07x18 - A Visit to Barney Fife

[bunniefuu]

Uh, excuse me.

Oh, good morning.

Good morning.

Could you tell me
where I might find Barney Fife?

I believe he's
in the fingerprint department.

No, uh, not anymore.

He's in the detective
bureau now.

The detective bureau?

Barney's a detective?

Uh-huh.

Huh.

Well, could you tell me
where I might find him?

He's in the captain's office.

Oh, well, I'll just...

I'll just wait
until he's finished.

Oh, no, that's all right.

You can go right in.

He's in there alone.

Oh.

Oh, well, thank you.

* go tell aunt Lucy

* go tell aunt Lucy

* go tell aunt Lucy

* the old gray goose
is dead... *

Barn.
Wha...ha...

Ange! Ange,
you son of a g*n.

Good to see you.

It's good to see you.
How are you?

I'm just fine.
I'm fine.

Oh, that's good.

Boy, you're lookin' great.
Oh, thank you.

You filled out a little.

Yeah, a little bit,
put on a little bit.

You're lookin'
good yourself.

Oh, I'm-I'm holding my own,
I think, yeah.

You son of a g*n.

You son of a g*n yourself.

Well, I, uh...
I see you're, uh, uh...

Uh, oh, this.
Well, uh...

The chief likes to
keep us kind of busy

when we're waiting
for something to break.

Kind of relieves
the tension.

That's a good idea.
It's a good idea, yeah.

You're here early.

I caught an early bus.

Did you?
Yeah.

How's aunt bee and Opie?

Fine.
They send their best.

Helen sends her best.

Send it back.

Right, I will.

You're a detective.

Well, yeah.

Well, you know, fingerprints
was never really for me, ange.

I mean, with me it's always been
"where's the action?"

Yeah...

And I'll bet right there
is where it is.

You kidding?

Yeah.

Come here, ange.

See these?

Uh-huh.

All new cases
just this week.

Hmm.

Yeah, that's a jungle
out there, ange.

Well, here,
let me show you around.

Just put my brush
in turpentine.

Hey, your letter
sounded kind of urgent.

You're not in some kind
of trouble, are you?

Did it sound like that?
Yeah.

No, I'm not in trouble...

But something did come up
and I wanted to

tell you about it
'cause I thought

you might be interested.

Yeah?

Yeah... confidentially...

I heard that there's
going to be an opening

in our department,

and I immediately
thought of you.

Oh, now, Barney...

Now, wait a minute, ange.

You were coming up here
this month anyway,

so just don't say no yet.

We'll talk about it later.
Come on.

Oh, well.

Well, this is it, Andy...

The brain center of
the Raleigh police department.

This little lady here
is our gal Friday, miss Clark.

Miss Clark, I'd like you to meet
sheriff Taylor of Mayberry.

We already met, sort of.
Hello.

Oh.

Anything for me?

Uh...

That minister
you arrested last week

is going to sue us.

Sue us?

But I apologized
to him.

He was wearing
a sports shirt, ange.

I thought
he was loitering.

Oh, well,
that can happen.

Sure, they ought to wear
an insignia or something.

Well, we'll, uh,
we'll see what happens there.

Come on,
I want you to meet somebody.

Oh.

Say, al,
you got a few minutes?

I'd like you to meet
sheriff Taylor of Mayberry.

Hello.
Sheriff.

Jenkins here has broken
some of our toughest cases.

He's one
of our top men.

Oh, well.

Yeah.

You got some
new mug sh*ts here?

Look at that,
ange.

How would you like
to run

into that character
in a dark alley?

Those are the new rookie cops
from the police academy.

Oh.
Oh, well, good.

Getting some good
tough men in, that's good.

Well, we won't
bother you anymore.

Come on, ange.

Oh, uh,
that's Peterson over there.

I'd introduce you,
but he looks kind of busy.

He's a little bit touchy,
you know.

Fife!
Yes, sir?

We're out of paper towels
in the men's room.

Oh, yeah, well,
I'll get around to it.

We kind of do little things
for each other, you know...

Sort of a custom
of the department.

Oh, that's
a good idea, yeah.

Where's, uh,
where's your desk?

Oh, come over here.
Come on.

Oh.

Here it is.

This is where you sit?

Well, I never was one
to sit much, you know.

That's why
I took this place.

It suits me better.

Sit down.

Oh, okay.

Gee, that's just
the right height, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, it's great
for reading, you know.

They ought to build
all desks like that.

Boy, you're not kidding.

Oh, did you, uh, see
this down in Mayberry?

"Tenth supermarket robbery"?

Well, that's something.

Yeah, that's really
a rough one to crack.

We got the whole
bureau working on it.

Any theories?

Well, it's too smooth
to be a one-man operation.

It's got to be a g*ng.

Now, this is very confidential
information, Andy.

But every time we stake out,
they hit another area.

So, there's got to be
a leak

somewhere here
in the bureau.

That's strictly qt.

Oh, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

Well,
let's get you settled.

Is the "y"
far from here?

Oh, I'm not
at the "y" anymore.

You're not?

No, got my own pad...
Boardinghouse.

No kidding?

Yeah, it's run by
a wonderful family.

I told them I was
bringing you over.

I don't want to intrude.

Oh, don't be silly,
come on.

I'll be checking out
for a while, sweetheart.

We'll try to manage.

She's a great kidder.

You're going to love them,
Andy, just love them.

They make you feel like
one of the family.

Hi, ma.

Barney.

This is my friend
Andy Taylor.

Oh, how do you do, Andy?
I'm very glad to meet you.

We were just relaxing
before lunch.

Oh, well, I hope
I'm not intruding.

Oh, no, no.

Any friend of Barney's
is a friend of mine.

Right, Barn?
Right.

Well, nice to meet you,
missus...?

Oh, just call me "ma."

Well.

Call her "ma."

And these are ma's boys,
over here.

This here's Leroy.
That's henny, over there.

Hi.
Hi.

Don't you stand
when somebody comes in?

They got
low blood pressure.

The boys are kind of
in between jobs right now.

Things are kind of
slacking up for them.

Electronics,
wasn't it?

Yeah, right.

It's at a standstill
right now.

Agnes Jean! Barney
and his friend are here.

My daughter.

She's a real charmer, Andy.

Hi, Barney.

Hi, ag. Ag, this here is
my friend Andy Taylor.

Oh, it's a pleasure.

Hello.

Barney, you know,
you forgot to say

goodbye to me this
morning when you left.

Oh, well, I was
in kind of a rush.

Oh, well, lunch is
ready, whenever you are,

if you want to,
you know, wash up.

Mm-hmm.

Ahem, come on, Andy.
Let's go.

Barney!

There are some clean towels
in the hall closet.

Right.

This is it.

Well, this is great.

It's just...
It's just great.

Yeah.
Come here.

Private sink.

Huh.

And...double bed.

Yeah, double bed.

This is a real
leather chair here.

Hey, yeah.

Course, I ain't near
finished decorating yet.

Oh, well, you never
finish with that.

I been going in
for some art stuff, too.

Yeah.

This here's
the laughing cavalier.

Yeah, I recognize
that, yeah.

And that's, uh,
blue boy.

"Blue boy," yeah.

Well, I tell you, ange,
you move to the big city,

you get on
that culture kick,

and you just want
nothing but the best.

Yeah, you grow.

Get in
with that arty crowd.

Yeah, fast.

Oh, listen...

I really got some view here.

Come here, ange.
I want you to see this.

Okay.

Now, look right out there.

Now, you see right between
them two telephone Poles?

Yeah?

That's city hall.

Huh.

Well, I'll tell you
one thing.

You got
a great setup here.

Yeah.

It's a great setup.
It really is.

Oh, it's, uh, loose.

Hmm. Well, uh...

Uh, want to get
washed up?

Yeah.

Um...
This is hot here.

It says cold,
but it's hot.

Oh, okay.

Soap.
Oh, thank you.

Now, Barn,
about this job business...

Well, it's like
I told you, ange.

There's gonna be an
opening in my department,

and I thought it'd be
a great opportunity

to get you in there.

Well,
what makes you think

I'd be interested
in the job?

I'm perfectly happy
in Mayberry.

Well, okay...

But you got to do
one thing for me.

What's that?

Well, you got to talk
to captain dewhurst

for about ten minutes.

Why?

Because I made
an appointment

for you to see him
this afternoon.

Oh...

Barney, lunch is ready.

Coming, ma!
Come on.

Mr. Taylor?

Oh. Oh, no.
No more for me, thank you.

It was very good, but...
I can't hold anymore.

Yeah, that's the trouble
with ma.

She ought to be put
behind bars.

The way she makes
you eat's a crime.

It's just
that we're so happy

to have Barney here.

With all those robberies
going on in the supermarkets,

it's so comforting

to have a
detective living

right in the
house with us.

Well, you just
rest easy, ma.

Hey, Barney, talking about
those supermarket robberies...

You guys got any leads?

Well, we're working
on it, Leroy.

It's just so amazing
the way they work.

Well, we think we've found
a pattern to these robberies,

and we're working
on what I like to call

the zone detection system.

That mean anything
to you, ange?

Uh...

Not up to now.

Go on, Barney.

It's always so interesting
when he explains these things.

Well...

Now, let's call
this zone one.

Golly, there I go,
writing on your table.

Oh, go on, dear.
It'll come out.

Well, all right.

Now, you see,

there are three detection
zones in Raleigh...

Zone one, zone two
and three.

B.. Uh, Barney,
Barney, Barney...

Just a second, ange.

I'm trying to
explain something.

We have reason to believe
that they're going to strike

in zones one or two.

That's the whole
north side of the town

so we're going to
blanket that.

He's so clever.

How much
of the north side, Barney?

I'd say probably...

Barney, Barney,
Barney, Barney...

If-if-if this is
confidential information,

should you even
be

I'm not talking
about it.

I'm just telling
the Parkers.

Well, I know that..

They're family.
They're family, see.

He don't understand
our relationship.

Oh, yes.
We consider him

a full-fledged member
of our family.

I don't.

Well...

You were saying, Barney?

Hmm? Oh, yeah.
Well, anyway...

We're just going
to cover the town

down as far
as the bridge.

In other words,
that's where you'll, uh...

What do you call it,
a "stakeout"?

Yeah, stakeout.

"Stakeout's"
the word.

Yeah...

Well, we better be getting
back down to the bureau, ange.

You know,
that appointment?

Oh, yes, well, thanks, uh,
for lunch, miss Parker.

Ah, well, now,
let's see here.

Uh. Uh... b...

Uh, before we, uh,
get into anything, uh, uh, uh,

i-I'd just like
to, uh, say that I'm here

kind of by mistake.

See, Barney got me up here

without telling me
about this job being open,

and, actually, I'm not
in the market for a job.

Well, I really
didn't think you were, sheriff.

In fact, I wouldn't
have made the appointment,

but Barney kept after me
and after me.

Oh, well,
he's so excited

about his job
in the department here.

I guess he thought
he'd be doing me a big favor

getting me in
on it, too.

He really likes his job, eh?

Oh, yes, he loves it.

I think it's the biggest thing
in his... in his whole life.

That's too bad.

What do you mean?

I'm going to level
with you, sheriff.

There is going to be a job open
in this department... his.

Whose?

Barney's.

Barney's?

Hey, uh, Barn.

Mm-hmm.

Do you ever think about maybe
coming back to Mayberry?

You mean
for a visit?

No. No.

Actually,
I meant for good.

I mean, your-your job's
still open.

Oh, well, that's awful
nice of you, ange,

but I got everything
going for me here.

I mean,
I got a big job.

I got
a terrific future...

Great social life.

You mean, sitting here
on the porch

listening to the radio?

Well, you think
this is all I do?

I swing.

And I got
friends here.

I got ma,
I got the boys

and... and Agnes Jean.

Is there anything...Uh?

Well, you know...

Good. Good.

Oh, the Parkers
are back from shopping.

They all go, do they?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. One never goes shopping
without the other.

That's togetherness
for you.

Hi, ma.

Oh, don't get up.

We've got to go in
and put things away.

You just stay right there
and enjoy yourselves.

Well...

See you, Barney.

Right, ag.

Ag...

Yeah. Yeah.

They didn't buy much,
did they?

Hmm?

I mean,
for a whole big family,

they just came back
with two little sacks.

Well, there probably
wasn't any specials.

Ma's a smart shopper.

Hmm.

We interrupt this program
with a news flash.

The police department reports
another supermarket robbery...

Number .

Hey!

This time,
it was the super bargain market

on the south side.

We'll have all the details
on our : newscast.

They hit the south side,

and we had them figured
for the north!

That's uncanny.

There's got to be
a leak some place.

That's the eighth time in a row
that we've staked out two zones,

and they hit the third.

I'm gonna get down there.
You want to take off?

Yeah, I'd like to.

Now, you didn't see
anybody suspicious

hanging around
when you closed up, huh?

No. Everything was
normal when I left.

I came back because
there were some papers

I had left in my office.

That's when
I discovered it.

The back door
was open.

The registers
were rifled,

and the safe
was open.

Let's have
a look around.

Now-now-now, Barn!

Barn.
Take it easy, Barn.

All right.
Hold it right there, buster.

Hey,
what is this?

Reach!
Look, mister, I...

Save it!
Barney, let him talk.

No. Give these rats
a chance,

they'll
be all over you.

Let's take it
nice and slow.

You just stick
them hands out.

Okay.

Barney.

There.

They always return
to the scene of the crime.

Mm-hmm.

There you go.

What's going on here?

Hi, chief.
I got the report on the radio

and rushed right over
and nabbed this bird.

I just beat you
by a minute...

Fife!

Yes, sir.

Run across the street
and get five coffees, eh?

What?

This is the store manager.

We've been here
for an hour.

The store...

Oh...

Well,
what do you know?

Got the key?

Sure, yeah.

I got the key.

Uh, I got the key.

I'll take cream and sugar.

Me, too.

Oh, uh, sure.

Uh, we do this
for each other.

It's kind of a custom
in the department.

See what I mean,
Taylor?

Well, he was just
playing it safe.

We'll call you
if we need you.

Right, right.

It's a rough case,
Taylor.

Nothing to go on,
at all, huh?

Not a thing...
We're up against a g*ng

that knows
every move we make.

Now, if we could only
figure out

some way to learn
their moves.

Yeah, that would be
the thing, wouldn't it?

Here we are.

Where did you and Mr. Taylor
go last night?

All of a sudden,
you disappeared.

Oh, well, we, uh,
went over to the market.

I guess you
read about it.

There was
another robbery.

I read something about it
in the newspapers.

Hey, Barn,
they got any clues?

No,
neither one of them.

It's a good thing they hit
last night instead of tonight.

Why?
What's the difference?

Oh, I was,
uh... I was...

I had a little talk
with captain dewhurst

while you were out.

Yeah,
and he said it was...

It was a good thing
they hit

last night
instead of tonight

because this is Saturday.

And it's the big
shopping day, you know?

And there's so much
more money involved,

and it'll have to stay there
the whole weekend, you know,

because, uh...
Till Monday

'cause of the...
The banks.

It could probably run
to thousands.

I suppose that's where
they'll have a...

Stakeout?

Yeah. Stakeout.

Captain dewhurst
said "no."

He said, uh,
he said this g*ng

never hits twice
in the same area so, uh...

They wouldn't.

What are the Parkers
doing tonight?

Oh, they're going
to a late movie.

I said something
about us coming along,

but I don't know.

Sometimes they are kind
of clannish, you know?

You know what I'd kind of
like to do tonight?

Hmm?

Go to that supermarket
that was knocked off last night

and just kind of look around.

Now there's no need for you
to get mixed up in this, Andy.

And besides,
it's probably closed now.

Well,
you've got master keys

over at the station,
haven't you?

Well, yeah, but...

It's just a hunch.

Just kind of go over
and look around.

Well, I think it's
a big waste of time.

If you want to go,

then I'll go
tell the Parkers.

Ah...ah,
I wouldn't, uh...

I wouldn't say
anything to them

because, uh, well, you know
they worry about you,

and they might think

you're getting into some
kind of trouble, you know?

Yeah. You're right.

Your general public
don't have the stomach

for this kind of thing.

Let's just you
and me go.

Okay.

Ange, I honestly don't know
what we're waiting here for.

You really don't
expect them crooks

to hit the same market
tonight, do you?

Let's just wait
a little while longer.

Just a big waste of time.

Could you eat a little quieter?

Boy, you're edgy.

No!

Stay here!
Stay here!

Now, listen.

I'll turn the lights on,
and you get the p*stol on them.

Mm-hmm.

All right, reach!

Ange, it's
the Parkers.

This is
embarrassing.

And all the time
you thought

there were crooks
in here.

I'm sorry, folks.
The store's closed.

You'll have to do
your shopping...

Hey, wait a minute.

What are you doing
in here now, anyways?

Just keep your p*stol
on them, Barn.

Ma!

Agnes Jean!

All of a sudden,
he's got to get smart.

Ange, you want to call
the station...

Tell them to send
the wagon over?

Right.

I had my eye on
you people all along.

Thought you were pulling one
on over on me, didn't you?

Fife, I tell you,
I've got to

hand it to you...
You really cracked it.

Well, let me make
one thing clear, chief.

If it hadn't have been
for Andy's help...

Now, you held
the p*stol.

All I did was
turn on the lights.

Fife, you were
actually living

in the boarding house
with them.

Yeah, I guess
I'm probably at my best

on the undercover work...
I move slow, but sure.

Well, Barney, I hope
you like your new desk.

Oh, yeah, it's fine.
Thanks, chief.

Ahem.
Oh, Peterson.

A little coffee
all around.

Well, uh...

Okay.

Oh,
and, say, Peterson...

You might bring
a little Danish, too.