05x19 - The Lucky Letter

[bunniefuu]

Starring Andy Griffith...

With Ronny Howard...

Also starring Don knotts.

Barn!

Hey, Barn!

Uh, coming, Andy.

Straightening up back there.

Yeah, it gets messy back there.

Yeah.

What?
Did you get a haircut?

No.

Very funny, Andy.

Very funny.

You must have been out late
last night, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, I was, actually.

Mm.

You go over to Helen's?

Yeah, I went over there,

but she felt like she was coming
down with a cold or something,

so I went on home about : ,
: , I guess.

Oh, yeah?

Boy, I bet my head
didn't hit that pillow

before a quarter of : .

Quarter to : .

Boy, I don't know
how you stand it,

burning the candle
at both ends that way.

Well, these are my salad days.

What's in the mail?

"Police officers' qualifying
this Friday.

Mt. Pilot p*stol range."

Seems like I just qualified.

You know that was
a whole year ago?

Huh. Well,
no problem there.

I just knock the spots
right out of them.

Yeah.

No mail for me, I suppose.
There never is.

You'd think just by the law
of averages...

You're sitting on a letter. Huh?

You're sitting on a letter.

Why didn't you say so?

I did.

Oh.

Anything interesting?

Chain letter.

Oh.

"Dear friend..."
Oh, yeah.

"...this is a chain letter,
and for your own sake

"the chain must not be broken.

"Make two copies of this letter
and send them on to friends

"whom you Cherish.

Thus you will be blessed
with good fortune..."

Otherwise, if you
break the chain,

something terrible
is gonna happen.

Yeah.
Yeah.

I wish people would stop
sending me these things.

Yeah, it's childish.

It's just childish.

Just clutters up the mail.

Yeah.

You got any paper?

You going to answer the letter?

Yeah.

Boy, you sure are superstitious,

believing in chain letters.

I am not superstitious.

And who says I believe
in chain letters?

I just don't mess around
with them, that's all.

That's superstition.

Now, here's where we come
to a matter of terms.

You call it superstition.
I call it caution.

Hey, Barn.

Does the number bother you?

I'm not crazy about it,
but it don't bother me.

Let me ask you something.

Suppose you was going to take
a trip on an airplane

and they gave you
seat number .

What would you do?

If that was the only seat,
I'd fly the next day.

Now, there. You see?

A few weeks ago

you got a hold of these gypsy
fortune-telling cards

and lamps and you had
Opie making wishes.

They came true, didn't they?

The cards had nothing
to do with it.

That was just a bunch
of coincidences.

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

I'm just trying to tell you

you're a very
superstitious person.

I am not a superstitious person!

I'm a cautious person.

My mother was cautious.

Superstitious.
Cautious!

Superstitious.

Cautious, cautious,
cautious, cautious!

You want to see how
superstitious I am?

Want to go up
to the diner for lunch?

Fine.

Want me to get the letter?

No.

Hi, Floyd.

Hey.

Sit down.

All right.
I got a minute.

You passed along
that letter, didn't you?

You didn't break
the chain, did you?

Oh, boy.

I might have known it was you
that sent it.

Are you superstitious.

I am not superstitious.

Say, what happened
to your neck there?

Say...

Now, don't make a big
deal out of nothing.

I just nicked myself
shaving this morning

that's all.

Starting already.

My, these things work fast.

And your forehead,
it's kind of red.

What'd you do, bump it?

Yeah, I bumped it.

It had nothing to do
with your stupid letter.

That's too bad.

You better not break the chain,
Barney.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

You know what happened to me
since I sent that letter along?

No. And I don't want to know.

The first thing this morning

I had a traveling man
from Raleigh.

He was a fertilizer salesman,
and he gave me a dollar tip.

He did?

First thing this morning.

Well, now that proves
to the hard analytical mind

exactly nothing,

and I'm not sending
that letter along.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Some terrible things
can happen to a man.

Oh, terrible.

Your neck's not bleeding
again, is it?

No, it's not bleeding again.

Oh, I'm glad about that.

Floyd, let me explain something
to you once and for all.

Now, a peace officer
has got an image to protect

in this community,
and that means

he can't be giving in
to any silly superstition.

You got that?

Oh, sure, Barney

but what's that got to do
with the chain letter?

Oh, forget it, Floyd.
Just forget it.

You will be careful,
won't you, Barney?

Hi, Barney.

Oh, hi, ope.

Where you going, Barney?

I got to pick up the squad car.

It's over at the station.

I'll see you.

You're on my foot!
You're on my foot!

Back it up!
Back it up!

Hey, Barney, you hurt?

Yes!

What's the matter
with you, norbert?

What kind of driving
do you call that, anyway?!

I ought to write you a citation
for speeding, reckless driving,

and failure to observe
an officer!

What's the matter with you?!

You...

You better go back inside, ope.

You're cramping my language.

You know what you are,
don't you, norbert?

Pa?
Hmm?

Is there something the matter
with Barney?

What makes you ask that?

Well, he's so jumpy, like.

Floyd says he's got a curse
on him.

Listen, I wouldn't pay
too much attention to Floyd.

You know, he tends to go off
the deep end a little bit.

But Barney sure acts like
he's got a curse on him.

Well, it's not a curse.
It's not a curse.

It's like, um...

Well, you know like
when you're playing baseball

and you're out in the field
and you miss a few fly balls.

And then you try harder,
and then you get all tensed up,

and then you can't catch
anything.

Yeah, boy.
Huh.

All the time, all you need to do
is just loosen up a little.

If Barney sent along
that chain letter

and didn't break the chain,
wouldn't that loosen him up?

Floyd had to tell you
about that, too, did he?

Now, listen.

Barney got along just fine

before there was
any chain letter.

That's just superstition.

And he's gonna have to learn

that a chain letter
doesn't mean anything.

And I don't want you
paying attention

to a chain letter either,
you hear?

Okay, pa.

Want me to drive?

Now I can't even drive
a car, is that it?

You're afraid to ride
with me, is that it?

Forget I mentioned it.

Just in case you're worried,

I won't make a move without you.

Is everything clear?

Looks all clear to me.

Okay to go?

Give her the g*n.

Fine.

Why don't you sit down?

Who can sit down?

Don't you know
the qualifying's tomorrow?

Don't you know that?

I know that.
What's gonna happen then?

Ever try to p*stol-sh**t
when you're jinxed?

It can't be done.

You're just making yourself
accident-prone.

You think about the bad
things that can happen

till they do.

And they're gonna keep right on
and I'm not gonna qualify

and I'm gonna be off the force,
and it's gonna be your fault!

My fault?!

Your fault, your fault,
your fault!

Oh, come on!

What are you
going to do tonight?

Nothing.
Sit around in my room.

Not much can happen there.

No, except you'll worry
yourself to death.

Why don't you
call up Thelma Lou?

Oh, what's the use?

Something terrible
will probably happen.

Oh, no, it won't.

Call her up.

Go over there and spend
a nice, relaxing evening.

Pop a little popcorn.

Play a little Chinese checkers
or something.

Just have a nice evening.

I don't know.

Oh, go on. Call her.

You really think I should?

Sure. Call her up,
sit around, you know?

Okay.

That's a time.

Sarah, get me Thelma Lou,
will you?

Make you feel % better.

Yeah, maybe.
Yeah.

How do I know where she is?
You're the phone operator.

Now, I don't mean a big evening.
Don't stay up late or anything.

Just a nice, relaxing evening.

I suppose you're right.
Yeah.

Nothing like an adoring woman
to build a man up.

Thelma Lou certainly is that.

Yeah.

She's mad about me.

You know...

Oh, hi, thel.

Big Barn.
How you doing?

Listen, thel, you're in for
quite a surprise for tonight.

You see, I...

Well, I know tonight's
not our regular date night.

That's what's
a surprise about it.

Well, which is
more important... me

or gluing covers back on hymn
books with Edgar Coleman?

And what about you
and Edgar Coleman?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know.

You're just gluing covers
back on hymn books.

Easy, Barn.
Another thing...

Just tell me this right now...
You make up your mind

whether it's going to be
Edgar Coleman or Barney Fife,

'cause that's just about
the situation as she exists.

You're going to blow it.

Which is it going to be?

What do you mean,
I can't talk to you that way?

I just did talk to you that way,
and I'll tell you this...

Hello?

Hello?

You know what she just did?

Hung up.

Well, that's the end of that.

Sweetest little girl
in the world.

There goes the dream...

The Ivy-covered cottage,
the patter of little feet...

Pbht!

Why don't you call her back?

Sarah, get me juanita
down at the diner.

I don't care whether you think

I ought to call juanita or not!

Just get her!

Listening in again.

Hi. Juanita?

Oh, hi, frank.

Uh, she's not there, huh?

Oh.
No message.

You gonna tell me
that's not a curse?

Well, it seems to me

you brought a little
of that on yourself.

Brought it on myself?!

With all the evidence
that's piling up

before your very eyes?

Boy, you sure are getting
yourself in a fine state

for the p*stol
qualifying tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

For a man in my position,
there is no tomorrow!

Where you going?

Swept into the dustbin
of history.

Exit Barney Fife.

You worried about Barney, pa?

No, I'm not worried about him.

He can take care of himself.

I just wonder where he is
is all.

Hmm.

He's not at the courthouse,
not at the diner.

His landlady hasn't seen him.

Floyd hasn't seen him.

I just don't know
where he got to.

Out practicing with his g*n?

No.
We'd have heard that.

Hmm.

What you do
when you're looking for somebody

is you put yourself
in his position.

Then you think like he does.

Trouble is, I can't think
like Barney does.

Mm-hmm.

Ope.

Yeah, pa.

Suppose you was
in Barney's place.

What would you do?

I think I'd go out to the dump

and...and look
for that chain letter.

Hey, Barn.

How you doing?

Oh, hi, Andy.

I was just checking the dump.

Good.

They ought to start burning
this stuff pretty soon.

Yeah. Well, we've had
some complaints.

They're getting the drift of it

in the northern part of town.

I wouldn't be surprised.

Should have brought my p*stol.

Knock off a few rats.

Yeah.

Well, uh...

Say, what are you doing
out here anyway?

I came to help you
look for the letter.

Well...
Thanks, but I'm...

Afraid it's like looking
for a needle in a haystack.

Aw, come on.

There's a lot of stuff here.

Look at that.

Old buzzy Leonard's car.

Dave burress' stuff.

Ah.

Hey.
Hey, here's a letter.

What

I didn't know Herbert swindell
was such a romantic type.

Oh.

Miss hudgens' grocery list.

Pies, cakes, cookies.

She always claimed her weight
was a glandular condition.

Well, she's got very fat glands.

Yeah.

That's... well...

Uh-oh.

What's this?

Now, who would take a magazine
like this?

Why, that young lady ought to be
ashamed of herself.

Now, who took...

Barney!

I subscribe to that magazine.
You see

this fella was working
his way through college,

and I thought
I'd give him a break.

He ought to be doing right well.

There's some interesting
articles in that magazine...

And by some real
famous authors, too.

Like who?

Well...uh...

I can't think of one offhand,
but what issue is that?

January.

Quite a month, huh?

The photography in there
is excellent.

I mean, look at the ribbon
on her foot there.

The detail is just perfect.

Probably used a very fast lens.

Yeah, yeah, I'd say
that's a fast lens.

Just forget about the magazine.

I mean, my whole career
as a deputy

is just hanging by a thread.

Pretty good, though, huh?

Yeah, well...

Well, want to look some more?

What's the use?

Couldn't find it
in a million years

and what do you care?

Most valuable letter
to come into a man's life,

and you tell him
to throw it away.

Why don't you go to bed?

Yeah, I think I will.

A lot of good it'll do,
but I am.

There.
Look what you made me do.

Morning, Barn.

Morning, ange.

Hey, Barn.

Hi, goober.

Get any sleep last night?

Not a wink.
Not a wink.

You know what the matter
with you is, Barn?

You think too much.

Makes a feller very nervous
when he thinks too much.

Thanks for the tip, goober.

Oh, Barn...

That's not all
goober's got for you.

Right, goober?

Yo.

What are you talking about?

Well, I just got to thinking.

Since Floyd sent you
a copy of the letter,

he must have sent a copy
to somebody else, right?

Why didn't I think of that?

Goober's brought you
his copy, right, goober?

Here you are, Barn.

I sent my two copies on.

One to gomer in the marines,
one to aunt flo.

I had real good luck
since I sent on them letters.

Three flats tires this week.

Ain't had a big flat-tire week
like that all year.

Thanks, goober.

Goob, it was nice of you
to bring the letter over here.

We sure appreciate it.

Aw, I'm always ready
to help a feller out in trouble.

Well, it was mighty nice
of you, goob.

Yeah, it was nice.

Thanks, goober.

You welcome.

Well, we'll, uh,
we'll, we'll see you, goob.

Okay.
See ya, Andy.

I think it was mighty nice
of goober

to come all the way over here

and bring you that letter,
don't you?

What did you mean by that?

Nothing. I just think
it was nice of goober

to come all the way over here
and bring you that letter.

You could have brought it over
here yourself, couldn't you?

Goober didn't mind.

I think I know why you had
goober bring it over.

You're trying to show me

that it's only
the non-intellectual types

like goober and Floyd that go in
for this sort of thing.

Well, Barney,
that's entirely up to you.

It means nothing to you

that I'm afraid to walk
out of the house,

that I've lost Thelma Lou,

that I'm about to lose
out as a deputy.

That means nothing?

It means something,

but I don't think
a jinx is behind it, no.

And if I send these copies on,

then that means I've
given in to superstition.

I'm going to have that
on my back the rest of my life.

Why don't you say it?

You just said it.

Do you have any idea
how hard it is

to work with somebody that
thinks he knows everything?

Barney, why don't you do
whatever you think is best?

No, no. It was your idea to
throw the letter away.

It was your idea to bring
goober over here with it.

So you decide whether
to send it on or not.

There's the letter!
Now, you decide!

Whichever it is, don't tell me!

I don't want to know!

I'll wait for you
out in the squad car.

You work with a person
long enough,

you get as goofy as he is.

Sarah.

Fine. How are you?

Well...

Soak it, Sarah.

Soak it a lot
in warm salt water.

Listen, Sarah,
get me Thelma Lou, will you?

I know she's Barney's girl.

Because I don't want to.

I-I don't want to talk
to juanita.

Now, get me Thelma Lou.

You going to send it?
I don't want to know.

Now, there's nothing to be
nervous about, Barney.

Nervous?
Who's nervous?

Did you mail them letters?
I don't want to know.

Why don't you practice
a little while you wait?

Oh, that won't do no good.

Just draw and aim
right over that way.

Draw and aim.
Draw and aim.

Are you hurt?

You didn't mail them, did you?

Barney, you got to try
to control your nerves.

You still don't understand,
do you?!

It's out of my hands.

Oh, come on.

Hey, look who's coming.

Hi, Thelma Lou.

Thelma Lou?

I just came over
to see my man sh**t.

Isn't that a nice surprise?

Well, I...Got this
sort of head cold, Thelma Lou.

I know you're going to do
wonderfully, Barney.

Course he will.

Well, I...

I do better at moving targets

you know, like fleeing bank
robbers and things like that.

You know, I never have
seen you sh**t, Barney,

and it's such a masculine thing.

Well, the main thing about a g*n

is you never point this baby
at anything

unless you aim to k*ll.

Unless you're sh**ting
at a target, of course.

I hit it.

Good, Barn.
Good, good.

Oh, do it again, Barney!

Well, you sure did it, Barn.

You sure did it.

Oh, that was marvelous, Barney.

Oh, well...

Well, all it takes

is a keen eye and a steady hand.

I guess I was born with them.

Well, the main thing is

you did it all by yourself.

What's that?

Oh, nothing.

Just a good-luck charm
Barney didn't need.

I always feel good

when I can strike a blow
against superstition.

You got a little, uh,
lipstick...

Oh.

Yeah.

I believe you dropped
your rabbit's foot.

It's a key chain.

I just forgot the keys
that go with it.

Here's your four-leaf clover.

Four

yeah, it's a four leaf clover.
Can't you see?

And don't start on that
superstition thing again.

It's caution, just caution!

Hi, Barn.

Floyd.

Morning, Andy.
Wonderful morning.

Yeah.

What you trying to hide there,
Barn?

Oh, I wasn't hiding anything.
I was...

Well, if you must know,

I'm gonna send out these copies
of that lucky letter.

You're kidding.

A wise thing to do, Andy.

Can't do any harm, can it?

That's right.
What harm can it do?

But you already qualified,

and you got Thelma Lou back
and everything.

You did it on your own
without those.

Look, I got by without it,
didn't I?

So now I'll get by with it.

You beat everything.
You beat everything.

I'm gonna drop these in the box.

Mm.

Hot stuff.
Hot stuff.

You're on my foot!
You're on my foot!

Back it up!
Back it up!

What's happened, Andy?
What's happened?

Oh, nothing much.

I guess Barney's
just plain unlucky.