04x13 - Barney and the Cave Rescue

[bunniefuu]

( whistling sprightly tune )

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also starring Don Knotts.

Yeah, well... we-well, well, wait a minute, Helen.

Don't tell me. Let me guess.

A lemon pie.

What?

Apple crumb?

Wow, better and better.

Boy, this is gonna be a picnic.

Oh, Gomer's gonna look after things for us.

Right.

Okay, I'll pick ya up around noon.

Bye.

Well, so much for the supply room.

Now, there, of course, are your detention cells,

in case you need 'em.

That's cell number one... Number one.

And that's number two.

Number two.

One and two. Check.

Shazam, there's sure an awful lot to remember, Barney.

Sure is nice of ya to help us out, Gomer.

Oh, glad to oblige, Andy.

Y'all don't get a chance to get out too much.

Now, try and remember all these points,

will ya, Gomer?

Huh?

Oh, yeah.

Cell number one and number two.

Mainly, just set and answer the phone.

Right.

'Bout all there is to it.

Uh, what the Sheriff means is there's a lot more to it.

I mean, performance of your regular duties

of communications, patrol coverage,

watchin' out for stolen autos

and, of course, cooperatin'

with state and federal officials

to provide for the common defense

assure domestic tranquillity

and maintain law and order in the entire area.

Mainly, just answer the phone.

Andy, you can't have him takin' his duties too lightly.

Remember, whoever sits in that chair

is the only law west of Mount Pilot.

He'll do fine, Barney.

Don't worry about it.

Now, we're goin' on a picnic with two lovely young girls

and four lovely fried chickens.

I'll see ya after a while.

( door opening and closing )

Have you got everything straight?

Uh-huh.

Are you sure?

Don't worry, Barn.

Anybody does any law-breakin'

I'll nab 'em and slap 'em right there in number one.

That's not number one... That's number two.

One, two.

I better write it down.

Well, Mr. Meldrim,

don't tell me you're openin' the bank

on Saturday morning.

Yeah, yeah, I got a bank audit coming up.

Seems like I-I been workin' all hours the whole...

( sneezing and coughing )

Bless you.

Thank you.

You got a cold, too.

Yeah, yeah, it's this workin' every night.

Well, won't you even be able to come to the town picnic?

Oh, no, no. The bank examiner's comin' today.

Oh. Oh, darn this key.

It always sticks.

ANDY: Looks like

that's your man, there.

Huh?

Ah.

I'll see ya.

Uh-huh.

Every once in a while,

take a walk through the business district.

Check what's goin' on here in the loop.

Main thing is eternal vigilance.

Hi, boys.

Howdy. How you doing?

Today, things may look peaceful,

but remember, the weed of crime bears bitter fruit.

Hold it!

BARNEY: They're robbin' the bank.

There's two of 'em.

One of 'em in the getaway car.

Stand back, stand back!

Stand back?

Go on, go on, go on!

Be ready with the handcuffs.

What's goin' on?

Keep back. I don't want anybody hit by flyin' lead.

Flyin' lead?

All right, hold it right there!

Come on, put up your hands.

No tricks now.

What is all this?

Mr. Meldrim?

Put that thing away.

Mr. Meldrim, I... I-I'm sorry.

I-I couldn't tell from back there...

The handkerchief and everything... I'm sorry...

Hey, look!

Barney just caught Mr. Meldrim

trying to get into his own bank.

Routine check, that's all.

Barney, let's hear it again...

Especially where you say, "Put up your hands."

( onlookers laughing )

All right, break it up.

Break it up.

You want the handcuffs now, Barney?

( laughter )

What's the trouble here?

Why, uh, there's no trouble here, Sheriff.

Why, your deputy here just single-handed

captured the president of the bank goin' into work.

( laughter )

All right, that's all, that's all.

Everybody, go about your business.

Go on, now.

Go on.

Watch out for that flyin' lead, Barney.

( laughing )

Sorry, Mr. Meldrim.

( sighing )

Boy, you sure couldn't ask for a better day for a picnic.

Yes, sir.

Helen's made an apple crumb pie,

that on top of Thelma Lou's fried chicken.

Yeah, boy, we'll be in for a strain

on the old suspender buttons.

You know, Andy I...

I don't know if I'm going to be able to get away, after all.

Well, I really ought to be staying here.

This darn paperwork's just been piling up something awful.

You don't want to miss the town picnic.

Everybody's going to be there.

Yeah.

Well, well, you go ahead.

Me, I-I just wouldn't feel right.

Not at the present time, you know.

Business before pleasure. ( chuckles )

Nothing to do with that little, uh... ruckus over at the bank?

( chuckling ): Well, no.

You kidding? Golly, no, of course not.

No, it's just the plain and simple fact

that I got things here demanding my personal attention.

I'm glad it's not because of that, 'cause you did

exactly the right thing.

Think what might have happened if they had of been bandits.

Good lawman can't afford to take chances.

Not when he's protecting others.

And you think folks out there don't appreciate it.

You know what they're probably saying to one another right now?

They're probably saying to one another,

"Boy, that Barney Fife sure is on his toes.

"Yes, sir, the town's lucky to have

such a quick- thinking lawman."

Now that's what they're telling one another.

You really think so?

Sure, I do.

You know, maybe I could hold off on this paperwork.

I mean, the girls have been lookin' forward to goin' and everything...

You owe it to 'em.

Yeah, you wouldn't wanna disappoint 'em.

( both laughing ) ( door opening )

Hey, Paw! Is it true, Paw,

about Barney pullin' a g*n on Mr. Meldrim at his own bank?

They're all laughin' about it down the street.

Uh, Ope, uh... Jeff and Mr. Layton

were tellin' the whole crowd.

Uh... Boy, it sure musta been funny.

Why don't you run on home?

Say, did you really do it, Barney?

Barney's busy right now. Run along.

Now, look, Barney, be sensible about this.

Just because a coupla ol' loafers ain't got anything better to do...

Now you're just bein' silly.

Nobody pays any attention to them two, and you know it.

Look, we'll go on the picnic,

we'll get off by ourselves

and have our own private picnic.

We'll have a good time, okay?

( women chattering )

Well, what about this place?

It looks fine. Don't you think so, Andy?

Sure. This is fine.

What do you think, Barn?

Oh, I don't know.

It's still kinda close to the others.

It's no fun picnickin'

practically in the middle of Times Square.

There's nobody in sight.

Any further and we'd be outta the county.

This is fine.

Maybe we can find a place a little further up.

I just don't like to be trampled on, that's all.

Well, now, this is just fine.

Come on, Barn.

Well...

okay.

Now... there you go.

Ah.

Mmm.

Any customers for some nice fried chicken?

Just put up your hands.

What'd you say?

I mean, hands up.

Well, that is, I... wh...

Hey, listen, we don't wanna eat just yet, do we?

I know what let's do.

Let's go exploring the ol' mine caves.

Oh, great idea. Huh?

Got the flashlights and everything.

Good. No, no, no.

Oh, come on, Barn, we haven't been

in there since we was young'uns.

Well, you go ahead.

I'll just sit here and wait for ya.

Well, come on, Helen.

Let's you and me go.

Barney Fife, you are really something.

You really are.

What's the matter?

You said you wanted to go on a picnic.

All right, we're on a picnic.

Some picnic...

Sittin' around with a wet blanket

way out in the middle of nowhere.

( sighs )

( birds chirping )

There it is, up yonder.

There.

Mm-hmm... Not afraid of the dark, are ya?

Well, you've got a flashlight.

Yeah, but if we find a nice comfy place in there,

the batteries might run down.

( both laughing )

Come on.

( voice echoing ): Funny how things

seemed different when you were younger.

This place used to seem as big as all outdoors.

Think maybe it shrunk?

Or maybe you got bigger.

It's kinda spooky, isn't it?

Yeah.

Wanna go back?

No. It's kinda fun.

Okay, come on.

I didn't realize this went on and on like this.

Oh, yeah.

You know what they used to call this place

when I was a boy? No, what?

They used to call it "Lost Lovers' Cave."

Oh, really? Yeah.

Story goes, this, uh, these two Indian lovers

came in here, and got separated

and never did come back out again.

A-And right today if somebody calls out, a voice will answer.

Oh, come on, Andy.

Oh, yeah, look, look.

Where are you?

( echoing ): Where are you? Where are you?

Andy. See?

Yeah. See, this Indian boy and girl came in here,

and they got about halfway in.

And he turned to her

and he said, "Ugh, we better get outta here."

And she replied, "How?"

And he said, "That's what I'd like to know... how?"

( whispers ): Oh, Andy.

Where are you?

( echoing ): Where are you?

( giggling ): You...

This'll be fun.

You can't just sit around like that.

Oh, all right.

Come on, let's get inside.

I don't like this whole idea.

I don't like it at all.

I never did like caves.

Oh, Barney, stop worrying.

Yeah? You know what you find in caves? Bats.

Barney! That's right, bats.

You know what they do? They fly in your hair,

and get tangled up in there and lay their eggs and you go crazy.

( laughing )

All right, laugh. It's happened.

You want a head fulla bat eggs? I don't.

Well, what are you worryin' about? You got on a hat.

Yeah, well... Oh, come on.

Wait a minute!

I heard one. Quick, cover your head.

What in the world...? Cover your head! Cover your head!

Oh, Barney, look, it's just a moth.

Yeah, well...

you don't want a moth in your hair, either.

They lay these moth eggs.

Oh, come on.

You can go crazy from that, too.

( giggling )

( clattering )

Wait a minute, listen!

Don't tell me you heard one of the lost lovers?

No, listen!

( rumbling )

What's that?

( roaring rumbling )

Andy! Keep movin'.

What's that?

It's a slide!

Get out, quick!

( gasping )

That was close.

It certainly was.

( laughing )

Andy...

Andy. Helen. Oh.

Andy, Helen, are you in there?!

Barney, you don't think...?

Andy, can you hear me?

Andy?! Can you hear me?!

Hold on! Don't worry!

We'll get ya out!

They can't be. They... they just can't.

I'm afraid so.

They're in there.

They're buried alive!

Oh, Andy!

Take it easy. Take it easy.

But look at that. We can't get out of there.

How are we going to get...?

Listen, steady, steady.

We're really blocked up.

We can't go that way.

Have to see if we can't go another way.

Oh, Andy, I'm frightened.

No-Nothing-Nothing to be frightened about.

Nothing to be frightened about.

I was kind of looking for a nice, dark place.

Never expected quite this much cooperation.

( chuckles )

Let's see what this leads to.

Come on.

I'll go back to the office

and get the emergency equipment.

Now you run down to the picnic grounds

and round up every able-bodied man you can.

Now hurry, there's not a second to lose.

Oh, Barney!

Andy, hold on.

We'll get you out.

ANDY: I think we're out.

HELEN: Oh!

Yeah, we're out.

Come on.

( giggles )

There we are.

There we are.

( sighs )

( panting )

Boy, I never did know

that tunnel led all the way out to the other side.

Oh, am I glad to be out of there.

Oh, boy.

Oh, look at you, Andy.

Do I look as bad as you do?

No, you look nice.

A little dirty, but nice.

Oh, Andy, I... I've got to get out of these clothes.

I can't go back and let anybody see me like this.

Yeah, we better get back to town and get cleaned up.

Road's right up there.

Come on.

Hey, we're in luck.

HELEN: Oh!

We can hook a ride back to town.

Thank heaven.

We better hurry, before some of them

start missing us and worrying.

Ride into town?

( country music playing )

HELEN: Be with you in a jiffy, Andy.

Okay.

Am I glad to be out of this.

Wow, that's some improvement.

Thank you. I better get home

and get me on some clean clothes and wash my face.

Well, I want to put this in the washer.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program

to bring you a special news bulletin.

ANNOUNCER : Here's the latest on that earth slide

which is believed to have trapped two persons in a cave

at the town picnic in Mayberry.

Deputy Barney Fife of the Sheriff's Department

has organized the entire town in a mammoth rescue operation.

Under his guidance those at the scene

are digging with makeshift tools,

while he is rushing additional manpower

and equipment to the disaster scene.

More details will be reported as they come in.

( radio clicks off ) I didn't think anybody knew about the slide.

I reckon Barney must have discovered it.

Poor Barney... going to all that trouble.

Bless his heart. Hmm.

I'm so embarrassed.

I never dreamed they'd make such a fuss.

Well, we better call and let them know we're all right.

Would you get me the Sheriff's Office, please.

Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.

What's the matter?

You were just saying how embarrassed you feel.

Yeah. I was just thinking how embarrassed

Barney's going to feel when we pop up. Oh.

Boy, that ribbing he took at the bank this morning

won't hold a candle to what he's in for now.

Leading the whole town in a big rescue operation

when there's nobody to be rescued.

Well, I guess there's just got to be somebody in there

to be rescued.

I was hoping you might think of that.

( chuckles ) Well, let me go slip

into something uncomfortable.

Hello?

Sarah, didn't you just ring the Sheriff's Office?

Oh.

Then they changed their mind.

Folks do that sometimes.

Oh, Sarah, how's your mama's hip?

Is it all mended

after that fall at the bowling alley?

Well, bless her heart.

Tell her Gomer says hey.

Right.

Gomer, will you get off that phone?

Well, somebody just called and I was just...

Gomer, there are two people trapped in a cave.

I'm in charge of a rescue operation.

Now I've got to move, do you understand?

Okay, Barn.

I never will forget the time

my cousin Goober got hisself lost in a cave.

He was tracking a skunk,

and he followed that skunk into the cave.

And he got all twisted and turned around and lost.

Do you know what he done?

He just kept following

and sniffing, and that skunk

led him right back out again.

Lanterns, shovel, pickax,

crowbar, two-by-four.

Poor Goober.

Had to burn his clothes.

Wouldn't nobody come near him.

You know the only one that'd come near him?

What else? What else?

The skunk. Huh? What are you talking about?

About Goober.

You see, he made a pet out of the skunk.

Wasn't you listening?

About the time Goober got hisself lost in a cave?

Gomer, two people are trapped in a cave

and you stand there yakking about your stupid cousin Goober.

I'm sorry, Barn. Well, look alive, man.

Get on that phone and see if you can

get ahold of some more volunteers.

Wait a minute!

First help me get these things in the squad car.

We're going to have to make two trips.

He ain't stupid.

What?

My cousin Goober ain't stupid.

He's ugly, but he ain't stupid.

He's ugly, but he ain't stupid.

You ready?

You look wonderful.

Oh, yeah.

Let's go.

Come on, come on! Hop to it!

Dig with anything you can lay your hands on.

Jud! Maybe you better go on back to town and get

more men and equipment. Okay, Barney.

All right, come on, move. Let's go, everybody.

Here, take this. Oh, all right.

Are you sure this is the place?

I think so.

Over there. That looks like it.

Oh, good girl. Come on. Let's hope we're in time.

Attention.

Attention.

This is Deputy Barney Fife speaking.

This is an emergency.

Repeat: an emergency.

Approach the cave entrance slowly.

Slowly!

Do not panic.

Repeat: do not panic.

We need all available digging tools.

Sheriff Taylor and Miss Crump need your assistance.

Now is the time for all good men

to come to the aid of their neighbor.

Repeat: Now is the time for all good men

to come to the aid of their neighbor.

Oh!

Oh, you all right?

( grunts ) Fine.

You sure?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Okay, come on.

How's it going? Oh, you all right?

An awful lot of dirt to move.

All right, you men get in there and spell him.

Come on, let's go.

Any sounds from the other side?

Nope. Nothing.

Look, Barney, you sure they went in there?

What do you mean?

I mean this might be

another one of your wild goose chases.

If you don't want to help, don't,

but don't get in the way.

We're through!

We're through!

( men cheering )

BARNEY: Andy?

Helen, can you hear me?

Andy, Helen, are you in there?

Wait! It's them!

We found them! Come on!

Bring the lantern.

Are you all right?

Oh, Barney, thank heavens you got here in time.

Take it easy. Just take it easy.

Let some air in here.

I knew you'd come, Barney.

We'll be all right. Just give us a hand.

Okay. Come on.

Help out here. Help her up.

There you go. All right, let us through.

Out of the way. Come on, let us through.

( indistinct voices )

BARNEY: All right, all right...

All right, let us through.

( cheering )

You two all right, Sheriff?

Yeah. Sure was a close call, though.

I don't know what we'd have done

if it hadn't been for Barney.

Don't tire yourself, Andy.

Just breathe in the old oxygen.

It could have been any of us in there.

You, Jud, or Tony... anybody.

I'd say we're pretty lucky to have a fella like

Barney Fife around. Guess you're

right, Sheriff. You did good work, Barney, right good.

( bystanders murmuring agreement )

That Barney's really quite a guy.

You're right. He certainly is.

As a matter of fact, they both are.

JUD: Congratulations, Barney.

Nice going, son.

Thanks, Barney.

Hey, Barn.

Hi, And. Boy, you ought to see

the piece they wrote about you in the paper.

Got your picture and everything.

Oh, now, why did they have to go and do that?

No need for a lot of fuss and feathers.

Simple matter of a lawman doing his job.

Doing it rather well, granted,

but just a man doing his job.

Look at there, it covers most of the front page.

Well, I wish they'd have checked with me first.

I'd have told them to just forget it.

All this newspaper stuff...

It-it just doesn't fit in with my idea of a public servant.

I mean this was a joint effort of a town...

Not just one individual... And what they really

ought to do is just plain forget it.

Well, that certainly is a fine attitude.

Well, that's the way it's got to be. I mean...

I got 'em, Barney!

All the papers they had left.

Here's the change from the $ you gave me.

( clears throat ): They're having this, uh,

scrap paper drive, and, uh... well, I wanted to contribute

and I didn't have any paper of my own.

Oh, just forget it. No, I mean, it's a good cause.

I'd forget it. Send a boy to camp and everything...

But if I was you, I'd just forget it. Ought to help these people out.

No, just, just, just... I-I-I...

Just, uh, just forget it.