05x23 - TV or Not TV

[bunniefuu]

Starring Andy Griffith...

With Ronny Howard...

Also starring Don knotts.

Isn't this nice?

Oh, this is awfully nice.

Andy, this is
a real honor for you.

It sure is.

A piece written about you

in the national
sheriff's magazine.

Well, they could have picked

lots of sheriffs to write about,

but they picked you.

I like the title of
the story, too, pa...

"sheriff without a g*n."
That's neato.

Yeah.

"Even though sheriff Andy Taylor

"doesn't carry a g*n,

Mayberry has one of the lowest
crime rates in the country."

Well, we owe that to you,
Andy. We do.

Well, Barney, too.

Oh, yes, yes.

"And working with sheriff Taylor

is his most capable deputy,
Barney fise."

Fise?

Barney fise?

Oh, they spelled his name wrong.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, dear.

Hey, pa, can I take the magazine

to school tomorrow
and show it to the kids?

Oh. Well, sure.

Want to brag on your old man
a little, do you?

Oh, why don't you tell him
about the telegram?

What telegram, pa?

I don't know what it means,

but I got a wire this morning

about a TV writer
arriving tomorrow,

all the way from Hollywood...

Something about doing a TV show

based on, uh, this article.

Gee whiz, pa,
are you going to be in it?

Oh, of course not.

Hi, and.

Oh, hi, Barn.

You remember that writer
from law and order

that interviewed us?
Yeah.

I heard the article's
in this month's issue.

Did you get it yet?

Yeah, it was here
when I got home.

Well, why didn't you call me?
Where is it?

It's here, Barney.

Oh. Oh,
that's a good title...

"sheriff without a g*n."

Oh, that's a wonderful
picture of you, and,

just wonderful.
Thanks.

"Quiet, unassuming,
friendly, likable...

"all these adjectives
truly describe

Mayberry's
sheriff Andy Taylor."

This guy's a good writer.

"Working with sheriff Taylor

is his most capable
deputy, Barney fise."

Barney fise?

Well, everybody knows it's you.

Well, you'd think a man

that earns his living
as a writer

could learn to spell.

Well, it happens sometimes,

and he said
a lot of nice things.

He called you "capable"...

Yeah, he can spell "capable."
He can't spell "Fife."

But it's a nice article, Barney,

and we're real proud
of both of you, aren't we?

We sure are.

Oh, well...Fise.

Well, here's something
that might interest you.

Hmm?
Look there.

They're going to do
a TV show about us?

Well, it's not really about us.

It's just they saw something
in the article

that interested 'em,
and they want

to come down here
and look around.

Well, that's really
something, ain't it?

Well, like you've always said,

television's moving ahead
by leaps and bounds.

Well, you see, we've wanted
to do a show

about a sheriff
for quite some time,

but we haven't been able
to come up with...

A different twist...
Something to make it unusual.

Then when I saw this article,
"sheriff without a g*n,"

I knew we had
what we were looking for.

Well, that's very flattering.

I think it would be wonderful.

Do you do some of this writing,
too, miss Blake?

Oh, no, no.

I'm just a production assistant.

Oh.
Production assistant.

I think this whole thing
has tremendous possibilities

for a series.

Well, even the title alone
is so intriguing...

"sheriff without a g*n."

It's pure and simple
and americana,

and yet it has glamour.

Oh, well, I don't think

you're gonna find
too much glamour in my work.

Oh, sheriff,
you're just being modest.

Well

oh, it's just all so charming.

Yes, it is.

Well, we spend a lot
of time here.

Oh, my deputy sits over there.
Oh.

I told him that you had arrived

and to pop in
if he gets a chance.

Good, I'd like to meet him,
sheriff.

Well, anything
that I can do to help.

Well, we'll try and stay out
of your hair.

Only we will want to see
you doing

the things you do every day
in the year

in your natural surroundings.

Oh, well, I just hope
it won't be too dull.

Hi, Andy.

Barn.

I picked up a rumor
about an escaped criminal.

I thought
there might be fireworks.

Barn, this is Mr. Harvey
and miss Blake

about that, uh, television show.

Oh, yes, you did mention
they had arrived.

Mr. Harvey.

Miss Blake.

Oh, you must be deputy fise.

Fife. F-i-f-e.

That was a misprint
in that article.

Make a note of that, pat.

F-i-f-e.

Bernard.

Well, why don't we all sit down?

No point in standing around
in the middle of the room.

So, you're figuring
on doing a TV show, huh?

That's right.

Well, I've done
a little acting myself...

Mostly right here in Mayberry.

Once a year we put on a show,

and I usually manage
to land one of the leads.

Last year,
we did "Rose Marie."

I played the Nelson eddy part.

Ooh...

You know, the Canadian mountie.

I was in uniform there, too.

It was pretty good,
wasn't it, and?

Uh, yeah, the drama critic
in the Mayberry gazette

said Barney gave
a stellar performance.

I notice, deputy,
that the sheriff

doesn't carry a g*n, but you do.

That's right.

I believe at least
one of us should.

I keep this little baby
right here, ready for business.

No, I wouldn't go anywhere
without the ol' Roscoe...

Little persuader...

Blue steel baby.

By the way, what do you fellows

usually call it
in one of your scripts?

We usually call it a g*n.

Uh, sheriff, as a starter,

do you mind if
I kind of snoop around?

Well, help yourself.

I'll be glad to show you around.

Oh, thank you.

Maybe you'd be interested
in seeing our back room.

Now, to the average person,

this might just look
like a back room,

but if these walls could talk...

If these walls could talk,
they'd probably say,

"this ain't nothin'
but a back room."

You're both so different.
How's that?

But it is good
to get both sides.

Oh, yeah.
I suppose.

Tell me, sheriff Taylor,
why don't you carry a g*n?

Oh...

I don't know.

When a man carries a g*n
all the time,

the respect
he thinks he's getting

might really be fear.

So I don't carry a g*n

because I don't want
the people of Mayberry

to fear a g*n.

I'd rather
they would respect me.

That was beautifully said.

Could we use that in the script,

just the way you said it?

Oh, well...
Sure, I-If you want.

You see, on one of
these all-night vigils

like a robbery, a stakeout,
a mad-dog k*ller,

this is where we hole up.

I see.

Well, you see, miss Blake...

Oh, "pat."

Oh. "Pat."

I don't think
you're going to find

too much excitement
in law enforcement

here in Mayberry.
Oh?

Oh, no, no, no.

See, most of our-our police work

is just parking tickets

and helping young 'uns
across the street

and putting lids
back on trash cans.

He had me by the throat.

It was a question
of his life or mine.

Well, that could make
a whole episode.

Yeah, it might.
You got that name, didn't you?

It's f-i-f-e.
Uh, Barn...

Don't you think
we better get out on patrol?

Yeah, we better hit it.

You all are welcome
to come with us.

I'd like to.

Pat, you'd better
go back to the hotel

and type up those notes.

Well, why don't you
just stay right here

and use our typewriter?

Oh, fine, thank you.

Sit right there in the chair,

and there's paper
in the top drawer there.

Oh, thanks very much.
Uh, see you later?

Well, sure.

Well, uh, uh...
Shall we?

Yeah, yeah, we better hit it.

Oh, hi, Barn, Andy!

Hey, Andy, Barn!

Oh, hi, Floyd, goober.

Uh, Mr. Harvey,
I'd like you to meet

Floyd Lawson and goober beasley,

our barber and filling
station attendant.

How do you do?

Pleased to know you.
He's the barber.

That's right.

Goober here keeps our cars
running for us.

He's the filling
station attendant.

Two important people, eh?

That's right.

Mr. Harvey's here
to do some research

on a television show
he's got planned

based on the Mayberry
sheriff's office.

No! Gee.

Well, did you tell him about me?

No.

I was a deputy once.
Remember

you wanted somebody
to carry the flag in the parade,

and you deputized me.

I been deputized
a couple of times, too.

Did you know that?

Oh, really?
When was that?

Just during emergencies.

What type of emergency?

Every Halloween, I'm in charge

of guarding
the Cannon in the park.

Kids are always filling it
full of orange peelings

and potatoes and rotten tomatoes
and things like that.

It's real disrespectful.

Ever since I've been in charge
of guarding that Cannon,

they ain't even as much
as got a grape in it.

Well, that's wonderful.

Yeah, you've been doing
a fine job, goober.

Well, Barn, we got a lot to do.
We better get in the car.

We'll see you boys.

'Bye.

Well, I guess
you'll sleep good tonight.

I sure will.
That was quite a day.

Right now, though,
I'm going to call

my producer in California
and tell him to get on a plane.

I'm sure we've got a show here.

I'll see you tomorrow.

All right, good night.

Night.

How'd it go?

Perfect. Couldn't be better.
Yeah?

This will be the easiest job
we ever pulled.

The only thing we're going
to have to think about

is how much we want to take.

If we had a moving Van,

I think we could take
the whole town.

That simple?

They sure are.

The sheriff doesn't carry a g*n,

and the deputies are idiots.
Good!

Just to play it safe, though,

you see the sheriff
keeps his mind on you.

Right.

As far as that fellow, fise...

His mind we don't have
to worry about.

Hey, Barn?

I just got a call over
at the house from Mr. Harvey.

His producer has arrived,
and he wants to bring him over.

Oh, great!

What are you doing?

Just a sec, Andy.

What's that?

It's a story line
for that TV show about us.

You're not a writer.

Well, that woman up north
wasn't a writer, either,

but she wrote
that "Peyton place."

Let's see how you like it.

All right, "fade in"...

"Fade in"?
What's that?

That's where you don't
see anything at first,

and, then, gradually, you do.
Oh.

Well, every movie
you've ever seen fades in.

I guess.

Fade in.
Fade in.

"A train pulls in
to a small-town station,

and two sinister-looking men
get off the train."

Is that all?
That's kind of short.

Well, that's just the first part

where you kind of
grab the audience

before you go
into the advertisement.

Good morning, sheriff, deputy.

I'd like you to
meet my producer,

Mr. Gilbert jamel.

Glad to meet you,
sheriff Taylor.

Deputy fise.
Uh, Fife.

Deputy Fife.
Sorry.

Good morning.

Good morning.

You were right, Harvey...
Perfect background.

Oh, it's just
an ordinary sheriff's office.

Well, it may seem
that way to you,

but it has a certain
right feeling about it.

That's what I told you.

Well, won't you all set down?

Oh, thank you.

Well, sheriff, I guess
we're all set to go.

Now, the first thing
we've got to do

is come up with
a big, exciting story

for a first show,

one that is suspenseful,
dramatic.

Well,
I just been working... Barn.

Boy, you fellows sure move fast.

Well, we can't waste any time
in this business.

Not if you want to keep up
with the competition, right?

Well, I'm sure
the sheriff has had

some experiences
we might base a story on.

Oh, nothing you'd
really call dramatic, no.

Well, I just been working on...

Say, how about a plain, old

oh, I don't know.
It's been done to death.

But, Gil, it's all
in the way you do it.

But if I go in to Jim

with the first show
a bank robbery...

He'll love it.

Well, I don't know.

Do you think people will
believe your Mayberry bank

has enough money to
justify a big robbery?

Well, sure, like tonight...

I'll bet they have
close to $ ,

in that vault on Friday.

Okay, it's settled.

Now, the first thing
we've got to do

is look over the bank,
get the feel of the place.

I'll be glad
to take you over there.

Fine!

Why don't I stay here
with the sheriff

and get more about his
background and experiences?

Oh, if that's all right
with you, sheriff?

Oh, well, sure.

Oh, well, uh...
Shall we be going?

Hey, listen, listen, listen.
I got a good idea.

When you finish
all your work today,

why don't you stop over
at the house and have supper?

Aunt bee would
be glad to have you.

Say, that's awfully nice of you.

Thank you, sheriff.

Listen, I'll be glad

to show you around the bank,

because I know every nook
and cranny of it...

Fire exits,
alarm systems, the works.

I hope you won't get
too technical for us.

Oh, no, no.
I'll keep it basic.

You know, one of
the primary rules

of being a law
enforcement officer

is to be thoroughly familiar

with the places a criminal
is most likely to strike.

Well, let's go.

See you later.

We'll see you.

Nice fellow.

You know, the longer I know you,

the more I think you could
play the sheriff.

Oh, no.
Come on, come on.

No, I'd probably faint

if I ever got
in front of a camera.

Oh, don't be silly.

I think you probably
have just the qualities

we're looking for.

Oh, now...

No, come on, m-miss Blake.

Oh, "pat," remember?

Oh. Yeah. Pat.

Come right on in.

Now, don't let
appearances fool you.

Actually, this bank is equipped

with every known
modern security system.

Furthermore...

The teller windows
are right up here.

Asa!

Asa, wake up!

Hmm?
Asa.

Oh, h-hi, Barney.

You're a disgrace to your uniform.
Do you know that?

Mr. Meldrim.

Andy called and said
you were coming over.

I guess you must be
the two gentlemen from the TV.

Yeah, this is Mr. Jamel,
Mr. Harvey.

Welcome to Mayberry.

Mr. Meldrim is the manager
of the bank.

Well, a TV show about the
sheriff of Mayberry, huh?

I guess that's about
the biggest thing

that ever happened to this town.

In the first show,
the bank's gonna be robbed.

Really?
Oh, I must tell my wife.

She'll be tickled pink.

Mr. Meldrim,
you don't mind

if we look around, do you?

Oh, of course not.

We may want to take
some pictures of the vault.

I understand.

Make yourselves at home,
gentlemen.

Everything the bank has
is yours.

The vault's right over there.

Right this way.

Aunt bee, that was not only

one of the best meals
I've ever had,

but it was served
by the most charming hostess.

Delicious.

Thank you.

Would anyone care
for some more coffee?

Uh, when do you fellas figure
on starting making the picture?

Well, that's hard to say.

There's a lot of pre-production
work to be done yet.

You know, I was suggesting

to your nephew
that he'd be perfect

for the part of the sheriff
in the picture.

Andy?

Oh.
She was kidding.

Well, why not?

After all, he is the
sheriff without a g*n,

and that's the character.

Well, you know the only reason
he doesn't carry a g*n

is because it makes him feel
too heavy on one side.

No, I don't believe that.

Well, how did you say it, Andy?

"When a man carries a g*n,

"the respect he thinks
he's getting

might really be fear."

We've got to use that.

Did you really say that, pa?

Well...yeah.
Gosh.

I don't know if you folks
picked up that line I said

about the
law enforcement officer

being thoroughly familiar
with the places criminals

are most likely to strike.

Feel free to use that
if you want to.

I've made a note of that.

Oh.

Well, we'd better get to work.

No kidding? You fellas even
have to work at night?

Yes, I imagine we're
often starting to work

just when you people in Mayberry
are going to sleep.

Well, you folks in Mayberry

go to bed pretty early, do you?

Well, not all of us.

Sometimes I don't get into bed

before almost : .

Night owl.

You, too, sheriff?

Oh, no, not that late.

I try to get into bed : ,
: at the outside, really.

Well, that is sensible.

I wish I could get into
that habit.

It's healthy.

Well, this certainly has been
a pleasant evening.

Well, I'm sorry you all
have to go back to work.

See you tomorrow, Andy?

Well, yeah.

Thank you very much.
Thank you.

I'll just get the door.

Well, good night.
Good night.

I hope you don't have
to work too hard.

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, my, weren't
they lovely people?

Oh, yeah.

Come on, Opie.
You're supposed to be in bed.

Good night, pa.
Good night.

Good night, ope.

Oh, you know, Andy,

the bigger they are,
the nicer they are.

Who ever said big sh*ts
in TV aren't friendly?

I don't know. Who?

They're friendly.

Well, I guess
I better be going, too.

Okay. Look here.

Hmm. I'll be darned.

Mr. Jamel left his hat.

Well, I'll take it
to the courthouse.

They'll probably drop over
in the morning.

Well, I'm going to be
going that direction.

I can drop it off at the hotel.

Oh, well, okay.

Yeah. All right.
Well, good night.

Good night.
Don't sit up all night.

Mr. Jamel!

Oh. It's you,
deputy.

Uh...cut!
Huh?

Well, I'm glad to see you.

Uh, we were just rehearsing
the escape scene.

I bet you thought
it was the real thing.

You're...rehearsing?
Well, how'd you get in?

Mr. Meldrim was kind enough
to give us the key.

It's much easier
working at night

when there isn't anybody around.

Oh, well, sure.
I can understand that.

I hope you have no objection.

Oh, no, of course not.
Why should I?

Oh, you left your hat.

Oh, thank you.
Say, I just had a thought.

Now, maybe you can help us. Me?

Yes! Help us
stage the scene.

Oh, I think he'd be excellent!

You know,
we haven't overlooked you

as a possibility
when we come to casting.

You haven't?

Well, gee, I'd be glad to help.

As I told you, I've had

considerable
theatrical experience.

What do you want me to do?

Well, just take this bag
and head for the door.

Well, sure.

Now, I am the camera.

And you just want me
to head straight for the door?

Mm-hmm.
That's right.

Now, you start moving,
and I'll start panning.

Ready...action!

Good.

That's very good.

Real natural.

Andy.

Well...

You're spoiling
the escape scene.

Well, that's kind of
what I had in mind.

No, you don't understand.

This happens to be
a very important rehearsal.

He knows nothing
about the theater.

But I do know about banks,

and this one's
been locked for hours.

Well, that shows
how much you know.

Mr. Meldrim
loaned them the key.

How come the door's
been jimmied?

Huh?

What are you doing
with that bag?

Well, uh...

Let's just have a look.

Hmm.

Where'd you get the tip

oh, I don't know.

I just got to wondering

why they were
so interested in banks

and what time we go to bed
and everything.

Well, let's go over
to the courthouse.

Pat, maybe for a change,

we can talk about
your background.

Now, take it easy, sheriff.

You seem to have forgotten

the title of the script...

"sheriff without a g*n."

Uh, it's true
I don't carry a g*n,

but my deputies do.

All right, let's move out.

Come on. Let's go.

Okay.

Thought they had me fooled.

Forget it, Barn.

I still say it'd make
a great television series.

Oh, come on.

And I still say we ought to try

and get some Hollywood producer
interested in it.

Oh, they wouldn't be interested
in a thing like this.

Look, stranger things
have happened.

And I've already got
a pretty good lineup

on the first story.

You figuring on us
playing the parts, too?

Well, I'm not
ruling out anything.

Now, look, it's still
a bank robbery.

Now, the crooks come into town,
they put up in a hotel,

and I immediately get suspicious

and start keeping an eye
on them.

From various vantage points,
I watch their every move.

Where am I?

Oh, well, you happen

to be out of town
for a couple of days.

We do a nice warm scene
with you in a restaurant.

Now, the crooks case the bank

and the town
for a couple of days,

and I'm watching them
every second of the time.

Oh, you finally come back
into town, by the way.

Now, when the robbery
is talking place,

I enter the bank
with my g*n drawn.

Well, what am I doing?

Oh. Well, you've come down
with a virus infection.

You're at home in bed,

and aunt bee is bringing you
chicken soup.

You know, a lot of heart.

You know, it don't seem to me
like the sheriff's

got much to do in this.

Well, gee, I don't get
that feeling at all, and.

I mean, have you ever scene
a virus scene properly played?

It could be the high spot
of the picture.