07x06 - The Darling Fortune

[bunniefuu]

What are you going to
have for lunch today?

Well, I hadn't thought
about it, goober.

It's just : .

Oh.

I just happened to be
thinking about it.

Diner?

I don't know.

Me neither.

You know, they're having
a nice run of corn beef

over at
the drugstore counter.

Yeah?

Yeah. Of course,
it depends a lot

on just what time
you get there.

Is that right?

Yeah, if you get there
at : ,

when they first
start carving it,

it's got that stuff
on the end.

The little pieces?

You want a real good
sandwich, you got to

hit that beef
about : .

Yeah, right in the middle
of it, then.

Yeah, big slices.

Well, I'll tell you
what, goob --

why don't we just go
over there about : ?

Okay.

Of course, we got
a couple hours to decide.

Yeah, there's no use
rushing into it.

That sounds like
the darlings.

Well!
Hey, Mr. Darling!

How are you?
Hey, there, charlene!

A lot of pollywogs
is frogs

since last
we laid eyes on you.

Well, it's nice
to see you, too.

Hey, boys.

Easy, boys.

You know, every time
we come to town,

they just get all het up.

Yeah, they're
a wild bunch.

Boy, you're here early.

You must have started
driving before sunup.

That don't make
no never mind

now you made us put
lights on the truck.

It sure beats having
Doug out there on the hood,

holding out a lantern.

He's always
complaining about
bugs hitting him.

Then he'd get
acting cute

and fall off about
every other chuckhole.

Yeah, that Doug's
a caution.

What brings you
to town this time?

Well, sheriff, we...

What I got
to tell you is private.

Uh, goob...

Don't you have
something to do?

No, not a thing,
Andy.

You got big ears,
ain't you?

No, I ain't got
big ears.

Boy, like the sheriff said,
you got things to do.

Well, yeah.

I have.

I'll, I'll see you, goob.

Well?

Now, this is
just 'twixt us.

Oh, I wouldn't say anything.

Cross your heart,
hope to jump a stump?

Yes, I do.

Well, sheriff...

Us darlings has come
into a fortune.

Just sold a
passel of land

to the Mayberry county
government for $ .

American. Just come to town
to pick up the money.

Well, how am I going to talk
to rich folks like you?

Sheriff, we want you
to treat us just like before.

Just like we was poor folks,
like yourself.

Okey-doke.

Oh, and that ain't all.

Now that we come
into a fortune

and can afford to feed
a few extra mouths

I'm going to get my
boys here married.

No kidding.

Well, now
that is news.

Each and every one of 'em

is going to get
himself nuptialed.

You know,
they've been just like

a bunch of caged lions
since I told 'em.

Especially
Rodney, there.

He's, uh...

Jittery.

Oh, I can see.

You know what?

With all this happening
to the darling family

we ought to have a celebration.

If you're talking about

some of miss bee's cooking,
you're on.

I tell you what --

I'll go in there and call her

and you meet me at my house
at : .

Good, that'll give me time
to get the boys curried up.

Make up some music there
to cover the engine noise.

Get out of the way yonder!

See you at the house.

No, plenty. Plenty.

Well, miss bee,

you sure ain't lost
your touch with a skillet.

Well, thank you.

Tell me something--

what was that thing
you had laying there

'twixt the taters
and the black

the steak?

Mouthwatering.
I got to learn

what kind of animal
you chopped that off of.

And them
muffins, pa.

We got to get
the recipe.

They was larrupin'.

How about a tune?

Want to pick along,
sheriff?

You like "salty dog"?

"Salty dog's" good.

Give me my jug,
Rodney.

Now, you boys take
the main tune

and I'll kind of
gargle out the trimmings.

Watch it, you lunkhead.

You don't throw around
a fine instrument like this.

Now, you ready?

One, two, one.

* standing on the corner
with the lowdown blues *

* a great big hole
in the bottom of my shoes *

* honey, let me be
your salty dog *

* let me be your salty dog

* or I won't be
your gal at all *

* honey, let me be
your salty dog *

* look here, sal,
I know you *

* a rundown stocking
and a wore-out shoe *

* honey, let me be
your salty dog *

* let me be your salty dog

* or I won't be
your gal at all *

* honey, let me be
your salty dog *

* down in the wildwood,
sitting on a log *

* finger on a trigger,
eye on a hog *

* honey, let me be
your salty dog *

* let me be your salty dog

* or I won't be
your gal at all *

* honey, let me
be your salty dog *

* I pulled the trigger
and the g*n let go *

* I heard the shot
in Mexico *

* honey, let me
be your salty dog *

* let me be your salty dog

* or I won't be
your gal at all *

* honey, let me be
your salty dog *

once more!

* let me be your salty dog

* or I won't be
your gal at all *

* honey, let me be
your salty dog. *

aw.
Play better and better!

Very enjoyable.

Now, come on, boys,
and sit down.

You boys best stand.

No sense in sitting down
and getting up again

to take the crease
out of your pants.

Well, isn't it
exciting?

The boys are going
to get married.

It certainly is.

Now that they got
$ in back of 'em

outside of their natural
charms, of course.

But we're going

to take it step by step.

First off, I'm going
to find a wife

for Dean there. Uh...

That's going to take
a bit of doing.

He's too short.

The only short one
I ever foaled.

Well, I'm sure
you're going to find

plenty of wives
for the boys

right up there
in the mountains.

Mountains?

With $ ?

I want city girls
for my boys.

That's the main reason
we come to Mayberry.

You mean to tell me

that you've come
down here into town

to find wives
for those boys?

Why not?

Nice boys like I got.

Take Mitch there.

Strong as an ox

and almost as bright

and can do his sums, up
to and including three.

But, but, briscoe--

and he's pretty, too.

Look at them fine,
chiseled features.

Chisel hit him
right here.

Well, uh...

They're, they're,
they're fine boys.

Now, I'm not
questioning that

but you, you
can't just

just swoop down
into town

and find wives
just like that.

Well, sheriff,

we don't expect to
rush into anything.

Good.

Might take the
rest of the day.

Mr. Darling, courtships in
Mayberry take at least a year.

I've seen them take five.

Five or six.

Not the way we operate.

We'll just go down there
on main street and wait

for them female hearts
to start fluttering.

Everybody on the truck.

Uh, charlene, uh,
you best stay here.

Well, uh...

I don't want her
to be alone

whilst we're down
there on main street

bird-dogging it.

Might not
be lady-like.

Well, mister,
Mr. Darling, um...

Uh, mister, uh...

I, uh, I've got to go.

I've got to go, I've got to,
I've got to find goober.

Am I allowed
to arrest them, too?

Oh, no, no.

Just follow them around.

If they bother anybody,
come and tell me.

Yo.

Well?

Well, you promised
me a badge.

Here.

There.

Very nice, goober.

Well, go on.

Right... chief.

Go on, go on.

They sound like a wild bunch.

You never met
'em, did you?

No.

Well, you better know
they're a wild bunch.

Oh, maybe they just
have their own ways.

You ever try talking
to a stone wall?

I'm telling you, briscoe
darling is serious

about finding wives for
those boys here in Mayberry

and he thinks he's got
four rock Hudsons there.

Well, good luck.

Okay.

I better get
back to school.

Unless, of course

you want to sign me in
as your deputy.

I've run out of badges.

Oh, okay.
See you tonight?

Tonight.

Take a point
to the right here, boys.

Got to agree with you--

too skinny.

Likely to be sickly.

Coming up on
the left, boys.

You're for
certain right.

Too big a
mouth to feed.

Well?

They moved over
to elm street

and set there for an
hour and ten minutes.

Then they stood in front of
the diner for another hour

and they moved
over to the park...

I don't care
where they went, goober.

Did they bother anybody?

They just ogled girls.

Sheriff?

What?

Just come by to give
you my sympathies.

What for?

I sure understand why
you're still a single man.

The pickings in this
town is mighty slim.

Not one female we saw
come up to muster.

Oh, well, I'm sure sorry
to hear that, briscoe.

They couldn't have seen
all the girls...

Goober!

What was you
saying, big ear?

Make him quit
calling me big ear.

What, uh, what-what
goober was trying to say

is that it is true
that when you're trying

to find a girl
here in Mayberry

it's pretty
slim pickings.

You can sure
say that again.

We're going back
up to the hills

and take another
look at that crop.

Yeah, that's
a good idea.

Got to go pick
up charlene

and say farewell
to miss aunt bee.

See you next
year, sheriff.

I'll see you!

Miss bee, I sure do
want to thank you

for that fine lunch.

You're always welcome,
briscoe.

All of you are.

What do you say
to miss bee, boys?

Oh, it was nothing.

Charlene, do you see
what I see?

It's an owl.

Not just an owl, ma'am,
that's an omen

and we couldn't
of been hankering

for a better one
right now.

Really?

The most powerful
omen there is.

One of the boys
is going

to get hisself a bride
after all.

You see an owl
at daytime

and the next
female you see

is sure enough
the bride for thee.

The next female y...?

Oh, well, you don't
really believe that.

Ma'am, you don't doubt
the omen of the owl?

What?!

That's right, ma'am,
you get your pick.

Any one of these fine,
upstanding boys

is yours for a life
of wedded bliss.

Will you please
just get out of my way?

Mr. Darling, you stop
all this nonsense

and leave her alone.

I was kind of hoping you'd
cotton up to Dean here.

Rodney here--
he's a fun-loving one

and Doug over there
is kind of tall...

Mr. Darling!
For the last time.

Please, miss bee,
I appreciate your help

but let the lady
decide for herself.

Mr. Darling,
I'm simply not interested

in marrying
any of your sons.

Nobody said anything
about right now.

The courtship's going
to take at least two days.

Then whichever one finds
your heartstrings, he's yours.

Mr. Darling!

Sheriff! I got me
a new sister-in-law!

We finally got us a bride.

What are you
talking about?

The owl made the match.

The owl?

Oh, some silly
omen they saw.

Silly?

If you're looking for a bride
and you see an owl at day

the next female you come across

has stole your
heart away.

Andy, do something!

Look, it so happens
that miss crump...

Miss crump?

Society, eh?

Oh!

Look, she, uh... she...
She's not interested

in any of your boys.

Well, it's fitting

that a girl do
a little balking.

She wouldn't be a lady

if an' she didn't.

Maybe this'll
straighten it out for you.

It so happens that
miss crump is my girl.

Steady, boys.

Your girl?

Yes.

Well, sheriff,
that comes a surprise.

Why, you're a good friend
and all that

and I hate to take
your girl away from you

but an omen is an omen.

Andy?!
Briscoe...

I ain't got time
to talk to you now.

I got to run the boys through
a creek a couple of times

to get them ready
to come a-courtin'.

Everybody on the truck.

I'll see you later.

Oh, Andy, do something.

Now, briscoe,
I've told you once

and I'm telling you again,
miss crump is my girl

and if you
don't stay away from her

I'm going to arrest you!

Now, you remember that!

And we mean it!

Well, what do you think
will happen?

I don't...

Maybe while he's running
them through the creek

they'll all drown.

Well, I'll
tell you one thing.

They're not going to get
any more of my muffins.

If we could just
reason with them

but people that live
by omens and witchcraft

and stuff like that--

you just can't get
through to them.

Andy!

What?

Andy! Andy!

Andy, they're back.

They're back.

Where?

Over at Helen's.

* there is a time
for us to wander *

* when time is young
and so are we *

* the woods are greener
over yonder *

* the path is new,
the world is, too *

Well, howdy,
there, sheriff.

Briscoe!

Doin' a little serenading,
give her some idea

of the beautiful music

that's going to fill
her life from now on.

I thought I told you
to stay away from her.

Don't get riled.

Now, briscoe, I'm trying...

That's the spirit.

You just listen to me.

Now, sheriff, I'm sorry
that miss crump

used to be
your girlfriend,

but I don't know why

a reasonable man
like yourself

can't understand

that seein' that owl
in the daytime

sealed her fate

and the only thing
that can unseal it

is a counter-omen

and that would be seein'
another owl in the daytime

which ain't likely.

Why don't you
get on the truck

and go up in the mountains
and find one?

That don't count.

Uh, where you going?

I'm going to see miss crump.

Going to tell
her goodbye?

He's going to tell
miss crump goodbye, boys

so play a little
sprightly music

to cover up the sobbin'.

Well, do you hear
what's going on out there?

Yes.

As loud as they can get?

Now, look...
What are you going
to do about it?

Well...
Don't just stand there.
Say something.

Give me an opening.

All right,
you've got an opening.

Now, what are you
going to do?

I don't know.

You beat everything.

You just beat everything.

Well, I threatened
to arrest them.

I threatened to
throw them in jail

and all he keeps doing
is telling me how

I ought to be reasonable,
how the owl is an omen,

and how a marriage
between you and one
of his boys is destiny

and the only thing
that will cancel it
is a counter-omen,

which is seeing another owl
in the daytime, and I...

W-Wait.

What?

Wait right here.
Just wait right here.

But where you going?

Just wait right
here. Wait.

Did you say
your partings?

Yeah, I said
my partings.

Sheriff, did she
happen to mention

which one of the boys
she's taken a cotton to?

Well, I'm not sure,
but I believe

she's just crazy
over Rodney.

Easy, boy.

Ahem, briscoe,
I don't believe

that miss crump's
in the mood

for any more
serenading tonight.

Oh, bless
her little heart.

She's getting tired,
ain't she?

Well, after all,
it is after : .

Well, listen,

you're going to need
a marriage license, right?

Why don't you just wait
'til in the morning, see?

And maybe I can
help you with it.

Well, that's very
nice of you, sheriff.

Good. Now, you stop by
my house, say, at : .

: ?
: . We'll be there.

Everybody,
on the truck.

Nearly : -- they ought
to be along any minute.

Well, I hope so.

Are you all set?

Set as I'll ever be.

Now, remember
what I told you.

You got to stay covered.

It's got to be
done very gently.

I got you.

That sounds like them.

It is.

All right, get covered
with branches.

Right there.

I, uh, just want
to make sure

you're not blocking
the driveway.

Hey, charlene.

Sheriff, where's
this license thing

you was tellin' us about?

It's in town.

It's in town, but listen.

It just happens
that aunt bee

has brought some
of those good muffins

you like so much
right off the fire.

Want some?

That's a good idea.

Boys! Boys!

Now, you be nice.

Okay, goober.

B-But I had
a half a muffin left.

Well, you can eat
the rest of them

on the way uptown.

Oh, uh, miss bee,
uh, I sure wish

you'd write out the receipt
for them muffins.

I will. I will.

They don't taste like ours.

You say you don't put
no sour mash in 'em?

No. It's
an old family recipe.

We'd better go
to the courthouse

and get the license.

Some other time.

Hey, look.

Pa, it's an owl.

The second owl
in the daytime.

That's a counter-omen.

It means only
one thing--

that miss crump
really ain't

the perfect mate
after all.

Looky there.

I never seen an owl
fly that way.

Went straight up,
without so much

as a fluttering
of a wing.

It's gone.

B-But it
was an owl.

Oh, definitely
an owl.

Oh, yeah, it
was an owl.

I ain't too sure.

Now, there's a lot
of strange birds

flying down from
the north lately--

brands I ain't
never seen before.

What do you
think, boys?

Well, I got to
agree with you.

Before we call off
this here marrying

I'd like another look
at that there owl.

There's not
much chance

that owl's going
to fly back here.

Oh, I don't know.

He might fly
back again.

He's there again.

Look at the way
he's a-flying.

He's upside down.

He's got to be
from out of state.

There's no
question, briscoe.

No other bird looks
quite like an owl.

No other bird
looks like an owl.

There he goes.

He's gone.

Uh, sheriff, I guess
it's an owl's own business

the way he flies.

The important thing is
we saw the counter-omen.

Miss crump's
going to be

awful broke up
about this.

I'm sorry about
that, sheriff,

but we just can't
take no chances.

Now, you tell
that miss crump lady

that Rodney will always hold

a soft spot in his heart
for her.

Come on, boys.

Yeah, well.

Bye.

Hey.

What you doing up there,
big ears?

I just like to climb trees.

Well, there's a crazy owl
flying around somewhere

so watch out.

Tell miss crump
that I'm sorry

she lost out
on the boys.

Make up some kind
of a story.

Let her down easy,
you know.

See ya.

Right. Bye.

Bye, sheriff.

Bye, miss bee.

Oh, my!
What a commotion.

Yeah. Well,
I'll tell you

one thing, goob--
you really saved the day.

That's all right,
Andy.

It was
a brilliant idea.

Well.

Well, they sure are
funny folks.

No, they're just
superstitious, they still

live by the same folklore
that they learned

from their parents
and their grandparents.

I know, but you'd think,
after all these years,

they'd know those things
aren't true.

Well, yeah.

Well, I'll take
this back

over to the lodge
and put it on the mantle.

Okay.
Thanks, goob.

I guess us city folks
have just got

more intelligence --
I'll see y'all.

Okay, goob.

Bye, goober.

What are you doing,
goober?

Well, "step on a crack,
break your mother's back."

Don't tell me you didn't
know about that, Andy.

Hmm