01x07 - The Rock

[bunniefuu]

Okay, hon. All right, then
I'll see you around .

All right. Bye-bye.

Listen, Carrie's not gonna
make it home for dinner.

So I'm gonna order
us some pizza.

- From where?
- From Sal's.

Sal's?
Have you lost your mind?

Okay, not Sal's.
Then from where?

A little neighbourhood joint
called Domino's.

Domino's?

Yeah, that's it.

All right, what's the number?

It's - - - - .

All right, look, I have way
too many numbers, okay?

I gave you the area code.

We're in the area code.
I don't need to dial it.

- Okay, ready?
- I'm ready.

- --

Okay, you know what?

How about a little phone-number
rhythm, huh? You know, a little:

- Got it?
- I got it.

- One...
- Yeah.

- Six...
- Yup.

Teen.

I already dialled the six! I can't
go back in time and slip a one in!

Well, whose fault is that?!

I'm making a sandwich.
Why don't you order from McDonald's?

Hi, I brought my engagement ring in
to be cleaned a couple of days ago.

- Oh, yes, Mrs Heffernan, right?
- Yeah, that's right.

Hey, honey.
It's the th today.

Thanks.

- So is it ready?
- Oh, yes.

You know,
this is quite an unusual ring.

Where did you purchase it?

Actually, my husband bought it.
He...

Hey, husky. Come here.

Where was the antique sale
where you got this?

Out in Hempstead. I got that
and the iron dog that eats nickels.

Would you mind
if I ask what you paid?

Two thousand.

Well, Mr Heffernan, you got
yourself an extraordinary bargain.

Between the unusual setting
and the stone itself,

this ring is easily worth $ , .

- What?
- Get out of here. Are you sure?

Oh, yes, a rose-cut diamond
in a pavé setting.

Very rare.

Wow, a rose-cut diamond
in a pavé setting.

You really fell ass-backwards
into something, didn't you, hon?

I guess so.

So any interest in selling it?

No.

I could go as high as $ , .

No.

- No, right? Yeah. Thank you, though.
- No, no, no.

Well, if you change your mind,
let me know.

I know, I'm really sporting
quite the gem, huh?

This thing makes your
breasts look huge.

Man, I gotta tell you, for G's,

I'd sell that ring
with my wife still attached.

Hey, it's not mine to sell,
you know?

I gave it to her when I proposed.
It's her ring.

If I'd known it was this valuable,
I would've held onto it.

Come on, you could
talk her into selling.

- Are you crazy?
- What?

If he makes one move on that ring,
she'll snap his neck... like a chicken.

As well she should.

You know, an engagement ring
is supposed to be a symbol

of a man's lifelong
devotion to his wife.

Yeah, well, today it's looking
like a big bag of money.

Think about it, Moose.

With all that scratch, you could buy
something you really been wanting.

Like maybe a new
satellite dish.

Okay, I change my vote.
Dump that sucker, man.

It's not a vote.
What do you care more about?

Some stupid satellite dish
or your marriage?

Oh, hey, Daddy.
I thought you were gonna take a nap.

I tried, lucky I get three hours
before the phone woke me up.

I was having a good,
sexy dream too.

- Who was it?
- At first it was Eydie Gormé.

Then she turned
into my cousin Lola.

Okay, I meant
who was on the phone.

Oh, some guy named Elliott.

Said he'd go as high as .

Thirteen thousand?

Thirteen thousand for what?

- My engagement ring.
- You're selling your jewellery?

Why? You kids got
a drug habit?

You got the monkey
on your back?

No, Dad, we've kicked.

It just turns out
that my engagement ring

is worth a lot more
than what Doug paid for it.

So, what are you gonna do?
Sell it?

No, I'm not gonna sell it.
It's my engagement ring.

I love it.

Well, you know,
I love it because Doug gave it to me.

The ring itself,
a little busy for my taste.

The whole butterfly motif.

Basically, it's a
diamond in a bug.

- I don't know what to do.
- All right, let me tell you something.

Sit down.
Let me tell you a little story.

One day, back in ' ,

I was sitting at Chockful o'Nuts
eating a tuna sandwich.

This fella comes up
to me, shivering,

and offers me $ for my
favourite fedora.

Ten dollars. A fortune.

In those days, you could buy a bag
full of liquorice for a penny

and still get change.

That's wrong, but...

I told him, "Keep your $ ",
and I took him across the street

and I bought him the liquorice
that he wanted.

I thought he wanted
your fedora.

How'd I get screwed up here?

Hey, what you doing?
You checking out the treasure?

It is a treasure, honey.

Not because of what it's worth,
but because you gave it to me.

- That is so nice. Thank you.
- You're welcome.

I can't believe that guy
thought we'd sell it.

I know, I mean,
the one symbol of our love.

- Hello? Can't put a price tag on that.
- Of course not.

I mean, maybe if the price tag
were like , ,

- then yeah, maybe, right?
- Or even like , .

But not for anything
less than .

Right, like if he said to me,
you know, "Hey, I'll give you ."

No.

I don't know,
like, is like a new car.

You know, but he only offered .
So, you know, just... That's it.

Actually, he called
and he upped it to .

Thirteen? Really?

- Yeah, but, you know, we couldn't.
- No, definitely not.

No, because it means too
much to you, right?

With all the sentimental
value and whatnot.

- And I know you love it.
- Love it.

- Although...
- Yeah?

The ring is just a thing, right?

Right.

I mean, suppose I lost the ring?
Would we stop loving each other?

Of course not.

Or suppose I lost the ring
and found $ , ?

Would we stop
loving each other then?

Honey, I would love you no matter
how much money you found.

Thirteen thousand exactly.

Just want you to know that this
is going right in the bank, you know,

for our future kids' college.

First, I'm gonna get
a new ring for her,

and a hot tub, and a satellite dish,
but then...

everything left
is going right in the bank.

So have you selected
a new ring?

Yes, actually, I have.
It's right over here.

- That one.
- Oh, lovely.

- That one?
- Yeah, isn't it nice?

It's okay, I guess.

Kind of simple, you know. It doesn't
look like an animal or anything.

I'll have to order
it in your size.

- We'll have it within a week.
- Oh, okay, fine.

And I'll be needing that.

Oh, right.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm just looking at it
one last time.

Pass interference, number .

First down, eight remaining.

Should we go?

Why? Aren't you
having a good time?

Doug, the Jets are getting reamed
and it's degrees out.

Oh, let's just stay a little
bit longer, all right?

Come on, please, please, please.
Come on, please.

It's freezing.
Why on earth do you wanna stay?

I'm trying to work up
the courage to...

To give you this.

Carrie...

Will you, you know, marry me?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Of course I'll marry you.

- You will?
- Yes.

I just won some
really big bets.

Oh, my God. Look at it.
It's a butterfly.

Yeah, yeah, yup.

- Okay, come on, come on, slap it on me.
- Take your gloves off.

- Here we go.
- Hurry up.

God, it's freezing.
Oh, jeez, I dropped it.

- Oh, my God, find it.
- Okay. Oh, gosh.

Oh, today's our lucky day.
Look at that. Some fries.

Doug, come on. My
fingers are freezing.

There it is. I got it.

- Come on, give me your hand.
- Okay.

Do you like it?

I love it.

Come on, come on.
You wanna go?

No.

Let's stay.

Excuse me?

Oh, right. Sorry.

See you in a week.

All right, dish is
locked and loaded.

I have, like, five nuts
and seven bolts left over,

but damn it, she's up there.

Nine hundred and forty-nine channels.
Oh, my.

You know, I read these satellite
microwaves can make you impotent.

Hey, channels,
I say roll the dice.

All right, gentlemen.

If you're ready,
let's watch some television.

All right, college football.
Florida State at Purdue.

- That's what I'm talking about.
- This is supposed to be a good game.

Yeah, but we can't stop
on channel two.

- We just started here. Come on. "The Dirty Dozen".
- Oh, great movie.

- Trini Lopez.
- But we can do better, come on.

Saved by the Bell: The New Class.

- Taping it.
- Well, let's keep it moving.

TNT, TNN, TBS,
ESPN, ESPN , three, four, five.

HBO, HBO , three, four...

Learning Channel.

Reading Channel.

Swimming Channel.

Guy-Getting-a-Haircut Channel.

"Wings". "Wings". "Wings".

Hitler. "Wings".

Leave Hitler.

Can't. Gotta see all the choices.

Cheetah k*lling a zebra.

Oh, cheetah k*lling a cheetah.

He's not k*lling him.

Hey, honey, what you doing?

Enjoying my new satellite dish.

Well, I got the hot tub ready for
action. You wanna go break her in?

Yeah. Maybe it will help me get rid
of my blinding headache.

Oh, it's so cold out.
The hot tub is gonna feel great.

- Come on, baby.
- Hey, come on in.

The water's fine.

Arthur, why the hell
is it so hot in here?

Yeah, Dad.

It's .

Hey, it's much healthier
when it's hot.

Cleans out your pores.

You can't tell, but I'm sweating
like a pig right now.

I'm sorry, Dad,
I'm gonna have to turn the heat down.

Go ahead. I'm getting out anyway.

I'm in my birthday suit,
so look away if you're shy.

It's called gravity, Douglas,

and it's coming for you.

How did we get such a bad rash
from the Jacuzzi?

I don't know, all right? I thought
I put the right amount of chlorine in.

You put more chlorine in?
I had my dad do it already.

You had your dad do it?

Carrie, you don't let a man
in his s touch chemicals.

My God, I can't believe you.

Doug, please,
don't start with me, okay?

I'm not starting
with you, okay?

You have a little attitude.
That's the problem.

You always gotta get
the last word in.

No, I don't have to get
the last word in, okay?

You see? Right there.

You're unbelievable.

Look, do you wanna have sex?
Because it's Saturday.

Not unless you're gonna scratch me
while we do it.

- You wanna watch some TV?
- No! No.

It's too hard.

You think we did the wrong thing,
selling the ring?

- What do you mean?
- Well, it just seems like, you know...

Now we have all this bad karma.

All right, maybe we hit a little
small patch of bumpy road.

But it's not karma,
believe me, all right?

Tomorrow, we'll just relax,
you and me,

and we'll play
with the new lawn darts.

You know what it is?

We were so quick to
sell the ring,

but we didn't stop to think that
what we were selling

was this whole piece of funny,
great history of ours.

Look, see, I disagree. I disagree.

You're only saying that because
you don't have your new ring yet.

- You think?
- Yeah, absolutely.

When you get your new
ring, I'm gonna give it

to you the same way I
gave you the old one.

And it's gonna have so much sweet
and funny history,

you're gonna need a backup
ring to hold it all. Okay?

Yeah.

Who would have thought
it'd be this warm in November?

Should we at least
take the blanket off?

Then it won't be like the last time.

I know, honey,
but at least we won't have heat stroke.

- There, that's better, right?
- Yes.

Okay.

- You look pretty.
- So do you.

You idiot!
Man.

- You want mine?
- No, it's fine.

Could we just do the ring thing now?

You can't ask me that.
It's gonna ruin the spontaneity.

Doug, I know
you're gonna give me a ring--

You don't know that, all right?
Hey, maybe I met someone.

This is for you.
With all my heart.

I hope Elliott got the right size.

Okay, you know what?
I'm not happy with that response.

What happened to the high-pitched
squeal you gave the first time?

Okay, I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.

All right, it was much higher.
It was more, "Oh, my God!"

Oh, my God!

No, you gotta drag out the "God."

Like that?

Yeah, it's fine. Whatever.

- Here- I dropped it.
- Honey, you dropped the ring.

I know I dropped it,
I did it last time, all right?

Oh, where the hell is it?

Why didn't you just put it on me?

Because I'm trying
to make a funny moment, okay?

Look, here it is, all right.
There you go.

- Okay, now it's covered in mustard.
- There you go.

You can't get more of a funny
spontaneous moment than that.

Mustard all over it. Hey, it's mustard.

Come on, laugh it up, Car. It's fun.

It's not working, is it?

I understand, yup.
Okay, thank you. Yup. Bye.

Okay, the old ring's gone.
He sold it.

- Oh, no.
- Sorry.

We're evil, disgusting people.
Do you know that?

We took the one object
that most represents our love

and we hocked it
for a hot tub and a satellite dish.

And our kids' college.

What? Oh, yeah, right. Whatever.

You see? I forgot about the kids
again. More evil coming out, coming out.

We're not evil, all right?

I think every married
couple's entitled to

one huge, horrible
mistake on the house.

- You do?
- Yes.

I was hoping to save mine for an affair,
but I'll use it here.

Shut up.

Come on.
Look, can't we please get past this?

I want to.

But every time I look at this ring,
or people ask me about it,

I'm gonna remember all of this
all over again.

We don't even have a good story to tell
people about how you gave it to me now.

I know. What a crappy day.

You know, first we're flop-sweating
in our winter coats,

then some moron
spills your beer on you,

and then I drop the ring
in some mustard...

You know, sounds kind of funny
when you say it out loud.

- It does?
- Yeah.

I mean, it does have the potential
to be a funny story.

What if we just made it a point to laugh
when we told it to people?

I like where you're going with that.
I like that, you know--

And there's no reason the ring
couldn't have fallen

in something funnier than mustard.

Right, like ketchup?

- No, that's equivalent.
- Right.

Well, how about, like,
some fat lady's nachos?

- Nice.
- Yeah.

And then when you bent down
to pick it up,

your pants split, remember, huh?

Was my face red?

- That's right.
- Yeah.

Dad, you are not gonna believe what
happened at the Jets game today.

Doug surprised me
with my new engagement ring,

and when he went to give it to me,

it fell into some fat lady's nachos.

Yeah, and then, you know,
I went down to get it and:

- My pants ripped.
- Right.

Oh, and then the other part.

And then they showed it
on the stadium JumboTron,

and the place went nuts.

Oh, and they were all chanting,
"Big guy butt crack!"

It was funny.

It's a wild story, don't you think?

I guess you had to be there.

Well, we can't go by him.

- Come on, give it a try.
- I don't wanna.

I'm telling you,
you don't know what you're missing.

All right.

- There.
- Not bad, huh?

You're right.
It's very liberating.

And so is this.

Go fetch, sucker!