05x16 - Barney Fife, Realtor

[bunniefuu]

Starring Andy Griffith...

With Ronny Howard...

Also starring Don knotts.

Listen, is that iron bed
still sitting in the garage?

Well, I'd move that out
if I was you.

Yeah.
Okay, Mr. Clark.

I hope I can be
of some help to you.

Right. Right. Bye.

Morning, Barn.

Morning, Andy.

Boy, you sure are doing
a lot of figuring.

What, are you buying a house?

What?

You buying a house?

Oh, no.

Not me personally.

I'm in the business.

Hmm.
What business?

The real estate business.

Since when you been in
the real estate business?

Wait a minute.

Come on. Since when you been
in the real estate business?

...fifty-four.

Since I talked
to Mr. Schlemmer

the real estate man.

Yeah?

I bumped into him at the diner

and he got me to thinking.

Yeah?

Well, here's old man schlemmer

sits around his office
all day long

smoking a big, fat cigar

and never stirs unless somebody
wants to buy something.

Then he takes them out

in that old rattletrap car
of his

and if they buy,
he collects five percent.

Now, has he got it made,
or has he got it made?

Well, five percent.

Yeah. I tell you, Andy,
a younger guy with some drive...

Look. I already got
two deals cooking.

No kidding?

Yeah. Last night I made
about ten telephone calls...

Just kind of, you know,
fishing in the dark...

And I got two hot bites.

Who?

Clarks and the mortonsens.

You mean the Clarks
and the mortonsens

want to sell their houses,
and you got customers?

No, no, Andy.

No, it's not that simple.

You see, the Clarks
want to sell their house

and buy a bigger house.

Now, the mortonsens' house

is just perfect for 'em

so I'm gonna put the Clarks
in the mortonsens' house

and then the mortonsens
are going to get

an even bigger place.

Well, where are you going
to put the mortonsens?

In the sims place
over on elmwood.

The simses
want to sell their house?

They will if they can find
what they're looking for.

Really?
Yeah.

Sure seems a lot of activity
in the real estate business

all of a sudden.

Well, it's not really
all of a sudden, Andy.

It's always been there
beneath the surface.

I tell you,
I been in this business

less than hours

and I've already learned
something fantastic.

What's that?

Everybody wants
to sell their house.

What?

Nine out of ten people
are not completely happy

with the house they live in,
and they'd sell in a minute

if somebody'd
just give 'em a nudge.

I don't believe it.

It's true.

Just give 'em a little nudge,
and they sell their house.

Well...

I'll tell you one fella
that's completely satisfied

with the house he's living in.

That's me.

Yes, sir.

Oh, yeah?

What if I told you

the Williams house
was available?

You mean that white house
out on the highway

with all the big trees?

Uh-huh. The one
you always point out to me

every time we drive by.

Would you sell your house
if I told you

I could put you
in the Williams house?

Well, how do you know
the williamses want to sell?

I called 'em last night.

They said they would
if the price was right.

Oh. Well, they'd probably
want a whole lot for it.

Andy, suppose I told you

that I could put you
in that little unit for $ , ?

You're kidding. $ , ?

Sure. We could get
for your place

then we could pick up the
williamses' for . .

You could get a mortgage
at the bank for the difference

and psst!
You're in the Williams house!

Well, I'll be dogged.

It starts you thinking,
don't it, and?

Yeah, it does.

Kind of a farfetched
idea, but...

Well, why don't you talk it over
with aunt bee tonight

and see what she says?

Well, I...

Well, what are we doing?

Is this a real estate office

or a sheriff's office?

Here it is : ,
ten minutes after :

we're talking houses
and real estate

and we got work to do.

You're right,
you're right, you're right.

It's just a sideline.

It's strictly
for off-duty hours.

The rest of the time,
I'm your deputy sheriff

and nothing else.

Well, long as you
keep it like that

it's all right with me.

Fife realty.

Uh, sheriff's office.

Oh, hi, paw.

Hi, sheriff.

What's going on?

Howard's trying to decide
whether to buy my bike.

Oh. Well,
if he buys your bike

what are you going to do?

Ope? If he buys your bike,
what are you going to do?

Well, I'll take the five dollars

and put it with the money
I've saved

and buy another one.

Oh.

Five dollars, huh?

Yeah.

Think that's a fair
price, sheriff?

Well, I don't know.

Did he, uh...

Did he tell you
about the coaster brake?

No. What about the
coaster brake?

Well, it slips, doesn't it?

Well, just sometimes, paw.

You didn't tell me that.

And, uh, this, uh...

This chain here

keeps coming apart, doesn't it?

Hey, yeah, there's a
piece of wire in there.

Well, when it busts

you just put
in another piece of wire.

And these inner tubes
are pretty old. About shot.

They're both just covered
with patches.

You haven't told me
any of this stuff.

Well, you never asked.

So what? You should
have told me anyway.

No, I shouldn't, should I, paw?

Should I have told him
if he didn't ask?

Well, I think so, ope.

If you're selling something

the buyer's got a right to know
everything that's wrong with it.

Otherwise,
it's not quite honest.

Oh.

It's about suppertime, ope.

You better come in
pretty soon and wash up.

See you, Howard.

I will, paw.

I'll let you have it for $ .

I wouldn't take this piece
of junk if you give it to me.

Oh, boy.
Mmm. Look at that cake.

Mmm.

You sure ruined the deal
on my bike, paw.

He was going to buy that bike before
you told him what was wrong with it.

Let me ask you something.

Would you have felt good
about it if he had bought it?

I don't know.

But I'd have had five dollars.

Ope, let me give you
a little talk in fair dealing.

Can I get a glass
of water first?

Go ahead.

What's this about a bike?

Oh, he was trying to sell Howie
his bike for five dollars,

and he was hiding
a few of the facts.

Ohh.
Yeah.

Turn it all the way, ope.

You got to turn the faucet
all the way.

Okay, paw!

Andy, when are you
going to get that fixed?

I don't know.

Last time
Mr. Ferris was out,

he said we might need
a whole new plumbing system.

Well, I sure hate it.

It sets my teeth on edge.

Hey, uh...
How'd you like to move?

Oh, Andy, be serious.

Well, I am, kind of.

You know, I was telling you
about Barney

being in the
real estate business.

Yes.

There's something
I didn't tell you.

He says the williamses
might want to sell their house.

The williamses?

You mean that pretty place?

With all the big trees, yeah.

Oh.

Oh, but you couldn't
afford that, could you, Andy?

Well, according to Barney,
I could.

See, we could sell our house

and there'd be some difference
in price, of course.

But he says we can get

a small mortgage at the bank

and we'd be
in the Williams house.

We going to move, paw?

Oh, not really.

We're just talking.

Oh, I wonder who that can be.

I don't know.
I'll go see.

I got a couple out in the car.
Okay to bring them in?

You got what?

A couple of customers.
The sims.

They want to see your house.
You mean now?

Yeah, now.
What is it, Andy?

Barney's got a couple in the
car. They want to see the house.

You mean now?

Yeah, is it okay?

No, no.

I can't have people
come in just like that.

I have to straighten up
the place.

The house is a mess.

Yeah, how about having them
come some other time, okay?

No, no, no, no!

Now, I've been telling
them about the house

and I got them worked
up to a fever pitch.

We can't let them cool off.

This might be it.

Besides, the house looks great.

What are you ashamed of?

I don't know.
What do you say, aunt bee?

Well, I guess all right.

Give us a few minutes,
will you, Barney?

I'll stall them
as long as I can.

Yeah.

Put those books away.

Oh, okay.

Opie, Opie, pick up
your homework

and that sweater.

Oh, where is there a duster?

Oh, there's no time
for a duster.

What should I do with all this?

Take it upstairs.

No, no, no,
put it in the closet.

Put everything
in the closet, come on.

Put it right here
in the corner, yeah.

Okay.

Come on in, folks.
Right on in.

This is sheriff Taylor
and aunt bee.

The sims.

Hello. I've seen
you uptown.

Oh, my boy was in the closet.

That's, uh, Opie.

He's a bright little lad.

Aren't you, ope?

Uh, my name is Lila.

Oh.

Lila.

Hope we're not disturbing
you folks too much.

No.

No, it is kind of
short notice, though.

We really weren't expecting
anybody this evening.

I'm afraid you won't find
the house in very good order.

Oh, what are you
talking about, aunt bee?

For heaven's sakes

it looks as good as it ever did.

I mean, aunt bee always keeps
this place in apple-pie order.

I can see that.

Yes.

Uh, we, uh, were thinking

of...of painting
in here

in a month or so.

Oh.

Well...

There is a little work
to be done

but with your imagination

you folks could really
do something with this place.

We've really been
very comfortable here.

We've been very happy
here, haven't we, Andy?

Yes, yes, we have.

We've loved the place.

Well, I can vouch for that.

They really have loved
this place.

You really have loved it.

Yeah.

Harry...
Hmm?

Ask them why they're selling.

Excuse me... if you
don't mind my asking

just why are you folks
selling this place?

Well, it's too small.
It's too large.

What they mean is

it's too small in some places

and too large in others.

Isn't that right, Mr. Taylor?

Yes.

I thought it was because

you wanted to buy the
Williams house, paw.

Uh, well...

I mean, if we sell this house

then maybe we might
buy the Williams place.

Where's the Williams place?

Oh, it's way out.

It's in another part of town.

That's not for you folks,
believe me.

Not for you.
Not at all.

Well, why don't
we take a look at the house?

This is the kitchen.

Yeah, the kitchen.

Boy, look at all
this cupboard space.

Oh, yes.

Is a lot of cupboard space.

Do you like the kitchen?

This isn't a bad kitchen.

A good kitchen's very
important to my wife.

Yes.

I actually painted this
kitchen about two months ago.

Oh?

Yeah. Gave it two coats.

Can't even see
that crack anymore.

Crack?

Paw painted over it

so you can't see it anymore.

Boy, look at these windows.

The sun comes through there

in the daytime.

These are great floors.

This linoleum's only been down
a couple of years.

Isn't that right, Mr. Taylor?
Uh, yeah.

Harry?
What?

There's the crack.
Where?

I see it now.

Where? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, that just shows
the house has settled.

Well, I guess it's
not too important.

No.

You going to tell them about
the noise in the faucets?

Noise?

You got to be sure and
turn them on all the way.

Otherwise, they do that.

It probably just needs
a -cent washer.

Turn it off now, ope.

Why don't we just take a look

at the rest of the house?

Well, that just about does it.

I guess you've seen everything

including the attic.

Well, what do you think?

Well, there are
a number of things

that need fixing, aren't there?

Well, all minor things.

I mean, a hundred dollar bill
will cover the works.

You put a hundred dollars
into this place

and it will be as good as new.

Wouldn't you say so,
Mr. Taylor?

Oh... yeah.
Oh, yeah.

I'd say that.

Did you forget to tell them
about the roof, paw?

Roof?

You know, the way it leaks?

The roof leaks.

Uh, well, yeah...

If it was to come a
real big, heavy rain

then it might leak
a drop or two.

But, paw

it was only drizzling last week

and you had to get out
that big bucket.

Well, I think we've
seen the picture.

Good night.

And thank you, sheriff,
for letting us...

Charming house.

Wait, wait...
Wait a minute.

Opie.

What, paw?

You did that just to
get even, didn't you?

Did what, paw?

Sayin' all those
things about the house

while the simses were here.

You were gettin' back at me

for ruinin' the
deal on your bike.

Isn't that it?

Oh, no, paw.

Because if you were...

I wasn't, paw.

I wasn't. Honest.

Then why did you do it?

Well, I was thinkin'
about what you said.

What?

That if you're sellin' somethin'

you should tell people
the truth about it

or else it ain't honest.

That don't just go for bikes,
does it, paw?

It goes for houses, too,
don't it?

Oh.

Well, uh...

Opie...

The fact is bikes are bikes
and houses are houses.

You understand?

No, paw.

Well, maybe I can, uh...

Can clear it up for you.

When-when I bought this
house from old man parmaley

the crack was already in
the ceiling of the kitchen

and Mr. Parmaley had
just painted the kitchen.

So it wouldn't show?

That's right.

An-and when Mr. Parmaley
bought the house

there were probably things
wrong with it at that time

and he wasn't told either

so he just passed it on to me.

Now, that's the way it is, ope.

That's the way it is

and that's the way
it always has been.

You mean that...
That kids should be honest

but the grownups
don't have to be?

Oh... no. No.

No, it, uh...

It's not that.

It's just, uh,
like I said, uh...

Bikes are bikes and
houses are houses.

You better go to bed.

Okay, paw.

Do you know what that
boy of yours cost me?

No. What?

Well, I'll tell you to the
penny what he cost me... $ , .

That's a lot of money.

How do you figure that?

It's simple.
Just figure it out.

I have the Clarks buying
the mortonses' house,

the mortonses buying
the sims house,

the sims buying your house,

and you buying
the Williams house.

Add the total, take %,
and what do you got?

$ , .

Oh, I know, Barn...

, simoleons

until that kid of yours
opened his big mouth.

Well, now, Barn...

Sheriff's office.

Uh, hello, Mr. Sims.

Sims.

Uh, Mr. Sims,

the reason I been trying
to get in touch with you is that

I was wondering if there
wasn't some way that we...

You can't talk now?

Well, uh, uh, could I see you
this evening?

Maybe...

Oh, please, Mr. Sims.

If I could just have
five minutes of your time...

This evening at : ?
Oh, fine. Fine.

Yeah, th-thank you.
Thank you. Bye.

Bless you. Bless you.

You're gonna see him, huh?

Yeah, and I'm gonna
do my darndest

to get him interested
in your house again.

Just keep your fingers crossed.

Yeah.

$ , .

Here they come. Here they come.
Here they come.

Here, here.

Here, sit down.

Opie, over there.

Oh, no, that doesn't
look natural.

Come over here.

Opie, down.

Here. Here.
Lay down. Read this.

I've already read it.

Read it again. And, ope,
don't say anything.

Come in.

Oh.

Mr. Taylor,
aunt bee.

Oh...
Oh...

Hello.

Hello.

Mr. Sims,
Mrs. Sims.

Hello.

Come on in and sit down

and make yourselves at home.

Well, just for a minute.

Yes, come on in.

Here, you just...

Well, just sit down.

Well, all right, thank you.

Make yourselves at home.

Well, here's the thing,
Mr. Taylor.

We've had a little talk
this evening

and the simses feel

that they might like
to take another look

at your house.

Yes, you see,

Lila likes some things
about the house very well.

Oh, I see.

And like I told Mr. Sims

there's nothing really wrong
with the place.

It's just that the boy, uh

said those things, you know,
last night

and we know how kids exaggerate.

Isn't that right, Mr. Taylor?

Well...

Kids do tend
to, uh... exaggerate...

But, uh...

In, uh, in-in this case

everything the boy said
was true.

Huh?

Well, the roof does leak,
and the pipes do rattle,

and there is a crack
in the ceiling of the kitchen.

I got to...
I got to level with you.

The house is years old

and there are things
wrong with it.

And...

What are you talking about?

I'm just saying there are things
wrong with the house.

It's not perfect.

Sheriff Taylor

do you have another customer?

What?

Do you have someone
else interested?

No, not a soul.

Is that why you're trying
to talk us out of this?

No.
Now, look, I've been

through things like this before.

Let's not play cat and mouse.

We like this house.
We'll take it.

That's right, at you price.

Would you like
to sign the deal now?

Ooh, I got the
papers right here.

Well, now, wait a minute.

Are you holding us up
for more money?

No, no, no, no,
that's not it at all.

Our-our decision
to sell this house

was based on our being able
to get the Williams house

and we haven't even seen it.

We haven't been in that house
for years.

Andy, why don't you
and aunt bee run over

and have a look at it?

It's still early.

I'll stay here with the simses.

Well, I suppose we could.

I'll just give them a call
and we'll just...

Here's the phone.

Still in the same place.

Well, you sure have
done it up lovely.

I'll tell you the truth.

Isn't it just... just pretty?

Oh, beautiful, just beautiful.

Dad?
Oh, hi.

Miss bee, sheriff,
this is my son Howie.

We know Howie.
How's the bike business, Howie? Fine.

Howie, your feet are all wet.
Look at the carpet.

Oh, I forgot.
I'm sorry.

Have you been down at the
creek this time of night?

No, dad, I've been here all the time,
down in the basement, sailing the boat.

"Down in the basement,
sailing the boat"?

Yeah, there's about a foot of
water down there. It's great.

There's a foot of water
in your basement?

Well... sometimes...

After a heavy rain.

Sometimes there's a lot more,

but there's plenty
for sailing right now.

Oh.

The thing I wanted
to tell you, dad...

The crack in the furnace
is getting a lot bigger

and you can see the flame
real clear.

I guess you'll have

to get a new one,
like the man said.

Mr. Williams, uh,
I have an idea.

Why don't we both just
stay where we are

and you tend to your basement

and I'll tend to our plumbing

and the holes in the roof

and we'll just
stay where we are?

Well, it's a shame
it couldn't work out.

Well, I guess we better go.

We will.

Oh, I better warn Barney.

Could-could I use your phone?

Oh, of course.
Over by the door.

Oh, aunt bee...

Uh, Sarah, this
is sheriff Taylor.

Will you get me my house?

Uh, hey, Barney,
listen, this is Andy.

We're over at the williamses'.

Uh... no... well,
wait a minute.

Wai-wai-wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Listen, uh, Mr. Williams
and I have decided

to stay where we are.

Renege!
Because that's not fair, Andy.

I mean, I've got to do business,
and you can't do this.

And another thing...

You're not being very fair
to Mr. and Mrs. Sims.

They love the house.

They want to buy it
even with the ceiling crack.

Now you change your mind

and that just leaves
everybody hanging.

Well, you sure are busy.

Another real estate deal?

No, no, I'm completely
out of it, and.

Oh, you are?
Yeah.

Didn't work out, huh?

No, just wasn't for me.

Well, I didn't think it was.

I mean, you got enough to do
around here

without worrying about
other folks' houses.

That's got to be a headache.

Yeah.

What are all those figures?

Just a second, and.

Yeah.

And...you've been wanting
a car, haven't you?

I mean, you can't always use
the squad car for going out.

What?

Now, I can get you
a convertible hard-top

at a fantastic price.

Here's what it's got.

It's got radio and heater,
whitewall tires,

recapped,
overhauled transmission,

reconditioned motor,
freshly charged battery,

nearly new crank case,

extra-length radio antenna
with raccoon tail,

brand-new paint job,
white roof and huckleberry body,

and all this for...
You ready, and?

Hey.

Andy!