
this, then?

How about
Howard agrees

to go on the program
again, but promises

not to mention
any of your names?

Floyd told you
to stay out of it.

Not to mention
any of our names?

Oh, I think you should
reconsider that point, Howard.

Yes. The reason
colonel Tim wants

you back on the program

is because you tell
such amusing stories

about the people
in Mayberry.

Yes. By the way, a funny thing

happened to me
at the shop yesterday.

Ned gresham said to me, he said,

"Floyd, you look tired."

And I said, "I'm so tired",

I can hardly keep
my mouth open."

Feel free to use that one
if you want.

If you think
that's funny,

a customer said to me,
"goober, for a mechanic,

you got the cleanest hands
I've ever seen."

And I said,
"well, they ought to be clean.

"I just wiped them

on your
seat covers."

Howard, Howard,
I had a hilarious experience

with a jar of apple butter.

I was down in the cellar
when the minister came...

I had this eccentric uncle
you might tell about.

He was a sailor,
and every time he came to port,

he had the habit of...

He had the habit...

Paw?

I still don't understand
the whole thing.

You don't
understand what?

Well, everybody got mad
at Mr. Sprague

when he made jokes
about them.

That's right.

And now they want him

to go back on the program
and tell more jokes.

Oh, well, ope,

that has to do with ego.

What's that, paw?

Oh, you want to know
what ego is?

Yeah.

Well, ego is...
Is what people have...

Most people have it,
and it makes them, uh...

Yeah?

Well, it makes them, um...

See, pride, pride is important.

Yeah.

And, uh, it comes from,

from the Latin,
and it means, "I."

Yeah?

Well, you know what "I" means.

It's a personal pronoun.

That's right.
That's right.

Personal pronoun.

And it... ahem...

Ego, it's, it makes, um,

uh...don't you have
some homework to do?

Gee, whiz.

What's the matter?

Well, whenever
somebody in this house

can't explain something,

I always have to do my homework.