05x08 - Barney's Uniform

[bunniefuu]

Starring Andy Griffith...

With Ronny Howard...

Also starring Don knotts.

Hey, Barn, how are you doing?

Not too good.
What's the matter?

You look sore about something.

Sore? I'm so mad, I can
hardly see straight.

What happened?
Oh, nothing very much.

Old man goss just lost
my suit, that's all.

Not the salt and pepper.

Yeah, the salt and pepper.

I took it in to be cleaned.

He said it would be in Tuesday

and I went in Tuesday and every
day since and it ain't back yet.

Well, that's a shame.
Oh, it'll turn up.

Yeah, I don't see how.

I went through the whole shop
with him.

I even had him call
the cleaning plant.

They don't even have
a record of it.

Oh, he'll find it.

He'd better.

I bought that suit
just for dancing, you know.

It's just perfect for dancing.

It hangs just right for the dip.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Look at that.

That new cleanup guy
Mr. Foley hired.

Yeah, what's his name,
Fred plummer?

Yeah.

He's sweeping that trash
right into the street.

You'd better warn him
about that.

I did, three separate
and distinct times.

You did?

Yeah.

Well, we better drop a word
to Mr. Foley.

Oh, no, I don't need
to bother Mr. Foley.

I'll straighten
this guy out myself.

Now, wait a minute.

This ain't no time
to talk to him.

Wait'll you calm down.

You're still mad about the suit.

I'm not mad.

I'm in perfect
control of myself.

I'll just go over there
and cut him down to size.

Well...
Hi there, deputy.

How's the boy?

I see you're sweeping, Fred.

Yeah, Mr. Foley says,
"keep that sidewalk clean."

That's what I'm doing.

Uh-huh, what about the street?

You're sweeping the trash
right into the street again.

Oh, yeah.

Now, Fred, I've told you

not once, not twice,
but three different times

you're not supposed to do that.

You're supposed to
pick up the trash...

Put it in the
barrel out in back.

Yeah, well, uh,
I'll shovel it up later.

Oh, no, you won't.
Oh, no.

Three warnings is enough.

Three strikes and you're out.

This is it, Fred.

Hey, uh, what are you doing?

I'm writing you out a ticket.

That's what I'm doing.

A ticket?
For what?

For litterin'.

Litterin'?

I'm not litterin'.

I'm sweepin'.

Time... : .
Place... main street.

Weather... clear.

Traffic... light.

Okay, there you are, mister.

Now, you appear
at the courthouse

within five days
and pay your fine

or we'll put out
a warrant for your arrest.

Uh, you really gave me a ticket.

Well, it's not an invitation
to an ice-cream social.

What's this gonna cost me?

Four dollars.

Four dollars
for sweeping the sidewalk?

No, for encumbering a public
thoroughfare with debris.

That's a violation
of the city code.

Well, now, deputy,
I had you all wrong.

I figured you for a nice
kind of a friendly guy

but you're not, are you?

You're just a cop.
What?

You must think
you're really something

with that fancy little suit
and that shiny badge, huh?

You got it figured
that every time you holler

everybody jumps...
Huh?

Well, I do represent the law
in this town, Fred.

Oh, sure, sure, you do.

Well, let me
tell you something, deputy.

I'm going
to take this ticket, see,

but you and me
are gonna meet sometime

when you're not wearing
that uniform

and I'm gonna beat you
to a pulp.

Now, listen, Fred,
you'd better be careful

how you talk to an
officer of the law.

Oh, I am.

I'm very careful
how I talk to an officer,

but the minute that officer
becomes a civilian

I'm gonna break
every bone in his body.

Oh, yeah?

Just remember that, deputy.

Lovely sermon, reverend.

Thank you, aunt bee.

I'm happy you enjoyed it.

Yeah, it was
a pretty catchy title...

"dice are loaded
against the evildoers."

Well, I always try

to use the vernacular
whenever possible.

I feel it helps
to get the message across.

It does.
It does.

What are loaded dice, paw?

You'll understand
when you're a little older.

Good morning, Barney.
Ah, hello, reverend.

I notice you wore your uniform
to church this morning.

I don't believe
you've ever done that before.

Yeah, well, I thought
I'd wear it just this once

to, you know, let people know
that we're always on the job.

Been a lot of money
in that collection plate lately.

Reverend.

Well...

I don't think that was very nice

what you said to the preacher

about the collection plate.

Well, I was just making a joke.

Why a you wearing that uniform?

Well, why shouldn't I wear
the uniform?

I'm a policeman.

What should I wear,
a milkman's suit?

No, I just asked.

Okay. So, I told you.

Hi, ange.

Ain't this your day off?

Yeah.

Thelma Lou wants me to
drive her into mt. Pilot.

They're having a storewide
sale at glifford's.

She wants to pick up
some toiletries.

Well, what are you wearing
your uniform for?

Andy, does my uniform bother you

for some reason or another?

No.

Because this is just
about the fourth time

you've brought it up.

Well, I can't see the point

in you wearing your uniform
over there.

Mt. Pilot's
out of our jurisdiction.

I know that.

I just happen to think
it's good public relations

if we wear our uniforms when
we visit our sister city.

Okay.

Did you give him a ticket?

He ain't paid it yet.

Yeah.

Yeah, I give him one.

Of course, if you think
he's learned his lesson,

I mean, you could
suspend his sentence...

I mean, if you wanted to.
It's up to you.

I mean, it's just a thought.

No, no, no, no.

You give him
a couple of warnings.

Well...

Sheriff's office.

Oh, hello, Mr. Goss.

Oh, it is.

Oh, good, I'll tell him.

Yeah, he was a little worried
about it.

I see.

Well, mistakes will happen.
Right.

Thanks, Mr. Goss.
Goodbye.

Well, good news, Barn.
Your suit's back.

It is?

Yeah. Seems they made a mistake
with the name...

Sent it to a fellow named Fitz
over in siler city,

but it's back now.

Oh, fine, I'll pick it up
later on.

You don't seem very happy
about it.

Now you'll have it to wear
to the dance Wednesday night.

Well, uh, actually, Andy, I'd...

I'd kind of given up on it.

I was figuring
on wearing something else.

Something else?
Well, didn't you tell me

how it was just perfect
for dancing...

How it hung
just right for the dips?

Yeah, yeah, I did.

Yeah, but, uh...

Well, to be brutally honest,
Andy

I-I don't think that suit's
gonna fit me anymore.

Won't fit you?
Well, why won't it fit you?

Well, I don't know
if you've noticed

but...well, I've been
gaining weight

like crazy lately.

You're sticking
your stomach out.

I am not!
That's pure fat!

That's pure blubber!

What are you gonna wear
to the dance?

Well, I thought I'd...

Wear this.

Your uniform?

What's the matter with that?!

Barney, I don't know
what's got into you lately...

Morning, sheriff.

Hello, Fred.

Morning, deputy.

Fred.

I just came in to pay my ticket,
sheriff.

Okay.

Well, I'll...

I'm, uh, I'm going, ange.

I'll see you later.

Right.

Well, that'll be...

Four dollars, Fred.

Yeah, I know.

That, uh, deputy of yours,
he's real eager, huh?

Well, just doing his job.
Yeah...

I know.

Well, uh, I'm going
to pay this ticket

because, uh,
that's all I can do, but...

I'm gonna tell you something...

Just like I told your
deputy to his face...

First time I catch him
out of uniform,

I'm gonna get
my four dollars' worth...

And then some.

What do you mean by that, Fred?

Never mind.
It's between me and him.

I'll see you, sheriff.

Hi, Barn.

Andy.

What's my suit doing here?

Well, I picked it up for you.

Been laying over there
at the cleaners

the last couple of days.

Well, what did you do that for?

I'm not wearing it
to the dance tonight.

Yeah, I know.
You told me that.

But I didn't see any point

in it just laying around
over at the cleaners.

Well, I just don't see

why you should concern
yourself with my suit.

Well...

Hey, Barn, how are you
and Fred plummer

been getting along?

What made you ask that?

Oh, no reason in particular.

I just know he's been
pretty sore

about that ticket you give him,

and he's a pretty big guy.

Not the kind of guy
you'd want to fool with.

Are you hinting that
I'm afraid of Fred plummer?

Well, he's a pretty big guy.

Is he after you, Barn?

Well, I...

I wasn't going to say
anything about this, Andy,

but the truth is

Fred plummer threatened me
the other day.

He did?

Yeah.

He said if he caught me
without my uniform on

he was going to break
every bone in my body.

You could have hauled him in.
I'd have thrown the book at him.

Oh, no. I'm not that kind
of a guy, Andy.

I don't play that way.

This is strictly
a personal matter

and I want to keep it that way.

Man to man.

Oh, I see.

But you have been wearing
your uniform all the time.

Yeah, I have.

And, well...

Here's why.

What's that?

Read it.

"This is to certify
that Mr. Bernard Fife

is a member of the mt. Pilot
judo society."

Oh, you're going
to judo class again.

Yeah, I laid off
for a couple of months,

but I'm going back again
regular.

Every Thursday night.

You never said anything
about it.

Well, it ain't the kind
of thing a guy talks about.

But now you can see
why I don't want

to be seen without
my uniform on, can't you?

Well...

Well, look, if I appear
in public without my uniform

it would be the same

as enticing Fred plummer
into a fight.

I'd be trapping him,
and I don't want to do that.

Trapping him?

Of course.

Look at me, Andy.

This is the body
of a judo fighter.

I'm a deadly w*apon.

You are?

Sure.
It would be criminal.

I mean, with what
I know about judo

I'm like a walking b*mb
just waiting to go off.

I'd get into a fight
with that fella...

Goodness knows
what damage I might do.

No fooling.

Sure, and, actually,
a guy like Fred plummer

he's just made for somebody

that knows something about judo.

I mean, he's big and he's slow

and he's heavy on his feet.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I-I see what you mean.

Well, I'm glad it's finally
out in the open.

Now maybe you'll stop asking me

why I'm always
wearing my uniform.

Just trying to protect
a citizen.

Yeah.

Well, I got to go.

Yes, can I help you?

Are you Mr. Izamoto?
Yes.

My name is Taylor,
from Mayberry.

Oh, yes.
Very happy.

What can I do for you, sir?

You wish to learn
the noble art of judo?

No, nothing like that.

Um...

Actually, I'd like
some information

about one of your students.

Oh, yes, I have some
fine students here.

Which one did you want
to know about?

Barney Fife.

Oh, Barney.

Oh, yes. Barney Fife.

Very fine man.

Yes, he is.

Is he a good student?

Excellent student.

He try very hard.

Well, I'd like your professional
opinion about something.

Suppose tomorrow Barney were
to get into a fight

with another fella.

Could he handle himself?

Very hard question.

How much does
other fellow weigh?

Um, pounds.

You a friend of Barney's?

Yes, a very good friend.

Then you stop that fight.

That man k*ll Barney.

I see.

Around here, you know we call
Barney "the chicken."

Chicken.
Afraid, huh?

Oh, no.
Not afraid.

He got bones like chicken.
Weak bones.

They snap.
Snap like this.

Not much good at it, huh?

Not much.
He try very hard.

But he no can cut it.

That's what I thought.

Well, thank you,
Mr. Izamoto.

You've been very kind.

But you stop that fight.

I like Barney very much.

Not want him to get hurt.

Don't worry.

Mr. Izamoto...

Yes?

What size suit you wear?

How you doing, Fred?

Sheriff.

Hey, Fred, you still
sore at my deputy?

That's my business, sheriff.

I realize that.

Ain't no use holding a grudge,
though.

Why won't you let
bygones be bygones?

Look, sheriff, this has got
nothing to do with you.

This is strictly between
him and me.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I, uh...I feel it only fair
to warn you

you'd be doing this
at your own risk.

Risk?
What risk?

Well, Barney's pretty good
at judo.

He's been studying
for over a year.

You let me catch him
out of his uniform just once...

I'll judo him.

You won't change your mind, huh?

Well, just so you know
what you're getting into.

'Cause this thing

might be coming
to a head pretty soon.

What do you mean?

Well, the dance tonight,
and everything.

Yeah?

Barney will be out of uniform.

Yeah?

Yeah, he's picking
his girl up about : .

His suit's in the courthouse,

and he'll be coming
by here in his civvies

oh,
around a quarter to : .

Quarter to : , huh?

Yeah. I sure hate to see you
tangle with Barney.

Okay, Barn, I'll see you
later at the dance.

Just a minute.

Who is it?

It's me, Barn.

Oh.

Hi.

Is that the way
they're wearing them?

You forgot your suit.

Thought I'd bring it over

in case you'd changed your mind

about wearing it to the dance.

Well, I didn't change my mind.

I told you I'm wearing
the uniform.

'Cause of Fred plummer, huh?

That's right.

I don't want to have
to fight the man.

You know why.

Yeah, I know why.
I know why.

But suppose he don't know why?

Suppose he thinks
you're afraid of him?

Well, let him think it.

It's better than him getting a
broken arm or a leg or something.

You know, somebody
ought to tell him

about that judo and wise him up.

I did.

Talked to him this afternoon.

You did?

Yeah, yeah, I told him

how you were an expert
on judo and everything.

I don't think he believed it.

He didn't, huh?
Mnh.

You know, Barn,
I've thought about this thing

between you and Fred plummer.

I've thought about it a lot.

You have?

Yeah.

I think you're going
to have to face up to him

sooner or later.

Just because of what you are.

What do you mean?

Barn, you're a symbol
of the law just like I am.

We're both symbols of the law.

And when people look at us

they don't just see Barney Fife
and Andy Taylor.

They see the law,
and more than that

they have respect for the law

and we've worked a long time
to get that respect

and I don't think we ought
to give it up.

Yeah, I guess you're right
about that, ange.

Yeah.

And it's not something
that should be tied

to what we're wearing, either.

I mean, we ought to have it
whether we're wearing a uniform

or a salt-and-pepper suit.

If it's something
we put on in the morning

and take off at night,
we got nothing.

You see that, don't you, Barn?

We're lawmen
no matter what we're wearing.

Yeah, I see that, ange.

There's a light on
down there at foley's.

Fred might still be working.

Oh, that's probably
Mr. Foley.

Oh, no, not at night.

I think it's probably Fred.

Be a good time to talk to him.

Fred?

Yeah?

I'm here.

I see you are.

I'm not wearing my uniform.

So I see.

Well, Fred, I just wanted
to tell you this...

Whether I'm wearing
my uniform or not

it doesn't make any difference

because I'm a symbol of the law.

And you got to have respect

for the law, Fred.

Andy and me, we've worked
a long time to get that respect

and we're not going
to give it up.

Understand?

Yeah, yeah, I understand.

You do?
Sure.

Sure.
What more do you want?

Well, I just wanted you to know.

Oh, oh, I know.
I know.

You know, that judo
is something awful.

You could k*ll a person
with that.

Yeah.

Well, Andy said
you didn't believe it.

Well, I do now.
Oh?

You do?
Sure.

Oh, well...

Well, from now on, Fred,

when I give you a warning
or an order,

I want you to listen,
you understand?

Sure, sure.

And when I say no more
trash in the street

I mean no more
trash in the street.

Now, is that clear?

It's clear.
It's clear.

It won't happen again.

Well, I got to be going now.

Right.

Everything okay?
Oh, yeah.

How'd it go?
No trouble.

I told him the same thing
I told you.

I'm a symbol of the law
whether I'm wearing a uniform

or the old salt-and-pepper.

He gives me complete respect
or else.

He got the message.

You know, the bigger they are,
the bigger they crumble.

Let's go, ange.
The girls are waiting.

Right, tiger.

What are you doing?

Oh, hi, ange.
Oh, just practicing my judo.

Got to go to class tonight.

Oh, yeah.
Thursday night.

Yeah.

Barn, I've been meaning to talk
to you about that judo.

Now, that may be okay
for some folks,

but if I was you,
I wouldn't fool with it.

Are you kidding, Andy?

This is the greatest
self-defense in the world.

You can break a man's arm
with this stuff.

Yeah, you get a hold
of a big, strong guy,

he'll break your arm.

Oh, the bigger they are,
the harder they fall. Are you kidding?

Well, Barn...

Look, let me show you something
we're gonna work on tonight.

Now, this is a knife.
This ruler?

Yeah. Take this knife
and try to run me through.

Stand right over here
and kind of run at me.

Get a running start at me.
What if I run you through?

You ain't gonna hurt me.

Just come right at me.
I'll give you the signal.

And run you through?

Try and run me through.
Watch what I do.

Okay.
Hyah!

Hold it!

Hah!
Yeah.

You gonna do all that to me?

I ain't gonna hurt you.
Get over there.

Right at me, now.
Really try to get me.

Run you right through.
Hyah! Hah!

Let loose, Andy.

Huh?
Let loose.

You didn't do it right.
I'm sorry.

This time,
do the overhand thing.

Come down and s*ab me like that.

'Cause I want to show you
what I'm going to do.

Okay.
Get over there.

Okay.
Do it slow motion first.

I want to show you
what I'm going to do.

Okay. Slow motion.
Go ahead. Ready?

Hy! Hah!

See that?
That's a block.

Oh.
Now I just do this, see?

And that's leverage.
Uh-huh.

See? No matter how big
the guy is,

you just pin him
right down to the floor.

You see that? That's good.
That's really good.

Really come at me this time.

Let me up, ange.

Huh?
Let me up.

I got to go to class.